Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Welcome ICLW!

Yay ICLW!  About me:  I'm 27, hubby is 32.  I have PCOS with irregular periods and no ovulation.  I did five cycles of Clomid last spring/summer.  Then switched to a herbal drug called Vitex.  I got pregnant in December.  First ultrasound went OK.  Second ultrasound my baby was 2 weeks behind with a weak heartbeat.  Third ultrasound the heart was even weaker.  Fourth ultrasound the heart had stopped.  I had a D&C at the end on January and am currently waiting for my cycles to come back (as regular as they are going to be) to try again.  Welcome!

Next topic...

I work retail.  I don't mind it, except the fact the pay is low.  The last two days I feel like I have had every pregnant women in the world come to me.  Like EVERY pregnant women.  I really hope they are all just fat or something, that would make me feel better.  I pretty sure they feel me out or something.  I have that effect with small children and dogs.  They just want to hang out with me even when I ignore them.  I don't get it.  It's like, "Oh this women just lost her baby, why don't I go show her my big belly and "cheer" her up", or something stupid.  

My co-worker who was pregnant in November/December time came to visit work today and show off her newborn.  We were never really best buddies to begin with.  She talked about the fetus a lot, I talked about my fertility drugs and surgeries.  She talked about how her back hurt because she was pregnant (obviously I forgot), I talked about how my back hurt because I was stuck working and standing for eight hours to pay for fertility drugs.  She didn't really care much about me.  The world revolved around her, which is common in fertiles.  She isn't a horrible person, I just can't stand listening to her talk for long periods of time about the fetus and I'd often cut the conversations short.  Anyways, baby came in today and I put on my "oh cute newborn" caring face.  Then she left and said she'd be back in a bit to visit again.  I hoped that wasn't the case since I was going on break soon.  Sure enough she found me when I got back.  Fuck!  She paid with a baby shower gift card and let me know someone had been generous to them.  That's nice.  I've been on fertility drugs longer than you've been pregnant, I couldn't even get a fucking $5 bib for free.  She started talking about how hard it is raising a newborn (and rewarding) and how she had to move in with her family for help.  It made me think of military families.  We get 10 days tops of our husbands being home.  Maybe he'll be around a bit more (nights and weekends) depending on the schedule.  But sometimes they are deployed or on a missions and they don't get to come home at all, for the birth or first months of life.  That or they are home for the 10 days and then fall off the face of the earth for months.  We live near no family.  Maybe someone will come out to help for a little bit.  But for the most part you are all alone.  Maybe I've already accepted that as "normal" life.  However, this women would be fucked if she was a military wife. 

I don't tolerate complaining all that well.  

Back to the bib.  I think one of these days I'm going to cry when someone gives me someone for my baby, even used.  I'll probably cry at my baby shower too.  Everything in the baby bin has been purchased or made by myself.  Getting a gift will show me someone really does care.  Even though baby #1 is dead, but for baby #2 maybe.  I can't really describe it but I feel like it will mean a lot after everything we have been through.  This is silly, they are just stupid gifts.  I shouldn't even care.  I'm strong, it's all about doing everything for myself.  I don't need to rely on anyone else.  Anyways my project of turning a baby bib into a memory book cover for my lost baby is finished.  I haven't gotten the book yet but the cover is done. 

I mentioned before how I thought miscarriage was different in fertiles verse infertiles.  Fertiles get pregnant after three months of trying, or even on accident.  Sure they miscarry and lose their baby too.  But if they really want a baby they will get pregnant in a couple months again.  I think because of this the miscarriage doesn't hit them as hard or affect them as much.  Not saying they are not sad.  But infertiles get pregnant after years of trying.  Sometimes after many IUI or IVF.  I wish I could make it so every women that has waiting this long or gone through these procedures and drugs be immune to miscarriage.  That everyone of them could carrying home a health baby from the hospital in 40 weeks.  That is not the case.  We have the same 25% of miscarriage rate and chances of other pregnancy complications, sometimes even more.  A few blogs posted the story of Mo this week.  She had 3 early miscarriages in the past, now at 22 weeks is being induces with the odds not looking good for her son.  I cried when I heard about them.  I cried for a complete stranger that I've never even met before.  That's what we do here.  This infertile community is there for one another.  We read each others depressing posts and check up on each other.  Miscarriage is different for infertiles.  It's not just another month or two of trying.  It's possibly month or years, maybe even never, of trying.  It's putting out more of your own money on infertility treatment.  I don't care how common miscarriage is.  We spent years dreaming of this, then given our dream to have it taken away far too soon.  What a tease.

