What About Me?

As I was standing in the check out line at the grocery store the other night the cashier noticed the couple in front of me with the newborn baby.  Of course the cashier began adoring the baby.  My mind was filled with all the bitter things that one infertile could think of.  Along with the "I fucking hate babies" thought.  But the second though that came into my head: "what about me?"  

You can't really tell how long a couple has been TTC by just looking at them.  They could have been TTC for a whole two months, or did IVF after five years.  I admit I automatically go with the first of those two options.  Odds are they couldn't tell you much about most fertility treatments.  The "what about me" question pops into my head when, even though I have no proof, I believe I have been waiting longer for my baby while someone else is getting attention for their newborn.  I think of not just the months we have been TTC for, but years.  I have "done my time" with fertility treatment and think of my past loss.  To be absolutely honest I'm envious.  I wish some cashier (or anyone) was looking at my baby and tell me how beautiful s/he was.  But they are not.  I fall off the radar.  I am non-existent because I'm not a mommy.

I deserve some good attention.  Not some depressing crap when people ask how my fertility treatment is going.  It's going just as crappy as the last time they asked.  But I'd love for someone to look at my big belly, or my newborn or child, and compliment it.  

One of the things that upsets me the most and I was never given a chance at being a mother.  We can think for great mothers out there.  But we can also all think of horrible ones ether from the news or those we actually know.  The women that doesn't deserve to be mothers, or can't take care of the children she already has.  I'm not saying I'm going to be the absolute best mum on the face of the planet, no one it that.  But I have to be better than some of those other examples.  Why is it when the stork comes around to give their baby handouts for the month I am always passed up?  And every other infertile women.  Honestly, we can't be that bad of a future mother.  We are never even given a chance at parenthood.  Not even one tiny bit of chance.  Or worst yet, we are given a chance the baby is taken away from us.  

We have a great home here.  The baby will have his or her own room with painted walls to match the gender.  There will be a new crib and everything else will be brand new.  The best products for 2012, and everything checked for safety.  The SUV we bought last year is awesome.  The yard is a decent size and fenced in.  The baby will have a college fund before even being born.  We are financially stable enough that I can stay home and take care of the child for the first five years of their life.  Fuck I think I almost described a yuppie.  But whatever, none of that seems to be good enough.

The feelings that go with infertility is so complex.  I honestly don't believe one could even understand the emotions unless they have been in the shoes.  There is no "fairness" or waiting your turn.  Sometimes it so hard to justify what is happening.  The only thing we can hold onto is the quote: "everything happens for a reason".  But after a couple years honestly, what is the fucking reason?

The Future

Many days I just want give up on fertility treatment.  Even if money was unlimited, I don't want to do another IUI, I don't want to do IVF, I don't ever want to see Clomid or any of it's fucking friends again, and I hate OPKs.  No more!  I just want to be left alone.  I don't want a newborn, I don't want a child, I like my sleep and freedom.  I want to spend all my money on myself, I want to take off without needing a babysitter.  I want to keep my current body with my non-sagging breasts, and kinda flat stomach.  

And there is my husband with his one fucking million sperm he left me.  I am still angry at that.  It seems like his count keeps getting lower and lower over time.  I asked him to take the CountBoost or FertilAid but he told me those had the some vitamins and such as his regular multivitamin that he already takes.  I never looked into whether that was true or not, nor do I know if he even takes those multivitamins on a daily basis like he should.  What about the occasional alcoholic drink he has?  Or his stressful job?  The last two IUIs were great on my end, one and two eggs.  My cervix isn't a problem since they bypass it with the IUI.  My right fallopian tube isn't a problem since I know at least one egg went down my left tube.  I am left feeling like I should be pointing fingers and you can take a good guess who at.  

Some days I say it's OK I don't have children, or at least anytime soon.  I told Bean years ago if we never have kids I'm getting my boobs picked back up once they begin to sag.  I think the surgery cost less than IVF.  I might even be able to get it done for free if I can convince my health insurance my real boobs cause me emotional pain.  Because it's not like infertility cause anyone emotional issues, ever.  No one gives a fuck about that.  But new plastic boobs, well can't have me crying and being self-conscious about the pair I have now, can we?

I fucking hate life.  

Source

And I don't think there is a God anymore, not that I was 100% sure to begin with.  There I said it, and offended a few people.  I didn't grow up with too much religion in my life.  But somewhere I got in my mind that if I pray enough everything things would be alright and whatever I needed would be given to me.  I did pray, many times.  I'm also done blowing out birthday candles, wishing on stars and throwing pennies into a fountain for the same wish.  I'm sick of answering the same thing each year when Bean asks me what I want as a gifts for holidays.  It's been years since I've asked for a gift other than "baby".  And yes, I equated blowing out candles to prayer.  If there is a God I'm pretty sure he despise me or something, and my feelings seems to be heading that way too.  It's going on three years, God hasn't answered my prayers yet.  Unless you want to count the time I did get PG and it was taken away soon after.  I'd honestly rather of never been pregnant to begin with than be pregnant for a month and lose the baby.  I loved my baby boy but there is pain even today.  I still don't make it a whole week without crying about it.  For Christmas this year I want a really expensive piece of electronics, not even sure what.  And for the birthday, just let me eat the cake.  Fuck you candles.  If I'm stuck on this miserable earth I might as well have fun.  God, we are done.  

