Miscarriage Tattoo

I was confident the whole way there, even texting with a friend that this was the absolute best decision. I got out of the car and went in to sit on a stool to wait for my appointment.  Then I started to look around.  Thoughts filled my head.  "Look at all these people with tons of tattoos going down their arms.  My arms, legs, back, wherever, were still white and untouched.  I'm not a biker."  This is permanent.  The thought crossed my mind that I could stand up right then and walk out, I don't have to do this.  No one was forcing me to be there.

The guy doing my tattoo came over and showed me the drawing he did from the photos I brought in last week.  Prefect!  I did have it sized a little smaller.

We put the sketch on the stomach but it wasn't in the correct place so I had it moved over a bit.  I then climbed up on the bed.

When I think of getting a tattoo I didn't think of the pain that accompanies.  Look at all the medical things I've had done, pain doesn't seem to phase me.  But I feared the fact it's irreversible.  I reminded myself I just didn't decide today to be spontaneous and get a tattoo.  Or just walk in and look through the binder of ideas like I saw others do.  I've had this idea for over six months now.  It's not a silly tattoo you regret later in life when you grow up.  It's not in a location where I need to cover it up on a daily basis to work.  And if all else fails it is pretty small so for whatever reason it need to be removed someday it will not take much.

The tattoo needle was more painful than I expected.  But not enough to make him stop.  Some areas of my skin (lower part of the tattoo) were more sensitive than others.  After laying there for awhile the pain became less, or I just got used to it.  The tattoo took much less time than I thought to complete, only 30 minutes.

I was done and then told to hop up and check it out in the mirror.  This was it.  What had I done?  What if it looks horrible?

I love it!

I was told how to take care of it.  Clean it, don't wrap it, put A&D on it, etc.  So far it has been fine.  The area still hurts from the needles but not too bad.

This needed to be everlasting.  I did the balloon release.  I thought of planting a tree or garden but that's not for me.  I looked at miscarriage jewelry on Etsy, although very nice it still didn't seem like enough.

A few people in the past have asked me why my miscarriage or miscarriages in general happen.  Some people have alluded it to something the mother might have done to cause such a thing.  Though true some of the time, but not always.  One person mentioned a month or so ago that they knew someone who miscarried because they ate a lot of junk food.  Well I don't know if anyone realized this for not but most pregnancy craving are not for salads.  I used to eat the pretzels and cheese at the Target Cafe several times a week.  They were amazing, even though I completely ignored them the first six months working near there, and never ate another one after my D&E.  I know many women who eat tons of junk food and fast food and still have healthy babies.  And then there is the all organic, anti-feta cheese, anti-deli meat, anti-a bunch of other BS, group that loses their baby.

I like to think of it as the lottery system.  I'm not sure the percentage of pregnancies that end is miscarriage.  It kind of depends of several factors.  But I've seen 15-40%.  Let's use 25% today.  So God (or the Narwals, or whatever you believe in) takes 100 women.  He doesn't give a fuck if they got pregnant from a one-night stand at a bar with no idea the father's name, or have been doing fertility treatment for years.  He doesn't care if this is your miracle baby or if you have an appointment at Planned Parenthood next week for an abortion.  Out of these 100 embryos he needs to kill 25 of them.  Unfortunately your number comes up and your miracle baby is no longer a miracle.   Better luck next time.  There are problems that do cause repeat miscarriages and need to be addressed, but for the most part it is just bad luck.

I wish I could blame my baby's death on something.  But I know it's not all the pretzels I ate to work.  I could go into great detail about chromosomal abnormalities but that will put some to sleep.  But the simple explanation:  I had a miscarriage due to bad luck.

-Selbe

The Due Date

For months I dreaded my upcoming due date for my miscarriage.  But the day went fine without any tears.  Ever since I started spotting this cycle I began crying.  You are not out 'til AF is in full force so a little spotting could be implantation bleeding.  However, I still prepared myself for the worst.  It was a cry fest with all the typical first IUI feelings of why didn't it work mixed with sadness of why I miscarried.  I always thought of that baby as a miracle with it being an unmedicated cycle and I found out a week before Christmas.  Time went on and I haven't gotten PG since so I still see that as my miracle baby.  I've never been given anything different.  Often I wonder if that is it for me.  Was that my one and only child?  That's why I celebrate that baby more than other women that had a miscarriage after an opps PG or short time TTC.

I am grateful for all the friends that wrote on my Facebook wall Saturday.  I didn't expect so many people to remember.  Well I think FB kind of posts it with those whole Life Events things.  Ether way I was pleased.  No family said anything though, which always kind of hurts.  They don't really understand me or anything I'm going through.  I know once I get PG again they'll be happy and congratulate me.  But what about now?  What about this baby?

I got balloons the day before for a balloon release.  It's part of my fault I didn't get the special chemicals put into them because they didn't last long at all.  Next morning they were laying on my living room floor.  Great!  I took Loki to the dog park and picked up another balloon on the way home.

The balloon went up in the air with no tears.

That night I got on the ferry to Seattle and photographed the new Great Wheel ferris wheel.  

While riding over I listened to an Air Forces vet tell his whole live story about almost dying twice, his military days, and how he adopted two children from Vietnam.  They were visiting from Florida but killing a couple days in Seattle before going on a cruise to Alaska.  At the end of all this he asked, "What can you do with what you've got?"  

-Selbe

IUI Canceled

Source

IUI 1.0 got canceled today.  My lining grew, I was at 6.5 this morning.  But my 10mm follicle from the Tuesday was still 10mm this morning.  They don't except it to grow anymore, or for my ovaries to even release it.  

