Miscarriage Tattoo

I was confident the whole way there, even texting with a friend that this was the absolute best decision. I got out of the car and went in to sit on a stool to wait for my appointment.  Then I started to look around.  Thoughts filled my head.  "Look at all these people with tons of tattoos going down their arms.  My arms, legs, back, wherever, were still white and untouched.  I'm not a biker."  This is permanent.  The thought crossed my mind that I could stand up right then and walk out, I don't have to do this.  No one was forcing me to be there.

The guy doing my tattoo came over and showed me the drawing he did from the photos I brought in last week.  Prefect!  I did have it sized a little smaller.

We put the sketch on the stomach but it wasn't in the correct place so I had it moved over a bit.  I then climbed up on the bed.

When I think of getting a tattoo I didn't think of the pain that accompanies.  Look at all the medical things I've had done, pain doesn't seem to phase me.  But I feared the fact it's irreversible.  I reminded myself I just didn't decide today to be spontaneous and get a tattoo.  Or just walk in and look through the binder of ideas like I saw others do.  I've had this idea for over six months now.  It's not a silly tattoo you regret later in life when you grow up.  It's not in a location where I need to cover it up on a daily basis to work.  And if all else fails it is pretty small so for whatever reason it need to be removed someday it will not take much.

The tattoo needle was more painful than I expected.  But not enough to make him stop.  Some areas of my skin (lower part of the tattoo) were more sensitive than others.  After laying there for awhile the pain became less, or I just got used to it.  The tattoo took much less time than I thought to complete, only 30 minutes.

I was done and then told to hop up and check it out in the mirror.  This was it.  What had I done?  What if it looks horrible?

I love it!

I was told how to take care of it.  Clean it, don't wrap it, put A&D on it, etc.  So far it has been fine.  The area still hurts from the needles but not too bad.

This needed to be everlasting.  I did the balloon release.  I thought of planting a tree or garden but that's not for me.  I looked at miscarriage jewelry on Etsy, although very nice it still didn't seem like enough.

A few people in the past have asked me why my miscarriage or miscarriages in general happen.  Some people have alluded it to something the mother might have done to cause such a thing.  Though true some of the time, but not always.  One person mentioned a month or so ago that they knew someone who miscarried because they ate a lot of junk food.  Well I don't know if anyone realized this for not but most pregnancy craving are not for salads.  I used to eat the pretzels and cheese at the Target Cafe several times a week.  They were amazing, even though I completely ignored them the first six months working near there, and never ate another one after my D&E.  I know many women who eat tons of junk food and fast food and still have healthy babies.  And then there is the all organic, anti-feta cheese, anti-deli meat, anti-a bunch of other BS, group that loses their baby.

I like to think of it as the lottery system.  I'm not sure the percentage of pregnancies that end is miscarriage.  It kind of depends of several factors.  But I've seen 15-40%.  Let's use 25% today.  So God (or the Narwals, or whatever you believe in) takes 100 women.  He doesn't give a fuck if they got pregnant from a one-night stand at a bar with no idea the father's name, or have been doing fertility treatment for years.  He doesn't care if this is your miracle baby or if you have an appointment at Planned Parenthood next week for an abortion.  Out of these 100 embryos he needs to kill 25 of them.  Unfortunately your number comes up and your miracle baby is no longer a miracle.   Better luck next time.  There are problems that do cause repeat miscarriages and need to be addressed, but for the most part it is just bad luck.

I wish I could blame my baby's death on something.  But I know it's not all the pretzels I ate to work.  I could go into great detail about chromosomal abnormalities but that will put some to sleep.  But the simple explanation:  I had a miscarriage due to bad luck.

-Selbe

Tattoo Appointment Today

Source

I talked about my tattoo idea several months ago.  Last week I went to check out some local tattoo shops.  I really only got to one since I liked that one.  They were not standoffish like many tattoo/piercing places I've been to in the past.  My appointment to have it done is later today.  I'm going alone, and I'd rather go alone.  I'm more worried about the permanent aspect than the pain or them screwing it up.    

-Selbe

On a Break

And then there was the end...

That pretty much sums up IUI #2.

It Only Takes One

Fertile and infertile women say this to me all the time, especially after my last IUI.  I know they are trying to be optimistic for me but I really find it annoying.  Honestly being in my shoes look at it this way:

	IUI #1	IUI #2	IUI	IUI
Motility	83%	45%	-	100%
Rapid & Linear	58%	5%	-	100%
Total Sperm	12.5 mil	1.3 mil	1	100 mil
Total Eggs	1	2	4	3
Outcome	-	- ?	LOL	+ ?

Logically if 12.5 million swimming to 1 egg = negative, then 1.3 million non-swimming to 2 eggs = most likely negative.  So just one sperm, swimming or not, to 17 fucking eggs is also going to equal negative.

I'd much rather be honest and realistic, and I know that doesn't work for some people.  But that is what works for me.  Once I get the hope in my mind, all the other happy thoughts and dreams come with it.  When I find out it didn't work I end up crying my eyes out for hours.  It's better off to be realistic, expect the worst and be emotional prepared for it.

