Physical Pain is Nothing

Looking at the last couple years of my fertility journey I've learned that the physical pain from everything is nothing compared to the emotional pain I've felt.

The side effects from the drugs (Clomid mostly) are there and blah.  The blood work is just needles in the arm.  I don't even take a deep breath like they tell me anymore.  It only affect me if they take a large number of vials (6+) on an empty stomach.  Bring a snack to eat after in that case.  The most painful thing about blood work is that sticky tape some offices use to patch you up after.  The internal ultrasounds are nothing.  The wand is the size of your standard dildo.  The HSG was hell, but I'd do it again (with a lot of complaining) if I had to.  Lap surgery left two incisions in my stomach.  It was sore but I didn't take any pain meds and was back at work 3 days later lifting heavy items.  The gas bubbles hurt the most.  The Hysteroscopies and D&E I was fine with.  Up walking around soon after and back to work the next day.  Both IUIs there was cramping, but nothing too terrible.  Injections the in stomach seem to creep more people out than the pain they cause me.  It takes a little force to push the needle to break the skin, but once it's in I am fine.  

Source

Many women would get queasy about the thought of simple the blood work or dildo cam.  None of that is pain to me.  I don't even look at the most painful thing in the world, labor, with fear anymore.  All that stuff is just temporary physical pain.

The emotional pain is what will get you.  Sometimes you go through a cycle with so much hope.  You had sex at the right time, or the IUI/IVF went perfect.  You wait two weeks with all these early pregnancy or implantation symptoms.  You think to yourself that you must be pregnant.  Maybe even take a early pregnancy test and swear you see a faint line.  Come to find out your cycle didn't work.  All the hope you had is now crushed.  The only thing you can do is pick up the piece and try again next cycle.  

Maybe your cycle does work, and then you lose your baby.

After my second ultrasound with my first pregnancy I had to start prepping for the great possibility I would need a D&E.  My emotions were a mess at first.  Why did I have to wait two years for this to only have it taken away?  Why does everyone else get pregnant with the snap of their fingers and they take a healthy baby home from the hospital?  Two weeks later at my fourth ultrasound they confirmed our fear.  They told me my body did everything right for the baby, it was still trying to feed it.  The sac was perfect size for a 10 week old.  But the baby wasn't perfect size.  It was no longer moving and the heart had stopped.  The following day was my 27th birthday, the day after I was in surgery for my D&E.  By the time my D&E came I was fine, I had already disconnected from my baby.  But never the same person I was before.

I went back to work before my D&E.  Most days I was so dizzy but my RE told me as long as I wasn't bleeding excessively then there was no need to go to the ER.  I had my insurance card in my pocket along with a brief note about what was wrong with me and my emergency contact.  Just in case because some days I was so sure I'd pass out with the building moving so much.  The dizziness went on for months, later diagnosed as Vertigo, but the worst of it ended after the D&E.

The thing that upset me the most were my boobs.  As soon as I hit 5 or 6 weeks pregnant my areolas began getting larger, along with the standard soreness.  Weeks after my D&E I remember standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror.  My areolas were still large and my boobs sore.  My body was still hormonally pregnant.  It made me angry and I just wanted everything to return to normal.  Those sore breasts where for pregnancy, and I was no longer pregnant.  One day I even wore a bathing suit top in the shower because I didn't want to feel the water hitting them and reminding me.

Emotional pain like this story hurts me way more than any physical pain of fertility treatment.  

-Selbe

Plan for the Future

The Plan

There are some thing in life that I'm adamant about having a plan for.  Like the time in Greece where Bean and I took a bus three hours to a tourist spot only to find they were closed for the day.  I ended up crying on the side of the road because we didn't have a hotel room and I didn't want to take the bus back.  That trip should of had a plan.  And there are some things in my life that I'm "whatever" about.  Like my college degrees, none which I use and I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life.  

So what's the plan if Femara doesn't work?  Femara is shown to have better success in PCOS, especially after Clomid has failed.  But it is not 100%.  I have a little knowledge about my insurance, cost of meds, IUI and pills vs. injectables.

In NH:

• I was seen by an outside provider (base didn't have someone to deal with infertility)
• Since I did so horrible on Clomid I was getting switched to injectables - Gonal-f, which would cost me about $500 since I would be on a low dose at first
• Trigger shot - $50
• IUI, with all the blood work and ultrasounds - $2-2.5k
• Total Out-of-Pocket - $3,000

In WA:

• I was sent out to a local Army Hospital, where they do have fertility doctors
• I can do Clomid+injectables, or Femara+injectable (but not straight injectables) - The meds for this piggy back cycle would be free
• Trigger - free
• IUI - $200
• Total Out-of-Pocket - $200

My insurance will not cover straight injectables.  But they will cover a cycle mixed with pill form fertility drugs.  This is stupid and I don't really get it.  Something about funding.  So even it I do get injectables I'll still be taking Clomid or Femara, even if it does nothing for me.  This is just to make them happy.  Or I could pay the full price of the injectable.  This is at least until I make it to my IVF date, then it will be all injectables.  

They also talked about possible doing ovary drilling.  

Met

My Patriot Nails

I haven't had any bad side effects from Metformin 1000mg ether.  The worst of it is during the morning when I first wake up I am nauseous.  Usually if I eat like half a granola bar and fall back asleep I am fine.

Fourth of July

Happy 4th of July America!  Bean and I are going to eat some unhealthy non-organic, non-glute free fast food, drink Mike's Hard Lemonade and be one of those crazies that sets fireworks off.  Hopefully we will not hurt ourselves or set anything on fire in the process.  It will be some stupid fun, which I think we all need right now.

-Selbe

Ovulation in the Future?

Fertility Friend

I'm moving into ovulation week, if I ovulate.  I've got all the predictors going: OPKs, BBT, Ovacue, saliva ferning, checking the cervix.  Not that I need all those I just would like to see which method lines up with ovulation best, for cycles I'm not monitored via ultrasound.

I bought a VIP membership to Fertility Friend.  It's the charting program I like most, for right now.  I like all the custom setting I can add and the colours.  I just wish they had an Ovacue setting, well other than the custom ones I made.

