Moving On

View of Seattle from ferry on the way to my IUI Saturday

I've been on the waiting list for my old job since June.  I listed my store preference as the local one about 10 minutes from here, and then my second choice much farther away as a back up (hoping I'd get picked up by the local one).  It had been about 60 days and no store took a bite at me.  Nothing!  I get priority over new hires and I'm sure each one of these stores have begun hiring for the holiday season.  At the end of the 60 days I got re-added to the wait list, for the same local store, another one father away, and their brand new store in Seattle.

Again the local store has blown me off.  They don't even return my calls.  I was beginning to wonder if my employee file was that bad.

Today I got a call from the store in Seattle and they want me to coming in Monday to talk with them.  

It's a hike to get there, but I calculated the price for public transportation and as long as I'm working at least two hours each shift it will cover it.  

I was in shock, this store is brand new (just opened less than two months ago).  And there are so many more people in Seattle.  

Cons:

• Cheapest way to get there is taking three forms of transportation
• To get there:
• Step one
• I can drive my car the 10-15 minutes to the ferry terminal. Cost: free, except gas.  I have to park my car at the terminal after this.  Cost $11/day  OR
• I can walk to the bus station 2 blocks from my house and take the bus to the ferry.  Cost: $2  But option is only available during morning and afternoon.
• Step Two
• Ride the ferry to Seattle.  Takes about 35 minutes.  Cost: free
• Step Three
• Walk the .5 mile (about 15 minutes) to the store.  Cost: free  OR
• Bus, takes the same amount of time as walking.  Cost: $2
• To get home:
• Step One
• Walk.  Cost: free
• Step Two
• Ferry:  Cost: $8
• Step Three
• Drive car home.  Cost: free  OR
• Bus:  $2
• Or I can get a monthly pass for the ferry, making it $16 a trip.  And hope the company I work for lets me park in their parking garage for free.
• Public transportation doesn't run on my schedule, I go by theirs.  The ferry can be a hold up, since the buses run off the ferry schedule they are in sync.  So my hour travel time might be longer with waiting around.

Pros:

• It's brand new, and coming from a newer store I'd rather go to a newer store
• It's one of three (I think) stores in the world like it.  It's a honor to work there.  (At least as far as retail stores go, but not for everyone else.)
• Opportunity of a lifetime.  
• It's a block from one of Seattle's largest tourist areas, Pike Place.
• I'll get to explore Seattle some more.
• They close earlier.

I'm not sure if I will take the job yet.  

I can't keep sitting around my house though.  I do have friends here, but not many and I don't expect them to want to hang out with me everyday.  My husband is gone and some days I don't leave the house at all, let alone talk to another human in person.  I dreamed of having a baby and staying home with him or her.  Watching him stand and teaching colours.  Bean is always gone, so I'm not going to drop my child off at daycare for the little time he has with a parent.  And I never planned to work during a pregnancy ether.  Not because I'm lazy, but because of my weak cervix and fear the baby is just going to fall out.  But I don't have a baby, and I'm not pregnant.  Looking into the future it looks like nether of those are going to happen anytime soon.  I need to move on.  Starting a family and being a mommy is a great dream, but it's not a dream that's happening right now.  

I always think of being in your 20's as one of two things: becoming a mommy, or partying all the time.  I've watched so many of my friends who are in the same age group get pregnant and give birth.  I very much wish I was with them, I'm envious of them.  But due to my infertility I can't join them.  (Unless someone just wants to hand me $13,000 for one cycle of IVF).  I almost feel like I'm held back.  I can't move forward with my dream.  I can't contribute to all the pregnancy talk (not like I fit in anyways) nor all the conversations that go with having a child.  I'm left out, even more so being a military wife.  There are events I go to where I'm the only one there without children.  I guess the other side is being a drunk.  I do like to go out and have fun, but I'm too old to do that all the time.  Where do I fit in?

I need to move on with my life NOT as the mommy-to-be I wish I was.

I refuse to test this cycle 'til at least September 25th.  I can't stand seeing anymore bare white test.  Or worse, imaginary lines that seem to exist in my head, in certain light, when I shake the test. I should have AF by the 25th anyways. 

-Selbe

Random

Military Groups

I've decided to retire my membership in the military wives groups.  I can't take it anymore and my tolerance is low for whining and stupid questions.  I didn't delete myself because someday I might want to know where to get my hair did.  Just hide them all.

PS I'm sorry you drank too much beer and now can't breastfeed your baby.  No one held a gun to your head and told you to drink.  Actions have consequences, maybe someday when you grow up you'll learn that.  

Job

I have also decided to reapply for my job, since I don't have any IUI appointments for the next month.  There are no positions at the local location, but I'm still in running for two other stores in the area.  Only thing is they are an hour away.  So I'm hoping the local store picks me up, not the ones that are farther away.

Gym

I might go tour the local gym on Thursday.  I originally said I was going to just run because it is free.  But I miss lifting weight and I think I got more tone doing that than anything cardio.  

Vegas

Bellagio 2007

A few people I know are in Las Vegas right now and it made me remember that city.  I've been several times before.  My wedding anniversary is at the beginning of August and we are always looking for something to do.  Plus I don't really want to be hanging out around here for my due date.  Last year we visited Niragra Falls, even though Vegas was an option at the time also.  This year Vegas is kind of near by so I looked up plane and hotel prices.  It came to more than I was thinking.  I'm still hesitant about booking anything because I don't know my husband's work schedule, nor do I trust it being the same by them.  It's also right around my IUI #1.5 time.  So we might do something more local or do Vegas but spur of the moment.    

I always wanted to bring my mum to Vegas.  She loves to gamble, I hate it.  I love to photograph lights, she could care less.  It's like a vacation with someone and you don't have to see them often.  BTW one of the cheapest time to go to Vegas is early December, which happens to be her birthday.  Vegas is also the farthest she can get on any airline that is non-stop from Albany airport.  (She doesn't want to change planes, too confusing.)  Anyways some day I'll get around to it.  It'd also be a nice gift because she'd never have the money to go.

What Can I Do Today That Will Change My Life For the Better

I decided to make a list and ask myself that everyday.  Nothing big, only stuff I can accomplish in a day.  Like to see the fireworks downtown or remembering to mail some things out to family.  This will make me a better person, maybe more sane.  