Next up on the list of spontaneous and random ideas I have:  skydiving.

Sometimes I look at the last ultrasound photo I have of my baby and think of how beautiful he was.  You can't see his face, or arms or much of anything.  But for some strange reason I find that blob to be beautiful.  

-Selbe

First IUI

Bean had his appointment first yesterday morning.  They need to wash the sperm before inserting it for the IUI.  Washing it means removing any dead ones and separating the actual swimmers from the seminal fluid.  If you insert the fluid part into the uterus it can cause cramping and even for it to collapse.  Normally the cervix filters everything out but they bypass that with an IUI.

The SA came out alright, I think.  I'm really bad about reading SA numbers because "good" or "bad" doesn't depend on just one number, many things go into it.  I don't think these numbers are amazing.  But each one is above what the RE likes to see it at.  If it is too low then they'll cancel my IUI.

	Pre-Wash	Inseminated
Volume	5.0 ml	0.5 ml
Concentration	13 millon	30 millon
Motility	46%	83%
Rapid & Linear	12%	58%
Total	29.9 millon	12.5 million

While the crew was getting their bath Bean and I wasted time by having lunch and checking out the local mall with the Apple store.  I needed to scope out where I'm standing in line for the new iPhone 5.
The rooms at this RE are nice, and the office is huge.  I don't normal go to Tacoma, usually we are at Seattle or the Army hospital.  Everything went pretty quick.  They brought me back in the room and had me undress.  The nurse double checked Bean's info and my bracelet to make sure I got my husband's sperm.  You know, because that it kind of a big deal if I get someone else's.   

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The RE put the spectrum inside me without any lube because that kills the sperm.  It didn't hurt since there is cervical mucus in there right now.  It took a few minutes to get the catheter up past my cervix.  It was really crampy.  She kept asking if I was cramping and wanted adjust the catheter or spectrum if it was.  At first I told her it was, but then realized the whole procedure would last longer with her trying to fix it.  I'd rather tolerate some pain for a minute or two then have you keep adjusting everything and drawing it out.  I didn't feel the sperm being injected and it was quick only took about 30 seconds.  After that everything was removed.  I laided on the bed for five minutes with the cramping continuing before I got up.  I was surprised nothing came out like after sex.  Bean went to pay and then drove me home.  I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping since I got such little sleep the night before with the excitement.  
I had my IUI 28 hours after my trigger and about 38 hours after my +OPK.  Ovulation usually occurs 24-48 hours after ether of those.  I'm not sure when I actually ovulated since I didn't feel the pain, but I'm pretty sure it was the day of my IUI.  We came home and got a little extra action in, just in case.
They told me I can start testing on August 24th (15dpo, 2 weeks & 1 day) which I highly doubt I'll be waiting that long.  I'm just not a patient person.  But then again maybe I will because my due date for my last miscarriage is the 25th.  I'll ether be super happy or crying all day.  I am testing out my trigger though.  I think it is normal in ones body for 7-9 days.

-Selbe

RE Appointment 5/24

My appointment went good today.  We did get lost when we first arrived.  I asked the little Korean lady at the information desk where to go but she didn't know where the "fertility clinic" or "Reproductive Endocrinologist" was.  She gave me two options.  First being the OBGYN on the third floor, for pregnancy tests, pregnancy and giving birth.  No, that's not me.  Plus when I made my appointment I was told me ground floor or lower level.  The second option was the OBGYN on the ground floor.   Hmm, I don't think that is me, but it could be?  I walk down to the OBGYN clinic and as soon as I walked in the door I notice the waiting room full and there are tons of newborns and babies everywhere.  Fuck!  I really hope this isn't the place.  Sure enough he sends me a door down to the actual fertility clinic.  This waiting room just had a couple waiting alone and a few women.  Much more my taste.

Basic Appointment Testing

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• Medical History - They didn't seem to care about the records that have yet to arrive.  Just asked me questions.
• Ultrasound
• Uterine Lining - Measured 15mm, too thick.  Obviously it's been some time since AF.
• Ovaries - I've never had cysts before, at least they haven't been found.  She showed me the left ovary, covered in small cysts.  Then scanned to the right ovary, also covered in cysts.  It's nickname is Ring of Pearls.  Yup, the classic PCOS cysts.
• Blood Work - I go for that tomorrow morning.  I'm having glucose done along with a few other thing, mostly stuff I've had done in the past.
• Semen Analysis - She's a little worried about Bean's low results in the past.  I'm not too concerned, they could be worse & I seen PG with less.  They are not bad enough to send us to an Urologist.