When CD30 hits I'll start Provera.  Or maybe a few days early because I have leftovers here.  I'm CD15 now so that will be July 14th.  Then the three weeks for AF to show up.  It puts me at mid-August for IUI 1.5.   

Originally they were going to bump me up to Clomid 150mg.  I thought, "Great, so I'm not doing anything next cycle."  (I was unresponsive last August on 150mg.)  Then they gave me the option of Femara so I took that instead.  It has less side effects, seems to have a better response for PCOSers and isn't Clomid.  

Since Femara is brand new to me I am excited for it.  My three cycles post-Clomid (and before I got pregnant) all resulted in ovulation.  Not sure if it was Clomid left in my system or Vitex.  Maybe I'll have the same luck next post-Clomid cycle.  RE also said my Metformin might help by then and lower my insulin levels.  Not that they are high to begin with (low 90's) but will make them low-normal or something like that.  Maybe normal levels are not good enough for these ovaries.  

Overall I'm fine.  I didn't cry or anything today.  I had I feeling from the beginning that this IUI wouldn't result in PG (although I though I'd make it to the actual IUI part).  I'm looking forward to enjoying my July 4th week like a normal person and not someone going though fertility treatment.  I'll also be enjoying my break since as much as back-to-back treatment cycles sound like a good idea, it is also very emotion draining.  

Thank you everyone for your prayers, thoughts, or whatever you do.  Please save them for August.  

(PS My due date for baby boy is coming up on August 25th and I'm currently looking around for ideas to celebrate him.  Feel free to post a comment if you have any good ones.  Or maybe it is time to give him an actual name.)

-Selbe

The Chalkboard Project

I started my chalkboard project the other day.  I decided just to label it 0, 1, 2, 3 (hopefully 4, 5, 6...) weeks.  It kind of went with the other idea.    I started out with a brief history of the infertile me (and a little Bean).  I have a much longer list on the timeline page if anyone is interested.

That's it for now.

-Selbe

Remembering

This is my baby boy.

I think he is beautiful.

I'm proud that he existed.

He is about 8 weeks in this photo.

His heart stopped two weeks later.

I will never forget.

Nor will I hide in the dark about it.

-Selbe

Five Stages of Loss - Month Two

Source

The five stages of loss, for two months after my miscarriage. 

1. Denial & Isolation - Denial, none.  It happened.  I still feel like a distance myself from those around me.  I really do try though.  This is my last month in this area and probably the last time I'll see many of my military friends.  So I do try to get out there for the last get togethers.  I know once I move I won't have that many friends for awhile, being new and all.

2. Anger - I feel much more calm now.  I'm still sad it happened, I wish my baby didn't have to die.  But I'm also not extremely angry at other pregnant women.  Every once and awhile I make a hateful remark but I feel less bitter overall than after my miscarriage and some days before I even got pregnant.  

3. Bargaining - None, again what am I even going to bargain for?  It's already done.

4. Depression - I still get out of bed every day.  I still go to work.  I still come home and feed and take care of the pets.  My miscarriage isn't affecting my day to day life.  I don't feel like I am depressed.  Sure I am sad.  Anyone who would say it wasn't a sad experience is a heartless bitch.  

5. Acceptance - I have accepted.

I have improved since last month.

Not caring about trying for a baby again has helped me heal.

Right after my miscarriage I wanted to try again and get pregnant again as soon as possible.  Then a couple posts back I mentioned I didn't care for TTC much anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I still want children and all.  However, the TTC effort has decreased a lot.  I am almost even afraid to get pregnant again.  Being pregnant doesn't mean 40 weeks and I bring a healthy baby home from the hospital, least not for me anymore.  Seeing those double lines automatically makes me think I'm going to relive this experience.  At any one of those ultrasounds my baby will now be dead, that I will have to go through a D&C and all the other testing I've had since.  Pregnancy will now never be the same for me.

This not really caring attitude has helped me a lot.  I almost asked a pregnant women at work when her due date was.  Then decided that was pushing it for me.  Another guest came to me with a container of those gummy prenatals vitamins.  I mentioned how much I love them (they really are good, I could eat the whole container in one sitting).  She told me they're good but she couldn't really take them 'til the afternoon, because "you know why".  I looked at her confused, I can take mine in the morning, night, whenever.  Sometimes several times a day.  Then I realized she actually takes them for pregnancy.  Odd that.  Then said my baby had died (bringing out the happy train) and that they have extra folic acid (good to take any time).  I didn't ask her due date ether.  She wasn't showing so it was probably close or after mine.  

Hearing about women that are close to my due date upsets me.

I overheard another conversation with a women saying her due date was August 26th, a day after mine.  Those are the ones I fear the most.  The ones due right around the same time as I was.  I'd be close to 17 weeks right now.  Wow that's a big number.  I would be finding out the sex soon.  I'd have a baby belly soon, if I didn't already.  I would have already bought maternity clothes.  I'd start feeling my baby move.  My pregnancy would be almost half over.  That's where I could have been.  That's not where I am though.  I need to let it go.  Sometimes it is hard though, seeing where I could have been put right in my face.  Sometimes by people that are ignorant and don't realize how lucky they have it.

My dizziness is getting better.

My pregnancy bloody nose has stopped, along with my dizziness.  I've been sick so I think my constant snotty nose as kept it from drying out.  Last week my ENT gave me stuff to lubricate (?) the inside of my nose to help.  I didn't think I would need it since it seems to be healed.  Until yesterday, it started bleeding again.  Shit.  Hopefully the dizziness won't come back with it.  So far all I've had is nausea this week.  And my blood pressure has dropped to 110/70 (it was kind of high the few weeks after the D&C).

