Moving

Some changes in my life.  I might be moving over here:  http://notsobrokenbird.blogspot.com

-Selbe

IVF Wait List?

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I've mentioned in the past about how I'm on a waiting list to do IVF.  If you don't know why then read some of my posts from the past.  But the short answer is because it's cheap.

In May at my first appointment at the RE I asked to be put on the IVF wait list even before I did the IUI's.  I knew the wait list was a year long.  If an IUI worked then I'd take myself off the list and give someone else my spot.  If it didn't work then I wouldn't be waiting so long for IVF.  I was given April as my tentative date and was told I'd be added to the list.

Another time in June I was asking about my spot on the list.  They couldn't locate me because the nurse said there was no "find" option in the program.  Which I'm sure wasn't true.  But she swore I was on there and if she couldn't find me she'd add be right away and mark it that I wanted to move up if I spot become available.  Not everyone is interested in moving up.

I called a month ago and asked if April was still my date, no one ever returned my call.

So I've still been assuming April is my IVF date.  I'm going to be pretty pissed if March comes around and I find out I'm not even on the list.  

I'm part of a forum online for this doctor's office.  One women mentioned tonight that she got moved from June to March, skipping two month in-between.  That's weird because shouldn't someone with an IVF date of April or May move up to March, not someone in June?  They never called me about the opportunity.

I asked her what month she was added to the list, thinking maybe it was before me.  October, as in a month ago!  Not May like me.

Someone who was added less than a month ago gets March, but I was added six months before I have April.  

I have nothing against this person.  But Madigan RE does have some explaining to do.  They ether never put me on the list, or they are taking people out of order.  Both seem unfair to me.  Waiting an extra month isn't that bad.  But if I'm re-added to the list now my IVF date will be fall or winter of 2013.  That just doesn't seem fair.  I will voice my concerns at my appointment next week.  If it doesn't get figured out then I'll spend the extra money and switch to another RE for IVF.  I can't take much more of Madigan's bullshit and misinformation.  

-Selbe

Extra Sperm

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I paid about $150 to freeze Bean's sperm last summer, and then $40 a month to keep it frozen.  I've been debating what to do with it after the news.

1.  Keep it frozen for IVF.  It's horrible quality but IVF doesn't care the count or if they are swimming.  Only thing is my IVF date is at least 6 months off and I have to pay each month until then.  But if my IVF date come up and my husband is on a business trip, well I have to put IVF on hold.  

2.  Give IUI another try, even though it's far for ideal quality.

3. Discarded it, just medical waste.  Then use fresh for IVF and IUI.

I called SRM up and asked about destroying it.  Come to find out it's a lot of paperwork and Bean needs to be here in person.  So #1 and #2 seems like easier options.  Maybe I'll just do another IUI.

-Selbe

PCOS Walk

This past weekend I did my first PCOS mini walk via the PCOS Foundation.  One of local women organized it and we did laps around the mall that equaled a mile in length.   And then we had Cinnabon because sugar and carbs are great for those with PCOS.  Anyways it was only a group of a few of us, but I met some great women.

I did ovulate on my own with just Metformin this cycle.  So the Met is working or I just have leftover fertility drugs in my system.  Ovulation means no Provera to start my period.  

Madigan is preping me for another monitored cycle.  I'm not going to do any drugs or IUI though.  But they did have me do a bunch of blood work last week and more this coming week.  I know Friday they tested my thyroid and my results seemed fine.  I think I have a mid-cycle ultrasound for about two weeks from now.  Most likely Halloween-ish time or early November.

My tattoo is doing good.  At first there was little bits of skin coming off.  Then the week after it became really itchy.  That point I kept putting A&D on it, but then read I might be over using it.  It has been much better now.  If I run my fingers over it I can still feel it raised up a bit but that will go away in time.

I get pictures of Coral every week.  The last couple weeks she has been wet but they as assured me she has a habit of with wanting to play in the water dish and will look much better upon arrival.  Her flight out is on November 3rd.  I keep calling her Coral Lee but not sure if I will keep that or just plain Coral. 

-Selbe

What About Me?

As I was standing in the check out line at the grocery store the other night the cashier noticed the couple in front of me with the newborn baby.  Of course the cashier began adoring the baby.  My mind was filled with all the bitter things that one infertile could think of.  Along with the "I fucking hate babies" thought.  But the second though that came into my head: "what about me?"  

You can't really tell how long a couple has been TTC by just looking at them.  They could have been TTC for a whole two months, or did IVF after five years.  I admit I automatically go with the first of those two options.  Odds are they couldn't tell you much about most fertility treatments.  The "what about me" question pops into my head when, even though I have no proof, I believe I have been waiting longer for my baby while someone else is getting attention for their newborn.  I think of not just the months we have been TTC for, but years.  I have "done my time" with fertility treatment and think of my past loss.  To be absolutely honest I'm envious.  I wish some cashier (or anyone) was looking at my baby and tell me how beautiful s/he was.  But they are not.  I fall off the radar.  I am non-existent because I'm not a mommy.

