RE Appointment 5/24

My appointment went good today.  We did get lost when we first arrived.  I asked the little Korean lady at the information desk where to go but she didn't know where the "fertility clinic" or "Reproductive Endocrinologist" was.  She gave me two options.  First being the OBGYN on the third floor, for pregnancy tests, pregnancy and giving birth.  No, that's not me.  Plus when I made my appointment I was told me ground floor or lower level.  The second option was the OBGYN on the ground floor.   Hmm, I don't think that is me, but it could be?  I walk down to the OBGYN clinic and as soon as I walked in the door I notice the waiting room full and there are tons of newborns and babies everywhere.  Fuck!  I really hope this isn't the place.  Sure enough he sends me a door down to the actual fertility clinic.  This waiting room just had a couple waiting alone and a few women.  Much more my taste.

Basic Appointment Testing

Source

• Medical History - They didn't seem to care about the records that have yet to arrive.  Just asked me questions.
• Ultrasound
• Uterine Lining - Measured 15mm, too thick.  Obviously it's been some time since AF.
• Ovaries - I've never had cysts before, at least they haven't been found.  She showed me the left ovary, covered in small cysts.  Then scanned to the right ovary, also covered in cysts.  It's nickname is Ring of Pearls.  Yup, the classic PCOS cysts.
• Blood Work - I go for that tomorrow morning.  I'm having glucose done along with a few other thing, mostly stuff I've had done in the past.
• Semen Analysis - She's a little worried about Bean's low results in the past.  I'm not too concerned, they could be worse & I seen PG with less.  They are not bad enough to send us to an Urologist.

Dr. C told me there is overweight PCOS and skinny PCOS.  I have skinny PCOS.  Even with my anovulation and cysts I still don't look PCOS.  Which is probably why I've made it so long without a diagnosis.  I'm not overweight enough and I don't have thinning hair, hair in strange places or darkening of the skin.  She also said no amount of weight loss will make my PCOS better.  Though I don't like to make excuses nor am I lazy, this is something I have thought about from time to time due to the fact that my problems began when I was 16 and underweight at the time.  I actually wasn't allowed to donate blood in high school because I didn't weigh enough.  If I see the same problems at a BMI of 18 and a BMI of 29, weight probably it's related to it.  

Cervix

The description of the my cervix from the RE looks bad.  I guess most of it is gone and it's very short.  I am at a great risk for cervical incompetence and a cervical cerclage is most likely going to be needed.  This also comes with bed rest.  This scares me because I am a military wife without family in the area and very few friends.  I will have to figure out a plan once I get pregnant.  This also isn't new news to me so no surprise about the cerclage.  

She is having me met with the high risk OBGYN even before pregnancy is achieved so I know what to expect.

Overall

Even with my failing cervix, my polycystic ovaries and Bean's 23 million sperm count we are ready to move forward with IUI.

Move to IUI

I began spotting this morning, randomly without any cramping.  Not sure if this is AF, but if it is then tomorrow or the following day should be CD1.

I need to have a beta PG test done to make sure I'm not PG.  This part really doesn't seem necessary.

On CD3 I'll start Clomid 50mg for five days.  I'm not a fan of Clomid, I didn't ovulate at 150mg, let along 50mg.  My five rounds of Clomid before were unmonitored they don't know how I responded to it, other than not releasing eggs.  This time I will have ultrasounds to show the number of eggs and their sizes, along with the trigger shot to manually release them when they are ready (vs waiting for if/when my body to do it).  So I guess it's better, but I still don't like Clomid.  I've just already been down the road before and see no hope there.  

Around CD12 I'll have my first ultrasound to check the size of my follicles.  Possibly a few ultrasounds after that until my follicles are large enough.

I'll be given the Ovidrel trigger shot.

Following that will be my IUI with Bean's fresh or frozen sperm, depending on if he is home or not.  If it is fresh sperm and Monday-Friday then I'll go to Tacoma, if it's frozen or fresh on Saturday or Sunday then I'll go to Seattle.  

Next Tuesday we drive to Seattle to "drop off" some sperm to be frozen. 

Cost 

Clomid & Ovidrel are covered by my insurance, along with any blood work or ultrasounds.

The IUI is $200 for the sperm washing and inseminating me.

Freezing sperm and keeping it frozen is $250 for the first three months, then $125 every three months after that.  

This is a pretty good deal.  There is about a 20-25% chance of it working each cycle.

I'm also on the list for IVF.  It's about a year wait and costs $6000.

-Selbe

The Chalkboard Project

I started my chalkboard project the other day.  I decided just to label it 0, 1, 2, 3 (hopefully 4, 5, 6...) weeks.  It kind of went with the other idea.    I started out with a brief history of the infertile me (and a little Bean).  I have a much longer list on the timeline page if anyone is interested.