-Selbe

One Year

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One year ago I start this blog.  Although I feel I haven't made it far in this past year, I have learned a lot. 

Last March I ditched my old OBGYN on base for one out in town.  This also ended my short time on birth control which was supposed to regulate my very irregular cycles.  I got my first ultrasound, which ended up being more awkward than anything.  I listened to the much younger than me, unmarried girl next to me be congratulated by the ultrasound techs.  She looked at me the whole time probably thinking I was pregnant just like her.  I also started my first round of Clomid that month.

In April, I realized Clomid wasn't working and took Provera to start my period again.  My Clomid dose got increased.  The OBGYN diagnosed me with minor PCOS.

In May, I actually ovulated with Clomid, but didn't get pregnant.  

In June, I get invited to a string of baby showers, one which I almost cried at.  Same story as May.

In July, my Clomid stopped working and my dose got increased for the second time.  Bean's semen analysis also came back borderline low and my blood test showed I just wasn't ovulating.

In August, I started my fifth and final round of Clomid.  I was sent to an RE after lack of response to the drug.  The RE diagnosed me with PCOS.  Bean & I also celebrated our second wedding anniversary.

In September, Bean's second semen analysis came back normal.  I replaced my Clomid with Vitex.  I had a second ultrasound which showed I was normal inside and had tons of follicles.  My blood work showed I had high estrogen.  And I learned an HSG is a lot more painful than they told me.  

In October, I went in for Laparoscopic Surgery and Hysteroscopy after they couldn't get the HSG tube past my cervix.  I also begin ovulating on my own.

In November, I gave Vitex a third try, first time trying to conceive after surgery.  RE suggested I move to injectables with TI, IUI or IVF instead.

A week before Christmas in December I learned I was pregnant.  My betas looked amazing.

In January, I began bleeding and was sent for an ultrasound where everything looked OK.  A week and half later I started bleeding again and was sent for an ultrasounds.  I saw my baby and it's heartbeat, then was told the baby is not going to make it.  After a few more ultrasounds the heart had stopped.  I had my D&C a day after my birthday.  Bean turned 32 and I turned 27 this month.

In February, I watched my beta numbers slowly head towards zero indicating I'm no longer pregnant.  

This March my beta numbers are still being watched.  I'm still waiting on my post D&C period to arrive.  And my second Hysteroscopy is booked for the end of the month.

I really hope this coming year is much better than the past.  I really hope when I update a year from now that I'm holding my new baby, or at least have one inside of me.

I don't know when I'm going to get my period again.  I've been cramping a lot lately, maybe soon?  

Honestly I feel like I don't even care anymore about being pregnant or having children.  I feel like the dream has gotten further away and even more unreachable.  To the point now I don't want to go through anymore medical procedures and spend my time tracking things.  I'm happy to move across country, move into our new house, met new people, and start my new job.  Leave my infertile self behind here.  I want to forget about this dream and have a bunch of unprotected sex for awhile.  Maybe someday the dream will come back to me.

-Selbe

Memory Book

My book came in the mail the other day.  Thought I would post some pictures of it. 

Cover

Telling Bean

The Memory of My Baby

Source

I've gotten some questions from those around me in the past few week about my baby.  I figure I'd address some of them because A. you must of somewhat cared to ask to begin with to ask, B. you know someone going thought something similar, C. you yourself are currently going through this.

Do they know what happened to your baby?

Yes and no.  Due to the way it appeared on the ultrasound the baby got labeled as having chromosomal abnormalities.  Meaning it could have been a bad egg, or a bad sperm, or something that went wrong after they combined.  The way I try to explain it is the cells in the embryo split over and over again to copy one another.  One of those splits didn't go so well and the chromosomes were copied wrong.  Maybe something was missing, maybe something flipped around.  Then all those cells were copies over and over until it became a big enough error.  My baby had a heart and it started beating.  But maybe the error was in its brain or another major organ.  It is then decided for the baby to die rather than continue with these major problems.  My body did not kill the baby, nor did the doctors.  In fact my body kept trying to feed the baby long after the heart stopped.  I'm not sure this is an 100% accurate representation of how chromosomal abnormalities work.  About 15% of pregnancies result in miscarriage (in my age group of late 20's), and 60-70% of those are chromosomal abnormalities.  Which means I had about an 8% chance of this happening.  It's not rare.

I do not know where the error occurred.  After the D&C I could have allowed my baby to go through testing.  My RE does not do this on first time miscarriages and I would have requested not to have it done anyways.

Will it happen again?

Possibly.  I have about the same statistics as the first time.  

Boy or girl?  Did you name it?

Again I requested my baby not to be tested.  Bean & I decided it was a boy, and that was it.  I didn't want the extra testing done to confirming ether way.

We did not name it.  That just seems too painful.

Did you bring the baby home?  If not, where does it go?

I did not request to bring my baby home.  I'm not even sure if I was legally allowed to where I live.  And what to do with his body.  Bury it?  It would have been so small.  My baby was marked as "medical waste".  In short he was thrown out.  It sounds so harsh but in most cases this is how it ends up.  

Complete tangent: Years ago I had a sick ferret that required a certain surgery.  I paid over $1000 for the surgery and everything that went along with it.  He was nursed back to health.  A few months later something went wrong and he required the same surgery, another $1000 but he was much more sick this time so chances of survival were much smaller.  I knew he wasn't going to make it.  It's not that I'm not optimistic, it is that I can feel things.  Something I've been able to do ever since I was young, I can feel when my pets are not feeling OK, ether emotionally or physically sick.  I've had many cases, even with fish, that I have said something isn't right and got strange looks.  Only to find out a day later it passed away.  Maybe I'm psychic, maybe I just spend too much time looking at them, at their eyes.  Anyways back to the ferret.  I was given a couple options.  I could come up with the money to pay the $1000+ bill or sign up for their credit cards.  Not that I didn't have the money, but it deem fit spending it for little odds.  They didn't give me the option to put him down, which I wanted.  Or I could give over all rights I had to Sammy, custody pretty much.  He would go along to have the surgery, and if he survived he would be placed for adopting and go to another family.  However, never back to me since I was marked as "unfit".  One of the hardest things I've had to do was signing the paperwork to give him away.  I just abandoned him there.  I didn't tell anyone for months what I had done out of embarrassment.  