Don't tell me "well it only takes one".  Just fucking say you're sorry and move on.

Maybe I've just had a crappy life and I'm used to horrible luck.

Chemical

My cramps have mine really bad this cycle.  I've been drugged up on Midol every few hours.  TMI  Tons of clots and my spotting was almost purple.  That combined with the test from the other day, maybe I'm having a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage?  I'd never know since I didn't get blood work and I'm not going to wander over to the ER now to have it done.  Not like they could do anything  for me anyways.  Labeling myself as having a chemical pregnancy isn't exactly on honor.  

Future Plans with IVF

My plans before with using Bean's cryopreservation was to complete about 8-ish IUIs before I got to the top of the IVF list.  So far we've done two, August and then September 2012.  October is canceled.  November might be canceled depending on some other scheduling.  December is still on.  After that my schedule gets sketchy.  It looks like December will be my third IUI and that's it.  I wouldn't mind going to IVF and not completing a third IUI.  Bean's numbers are not that great, so I'm not even sure it's worth it.  Only reason I even do the IUIs to begin with is there's a tiny bit of hope and they are only $200.  

I'm looking forward to this break for a cycle or two.  I'll still be on Met everyday.  I'd hate to stop and have to spend another three weeks of my body getting used to it again later on.  It's just easier to stick with it.  Met usually takes about three month in your body before it starts to work so I'm interested in seeing it it kicks in.

I hate the number 13.  The ultrasound was on a Friday the 13th.  Ever since I'm superstitious of it.  I don't like odd numbers, and 3's.  I don't really a baby born in 2013.  That might sound weird, but I really hoped to make the 2012 cut off.  Now 2014, that's a safe number.  At least I've checked off over half of 2013 now.

I'm going to call Madigan tomorrow and double check with them when my approximate IVF date is.  I can't always trust the things they tell me because they tend to leave out details and are unorganized.  I think the price increased from $6000 to $8000 a couple months ago too.  I'd like to have around $12-14k saved up for IVF and possibly a FET or two.

An IVF cycle ($8-13k) consists of injectable drugs, blood work, ultrasounds, going in to retrieve the eggs when mature, having the eggs combined with sperm in the lab to create embryos, and then a few days later putting 1 or 2 embryos in the uterus.  The extra embryos, can be none, can be 20, are frozen. If the IVF cycle does not work (or you want your baby to have siblings years down the road) then the next cycle the frozen embryos are used.  This cycle is called a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and costs about $4k on top of what you already paid for the IVF.  Every time you go to do FET with the remaining embryos and you have pay again.

I'm a much better candidate for IVF than IUI due to my age and that fact I have tons of eggs for the average 27 year old.  Plus if I have ten eggs, well theoretically Bean only needs 10 sperm, not 10 million.  And they don't even need to be swimming or have tails.

Since I'm not TTC I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging for the next month or so.  Forgive me if I'm missing for bits of time.

PS I got a new basal thermometer today!  My old one needed a new battery, and it was cheaper to buy a new thermometer than one of those tiny watch batteries.  I'll keep my current one as backup.

-Selbe

Physical Pain is Nothing

Looking at the last couple years of my fertility journey I've learned that the physical pain from everything is nothing compared to the emotional pain I've felt.

The side effects from the drugs (Clomid mostly) are there and blah.  The blood work is just needles in the arm.  I don't even take a deep breath like they tell me anymore.  It only affect me if they take a large number of vials (6+) on an empty stomach.  Bring a snack to eat after in that case.  The most painful thing about blood work is that sticky tape some offices use to patch you up after.  The internal ultrasounds are nothing.  The wand is the size of your standard dildo.  The HSG was hell, but I'd do it again (with a lot of complaining) if I had to.  Lap surgery left two incisions in my stomach.  It was sore but I didn't take any pain meds and was back at work 3 days later lifting heavy items.  The gas bubbles hurt the most.  The Hysteroscopies and D&E I was fine with.  Up walking around soon after and back to work the next day.  Both IUIs there was cramping, but nothing too terrible.  Injections the in stomach seem to creep more people out than the pain they cause me.  It takes a little force to push the needle to break the skin, but once it's in I am fine.  

Source

Many women would get queasy about the thought of simple the blood work or dildo cam.  None of that is pain to me.  I don't even look at the most painful thing in the world, labor, with fear anymore.  All that stuff is just temporary physical pain.

The emotional pain is what will get you.  Sometimes you go through a cycle with so much hope.  You had sex at the right time, or the IUI/IVF went perfect.  You wait two weeks with all these early pregnancy or implantation symptoms.  You think to yourself that you must be pregnant.  Maybe even take a early pregnancy test and swear you see a faint line.  Come to find out your cycle didn't work.  All the hope you had is now crushed.  The only thing you can do is pick up the piece and try again next cycle.  

Maybe your cycle does work, and then you lose your baby.