-Selbe

Start of a New Cycle

Flood gates have opened.  I'll be starting Clomid 100mg tomorrow morning.  Although my track record with Clomid isn't all that great, I have the tinniest bit of excitement about it and the upcoming cycle.  

I have not posted because I haven't been feeling all that great lately.  Kind of been in a pissed off PMS mood and figured I wouldn't have anything nice to say anyways.  The TTC groups have been depressing lately, lots of babies lost this week and on a few of the blogs here.  Though I do wish to be there for them, for my sanity I need to step away.  Especially with my IUI and due date coming up.

Last post was pretty fucking depressing.  I wrote it in bed one night at 4am because I couldn't fall asleep.  I cried through half of it.  Even though it was the product of a snotty mess, I did feel better after a wrote it.  

Target

I lost my job last week.  Well I didn't lose it like I got fired, I just didn't get transferred by the deadline date.  I'm rehirable and all I have to do if fill out some forms and I'll get my old job back.

                                        

Target-2530

I talked about my job many times over the past year, but never mentioned the actual company.  The company was always good to me so I never wanted to bash it nor didn't want anyone from my "fan club" to come looking for me.  I worked for Target.  For those of you that do not know Target is a large retail store in the United States and now Canada.  They have a baby section, cribs all the way down newborn clothes.  That's where I got all my wonderful stories over the past year.

I'm contemplating going through with the rehire.  My doctor's appointment are so often, sometimes with a couple days notice.  Even if I did get pregnant I would have to leave at 4 weeks anyways.

I did go and change my Target baby registry from August 25, 2012 to August 25, 2013.  I spent long hours working on that.  I'm not going to let it go to waste!

Goals for Next Pregnancy

Just thoughts, nothing I've 100% decided on.

• No baby shower 'til after the baby is born.  Maybe a Welcome Baby party is better. - Baby shower games are stupid.
• One of those 3D ultrasounds ASAP. - Not sure the earliest one is done, just a regular 3D, not a gender one.
• Maternity photos as soon as my stomach starts looking like more baby, less like fat. - And later on also, I want to remember.
• Announce pregnancy early. - Still on the fence.  But I want to be PG as long as possible, and I already know the pros and cons if my baby doesn't make it.
• I'm not going to mention every single fucking that I'm pregnant on Facebook.  I'm sure the really important people in my life have figured it out by the 1st or 2nd status update.  I don't know why anyone would mention it everyday, incase the news didn't get to everyone?  - This one is 100%, those people get blocked on in my newsfeed.  And I know what hurt feels like now.

These are for my fear of not having a take home baby.

Goals for This Cycle

• Ovulate one egg.

I don't ask for much with ether ovaries.  It doesn't need to be more than one.  I don't even need to get pregnant.  I just want one egg matured and released.  Baby steps.  This was also the goal of my December cycle.  Which seemed to work.

Enlarge

I saw these question fly past me on one of the military wives groups I'm a part of.When is the earliest you can take a HPT?  Out of 30 or 40 responses only about three got it right.  Or maybe even understood the question.  I then got in a conversation with the poster about irregular cycles, tracking ovulation, PCOS and added her to the military wives that are TTC group.

-Selbe

More Than One & CD2

My cramps are super bad today.  I took Midol and used a heat pack.  It makes it hard for me to stand around and pack all day.

April Fools

I mentioned yesterday how I am not hurt by fake pregnancy announcements on April Fools day.  I don't think they are funny or original, but I tolerate them.  However, I did see posts by other infertile women and in a few of the TTC groups I'm a member of annoyed with it.  This post was in my newsfeed, the only status update sticking up for infertility.  A few comments down I saw this:

"Well people like to fake a pregnancy but they're jinxing themselves.  I will not fake a pregnancy, I have four kids and pregnancy is rough.  So I am not messing with karma." 

Being Happy For Pregnant Women

I went to work today and worked a 8.5 hour shift.  I thought about not going in at all.  My back hurt from working late the night before, I was tired, and still nauseous.  But I sucked it up.  

I mentioned my 19-year-old co-worker that accidentally got pregnant.  She is 20-ish weeks along now.  It just kind of upsets me that my baby was planned and took a lot of trying, only for it to die.  I see her and the healthy  baby bump everyday.  It's very hard to look at her some days.  Or hear other co-workers talking about the baby.  She calls out A LOT... for being pregnant.  I've never made it past 10 weeks, my input and experience doesn't count much.  But I think of all the times I went to work during my miscarriage, and then returning back the day after my D&C.  I sucked it up and showed up.  Pregnancy is not an excuse!  Nor is a miscarriage.  It was my own fault for getting pregnant, I wanted it.  Even during my miscarriage I was called in to cover her ass. Doesn't it seem odd that I'm the one in the middle of losing my baby, and I'm having to cover for someone who got pregnant on accident.  I don't blame the company, I chose to go in and get on with my life.  It seems ironic.  

During my long shift today I realized I wish was I was more happy for those that are pregnant around me.  Sometimes it's hard to show that I'm happy for someone that has gotten something I want so easy.  (Other infertile women I am much more tolerant of.)  I understand it's a happy time in their life, it'd be a happy time in my life too.  If I was them.  It's hard to be ecstatic for someone when all you feel is pain inside.  I wish I could see it from their eyes.  That's a new goal, although I think an unrealistic one.  I've been infertile for too long.  

I wish I could see the happiness and not pain.

I am happy for them deep down, even though most of the time I don't show it.  But I also very sad for myself.  I wish God (or narwhal god) would make them wait a month or two longer, and give myself or another infertile a chance.  But this isn't pick a number like at the local deli.  It's not first-come, first-served.  It's more like a gamble.  Sometimes we are hanging out at the deli for way too long waiting for our turkey.  Only to watch person after person cut in line and get served.  The only thing we can do is stand off to the side, because saying something is socially unacceptable.  Our biggest fear: we finally do get up there and there is no turkey, or ham or yummy cheddar cheese left.  There is nothing left for us.

I wish I was better at throwing on a face smile and saying "congrats".  

Please pray to narwhal god that my next cycle (April) shows happiness again.

-Selbe

Provera #4

Feeling Pregnant

Sometimes I still feel pregnant.