I feel the same way now.  Yes, I abandoned him.  But honestly that was really the only thing to be done.  It is too late to change that now.

Memorial service?  Or other ways to remember?

I didn't have a memorial service.  Everything felt like it happened quick.  I just wanted to move on anyways.  Maybe for his due date in August.  

I'm a lazy photographer that loves to take photos, edit them, upload them online and then do nothing else with them.  I rarely see my own photos printed on paper because I never get around to doing so.  That and I get so picky about how it is printed that it takes about 30 minutes per photo for me to get it right.  I have compromised with my laziness and make photo books on my computer with the digital photos, then send them out to get printed.  These are my physical photo albums.  I make them for certain years (like all the photos from 2011), the pets (once they die), and our vacations.

I'm going to make one of these books for my baby.  All I really have are ultrasound pictures and photos of my pregnancy tests and surgery.  So it is going to be a really short book.  My husband's job sells baby bibs so I'm going to buy one, cut it up, and then sew a cover for the book with it.   

Maybe I'll get a tattoo.  I've been thinking for getting an infertility/cervical cancer related tattoo for some time.  I don't have an tattoos right now.  Not that I'm against them but that I really don't like silly tattoos with no mean.  It would be small and on my side.  

If anyone else has any memorial type ideas, let me know.

-Selbe

D&C Surgery

CD1... fucking again

Today was my D&C for my baby boy.  Although the board in the OR and my paper work says D&E.  I tired Googling to find the difference, only thing I could find the D&C is for first trimester, D&E for second.  Though they might just be used interchangeably.  

1/25 11:30 PM - Last meal of birthday cake and leftover french fries.  Real healthy!

1/26 12:15 AM - Last drink of water, don't tell anymore I drank past midnight!

Bracelets

7:00 AM - Wake up.  Braid my new blue hair. (Another post there.)

7:45 - Leave for surgery center for our 8:30 appointment.  So hungry and thirsty.  Bean decides to leave my 3 month old puppy out in the house unattended.  Tons of toys so "he'll be fine".

8:10 - Arrive and get registered.  New hospital bracelets.

8:15 - Waiting room.  I look around at all the other women there for Dr. H.  I wonder what they are there for.  Maybe they lost their babies too, or for a lap surgery like I had in October, or something else.  

Pre-Surgery Questionnaire

Sometimes I don't know what to put:

Pre-Surgery Questionnaire 

Oh well...

-Selbe

My Mum & My Infertility

I don't know how to describe my mum.  It seems like she is much older than she is.  She's only 57, 30 when she had me.  However, mentally she is no longer here.  It's like talking to a crazy old person who is off in their own world far from 2012.  A lot of things you tell her do not sink in or her mind starts to wander while in the middle of a conversation.  While she still is my mum, she is no long a mum to me.  She works fast food and lives in an assisted living complex for the elderly.  

I talk to her once a month or every other month by cell phone.  A cell phone that was given to her by the state with limited minutes.  She doesn't have text messaging, picture messaging.  No computer connected to the internet, so no email, Facebook, etc.  

In October I told her I had a surgery.  At Christmas she asked more about it.  I told her it was on on ovaries, tubes, uterus, etc.  She asked why I needed surgery on them.  I started out with "well I don't get my period anymore..." (thanks to PCOS).  She interrupted and let me know that was a blessing because most women didn't want AF.  Well that is true.  But no AF = no eggs = no grandchildren for her.  I didn't mention this though, she doesn't understand how it all works down there.  She doesn't know what PCOS is or anything else wrong with me.  And honestly it's too much work to explain it all for her to only understand 1/4 or less of it.  It's much easier to give short answers.

Today she called for my birthday.  I mentioned I have surgery tomorrow.  She asked if it was on my ovaries again, and I said no, uterus.  She asked if they were going to fix me this time.  If only it were that simple.  I didn't mention that I was pregnant, that the baby died, that I was having surgery to remove the baby.  I didn't see the point.  I didn't want to get asked why it is dead.  

Part of me blames my mum too.  She left and was never around for my teen years.  I got my period, I used toilet paper.  I got made fun of for having hairy legs, I used a box cutter to shave them.  My hair got long, I cut it myself.  I stopped getting my period... well there was Google for that.  She was just never there for me.  I figure if she took me to a doctor when I was 16 they could have "fixed" me then, instead of waiting years and seeing many doctors.  Not sure if this is realistic but it has been a lot more work for me.

Needless to say she doesn't know I'm infertile.

-Selbe

Fourth Ultrasound

Source

No heartbeat found.

Yolk sac measured much farther along than 5w6d, doubling in size from last week.  My body continued going with what was my 9 or 10 week baby never getting the message that it was already gone.  I don't know the exact day the heart stopped.  

We didn't pick out a name because that seems too painful.  Bean and I did decide it's a boy, going by that's what I always thought and he kept calling it.  

-Selbe

Anger

I returned back to work Thursday, Bean on Wednesday.  I'd rather be at work, although there are some things that do upset me.  If not working then I'm just sitting on the couch or laying in bed.  That really doesn't help ether.