I can feel slight pain in my right ovary at night when I lay in bed.  Only at CD8 or CD9.  Maybe that ovary is doing something?  I'm not really a fan of my right ovary, well actually the scarred and tangled fallopian tube it is connected to.  It slightly worries me and I feel more comfortable ovulating from my left, just because the increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy.  Even with surgery they can't fix my tube, at least not in 2012.  If I ended up having an ectopic there is a chance I'd lose that tube all together.  Honestly I'm OK with that.  If it causes more harm than good I'd rather have it removed.  Yes, that ovary would be MIA for natural intercourse and IUI.  But I would still have the left fallopian tube, and I'm already heading straight towards IVF with two tubes or zero.  That doesn't change much.  Will have to see on Tuesday is the right ovary is the one with the dominate follicle.  Or maybe I just have a pissed off cyst.

I try not to get my hopes up too much since my record of ovulating even with Clomid is few and far between.  But at least I have a tiny chance with Clomid, vs trying out new herbal drugs, and then a different herbal drug in 30 days to induce AF when it fails to work.  I feel like I'm doing something slightly productive even if I have zero follicles in there.  

I think I chipped the enamel on one of my teeth.  I never have dental problems, not even a cavity before in my life.  It's not noticeable to anyone but I can feel that it's different.  I have an appointment with my new dentist on Monday so hopefully they can bond it, sand it or whatever they do for something like this. 

-Selbe

Prescription Mess

I went to pick up my Clomid today.  It became more of a mess than I ever thought picking up a prescription could be.  It seems like everything here turns the simplest things into a clusterfuck. 

I went to the pharmacy earlier in the afternoon because later on the wait is insanely long.  If I get in and out before 2PM then I'm good.  I figured it would take 30-45 minutes, I'd be home in about an hour to take the dog to the dog park on this nice day.  I showed up at 1PM, grabbed a number and waited for it to get called.  They were on 404, I was 412.  It took about 25 minutes to get to my number and I went up to the counter.

There are two pharmacies here.  This one mentioned above, Bremerton.  And the one my RE is at, Madigan.  Bremerton is a lot closer, only 15 minutes away verse the hour drive to Madigan.  Obviously I want to drive to the closer one.  The RE will send my prescriptions (like Provera last week) to Bremerton so I don't have to drive.

At the counter the lady told me my prescription was already filled at Madigan, so they can't refill my prescription here.  The RE did send it to Bremerton, but for some reason Madigan grabbed it off the system instead, poured the pills in the bottle, stuck my name of it and put it on the shelf for me to pick up.  I don't understand why they would do this.  The auto-fill option (which I didn't even know they could do) is great... if I was going to Madigan.  My only option is to drive the hour to the other pharmacy.

I tried to get a hold of the RE but no luck.  About 95% of the time they never answer the phone and it goes to voicemail.  Bean started calling too.  I got the the gas station about a mile down the road to get gas since I wasn't going to make it to Madigan anyways.  I also grabbed a soda & snack because I didn't realized this was going to be an all day thing.  The apple and water I brought was not going to last.  Bean got a hold of them and told me they would have it back at Bremerton at 2PM.  It was 1:55 so I went back to Bremerton.

I met the lady in the elevator that helped me before.  She told me not to grab a number but at 2:05 and 2:10 it went from "filled" to missing all together.  I grabbed a number just in case.  I was 460, they were on 439.  I waited a half hour, they only made it to 444.  I cut in line at a window and asked if they had my prescription in the system yet.  Still missing.  I turned around and walked out so I could just drive to Madigan.  

In the car I went to open my soda.  It exploded everywhere.  There I was in my wet pants and sticky steering wheel, even more pissed off than before.  I drove home to change my clothes.

This time Bean came with me.  I got there went right to the desk.  It was 3:15PM, I was sick of waiting.  The first person I just asked if the prescription was in, I wasn't going to grab a number to fill it if it wasn't even there.  This asshole tells me to "pick a number" and won't even help me.  I grab a number, 511, they are currently on 490.  OK, this is bull shit.  This was my third number and I've been waiting over two hours.  

I went to another window.  This lady at least looked it up.  They found it!  She told me to pick a number to have it filled.  OK, but I still don't want to have to wait.  I went over to the window of the lady I had before, the elevator lady.  (This has to be the best person I dealt with all day!)  She remembered me and put it in to get filled immediately.  About 15 minutes later my name was called and everything was set.  It was 3:45, I had waited just under 3 hours!  BTW number 511 hadn't been called by the time we left.  

Bean filled a complaint before we left because he was so upset at this.  Along with last weeks problem, when they lost my referral in early May, and Dr. Idiot refusing to do pretty many anything for me.  The IUI ($200) and IVF ($6,000) are really cheap here, that's why I stay on Tricare Prime insurance.  I can switch to Tricare Standard and get away from these people, but the cost of the IUI ($3,000) and IVF ($13,000) increase when I go out in town.

I waited three hours for them to fix someones mistake.  Least I think that's what happened.  Not sure if I just don't understand how this health care system works out here and I'm slow.  Or they are really bad at explaining it to me.  I seem to always running into trouble.  

-Selbe

The Chalkboard Project

I started my chalkboard project the other day.  I decided just to label it 0, 1, 2, 3 (hopefully 4, 5, 6...) weeks.  It kind of went with the other idea.    I started out with a brief history of the infertile me (and a little Bean).  I have a much longer list on the timeline page if anyone is interested.

That's it for now.

-Selbe

Behind the Glass

I think I'm going to have to be induced with Provera again.  It's a little upsetting.  The side effects are not the bad for me.  It's frustrating that I have to keep coming back to it.  I took it last April, then July, August and March.  I have extra here that I could take right now, but I'm saving it and holding off.  With my next RE appointment two weeks away they'll probably want to run more tests on me.  If I take the Provera now and it works quickly (probably not) then I could miss the specific testing days and have to wait another cycle for testing.  I'll just tough it out.  I'm about CD41 today and my cervix goes hard to soft over and over again.  My menstrual cramps are gone.  It seems so odd to have them so strong, then nothing.

I've been looking online for information about this doctor's office.  They seem to like to start women on Clomid before going to injectables, even if she has had no success on it before.  I did five rounds of Clomid last year, however I was never monitored via ultrasound.  Because there was no monitoring there was also no trigger shot.  With my past of not ovulated on Clomid 150mg, Dr. H wanted to get rid of Clomid all together and move me to Gonal-f (injectable) and Ovidrel (trigger).  I'm not sure that the new doctor will have the same opinion.  Clomid is not the worst thing in the world.  The side effects are not ideal, and it's not a needle.  It's just kind of territory that was already covered.  