After my second ultrasound with my first pregnancy I had to start prepping for the great possibility I would need a D&E.  My emotions were a mess at first.  Why did I have to wait two years for this to only have it taken away?  Why does everyone else get pregnant with the snap of their fingers and they take a healthy baby home from the hospital?  Two weeks later at my fourth ultrasound they confirmed our fear.  They told me my body did everything right for the baby, it was still trying to feed it.  The sac was perfect size for a 10 week old.  But the baby wasn't perfect size.  It was no longer moving and the heart had stopped.  The following day was my 27th birthday, the day after I was in surgery for my D&E.  By the time my D&E came I was fine, I had already disconnected from my baby.  But never the same person I was before.

I went back to work before my D&E.  Most days I was so dizzy but my RE told me as long as I wasn't bleeding excessively then there was no need to go to the ER.  I had my insurance card in my pocket along with a brief note about what was wrong with me and my emergency contact.  Just in case because some days I was so sure I'd pass out with the building moving so much.  The dizziness went on for months, later diagnosed as Vertigo, but the worst of it ended after the D&E.

The thing that upset me the most were my boobs.  As soon as I hit 5 or 6 weeks pregnant my areolas began getting larger, along with the standard soreness.  Weeks after my D&E I remember standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror.  My areolas were still large and my boobs sore.  My body was still hormonally pregnant.  It made me angry and I just wanted everything to return to normal.  Those sore breasts where for pregnancy, and I was no longer pregnant.  One day I even wore a bathing suit top in the shower because I didn't want to feel the water hitting them and reminding me.

Emotional pain like this story hurts me way more than any physical pain of fertility treatment.  

-Selbe

The Chalkboard Project

I started my chalkboard project the other day.  I decided just to label it 0, 1, 2, 3 (hopefully 4, 5, 6...) weeks.  It kind of went with the other idea.    I started out with a brief history of the infertile me (and a little Bean).  I have a much longer list on the timeline page if anyone is interested.

That's it for now.

-Selbe

Second Place Gift

7 Weeks

It's kind of embarrassing to admit I feel this way.  Every so often this happens.

My husband asked for a dog for years and years.  I'm not really a dog person, I've never owned one growing up.  I've always told my husband no, they are too much work.  After this past year of infertility and just a crappy year in general Bean again asked for a dog.  I said yes this time.

1. My year couldn't possible get anymore crappy than it already was.  At the time I had gone through five failed attempts at Clomid and lap surgery.  
2. A dog and all the stuff that goes with a puppy is cheaper than fertility treatment.

So we bought a five week old puppy, he came home a few weeks later.  Puppy was $800 and all the stuff to go with him was $400, still cheaper than a round of IUI.  Plus he was a "baby" and I wanted a baby (human, not dog) so maybe this would do for now.

I did have a few people on Facebook troubled that I bought a puppy and didn't adopt a dog out of a shelter.  Yes, there are a lot of dogs in the shelter being put to sleep.  I do feel sorry for them.  It's sad that bad things have to happen to good animals (or people) that don't deserve it.  One of the biggest things I've learned with infertility is that life is not fair.  The next dog I get I promise I will look in a shelter first.  But if I never have a newborn baby, please let me have a newborn dog at least once in my life.  

Even before the dog arrived I thought, "maybe this is it for me?"  Maybe there is no baby for me?

We got Loki and a week later I found out I was pregnant.  My dream! 

A month later I lost the baby.   

I looked at Loki with resentment.  I know he didn't cause the miscarriage.  But he was my second place gift.  The gift I got because first place didn't work out.  And now it really didn't work out.  I so very much wanted first place.  I just wanted a baby of my own.  

He's not a bad dog.  I don't blame him for any of it, the infertility and miscarriage were not his fault.  And I surely don't abuse him.  However, I feel like I haven't been able to 100% bound with him because of this.  

I wonder if this was a one time miscarriage.  I just happened to fall into the percentage that naturally miscarries.  Or if what they say about how many women miscarry their first is true.  That the body just doesn't know what to do the first time.  But then what if I fall victim to RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss).  I don't think I could go through this over and over again like some women.

I know many people have it much easier than myself.  But I also know there are a lot of people out there that have it way worse.  I try to tell myself that when I'm feeling down and remind myself of what I do have.  I tell myself maybe that baby wasn't the right baby for me.  Even thought I very much so wanted it, maybe there is a better baby out there for me.  One that turns out to be super smart.  Or maybe boy-girl twins like I want (not greedy though).  Even after the doctor said there was something wrong I immediately though "well fix it".  It doesn't work that way with a fetus smaller than a flax seed.    Bean even questions how we would have been able to deal with a child born with severe mental or physical problems.

6 Months

Many days a week I still wonder what I could have done better in those early weeks of pregnancy so my baby could still be alive.  But really there are women that smoke, drink and do drugs during pregnancy.  And I keep going over the fact that 800mg of folic acid wasn't enough, or the fish sandwich I had once had mercury in it, or drinking a can of soda every so often was too much.  Maybe those things killed my baby.  Then I realize those thoughts are ridiculous. 

I'm trying to make myself feel better on this Mother's Day.  I admit often I do start crying silently.  Tear running down my face and then I fall to the floor.  I lean up against a wall or cabinet curled up in a ball crying.  This goes on for 5 or 10 minutes.  Then I get up off the floor and go on with my day.