The only way I can explain it:  Tell me your dream car.  We'll go to the dealership and look at it, maybe even test drive it for awhile.  I'll tell you I'm going to buy it for you and we pick out all the fancy options you want.  You update your Facebook status and tell everyone you know you are getting this car.  Tomorrow I'm going to tell you I was just kidding and laugh in your face.  This is infertility.  Replaces the car with your future child and it become 100 times worse.  


  1. I had two early miscarriages before my husband and I actually started trying. We were just never careful before - just highly unlucky. I felt sad, but I got past it fairly quickly each time, I mean don't get me wrong I was crushed, but I was young and I felt "it happened for a reason". I think very differently now. My last miscarriage in Nov at 10 weeks destroyed me. Seriously crushed the life right out of me. We put so much into it... our hearts were ripped out. Thanks for sharing! I'm glad I found your blog :)

    1. Thank you for your comment. I have fertile friends that are like miscarriage, oh well. I'm still sitting here crying, sometimes not even for me, but other women that have lost their babies. (I hope this is some early BFP symptom or something.) Anyways it seems like it really hits infertile women a lot harder.

  2. Selbe-your story breaks my heart. Would you mind telling when you got your ultrasounds? I've never even gotten that far, so I don't know when the REs start doing all that. I pray things go your way soon!

    1. Sure!
      6w3d - saw a gestation & yolk sac
      7w6d - saw a heartbeat for 86 and baby measuring 5w6d
      8w3d - heartbeat of 70, measuring 5w6d
      9w3d - no heartbeat

  3. I am so sorry about your miscarraige. I hope you have much better luck in the future. I think it's great that you keep such detailed notes...that can help you compare cycles! I am new here from ICLW and just added your link...AND, featured you tonight on my blog!!

  4. Hi! I'm new here from ICLW as well. I can relate to your co-worker story. I have one that sounds like yours. Can only talk about herself and really doesn't seem to have enough empathy skills to put herself in someone else's place to make her think, "Hey, all this obsessive talking I do about my baby could make this person feel sad/awkward/upset." When I came back to work after a week off from my D&C she asked how I was feeling. I was in so much shock over what had happened I answered with "Okay, I guess." She then said, "Yeah, my husband had a bad week last week too" and then went on a half hour rant on the stress her husband was having at work before telling me a story about her baby. I went home fuming that day.

    I'm one of those ladies who doesn't seem to have a problem getting pregnant. It didn't take long to get pregnant with #1, who I lost to a missed miscarriage, and I'm now pregnant again. But I haven't been able to brush off the loss of #1 as "Oh, I'll just start trying again next month." I know everyone handles their grief differently, and I know fertiles who haven't had a problem "brushing" off their miscarriages. I don't seem to be one of those people. Maybe it's because my loss was my first? I DO think the women of the infertile community are some of the strongest and bravest women I've ever known/read about though. After reading a number of blogs by some of these women, I do agree it's a huge tease to have been trying for so long, to finally get pregnant and then have that taken away. So I totally see where your're coming from. I wish you lots of luck and hope that you get your rainbow baby very, very soon!

  5. Happy ICLW! I'm so sorry that 2012 has not been good to you so far. I'm impressed that you were able to get pregnant using Vitex. I have PCOS too and so far nothing has worked to make me ovulate. I hope AF returns in a timely manner. And you are right, the fact that we have to try *so much* harder to get pregnant makes miscarriages that much worse for us.

  6. Happy ICLW!
    Did you ever see the movie, the Sixth Sense, and how the little boy saw dead people? I claim - and it sounds like you can too, to see "pregnant people" everywhere! It just sucks...and i'm glad you can make a socially approved face and sounds...and then focus on something that you like to do. i love your rose picture in the truth project.
    I wish you the best.


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