Physical Pain is Nothing

Looking at the last couple years of my fertility journey I've learned that the physical pain from everything is nothing compared to the emotional pain I've felt.

The side effects from the drugs (Clomid mostly) are there and blah.  The blood work is just needles in the arm.  I don't even take a deep breath like they tell me anymore.  It only affect me if they take a large number of vials (6+) on an empty stomach.  Bring a snack to eat after in that case.  The most painful thing about blood work is that sticky tape some offices use to patch you up after.  The internal ultrasounds are nothing.  The wand is the size of your standard dildo.  The HSG was hell, but I'd do it again (with a lot of complaining) if I had to.  Lap surgery left two incisions in my stomach.  It was sore but I didn't take any pain meds and was back at work 3 days later lifting heavy items.  The gas bubbles hurt the most.  The Hysteroscopies and D&E I was fine with.  Up walking around soon after and back to work the next day.  Both IUIs there was cramping, but nothing too terrible.  Injections the in stomach seem to creep more people out than the pain they cause me.  It takes a little force to push the needle to break the skin, but once it's in I am fine.  

Source

Many women would get queasy about the thought of simple the blood work or dildo cam.  None of that is pain to me.  I don't even look at the most painful thing in the world, labor, with fear anymore.  All that stuff is just temporary physical pain.

The emotional pain is what will get you.  Sometimes you go through a cycle with so much hope.  You had sex at the right time, or the IUI/IVF went perfect.  You wait two weeks with all these early pregnancy or implantation symptoms.  You think to yourself that you must be pregnant.  Maybe even take a early pregnancy test and swear you see a faint line.  Come to find out your cycle didn't work.  All the hope you had is now crushed.  The only thing you can do is pick up the piece and try again next cycle.  

Maybe your cycle does work, and then you lose your baby.

After my second ultrasound with my first pregnancy I had to start prepping for the great possibility I would need a D&E.  My emotions were a mess at first.  Why did I have to wait two years for this to only have it taken away?  Why does everyone else get pregnant with the snap of their fingers and they take a healthy baby home from the hospital?  Two weeks later at my fourth ultrasound they confirmed our fear.  They told me my body did everything right for the baby, it was still trying to feed it.  The sac was perfect size for a 10 week old.  But the baby wasn't perfect size.  It was no longer moving and the heart had stopped.  The following day was my 27th birthday, the day after I was in surgery for my D&E.  By the time my D&E came I was fine, I had already disconnected from my baby.  But never the same person I was before.

I went back to work before my D&E.  Most days I was so dizzy but my RE told me as long as I wasn't bleeding excessively then there was no need to go to the ER.  I had my insurance card in my pocket along with a brief note about what was wrong with me and my emergency contact.  Just in case because some days I was so sure I'd pass out with the building moving so much.  The dizziness went on for months, later diagnosed as Vertigo, but the worst of it ended after the D&E.

The thing that upset me the most were my boobs.  As soon as I hit 5 or 6 weeks pregnant my areolas began getting larger, along with the standard soreness.  Weeks after my D&E I remember standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror.  My areolas were still large and my boobs sore.  My body was still hormonally pregnant.  It made me angry and I just wanted everything to return to normal.  Those sore breasts where for pregnancy, and I was no longer pregnant.  One day I even wore a bathing suit top in the shower because I didn't want to feel the water hitting them and reminding me.

Emotional pain like this story hurts me way more than any physical pain of fertility treatment.  

-Selbe

The Chalkboard Project

I started my chalkboard project the other day.  I decided just to label it 0, 1, 2, 3 (hopefully 4, 5, 6...) weeks.  It kind of went with the other idea.    I started out with a brief history of the infertile me (and a little Bean).  I have a much longer list on the timeline page if anyone is interested.

That's it for now.

-Selbe

Way More Cramping

I might get my period soon.  There is a lot of cramping down there, all yesterday and now today too.  No spotting though.  

Someday my nausea is better, others days it is worse.  I threw up yesterday.  I took a HPT this morning thinking *maybe* it was morning sickness.  Nope!  I have to avoid certain foods, they make me sick just looking at them.  That or I can only have a few bites.  Salad is one of the few things I can tolerate.

I don't really care anymore about AF coming or not.  I've given up and am now just waiting for my next RE appointment.  I can't continue being unmonitored, I need the ultrasounds done to see if/when I'm ovulating.  I can't take anymore OPKs, or BBT, saliva ferning, Ovacue, checking my cervix or whatever other type of ovulating prediction I have used.  I've learned none are 100% and I'm just fed up with the wasted time (and money) on them.

Whoever said someone is more fertile after a miscarriage or that they'll get pregnant again within three months of it is full of BS.  There are no "super fertile" powers here.  I haven't even ovulated since my D&C three months ago.  I've only gotten my period once and only because of Provera.  All this uterus does it cramp.  I'm very happy to start the big boys (AKA injectables) and move on to better things. 

---

My puppy isn't allowed upstairs, which is where the bedrooms are.  He has pee issues with carpet.  Loki is six month old now.  He was good in NH the last couple months, and at all the hotels on the way to WA.  However, our first night in WA is peed on the carpet so Bean no longer lets him upstairs.  We don't have a baby gate up to prevent him from going up the stairs, we just tell him "no" each time he tried to climb them and he turns around and goes back down.  The other morning I got out of bed to use the bathroom and I quickly looked out the crack in the bedroom door to see Loki sleeping right outside in the hallway.  He must of climbed the stairs and fell asleep there sometime in the night.  However, he didn't pee on the carpet so I was OK with it.

Bean is gone for the next couple weeks for schooling in VA.  I brought him to the airport on Friday morning.

Last night was my first night sleeping alone since we've been in the new house.  I left Loki sleeping downstairs like I do every night and went to bed.  I woke up this morning and opened my eyes to see THERE IS A DOG IN MY BED!  I tried to move away from him but he kept scooting closer to me.  Cute but it kind of freaked me out at first seeing him there.  I'm a light sleeper and thought I'd hear or fell him get into bed with me.  I have no idea how long he was snuggling with me.