Today I am hanging out with Loki all day (though I do most days anyways) and I will hug him over and over again.  I might not have the baby I dream of but I have to remind myself that I do at least have him.

-Selbe

Behind the Glass

I think I'm going to have to be induced with Provera again.  It's a little upsetting.  The side effects are not the bad for me.  It's frustrating that I have to keep coming back to it.  I took it last April, then July, August and March.  I have extra here that I could take right now, but I'm saving it and holding off.  With my next RE appointment two weeks away they'll probably want to run more tests on me.  If I take the Provera now and it works quickly (probably not) then I could miss the specific testing days and have to wait another cycle for testing.  I'll just tough it out.  I'm about CD41 today and my cervix goes hard to soft over and over again.  My menstrual cramps are gone.  It seems so odd to have them so strong, then nothing.

I've been looking online for information about this doctor's office.  They seem to like to start women on Clomid before going to injectables, even if she has had no success on it before.  I did five rounds of Clomid last year, however I was never monitored via ultrasound.  Because there was no monitoring there was also no trigger shot.  With my past of not ovulated on Clomid 150mg, Dr. H wanted to get rid of Clomid all together and move me to Gonal-f (injectable) and Ovidrel (trigger).  I'm not sure that the new doctor will have the same opinion.  Clomid is not the worst thing in the world.  The side effects are not ideal, and it's not a needle.  It's just kind of territory that was already covered.  

I had a dream the other night about not being able to get the needles into my skin.  Ether my skin was leather or the needle was dull.  I just kept stabling myself over and over again in the stomach.

Attempt at Running

I went running today for the first time even pretty much.  I had a gym membership back in NH.  It's a chain gym so they are all over the US, except here.  I tried looking into a different gym here but so far the only one I like is double the price I was paying before.  This gym does have classes and other benefits that my old one didn't so I'm sure it's worth the extra money.  I just haven't come to terms with spending it yet.  I'm told I can get a free membership to the YMCA but it's a few towns over.  And an extra 10 minutes of driving time is probably going to used as an excuse for not going at all.  

I decided since I am new here and haven't seen much of the town that I'd just walk around and see it all by foot.  Which lead to running.  I'm not much of a runner.  I refer to myself as the fat kid.  I'm slow and have no coordination.  I'll see where it takes me.  My back and legs already hurt so that's good.

Still Standing

A couple people in the last few days have directed me over to Still Standing Magazine.  It's a new website launched this month about infertility and loss (pregnancy or infant).  I added myself to their monthly blog list.  They don't have too much on there yet but it does have promise. 

Behind the Glass

I did see this article, No Mother’s Day For Me, on Still Standing that mentioned Mother's Day is like sitting outside a candy store and watching everyone inside have fun.

This is interesting because I always describe it as similar.  I feel like I'm in grade school and everyone is allowed to go out for recess, but not me.  I got in trouble or didn't do my homework or something.  I have to stay inside.  Sitting next to the window I look out all my friends running around and having fun.  I wish I could be out there with them except I did something wrong and have to complete my punishment.

  

Only thing now I'm all grown up.  I'm infertile and still standing behind the window watching everyone have fun, smiling.  They are all so happy.  I can't figure out what I must have done wrong this time, what the cause of my punishment is.  How I can make it up?

I'm stuck behind the glass.  I can't find a way to the other side.  I sometimes pound on it, very few people hear me.  I am alone with tears running down my face.  Every once and awhile there is some hope, but it doesn't stay for long.

I feel like everyone I know is given something I want so much so easily.  It's just handed to them with little or no effort, sometimes they didn't even want it to begin with.  They go along with their pregnancies with little or no complications.  Their baby is perfectly healthy.   It's not like the car we want with all the features.  Or the new TV.  The want is something different.  We try and try and try, over and over again with so much hope.  Month after month, year after year.  Just hoping if this herbal tea, different drug or break from it all together works.  Then a miracle happens.  Only to find out the heart stopped, we go into labour early or the our baby is born stillborn.  We are left with nothing again.

This Mother's Day I will be behind the glass just like many other women struggling with infertility and the loss the their baby.  I will be alone and probably will not talk to anyone that day.  I will not be getting a handmade card, flower or chocolates.  Or even be getting a "Happy Mother's Day-to Be".  My child is no longer alive.  I would have been 25 weeks, 1 day on Sunday.  Any effort I have ever made at being a mother means nothing.  I will be forgotten, my baby will be forgotten.

“Happy Mother's Day”

It comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,

for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she works hard for just a chance,

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,

and yet she still has hope;

everyday is another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

- Saw this on a forum yesterday

-Selbe

The Things People Say

Pap Smear

Myself, because I don't
post many photos of me.

I have another appointment on the 17th (I think) for a basic pap smear.  It's with my primary doctor (PCM) because my insurance doesn't let me see a OBGYN for that.  Pap smears are easy for me, especially after everything else I've had done.  It's the PCM part that scares me.  The last one didn't know what she was doing, couldn't find my cervix (yeah, I know) and ended up shoving her fingers into it.  You'd figure because the doctor is a women and had those parts that she'd know what gentle means.

Me:  "I have really bad menstrual cramps."

