Sunday, March 18, 2012

Being Happy For Pregnant Women

I went to work today and worked a 8.5 hour shift.  I thought about not going in at all.  My back hurt from working late the night before, I was tired, and still nauseous.  But I sucked it up.  

I mentioned my 19-year-old co-worker that accidentally got pregnant.  She is 20-ish weeks along now.  It just kind of upsets me that my baby was planned and took a lot of trying, only for it to die.  I see her and the healthy  baby bump everyday.  It's very hard to look at her some days.  Or hear other co-workers talking about the baby.  She calls out A LOT... for being pregnant.  I've never made it past 10 weeks, my input and experience doesn't count much.  But I think of all the times I went to work during my miscarriage, and then returning back the day after my D&C.  I sucked it up and showed up.  Pregnancy is not an excuse!  Nor is a miscarriage.  It was my own fault for getting pregnant, I wanted it.  Even during my miscarriage I was called in to cover her ass. Doesn't it seem odd that I'm the one in the middle of losing my baby, and I'm having to cover for someone who got pregnant on accident.  I don't blame the company, I chose to go in and get on with my life.  It seems ironic.  

During my long shift today I realized I wish was I was more happy for those that are pregnant around me.  Sometimes it's hard to show that I'm happy for someone that has gotten something I want so easy.  (Other infertile women I am much more tolerant of.)  I understand it's a happy time in their life, it'd be a happy time in my life too.  If I was them.  It's hard to be ecstatic for someone when all you feel is pain inside.  I wish I could see it from their eyes.  That's a new goal, although I think an unrealistic one.  I've been infertile for too long.  

I wish I could see the happiness and not pain.

I am happy for them deep down, even though most of the time I don't show it.  But I also very sad for myself.  I wish God (or narwhal god) would make them wait a month or two longer, and give myself or another infertile a chance.  But this isn't pick a number like at the local deli.  It's not first-come, first-served.  It's more like a gamble.  Sometimes we are hanging out at the deli for way too long waiting for our turkey.  Only to watch person after person cut in line and get served.  The only thing we can do is stand off to the side, because saying something is socially unacceptable.  Our biggest fear: we finally do get up there and there is no turkey, or ham or yummy cheddar cheese left.  There is nothing left for us.

I wish I was better at throwing on a face smile and saying "congrats".  

Please pray to narwhal god that my next cycle (April) shows happiness again.
Provera #4

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