Dr. C told me there is overweight PCOS and skinny PCOS.  I have skinny PCOS.  Even with my anovulation and cysts I still don't look PCOS.  Which is probably why I've made it so long without a diagnosis.  I'm not overweight enough and I don't have thinning hair, hair in strange places or darkening of the skin.  She also said no amount of weight loss will make my PCOS better.  Though I don't like to make excuses nor am I lazy, this is something I have thought about from time to time due to the fact that my problems began when I was 16 and underweight at the time.  I actually wasn't allowed to donate blood in high school because I didn't weigh enough.  If I see the same problems at a BMI of 18 and a BMI of 29, weight probably it's related to it.  

Cervix

The description of the my cervix from the RE looks bad.  I guess most of it is gone and it's very short.  I am at a great risk for cervical incompetence and a cervical cerclage is most likely going to be needed.  This also comes with bed rest.  This scares me because I am a military wife without family in the area and very few friends.  I will have to figure out a plan once I get pregnant.  This also isn't new news to me so no surprise about the cerclage.  

She is having me met with the high risk OBGYN even before pregnancy is achieved so I know what to expect.

Overall

Even with my failing cervix, my polycystic ovaries and Bean's 23 million sperm count we are ready to move forward with IUI.

Move to IUI

I began spotting this morning, randomly without any cramping.  Not sure if this is AF, but if it is then tomorrow or the following day should be CD1.

I need to have a beta PG test done to make sure I'm not PG.  This part really doesn't seem necessary.

On CD3 I'll start Clomid 50mg for five days.  I'm not a fan of Clomid, I didn't ovulate at 150mg, let along 50mg.  My five rounds of Clomid before were unmonitored they don't know how I responded to it, other than not releasing eggs.  This time I will have ultrasounds to show the number of eggs and their sizes, along with the trigger shot to manually release them when they are ready (vs waiting for if/when my body to do it).  So I guess it's better, but I still don't like Clomid.  I've just already been down the road before and see no hope there.  

Around CD12 I'll have my first ultrasound to check the size of my follicles.  Possibly a few ultrasounds after that until my follicles are large enough.

I'll be given the Ovidrel trigger shot.

Following that will be my IUI with Bean's fresh or frozen sperm, depending on if he is home or not.  If it is fresh sperm and Monday-Friday then I'll go to Tacoma, if it's frozen or fresh on Saturday or Sunday then I'll go to Seattle.  

Next Tuesday we drive to Seattle to "drop off" some sperm to be frozen. 

Cost 

Clomid & Ovidrel are covered by my insurance, along with any blood work or ultrasounds.

The IUI is $200 for the sperm washing and inseminating me.

Freezing sperm and keeping it frozen is $250 for the first three months, then $125 every three months after that.  

This is a pretty good deal.  There is about a 20-25% chance of it working each cycle.

I'm also on the list for IVF.  It's about a year wait and costs $6000.

-Selbe

The Chalkboard Project

I started my chalkboard project the other day.  I decided just to label it 0, 1, 2, 3 (hopefully 4, 5, 6...) weeks.  It kind of went with the other idea.    I started out with a brief history of the infertile me (and a little Bean).  I have a much longer list on the timeline page if anyone is interested.

That's it for now.

-Selbe

One Year

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One year ago I start this blog.  Although I feel I haven't made it far in this past year, I have learned a lot. 

Last March I ditched my old OBGYN on base for one out in town.  This also ended my short time on birth control which was supposed to regulate my very irregular cycles.  I got my first ultrasound, which ended up being more awkward than anything.  I listened to the much younger than me, unmarried girl next to me be congratulated by the ultrasound techs.  She looked at me the whole time probably thinking I was pregnant just like her.  I also started my first round of Clomid that month.

In April, I realized Clomid wasn't working and took Provera to start my period again.  My Clomid dose got increased.  The OBGYN diagnosed me with minor PCOS.

In May, I actually ovulated with Clomid, but didn't get pregnant.  

In June, I get invited to a string of baby showers, one which I almost cried at.  Same story as May.

In July, my Clomid stopped working and my dose got increased for the second time.  Bean's semen analysis also came back borderline low and my blood test showed I just wasn't ovulating.

In August, I started my fifth and final round of Clomid.  I was sent to an RE after lack of response to the drug.  The RE diagnosed me with PCOS.  Bean & I also celebrated our second wedding anniversary.