Female Dr: "Yeah that's normal."

Me:  "No, they are REALLY bad."

Female Dr:  "Yup, normal."

Me:  "I haven't gotten my period in three months."

Female Dr: "Normal."

Me:  "I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME."

They also don't listen.  I like male doctors better. 

Shaking My Head

Sometimes people send me message or post comments on Facebook that all I can do is shake my head.  I thought I'd bundle up a few of them to share.

Example 1

Example 1 sent me a Facebook message congratulating on my pregnancy, four month AFTER my miscarriage.  Thanks but yeah... She saw my ultrasound photos from January, the ones that mention D&C and where everyone commented saying they were sorry.  

Example 2

Example 2 was a comment from a family friend.  I'm not sure if she is talking about OPKs, saliva ferning or she's just confused.  Probably the last one.  I'm going to assume OPKs.  I've used them once or twice (ha!).  See there is something called PCOS.  My ovaries do pretty much fucking nothing every day of their life.  It doesn't matter how many of those strips I piss on, if I don't ovulate there is no "right time".  No eggs, no babies.  Got it?  Taking away "pop" might work.  We don't normally have "bears" walking around unless you count the dog, good there.  No alcohol would probably help.  Tight underwear, ha!  I make sure there are no tighty whities in this house!  I wonder how long someone has to trying to believe these little "tips" really work.  Two, maybe three, months?

Example 3

Example 3 was left on this post for me.  So I generally blog about my our infertility and pregnancy loss.  I'm sorry I couldn't make it sound happier.  It's not really a happy topic to talk about.

• "Yes!  More nausea today.  All this throwing up is going to make me lose weight."
• "The rage from these fertility drugs is great.  I love telling people what I really think of them."
• "I love throw and destroy things during rage, it shows the durablity of items.  Except this calendar.  I didn't really like those landscape scenes anyways."
• "Transvaginal utlrasound today!  It's like using a dildo that doesn't move?"
• "More bloodwork = awesome bandaid wrap thing!"
• "So glad my baby's heart stopped, now I don't have to be pregnant in the summer."
• "I didn't want a January baby anyways."
• "I love that fertility treatment costs so much.  I mean what else could I spend me money on?"
• "Welfare is great because it's like a have millions of kids that I pay for, but I don't ever have to deal with their crying!"

There you go.  There is your positive blog of an infertile women who lost her baby.  

-Selbe

Happy Mother's Day

I saw this on another blog today, International Bereaved Mothers Day.

Like most infertile women I hate Mother's day.  It's the fact that I want to be a mother but can't, then watching everything else celebrate it.  People put moms to a high pedestal like some sort of god you need to shower with material gifts.

What if there was a Mommy Pet Owners Day?  For my ferrets in the last 24 hours I gave them food, water and treats.  I wiped their cage down with Wet Ones and emptied and refilled two litter boxed full of shit and piss.  For my puppy in the last 24 hours I brought him to the dog park where he got diarrhea and pooped all down his fur.  I brought him home with poopy all over his butt since I didn't have anything to clean it.  Later I had to wipe and brush the poop out of him while he ran away in fear of the whole process.  He has also been feed.  I picked up his toys only to find them scattered all over again.  I got woken up several times this morning thanks to him making noise.  And I picked up all the dog poop around the yard. Even though I did all that a Mommy Pet Owners Day sounds silly.  I am just doing basic care and I knew what I was in for when I got them.  I don't need flowers or a card says I'm an amazing pet owners for wiping my six month old puppy's butt.  Just promise not to destroy my house too much and have Daddy Pet Owner buy me a milkshake every once and awhile.

Even when I become a Mother I don't expect to celebrate it.  Especially not now.  Not after these last few years of infertility, not after losing my baby.  Any couple can become parents (except infertile ones), it doesn't take many brain cells.  However, it's not always guaranteed they'll be good parents.  Just because someone figured out that vagina + penis = baby, or forgot to use a condom doesn't mean they need to be celebrated.  

After infertility, waiting years, injections, drugs with horrible side effects, procedures, surgery, and losing our babies on Mother's Day we are thrown to the side and forgotten.  No one ever sends a card to a women who has had another failed fertility treatment.  No one ever sends flowers to a women on Mother's Day remembering her stillborn or miscarriage baby.  The world shuts our sadness out.  

I don't know when Mother's Day is this year, nor do I really care.  What I would love is for infertility and pregnancy loss to be not so taboo.  

I'm sure they'll be another post about Mother's Day whenever Facebook alerts me that it is here.

For now, those that have lost their baby at 5 weeks, 11 weeks, 18 weeks, 24 weeks or 40 weeks, or if you are just struggling with infertility, I'm sorry, and I wish I could send flowers to each one of you.  Happy Mother's Day to you!


Links

If you have lost a baby in the past you might want to check out Christian's Beach to have your little ones name written in the sand off this beautiful beach in AU.

-Selbe

Way More Cramping

I might get my period soon.  There is a lot of cramping down there, all yesterday and now today too.  No spotting though.  

