Anger

I returned back to work Thursday, Bean on Wednesday.  I'd rather be at work, although there are some things that do upset me.  If not working then I'm just sitting on the couch or laying in bed.  That really doesn't help ether.

People keep asking me how I'm doing.   Honestly how would you be doing in my position?  I'm pissed, I'm angry.  I'm angry at other fertiles, at God, at myself.

Fertilies

I'm upset at couples that can get pregnant so easy.  The ones that try for 2 or 3 months or have just gotten off birth control.  Or the ones that get PG on accident.  Or the ones that get PG on accident while ON birth control (how does that even fucking happen?)  

I've been to the hospital for so many times this year for those that have had healthy babies.  We tried so long, so much.  Finally we got our dream only to have it taken away so soon.  I just happened to be in the small percentage of women this happens to.  A case of bad luck yet again.  Why do I feel like I'm the only one?  I know this isn't that uncommon, this happens to many women.  But yet I feel like I'm the only one to leave the hospital without a baby.  

Before complaining how crappy your pregnancy symptoms are or how horrible your child is, think of all the infertile women.  They would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  

The other day saw someone post on Facebook that they are upset they are not PG yet and would even take a miscarriage right now.  You want to take my life over and see your baby die?  Go right for it.  I'll give you this crappy situation.  Enjoy!

I don't know what's worse.  Getting PG and then losing your baby, or not getting PG at all.  I'm going to go with losing the baby.

God

For the infertile community I usually see one belief in God or the other.  1.  Those that believe God has a way for them and if they pray enough they will get it.  2.  Those that have seen so many bad things happen that they no longer believe said God exists.  I grew up learning God brings good things to those that deserve it and pray.  But what about bad things?  Does God also bring bad things to those that deserve it?  Does something else bring bad things?  Do bad things just come out of nowhere unlike good things?  I've seen a lot of bad things now, abuse and infertility to name a few.  Why does God give those that are clearly unfit to be parent a child?  (story of Caylee Anthony)  Why does he give those that are unwed (a sin) a child?  Why does he let people that are going to suck off welfare have unlimited children?  Why does he deny that to couples that are married, have amazing families and homes?  The anwser is simple.  1.  There is no God.  or 2. God does not control who gets good and bad.  Life is not fair.  If there was a being up there deciding who gets good and bad then life would be fair.  Shithole parents would become infertile and the infertiles would be given the amazing gift of life. However, it doesn't work that way. 

Myself

I'm angry I got myself so happy about the pregnancy.  I'm angry I had so much hope in it.  Maybe I didn't take enough folic acid?  Maybe 800mcg wasn't good enough for me?  (I literally went shopping for MORE folic acid supplements today.  Bean asked how much I need and I told him "more than I have now.")  I'm upset I can't be naive and enjoy a pregnancy without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong.  The ectopic, the miscarriage, my cervix falling.  I'll find something else once I'm cleared safe of all those.  I'm upset I know too much.  

And I'm also angry at my 18 year old unmarried co-worker than opps got pregnant.  I'm sorry I'm not all happy and hugs.  I am a bitch, I am angry.  The baby that took me 1.5 years to make is dying.  If you are pregnant then don't bother talking to me (unless you've been though the same things I have).  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to listen to the complaining.  I don't want to hear how horrible your life is.  Just let me be in my own bubble and looking out the window.  I'll come around someday, but it won't be today, or tomorrow, or even next week.  This goes for everyone who is pregnant.

My few days back at work have been alright.  I'm still kind of out of it.  I'm sure I spend a lot of time staring off into space.  Bean took me shopping last week and I randomly started walking away from him when he was looking at something on a shelve.  He found me half the store away looking at something.  He asked me what I was looking at and I told him "I don't know."  I really don't know.  I just wanted to walk.  I'm there but sometimes my mind isn't.

The hardest was today at work.  I had a few ladies buying tons of baby stuff for their grandchildren (guessing by their ages).  They were so excited and proud for their babies.  Makes me think of my own family.  Sometimes I feel like I never do anything right, my father is never proud of me.  And my mum is just too out of it in general.  I wonder what that's like to have someone proud of you.  But I will never know, least not with this baby.  Because I feel like I fucked up again.  

I keep getting dizzy.  Not sure if this is part of a miscarriage or my ears are messing with me.  I wrote a note with a short description of my medical problem and put it in the pocket.  I figure if I pass out or am in too much pain then someone will know what to do with me.

I got asked by a few people if I'm scared for my D&C on Thursday.  Odd enough both Bean and I are excited for it!  I was never really scared for my lap surgery last October ether, just more what they could find wrong with me since they were going in with the intent of finding something.  But the actually surgery, the IVs, being put out, waking up in pain later really doesn't concern me at all.  And this time they are not digging for something wrong.  Whenever I'm told I need another procedure, LEEP, HSG, lap surgery, the D&C now, at first I do feel sorry for myself.  Then I read a lot online, especially seeing many other women go though the same thing, and just tell myself they are routine procedures or something.  I don't feel bad anymore and then somehow assume EVERY women has them done.  Until I met someone one day that is in fear of something stupid like an abnormal pap smear or simple IV and think they are a little bitch.  Not sure if this helps the situation at all.  Haha.  Anyways we are excited for the D&C and chance to move on for baby #2.  

At the store tonight I saw this toy.  Bean told me it's a baby toy.  I told him I found it in the dog aisle, and it says "pet" on it.  It's for puppies.  Then talked him into buying it.  Toys like this are for pet owners who don't have children.  Especially those that are infertile and have replaced the dog as a child.  We buy toys like this, and the Kong Puppy Binkie, so we feel semi better about the lack of child we don't have.  Dear dog, please wait at least a week before ripping its wings off.

I went on a beauty supply shopping spree the other night.  It made me feel semi better.  Today I made an appointment to get my hair done next week.

-Selbe