---

I look a lot of photos during my trip.  I thought maybe I'd share them attraction-by-attraction.

Gettysburg National Military Park - Straban Township, PA

Flowers in Bloom

Loki in the Car

Bean & Loki

Down the Tower

-Selbe

Health Insurance & WIC

My Current Cycle

Each day goes by with no AF and all BFN.  I'm beginning to think I never ovulated.  Fuck.  Since my D&C my ovaries have begun shutting down again.  I wont get AF until they give me Provera again.  Maybe I'll start taking my Vitex again (I stopped after what I thought was O).  I'm going to be happy to start fertility drugs again and be monitored.    

My Insurance & Military Treatment Facilities

There are two main MTF (military treatment facility, military hospitals) in the area.  MTF Bremerton (US Navy) is 20 minutes away and the primary one I go to.  MTF Madigan (US Army) an hour away.  MTF Bremerton does basic OBGYN, low-risk pregnancy and low end fertility treatment (Clomid only, no trigger, injectables, IUI or IVF).  Since I have already done my five rounds of Clomid with no luck I am ready to move on.  In order for me to go to MTF Madigan I need a referral from my PCM (primary doctor) at MTF Bremerton, I just can't make an appointment there on my own.  

There are only a handful of MTF on the country that do more advanced fertility treatments.  Our last base was MTF Portsmouth, they didn't do much of anything there.  The closest to Portsmouth was 500 miles away in Washington DC (I believe).  So I was sent out into the civilian world.  Hence how I ended up at FCNE with Dr. H.

This is for Tricare Prime.  The only way I can get out of this referral system is downgrading to Tricare Standard.  I can see whatever doctor I pick in the civilian world (as long as they take Tricare) but have to pay copays.  Depending on your situation one can be better than the other.  But fertility treatment at a MTF tends to be cheaper than at a civilian doctor.

I'm hoping that my one natural pregnancy, although failed and ended with a miscarriage, means I'll have good odds with more advanced fertility treatments.  Though I've ovulated about five times in two years, I do have a good chance of getting PG when I ovulate.  IF I ovulate.

Referral Runaround

MTF Bremerton pissed me off yesterday.  At my appointment on Monday they told me my referral to MTF Madigan would be put in and in two days I could call up to make my next appointment.  

I called up yesterday (two days) to schedule my appointment.  The appointment line could not find my referral so they could not give me an appointment.

I called the referrals office.  They also couldn't find my referral, ether processed or waiting to be processed.

I then called my PCM that gave me the referral to begin with.  They couldn't find the doctor, or the referral and had no idea when they would.  Zero help.

Which left me only one option, call the appointment line and make another appointment with my PCM for another referral.

The appointment line only had two appointment available: A. in nine minutes; B. in two weeks.  Nine minutes just wouldn't work, and two weeks seems like a long wait for someone else's fuck up.  

So I drove there and talked to a couple people in person.  The PCM forgot to put the referral in.  I was informed a new one would be put in today and in two days (hopefully) I could make an appointment.  Which I'm sure in itself won't be for a month or so from now.  

WIC

I grew up in a family where getting food stamps, WIC or any other types of government programs was avoided as much as possible unless really needed.  It was an embarrassment.  My father says that times are changing and it's become less of an humiliation and more of people abusing the system.  I do believe there are many people out there abusing it, for as long as possible.  I also believe there are those that really do need it.  Our system just sucks at weeding out those that are abusing it and giving it to those that need it.  

I have been on government programs twice in my life.  I didn't have health insurance in my teens and early 20's, no job that offered it, no money to pay for private health care, and still in college.  I had government health insurance to remove cervical dysplasia, since that becomes worse if not taken care of.  Then another time to remove my tonsils since I was in a lot of pain and could not pay for the surgery out-of-pocket.  During this time I ate the same cheap food everyday and would donate blood to get free cookies and juice.  Though I was eligible, never during this time did I sign up for food stamps.   

I've also worked retail at several places that accepted food stamps (now EBT, no wait SNAP) and WIC. Again there are people out there that really do need food stamps.  Food stamps covers most food items. Every once and awhile I'd have a customer want to buy a "food item" and the card wouldn't accept it.  One example was years ago I had customer want to buy one of those tins filled with popcorn that stores sell around Christmas time.  The tins with not the greatest in the world but tolerable popcorn, and once you got done eating it (or throwing the stall shit out) a plastic bag was stuck in it and use around the house as a trash can, until it begins to rust.  She flipped out on me.  I've watched customers buy lobster, potato chips, soda pop, gum, and candy with food stamps.  Never fruits, vegetables or Ramen noodles.  I'm sorry, but if someone is broke and starving they have learned that if you eat certain foods they fill you up better than others, regardless of the calories.  And they know just how much sometimes cost.  I was limited growing up by my father on what I could buy at the grocery store to about $10/week.  One time I even got yelled at for wanting bread and milk in the same week.  Yes it was probably wrong on his part, and not something I'd do to my own child, but fuck I figured it out.  And now taxes are pulled from my crappy minimum wage job to pay for such programs. I don't really give a fuck that your Easter candy and not covered and how you "need" it.  Bitch to me and I'll tell you the real difference between a NEED and a WANT.  

Now moving on to WIC.  I like WIC better than food stamps because it does limit what you can purchase with it, such as only approved cereal, cheese, produce, formula, etc.  However WIC is a bitch for cashiers to ring out.  The WIC program requires cashier to go as far as writing their numbers perfectly (yes, they provide you a sheet on how to write a "7" correct).  Along with making sure the products are the correct type stated on the check and approved by WIC.  When a customer goes to use all her newly expiring WIC checks all at once it takes a great deal of time. 