Dumb, I know.  I don't know if it is because I might be in my two week wait (I don't know for sure), or my progesterone is higher than normal, or that since I have been pregnant before I now know the symptoms to look for.  Maybe even making up those symptoms.

Like today for example.  I keep getting nauseous.  I eat and it goes away, but an hour later it returns.  I had a Luna bar for breakfast.  I started getting nauseous and was starving by first break at work, so I had my Greek yogurt and flax seeds (what was supposed to be my lunch).  Nauseous and starving again, for lunch I went and bought food.  By break two, same story.  I finished my lunch then.  Same thing when it was time to go home.  Then I thought the last time I got these short bouts of nausea was right before I found out I was pregnant, and didn't know what it was yet.  Come to think about it I was starving then too.  My stupid mind things maybe I am pregnant?

I quickly push that thought aside.  

 BFN (negative) after miscarriage

Same goes for the pregnancy tests.  Even though my beta was <5 last week sometimes I swear I still see a faint double line.  I have to be going insane.  That or my test are super sensitive.  Or now that I know where the second line is supposed to be I imagine it there.  

Or squishing my boob because I think they might be sore when moved a certain way.

The most practical answer is I'm a crazy infertile and probably making things up hoping to look for a way I might be pregnant.  

Fucking crazy...

Have any of you post-miscarriage women done the same thing?

And I'm nauseous again...

My body is exhausted from work.  I just worked the last six days in a row, 42 hours total.  I want to sleep forever.  And my back is killing me.  Today starts my weekend though and I'm happy for that.

My pre-op appointment is Thursday for my surgery.  I might mention to the RE the ovulation type pain I had last week and "accidentally" having sex twice around that time (nothing is a fucking accident in infertility).  Maybe get him to do a progesterone test on me Friday to see where my levels are.  The surgery can't be done on someone who is pregnant, it will kill the baby.  You're supposed to use protection CD1 and on to prevent against pregnancy.  Well I never had a CD1 after my D&C, so yeah, no protection was used.

The menstrual cramps I was having have gone away.  I thought they were going to be the start of AF, my first period since my D&C (it's been almost 7 weeks!)  It got worse and worse, then went away.  Fucking cock tease.  Well never mind there.

-Selbe

Five Stages of Loss - Month Two

Source

The five stages of loss, for two months after my miscarriage. 

1. Denial & Isolation - Denial, none.  It happened.  I still feel like a distance myself from those around me.  I really do try though.  This is my last month in this area and probably the last time I'll see many of my military friends.  So I do try to get out there for the last get togethers.  I know once I move I won't have that many friends for awhile, being new and all.

2. Anger - I feel much more calm now.  I'm still sad it happened, I wish my baby didn't have to die.  But I'm also not extremely angry at other pregnant women.  Every once and awhile I make a hateful remark but I feel less bitter overall than after my miscarriage and some days before I even got pregnant.  

3. Bargaining - None, again what am I even going to bargain for?  It's already done.

4. Depression - I still get out of bed every day.  I still go to work.  I still come home and feed and take care of the pets.  My miscarriage isn't affecting my day to day life.  I don't feel like I am depressed.  Sure I am sad.  Anyone who would say it wasn't a sad experience is a heartless bitch.  

5. Acceptance - I have accepted.

I have improved since last month.

Not caring about trying for a baby again has helped me heal.

Right after my miscarriage I wanted to try again and get pregnant again as soon as possible.  Then a couple posts back I mentioned I didn't care for TTC much anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I still want children and all.  However, the TTC effort has decreased a lot.  I am almost even afraid to get pregnant again.  Being pregnant doesn't mean 40 weeks and I bring a healthy baby home from the hospital, least not for me anymore.  Seeing those double lines automatically makes me think I'm going to relive this experience.  At any one of those ultrasounds my baby will now be dead, that I will have to go through a D&C and all the other testing I've had since.  Pregnancy will now never be the same for me.

This not really caring attitude has helped me a lot.  I almost asked a pregnant women at work when her due date was.  Then decided that was pushing it for me.  Another guest came to me with a container of those gummy prenatals vitamins.  I mentioned how much I love them (they really are good, I could eat the whole container in one sitting).  She told me they're good but she couldn't really take them 'til the afternoon, because "you know why".  I looked at her confused, I can take mine in the morning, night, whenever.  Sometimes several times a day.  Then I realized she actually takes them for pregnancy.  Odd that.  Then said my baby had died (bringing out the happy train) and that they have extra folic acid (good to take any time).  I didn't ask her due date ether.  She wasn't showing so it was probably close or after mine.  

Hearing about women that are close to my due date upsets me.

I overheard another conversation with a women saying her due date was August 26th, a day after mine.  Those are the ones I fear the most.  The ones due right around the same time as I was.  I'd be close to 17 weeks right now.  Wow that's a big number.  I would be finding out the sex soon.  I'd have a baby belly soon, if I didn't already.  I would have already bought maternity clothes.  I'd start feeling my baby move.  My pregnancy would be almost half over.  That's where I could have been.  That's not where I am though.  I need to let it go.  Sometimes it is hard though, seeing where I could have been put right in my face.  Sometimes by people that are ignorant and don't realize how lucky they have it.

My dizziness is getting better.

My pregnancy bloody nose has stopped, along with my dizziness.  I've been sick so I think my constant snotty nose as kept it from drying out.  Last week my ENT gave me stuff to lubricate (?) the inside of my nose to help.  I didn't think I would need it since it seems to be healed.  Until yesterday, it started bleeding again.  Shit.  Hopefully the dizziness won't come back with it.  So far all I've had is nausea this week.  And my blood pressure has dropped to 110/70 (it was kind of high the few weeks after the D&C).

-Selbe

Ovary Pain

Bean is working a horrible work schedule right now.  For the last month he has been working 1PM to 1AM, some days later like 3, 6 or 8 AM.  This is seven days a week.  Every night I struggle to stay up 'til 1AM to at least see him.  From 1-3AM is really the only time I spend time with him.  I literally haven't left the house with him this whole time, no dinners out or anything.  I work mornings (8 or 9AM to the afternoon), mid shift (11 or 12PM to the afternoon or evening), or closing (3 or 4PM to 10PM).  Morning shift I really can't stay up late to see him.  I usually just go to bed before he even gets home.  He gets home, is up for a few hours before going to bed, then sleeps right until he has to go to work again.  There is no waking him up before work to do something, he sleeps like a rock.  The other day he informed me of a new schedule, 3PM to 4AM.  Fuck I can't make it to 4AM.  