I had a dream the other night about not being able to get the needles into my skin.  Ether my skin was leather or the needle was dull.  I just kept stabling myself over and over again in the stomach.

Attempt at Running

I went running today for the first time even pretty much.  I had a gym membership back in NH.  It's a chain gym so they are all over the US, except here.  I tried looking into a different gym here but so far the only one I like is double the price I was paying before.  This gym does have classes and other benefits that my old one didn't so I'm sure it's worth the extra money.  I just haven't come to terms with spending it yet.  I'm told I can get a free membership to the YMCA but it's a few towns over.  And an extra 10 minutes of driving time is probably going to used as an excuse for not going at all.  

I decided since I am new here and haven't seen much of the town that I'd just walk around and see it all by foot.  Which lead to running.  I'm not much of a runner.  I refer to myself as the fat kid.  I'm slow and have no coordination.  I'll see where it takes me.  My back and legs already hurt so that's good.

Still Standing

A couple people in the last few days have directed me over to Still Standing Magazine.  It's a new website launched this month about infertility and loss (pregnancy or infant).  I added myself to their monthly blog list.  They don't have too much on there yet but it does have promise. 

Behind the Glass

I did see this article, No Mother’s Day For Me, on Still Standing that mentioned Mother's Day is like sitting outside a candy store and watching everyone inside have fun.

This is interesting because I always describe it as similar.  I feel like I'm in grade school and everyone is allowed to go out for recess, but not me.  I got in trouble or didn't do my homework or something.  I have to stay inside.  Sitting next to the window I look out all my friends running around and having fun.  I wish I could be out there with them except I did something wrong and have to complete my punishment.

  

Only thing now I'm all grown up.  I'm infertile and still standing behind the window watching everyone have fun, smiling.  They are all so happy.  I can't figure out what I must have done wrong this time, what the cause of my punishment is.  How I can make it up?

I'm stuck behind the glass.  I can't find a way to the other side.  I sometimes pound on it, very few people hear me.  I am alone with tears running down my face.  Every once and awhile there is some hope, but it doesn't stay for long.

I feel like everyone I know is given something I want so much so easily.  It's just handed to them with little or no effort, sometimes they didn't even want it to begin with.  They go along with their pregnancies with little or no complications.  Their baby is perfectly healthy.   It's not like the car we want with all the features.  Or the new TV.  The want is something different.  We try and try and try, over and over again with so much hope.  Month after month, year after year.  Just hoping if this herbal tea, different drug or break from it all together works.  Then a miracle happens.  Only to find out the heart stopped, we go into labour early or the our baby is born stillborn.  We are left with nothing again.

This Mother's Day I will be behind the glass just like many other women struggling with infertility and the loss the their baby.  I will be alone and probably will not talk to anyone that day.  I will not be getting a handmade card, flower or chocolates.  Or even be getting a "Happy Mother's Day-to Be".  My child is no longer alive.  I would have been 25 weeks, 1 day on Sunday.  Any effort I have ever made at being a mother means nothing.  I will be forgotten, my baby will be forgotten.

“Happy Mother's Day”

It comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,

for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she works hard for just a chance,

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,

and yet she still has hope;

everyday is another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

- Saw this on a forum yesterday

-Selbe

Health Insurance & WIC

My Current Cycle

Each day goes by with no AF and all BFN.  I'm beginning to think I never ovulated.  Fuck.  Since my D&C my ovaries have begun shutting down again.  I wont get AF until they give me Provera again.  Maybe I'll start taking my Vitex again (I stopped after what I thought was O).  I'm going to be happy to start fertility drugs again and be monitored.    

My Insurance & Military Treatment Facilities

There are two main MTF (military treatment facility, military hospitals) in the area.  MTF Bremerton (US Navy) is 20 minutes away and the primary one I go to.  MTF Madigan (US Army) an hour away.  MTF Bremerton does basic OBGYN, low-risk pregnancy and low end fertility treatment (Clomid only, no trigger, injectables, IUI or IVF).  Since I have already done my five rounds of Clomid with no luck I am ready to move on.  In order for me to go to MTF Madigan I need a referral from my PCM (primary doctor) at MTF Bremerton, I just can't make an appointment there on my own.  

There are only a handful of MTF on the country that do more advanced fertility treatments.  Our last base was MTF Portsmouth, they didn't do much of anything there.  The closest to Portsmouth was 500 miles away in Washington DC (I believe).  So I was sent out into the civilian world.  Hence how I ended up at FCNE with Dr. H.

This is for Tricare Prime.  The only way I can get out of this referral system is downgrading to Tricare Standard.  I can see whatever doctor I pick in the civilian world (as long as they take Tricare) but have to pay copays.  Depending on your situation one can be better than the other.  But fertility treatment at a MTF tends to be cheaper than at a civilian doctor.

I'm hoping that my one natural pregnancy, although failed and ended with a miscarriage, means I'll have good odds with more advanced fertility treatments.  Though I've ovulated about five times in two years, I do have a good chance of getting PG when I ovulate.  IF I ovulate.

Referral Runaround

MTF Bremerton pissed me off yesterday.  At my appointment on Monday they told me my referral to MTF Madigan would be put in and in two days I could call up to make my next appointment.  

I called up yesterday (two days) to schedule my appointment.  The appointment line could not find my referral so they could not give me an appointment.

I called the referrals office.  They also couldn't find my referral, ether processed or waiting to be processed.

I then called my PCM that gave me the referral to begin with.  They couldn't find the doctor, or the referral and had no idea when they would.  Zero help.

Which left me only one option, call the appointment line and make another appointment with my PCM for another referral.

The appointment line only had two appointment available: A. in nine minutes; B. in two weeks.  Nine minutes just wouldn't work, and two weeks seems like a long wait for someone else's fuck up.  

So I drove there and talked to a couple people in person.  The PCM forgot to put the referral in.  I was informed a new one would be put in today and in two days (hopefully) I could make an appointment.  Which I'm sure in itself won't be for a month or so from now.  

WIC

I grew up in a family where getting food stamps, WIC or any other types of government programs was avoided as much as possible unless really needed.  It was an embarrassment.  My father says that times are changing and it's become less of an humiliation and more of people abusing the system.  I do believe there are many people out there abusing it, for as long as possible.  I also believe there are those that really do need it.  Our system just sucks at weeding out those that are abusing it and giving it to those that need it.  