I bring up this topic because Bean and I went to Wal-Mart late at night a few days ago.  When we got in line at 11:50PM there was only one person in front of us.  A lady, several years younger than myself, not married and with her daughter (about 1 year old) in the cart.  First off, it's almost midnight.  That child should be in bed asleep.  I don't understand why people don't have a sit bedtime and bring their kids out shopping late at night.  (Fuck, my six month old puppy even has a bedtime and falls asleep at 10PM, midnight the latest, each night!)  And then I looked at the belt and saw it.  Her separated stacks of groceries (baby food & formula) and the stack of EIGHT WIC checks right besides it.  

My infertile self got pissed.  She's broke, unmarried, has a child and for the next fifteen minutes I'm forced to stare at her in front of me.  Bean and I have been married for three years, have money (enough), a house, a dog, two cars and zero babies.  All I have to show for it is this shit and a dead baby.  Spectacular!  I looked at Bean and then her and mentioned something along the lines of "that is what you get when you don't use birth control".  Some days I admit, I'm just not a good person.

Not My Kind

Sometimes I wonder when I do get pregnant again how I'd react to other pregnant women around me that haven't had the same trials.  What if they got PG with little trying or on accident, instead of with fertility drugs, procedures and surgery?  Will I feel like they are not my kind?  Will I feel like I am above them? Especially if my pregnancy COST more (fertility treatment) than theirs?

Other Links

My old RE is offering a contest for a free IVF cycle.  This is only for those living in ME, NH, VT, MA, CT and RI.  You can enter to win by filling out the entry form here.  

An ultrasound device has been invented to work on smart phones.  I'd buy it if it wasn't $8k.  

-Selbe

Love April Already

CD1, at least I think right now.

After getting pregnant in December, miscarrying, having a D&C, waiting two months, being induced with Provera and having a Hysteroscopy, I've finally got my period.  Well heavy spotting.  

Yes I'm actually excited for AF.  I've waiting too long and just want to TTC again.  

My uterus hurts, it's ok though.  I don't mind.  Bittersweet, like an infertile getting pregnant and having morning sickness.  Bean and I took the dog for a long walk this morning to try and get it to drop more.  

I am VERY excited for this upcoming cycle.  And Bean will be home every day of it.

Spotting

Tiny bit of brown spotting.  Would love for it to be AF, and not just leftovers from my surgery.  It's been eight weeks since my D&C.  Tiny bit of cramping, not like that matters.  I've had cramping for weeks now.

I really hope my body starts ovulating on its own again.

-Selbe

Attack of the Giant Maxi Pads

Giant maxi pads are unsexy.

This was inspired by Bébé Suisse's post.

I don't normally wear pads.  They are thick (well getting thinner), and long like a giant diaper.  I can't wear the normal short ones because I bleed out the front or the back each time I've used them.  Not sure if it's me or if I'm not supposed to move in them or something.  They are uncool and I can't wear them with a thong.  And I'm still worried people can see my pad outline by looking at my butt, yes I thought I'd outgrow this too.  They are avoid at all cost.

Drop Rating System

I finally got rid of them all right before I got pregnant, prefect timing.  Then I lost my baby.  I was stuck going to Wal-Mart to find some sort of giant pad for this problem.  It's not like a can stick a tampon in there and come back 8 hours later.  I'm going to A. miscarry at home, where the baby and everything baby related is going to fall out of me, or B. I'll have a D&C, and then I can't stick anything inside me for awhile anyways so pads are the only option. 

I walked up and down the aisle looking at all the options.  I've heard the horror story of gushing blood and baby parts everywhere.  What would be the best pad since it's like like they market ones just for this.

(After my D&C it never ended up being that bad, so I was OK.)

I got to the checkout and the cashier started talking about the product I choose and whether I liked it.  I responded with some quick answer.  And then she went on and on about the product.  I stopped listening.

What I wanted to say:  "I have a dead baby inside of me and I'm only buying this product because I'm in the middle of a miscarriage and I really hope to get knocked up again soon after this so I never have to use the product again."

I know the friendly Wal-Mart cashier doesn't want to hear this.  I just move along.

The current dose of medication:

• Provera 10mg - 1x day (I think for three more days, to induce my period, medically) 
• Vitex 400mg - 3x a day = 1200mg (forever pretty much, to level out my hormones)
• Vitamin C 500mg - 4 at a time, 3x a day = 6000mg (two or three more days, to induce my period, herbally)

Do I have a say even if I'm not a mother, or haven't been pregnant for 40 weeks?

I saw this conversation on Facebook the other day.  Nothing against the person who posted it, conversations like this happen all the time.  As infertile women (with no children), do we even have a say when it comes to parenting and pregnancy?  Because we are not a mother are we just expected to keep quiet?  Sometimes I do feel odd when I'm put in conversations with people that talk about their pregnancy and a new baby.  What do you really want me to say?  And is what I say really taken seriously?

Here's a shocker:  Being infertile for 3 years makes you much more knowledgeable about conception and pregnancy than one might think.

Please don't tell me to try ovulation predictor kits, or have some certain tests.  I've had more things shoveled up my vagina, peed on more tests, and swallowed more combinations of pills that you'd ever know.  And if I haven't had said test, procedure or taken a certain medication it's probably because it cost a lot more money they you think it does.  And no, my insurance does not cover it.  

-Selbe

Trip to NY

My surgery is in the morning.  I'm more frustrated with everything than anything else.  

Hysteroscopy & Laparoscopic Surgery  - October 2011

Dilation & Evacuation - January 2012

Hysteroscopy - March 2012

This is my third time at the surgery center since October (well fourth if you count the first one getting canceled).  I'm exhausted from the same process over and over again, for different reasons.

I'm still waiting for Provera to work.  I've taken six pills so far (was only supposed to take five but had extra).  I've also started Vitamin C.