I had a lot of pain in my right ovary last night.  It only lasted for a few hours.  Not sure what that was.  Kind of felt like ovulation pain, but they wouldn't come this late.  

Still waiting on my post-D&C period.  Today would be CD44, or 6 weeks.  

-Selbe

Life is Not Great

Fuck you, Rosie the riveter

"Life is great."  This is what I heard from an older customer at work last right.  She was excited for another grandchild.  I stopped listening after this.  Back to life being great.  Blah.  This person obviously hasn't walked around in my shoes around for any length of time.  My blog anniversary is in early March.  One thing I have learned in the past year: life is not great, life is unfair and cruel and a miserable pit that we are forced to live in everyday.  Only thing we can do is pick up the pieces and move forward.  Try to make today better than the past.

The other thing that took me by surprise is how proud she was.  Growing up I've never felt like my family was proud of me.  Verbal abuse showed me I fucked everything up in life.  Everything good I've ever done was erased with something bad.  I've since left with an overwhelming desire to please my family.  My short lived pregnancy was alright.  However, losing my baby screams FAILURE.  Yet another thing I fucked up in life.

I hate all the happy attention pregnant women get.  I hate all the attention they get in general.

Infertile women and those that have lost a baby get nothing.  Just the suck it up and get over it attitude.  Or "just relax".  

I've kind of withdrawn from some of my friends.  They are at a different point in their life, with a baby or two.  So happy.  I just don't fit in.  I don't have a baby or even pregnant belly to show for it.  I have nothing.

I feel closer to my co-workers if anything.  Just different stages in our life.  

Sorry this is a depressing post.  I've been sick with a cold the last couple days and that puts me in a miserable mood.  

No AF yet.  I did buy these cute nails for good luck for our next TTC cycle.  

-Selbe

Getting Ready for a Big Move

My period is due today, I don't think I'm going to get it.  I don't feel crampy, or have a soft cervix, or PMS angry.  I took a pregnancy test with just 2 hours holding my pee.  I still see a faint second line from my <5 beta.  It's not like it is darker or anything.  Maybe I didn't ovulate when I thought I did.  It doesn't really even matter anymore.  I don't care if I get it tomorrow, or next week, or even next month.  My ideal timeline is gone and my surgery is booked.  There is no more rushing to make everything perfect. 

Next order of business:  I am moving.  I'm moving from New Hampshire to Washington state.  Which is about 3,130 miles (or 4.83 km). Pretty huge distance, and yes we are driving it.  We are expecting it to take about a week, with lots of stops.  I've never actually been in a car of this long in my life.  And this will be the farthest I've ever been away from family.  I'm trying to make some connections ahead of time via Facebook so I'm not completely alone when I get out there.  The next couple months will be busy for me.

March 22nd - Surgery - Only taking a day off work.

March 31st - Bean leaves his current job.

April 2nd - I leave my current job, 2530.  - We are both transferring, not going on Welfare or living off the country side or anything.  Though I'm sure I'd get pregnant faster that way.

April 3rd - Movers come to pack and take our things away.

April 8th - Mother-in-law and aunt fly out to Boston to pick up our car and drive it to Seattle.  Bean, Loki, Buddy, Nibbler and I will be driving our second car at the same time.  (With the military we had the option each driving a car out, or shipping one.  But Bean's family really likes road trips so they offered to fly out and drive a car for us.  They are getting my Beetle since I have to transport all the pets and have a Uhaul so I need the larger SUV.)

April 18th - Our house is ready, hopefully arrive around this time.

April 20th - Movers deliver our stuff.

May 31st - Bean starts his job.

June 1st - I start my new job.

-Selbe

Welcome ICLW!

Yay ICLW!  About me:  I'm 27, hubby is 32.  I have PCOS with irregular periods and no ovulation.  I did five cycles of Clomid last spring/summer.  Then switched to a herbal drug called Vitex.  I got pregnant in December.  First ultrasound went OK.  Second ultrasound my baby was 2 weeks behind with a weak heartbeat.  Third ultrasound the heart was even weaker.  Fourth ultrasound the heart had stopped.  I had a D&C at the end on January and am currently waiting for my cycles to come back (as regular as they are going to be) to try again.  Welcome!

Next topic...

I work retail.  I don't mind it, except the fact the pay is low.  The last two days I feel like I have had every pregnant women in the world come to me.  Like EVERY pregnant women.  I really hope they are all just fat or something, that would make me feel better.  I pretty sure they feel me out or something.  I have that effect with small children and dogs.  They just want to hang out with me even when I ignore them.  I don't get it.  It's like, "Oh this women just lost her baby, why don't I go show her my big belly and "cheer" her up", or something stupid.  

My co-worker who was pregnant in November/December time came to visit work today and show off her newborn.  We were never really best buddies to begin with.  She talked about the fetus a lot, I talked about my fertility drugs and surgeries.  She talked about how her back hurt because she was pregnant (obviously I forgot), I talked about how my back hurt because I was stuck working and standing for eight hours to pay for fertility drugs.  She didn't really care much about me.  The world revolved around her, which is common in fertiles.  She isn't a horrible person, I just can't stand listening to her talk for long periods of time about the fetus and I'd often cut the conversations short.  Anyways, baby came in today and I put on my "oh cute newborn" caring face.  Then she left and said she'd be back in a bit to visit again.  I hoped that wasn't the case since I was going on break soon.  Sure enough she found me when I got back.  Fuck!  She paid with a baby shower gift card and let me know someone had been generous to them.  That's nice.  I've been on fertility drugs longer than you've been pregnant, I couldn't even get a fucking $5 bib for free.  She started talking about how hard it is raising a newborn (and rewarding) and how she had to move in with her family for help.  It made me think of military families.  We get 10 days tops of our husbands being home.  Maybe he'll be around a bit more (nights and weekends) depending on the schedule.  But sometimes they are deployed or on a missions and they don't get to come home at all, for the birth or first months of life.  That or they are home for the 10 days and then fall off the face of the earth for months.  We live near no family.  Maybe someone will come out to help for a little bit.  But for the most part you are all alone.  Maybe I've already accepted that as "normal" life.  However, this women would be fucked if she was a military wife. 

