Monday, March 12, 2012

Five Stages of Loss - Month Two

The five stages of loss, for two months after my miscarriage. 

1. Denial & Isolation - Denial, none.  It happened.  I still feel like a distance myself from those around me.  I really do try though.  This is my last month in this area and probably the last time I'll see many of my military friends.  So I do try to get out there for the last get togethers.  I know once I move I won't have that many friends for awhile, being new and all.

2. Anger - I feel much more calm now.  I'm still sad it happened, I wish my baby didn't have to die.  But I'm also not extremely angry at other pregnant women.  Every once and awhile I make a hateful remark but I feel less bitter overall than after my miscarriage and some days before I even got pregnant.  

3. Bargaining - None, again what am I even going to bargain for?  It's already done.

4. Depression - I still get out of bed every day.  I still go to work.  I still come home and feed and take care of the pets.  My miscarriage isn't affecting my day to day life.  I don't feel like I am depressed.  Sure I am sad.  Anyone who would say it wasn't a sad experience is a heartless bitch.  

5. Acceptance - I have accepted.

I have improved since last month.

Not caring about trying for a baby again has helped me heal.

Right after my miscarriage I wanted to try again and get pregnant again as soon as possible.  Then a couple posts back I mentioned I didn't care for TTC much anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I still want children and all.  However, the TTC effort has decreased a lot.  I am almost even afraid to get pregnant again.  Being pregnant doesn't mean 40 weeks and I bring a healthy baby home from the hospital, least not for me anymore.  Seeing those double lines automatically makes me think I'm going to relive this experience.  At any one of those ultrasounds my baby will now be dead, that I will have to go through a D&C and all the other testing I've had since.  Pregnancy will now never be the same for me.

This not really caring attitude has helped me a lot.  I almost asked a pregnant women at work when her due date was.  Then decided that was pushing it for me.  Another guest came to me with a container of those gummy prenatals vitamins.  I mentioned how much I love them (they really are good, I could eat the whole container in one sitting).  She told me they're good but she couldn't really take them 'til the afternoon, because "you know why".  I looked at her confused, I can take mine in the morning, night, whenever.  Sometimes several times a day.  Then I realized she actually takes them for pregnancy.  Odd that.  Then said my baby had died (bringing out the happy train) and that they have extra folic acid (good to take any time).  I didn't ask her due date ether.  She wasn't showing so it was probably close or after mine.  

Hearing about women that are close to my due date upsets me.

I overheard another conversation with a women saying her due date was August 26th, a day after mine.  Those are the ones I fear the most.  The ones due right around the same time as I was.  I'd be close to 17 weeks right now.  Wow that's a big number.  I would be finding out the sex soon.  I'd have a baby belly soon, if I didn't already.  I would have already bought maternity clothes.  I'd start feeling my baby move.  My pregnancy would be almost half over.  That's where I could have been.  That's not where I am though.  I need to let it go.  Sometimes it is hard though, seeing where I could have been put right in my face.  Sometimes by people that are ignorant and don't realize how lucky they have it.

My dizziness is getting better.

My pregnancy bloody nose has stopped, along with my dizziness.  I've been sick so I think my constant snotty nose as kept it from drying out.  Last week my ENT gave me stuff to lubricate (?) the inside of my nose to help.  I didn't think I would need it since it seems to be healed.  Until yesterday, it started bleeding again.  Shit.  Hopefully the dizziness won't come back with it.  So far all I've had is nausea this week.  And my blood pressure has dropped to 110/70 (it was kind of high the few weeks after the D&C).

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