That's it for now.

-Selbe

Anger

I returned back to work Thursday, Bean on Wednesday.  I'd rather be at work, although there are some things that do upset me.  If not working then I'm just sitting on the couch or laying in bed.  That really doesn't help ether.

People keep asking me how I'm doing.   Honestly how would you be doing in my position?  I'm pissed, I'm angry.  I'm angry at other fertiles, at God, at myself.

Fertilies

I'm upset at couples that can get pregnant so easy.  The ones that try for 2 or 3 months or have just gotten off birth control.  Or the ones that get PG on accident.  Or the ones that get PG on accident while ON birth control (how does that even fucking happen?)  

I've been to the hospital for so many times this year for those that have had healthy babies.  We tried so long, so much.  Finally we got our dream only to have it taken away so soon.  I just happened to be in the small percentage of women this happens to.  A case of bad luck yet again.  Why do I feel like I'm the only one?  I know this isn't that uncommon, this happens to many women.  But yet I feel like I'm the only one to leave the hospital without a baby.  

Before complaining how crappy your pregnancy symptoms are or how horrible your child is, think of all the infertile women.  They would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  

The other day saw someone post on Facebook that they are upset they are not PG yet and would even take a miscarriage right now.  You want to take my life over and see your baby die?  Go right for it.  I'll give you this crappy situation.  Enjoy!

I don't know what's worse.  Getting PG and then losing your baby, or not getting PG at all.  I'm going to go with losing the baby.

God

For the infertile community I usually see one belief in God or the other.  1.  Those that believe God has a way for them and if they pray enough they will get it.  2.  Those that have seen so many bad things happen that they no longer believe said God exists.  I grew up learning God brings good things to those that deserve it and pray.  But what about bad things?  Does God also bring bad things to those that deserve it?  Does something else bring bad things?  Do bad things just come out of nowhere unlike good things?  I've seen a lot of bad things now, abuse and infertility to name a few.  Why does God give those that are clearly unfit to be parent a child?  (story of Caylee Anthony)  Why does he give those that are unwed (a sin) a child?  Why does he let people that are going to suck off welfare have unlimited children?  Why does he deny that to couples that are married, have amazing families and homes?  The anwser is simple.  1.  There is no God.  or 2. God does not control who gets good and bad.  Life is not fair.  If there was a being up there deciding who gets good and bad then life would be fair.  Shithole parents would become infertile and the infertiles would be given the amazing gift of life. However, it doesn't work that way. 

Myself

I'm angry I got myself so happy about the pregnancy.  I'm angry I had so much hope in it.  Maybe I didn't take enough folic acid?  Maybe 800mcg wasn't good enough for me?  (I literally went shopping for MORE folic acid supplements today.  Bean asked how much I need and I told him "more than I have now.")  I'm upset I can't be naive and enjoy a pregnancy without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong.  The ectopic, the miscarriage, my cervix falling.  I'll find something else once I'm cleared safe of all those.  I'm upset I know too much.  

And I'm also angry at my 18 year old unmarried co-worker than opps got pregnant.  I'm sorry I'm not all happy and hugs.  I am a bitch, I am angry.  The baby that took me 1.5 years to make is dying.  If you are pregnant then don't bother talking to me (unless you've been though the same things I have).  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to listen to the complaining.  I don't want to hear how horrible your life is.  Just let me be in my own bubble and looking out the window.  I'll come around someday, but it won't be today, or tomorrow, or even next week.  This goes for everyone who is pregnant.

My few days back at work have been alright.  I'm still kind of out of it.  I'm sure I spend a lot of time staring off into space.  Bean took me shopping last week and I randomly started walking away from him when he was looking at something on a shelve.  He found me half the store away looking at something.  He asked me what I was looking at and I told him "I don't know."  I really don't know.  I just wanted to walk.  I'm there but sometimes my mind isn't.

The hardest was today at work.  I had a few ladies buying tons of baby stuff for their grandchildren (guessing by their ages).  They were so excited and proud for their babies.  Makes me think of my own family.  Sometimes I feel like I never do anything right, my father is never proud of me.  And my mum is just too out of it in general.  I wonder what that's like to have someone proud of you.  But I will never know, least not with this baby.  Because I feel like I fucked up again.  

I keep getting dizzy.  Not sure if this is part of a miscarriage or my ears are messing with me.  I wrote a note with a short description of my medical problem and put it in the pocket.  I figure if I pass out or am in too much pain then someone will know what to do with me.