---

Trip to NY

I've had four days in a row off work this week.  Monday I drove five hours to NY to visit my father.  Tuesday morning I drove my father an hour each way to the Apple store to buy a new laptop.  Then spent the way transferring all his files from his really old PC.  Until 10PM when I was frustrated and couldn't do it anymore.  Today I helped him with his computer again.  Then drove the five hours back to NH to get here in time for my 6PM art class.  Tomorrow surgery, Friday I'm back at work.

This trip to NY is FAR from a vacation.  My father isn't that great with computers.  He gets a pop-up saying he has a virus, he downloads the program, installs it and then it shuts his computer down unless he pay them a certain amount of money.  Yes, someone actually falls for this.  Plus I'm pretty sure he visits a lot of porn sites.  The PC is loaded with so many viruses and spyware.  So I am switching him to a Mac, that way if he decides to download these programs they won't install.  My father has a temper, short patience, and asks questions using the wrong computer terms so you have to try is decipher what he really means.  If you guess wrong then he gets pissed at you.  It's frustrating and my patience also begins to run thin after hours of this.  Among other issues like "why doesn't it come with a book?" and making stupid jokes, I'd rather sit home and do nothing.  

I brought my five month old puppy with me, a test trip for him.  This was only 200+ miles, we'll be doing 3,000+ with him and two ferrets in three weeks.  (Ferrets are fine, we have done long road trips with them before.)  I wanted to make sure he'd up OK (not destroy the car, get car sick, have enough room, not get too hot, be alright in a new place) before finding out later on.  For being so young he was surprisingly decent.  He didn't chew on/dig at anything in the car or at my fathers.  He just sat there looking out the window or sleeping in the car.  He holds his bladder much longer now and had no accidents.  But is a little poop shy and had a hard time deciding to go.  The breed (Chow Chow) can be aggressive to strangers.  He barked at the toll booth collectors and strangers in the parking lot that got too close to the car.  Even grandpa (my father) he growled and barked at.  He waited and followed me around at grandpas.  If I was upstairs (Loki is still learning stairs) he'd wait at the bottom for me.  And waited by the door when I left to pick up pizza.  I told Bean about this "annoying" behavior and he said Loki is trying to protect me from people he thinks is a threat.  I've never had someone to protect me before (here and here), this might be nice.  Only thing that really pissed me off was I taught him the little stair in the garage.  I opened the door to start loading the car as we were leaving and he ran out and into the front yard without me.  I called him a couple times and he came running back, which was good.  But I was afraid I lost him forever.  I was upset at him for that.  I stuck him in the car while I loaded everything else.  Once we got on the road I noticed he was in the far back (not up by me) and looking out the window, only looking at me over his shoulder occasionally.  I could tell he was upset for getting yelled at and sensed I was still angry.  He didn't mean to be bad, I know he's young and just wanted to run and play in the yard, and he did come back when I said "come".  I ended up stopping at a local pet store and bringing him inside to pick out a toy.  There is this stupid sheep toy he plays with every puppy class (he plays with it more than the other puppies) that I have been avoiding buying because I know he'll destroy it quick.  Anyways he's the happiest dog every now with the sheep and carries it around wherever.  Overall the dog is way easier than my family.

-Selbe

Being Happy For Pregnant Women

I went to work today and worked a 8.5 hour shift.  I thought about not going in at all.  My back hurt from working late the night before, I was tired, and still nauseous.  But I sucked it up.  

I mentioned my 19-year-old co-worker that accidentally got pregnant.  She is 20-ish weeks along now.  It just kind of upsets me that my baby was planned and took a lot of trying, only for it to die.  I see her and the healthy  baby bump everyday.  It's very hard to look at her some days.  Or hear other co-workers talking about the baby.  She calls out A LOT... for being pregnant.  I've never made it past 10 weeks, my input and experience doesn't count much.  But I think of all the times I went to work during my miscarriage, and then returning back the day after my D&C.  I sucked it up and showed up.  Pregnancy is not an excuse!  Nor is a miscarriage.  It was my own fault for getting pregnant, I wanted it.  Even during my miscarriage I was called in to cover her ass. Doesn't it seem odd that I'm the one in the middle of losing my baby, and I'm having to cover for someone who got pregnant on accident.  I don't blame the company, I chose to go in and get on with my life.  It seems ironic.  

During my long shift today I realized I wish was I was more happy for those that are pregnant around me.  Sometimes it's hard to show that I'm happy for someone that has gotten something I want so easy.  (Other infertile women I am much more tolerant of.)  I understand it's a happy time in their life, it'd be a happy time in my life too.  If I was them.  It's hard to be ecstatic for someone when all you feel is pain inside.  I wish I could see it from their eyes.  That's a new goal, although I think an unrealistic one.  I've been infertile for too long.  

I wish I could see the happiness and not pain.

I am happy for them deep down, even though most of the time I don't show it.  But I also very sad for myself.  I wish God (or narwhal god) would make them wait a month or two longer, and give myself or another infertile a chance.  But this isn't pick a number like at the local deli.  It's not first-come, first-served.  It's more like a gamble.  Sometimes we are hanging out at the deli for way too long waiting for our turkey.  Only to watch person after person cut in line and get served.  The only thing we can do is stand off to the side, because saying something is socially unacceptable.  Our biggest fear: we finally do get up there and there is no turkey, or ham or yummy cheddar cheese left.  There is nothing left for us.

I wish I was better at throwing on a face smile and saying "congrats".  

Please pray to narwhal god that my next cycle (April) shows happiness again.

-Selbe

Provera #4

Good Luck State

This area is bad luck.

I didn't grow up around here.  People often ask me if I like living here.  I fucking hate it.  I don't mind the area so much, it's just that everything I touch turns to shit.  Something always goes horribly wrong.  At first I wanted to "fix" it, then realized there was no way.  I thought I'd list the bad things that have happened.