I have been on government programs twice in my life.  I didn't have health insurance in my teens and early 20's, no job that offered it, no money to pay for private health care, and still in college.  I had government health insurance to remove cervical dysplasia, since that becomes worse if not taken care of.  Then another time to remove my tonsils since I was in a lot of pain and could not pay for the surgery out-of-pocket.  During this time I ate the same cheap food everyday and would donate blood to get free cookies and juice.  Though I was eligible, never during this time did I sign up for food stamps.   

I've also worked retail at several places that accepted food stamps (now EBT, no wait SNAP) and WIC. Again there are people out there that really do need food stamps.  Food stamps covers most food items. Every once and awhile I'd have a customer want to buy a "food item" and the card wouldn't accept it.  One example was years ago I had customer want to buy one of those tins filled with popcorn that stores sell around Christmas time.  The tins with not the greatest in the world but tolerable popcorn, and once you got done eating it (or throwing the stall shit out) a plastic bag was stuck in it and use around the house as a trash can, until it begins to rust.  She flipped out on me.  I've watched customers buy lobster, potato chips, soda pop, gum, and candy with food stamps.  Never fruits, vegetables or Ramen noodles.  I'm sorry, but if someone is broke and starving they have learned that if you eat certain foods they fill you up better than others, regardless of the calories.  And they know just how much sometimes cost.  I was limited growing up by my father on what I could buy at the grocery store to about $10/week.  One time I even got yelled at for wanting bread and milk in the same week.  Yes it was probably wrong on his part, and not something I'd do to my own child, but fuck I figured it out.  And now taxes are pulled from my crappy minimum wage job to pay for such programs. I don't really give a fuck that your Easter candy and not covered and how you "need" it.  Bitch to me and I'll tell you the real difference between a NEED and a WANT.  

Now moving on to WIC.  I like WIC better than food stamps because it does limit what you can purchase with it, such as only approved cereal, cheese, produce, formula, etc.  However WIC is a bitch for cashiers to ring out.  The WIC program requires cashier to go as far as writing their numbers perfectly (yes, they provide you a sheet on how to write a "7" correct).  Along with making sure the products are the correct type stated on the check and approved by WIC.  When a customer goes to use all her newly expiring WIC checks all at once it takes a great deal of time. 

I bring up this topic because Bean and I went to Wal-Mart late at night a few days ago.  When we got in line at 11:50PM there was only one person in front of us.  A lady, several years younger than myself, not married and with her daughter (about 1 year old) in the cart.  First off, it's almost midnight.  That child should be in bed asleep.  I don't understand why people don't have a sit bedtime and bring their kids out shopping late at night.  (Fuck, my six month old puppy even has a bedtime and falls asleep at 10PM, midnight the latest, each night!)  And then I looked at the belt and saw it.  Her separated stacks of groceries (baby food & formula) and the stack of EIGHT WIC checks right besides it.  

My infertile self got pissed.  She's broke, unmarried, has a child and for the next fifteen minutes I'm forced to stare at her in front of me.  Bean and I have been married for three years, have money (enough), a house, a dog, two cars and zero babies.  All I have to show for it is this shit and a dead baby.  Spectacular!  I looked at Bean and then her and mentioned something along the lines of "that is what you get when you don't use birth control".  Some days I admit, I'm just not a good person.

Not My Kind

Sometimes I wonder when I do get pregnant again how I'd react to other pregnant women around me that haven't had the same trials.  What if they got PG with little trying or on accident, instead of with fertility drugs, procedures and surgery?  Will I feel like they are not my kind?  Will I feel like I am above them? Especially if my pregnancy COST more (fertility treatment) than theirs?

Other Links

My old RE is offering a contest for a free IVF cycle.  This is only for those living in ME, NH, VT, MA, CT and RI.  You can enter to win by filling out the entry form here.  

An ultrasound device has been invented to work on smart phones.  I'd buy it if it wasn't $8k.  

-Selbe

One Year

Source

One year ago I start this blog.  Although I feel I haven't made it far in this past year, I have learned a lot. 

Last March I ditched my old OBGYN on base for one out in town.  This also ended my short time on birth control which was supposed to regulate my very irregular cycles.  I got my first ultrasound, which ended up being more awkward than anything.  I listened to the much younger than me, unmarried girl next to me be congratulated by the ultrasound techs.  She looked at me the whole time probably thinking I was pregnant just like her.  I also started my first round of Clomid that month.

In April, I realized Clomid wasn't working and took Provera to start my period again.  My Clomid dose got increased.  The OBGYN diagnosed me with minor PCOS.

In May, I actually ovulated with Clomid, but didn't get pregnant.  

In June, I get invited to a string of baby showers, one which I almost cried at.  Same story as May.

In July, my Clomid stopped working and my dose got increased for the second time.  Bean's semen analysis also came back borderline low and my blood test showed I just wasn't ovulating.

In August, I started my fifth and final round of Clomid.  I was sent to an RE after lack of response to the drug.  The RE diagnosed me with PCOS.  Bean & I also celebrated our second wedding anniversary.

In September, Bean's second semen analysis came back normal.  I replaced my Clomid with Vitex.  I had a second ultrasound which showed I was normal inside and had tons of follicles.  My blood work showed I had high estrogen.  And I learned an HSG is a lot more painful than they told me.  

In October, I went in for Laparoscopic Surgery and Hysteroscopy after they couldn't get the HSG tube past my cervix.  I also begin ovulating on my own.

In November, I gave Vitex a third try, first time trying to conceive after surgery.  RE suggested I move to injectables with TI, IUI or IVF instead.

A week before Christmas in December I learned I was pregnant.  My betas looked amazing.

In January, I began bleeding and was sent for an ultrasound where everything looked OK.  A week and half later I started bleeding again and was sent for an ultrasounds.  I saw my baby and it's heartbeat, then was told the baby is not going to make it.  After a few more ultrasounds the heart had stopped.  I had my D&C a day after my birthday.  Bean turned 32 and I turned 27 this month.

In February, I watched my beta numbers slowly head towards zero indicating I'm no longer pregnant.  

This March my beta numbers are still being watched.  I'm still waiting on my post D&C period to arrive.  And my second Hysteroscopy is booked for the end of the month.

I really hope this coming year is much better than the past.  I really hope when I update a year from now that I'm holding my new baby, or at least have one inside of me.

I don't know when I'm going to get my period again.  I've been cramping a lot lately, maybe soon?  