I don't tolerate complaining all that well.  

Back to the bib.  I think one of these days I'm going to cry when someone gives me someone for my baby, even used.  I'll probably cry at my baby shower too.  Everything in the baby bin has been purchased or made by myself.  Getting a gift will show me someone really does care.  Even though baby #1 is dead, but for baby #2 maybe.  I can't really describe it but I feel like it will mean a lot after everything we have been through.  This is silly, they are just stupid gifts.  I shouldn't even care.  I'm strong, it's all about doing everything for myself.  I don't need to rely on anyone else.  Anyways my project of turning a baby bib into a memory book cover for my lost baby is finished.  I haven't gotten the book yet but the cover is done. 

I mentioned before how I thought miscarriage was different in fertiles verse infertiles.  Fertiles get pregnant after three months of trying, or even on accident.  Sure they miscarry and lose their baby too.  But if they really want a baby they will get pregnant in a couple months again.  I think because of this the miscarriage doesn't hit them as hard or affect them as much.  Not saying they are not sad.  But infertiles get pregnant after years of trying.  Sometimes after many IUI or IVF.  I wish I could make it so every women that has waiting this long or gone through these procedures and drugs be immune to miscarriage.  That everyone of them could carrying home a health baby from the hospital in 40 weeks.  That is not the case.  We have the same 25% of miscarriage rate and chances of other pregnancy complications, sometimes even more.  A few blogs posted the story of Mo this week.  She had 3 early miscarriages in the past, now at 22 weeks is being induces with the odds not looking good for her son.  I cried when I heard about them.  I cried for a complete stranger that I've never even met before.  That's what we do here.  This infertile community is there for one another.  We read each others depressing posts and check up on each other.  Miscarriage is different for infertiles.  It's not just another month or two of trying.  It's possibly month or years, maybe even never, of trying.  It's putting out more of your own money on infertility treatment.  I don't care how common miscarriage is.  We spent years dreaming of this, then given our dream to have it taken away far too soon.  What a tease.

The only way I can explain it:  Tell me your dream car.  We'll go to the dealership and look at it, maybe even test drive it for awhile.  I'll tell you I'm going to buy it for you and we pick out all the fancy options you want.  You update your Facebook status and tell everyone you know you are getting this car.  Tomorrow I'm going to tell you I was just kidding and laugh in your face.  This is infertility.  Replaces the car with your future child and it become 100 times worse.  

-Selbe

Telling Those About My Pregnancy & Miscarriage

Source

CD11

There is a big controversy with who and when to tell the ones around you that you are pregnant.  Some women announce it to everyone as soon as they get one positive home pregnancy test.  This is common of fertile where they are more naive about how common losing a baby is.  Or of infertiles who feel they are strong enough to deal with the emotion consequences if the baby is miscarried.  Some women wait much later 'til 13, 20 or 24 weeks.  Some only tell close friends and family.  This is common of infertile that are so afraid of losing their baby that they don't get to enjoy their pregnancy.

The number one regret of telling people you are pregnant, then miscarrying, is having to tell all those people you are not pregnant anymore.  It's a let down because you have to admit your uterus really does suck.  You relive the depressing moment over and over again.  While I do have some regrets from my short lived pregnancy, this is not one of them.  I told a lot of people, probably more than any sane infertile would.  I admit it, call me a fertile.  But this was my first pregnancy and I was fucking excited.  That and I knew the emotion consequences ahead of time and I could deal with them.

Work

My co-workers & bosses.  I told a lot of people here, and the rest found out quick by word-of-mouth. I couldn't really lift much and had to take it easy since I am high risk.  I didn't want it to seem like I was lazy, especially when I had to call out.  The day after we found out the baby wasn't going to make it I decided I needed to go back to work.  That didn't work out so well since I ended up crying on the way there.  Then again soon after I got there in front of my male boss who is all Army and be strong and shit.  He sent me home... for the rest of the week.  Which was extremely nice, especially since I work for a large company.  Large companies tend to not give a fuck about their thousands of employees.  Then I also got time off for my D&C.  I know 2 or 3 people knew about the miscarriage but by the time I got back I had people that I didn't even think knew I was pregnant to begin with coming up to be to say they were sorry.  I figure this would upset most women, everyone knowing so quickly.  I didn't care, it made it easy for me not having to talk to each and every single one of them.  Next time I have big news about something I'm just going to tell a couple of the most social people.  Less work for me.  This even bought out many other co-workers that had similar stories, even a story from a male co-worker.  This probably couldn't have gone better.

My Family

I never told anyone in my family, I don't talk to them much.  Even though I knew I was pregnant at Christmas (last time I saw everyone) I wasn't planning on telling them 'til after the first trimester.  On Facebook I posted status updates hinting at something wrong, then "no heartbeat", then early ultrasound photos, then ultrasound video, then a post about having surgery.  I don't have many family members on my Facebook to begin with.  But the ones I do have didn't post anything.  Didn't ask what was going on, or say they were sorry.  A little upsetting but all I can do is move on.  This baby didn't exist to them.  And this is one reason why I want a child, I need that closeness in a family.

Bean's Family

Bean told his mum, she was excited.  Then found out later that the baby was gone and she called to say she was sorry.  A few other people asked what was up and said sorry too.  That went over well.  Again next time I'll be waiting 12+ weeks.  I hate disappointing people.

Friends 

Other than work.  A lot of them read this so some even found out before Bean did.  That's fine.  They are quick to find out about a pregnancy, and quick to find out I lost one too.  A few I actually went to and told, but not many people.  Again waiting 'til a lot later.

Doctor's Office

I regret telling my ENT, well a nurse on the phone.  I had to, for medical reasons.  But my next ENT appointment was 3 weeks after that.  They congratulated me on my pregnancy... the day before my D&C.  Yep, that made me felt like an idiot.  Never mind, false alarm guys.  I'm not really pregnant... anymore.  This was the worst out of all the things listed here.

Other People

That Bean works with or a wife of someone he works with.  A few found out I was pregnant, somehow.  Probably word-of-mouth because I know they don't read this.  I don't really care though, I don't talk to them enough.