Bad:

1. I lost a lot of friends.  I moved here with a few good friends.  Something happened with one of them (that wasn't my fault) and I ended up losing the whole group of them.  They came around eventually so that was good.  But I spend a lot of time alone for awhile.  - Aug. '10
2. My husband's best friend attacked me.  I was never the same after that. - Sept. '10
3. My mum came to visit.  About 30 minutes after picking her up she fell down my stairs and broke her arm.  She ended up having to spend the night in the hospital. - Sept. '10
4. My husband missed our first anniversary and bought me a really nice camera lens to make up for it.  My Pell Grant for school decided to drop me and I had to sell the lens to make up the money. - Sept. '10
5. My ferret Munchlet got diagnosed with terminal cancer and needs surgery. - Oct. '10
6. Munchlet's surgery got canceled because he has an enlarged heart. - Dec. '10
7. I got food poisoning on Christmas day and Bean ended up having to take me to the ER. - Dec. '10
8. I cried for the first time over a negative pregnancy test. - Dec. '10
9. I got told I'm infertile. - Dec. '10
10. My husband's asshole of a friend (see #2) ruined a holiday party of me by spilling beer all over my clothes.  - Jan. '11
11. I have really bad allergies and require shots each week. - Mar. '11
12. Some asshole totaled my favorite car. - Apr. '11
13. My new car gives me tons of problems. - May '11
14. My fertility drugs stop working, for the third time. - Aug. '11
15. A really painful HSG requires Lap surgery. - Sept. '11
16. Stinker dies. - Nov. '11
17. The heartbeat on my first child stops and I need D&C surgery. - Jan. '12
18. I put Munchlet to sleep. - Feb. '12
19. D&C then requires a Hysteroscopy surgery. - Mar. '12

And then the good so I don't seem like such a pessimist.

Good:

1. I got a new couch. - Oct. '10
2. I got a new OBGYN.  - Mar. '11
3. I got a new car.  Thanks to #11 totaling it. - Apr. '11
4. Bean got a new car.  - Jun. '11
5. I got a new job and love the people I work with. - Jun. '11
6. I got a new RE.  (See #13) - Aug. '11
7. I got a dog named Loki. - Dec. '11
8. I got pregnant for the first time with a herbal drug.  (Then see #16) - Dec. '11
9. I trading my car in and dyed my hair blue thank to #16. - Jan. '12

Good Luck Necklace I Got

So outside of the materialist items I'm going to say my experience living here has been pretty crappy.  I've lost my health, my pets, and my child.  You can't simply replace those with a trip to the store.  I like my local friends around here.  But I am very happy to be leaving.  I feel like everything that could go wrong has here.  I don't know of anyways to fix it besides just getting up and leaving.

I still feel like crap!

My stomach hurts to much, usually in the morning or at night.  On an empty stomach or full one. Sometimes I just want to throw up and get everything else. This is like the two week wait symptoms I had for my pregnancy in December, but worse.  But the RE said pregnancy would be impossible since ovulation never happened at 0.5 progesterone.   I envy every preggo with morning sickness right now, least they are getting something out of it.  And the boobs still hurt.

-Selbe

Provera #3

Blood Work 3/16

Source

My blood work didn't come out for what I hoped for.

Progesterone:  0.5

Estrogen: 380

Progesterone needs to be 10 or higher for a non medicated cycle, which indicates good ovulation.  A 7 or 8 is a week ovulation, not a very good egg I guess.  A 5 is crappy, but still ovulation.  However, a 0.5 is nothing.  I never ovulated.  I don't know how to read the estrogen levels, I couldn't find a website with a chart.  I think 380 is pretty high.  My estrogen was high back in September too so that wouldn't be a surprise.  

I started Provera yesterday.  It's been over seven weeks from my D&C and my hormones show nothing good.  RE is just going to induce my period and start over.  It should start in a week or three.

My surgery is still next Thursday.  Unless I get my period and I'm bleeding heavy.  Light period they can still do it.

I'm not looking forward to Provera cramps, my first D&C period and a Hysteroscopy all a once.  I fear the menstrual cramps that are to come.  But I really don't have any other choice.

I'm still pretty nauseous and my boobs are sore (I'm 100% serious, not making it up).  I don't know what could cause the sore boobs, I've only ever gotten in post-ovulation with an increased progesterone level.  Could my estrogen level be causing it?  Bean wants to wait and see still.  Maybe they got my labs mixed up with someone else or did them wrong.  Can that even happen? 

-Selbe

Ovulation?

I'm going at ask for progesterone blood work for Friday morning.  I feel like crap, I think I really might of ovulated last Thursday.  I gave up on the OPKs and the Ovacue, it was CD43!  My boobs are slightly sore, back is in pain, head feel like I have a sinus infection (without the pain), snotty nose, dizzy, new zits all over the face, nauseous and the only thing I wanted to eat today was mint chocolate chip ice cream.  I don't even like that kind of ice cream!

It's been seven weeks since my D&C, still no period.  In fact my LMP is still mid-November.

My two week wait from December, day before I found out I was pregnant.

-Selbe

Feeling Pregnant

Sometimes I still feel pregnant.

Dumb, I know.  I don't know if it is because I might be in my two week wait (I don't know for sure), or my progesterone is higher than normal, or that since I have been pregnant before I now know the symptoms to look for.  Maybe even making up those symptoms.

Like today for example.  I keep getting nauseous.  I eat and it goes away, but an hour later it returns.  I had a Luna bar for breakfast.  I started getting nauseous and was starving by first break at work, so I had my Greek yogurt and flax seeds (what was supposed to be my lunch).  Nauseous and starving again, for lunch I went and bought food.  By break two, same story.  I finished my lunch then.  Same thing when it was time to go home.  Then I thought the last time I got these short bouts of nausea was right before I found out I was pregnant, and didn't know what it was yet.  Come to think about it I was starving then too.  My stupid mind things maybe I am pregnant?

I quickly push that thought aside.  