Honestly I feel like I don't even care anymore about being pregnant or having children.  I feel like the dream has gotten further away and even more unreachable.  To the point now I don't want to go through anymore medical procedures and spend my time tracking things.  I'm happy to move across country, move into our new house, met new people, and start my new job.  Leave my infertile self behind here.  I want to forget about this dream and have a bunch of unprotected sex for awhile.  Maybe someday the dream will come back to me.

-Selbe

Welcome ICLW!

Yay ICLW!  About me:  I'm 27, hubby is 32.  I have PCOS with irregular periods and no ovulation.  I did five cycles of Clomid last spring/summer.  Then switched to a herbal drug called Vitex.  I got pregnant in December.  First ultrasound went OK.  Second ultrasound my baby was 2 weeks behind with a weak heartbeat.  Third ultrasound the heart was even weaker.  Fourth ultrasound the heart had stopped.  I had a D&C at the end on January and am currently waiting for my cycles to come back (as regular as they are going to be) to try again.  Welcome!

Next topic...

I work retail.  I don't mind it, except the fact the pay is low.  The last two days I feel like I have had every pregnant women in the world come to me.  Like EVERY pregnant women.  I really hope they are all just fat or something, that would make me feel better.  I pretty sure they feel me out or something.  I have that effect with small children and dogs.  They just want to hang out with me even when I ignore them.  I don't get it.  It's like, "Oh this women just lost her baby, why don't I go show her my big belly and "cheer" her up", or something stupid.  

My co-worker who was pregnant in November/December time came to visit work today and show off her newborn.  We were never really best buddies to begin with.  She talked about the fetus a lot, I talked about my fertility drugs and surgeries.  She talked about how her back hurt because she was pregnant (obviously I forgot), I talked about how my back hurt because I was stuck working and standing for eight hours to pay for fertility drugs.  She didn't really care much about me.  The world revolved around her, which is common in fertiles.  She isn't a horrible person, I just can't stand listening to her talk for long periods of time about the fetus and I'd often cut the conversations short.  Anyways, baby came in today and I put on my "oh cute newborn" caring face.  Then she left and said she'd be back in a bit to visit again.  I hoped that wasn't the case since I was going on break soon.  Sure enough she found me when I got back.  Fuck!  She paid with a baby shower gift card and let me know someone had been generous to them.  That's nice.  I've been on fertility drugs longer than you've been pregnant, I couldn't even get a fucking $5 bib for free.  She started talking about how hard it is raising a newborn (and rewarding) and how she had to move in with her family for help.  It made me think of military families.  We get 10 days tops of our husbands being home.  Maybe he'll be around a bit more (nights and weekends) depending on the schedule.  But sometimes they are deployed or on a missions and they don't get to come home at all, for the birth or first months of life.  That or they are home for the 10 days and then fall off the face of the earth for months.  We live near no family.  Maybe someone will come out to help for a little bit.  But for the most part you are all alone.  Maybe I've already accepted that as "normal" life.  However, this women would be fucked if she was a military wife. 

I don't tolerate complaining all that well.  

Back to the bib.  I think one of these days I'm going to cry when someone gives me someone for my baby, even used.  I'll probably cry at my baby shower too.  Everything in the baby bin has been purchased or made by myself.  Getting a gift will show me someone really does care.  Even though baby #1 is dead, but for baby #2 maybe.  I can't really describe it but I feel like it will mean a lot after everything we have been through.  This is silly, they are just stupid gifts.  I shouldn't even care.  I'm strong, it's all about doing everything for myself.  I don't need to rely on anyone else.  Anyways my project of turning a baby bib into a memory book cover for my lost baby is finished.  I haven't gotten the book yet but the cover is done. 

I mentioned before how I thought miscarriage was different in fertiles verse infertiles.  Fertiles get pregnant after three months of trying, or even on accident.  Sure they miscarry and lose their baby too.  But if they really want a baby they will get pregnant in a couple months again.  I think because of this the miscarriage doesn't hit them as hard or affect them as much.  Not saying they are not sad.  But infertiles get pregnant after years of trying.  Sometimes after many IUI or IVF.  I wish I could make it so every women that has waiting this long or gone through these procedures and drugs be immune to miscarriage.  That everyone of them could carrying home a health baby from the hospital in 40 weeks.  That is not the case.  We have the same 25% of miscarriage rate and chances of other pregnancy complications, sometimes even more.  A few blogs posted the story of Mo this week.  She had 3 early miscarriages in the past, now at 22 weeks is being induces with the odds not looking good for her son.  I cried when I heard about them.  I cried for a complete stranger that I've never even met before.  That's what we do here.  This infertile community is there for one another.  We read each others depressing posts and check up on each other.  Miscarriage is different for infertiles.  It's not just another month or two of trying.  It's possibly month or years, maybe even never, of trying.  It's putting out more of your own money on infertility treatment.  I don't care how common miscarriage is.  We spent years dreaming of this, then given our dream to have it taken away far too soon.  What a tease.

The only way I can explain it:  Tell me your dream car.  We'll go to the dealership and look at it, maybe even test drive it for awhile.  I'll tell you I'm going to buy it for you and we pick out all the fancy options you want.  You update your Facebook status and tell everyone you know you are getting this car.  Tomorrow I'm going to tell you I was just kidding and laugh in your face.  This is infertility.  Replaces the car with your future child and it become 100 times worse.  

-Selbe

Recap of the Year

The positive:  I've had more cycles this year than I've had in the past eight or so.  Between my PCOS, being drugged with birth control as birth control, and being drugged with birth control to "fix" me, I average about 4 cycles a year.  Which I probably never ovulated during.  The feminine hygiene products I've had to buy this year, wow.  I usually buy a box and I'm set for a year or two.  Fuck I still have stuff in my bathroom that is 5 or 10 years old that I need to go through and throw out.   

Cycle #1 - March 16th

First cycle off birth control to regulate my cycle, not as birth control.  Last time I was on birth control as birth control... I don't remember when that was.  But I did do a shot of Depo-Provera while my husband was deployed in 2009/2010.  Then realized that was a silly idea since Bean wasn't home anyways.  It was a spur of the moment idea while I was at Planned Parenthood for something else.  After Depo wore off and I got my period Bean was home.  We didn't try at pregnancy, or really prevent it.  After a couple months I decided to try and figure out when I ovulate.  However, my cycle was 7 months long which is not uncommon for me.  After a few useless doctors visits I decided to ask my new OBGYN for Clomid, something I read about on the Internet for women like me.  Clomid 50mg it was.  CD14, CD18, CD20 came and gone with no positive OPK.  I was given Provera to end the cycle.  No ovulation. My due date for this cycle was December 23rd, 2011.