Sometimes it is bit for an overload with people coming to say they are sorry over and over again.  The worst was a friend that came to say she was sorry, and that she was really really drunk and had too much to drink.  That didn't help.  Sorry if you read this, I hope you were drunk enough not to remember this conversation.    

I have gotten an overwhelming number of women coming to me to tell me their miscarriage story.  Or about their D&C, LEEP or any fertility treatment they have had.  I know miscarriage was common but I didn't expect so many people to come forward to me to tell me about their own.  I don't mention names on here (even my own "Selbe" is fake) but I have had some surprising men tell me the stories of their wives or girlfriends too.  You guys are amazing.

I even go back is read the posts from other blogger written months/years ago about their miscarriage.  The heartbreak of learning the baby is no longer alive, natural or D&C, emotions afterwords.  I match them up with feelings.  You guys are all amazing and I don't think I could be as emotionally stable after such an heartbreak without you guys.  I hope my posts can do the same for other women who find themselves in my same place someday.

-Selbe

New Fertility Monitor

I bought myself a new toy.  I went with the OvaCue Fertility Monitor, oral and vaginal.  It was expensive, $330!  But I am SO sick of OPKs, and buying more OPKs each or every other cycle.  Then dragging the OPKs to work (or on vacation like last summer) and holding my pee in.  Since I have PCOS I have NO idea when or if I ovulate most of the time.  And my birthday is Wednesday, this is cause for a present.

It took me a year and half to get where I am now.  I'm hoping if I throw some Vitex down again, some softcups and have sex every other day I'll get knocked up again in a month or two, or three.  Not another year and half.  This is another stalling attempt on injectables and IUI.  Bean mentioned back in December that even if this PG ended in MC that at least we know I can get naturally PG now.  Not sure if that helped any.  

I decided to take a break from Facebook for at least a week.  It's too depressing.  Feel free to post on my wall or send me messages, I'll get back to you that way.  (I don't really mind if readers of this blog add me.)  Or "Like" the page for this blog.  But no more stalking the newsfeed.  Everyone is so happy with their PG announcements, or birth announcements, or cute baby photos, or just saying insensitive, stupid things.  I really want no part of it.  I'm sure I'll post something from time to time, and probably a cute puppy photo (because that's all I have).  But this is my "I don't care about anyone else" state which is really just to save my own sanity.  

I found this post by another blogger this morning:  The Facebook Miscarriage Announcement.  My favorite:

"10.  The Ultrasound Annoucement, Redoux (Inspired by Elphie’s #2): This one is specific to Blighted ovums. Post the ultrasound pic, with a big red arrow pointing to the empty sac. In case your pool of friends is particularly challenged, write “Doesn’t that Empty Sac look just like me?” above said red arrow."

That's the closest thing that I did.  Uploaded my two ultrasound photos into a generic January album.  Under I wrote when my D&C was scheduled for.  I figured they were a part of my life in January 2012 so that is where it belonged.  Luckly everyone seemed to read and I got no "congratulations", because if they did it would make them look like a huge ass.  I did get a few messages from other women that have gone through the same thing.  One that had a couple LEEPs herself and IUI.  So I think it helped.  

Work sucks lately.  I keep getting dizzy and it really more uncomfortable than anything.  My uterus/ovaries/something down there keeps getting sharp pains.  I have a fear I'll start bleeding out and that will be a mess, so there are frequent trips to the bathroom.  So I just feel yucky, along with emotionally.  I'm glad I'm only working four hours tonight.

Tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound at 7am.  This is the same as last weeks u/s.  Checking for a heartbeat, checking for growth.  

Best Case Scenario:  They miraculously find find a 9 week (or 8, or 7 week old baby) with a heartbeat of 120+ bpm.  -  This also has a less than 0% chance of happening. 

Second Best Case:  This find a 5w6d baby with zero heartbeat.  -  This is most likely.  As sad as it sounds I can move forward with D&C. 

Worst Case Scenario:  They find a 5w6d baby with a heartbeat.  -  Could happen.  This means the baby would be close to a month behind now and cause for D&C anyways.  

-Selbe

Anger

I returned back to work Thursday, Bean on Wednesday.  I'd rather be at work, although there are some things that do upset me.  If not working then I'm just sitting on the couch or laying in bed.  That really doesn't help ether.

People keep asking me how I'm doing.   Honestly how would you be doing in my position?  I'm pissed, I'm angry.  I'm angry at other fertiles, at God, at myself.

Fertilies

I'm upset at couples that can get pregnant so easy.  The ones that try for 2 or 3 months or have just gotten off birth control.  Or the ones that get PG on accident.  Or the ones that get PG on accident while ON birth control (how does that even fucking happen?)  

I've been to the hospital for so many times this year for those that have had healthy babies.  We tried so long, so much.  Finally we got our dream only to have it taken away so soon.  I just happened to be in the small percentage of women this happens to.  A case of bad luck yet again.  Why do I feel like I'm the only one?  I know this isn't that uncommon, this happens to many women.  But yet I feel like I'm the only one to leave the hospital without a baby.  

Before complaining how crappy your pregnancy symptoms are or how horrible your child is, think of all the infertile women.  They would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  

The other day saw someone post on Facebook that they are upset they are not PG yet and would even take a miscarriage right now.  You want to take my life over and see your baby die?  Go right for it.  I'll give you this crappy situation.  Enjoy!

I don't know what's worse.  Getting PG and then losing your baby, or not getting PG at all.  I'm going to go with losing the baby.

God

For the infertile community I usually see one belief in God or the other.  1.  Those that believe God has a way for them and if they pray enough they will get it.  2.  Those that have seen so many bad things happen that they no longer believe said God exists.  I grew up learning God brings good things to those that deserve it and pray.  But what about bad things?  Does God also bring bad things to those that deserve it?  Does something else bring bad things?  Do bad things just come out of nowhere unlike good things?  I've seen a lot of bad things now, abuse and infertility to name a few.  Why does God give those that are clearly unfit to be parent a child?  (story of Caylee Anthony)  Why does he give those that are unwed (a sin) a child?  Why does he let people that are going to suck off welfare have unlimited children?  Why does he deny that to couples that are married, have amazing families and homes?  The anwser is simple.  1.  There is no God.  or 2. God does not control who gets good and bad.  Life is not fair.  If there was a being up there deciding who gets good and bad then life would be fair.  Shithole parents would become infertile and the infertiles would be given the amazing gift of life. However, it doesn't work that way. 