Someday my nausea is better, others days it is worse.  I threw up yesterday.  I took a HPT this morning thinking *maybe* it was morning sickness.  Nope!  I have to avoid certain foods, they make me sick just looking at them.  That or I can only have a few bites.  Salad is one of the few things I can tolerate.

I don't really care anymore about AF coming or not.  I've given up and am now just waiting for my next RE appointment.  I can't continue being unmonitored, I need the ultrasounds done to see if/when I'm ovulating.  I can't take anymore OPKs, or BBT, saliva ferning, Ovacue, checking my cervix or whatever other type of ovulating prediction I have used.  I've learned none are 100% and I'm just fed up with the wasted time (and money) on them.

Whoever said someone is more fertile after a miscarriage or that they'll get pregnant again within three months of it is full of BS.  There are no "super fertile" powers here.  I haven't even ovulated since my D&C three months ago.  I've only gotten my period once and only because of Provera.  All this uterus does it cramp.  I'm very happy to start the big boys (AKA injectables) and move on to better things. 

---

My puppy isn't allowed upstairs, which is where the bedrooms are.  He has pee issues with carpet.  Loki is six month old now.  He was good in NH the last couple months, and at all the hotels on the way to WA.  However, our first night in WA is peed on the carpet so Bean no longer lets him upstairs.  We don't have a baby gate up to prevent him from going up the stairs, we just tell him "no" each time he tried to climb them and he turns around and goes back down.  The other morning I got out of bed to use the bathroom and I quickly looked out the crack in the bedroom door to see Loki sleeping right outside in the hallway.  He must of climbed the stairs and fell asleep there sometime in the night.  However, he didn't pee on the carpet so I was OK with it.

Bean is gone for the next couple weeks for schooling in VA.  I brought him to the airport on Friday morning.

Last night was my first night sleeping alone since we've been in the new house.  I left Loki sleeping downstairs like I do every night and went to bed.  I woke up this morning and opened my eyes to see THERE IS A DOG IN MY BED!  I tried to move away from him but he kept scooting closer to me.  Cute but it kind of freaked me out at first seeing him there.  I'm a light sleeper and thought I'd hear or fell him get into bed with me.  I have no idea how long he was snuggling with me.

---

I look a lot of photos during my trip.  I thought maybe I'd share them attraction-by-attraction.

Gettysburg National Military Park - Straban Township, PA

Flowers in Bloom

Loki in the Car

Bean & Loki

Down the Tower

-Selbe

Love April Already

CD1, at least I think right now.

After getting pregnant in December, miscarrying, having a D&C, waiting two months, being induced with Provera and having a Hysteroscopy, I've finally got my period.  Well heavy spotting.  

Yes I'm actually excited for AF.  I've waiting too long and just want to TTC again.  

My uterus hurts, it's ok though.  I don't mind.  Bittersweet, like an infertile getting pregnant and having morning sickness.  Bean and I took the dog for a long walk this morning to try and get it to drop more.  

I am VERY excited for this upcoming cycle.  And Bean will be home every day of it.

Lots of Cramps

I'm not sure if my current cramping is from my surgery last week or a Provera induced period that is on it's way.  My days off I'm fine.  But if I'm at work standing all day then it hurts.  It hurts to put pressure on it too.  And I feel pulling or movement like when I was pregnant.  Yet my body doesn't do anything else!

It was way easier to stay pregnant.  That's what I concluded after a bunch of blood work and two surgeries.  And feeling like my uterus might fall out.  I don't blame it though, I'd run away too after everything I've put it through.  

I ended up crying to the dog last night, and telling him what a miserable failure I am because I can't carry a baby for 40 weeks.  Seems like everyone else has figured it out just fine.  This was the first time in a long while I cried about my miscarriage.  

Maybe I'm having some form of PMS.  I've been moody and depressed the last couple days.  And my acne hasn't been this bad in a long time.

Being Happy For Pregnant Women

I went to work today and worked a 8.5 hour shift.  I thought about not going in at all.  My back hurt from working late the night before, I was tired, and still nauseous.  But I sucked it up.  

I mentioned my 19-year-old co-worker that accidentally got pregnant.  She is 20-ish weeks along now.  It just kind of upsets me that my baby was planned and took a lot of trying, only for it to die.  I see her and the healthy  baby bump everyday.  It's very hard to look at her some days.  Or hear other co-workers talking about the baby.  She calls out A LOT... for being pregnant.  I've never made it past 10 weeks, my input and experience doesn't count much.  But I think of all the times I went to work during my miscarriage, and then returning back the day after my D&C.  I sucked it up and showed up.  Pregnancy is not an excuse!  Nor is a miscarriage.  It was my own fault for getting pregnant, I wanted it.  Even during my miscarriage I was called in to cover her ass. Doesn't it seem odd that I'm the one in the middle of losing my baby, and I'm having to cover for someone who got pregnant on accident.  I don't blame the company, I chose to go in and get on with my life.  It seems ironic.  

During my long shift today I realized I wish was I was more happy for those that are pregnant around me.  Sometimes it's hard to show that I'm happy for someone that has gotten something I want so easy.  (Other infertile women I am much more tolerant of.)  I understand it's a happy time in their life, it'd be a happy time in my life too.  If I was them.  It's hard to be ecstatic for someone when all you feel is pain inside.  I wish I could see it from their eyes.  That's a new goal, although I think an unrealistic one.  I've been infertile for too long.  