In September, Bean's second semen analysis came back normal.  I replaced my Clomid with Vitex.  I had a second ultrasound which showed I was normal inside and had tons of follicles.  My blood work showed I had high estrogen.  And I learned an HSG is a lot more painful than they told me.  

In October, I went in for Laparoscopic Surgery and Hysteroscopy after they couldn't get the HSG tube past my cervix.  I also begin ovulating on my own.

In November, I gave Vitex a third try, first time trying to conceive after surgery.  RE suggested I move to injectables with TI, IUI or IVF instead.

A week before Christmas in December I learned I was pregnant.  My betas looked amazing.

In January, I began bleeding and was sent for an ultrasound where everything looked OK.  A week and half later I started bleeding again and was sent for an ultrasounds.  I saw my baby and it's heartbeat, then was told the baby is not going to make it.  After a few more ultrasounds the heart had stopped.  I had my D&C a day after my birthday.  Bean turned 32 and I turned 27 this month.

In February, I watched my beta numbers slowly head towards zero indicating I'm no longer pregnant.  

This March my beta numbers are still being watched.  I'm still waiting on my post D&C period to arrive.  And my second Hysteroscopy is booked for the end of the month.

I really hope this coming year is much better than the past.  I really hope when I update a year from now that I'm holding my new baby, or at least have one inside of me.

I don't know when I'm going to get my period again.  I've been cramping a lot lately, maybe soon?  

Honestly I feel like I don't even care anymore about being pregnant or having children.  I feel like the dream has gotten further away and even more unreachable.  To the point now I don't want to go through anymore medical procedures and spend my time tracking things.  I'm happy to move across country, move into our new house, met new people, and start my new job.  Leave my infertile self behind here.  I want to forget about this dream and have a bunch of unprotected sex for awhile.  Maybe someday the dream will come back to me.

-Selbe

The Blog

I got a couple medical "bills" lately.  Not really bills, but paperwork from my insurance company letting me know what they paid for and how expensive I am.  I've listed all my expensive from this year on my Cost of Infertility page.

This is just for the month of September:

• Blood work: $1,297
• Ultrasound:  $551
• HSG:  $1,770
• Medication:  $50
• Total:  $3,668

This does not include surgery or anything related to it.  So I'm sure October will be even higher.  

We do have a $250 semen analysis bill that we are still trying to get our insurance to cover.  

I originally started this blog last spring to document my infertility (IF) journey.  I admit I wish the journey was much shorter because it's like fucking December again.  Sometimes writing helps me sort out my thoughts.  And I wanted to help others on the same journey.  Before I started I read several IF blogs.  They were bitter, angry, depressing, cautious, and honest.  But those were exactly the things I felt too!  Before I was crying at a negative pregnancy (PG) test and I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy for my PG friends.  I was shown I wasn't alone, and those are things that other IF people feel.  I write for all the other IF women and couples.

I do link a blog post to my Facebook every once and awhile. (This is closely monitored and I only have a set number of people that see it.)  I also have one of those fan pages for people to Like me.  However, I'm still not comfortable enough to "advertise" my brokeness.  I usually go one of two ways.  I'll talk about everything in detail about my ovaries and cervix.  I'll even do this to men.  If you want to know, I'll just throw it right out there.  Or I don't say much at all.  Maybe tell them I hate kids, or I'm not ready for them, or I can lock my pets up when they are bad.  Anything quick that moves right to another topic.  It depends on the person and how I'm feeling that day.  But more often the second one happens.  I keep everything hidden and tucked inside of me.  Most fertiles do not respond to IF well.  Often times it is looked down upon.  

Over the last couple weeks I've gotten a few compliments from fertiles I know telling me they love this blog.  Which is surprising to me because it is not really written for the fertile population, or at least not to be accepted by it.  I do throw my true feeling out there because I know there is at least 1, 10, or 100+ other IF women that feel the exact same way.  But my true feeling are not always the nicest thing I could say and probably offend many people.  So sorry I'm a bitter, infertile, bitch. (This is probably the only apology this blog will ever give.)  And thanks to those few that have sent me messages and enjoy my blog.  

The other day I was sharing photos of my pets at work.  I showed an older co-worker this picture of Buddy.  I think I called him my "baby" or "furkid", something like that.  She gave me a looks of disappointment and told me I need to have real babies.     *awkward silence*  I responded a few seconds later with, "umm I'm broken... ovaries and all."  And then I walked off.  I really wasn't sure what to say.  But until these ovaries actually do their job there are going to be LOTS of photos of my furkids because that's all I fucking got.  So deal.  Buddy is pretty cute though.

I just drove five hours to my hometown three states away.  I haven't lived here since 2007.  It has changed so much.  I love driving around and seeing all the new stores that have been built.  But in other ways it has changes so little.  Same ol' shit, just years later.  I am happy I moved away from this area.  