I got asked by a few people if I'm scared for my D&C on Thursday.  Odd enough both Bean and I are excited for it!  I was never really scared for my lap surgery last October ether, just more what they could find wrong with me since they were going in with the intent of finding something.  But the actually surgery, the IVs, being put out, waking up in pain later really doesn't concern me at all.  And this time they are not digging for something wrong.  Whenever I'm told I need another procedure, LEEP, HSG, lap surgery, the D&C now, at first I do feel sorry for myself.  Then I read a lot online, especially seeing many other women go though the same thing, and just tell myself they are routine procedures or something.  I don't feel bad anymore and then somehow assume EVERY women has them done.  Until I met someone one day that is in fear of something stupid like an abnormal pap smear or simple IV and think they are a little bitch.  Not sure if this helps the situation at all.  Haha.  Anyways we are excited for the D&C and chance to move on for baby #2.  

At the store tonight I saw this toy.  Bean told me it's a baby toy.  I told him I found it in the dog aisle, and it says "pet" on it.  It's for puppies.  Then talked him into buying it.  Toys like this are for pet owners who don't have children.  Especially those that are infertile and have replaced the dog as a child.  We buy toys like this, and the Kong Puppy Binkie, so we feel semi better about the lack of child we don't have.  Dear dog, please wait at least a week before ripping its wings off.

I went on a beauty supply shopping spree the other night.  It made me feel semi better.  Today I made an appointment to get my hair done next week.

-Selbe

Appointments 12/21

Source 

RE

Went OK.  I just went to monitoring hour so I only see the nurse then, not the actual doctor.

They called back this afternoon to tell me my beta is 86.

OBGYN

He can't do much to check for an ectopic this early.  I need a beta of at least 2000 to see the fetus on the ultrasound and check where it's located.  He told me my beta needs to increase by 60-80% at least in 48 hours.  If it doesn't, or decreases, then there is a high chance for an ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage.  

He's happy my tube is at least open, even though it's scarred and looks like crap.

Cervix might be a problem later on.

I'm going to remain in care of my RE the next couple weeks.  It's much easier for them to do blood work and ultrasounds.  

-Selbe

August 25th, 2012

Today I started out by calling my RE.  I wasn't able to get ahold of the nurse until a few hours later.  Since I'm on a natural cycle, not a medicated one, they are unsure that they can monitor me.  If I was on Clomid, injectable or did IUI, IVF then they would monitor me up to about 12 weeks (early appointments, blood work, ultrasounds).  Then I would get sent to my old OBGYN.  They are still trying to get a hold of my insurance company about monitoring me.

I also called my PCM (primary doctor, military medical center).  They do pregnancy tests without appointments.  Oddly enough Bean had an appointment in the same building at the same time so I had to lie why I was there.  My trip to PCM was LONG:

1. I walked up to the desk and they sent me to the nurse down the hall.  
2. I had to wait about 5 minutes to get in to talk to the nurse.  
3. Talked to the nurse for 10 minutes while she took down all my infomation. 
4. I got sent downstairs to the lab to pee in a cup (I guess they don't do blood betas there?)
5. Back upstairs to spend 15 minutes in the waiting room.
6. Back to the nurse and had to wait 5 minutes to see her.
7. She started talking about the baby and eating right, blah, blah.  My response: "wait is it even positive?"  She kind of skipped over that part.
8. I listened to her talk for about 30 minutes about basic pregnancy facts.  All stuff I already knew.  And then put it all in a folder from me to take home.  
9. I filled out a survey about my medical history.  Ectopic pregnancy, STDs, abnormal paps, genetic history.  
10. I was sent back to the waiting room from 20 minutes for my PCM doctor to review it.
11. Back to the nurse and she explained the referral out to the OB.  Normal referrals take a week or two to process, then however long until the OB feel the first appointment should be.  She explains to me that I'm consider high risk and I'm going to be seen a lot sooner.  
12. Downstairs to the refferals office.  There was already someone in front of me so I went to sit in the waiting room down the hall.  I went to check every so often and then to find out someone cut infront of me.  I just spent over two hours being passed from office to waiting room and my paitence and energy was beginning to wear thin.  
13. Refferals office called the OB for me.  They wanted me to come in tomorrow but I already have to work.

The due date they marked down is August 22nd, 2012.  This is from my LPM (last menstrual period) on November 16th.  If you go by the day I ovulated on, December 3rd then my due date is August 25th instead.  That seems like it would be more accurate.  

I'm 4 weeks, 2 days.

My first OB appointment is Wednesday morning (4wk,4days).  My refferal paperwork states: "LMP 16 Nov 11. EGA (estimated gestation age) 4+5 weeks Infertility pt with HSG Oct' '11 demonstrating "scarring of right tube". Please eval for IUP (intrauterine pregnancy) vs ectopic in this high risk patient."  Since my lap surgery showed a lot of scarring of my right fallopian tube the risk of ectopic is higher than normal, if I ovulated from my right ovary.  They are rushing to get me in sooner rather than waiting a few weeks.  Ectopic would mean I'd have to MC, naturally or with drugs.  And it can cause a lot of problems for me if it is not caught early enough.  I'm pretty sure it's not ectopic, most of the pain I've felt is from the left side, not right.  I knew I'd be high risk for a long time.  My cervix is a mess too. No surprise there.