 BFN (negative) after miscarriage

Same goes for the pregnancy tests.  Even though my beta was <5 last week sometimes I swear I still see a faint double line.  I have to be going insane.  That or my test are super sensitive.  Or now that I know where the second line is supposed to be I imagine it there.  

Or squishing my boob because I think they might be sore when moved a certain way.

The most practical answer is I'm a crazy infertile and probably making things up hoping to look for a way I might be pregnant.  

Fucking crazy...

Have any of you post-miscarriage women done the same thing?

And I'm nauseous again...

My body is exhausted from work.  I just worked the last six days in a row, 42 hours total.  I want to sleep forever.  And my back is killing me.  Today starts my weekend though and I'm happy for that.

My pre-op appointment is Thursday for my surgery.  I might mention to the RE the ovulation type pain I had last week and "accidentally" having sex twice around that time (nothing is a fucking accident in infertility).  Maybe get him to do a progesterone test on me Friday to see where my levels are.  The surgery can't be done on someone who is pregnant, it will kill the baby.  You're supposed to use protection CD1 and on to prevent against pregnancy.  Well I never had a CD1 after my D&C, so yeah, no protection was used.

The menstrual cramps I was having have gone away.  I thought they were going to be the start of AF, my first period since my D&C (it's been almost 7 weeks!)  It got worse and worse, then went away.  Fucking cock tease.  Well never mind there.

-Selbe

Five Stages of Loss - Month Two

Source

The five stages of loss, for two months after my miscarriage. 

1. Denial & Isolation - Denial, none.  It happened.  I still feel like a distance myself from those around me.  I really do try though.  This is my last month in this area and probably the last time I'll see many of my military friends.  So I do try to get out there for the last get togethers.  I know once I move I won't have that many friends for awhile, being new and all.

2. Anger - I feel much more calm now.  I'm still sad it happened, I wish my baby didn't have to die.  But I'm also not extremely angry at other pregnant women.  Every once and awhile I make a hateful remark but I feel less bitter overall than after my miscarriage and some days before I even got pregnant.  

3. Bargaining - None, again what am I even going to bargain for?  It's already done.

4. Depression - I still get out of bed every day.  I still go to work.  I still come home and feed and take care of the pets.  My miscarriage isn't affecting my day to day life.  I don't feel like I am depressed.  Sure I am sad.  Anyone who would say it wasn't a sad experience is a heartless bitch.  

5. Acceptance - I have accepted.

I have improved since last month.

Not caring about trying for a baby again has helped me heal.

Right after my miscarriage I wanted to try again and get pregnant again as soon as possible.  Then a couple posts back I mentioned I didn't care for TTC much anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I still want children and all.  However, the TTC effort has decreased a lot.  I am almost even afraid to get pregnant again.  Being pregnant doesn't mean 40 weeks and I bring a healthy baby home from the hospital, least not for me anymore.  Seeing those double lines automatically makes me think I'm going to relive this experience.  At any one of those ultrasounds my baby will now be dead, that I will have to go through a D&C and all the other testing I've had since.  Pregnancy will now never be the same for me.

This not really caring attitude has helped me a lot.  I almost asked a pregnant women at work when her due date was.  Then decided that was pushing it for me.  Another guest came to me with a container of those gummy prenatals vitamins.  I mentioned how much I love them (they really are good, I could eat the whole container in one sitting).  She told me they're good but she couldn't really take them 'til the afternoon, because "you know why".  I looked at her confused, I can take mine in the morning, night, whenever.  Sometimes several times a day.  Then I realized she actually takes them for pregnancy.  Odd that.  Then said my baby had died (bringing out the happy train) and that they have extra folic acid (good to take any time).  I didn't ask her due date ether.  She wasn't showing so it was probably close or after mine.  

Hearing about women that are close to my due date upsets me.

I overheard another conversation with a women saying her due date was August 26th, a day after mine.  Those are the ones I fear the most.  The ones due right around the same time as I was.  I'd be close to 17 weeks right now.  Wow that's a big number.  I would be finding out the sex soon.  I'd have a baby belly soon, if I didn't already.  I would have already bought maternity clothes.  I'd start feeling my baby move.  My pregnancy would be almost half over.  That's where I could have been.  That's not where I am though.  I need to let it go.  Sometimes it is hard though, seeing where I could have been put right in my face.  Sometimes by people that are ignorant and don't realize how lucky they have it.

My dizziness is getting better.

My pregnancy bloody nose has stopped, along with my dizziness.  I've been sick so I think my constant snotty nose as kept it from drying out.  Last week my ENT gave me stuff to lubricate (?) the inside of my nose to help.  I didn't think I would need it since it seems to be healed.  Until yesterday, it started bleeding again.  Shit.  Hopefully the dizziness won't come back with it.  So far all I've had is nausea this week.  And my blood pressure has dropped to 110/70 (it was kind of high the few weeks after the D&C).

-Selbe

Not Pregnant

Beta @ 5 weeks, 6 days Pregnant - 5,944 mIU/ml

Beta @ 1 week post-D&C - 470 mIU/ml

Beta @ 3 weeks, 1 day post-D&C - 9 mIU/ml

Beta @ 4 weeks, 1 day post-D&C - 5 mIU/ml

Beta @ 6 weeks, 1 day post-D&C - 0 mIU/ml

ZERO!  

I am officially "not pregnant".

This is probably one of the few times on this infertility blog that I will be happy to say I am not pregnant.  Well not pregnant hormonally.  I haven't been pregnant pregnant in over 6 weeks.  Six fucking weeks for my hCG to drop down again.

I bought myself a margarita tonight.  Though I probably would have got one ether way because I'm a proud drunk.

I'm still having slight cramping and occasional ovary pain.  Cramping I'm not sure what that is.  Menstrual like cramping like the start of my period.  Maybe it's like the last time I took Provera and cramped for two weeks before ever getting AF.  The ovary pain is just my right side.  Maybe a cyst, or maybe my ovary just hates me.  Probably too late after a D&C to ovulate, though it felt like ovulation pains.