-Selbe

CD7

Pre-Op Appointment 10/6

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Recap from my pre-op for my Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy next Thursday:

• Dr. H went over where the cuts will be made.  One inside my belly button, and then one or two much lower on my stomach.  The lower ones will need a couple stitches.  They'll also be doing an Hysteroscopy and going up through my cervix again.  Who cares about pain this time, I'll be asleep. 
• No food or drinks after midnight, which will be hard since I'm always drinking something all day and night.
• Show up at 9am, surgery at 10.  This might change the day before.
• I get to see pictures of my insides.  This is probably the most exciting part.
• SA results from August - 23 million at 70% motility.  I didn't get the paper with all the exact numbers.  But in June it was 20 million at 60%, so up a bit.  RE said his numbers of fine.
• My hormone BW from last month as off a lot.  Didn't really say how that is fixable, but that I'm not ovulating.  And I already figured that one out.
• My US showed MANY follicles (eggs).  RE said that's a really good sign.  Probably has something to do with my five cycles of Clomid.  My ovaries are just not releasing them, they are just circling around I guess.  I see trigger shots in my near future.  And no cysts showed up on the US.
• I do not have insulin resistance PCOS.  No Metformin for me.  In fact I have very few symptoms of PCOS.  But that is what the RE is going to label me for now.  (That I'm pretty sure we have run out of other things to test for.) 
• I was told to take Thursday and Friday off.  Saturday I can most likely go back to work, most definitely by Monday.
• I asked how I could do IUI or IVF if I couldn't even get the HSG tube past my cervix?  I guess the tube is much smaller for IUI/IVF.  
• RE said I can have lots of embryos and freeze them so I can have babies for years.  Little a head of yourself?  If anything I won't be having IVF 'til after I move since I can't leave the embryos behind. I'm not sure how shipping works on something like that.  
• I want pictures of these embryos.  I really like pictures.   I will make it my Facebook profile photo.  Ha I got one up on those US photos. 
• I can have a 2012 baby.

-Selbe

CD23

Normalcy

At Bean's SA appointment I found a book in the waiting room labeled "Patient's Journal".  It was a recording from various patients of how their IF journey is going.  It's supposed to make you feel like you're not alone.  I skimmed through the whole book, how depressing.  These women (and men) talked about their past failed IUI and IVF procedures, some going through so many.  And their hope for their current cycle.  Some were written years ago.  It makes me wonder how many of them got their wish, and how many eventually put their dreams behind them and moved on.  I don't know if I want to put myself through that.  

Sometimes I don't feel like a women.  I'm not saying I'm going to start cross-dressing or get a sex change.  I have all the parts but they just don't work.  I love my boobs, and sometimes I use them to my advantage.  But they may never do what they were designed to do, feed my newborn child.  My ovaries are completely useless.  Fallopian tubes, they haven't failed me yet.  But without the ovaries they don't have much of a job.  Uterus, that doesn't do much of anything ether.  Even with Provera.  And my vagina.  Super high libido and I'm always ready to go.  That probably got the best deal out of all of this.  (I read this might be a PCOS symptom, extra male hormone & all.)  But in all honestly I do feel broken.  I don't feel like a real women.  I can't do the basics that these things were designed for.

Provera, I don't know what it's doing.  Normally I start AF on the 6th or 7th day after taking the first pill, which would have been Monday or Tuesday.  But nothing yet.  All I've had is some brown spotting during sex, but nothing any other time.  And some light cramping.  Not sure what is going on.  

Sometimes I say I hate kids.  I feel if I talk myself into not liking children then I'll no longer want one and I can put this all behind me.  This really isn't the truth and I still melt at the sight of babies.  Last month I mentioned I didn't like working with pregnant women.  They believe the world just rotates around them.  Every once and awhile I'll have a conversation with one, but most days I'm silent.  I don't ask what they are having (although it's pretty obvious with all the pink or blue clothes) or when they are due.  I really don't give a fuck.  I do help them load their cart because I'm not a total bitch.  I sometimes remind myself that maybe they went through fertility treatments too.  But the ones that have several kids close in age I know that's a lie.  My fertile co-worker mentioned last week about how she hates dealing with PG women too, so I don't feel so bad.  Another thing I don't like is screaming kids.  If I acted the way some of these kids do I'd get beaten in public.  (I didn't grow up in the best home, I even got hit once in a grocery store as a child because I refused to push a shopping cart.)  But some of these parents just don't care.