Cycle #2 -  April 24th

I'm increased to Clomid 100mg.  I got a positive OPK around CD16, but it didn't result in pregnancy.  I got my period on my own.

Cycle #3 - May 22nd

Clomid 100mg again.  Another positive OPK for CD18.  But no pregnancy.  Period again arrived on it's own.  This is better than nothing.  My due date was February 29, 2011, Leap day.  It's sad I still remember all these due dates.

Cycle #4 - June 22nd

This is going to be my month!  Clomid 100mg again.  But no positive OPKs and my progesterone results came back extremely low.  My body stopped responding to 100mg.  More Provera for me.

Cycle #5 - July 29th

Increased to 150mg.  Ovulation scheduled for during our vacation, great!  Except my body also stopped responding to 150mg also.  I'm given Provera again and sent away to an RE.  An OBGYN can no longer help these ovaries.

Cycle #6 - September 16th

Lots of testing, no real baby making.  I started a herbal drug called Vitex expecting it not to work, 'til I surprisingly got my period after 31 days.

Cycle #7 - October 17th

More Vitex but no baby making due to lap surgery during around the time of ovulation.  However I got a positive OPK and the progesterone blood work came back great.

Cycle #8 - November 16th

Decides to give Vitex some more time before moving on to injectable like RE suggested.  Results in a BFP right before Christmas with a due date for August 25th, 2012.  Baby's heartbeat was lost about a month later.  

Cycle #9 - January 26th - Current

If the ovulation date I have is correct then I should get my period on February 29th.

-Selbe

Dreams

Bean and I bought a puppy.

I wanted a small, short haired dog.

Bean wanted a Chow Chow.  Medium size with lots of furry fur.

I tried to compromise.  We got a Chow Chow.  He's red and was born October 21st.  He's not home yet, still too young.  But we are hoping this Sunday, as long as he gets a clean bill of health from the vet, he'll be able to come home.  

I mentioned in my post a couple weeks ago that I've never owned a dog before and I know nothing about them.  We've been slowly purchasing a bunch of puppy stuff from the pet store.  We got a crate (biggest purchase), food bowls, puppy toys, leashes, etc. for him.  The dog came to $800, one trip to the pet store was $300, plus other miscellaneous things being another $100.  This was OK with me since I already had in my mind how much the dog plus all the dog stuff would come to.  I actually thought ahead (verse impulse decisions).  That and I used to work at a pet store years ago so I have some idea what most things would cost.

I really wish most people would do this before deciding to have a kid (or forget their birth control).  It annoys me off so much when people complain how expensive baby stuff is.  Yes I admit, a lot of it is expensive.  But didn't you have some sort of common sense to get an approximate cost before hand?  I see this a lot on 16 & Pregnant.  I just don't get it.  I lost my virginity at 16, and I didn't come from that great of a family.  But I someone didn't end up pregnant.  Odd that!  

I work at a large retail store.  I had a young mom-to-be (late teens, early 20's) come up to me today so excited for the deal she was getting on a pack 'n play we sold.  I'm not really sure the exact price of an item but if I had to guess for my child I would say $100-300 for one is average.  (I've learned to not actually look to pick out a model number I want.  If I were to ever have a child I know whatever model number would no longer be made so there is no point.)  This young mom was excited the item was $160 but now $130.  Oh course I'm like whatever and smile because I'm paid to.  But then she starts talking about how she couldn't find one under $200, and that "not everyone has $200 to spend".  I compared $200 verse the cost of some fertility treatments.  Oh $200 seems so cheap.  (My ultrasounds alone are about $500, luckily my insurance covers that.)  I throw on my fake smile again.  I wish all people would think of the cost of raising a child (or puppy, or any animal) before getting the dick wet.  

I'm pretty sure the idea of "accidental pregnancy" is long gone from my dictionary.  I see myself (and other IF like me) going without birth control for over a year now, and having sex several times a week (if not more), with perfect timing still not pregnant.  How does an unplanned pregnancy actually work?  It seems right up there with the idea of unicorns and dragons now.  Sorry if I've offended anyone who has actually had one, or a unicorn.

I had lunch today with two co-workers, a diabetic one and a preggo one.  Preggo keep saying something about her fetus, not really sure what because it's best for me to tune her out and say "uh-huh" over and over again.  I was more interested in the diabetic who sticks needles in his stomach.  That's my next step in life, injectables NOT pregnancy.  I wanted to learn all about it.  Do you get used to it?  How do I stab myself with it, quick or slowly?  Pinch my tummy fat?  I've never given myself shots before.  

A friend of mine gave birth to her daughter today.  I'm happy for them.  But her due date was two days after mine for my first round of Clomid (this is the only due date I still remember.)  I can't help but to think "what if".  However there is no what if, because there was never anything in the first place.  Once again I've watched someone get pregnant, go though their whole pregnancy, and have their baby.  While I have made it absolutely nowhere.  Happy for them but sad for myself.

I found this article the other day.  Goodbye to the Children I Never Had by Leah Aaronson:

"...What about a situation where the person never actually existed? They existed only in my visions of what I wanted for myself, but not in flesh and blood. How can I say goodbye when I never even had the chance to really say hello? We never spoke or touched in life.

But in my dreams we did. In my dreams, it was all so real. I held them and cuddled them. They were so cute! Some had curly hair, some had straight; some were blonde headed (like their mom) and some had light brown hair (like their dad). They smiled and cooed. ... and I even allowed myself to dream about their wedding. They learned to walk. These children of my dreams brought home gorgeous artwork from school that I hung on the fridge. ...

These children existed - they seemed so real. Until I woke up and realized it was a dream. It was a dream that recurred for 25 years, in one form or another. The particulars may have changed, but the basic story line remained the same: I became pregnant, went through a birth, was granted a healthy child, and participated in the ensuing celebrations.

But this never happened. I never really said hello. And now it's time to say goodbye. Goodbye to the potential children, goodbye to that part of my life that allows this to happen, and goodbye to the dreams. I don't want to let the dreams go. I don't want to part with the potential that I can create life. ..."