16dpo @ FMU

16dpo @ FMU

16dpo @ 11PM

-Selbe

4wk, 2day

Lap Surgery

Before

My Laparoscopic Surgery and Hysteroscopy was yesterday morning.  It went good and eh.

October 25th - Surgery arrival time set at 7:30AM.  Then changed to 8:30.

October 26th - Surgery arrival time changed to 6:30AM.

October 27th 5:30 :45AM - Wake up.

6:00AM - In the car.  Downpouring, again.  It's only really rained hard twice in the past two weeks, both on my surgery days.

6:30 - Arrive at surgery center & check in.

6:50 - Called into back room, changed into my gown and slipper socks.

Before

7:00 - I'm given a chair.  Hooked up to heart monitor, blood pressure machine & took my temperature.  98.1°F this time, woo hoo!

7:20 - IV goes in.  I'm in pain because the tie is super tight around my arm to get my vein to pop out, the two needles they put in me were nothing.  Bean honestly looked like he was in more pain watching it go in.  (Then again this is my third time having an IV, he's never had one put in, & has a fear of needles. Good thing I'm the IF one & goes though all this shit.)

7:40 - RIP navel ring.  They made me take it out, well Bean did since I couldn't being being hooked up to everything.  They originally said to put it in right after, then I few days later.  Then when I woke up I heard something about infected (but I was really out of it.) So we'll see.

7:50 - They walk me into the room where my surgery is done.  I'm told to hop up on the bed and put my butt above the hole in it.  Both my arms of put off to the sides.  Things start to get "drunk", AKA blurry & I start laughing.  The Dr. tells me he already gave me one type of med.  A mask is put over my face & I'm told to breath. Few second later I was out.

8:50 - I began to wake up in the room I started with, except a bed not a chair.  Everything is so blurry & Bean comes in.  I'm given ginger ale but can't find the straw.

After

9:00 - Dr. H comes over to show me the photos, said some stuff put I was way too out of it.

9:20 - Told I need to pee before I leave & it might burn since a catheter was inserted. It only burned a little but there was tons of blood.  Bean helped me change back into my normal clothes & I'm given a seat in the chair again.

9:30 - Dr. H came & explained the photos again.

9:40 - Released & heading home.

10:10 - Told Bean I was nauseous on the way home, I threw up twice in the car.

10:30 - Home & in bed.  I slept on & off 'til 1, but couldn't sleep anymore since I had to pee every 20 minutes thanks to the IV fluids.

I'm in less pain than I thought.  My stomach is sore but it has stopped cramping.  My throat is sore from the tube they put down it.  My pee is still burning.  But overall I'm up and moving around.  I've gone up and down stairs, walked around two shopping stores tonight, and I'm eating solid foods.  I was prescribed Ibuprofen and Oxycontin for the pain, but so far I've only taken the Ibuprofen once.  My biggest issue and they fill you with gas to expand the abdomen.  This gas tend to rise up to the shoulders and cause pain, which it hasn't yet.  Plus the swelling.  My stomach feels so big (and hard).  I could probably pass as having an early pregnancy.

You are probably wondering how it went, so...

Cervix - Almost completely gone due to both my LEEPs.  I mentioned this before.  I'm wondering if this 100% sets me up for needed a cervical cerclage?  RE has to dilate it a lot to get the tube past the scar tissue and into my uterus.

Uterus - Normal but showed abrasions (the red marks)?  He said since I go so long between AF that this can happen.

Left Fallopian Tube - Normal.  Open & nothing wrong.

Right Fallopian Tube - Not normal.  It was open so they didn't have to unblock it.  But there was a lot of scar tissue, it was enlarged & very twisted.  This increases my risks of ectopic pregnancy by a lot.  Not sure if this means I skip IUI & head to IVF instead.  But since it's not block they left it as is.

Ovaries - Normal.  I'm assuming they are the blue/white things in the photos.  My tubes are also blue in colour due to the dye they used.

Liver - Normal.  Not sure why they gave me a photo of it.  But I guess I haven't drank it to death yet.

Vagina - Doing amazing like always.  Kind of sad I can't have sex or even take a bath for a week since my cervix with dilated.

My post-op appointment is next Thursday, which is also my "what to do with me appointment."  SA was done, HSG Lap Surgery done, BW done, U/S done.  I can now move forward with treatment.  And paying big money for what the other 99% of the population gets for free.  

CD12