I'm sick of Facebook and the constant updates reminding me I'm IF.  I'm sick of pregnancy announcements, those stupid automatic tickers that let me know you're x weeks now, belly photos, hearing about your pregnancy, hearing how you're kid is the best thing in the world or that your ALREADY on baby #2.  These come mostly from people I'm not close to, usually haven't seen in years.  I should just delete them all.  If you're close to me then I really do care about your PG.  I really don't use Facebook as much as I used to.  I used to update my status 3-4 times a day.  But now everyday I'm ether at work, class, a doctors appointment, or sleeping.  I don't do much else and it makes for some boring status updates.  I'm a very open person.  I really don't like hiding about my IF, but I feel like I kind of have to.  People really don't understand unless they have come over to this side of the track.  Many are naive and have no interest in even understanding it.  But once you've crossed the tracks, even if you have a successful pregnancy or pregnancies, you never go back to being that naive fertile.  It stays with you for life.  I know 99% of people don't have any idea what some of the feelings I've felt are like.  I'd love to educate about infertility, but unfortunately like most other causes out there people have no interest in listening until it affects them.

I'm tired of everything.  I'm sick of being poked and prodded.  I'm sick of running from doctors appointments to doctors appointments.  I want to be a normal person.  I want to go back to being the girl that bragged about having four periods a year, only buying a box of tampons once every two years, and never having PMS and sore boobs.  Fuck, I was amazing, most women would want that!  Maybe I'll go back to all-natural for awhile and take a bunch of vitamins.  I've taken almost all my GNC Prenatal vitamins now.  I don't feel like I've accomplished much with them, plus they are big and stinky.  I'm going to get some gummy prenatals at Target next.  No need to make this harder than it has to be.  

This was a nice dream.  Maybe it's time for move on for awhile.  Move on with my life.  

CD43

What I Want

We got a referral from our health insurance so Bean will be doing semen analysis #2 on Wednesday.  SA #1 came out with borderline low count.  The last SA was done at a local hospital.  He took care of the business at home and then delivered them to the hospital.  Only thing is he needed to get them there within 60 minutes.  By the time you get them in the cup, drive the 30 minutes to the hospital, and then wait in line to drop them off, it is cutting it close.  That and we didn't really "withhold" long enough.  

SA #2 is done at the RE office.  I have to day off to I can go too!  Though I'll probably just be in the waiting room the whole time.  They don't need my saliva mixed in with the sample. :/ Maybe we'll get the results the same day?

Source

I have more bloodwork to check for PCOS later this week, or whenever Provera brings AF on so my next cycle can start.  One half of me is excited to find out.  For years I'm been telling doctors that this is the most likely thing wrong with me (I've done A LOT of research) and I've always been pushed around.  Finally proof there is something wrong with me.  

But the other half of me fears it.  I don't want to have PCOS.  I don't want to be infertile any longer.  I want to be a normal women.  But there is something wrong with me.  Normal women get AF about the same number of days each month.  Normal women ovulate.  Normal women get sore boobs.  Normal women don't do this crappy on Clomid.  Normal women don't get a fucking 1.7 on a progesterone test.  I am not normal.  I might not want PCOS but I know that if this isn't it then there is something else wrong with me.  Possible something else that they can't fix, even with the most advanced and expensive fertility drugs.  

If I have to take my pick, I'll go with PCOS.  Because I know my body isn't going to fix itself.

CD39

First RE Appointment

HSG - Source

The plan:

• Wait 'til August 29th to see if AF shows up on her own.
• This probably won't happen.  The 29th is CD32 for me.  I haven't had a period that short (and un-medicated) in two years.  I'll need Provera... again.
• CD3 
• Bloodwork - Looking at insulin levels to try to diagnose PCOS.
• Ultrasound - To look at my ovaries, or something.
• ~CD8
• Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) - Checking to see is my fallopian tubes are blocked or other problems in my uterus & tubes.  
• Another SA
• Bean gets to jerk off in a cup again.  I guess the testing is more in depth here, or they just want more of our money.

Dr. H was OK, still think I like Dr. S better.  He didn't show up 'til after my appointment time.  And I felt kind of rushed.  He talked fast and I got a little confused.  But a nurse sat down with me later and went over it all again.  I read this is pretty common in his reviews from other patients online.

I liked that the waiting room wasn't filled with pregnant women.  That's my favorite thing to do at the OBGYN, look at the young PG women, judge and give dirty looks in their direction.  There was only one other couple in the waiting room and they were in their 40's.  I felt better that I'm not the only broken one.  "Great these people are just as fucked up as myself, I like them already."

There also wasn't any baby or parenting magazines.  What would be the point with a bunch of infertiles?  Instead they had Cosmo with "50 Sex Moves".  Because I guess "timed intercourse" becomes old quick so you need to spice it up.  That's more fitting than how to make your own baby food.

Oh Provera.  I can't wait for the 2x menstrual cramps and gross clotting.  I'll be induced for the third time this year, and probably another time after this evaluation cycle.