Back to the puppy.  He's not just a puppy, he's a replacement for what I don't have.  I'm not stupid, and I'm being honest.  If I got pregnant on Clomid round #1, or round #5, or way before I even had to take fertility drugs we wouldn't be getting a dog now.  We are getting a dog because my ovaries failed, they failed at #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, they failed all together.  I failed.  Because I have nothing else.  Because my dreams are slowly slipping away.  Because someday I'll have to say goodbye to my dreams even when I don't want to.  A puppy is bittersweet.  I am happy I'll have something new to take care of.  I am sad because this feels like the start of saying goodbye to the dream and just moving on.  

I have a strong maternal instinct.  I will take care of the dog, just like I take care of my other pets and plants, because they are a life.  Because I am stuck in a shit hole of a world just like everyone else and there is nothing I can do about it but wake up every morning, drag myself out of bed and hold me head high.  I might as well make the best of it.  But I'll never forget the dream that never came true.  

-Selbe

CD22, 4DPO

Progesterone Effects

I have super bad acne and my boobs are more sore than ever on Clomid.  My progesterone must be pretty high.

-Selbe

CD24, 9dpo

Day 4

Source

I went back to work on Sunday.  We actually lost power due to an freak October snow storm and I got put in the back stocking shelves because I was not needed.  I was able to lift most of the heavy things.  Only a few things over 30 or 40lbs. I couldn't do.  Cat litter, water and all the normal heavy stuff I am able to lift (I impressed one guy by putting his 25 lb. weights in his cart for him).  My uterus was cramping Sunday and yesterday my back was hurting a lot, but nothing too bad that I need pain meds.  

And we hired a pregnant women.  One of "them".  The other side.  A fertile.  I'm not too pleased by this and I was really enjoying working with the older ladies that have already gone through menopause and the high school students.  I thought I'd be somewhat safe.  But I'm trying to be nice.  I asked about her fetus, when it was due and such.  Though every time I ask her something about the baby it turns into listening to her talk about it for five minutes.  That's way too long for this infertile.  I'm hoping to just not see her often.  I did send her to do something else far, far away from me Sunday.  

The bandaids were removed on Saturday.  The hole in my navel is still a little bloody and my lower one is scabbed over.  Navel piercing has closed. :(  I also have a large bruise under my navel and on my hand from the IV.  The incisions are not too painful though but every once and awhile I bump it and it becomes sore.

Gas bubbles are a bitch though.  I've been sleeping sitting up on my couch the last couple days.  Laying down causes the bubbles to go to my shoulders.  I've dragged my king size down comfortable out to it along with a bunch of pillows.  I just tried to lay down a little while ago and I didn't get any shoulder pain so I'm going to try the bed tonight.

I can even feel the bubbles if I press on my stomach.  I made Bean do it too because he thought I was insane.  The bloating is starting to go down too.

I've only taken Ibuprofen so far (mainly for the shoulder).  No Oxycontin yet.

I'm going to go with the +OPK on Sunday as being real.  I didn't get anymore + digital ones, but the cheap ones have been +.  Now they are slowly getting lighter.  When they are false positives they get dark, light, dark, light over and over again, not gradual.  If this is so AF will arrive the 13/14th.  

My post-op is Thursday for the RE to figure out what to do with me next.  Ether injections plus another drug like Clomid, IUI or IVF.  But I'm almost temped to just wait it out and keep taking my Vitex.  If two cycles that are fairly regular happen with just the Vitex I'd rather just keep taking that and try naturally.  The side effects are way less and it's a whole hell of lot fucking cheaper.  Maybe I'll get knocked up like a normal person?  

This cycle is a BFN though.  I tried my best to get Bean to have sex with me, even though we are not supposed to until at least Thursday.  Things I have tried:

• jerking him off
• giving him head
• got naked & showed him my boobs (this usually works)
• got in my favorite position
• offered to do some turkey baster trick (though I don't think we actually own a turkey baster, & now no one is going to come over for Thanksgiving after reading this)
• offered to have him come in a Softcup & insert it in me
•  told him to just come on my outsides & maybe some of the swimmers would make their way up (health class told me I could get PG this way)

Yup nothing worked.  Officially mark it as a loss.  I've heard you're are supposed to be more fertile after an HSG since the dye cleans out the tubes or something.  Not sure how true that is but I was hoping to try it out.  The crazy psychic told me August would be my month, which means a baby convinced in November-ish time.  I still have time! 

-Selbe

CD16, OPK-

What If

What IF: A Portrait of Infertility

I really just wanted to get the surgery over with Thursday so I was kind of disappointed when they told me it was canceled.  I thought I could easily pass off as a non-sick person.  I tried my best not to look exhausted and snotty when I arrived at the surgery center.  They had me change and started hooking me up to the machines before they took my temperature. But in all honestly it was probably for the best.  I was feeling really crappy and I'm sure I would have been even worse post-surgery.  I didn't feel anywhere near ready.

I talked to work and they were able to change the schedule for the new surgery date.  Bean has to work so I don't know if he'll be able to come pick me up now.  If not I'm sure I could find at least one person in the area to come get me and drop me off at home.  My post-op appointment at the RE is now November 3rd. 

I'm still shocked I got AF all on my own.  Every once and awhile I mention my insides hurt, somewhere around my ovaries or uterus.  I usually just pass it off as sore insides from rough sex or sore muscles from the gym (honestly those are probably better assumptions).  I had this happen about two weeks ago, even thought it might be O pains but that's a silly thought and just forgot about it.  Same thing the last couple days.  Turns out those pains are menstrual cramps.

Still don't get how my body can't work with Clomid 50, 100 and 150mg, but all of a sudden do its job when I have nothing at all in my system.  Only thing I can think of is my Vitex worked.  I'm never really sure about herbal medicine.  I always figure if they really work then the drug companies would have found some way to market them by now.  I'm not really sure how that works.  Maybe I even ovulated?

So goals for the next few weeks:

• Lap Surgery (take two) - October 27th CD11
• Saliva Ferning (maybe) - CD7+
• OPK - CD12+
• Post-Op - November 3rd CD18

-Selbe

CD5

Blood Work 9/18

Dear AF, please never let CD3 be on a Sunday again.  My RE has offices all over New England, including one about 25 minutes from me.  The local office is open Monday-Saturday, the main one over an hour away is the only one that is open Sundays.  I tried talking them into CD2 or CD4 BW, didn't work.  And the wait time is LONG on Sundays.   

	Results	What It Does
FSH	Normal	Gauge of ovarian reserve.
Estradiol	High	Abnormally high levels on CD3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.
LH	Normal	Normal LH level is similar to FSH. Ovulation hormone.
Prolactin	Normal	Pituitary gland.
TSH	Normal	Thyroid.