-Selbe

Ovary Pain

Bean is working a horrible work schedule right now.  For the last month he has been working 1PM to 1AM, some days later like 3, 6 or 8 AM.  This is seven days a week.  Every night I struggle to stay up 'til 1AM to at least see him.  From 1-3AM is really the only time I spend time with him.  I literally haven't left the house with him this whole time, no dinners out or anything.  I work mornings (8 or 9AM to the afternoon), mid shift (11 or 12PM to the afternoon or evening), or closing (3 or 4PM to 10PM).  Morning shift I really can't stay up late to see him.  I usually just go to bed before he even gets home.  He gets home, is up for a few hours before going to bed, then sleeps right until he has to go to work again.  There is no waking him up before work to do something, he sleeps like a rock.  The other day he informed me of a new schedule, 3PM to 4AM.  Fuck I can't make it to 4AM.  

I had a lot of pain in my right ovary last night.  It only lasted for a few hours.  Not sure what that was.  Kind of felt like ovulation pain, but they wouldn't come this late.  

Still waiting on my post-D&C period.  Today would be CD44, or 6 weeks.  

-Selbe

The Book

This book was given to me on the military base when I first found out I was pregnant.  Along with other useless information like pamphlet on why it's not OK to get drunk while pregnant.  I found the book in a stack of papers the other night.  

Things It Addresses:

• lists important doctors numbers & visits
• week by week guide to your pregnancy, warning signs, weight and blood pressure
• space to fill out how your pregnancy is going
• delivery & how to feel after
• list of discomforts of pregnancy
• risks of drug use and STDs
• how to feel during pregnancy
• baby stuff to buy

Of course all to those things are useless to me.  This book is for a healthy pregnancy.  In fact the only to possible problems it addresses are Downs Syndrome and Cystic Fibrosis.  Not even the basic mention on gestational diabetes or preeclampsia.  Nothing about miscarriage, stillbirth, or any of the other many many problems that could arise during pregnancy.  It tell you how to feel during and after pregnancy, but not after you lose your baby.  In fact "miscarriage", "pregnancy loss", etc. are not even mentioned in the glossary.     

Things I Have Learned From the Book:

• drinking, smoking & using cocaine can cause miscarriage & stillbirth babies (the only mention of pregnancy loss)
• if you don't use any birth control for a whole year then you have a 85 in 100 chance of getting pregnant (my ovaries didn't get this memo)
• infertility doesn't seem to exist (because other than the page about twins it doesn't mention trying for a baby)
• I'm obese (according to the height vs. weight chart) 
• my insurance won't pay for an abortion if the baby has a health defect and will pass away before or soon after birth (not sure how my D&C fits into that)
• I dislike this preggo guide and probably everyone that has a healthy pregnancy to go along with it

I'm a drug addict and fat cow, but don't worry I'll get knocked up again soon because I'm going to be irresponsible and not use any birth control (probably for the rest of my life).  

This book looks like a good source of info and a way to track your pregnancy.  I'll throw it in the baby bin in the basement with all the other pregnancy books for now.  I need to order some infertility books, something that is more useful.  

-Selbe

Grrr!

I haven't been feeling amazing the last couple days.  Everyone at work is sick.  I decided to take a HPT, not sure why.  The cheap Wondfro one looks like it has two lines.  I stared at it in every light, took pictures of it with and without the flash.  So I went to Walgreens and bought a First Response Early Results 6 Days Sooner.  (Where they are way over priced, BTW.)  That has a slight second line too.  Maybe I'm imagining it.  

I'm 9dpo today.  My hCG beta was 9 last week, meaning it would be lower today.  I'm not sure the sensitivity of these two brands.  I don't understand why they would pick up on <9.  

I'm more annoyed.  This is like "happy new pregnancy" but probably isn't.  I'm not a lucky person.  It's probably leftover pregnancy hormones, or broken tests, or leftover parts they didn't get from the D&C.  Something other than a successful pregnancy.  I hate pregnancy test.  I'm going to keep taking them though.  

-Selbe

Welcome ICLW!

Yay ICLW!  About me:  I'm 27, hubby is 32.  I have PCOS with irregular periods and no ovulation.  I did five cycles of Clomid last spring/summer.  Then switched to a herbal drug called Vitex.  I got pregnant in December.  First ultrasound went OK.  Second ultrasound my baby was 2 weeks behind with a weak heartbeat.  Third ultrasound the heart was even weaker.  Fourth ultrasound the heart had stopped.  I had a D&C at the end on January and am currently waiting for my cycles to come back (as regular as they are going to be) to try again.  Welcome!

Next topic...

I work retail.  I don't mind it, except the fact the pay is low.  The last two days I feel like I have had every pregnant women in the world come to me.  Like EVERY pregnant women.  I really hope they are all just fat or something, that would make me feel better.  I pretty sure they feel me out or something.  I have that effect with small children and dogs.  They just want to hang out with me even when I ignore them.  I don't get it.  It's like, "Oh this women just lost her baby, why don't I go show her my big belly and "cheer" her up", or something stupid.  

My co-worker who was pregnant in November/December time came to visit work today and show off her newborn.  We were never really best buddies to begin with.  She talked about the fetus a lot, I talked about my fertility drugs and surgeries.  She talked about how her back hurt because she was pregnant (obviously I forgot), I talked about how my back hurt because I was stuck working and standing for eight hours to pay for fertility drugs.  She didn't really care much about me.  The world revolved around her, which is common in fertiles.  She isn't a horrible person, I just can't stand listening to her talk for long periods of time about the fetus and I'd often cut the conversations short.  Anyways, baby came in today and I put on my "oh cute newborn" caring face.  Then she left and said she'd be back in a bit to visit again.  I hoped that wasn't the case since I was going on break soon.  Sure enough she found me when I got back.  Fuck!  She paid with a baby shower gift card and let me know someone had been generous to them.  That's nice.  I've been on fertility drugs longer than you've been pregnant, I couldn't even get a fucking $5 bib for free.  She started talking about how hard it is raising a newborn (and rewarding) and how she had to move in with her family for help.  It made me think of military families.  We get 10 days tops of our husbands being home.  Maybe he'll be around a bit more (nights and weekends) depending on the schedule.  But sometimes they are deployed or on a missions and they don't get to come home at all, for the birth or first months of life.  That or they are home for the 10 days and then fall off the face of the earth for months.  We live near no family.  Maybe someone will come out to help for a little bit.  But for the most part you are all alone.  Maybe I've already accepted that as "normal" life.  However, this women would be fucked if she was a military wife. 