People keep asking me how I'm doing.   Honestly how would you be doing in my position?  I'm pissed, I'm angry.  I'm angry at other fertiles, at God, at myself.

Fertilies

I'm upset at couples that can get pregnant so easy.  The ones that try for 2 or 3 months or have just gotten off birth control.  Or the ones that get PG on accident.  Or the ones that get PG on accident while ON birth control (how does that even fucking happen?)  

I've been to the hospital for so many times this year for those that have had healthy babies.  We tried so long, so much.  Finally we got our dream only to have it taken away so soon.  I just happened to be in the small percentage of women this happens to.  A case of bad luck yet again.  Why do I feel like I'm the only one?  I know this isn't that uncommon, this happens to many women.  But yet I feel like I'm the only one to leave the hospital without a baby.  

Before complaining how crappy your pregnancy symptoms are or how horrible your child is, think of all the infertile women.  They would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  

The other day saw someone post on Facebook that they are upset they are not PG yet and would even take a miscarriage right now.  You want to take my life over and see your baby die?  Go right for it.  I'll give you this crappy situation.  Enjoy!

I don't know what's worse.  Getting PG and then losing your baby, or not getting PG at all.  I'm going to go with losing the baby.

God

For the infertile community I usually see one belief in God or the other.  1.  Those that believe God has a way for them and if they pray enough they will get it.  2.  Those that have seen so many bad things happen that they no longer believe said God exists.  I grew up learning God brings good things to those that deserve it and pray.  But what about bad things?  Does God also bring bad things to those that deserve it?  Does something else bring bad things?  Do bad things just come out of nowhere unlike good things?  I've seen a lot of bad things now, abuse and infertility to name a few.  Why does God give those that are clearly unfit to be parent a child?  (story of Caylee Anthony)  Why does he give those that are unwed (a sin) a child?  Why does he let people that are going to suck off welfare have unlimited children?  Why does he deny that to couples that are married, have amazing families and homes?  The anwser is simple.  1.  There is no God.  or 2. God does not control who gets good and bad.  Life is not fair.  If there was a being up there deciding who gets good and bad then life would be fair.  Shithole parents would become infertile and the infertiles would be given the amazing gift of life. However, it doesn't work that way. 

Myself

I'm angry I got myself so happy about the pregnancy.  I'm angry I had so much hope in it.  Maybe I didn't take enough folic acid?  Maybe 800mcg wasn't good enough for me?  (I literally went shopping for MORE folic acid supplements today.  Bean asked how much I need and I told him "more than I have now.")  I'm upset I can't be naive and enjoy a pregnancy without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong.  The ectopic, the miscarriage, my cervix falling.  I'll find something else once I'm cleared safe of all those.  I'm upset I know too much.  

And I'm also angry at my 18 year old unmarried co-worker than opps got pregnant.  I'm sorry I'm not all happy and hugs.  I am a bitch, I am angry.  The baby that took me 1.5 years to make is dying.  If you are pregnant then don't bother talking to me (unless you've been though the same things I have).  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to listen to the complaining.  I don't want to hear how horrible your life is.  Just let me be in my own bubble and looking out the window.  I'll come around someday, but it won't be today, or tomorrow, or even next week.  This goes for everyone who is pregnant.

My few days back at work have been alright.  I'm still kind of out of it.  I'm sure I spend a lot of time staring off into space.  Bean took me shopping last week and I randomly started walking away from him when he was looking at something on a shelve.  He found me half the store away looking at something.  He asked me what I was looking at and I told him "I don't know."  I really don't know.  I just wanted to walk.  I'm there but sometimes my mind isn't.

The hardest was today at work.  I had a few ladies buying tons of baby stuff for their grandchildren (guessing by their ages).  They were so excited and proud for their babies.  Makes me think of my own family.  Sometimes I feel like I never do anything right, my father is never proud of me.  And my mum is just too out of it in general.  I wonder what that's like to have someone proud of you.  But I will never know, least not with this baby.  Because I feel like I fucked up again.  

I keep getting dizzy.  Not sure if this is part of a miscarriage or my ears are messing with me.  I wrote a note with a short description of my medical problem and put it in the pocket.  I figure if I pass out or am in too much pain then someone will know what to do with me.

I got asked by a few people if I'm scared for my D&C on Thursday.  Odd enough both Bean and I are excited for it!  I was never really scared for my lap surgery last October ether, just more what they could find wrong with me since they were going in with the intent of finding something.  But the actually surgery, the IVs, being put out, waking up in pain later really doesn't concern me at all.  And this time they are not digging for something wrong.  Whenever I'm told I need another procedure, LEEP, HSG, lap surgery, the D&C now, at first I do feel sorry for myself.  Then I read a lot online, especially seeing many other women go though the same thing, and just tell myself they are routine procedures or something.  I don't feel bad anymore and then somehow assume EVERY women has them done.  Until I met someone one day that is in fear of something stupid like an abnormal pap smear or simple IV and think they are a little bitch.  Not sure if this helps the situation at all.  Haha.  Anyways we are excited for the D&C and chance to move on for baby #2.  

At the store tonight I saw this toy.  Bean told me it's a baby toy.  I told him I found it in the dog aisle, and it says "pet" on it.  It's for puppies.  Then talked him into buying it.  Toys like this are for pet owners who don't have children.  Especially those that are infertile and have replaced the dog as a child.  We buy toys like this, and the Kong Puppy Binkie, so we feel semi better about the lack of child we don't have.  Dear dog, please wait at least a week before ripping its wings off.

I went on a beauty supply shopping spree the other night.  It made me feel semi better.  Today I made an appointment to get my hair done next week.