Dr. H said I most likely have PCOS.  But I've been saying that is probably what I have for over five years now, so that's not much of a shock.  I'd just get treatment for it now (Metformin) if I show to be insulin resistant.  I'm begining to wonder if this ties in with Diabetes.  No one in my family (that I know of) has PCOS.  But my mum's side has had a couple cases of Diabetes, both type 1 and 2.

The ultrasound seems simple and the same as the one I had a couple months ago.  Nothing too interesting there.

The HSG kind of worries me the most.  I hear it's nothing to some women with no pain at all, or the opposite and hell.  I'm most worried about the tube dilating my cervix than anything else.  He said this is the most painful fertility procedure, more so than IVF or IUI.  But is goes quick.  With Bean's work schedule he probably won't be able to go with me.  However, Dr. H said I could drive myself home right after.  And well if not, it's done at the local hospital and I can always hang out there until someone comes to get me.

I'm done with Clomid.  I was told if it doesn't work after three cycles, then give up.  So no more for me, or at least not for awhile.  And I was told to burn my BBTs because they looked that bad and are useless.  I guess that's one less thing I need to track each cycle.  

Bean gets a trip to the special "male room" to drop his crew off.  Only thing is they can only do it once a month at this location, which happens to be tomorrow.  Bean can't get off work or get a referral in time for our health insurance.  The other location is an hour away.

The biggest thing with all this crap is the time it takes.  Bean goes to work early and doesn't get out 'til late, so most offices open and close by then.  My new job is eventually going to get sick of my endless, and sometimes last minute, appointments.  I guess I could just call in "sick", but that would be a last resort.  This RE does have monitoring hours from 7-7:30AM every day but Sunday for BW & U/S.  This works out well for me since my job is literally 5 minutes down the road, and the earliest I ever have to be there is 8AM.

Dr. H does have hope for me.  I was told I have a 1 or 2% chance (or less) of conceiving naturally.  Ok that's not really that good.  But I'm young (26) and I should respond to fertility treatments well (but not Clomid I guess).

CD21

Graduating to New Doctor

Where the name of my blog came from,
after seeing this billboard. - Source

I'm officially broken enough to be graduating from my OB/GYN.  I never thought I'd see this day.  My PCM (primary doctor) gave me a referral to a RE today.  They'll be stuck with me for now on (except pap smears & dysplasia) until I get PG, move, or give up on all this crap.  Once a get PG I'll graduate back to an OB/GYN.

My PCM manager suggested having a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done.  FYI, a HSG is dye put in the fallopian tubes and X-rayed to check for blocks.  I'm not trilled about having it done, because like Bean's SA, I think our problem is more my ovaries.  But if our insurance will cover it, sign me up.  I also had Chlamydia years ago for a brief period of time.  No symptoms of Chlamydia, went to the doctor at the time for Bacterial Vaginosis (BV).  I got both from the same boyfriend, I swear I don't sleep with a new guy each night.  So I have a higher risk of blocked tubes.

He also mentioned putting me into one of the military programs to do IUI or IVF in the future.  They are only done in certain locations in the country but are at a discounted rate.

So I'm off to see Dr. H at the Fertility Centers of New England (FCNE).  It's kind of like a chain since there are locations all over New Hampshire and Massachusetts.  Eh chain, but it's the only RE within 50 miles that my insurance will send me to.  If it's that horrible I'll just hang out at the OB/GYN 'til we move again in the winter.

CD35, Provera pill #4, no AF yet
Hidden Text: Fertility Centers of New England, Joseph A. Hill, III, M.D., York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr., Brian McFadden, Portsmouth Naval

Progesterone & Semen Results!

I got my CD21 Progesterone results today.  Generally 20+ ng/mL is great, 15+ is good on a medicated cycle, 10+ is eh, 5+ there is ovulation but low quality.  And mine:

Progesterone CD21 = 1.7 ng/mL

Ha!  The first thing Dr. S asked is if I had a +OPK, because if I had he would be surprised.  So 1.7 is pretty bad.  I got my Clomid increased to 150mg (3x the dose I started at) and I'm doing another round of Provera (assuming AF probably won't show up anytime soon).

I mentioned last week that I thought this was going to be low.  So it wasn't much of a surprise.  Plus my lack of post-ovulation crappy side effects gave it away.

Again he mentioned if I don't O at 150mg then I'm getting sent to a RE.  There isn't much else they can do for me at an OB/GYN.

Bean got his SA results today too.

	Bean's	Normal
Volume	4.0	1.5 - 5 mL
Count	20	40 - 250 Mil/ML
PH	7.6	7.2 - 7.8
Motility	60	>60%
Activity	3+	>2+
Morphology	49	>30%
Liquefaction	Liquid	Liquid
Fructose	Positive	Positive

Source

He came home all upset about only getting a 20 on his count, as in 20 MILLION!  It's like he failed at something.  It's on the low side, but I got a fucking 1.7 for Progesterone.  We have more to worry about than his body only making 20 million sperm in 18 hours.  