I don't tolerate complaining all that well.  

Back to the bib.  I think one of these days I'm going to cry when someone gives me someone for my baby, even used.  I'll probably cry at my baby shower too.  Everything in the baby bin has been purchased or made by myself.  Getting a gift will show me someone really does care.  Even though baby #1 is dead, but for baby #2 maybe.  I can't really describe it but I feel like it will mean a lot after everything we have been through.  This is silly, they are just stupid gifts.  I shouldn't even care.  I'm strong, it's all about doing everything for myself.  I don't need to rely on anyone else.  Anyways my project of turning a baby bib into a memory book cover for my lost baby is finished.  I haven't gotten the book yet but the cover is done. 

I mentioned before how I thought miscarriage was different in fertiles verse infertiles.  Fertiles get pregnant after three months of trying, or even on accident.  Sure they miscarry and lose their baby too.  But if they really want a baby they will get pregnant in a couple months again.  I think because of this the miscarriage doesn't hit them as hard or affect them as much.  Not saying they are not sad.  But infertiles get pregnant after years of trying.  Sometimes after many IUI or IVF.  I wish I could make it so every women that has waiting this long or gone through these procedures and drugs be immune to miscarriage.  That everyone of them could carrying home a health baby from the hospital in 40 weeks.  That is not the case.  We have the same 25% of miscarriage rate and chances of other pregnancy complications, sometimes even more.  A few blogs posted the story of Mo this week.  She had 3 early miscarriages in the past, now at 22 weeks is being induces with the odds not looking good for her son.  I cried when I heard about them.  I cried for a complete stranger that I've never even met before.  That's what we do here.  This infertile community is there for one another.  We read each others depressing posts and check up on each other.  Miscarriage is different for infertiles.  It's not just another month or two of trying.  It's possibly month or years, maybe even never, of trying.  It's putting out more of your own money on infertility treatment.  I don't care how common miscarriage is.  We spent years dreaming of this, then given our dream to have it taken away far too soon.  What a tease.

The only way I can explain it:  Tell me your dream car.  We'll go to the dealership and look at it, maybe even test drive it for awhile.  I'll tell you I'm going to buy it for you and we pick out all the fancy options you want.  You update your Facebook status and tell everyone you know you are getting this car.  Tomorrow I'm going to tell you I was just kidding and laugh in your face.  This is infertility.  Replaces the car with your future child and it become 100 times worse.  

-Selbe

Recap of the Year

The positive:  I've had more cycles this year than I've had in the past eight or so.  Between my PCOS, being drugged with birth control as birth control, and being drugged with birth control to "fix" me, I average about 4 cycles a year.  Which I probably never ovulated during.  The feminine hygiene products I've had to buy this year, wow.  I usually buy a box and I'm set for a year or two.  Fuck I still have stuff in my bathroom that is 5 or 10 years old that I need to go through and throw out.   

Cycle #1 - March 16th

First cycle off birth control to regulate my cycle, not as birth control.  Last time I was on birth control as birth control... I don't remember when that was.  But I did do a shot of Depo-Provera while my husband was deployed in 2009/2010.  Then realized that was a silly idea since Bean wasn't home anyways.  It was a spur of the moment idea while I was at Planned Parenthood for something else.  After Depo wore off and I got my period Bean was home.  We didn't try at pregnancy, or really prevent it.  After a couple months I decided to try and figure out when I ovulate.  However, my cycle was 7 months long which is not uncommon for me.  After a few useless doctors visits I decided to ask my new OBGYN for Clomid, something I read about on the Internet for women like me.  Clomid 50mg it was.  CD14, CD18, CD20 came and gone with no positive OPK.  I was given Provera to end the cycle.  No ovulation. My due date for this cycle was December 23rd, 2011.

Cycle #2 -  April 24th

I'm increased to Clomid 100mg.  I got a positive OPK around CD16, but it didn't result in pregnancy.  I got my period on my own.

Cycle #3 - May 22nd

Clomid 100mg again.  Another positive OPK for CD18.  But no pregnancy.  Period again arrived on it's own.  This is better than nothing.  My due date was February 29, 2011, Leap day.  It's sad I still remember all these due dates.

Cycle #4 - June 22nd

This is going to be my month!  Clomid 100mg again.  But no positive OPKs and my progesterone results came back extremely low.  My body stopped responding to 100mg.  More Provera for me.

Cycle #5 - July 29th

Increased to 150mg.  Ovulation scheduled for during our vacation, great!  Except my body also stopped responding to 150mg also.  I'm given Provera again and sent away to an RE.  An OBGYN can no longer help these ovaries.

Cycle #6 - September 16th

Lots of testing, no real baby making.  I started a herbal drug called Vitex expecting it not to work, 'til I surprisingly got my period after 31 days.

Cycle #7 - October 17th

More Vitex but no baby making due to lap surgery during around the time of ovulation.  However I got a positive OPK and the progesterone blood work came back great.

Cycle #8 - November 16th

Decides to give Vitex some more time before moving on to injectable like RE suggested.  Results in a BFP right before Christmas with a due date for August 25th, 2012.  Baby's heartbeat was lost about a month later.  

Cycle #9 - January 26th - Current

If the ovulation date I have is correct then I should get my period on February 29th.

-Selbe