-Selbe

Why It Was Great For Me To Miscarry

I decided I'm make a list of a bunch of reasons why it was good to have a miscarriage.  This is really just to make me feel better.  I'd rather actually be holding my baby at the end of August, but that doesn't look like it is going to be happening.

Why It Was Great For Me To Miscarry

1. I get to eat feta cheese, bleu cheese and turkey sandwiches again.  (I have already taken advantage of all three of those.)
2. I am off gym restriction.  (I miss you gym!)
3. I can go skiing, snow tubing, ride roller coasters or any other extreme activity.
4. I can dye my hair blue.
5. I can pierce unmentionable parts of my body.
6. I will (eventually) stop getting nauseous.
7. (Eventually) my boobs will stop hurting.
8. My boobs will be spared the sagging and leaking that comes with PG and breastfeeding for awhile longer.  
9. I can get so drunk I can't feel my face. (In time...)
10. I can drink unlimited high caffeinated soda pop.
11. I can work past what would have been my first trimester. (High risk, bed rest possibility.)
12. My husband won't miss the birth due to work now.  (Because there won't be one!)
13. I don't have to move the 2,500+ miles across country riding in a car with something sitting on my bladder.  
14. I don't have to be PG in the summer.  (I hear that sucks.)
15. I can re-start allergy shots.  
16. I can lift heavy things again.
17. Pap smear, and hopefully nothing more.
18. I can have sex again!  (Sex restriction sucks too, all this time making a baby to actually get PG and not be able to have sex!  Fear no more, I have another baby to make.) 

And then...

Great Things About Having a D&C

1. The surgery center gives out a free pair of these amazing soft socks every time I go there.
2. The center has diet ginger ale.
3. Said ginger ale & sock cost my insurance about $10k because that is what they are billed from the RE, anesthesiologist and center.
4. This will be my third time there since October.
5. I wake up, go to the center, get put out, wake up, go home, fall asleep.  I get to catch up on sleep.
6. I get a day off work.
7. I get my period without Provera.
8. Husband is also excited for his day off work.  (Though I'm sure he wishes he was doing something more fun than watching me sleep.)
9. I don't have to be in a lot of pain or see my baby come out my vagina.
10. This should be simple compared to the lap surgery because they are not cutting into my stomach or filling my abdomen with gas this time. (Though not like lap surgery was that bad.)
11. I get more pain meds that I can sell to make more money to pay for infertility treatment.  (OK that's a lie, but it did come to mind.)
12. I get another IV in my arm and watch my husband squirm.  I call him a baby in front of all the nurses.  Then realize why women delivery babies, not men!
13. More hospital bracelets for the baby book. (Another infertile women mentioned to me putting all her bracelets in the book, not just the one from the delivery.  They were all about "making the baby".  I could fill a whole page of these bracelets now.)
14. It's scheduled the day after my 27th birthday, so now I'll forever know the date of this surgery when I'm filling out my medical history each time I go to a new doctor. (My first LEEP was Valentines Day 2005, still remember the date to this day.)
15. I really like those socks.

We are taking full advantage of no sex restriction this week.  I told Bean we need to get going because I'm ovulating.  He questions that  considering I am still PG so I tell him to go Google it.  But by then I already have my clothes off.  End of story.  Yes I lie and tell my husband I'm ovulating, even when I'm not, so he'll have sex with me.

And my last U/S is January 24th, my birthday is January 25th, and my D&C is January 26th.  I'm forward to this amazing week!  This is EXACTLY what I wanted for my birthday!  Please send me cute stuff and booze!

-Selbe

Third Ultrasound

Friday I measured 5w6d and baby had a heart rate of 86bpm.  

Today I measured 5w6d with 70bpm.

I would have been 8w3d today.  My baby grew zero in 4 days.  The baby's heart is slowing down.  RE has close to zero hope for it.

I have another U/S on 1/24.  As long as the heart stops by then and I don't MC naturally then my D&C is scheduled for 1/26.  If not 2/9.  I'll be put out for it so I'll be happy to not be in anymore pain or see any more than I want to.

I knew looking at the U/S right away the baby had passed or stopped growing.  It looked exactly the same as the other day.  I saw the heart blinking but knew it was flashing at a slower rate.  The RE grabbed my wrist and check my own heart rate against the baby and found mine faster where it should be the other way around.

RE said since my yolk sac was large and baby small that the baby had a chromosomal abnormality.  I guess my yolk sac keep going to feed my 8 week old embryo that never made it that far.  

-Selbe

Future

Tomorrow morning is my next U/S with my RE.  I can't say I'm looking forward to it really, but I am eager to see the results.  I don't know if I want to see the screen or have them turn it away from the start.  I know from the second they put the wand in I'll know something is very different, or exactly the same as Friday.  I'll automatically see it blinking or not (heart).  I'll know without them even saying a word that my baby is gone.  Maybe it will be better that way.  Even though I feel this baby is already gone I want to find out the truth.  But right now there is a tiny chance I am still PG with a healthy baby in there, but after the U/S I'll know 100% for sure.  

I really just want to move on.  I don't feel like I can actually move on 'til it is physically out of me.  But when will that be?  When my body naturally decided, 'til the RE can schedule me for an D&C?  It could be days, or weeks.  I want it out NOW.  I want to move on now.  

Bean and I have thought of some things we could change for the next PG.

Future

Trying again:

• Both of us have decided we want to try again soon after this MC ends.
• Since this PG resulted from Vitex, Softcups and Preseed we are going to try that mixture again.
• If for some reason my Vitex has stopped working I will move to injectables in the next few months.
• My progesterone looked good each time I went in, so they said.  I don't think I'll need a progesterone supplement.
• My husband is scheduled to be gone long periods of time over the next couple years.  We might move to IUI with his frozen sperm so I don't have to give up all together during this time.
• I don't want to give up on this dream.

