Welcome ICLW!

Yay ICLW!  About me:  I'm 27, hubby is 32.  I have PCOS with irregular periods and no ovulation.  I did five cycles of Clomid last spring/summer.  Then switched to a herbal drug called Vitex.  I got pregnant in December.  First ultrasound went OK.  Second ultrasound my baby was 2 weeks behind with a weak heartbeat.  Third ultrasound the heart was even weaker.  Fourth ultrasound the heart had stopped.  I had a D&C at the end on January and am currently waiting for my cycles to come back (as regular as they are going to be) to try again.  Welcome!

Next topic...

I work retail.  I don't mind it, except the fact the pay is low.  The last two days I feel like I have had every pregnant women in the world come to me.  Like EVERY pregnant women.  I really hope they are all just fat or something, that would make me feel better.  I pretty sure they feel me out or something.  I have that effect with small children and dogs.  They just want to hang out with me even when I ignore them.  I don't get it.  It's like, "Oh this women just lost her baby, why don't I go show her my big belly and "cheer" her up", or something stupid.  

My co-worker who was pregnant in November/December time came to visit work today and show off her newborn.  We were never really best buddies to begin with.  She talked about the fetus a lot, I talked about my fertility drugs and surgeries.  She talked about how her back hurt because she was pregnant (obviously I forgot), I talked about how my back hurt because I was stuck working and standing for eight hours to pay for fertility drugs.  She didn't really care much about me.  The world revolved around her, which is common in fertiles.  She isn't a horrible person, I just can't stand listening to her talk for long periods of time about the fetus and I'd often cut the conversations short.  Anyways, baby came in today and I put on my "oh cute newborn" caring face.  Then she left and said she'd be back in a bit to visit again.  I hoped that wasn't the case since I was going on break soon.  Sure enough she found me when I got back.  Fuck!  She paid with a baby shower gift card and let me know someone had been generous to them.  That's nice.  I've been on fertility drugs longer than you've been pregnant, I couldn't even get a fucking $5 bib for free.  She started talking about how hard it is raising a newborn (and rewarding) and how she had to move in with her family for help.  It made me think of military families.  We get 10 days tops of our husbands being home.  Maybe he'll be around a bit more (nights and weekends) depending on the schedule.  But sometimes they are deployed or on a missions and they don't get to come home at all, for the birth or first months of life.  That or they are home for the 10 days and then fall off the face of the earth for months.  We live near no family.  Maybe someone will come out to help for a little bit.  But for the most part you are all alone.  Maybe I've already accepted that as "normal" life.  However, this women would be fucked if she was a military wife. 

I don't tolerate complaining all that well.  

Back to the bib.  I think one of these days I'm going to cry when someone gives me someone for my baby, even used.  I'll probably cry at my baby shower too.  Everything in the baby bin has been purchased or made by myself.  Getting a gift will show me someone really does care.  Even though baby #1 is dead, but for baby #2 maybe.  I can't really describe it but I feel like it will mean a lot after everything we have been through.  This is silly, they are just stupid gifts.  I shouldn't even care.  I'm strong, it's all about doing everything for myself.  I don't need to rely on anyone else.  Anyways my project of turning a baby bib into a memory book cover for my lost baby is finished.  I haven't gotten the book yet but the cover is done. 

I mentioned before how I thought miscarriage was different in fertiles verse infertiles.  Fertiles get pregnant after three months of trying, or even on accident.  Sure they miscarry and lose their baby too.  But if they really want a baby they will get pregnant in a couple months again.  I think because of this the miscarriage doesn't hit them as hard or affect them as much.  Not saying they are not sad.  But infertiles get pregnant after years of trying.  Sometimes after many IUI or IVF.  I wish I could make it so every women that has waiting this long or gone through these procedures and drugs be immune to miscarriage.  That everyone of them could carrying home a health baby from the hospital in 40 weeks.  That is not the case.  We have the same 25% of miscarriage rate and chances of other pregnancy complications, sometimes even more.  A few blogs posted the story of Mo this week.  She had 3 early miscarriages in the past, now at 22 weeks is being induces with the odds not looking good for her son.  I cried when I heard about them.  I cried for a complete stranger that I've never even met before.  That's what we do here.  This infertile community is there for one another.  We read each others depressing posts and check up on each other.  Miscarriage is different for infertiles.  It's not just another month or two of trying.  It's possibly month or years, maybe even never, of trying.  It's putting out more of your own money on infertility treatment.  I don't care how common miscarriage is.  We spent years dreaming of this, then given our dream to have it taken away far too soon.  What a tease.

The only way I can explain it:  Tell me your dream car.  We'll go to the dealership and look at it, maybe even test drive it for awhile.  I'll tell you I'm going to buy it for you and we pick out all the fancy options you want.  You update your Facebook status and tell everyone you know you are getting this car.  Tomorrow I'm going to tell you I was just kidding and laugh in your face.  This is infertility.  Replaces the car with your future child and it become 100 times worse.  

-Selbe