Thursday, February 16, 2012

Five Stages of Loss

It's about one month post miscarriage.  I thought I'd go through the classic stages of loss and grief.  Maybe I'll do this once a month, until I get pregnant again or I just get bored of it. 

1.  Denial & Isolation - I have a habit of hiding my feeling in general.  I do this for a lot of things.  It's like a self defense mechanism.  Maybe because of past abuse.  Maybe I feel I need to move on quickly and not be tired down by emotions.  Last thing I want to do is sit around all day crying.  I put a wall up and block them out.  I am not in denying this happened.  I 100% know it happened, I accept I can't go back and change it.  However, I do feel isolated from many people.  I pull away because they do not know what I am going through.  I have met a few people because of this and their story have helped my own.  One friend even e-mailed me to let me know she lost her baby two weeks before so we have been exchanging messages.  But a lot of people who already have several kids, are currently pregnant, have never been through a miscarriage, or just don't want children anytime soon, those are the ones I feel isolated from.  I feel off to the side.  I feel like they are in a different stage of their life.  The staged: newlyweds, trying for a baby, being pregnant, having a child, etc.  I'm in a stage that isn't listed.  There isn't a morn the loss of your child stage.  I just don't fit in.  I am isolated.

2.  Anger - If I said I wasn't angry then that would be a lie.  It's not fair, life isn't fair.  You know how many friends I've watch get pregnant and have healthy babies during my journey?  I watch other new mother and shake my head somedays at their stupidity.  I don't understand why women who do drugs, hasn't been taking prenatals forever, not in stable relationship, doesn't have money, etc., are pregnant.  I don't fucking get it.  I'm angry at every preggo belly and new mommy carrying her new trophy newborn.  Why?  Because I'm envious of them!  I'm angry and pissed and upset that they have what I want.  And sometimes so easily.  

3.  Bargaining - I haven't had this stage yet.  I'm not even sure what I could bargain for in this case?  Bean did come home to find me on the floor the other day saying I just wanted my ferret back, the one I put to sleep a week after my D&C.  I told Bean I just wanted my Munchlet back over and over again as tears ran down my face.  I felt after everything at least I could of have the ferret back.  I know, unreasonable.  Never mentioned the baby.  This is the only bargaining I've done.  I'll accept having my baby gone if I could have Munchlet back.  It doesn't work that way.  I knew putting him to sleep so soon after everything wouldn't end well.  I also had no other choice.  I never even really cried about it 'til then.  I just moved on with life just like I've had to with everything else.  There is no way to fix this.

4.  Depression - I'm not sure, I'm sad.  But not the the point I can't do basic daily tasks or want to kill myself.  See isolation in #1.  I really just kind of like to be left alone.  Just give me a task and I'll go sit in the corner and do an amazing job on it.  I function well in my bubble.  Make me socialize and somedays I'd rather just go back to the bubble.  

5.  Acceptance - I understand it happened.  I understand I can only go forward.  I understand I have to move on.

Overall I think I did pretty well on the stages.  

I'm going to talk about the baby bibs now, since I posted something on Facebook that was probably myself in bitch mode, but whatever.  

My husband is in the military, our current unit has baby bibs with "My daddy is on the..." embroidered on them.  They started the program last spring where every family who has a newborn baby gets one of the bibs for free.  If you want extra then you have to pay for them.  I went along with this program even though I was like round #2 of Clomid or something back then and could care less about all the newborn babies.  

Since then it has been a lot more time, a lot more Clomid, some procedures, surgery, pregnancy, being told my baby is going to die, another surgery, and more surgery.  

The bib is cheap, it's just a bib.  I do like to collect things from my husband's unit.  And we are only here for another month or two so waiting till I get pregnant again and have a healthy pregnancy, blah, blah, blah, just isn't going to happen.  This isn't Twilight, I'm not going to pop out a newborn in a month.  The bib itself really isn't important, it's getting through all that bull shit I listed above to graduate to the bib is.  

Anyways I had to pay the $5 for the bib.  Free bibs are only for "alive babies".  Since mine was dead I don't qualify.  Geee thanks!  Read the list above again.  Sorry I didn't put more effort into getting knocked up.  It must seem like I sit on my ass all day.  Instead of getting up earlier than I have to for a trip to the fertility clinic before work for my weekly blood draw.  Sorry I didn't put more effort staying knocked up.  Sorry my baby wasn't good enough.  I'm just a failure all around.

Every day I check my mail and think there has to be something from this pregnancy/D&C that my insurance decided not to cover.  Therefore I'm stuck paying the bill.

I didn't actually want the bib part, I don't have a kid to strap it to and the dog doesn't need it.  That and he would eat it like he does to my socks anyways.  I wanted the embroidered fabric to use as a cover for the baby book.  The book I ordered today that has all my ultrasound photos in it (because I was told the actual ones fade over time) and other stuff.  I'll take a picture of it in a week or two when it arrives.  So I actually cut the bib up.  I wanted it for my baby, my dead baby.

The group has since apologized and said they will give me my money back.  No need to, it's not about the money.

Everyone always complains how infertiles get the shit end of the stick.  One thing I see often mentioned on infertility blogs is how families get this great tax refund after having a child.  But those that put out $13k of their own money per IVF get nothing.  It's just a stupid bib, but I felt I should stick up for something.  I need to put myself out their now.

1 comment:

Me <3 comments... and chocolate peanut butter cups!

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