What I regret from this PG:

• I'm not upset I told people close to me.  It has actually helped me so I don't feel totally alone.  And having my coworkers know about the PG and now MC makes them understand why I haven't been there much this week and that I'm not a total flake.
• Being happy.  I'm so upset I wasted so much time and energy feeling happy after the TTC journey.  I have nothing to show for it.  Next time I'm going to ignore the PG (well not ignore ignore to the point of drinking alcohol & not taking vitamins) but put less happiness into it at first.  Till 20 weeks or 24.  But then I feel I'll miss part of it.  I don't know where I'm going with this.  I'm just angry I was so fucking happy for nothing. 
• Not having more photos or physical items to hold onto.  Then again there isn't too much you can collect in 3 weeks.  Maybe I'll get a babies first Christmas ornament for 2012 or something.  
• Buying things.  This goes with being happy and excited.  I'm not really too upset I bought some clothes.  I've always had a baby bin in the basement I toss things in.  And I'm a military wife so there is always some newly married youngest having a baby shower that I'm invited to.  I'll just give the stuff I don't absolutely love to them.  (I fucking hate baby showers.  Everyone always woos over the mum-to-be & I'm made to play that stupid don't say baby game.  I'm too bitter at most of them that I don't say much so I do pretty well at the game.)  
• Wasting my time researching products.  Although I know pretty much all the products I want for my newborn baby I am still unsure the actually brand and models (like carseat).  So I decided each week of my PG I would pick a product and research the best brands and features I want.  This week it was cloth diapers, and I narrowed it down to a couple brand.  Though now my research has changed from that to different types of abortions to have done.

Things I'll do different next time:

• Drink more water.
• Maybe more vegetables, though I don't eat that unhealthy anyways.
• Omega supplement I was suposed to look into but never got around to.
• Stop Vitex post O.  Though I don't think that will make much difference.
• Gym:  Probably nothing different there since I got put on restriction at 6 weeks.  I wish I had a healthy baby/reproductive system and could still work out light during my PG.  So many women don't do anything at all and I actually want to and can't.
• Notify work early early on just how high risk I really am.

Medical:

• Beta hCG BW I had done early on.  My numbers were amazing, like super amazing.  A 35 hour doubling time each time that set me up for a healthy pregnancy.  Except it didn't.  I don't want my beta done next time.  If those numbers mean MC then no number I ever get will be good enough.  I'd just rather not know.  Bean is on the fence since they tell if the PG is ectopic, which is still a risk for future PG.  Maybe I'll just have the nurse tell me "good" or "bad" instead of a number.
• Ultrasounds.  Bean says no more 'til much later on since they are just too painful.  I am still on the fence.

-Selbe

Cervical Stenosis

Source

No new news.  I thought after I started spotting last night that would be the end.  I feared waking up this morning.  But since it has been all day and no spotting or cramping at all.  I did take a pregnancy test (like I mentioned before I have about 100 of them under my bathroom sink because they come with every OPK I order).  The line is now lighter than the control. :(  Meaning my hCG levels are dropping.  I think this baby is gone.  

I thought I would mention why I am all for D&C from my last post.  This is a TMI post, warning now.  I have Cervical Stenosis.  When I was 19 I developed Cervical Dysplasia, abnormal cell growth on my cervix.  It is what is between normal cell growth and cancer, sometimes called pre-cancer.  I had a LEEP to remove these cells.  A LEEP is great because it is the most effective treatment of all the ones out there for dysplasia.  Most people only need one to get rid of the cells, except if you are unlucky.  When I was 24 my dysplasia came back and I went for my second LEEP.  This one didn't go over so well.  

I noticed the few times I did get my period I was in extreme pain.  I'd bleed red for a day, then brown.  It was followed by extreme cramps.  Eventually I would start bleeding red again with tons of clots, but the pain would go away.  One time I remember the pain being so bad I could barely walk but my husband forced me to.  All of a sudden my pants felt so warm and wet.  I thought I peed only to go into the bathroom and find tons of blood.

I mentioned this to my past OBGYN and she passed me off like some other crazy women complaining about mild cramps.  Then in a pap smear she couldn't find my cervix.  When she finially did she mentioned it was very scarred.  

Over the next year I learned I have a condition called Cervical Stenosis.  This is a very rare risk to having a LEEP (or two) done.  My cervix is mainly scar tissue now.  Like most scar tissue it is much tougher than the original.  The opening in my cervix is very narrow.  

When I get my period and it starts to clot then my cervix "clogs" and doesn't allow anything to pass, so my flow up stops.  But my uterus is still going, it cramps more and more causing extreme presure.  Eventually the "flood gates" open and all is well again.

Also many procedures where tubes are inserted past my cervix are painful.  Last September my HSG got canceled after the RE could not insert the small tube into my uterus.

I'm assuming a 6 week old embryo and everything that goes with it is larger than the standard clot.  I'm worried my cervix will not know to dilate, or do anything to let this thing pass easily.  I'm worried about the pain.  I'd rather be knocked out and have a D&C.  I'm going to talk to the RE when I go in for Tuesday's u/s.

-Selbe

Might Be the End?

The rest of today my insides haven't felt right.  There is a lot of pulling.  Burning that feels like is coming from my clit but probably something behind it.  Through dinner I had sharp pains in my lower abdomen, every 30 seconds but sometimes a few minutes in between.  I went to the bathroom and everything felt so heavy and low.  It feels like the pressure I get when I have to poop, but not poop, something more in the front.  That probably makes no sense.  But there is something wrong.  I'm 90% sure these are not normal pregnancy symptoms.   