CD29, no AF (never took a POAS, there's no point, I will before Provera though)

Prenatal Vitamins

Nothing new really.

Bean hasn't gotten his SA results back yet.  I ask him everyday.  He told me yesterday that they are able to hold to results for up to 90 days (military health system).  Well lets hope I get knocked up between now and 90 days.

Not sure what my OPKs are doing this cycle.  They are dark, and then light, then dark, etc., over and over again.  It's CD16 so maybe I already missed it for this cycle, and my one boob has been sore the last few days.  I might be diluting it with my increased water intake or something.

I got new multivitamins, well more like prenatals.  My old ones only had the minimum for folic acid.  They also had caffeine and were running out anyways.  The caffeine worked out awesome if I remembered to take it in the morning, not so well in the afternoon.  I also noticed all the prenatals were low on vitamin D.  So from...

• Women's Energy & Metabolism Vitamins - 1600 IU Vitamin D, 400 mcg Folic Acid

to...

• Prenatal w/ Iron - 400 IU Vitamin D, 1000 mcg Folic Acid
• Vitamin D - 2000 IU

My ENT told me my ears and sinuses feel better than they look.  My ear drums are still sunken in and my nose is still filled with snot.  I have more allergy testing scheduled for next week, specific molds this time.  I guess this gets me ready for winter.  

CD16, OPK-

Brand New Car

2011 VW Tiguan

We replaced Bean's truck with a family friendly SUV this week.

Last weekend we went to a dealership that had one he liked.  I saw the price and told him I didn't want to drive it.  Yet I was forced to anyways.  End of story.  We filled out the paperwork and put in our color choice to have to car delivered.  I like the way it drives, it's fast and smooth like my little "sports" car.  The windows are large, I don't feel like the car is huge and if I take a turn too tight I'm going to drive into something (this is my biggest concern moving from a small car to a larger one).  It has a bunch of options so I'm cool with it.  We went to pick it up yesterday.

I used to always be afraid of ruining leather seats.  But I've since learned from my pets that cleaning piss, poop and vomit off leather is way easier than scrubbing it out of cloth.  A child and cloth seats is not an option.

I have a full size backseat and trunk now.  Four doors!

Panoramic sunroof!  Oh it's so huge and pretty.  Baby will get to see the clouds too.

I've never bought a brand new car before.  Like brand brand new with less than 100 miles on it after we left the dealership.  We're going to be paying for this forever.  But at least we got a 0% loan so I don't feel like I'm paying extra in interest for it.

It is amazing, the perfect family car.  This will get me pregnant.

Plus it's July and the tiger lillies are in bloom outside my house.  This is my all-time favorite flower.  Which also goes along with my girls name I already picked out.  I refuse to tell people what it is since I'm in fear someone will steal it from me, not like it's a rare name or anything.  

---

The full results for Bean's SA haven't come back yet. They did mark him down as having an vasectomy and then got confused when they saw some swimmers.  I guess that's a good sign that there's something there.  Hoping to find out how many and just how good they are at swimming next week.  

And it's back to timed intercourse and OPKs for me again this week.  

-Selbe

CD10

Appointment 6/27

Doctors apppointment yesterday!

• I got a Clomid refill for next cycle.  Dr. S said I'm not very optimistic since I'm asking for it already.  I'm optimistic but I'm not going to try and track him down with less than 3 days to spare when I realize it didn't work.  Planning!
• Talked a little about making the switch to Femara, instead of Clomid.
• Progesterone BW CD21.  Or CD22, or CD23.  Whatever works best with O since that changes every cycle.
• SA for Bean!  He actually got all the paperwork and the special cup yesterday from work.  And since his job gave him a couple days off (not to jerk off, other reasons), we got the little guys dropped off too.  They gave him an hour to get them to the hospital but with the drive and registration I'm not sure they got tested in time.  

CD7, Clomid all done for this cycle

Round Four

AF waited 'til 12:09AM on 14dpo to show up.  I had hope for all of nine minutes.  Spotting, so I assume the rest will show up later today.

I put a refill in for round four of Clomid.  The automated system lets you know you can pick up the meds in four business days (next Monday).  Well that's great for most meds but not for fertility ones.  I'll just drive over there today and have them refill it in person.

I also need to call Dr. S in the morning for another appointment.

1. Bean needs SA (semen analysis).  I said if there was nothing cycle three then he's having it done.
2. I'm on my last refill of Clomid.
3. I want to know why I have ovulation pains for a week+ after O.

I'm really not as heartbroken as I should be.  This cycle went by fast and I knew from the beginning it wasn't going to be mine.  

This cycle will be mine.

Don't ever plan life, it will never follow the perfect path you made no matter how hard you try to make it.

CD1