Second Ultrasound - Part 1

I started this blog early last March after we really started trying.  Before then we didn't use any birth control or condoms and thought we'd get PG, you know just of like everyone else does.  Then I really wanted was a pregnancy blog.  Even picked out a name for it and a template.  I thought I would get to use it soon, but got impatient of waiting and just started a journey to pregnancy blog instead.  I'm sure it wouldn't be long, a couple months.  Unfortunately it has been almost a year later, I've forgotten the name I picked out and this blog has been far from the rainbows a PG one would have been.  But I will continue with the blog because it is a story.  Hopefully someday they'll be a "happily ever after" but it is not going to be today.  I need to share my story because there are so many other women going through the same thing.  

Bean got the morning off work yesterday to drive me to my ultrasound appointment.  I originally told him he didn't need to go.  We headed there very happy, we should see the baby and heartbeat.  My PG symptoms became a lot worse this week so I'm sure the baby was fine.  

We went in the u/s room, I emptied my bladder, undressed and the tech started with the scan.  I could tell it had grown.  The yolk sac was much more visible.  She zoomed in and we saw something attached to it, and blinking.  My baby and its heartbeat!  She did a measurement of the baby and it came up 5w6d.  That's odd, I'm 7w6d.  Maybe they measured it wrong.  She recorded its heartbeat and it came out 86bpm.  Tech said that was really low and measured it again and again while I held my breath.  She wasn't able to get a number much higher but said maybe it just started up.  She printed out some photos, left and we waiting for the RE (not one I normally see or have ever met before) to come in.  I was happy.  There was a baby now, and it was alive with a heart! 

7 weeks 6 days measuring 5 weeks 6 days

The RE came in.  She said I'm very far behind, that it hasn't grown enough since the last u/s, and it's heartbeat is very weak.  She said they is something wrong with it, that I will most likely MC soon, and this will probably be the last time I see the heartbeat.  

My baby is going to die?  Tears began rolling down my face.

After that the tears just kept coming.  I didn't pay much attention.  She talked about how this was a case of abnormal chromosomes.  The baby wouldn't survive out of my body and this was the way it was ending its life now.  It wasn't my fault.  And that we were lucky that now we know my body can carry a baby.

None of those things helped.

I don't care how abnormal chromosomes growth is "common", "normal" or "happens frequently".  I'm infertile.  I did my time with the drugs, and procedures, the surgery.  All the other women have done their time with IUI or IVF.  We are not just women that get PG on accident or after a month or two of trying.  We should opt-out of this, but we don't.  

It wasn't my fault is a joke to tell anyone who has had a loss.  Honestly I did everything right, I'm watched people do a lot worse in their PG and deliver healthy babies.  But I'm still going to believe I did something wrong.  I think any sane person would.

And I am far from "lucky".  I'm the same infertile I've always been.  I don't see how making it to a whole 6 weeks is lucky.  What about the other 34?

They left us in the room crying for awhile before I got up and said I just wanted to go home.  I didn't say much on the way home, just looked out the window with tears rolling down my face.  Finally before mentioning I really had to pee (story of my life right now.)  I went into some random gas station bathroom with tears in my eyes.  Then back out to the car in the same fashion.

I added a video I record off the monitor.  The flashing and wiggling thing is the baby and heartbeat.

Continue to Part 2...

-Selbe