I went to check my cervix again.  Bright red blood.  I think this is the end.

I don't want it to end this way.  I want a D&C under general anesthesia.  I don't want to miscarry on my own or with the pills.  I don't want to go through the physical pain of it passing.  I hear women say all the time how painful it is.  I'm strong, I have a high tolerance for pain.  But with my cervical stenosis it makes even a heavy AF painful.  How am I going to get the baby through my very scarred cervix?  I'm going to have to see the baby, in my underwear, on the tolilet paper, or in the toilet.  This is NOT the way I imagined seeing my baby for the first time.  What do I do with the baby after?  Do I just flush it?  I wanted to be put out for this.  I didn't want to have to deal with the physical pain or seeing the baby.  I've already done enough. 

I told Bean if I become in too much pain to bring me to the local ER.  They can deal with me, ether by drugging me up or telling me to suck it up and go home.   

-Selbe

Second Ultrasound - Part 2

... Continuation of Part 1

Bean asked me a few times on the way home if I wanted something to eat.  I kept saying I wasn't hungry.

I said I wanted to go car shopping so we drove to the dealership.  There is nothing wrong with my car.  But my favorite car ever got totaled last spring after someone drove me off the road.  We got the same car but newer and a convertible (original was a hatchback).  There were some problems from the start and I never really fell in love with the new one like I did the old.  Also the backseat doesn't fold down, the truck is tiny and the back window is so small that it lets little light in (because the convertible motor takes up much more room).  Grocery shopping for more than three bags is a pain, let alone anything larger.  My puppy still rides on my passenger seat, thankfully each time he is under the weight to set the "need a seatbelt" alarm off, though I know this will not last forever.  It is too much of a pain to put him in the backset.  While bringing him to puppy class last week I passed a car just like my old one and realized I missed it.  I didn't mention anything to Bean, didn't want to be one of those bitchy PG women, plus he has already heard it all.  This seemed like a great idea now to go car shopping.  It got me to stop crying.  I found a car I love at the dealership but what they are asking for my trade-in seems a bit low.  It was a used car I bought from them last April and they are now offering me 2/3 of the price.  I hate that dealership anyways after everything that happened.  We are going to look around more.  Least I was in such a horrible mood that I told them right to their face their offer was crap instead of just dealing.  I think this might be the preferred time to go car shopping now.

As we were driving home the nurse from the RE called with my next u/s appointment.  This is the appointment to make sure the heart has stopped before aborting my baby, if my body hasn't already done it before then.  They told me 1/24 for the appointment, in a week and a half!  I got angry.  (The 1/25 is also my birthday, crappy gift, dead baby.)  I told them if this thing dies I don't want to carry it around for longer than I have to.   She mentioned something about "time to grow" and finally agreed to make 1/17 the next u/s instead.  What women wants to walk around with their dead baby inside of them?  I want it out ASAP.

I began crying again.

I also began crying for one of my pets who is very sick right now.  I mentioned awhile ago he has terminal cancer.  There is nothing saving him, just stalling.  He's gone downhill a lot in the last month and since I got PG I was thinking it is time to put him down.  I felt one life ending (Munchlet), a new one beginning (the baby).  Especially after I thought I would hear the good news after this u/s.  Now I don't want to put him down, I don't want to lose two things at once.  I can't control what is happening to this baby, but I can try and save Munchlet.  I don't want to murder him too.

My head really hurt, I fell asleep for a short period of time and woke up to this same nightmare.  

Bean and I went out to the store.  I saw the maternity section but instead ignored it and went for the swim suits.  I bought one of those instead, even though I didn't need it.  If anything I would "need" a cute swim suit over maternity clothes this summer.  That and I brought out my "I'm skinny, you're fat, sucks to be you" attitude.  We passed some baby and child things, I looked the other way or down at the floor like they didn't exist.  When I got back to my car I wasn't able to open the door due to the car next to me having it's door WIDE open due to the young 19-ish mum in the backseat slowly unbuckling her child.  I waited a few second and then got angry.  Why should I have to wait, like I am below them?  I began to close their door so I could get by and open mine.  Mum nor baby were not out of the car yet, just sitting back there, so not like I closed it on ether of them.  I climbed in my car, slammed the door while giving them a dirty look.  Then mentioned to Bean about them as "rude" and "needing to use birth control."  This was uncalled for, but after today I was pissed.

I went and bought some new bras at the mall.  My boobs are still really sore, but I refuse to admit it is because I'm still PG.  Maybe I just need new bras.  I kept looking at my nipples in the mirror as I was trying the bras on.  My areolas are much larger, and slightly darker.  I hate this.  I would be happy if this was to feed my child come late August, but it doesn't look this way.  I can't wait for my nipples to return to normal and my breast become less sore.  I just want things to return to normal.

We drove around for a bit before I decided to eat at 10pm (hadn't eaten since before the u/s at 7am).  I became nauseous and we went home.  I woke up at 4am and began to vomit.  There wasn't much in my stomach so I only got a little up, rest was dry heaves.  Not sure if this is morning sickness or because I'm so upset.  But morning sickness has a crappy time of showing up now (I've been nauseous all week).  I haven't eaten anything yet today though.

This morning there was a lot more pulling and burning on my cervix.  Not sure what that is, dilation?  I reached up and touch it.  Yellow discharge and soft now.

I made it almost all the way to work before I started crying.  They are letting me have the next few days off.

I am sorry I am not very positive or optimistic.  There could be a small chance this thing could start growing quicker, and the heart get stronger.  But I'd rather prepare for the worst.  

-Selbe