Myself

I'm angry I got myself so happy about the pregnancy.  I'm angry I had so much hope in it.  Maybe I didn't take enough folic acid?  Maybe 800mcg wasn't good enough for me?  (I literally went shopping for MORE folic acid supplements today.  Bean asked how much I need and I told him "more than I have now.")  I'm upset I can't be naive and enjoy a pregnancy without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong.  The ectopic, the miscarriage, my cervix falling.  I'll find something else once I'm cleared safe of all those.  I'm upset I know too much.  

And I'm also angry at my 18 year old unmarried co-worker than opps got pregnant.  I'm sorry I'm not all happy and hugs.  I am a bitch, I am angry.  The baby that took me 1.5 years to make is dying.  If you are pregnant then don't bother talking to me (unless you've been though the same things I have).  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to listen to the complaining.  I don't want to hear how horrible your life is.  Just let me be in my own bubble and looking out the window.  I'll come around someday, but it won't be today, or tomorrow, or even next week.  This goes for everyone who is pregnant.

My few days back at work have been alright.  I'm still kind of out of it.  I'm sure I spend a lot of time staring off into space.  Bean took me shopping last week and I randomly started walking away from him when he was looking at something on a shelve.  He found me half the store away looking at something.  He asked me what I was looking at and I told him "I don't know."  I really don't know.  I just wanted to walk.  I'm there but sometimes my mind isn't.

The hardest was today at work.  I had a few ladies buying tons of baby stuff for their grandchildren (guessing by their ages).  They were so excited and proud for their babies.  Makes me think of my own family.  Sometimes I feel like I never do anything right, my father is never proud of me.  And my mum is just too out of it in general.  I wonder what that's like to have someone proud of you.  But I will never know, least not with this baby.  Because I feel like I fucked up again.  

I keep getting dizzy.  Not sure if this is part of a miscarriage or my ears are messing with me.  I wrote a note with a short description of my medical problem and put it in the pocket.  I figure if I pass out or am in too much pain then someone will know what to do with me.

I got asked by a few people if I'm scared for my D&C on Thursday.  Odd enough both Bean and I are excited for it!  I was never really scared for my lap surgery last October ether, just more what they could find wrong with me since they were going in with the intent of finding something.  But the actually surgery, the IVs, being put out, waking up in pain later really doesn't concern me at all.  And this time they are not digging for something wrong.  Whenever I'm told I need another procedure, LEEP, HSG, lap surgery, the D&C now, at first I do feel sorry for myself.  Then I read a lot online, especially seeing many other women go though the same thing, and just tell myself they are routine procedures or something.  I don't feel bad anymore and then somehow assume EVERY women has them done.  Until I met someone one day that is in fear of something stupid like an abnormal pap smear or simple IV and think they are a little bitch.  Not sure if this helps the situation at all.  Haha.  Anyways we are excited for the D&C and chance to move on for baby #2.  

At the store tonight I saw this toy.  Bean told me it's a baby toy.  I told him I found it in the dog aisle, and it says "pet" on it.  It's for puppies.  Then talked him into buying it.  Toys like this are for pet owners who don't have children.  Especially those that are infertile and have replaced the dog as a child.  We buy toys like this, and the Kong Puppy Binkie, so we feel semi better about the lack of child we don't have.  Dear dog, please wait at least a week before ripping its wings off.

I went on a beauty supply shopping spree the other night.  It made me feel semi better.  Today I made an appointment to get my hair done next week.

-Selbe

Second Ultrasound - Part 2

... Continuation of Part 1

Bean asked me a few times on the way home if I wanted something to eat.  I kept saying I wasn't hungry.

I said I wanted to go car shopping so we drove to the dealership.  There is nothing wrong with my car.  But my favorite car ever got totaled last spring after someone drove me off the road.  We got the same car but newer and a convertible (original was a hatchback).  There were some problems from the start and I never really fell in love with the new one like I did the old.  Also the backseat doesn't fold down, the truck is tiny and the back window is so small that it lets little light in (because the convertible motor takes up much more room).  Grocery shopping for more than three bags is a pain, let alone anything larger.  My puppy still rides on my passenger seat, thankfully each time he is under the weight to set the "need a seatbelt" alarm off, though I know this will not last forever.  It is too much of a pain to put him in the backset.  While bringing him to puppy class last week I passed a car just like my old one and realized I missed it.  I didn't mention anything to Bean, didn't want to be one of those bitchy PG women, plus he has already heard it all.  This seemed like a great idea now to go car shopping.  It got me to stop crying.  I found a car I love at the dealership but what they are asking for my trade-in seems a bit low.  It was a used car I bought from them last April and they are now offering me 2/3 of the price.  I hate that dealership anyways after everything that happened.  We are going to look around more.  Least I was in such a horrible mood that I told them right to their face their offer was crap instead of just dealing.  I think this might be the preferred time to go car shopping now.

As we were driving home the nurse from the RE called with my next u/s appointment.  This is the appointment to make sure the heart has stopped before aborting my baby, if my body hasn't already done it before then.  They told me 1/24 for the appointment, in a week and a half!  I got angry.  (The 1/25 is also my birthday, crappy gift, dead baby.)  I told them if this thing dies I don't want to carry it around for longer than I have to.   She mentioned something about "time to grow" and finally agreed to make 1/17 the next u/s instead.  What women wants to walk around with their dead baby inside of them?  I want it out ASAP.

I began crying again.

I also began crying for one of my pets who is very sick right now.  I mentioned awhile ago he has terminal cancer.  There is nothing saving him, just stalling.  He's gone downhill a lot in the last month and since I got PG I was thinking it is time to put him down.  I felt one life ending (Munchlet), a new one beginning (the baby).  Especially after I thought I would hear the good news after this u/s.  Now I don't want to put him down, I don't want to lose two things at once.  I can't control what is happening to this baby, but I can try and save Munchlet.  I don't want to murder him too.