Source

I started out with Lawanda or Dildo Cam (vaginal ultrasound).  I didn't realize it was going to be a vaginal one, CD3 and tampon and all.  I guess that's the only type they do there.  They at least let me look at the screen at the end, which the local hospital forbids unless I'm knocked up.  So I got to see my uterus.  Looks like every other uterus I guess.  They didn't mention a cyst or anything else that could be wrong.

My appointment ended with 10 vials of blood on an empty stomach.  Everything came back normal except my Estradiol (Estrogen).  This has always been assumed to be fucked up since I'm labeled "estrogen sensitive" after my love of hugging the porcelain god every time I'm on estrogen-based birth control.  Now I have a good excuse to blame my horrible moods on.  (Which happens to be this whole week.)

High Estrogen Symptoms:  (I did this for PCOS awhile ago)

• I Have: Mood Swings (along with every other female), Cramps (I'm good for those), Depression (along with every other IF), Unexplained Weight Gain (I'm fat?), Fatigue (if my allergies hate me),  Allergies (queen of those), Memory Loss (I have my days), Acne, Irregular Periods, Facial Hair (I guess?), Migraines (a couple a year), Nausea/Vomiting, Breast enlargement (they are a nice size?), Cold Body Temperature (I'll drop to 94°F easily), Sleep disturbances (light sleeper), Sugar cravings (& meat), Not ovulation (this blog wouldn't exist if I had fucking eggs), Cervical dysplasia (I rock dysplasia), Occasional skipped periods (I don't think "skipped" should be used in my case), Feeling crazy (woo hoo!)
• I Don't Have: PMS, Uterine Fibroids, Osteoporosis, Hot Flashes (not since I was a teen), Thinning Hair (my hair is really thick), Breast Tenderness, Miscarriage (I've never gotten that far), Low Sex Drive (sucks for those people), High Blood Pressure (try low), Inflammation (of?), Vaginal yeast infections, Leg cramps, Water Retention, lumpy breasts (breast come in lumpy? like cottage cheese?), Cystic Ovaries, Heavy menses, Breast cancer, Gallbladder problems

I wish the tests showed more.  

I had an old lady at work ask me if I had any babies yet after seeing my engagement and wedding ring last week. The elderly can be so sweet sometimes, but they don't realize what they are saying.  Anyways that was also the last time I wore my rings to work.  To be honest if I had any "babies" I'd be at Panera Bread with all the other mommy friends instead of working at retail hell. (This is probably going to piss people off, read above about horrible moods.)  But I don't mind working at retail hell (most days).  I do an amazing job.  On my hungover days I still do my job at the normal level.  And I don't have to deal with all this broken crap while I'm there.

After my HSG on on Tuesday they'll figure out what to do with me based on the results of the HSG, todays BW and U/S.  I'd just like hang out on Vitex/Metformin for awhile, rather than more Clomid/Femara/Provera and injecting myself.  I'm OK with taking a break for awhile, possibly forever.  

Website that shows the normal levels of all the hormone BW and what they mean: http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hormonelevels.html

-SelbeCD3

The Pit

After five cycles of Clomid (current one I did nothing), and three rounds of Provera (current one also a bust), saying I'm disappointed would be an understatement.  I am heartbroken.  And not over just the fact that I am not PG yet, but that I responded so poorly.  My hope is down to nothing right now.

Over the past couple years I have watched most of my friends become pregnant, give birth and start their families.  Thanks to Facebook I even get to see the guys I dated in the past start their families too. I can't help but wonder "what if", but I know if is all me.  I'm happy for them but I feel like they are flying past me.  I feel like I'm in this pit with zero chance of catching up.  And there is nothing for me to do except watch.

So many nights I lay in bed with tears rolling down my face, sometimes for hours.  I think of my lack of family, and how I'm not really close to anyone in it.  I think of my pet who I watch slowly get worse month after month.  Again there is nothing I can do except watch.  Or my useless ovaries and how I may never see my own children.

My life feels like so little.  My family doesn't even seem to really miss me.  My pet is going to die anyways.  I have no children to relay on me.  If I had to look at my own life in the eyes that are around me I'd have to say it has a pretty low value.  Now that we are heading into the winter season (and some hurricanes) I told work I'd come in during the snow storms if they need someone.  I'd rather myself go than someone who has a family.  If someone if going to drive off the road I'd rather have it be myself than someone with a couple kids.  Not like I'm heading anywhere spectacular in life anyways.

I don't know what else to do except cry sometimes.  I have to build acceptance that I may never get to hold my baby in my arms.  I have to move on.

Somedays I want to just run away to a place where all these problems do not exist.  I'm pretty sure that place also doesn't exist.  I feel like I'm forever suck in this shit hole just waiting for the tiny glimpse of light.  Maybe one of these days I'll get to see it.

CD49, this is fucking crap

What I Want

We got a referral from our health insurance so Bean will be doing semen analysis #2 on Wednesday.  SA #1 came out with borderline low count.  The last SA was done at a local hospital.  He took care of the business at home and then delivered them to the hospital.  Only thing is he needed to get them there within 60 minutes.  By the time you get them in the cup, drive the 30 minutes to the hospital, and then wait in line to drop them off, it is cutting it close.  That and we didn't really "withhold" long enough.  

SA #2 is done at the RE office.  I have to day off to I can go too!  Though I'll probably just be in the waiting room the whole time.  They don't need my saliva mixed in with the sample. :/ Maybe we'll get the results the same day?

Source

I have more bloodwork to check for PCOS later this week, or whenever Provera brings AF on so my next cycle can start.  One half of me is excited to find out.  For years I'm been telling doctors that this is the most likely thing wrong with me (I've done A LOT of research) and I've always been pushed around.  Finally proof there is something wrong with me.  

But the other half of me fears it.  I don't want to have PCOS.  I don't want to be infertile any longer.  I want to be a normal women.  But there is something wrong with me.  Normal women get AF about the same number of days each month.  Normal women ovulate.  Normal women get sore boobs.  Normal women don't do this crappy on Clomid.  Normal women don't get a fucking 1.7 on a progesterone test.  I am not normal.  I might not want PCOS but I know that if this isn't it then there is something else wrong with me.  Possible something else that they can't fix, even with the most advanced and expensive fertility drugs.  

If I have to take my pick, I'll go with PCOS.  Because I know my body isn't going to fix itself.

CD39