I wish I could see the happiness and not pain.

I am happy for them deep down, even though most of the time I don't show it.  But I also very sad for myself.  I wish God (or narwhal god) would make them wait a month or two longer, and give myself or another infertile a chance.  But this isn't pick a number like at the local deli.  It's not first-come, first-served.  It's more like a gamble.  Sometimes we are hanging out at the deli for way too long waiting for our turkey.  Only to watch person after person cut in line and get served.  The only thing we can do is stand off to the side, because saying something is socially unacceptable.  Our biggest fear: we finally do get up there and there is no turkey, or ham or yummy cheddar cheese left.  There is nothing left for us.

I wish I was better at throwing on a face smile and saying "congrats".  

Please pray to narwhal god that my next cycle (April) shows happiness again.

-Selbe

Provera #4

Good Luck State

This area is bad luck.

I didn't grow up around here.  People often ask me if I like living here.  I fucking hate it.  I don't mind the area so much, it's just that everything I touch turns to shit.  Something always goes horribly wrong.  At first I wanted to "fix" it, then realized there was no way.  I thought I'd list the bad things that have happened.

Bad:

1. I lost a lot of friends.  I moved here with a few good friends.  Something happened with one of them (that wasn't my fault) and I ended up losing the whole group of them.  They came around eventually so that was good.  But I spend a lot of time alone for awhile.  - Aug. '10
2. My husband's best friend attacked me.  I was never the same after that. - Sept. '10
3. My mum came to visit.  About 30 minutes after picking her up she fell down my stairs and broke her arm.  She ended up having to spend the night in the hospital. - Sept. '10
4. My husband missed our first anniversary and bought me a really nice camera lens to make up for it.  My Pell Grant for school decided to drop me and I had to sell the lens to make up the money. - Sept. '10
5. My ferret Munchlet got diagnosed with terminal cancer and needs surgery. - Oct. '10
6. Munchlet's surgery got canceled because he has an enlarged heart. - Dec. '10
7. I got food poisoning on Christmas day and Bean ended up having to take me to the ER. - Dec. '10
8. I cried for the first time over a negative pregnancy test. - Dec. '10
9. I got told I'm infertile. - Dec. '10
10. My husband's asshole of a friend (see #2) ruined a holiday party of me by spilling beer all over my clothes.  - Jan. '11
11. I have really bad allergies and require shots each week. - Mar. '11
12. Some asshole totaled my favorite car. - Apr. '11
13. My new car gives me tons of problems. - May '11
14. My fertility drugs stop working, for the third time. - Aug. '11
15. A really painful HSG requires Lap surgery. - Sept. '11
16. Stinker dies. - Nov. '11
17. The heartbeat on my first child stops and I need D&C surgery. - Jan. '12
18. I put Munchlet to sleep. - Feb. '12
19. D&C then requires a Hysteroscopy surgery. - Mar. '12

And then the good so I don't seem like such a pessimist.

Good:

1. I got a new couch. - Oct. '10
2. I got a new OBGYN.  - Mar. '11
3. I got a new car.  Thanks to #11 totaling it. - Apr. '11
4. Bean got a new car.  - Jun. '11
5. I got a new job and love the people I work with. - Jun. '11
6. I got a new RE.  (See #13) - Aug. '11
7. I got a dog named Loki. - Dec. '11
8. I got pregnant for the first time with a herbal drug.  (Then see #16) - Dec. '11
9. I trading my car in and dyed my hair blue thank to #16. - Jan. '12

Good Luck Necklace I Got

So outside of the materialist items I'm going to say my experience living here has been pretty crappy.  I've lost my health, my pets, and my child.  You can't simply replace those with a trip to the store.  I like my local friends around here.  But I am very happy to be leaving.  I feel like everything that could go wrong has here.  I don't know of anyways to fix it besides just getting up and leaving.

I still feel like crap!

My stomach hurts to much, usually in the morning or at night.  On an empty stomach or full one. Sometimes I just want to throw up and get everything else. This is like the two week wait symptoms I had for my pregnancy in December, but worse.  But the RE said pregnancy would be impossible since ovulation never happened at 0.5 progesterone.   I envy every preggo with morning sickness right now, least they are getting something out of it.  And the boobs still hurt.

-Selbe

Provera #3

Feeling Pregnant

Sometimes I still feel pregnant.

Dumb, I know.  I don't know if it is because I might be in my two week wait (I don't know for sure), or my progesterone is higher than normal, or that since I have been pregnant before I now know the symptoms to look for.  Maybe even making up those symptoms.

Like today for example.  I keep getting nauseous.  I eat and it goes away, but an hour later it returns.  I had a Luna bar for breakfast.  I started getting nauseous and was starving by first break at work, so I had my Greek yogurt and flax seeds (what was supposed to be my lunch).  Nauseous and starving again, for lunch I went and bought food.  By break two, same story.  I finished my lunch then.  Same thing when it was time to go home.  Then I thought the last time I got these short bouts of nausea was right before I found out I was pregnant, and didn't know what it was yet.  Come to think about it I was starving then too.  My stupid mind things maybe I am pregnant?

