Family

I've decided to talk about my own family.  They are part of the reason I want my own child and why I want to be a great mother to him/her.

I hate going to social outings and listening to people talk about how great their family is.  It's almost as bad as the pregnancy and newborn baby talk.  I don't have much to say in response besides "that's nice".  It's hard to me to describe my family with the same happiness.

Let's say I didn't have the worst life ever.  There are a lot of other people who've have/had it worse.

I'm an only child.  My parents had me when they were in their mid-to-late 30's.  Not sure why I was an only child, if that was their choice or they couldn't have anymore.

I'm unsure of my father most of the time.  Sometimes he is like a normal father and caring.  But through my life he has always been verbally and sometimes physical abusive.  He has a short temper, after losing it he can say some horrible things.  Those things have always stuck with me, whether they are true or not, they've hurt my self confidence.  This type of verbal abuse even continues today and is one of the reasons I don't return home that often.  Over my life I've tried to stop it, ether with talking to him or fixing myself to what he wanted from the "perfect daughter".  But you can't fix other people.

My mum is a different story.  She's been in and out of the hospitals since I was a child.  I never understood why.  My parents divorced when I was 11.  My mum took off running and I stayed with my father.  I saw her from time to time but it was never enough and I was never close to her again.  I raised myself after that, pretty much everything I taught myself or Googled.   Being an adolescent girl without a mother really sucks.

She has schizophrenia.  She's never coming back mentally, never.  I've included her in several important events of my life but she is never "there" or supportive like I wished from a mother.  She's now in assisted living.  I blame her for my fertility problems but that will be another post someday.

My father's side of the family is small.  I have two older cousins but nether are married or have children.  We are of German/English ancestry with a few migrating to Canada.  My mum's side of the family is huge.  Unfortunately the last time she took me to see them I was 5. I don't know them all that well.

I'm much closer to my husband's side of the family.  However, they are spread all over the country.  I have an older/younger brother-in-law (older to me, younger to my husband) who isn't married yet.

You can't fix the past.  You can only fix the future.  I promise to be a great mother to my future child.  I will be there for them.  Teach them.  And never abandon them.  I never want them to feel the pain I did.

I am very excited to make things right for my own child.  My own child will be perfect to me.

CD11