I deserve some good attention.  Not some depressing crap when people ask how my fertility treatment is going.  It's going just as crappy as the last time they asked.  But I'd love for someone to look at my big belly, or my newborn or child, and compliment it.  

One of the things that upsets me the most and I was never given a chance at being a mother.  We can think for great mothers out there.  But we can also all think of horrible ones ether from the news or those we actually know.  The women that doesn't deserve to be mothers, or can't take care of the children she already has.  I'm not saying I'm going to be the absolute best mum on the face of the planet, no one it that.  But I have to be better than some of those other examples.  Why is it when the stork comes around to give their baby handouts for the month I am always passed up?  And every other infertile women.  Honestly, we can't be that bad of a future mother.  We are never even given a chance at parenthood.  Not even one tiny bit of chance.  Or worst yet, we are given a chance the baby is taken away from us.  

We have a great home here.  The baby will have his or her own room with painted walls to match the gender.  There will be a new crib and everything else will be brand new.  The best products for 2012, and everything checked for safety.  The SUV we bought last year is awesome.  The yard is a decent size and fenced in.  The baby will have a college fund before even being born.  We are financially stable enough that I can stay home and take care of the child for the first five years of their life.  Fuck I think I almost described a yuppie.  But whatever, none of that seems to be good enough.

The feelings that go with infertility is so complex.  I honestly don't believe one could even understand the emotions unless they have been in the shoes.  There is no "fairness" or waiting your turn.  Sometimes it so hard to justify what is happening.  The only thing we can hold onto is the quote: "everything happens for a reason".  But after a couple years honestly, what is the fucking reason?

The Future

Many days I just want give up on fertility treatment.  Even if money was unlimited, I don't want to do another IUI, I don't want to do IVF, I don't ever want to see Clomid or any of it's fucking friends again, and I hate OPKs.  No more!  I just want to be left alone.  I don't want a newborn, I don't want a child, I like my sleep and freedom.  I want to spend all my money on myself, I want to take off without needing a babysitter.  I want to keep my current body with my non-sagging breasts, and kinda flat stomach.  

And there is my husband with his one fucking million sperm he left me.  I am still angry at that.  It seems like his count keeps getting lower and lower over time.  I asked him to take the CountBoost or FertilAid but he told me those had the some vitamins and such as his regular multivitamin that he already takes.  I never looked into whether that was true or not, nor do I know if he even takes those multivitamins on a daily basis like he should.  What about the occasional alcoholic drink he has?  Or his stressful job?  The last two IUIs were great on my end, one and two eggs.  My cervix isn't a problem since they bypass it with the IUI.  My right fallopian tube isn't a problem since I know at least one egg went down my left tube.  I am left feeling like I should be pointing fingers and you can take a good guess who at.  

Some days I say it's OK I don't have children, or at least anytime soon.  I told Bean years ago if we never have kids I'm getting my boobs picked back up once they begin to sag.  I think the surgery cost less than IVF.  I might even be able to get it done for free if I can convince my health insurance my real boobs cause me emotional pain.  Because it's not like infertility cause anyone emotional issues, ever.  No one gives a fuck about that.  But new plastic boobs, well can't have me crying and being self-conscious about the pair I have now, can we?

I fucking hate life.  

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And I don't think there is a God anymore, not that I was 100% sure to begin with.  There I said it, and offended a few people.  I didn't grow up with too much religion in my life.  But somewhere I got in my mind that if I pray enough everything things would be alright and whatever I needed would be given to me.  I did pray, many times.  I'm also done blowing out birthday candles, wishing on stars and throwing pennies into a fountain for the same wish.  I'm sick of answering the same thing each year when Bean asks me what I want as a gifts for holidays.  It's been years since I've asked for a gift other than "baby".  And yes, I equated blowing out candles to prayer.  If there is a God I'm pretty sure he despise me or something, and my feelings seems to be heading that way too.  It's going on three years, God hasn't answered my prayers yet.  Unless you want to count the time I did get PG and it was taken away soon after.  I'd honestly rather of never been pregnant to begin with than be pregnant for a month and lose the baby.  I loved my baby boy but there is pain even today.  I still don't make it a whole week without crying about it.  For Christmas this year I want a really expensive piece of electronics, not even sure what.  And for the birthday, just let me eat the cake.  Fuck you candles.  If I'm stuck on this miserable earth I might as well have fun.  God, we are done.  

Next up on the list of spontaneous and random ideas I have:  skydiving.

Sometimes I look at the last ultrasound photo I have of my baby and think of how beautiful he was.  You can't see his face, or arms or much of anything.  But for some strange reason I find that blob to be beautiful.  

-Selbe