I quickly push that thought aside.  

 BFN (negative) after miscarriage

Same goes for the pregnancy tests.  Even though my beta was <5 last week sometimes I swear I still see a faint double line.  I have to be going insane.  That or my test are super sensitive.  Or now that I know where the second line is supposed to be I imagine it there.  

Or squishing my boob because I think they might be sore when moved a certain way.

The most practical answer is I'm a crazy infertile and probably making things up hoping to look for a way I might be pregnant.  

Fucking crazy...

Have any of you post-miscarriage women done the same thing?

And I'm nauseous again...

My body is exhausted from work.  I just worked the last six days in a row, 42 hours total.  I want to sleep forever.  And my back is killing me.  Today starts my weekend though and I'm happy for that.

My pre-op appointment is Thursday for my surgery.  I might mention to the RE the ovulation type pain I had last week and "accidentally" having sex twice around that time (nothing is a fucking accident in infertility).  Maybe get him to do a progesterone test on me Friday to see where my levels are.  The surgery can't be done on someone who is pregnant, it will kill the baby.  You're supposed to use protection CD1 and on to prevent against pregnancy.  Well I never had a CD1 after my D&C, so yeah, no protection was used.

The menstrual cramps I was having have gone away.  I thought they were going to be the start of AF, my first period since my D&C (it's been almost 7 weeks!)  It got worse and worse, then went away.  Fucking cock tease.  Well never mind there.

-Selbe

Five Stages of Loss - Month Two

Source

The five stages of loss, for two months after my miscarriage. 

1. Denial & Isolation - Denial, none.  It happened.  I still feel like a distance myself from those around me.  I really do try though.  This is my last month in this area and probably the last time I'll see many of my military friends.  So I do try to get out there for the last get togethers.  I know once I move I won't have that many friends for awhile, being new and all.

2. Anger - I feel much more calm now.  I'm still sad it happened, I wish my baby didn't have to die.  But I'm also not extremely angry at other pregnant women.  Every once and awhile I make a hateful remark but I feel less bitter overall than after my miscarriage and some days before I even got pregnant.  

3. Bargaining - None, again what am I even going to bargain for?  It's already done.

4. Depression - I still get out of bed every day.  I still go to work.  I still come home and feed and take care of the pets.  My miscarriage isn't affecting my day to day life.  I don't feel like I am depressed.  Sure I am sad.  Anyone who would say it wasn't a sad experience is a heartless bitch.  

5. Acceptance - I have accepted.

I have improved since last month.

Not caring about trying for a baby again has helped me heal.

Right after my miscarriage I wanted to try again and get pregnant again as soon as possible.  Then a couple posts back I mentioned I didn't care for TTC much anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I still want children and all.  However, the TTC effort has decreased a lot.  I am almost even afraid to get pregnant again.  Being pregnant doesn't mean 40 weeks and I bring a healthy baby home from the hospital, least not for me anymore.  Seeing those double lines automatically makes me think I'm going to relive this experience.  At any one of those ultrasounds my baby will now be dead, that I will have to go through a D&C and all the other testing I've had since.  Pregnancy will now never be the same for me.

This not really caring attitude has helped me a lot.  I almost asked a pregnant women at work when her due date was.  Then decided that was pushing it for me.  Another guest came to me with a container of those gummy prenatals vitamins.  I mentioned how much I love them (they really are good, I could eat the whole container in one sitting).  She told me they're good but she couldn't really take them 'til the afternoon, because "you know why".  I looked at her confused, I can take mine in the morning, night, whenever.  Sometimes several times a day.  Then I realized she actually takes them for pregnancy.  Odd that.  Then said my baby had died (bringing out the happy train) and that they have extra folic acid (good to take any time).  I didn't ask her due date ether.  She wasn't showing so it was probably close or after mine.  

Hearing about women that are close to my due date upsets me.

I overheard another conversation with a women saying her due date was August 26th, a day after mine.  Those are the ones I fear the most.  The ones due right around the same time as I was.  I'd be close to 17 weeks right now.  Wow that's a big number.  I would be finding out the sex soon.  I'd have a baby belly soon, if I didn't already.  I would have already bought maternity clothes.  I'd start feeling my baby move.  My pregnancy would be almost half over.  That's where I could have been.  That's not where I am though.  I need to let it go.  Sometimes it is hard though, seeing where I could have been put right in my face.  Sometimes by people that are ignorant and don't realize how lucky they have it.

My dizziness is getting better.

My pregnancy bloody nose has stopped, along with my dizziness.  I've been sick so I think my constant snotty nose as kept it from drying out.  Last week my ENT gave me stuff to lubricate (?) the inside of my nose to help.  I didn't think I would need it since it seems to be healed.  Until yesterday, it started bleeding again.  Shit.  Hopefully the dizziness won't come back with it.  So far all I've had is nausea this week.  And my blood pressure has dropped to 110/70 (it was kind of high the few weeks after the D&C).

-Selbe