My head really hurt, I fell asleep for a short period of time and woke up to this same nightmare.  

Bean and I went out to the store.  I saw the maternity section but instead ignored it and went for the swim suits.  I bought one of those instead, even though I didn't need it.  If anything I would "need" a cute swim suit over maternity clothes this summer.  That and I brought out my "I'm skinny, you're fat, sucks to be you" attitude.  We passed some baby and child things, I looked the other way or down at the floor like they didn't exist.  When I got back to my car I wasn't able to open the door due to the car next to me having it's door WIDE open due to the young 19-ish mum in the backseat slowly unbuckling her child.  I waited a few second and then got angry.  Why should I have to wait, like I am below them?  I began to close their door so I could get by and open mine.  Mum nor baby were not out of the car yet, just sitting back there, so not like I closed it on ether of them.  I climbed in my car, slammed the door while giving them a dirty look.  Then mentioned to Bean about them as "rude" and "needing to use birth control."  This was uncalled for, but after today I was pissed.

I went and bought some new bras at the mall.  My boobs are still really sore, but I refuse to admit it is because I'm still PG.  Maybe I just need new bras.  I kept looking at my nipples in the mirror as I was trying the bras on.  My areolas are much larger, and slightly darker.  I hate this.  I would be happy if this was to feed my child come late August, but it doesn't look this way.  I can't wait for my nipples to return to normal and my breast become less sore.  I just want things to return to normal.

We drove around for a bit before I decided to eat at 10pm (hadn't eaten since before the u/s at 7am).  I became nauseous and we went home.  I woke up at 4am and began to vomit.  There wasn't much in my stomach so I only got a little up, rest was dry heaves.  Not sure if this is morning sickness or because I'm so upset.  But morning sickness has a crappy time of showing up now (I've been nauseous all week).  I haven't eaten anything yet today though.

This morning there was a lot more pulling and burning on my cervix.  Not sure what that is, dilation?  I reached up and touch it.  Yellow discharge and soft now.

I made it almost all the way to work before I started crying.  They are letting me have the next few days off.

I am sorry I am not very positive or optimistic.  There could be a small chance this thing could start growing quicker, and the heart get stronger.  But I'd rather prepare for the worst.  

-Selbe

Dreams

Bean and I bought a puppy.

I wanted a small, short haired dog.

Bean wanted a Chow Chow.  Medium size with lots of furry fur.

I tried to compromise.  We got a Chow Chow.  He's red and was born October 21st.  He's not home yet, still too young.  But we are hoping this Sunday, as long as he gets a clean bill of health from the vet, he'll be able to come home.  

I mentioned in my post a couple weeks ago that I've never owned a dog before and I know nothing about them.  We've been slowly purchasing a bunch of puppy stuff from the pet store.  We got a crate (biggest purchase), food bowls, puppy toys, leashes, etc. for him.  The dog came to $800, one trip to the pet store was $300, plus other miscellaneous things being another $100.  This was OK with me since I already had in my mind how much the dog plus all the dog stuff would come to.  I actually thought ahead (verse impulse decisions).  That and I used to work at a pet store years ago so I have some idea what most things would cost.

I really wish most people would do this before deciding to have a kid (or forget their birth control).  It annoys me off so much when people complain how expensive baby stuff is.  Yes I admit, a lot of it is expensive.  But didn't you have some sort of common sense to get an approximate cost before hand?  I see this a lot on 16 & Pregnant.  I just don't get it.  I lost my virginity at 16, and I didn't come from that great of a family.  But I someone didn't end up pregnant.  Odd that!  

I work at a large retail store.  I had a young mom-to-be (late teens, early 20's) come up to me today so excited for the deal she was getting on a pack 'n play we sold.  I'm not really sure the exact price of an item but if I had to guess for my child I would say $100-300 for one is average.  (I've learned to not actually look to pick out a model number I want.  If I were to ever have a child I know whatever model number would no longer be made so there is no point.)  This young mom was excited the item was $160 but now $130.  Oh course I'm like whatever and smile because I'm paid to.  But then she starts talking about how she couldn't find one under $200, and that "not everyone has $200 to spend".  I compared $200 verse the cost of some fertility treatments.  Oh $200 seems so cheap.  (My ultrasounds alone are about $500, luckily my insurance covers that.)  I throw on my fake smile again.  I wish all people would think of the cost of raising a child (or puppy, or any animal) before getting the dick wet.  

I'm pretty sure the idea of "accidental pregnancy" is long gone from my dictionary.  I see myself (and other IF like me) going without birth control for over a year now, and having sex several times a week (if not more), with perfect timing still not pregnant.  How does an unplanned pregnancy actually work?  It seems right up there with the idea of unicorns and dragons now.  Sorry if I've offended anyone who has actually had one, or a unicorn.

I had lunch today with two co-workers, a diabetic one and a preggo one.  Preggo keep saying something about her fetus, not really sure what because it's best for me to tune her out and say "uh-huh" over and over again.  I was more interested in the diabetic who sticks needles in his stomach.  That's my next step in life, injectables NOT pregnancy.  I wanted to learn all about it.  Do you get used to it?  How do I stab myself with it, quick or slowly?  Pinch my tummy fat?  I've never given myself shots before.  

A friend of mine gave birth to her daughter today.  I'm happy for them.  But her due date was two days after mine for my first round of Clomid (this is the only due date I still remember.)  I can't help but to think "what if".  However there is no what if, because there was never anything in the first place.  Once again I've watched someone get pregnant, go though their whole pregnancy, and have their baby.  While I have made it absolutely nowhere.  Happy for them but sad for myself.

I found this article the other day.  Goodbye to the Children I Never Had by Leah Aaronson:

"...What about a situation where the person never actually existed? They existed only in my visions of what I wanted for myself, but not in flesh and blood. How can I say goodbye when I never even had the chance to really say hello? We never spoke or touched in life.

But in my dreams we did. In my dreams, it was all so real. I held them and cuddled them. They were so cute! Some had curly hair, some had straight; some were blonde headed (like their mom) and some had light brown hair (like their dad). They smiled and cooed. ... and I even allowed myself to dream about their wedding. They learned to walk. These children of my dreams brought home gorgeous artwork from school that I hung on the fridge. ...

These children existed - they seemed so real. Until I woke up and realized it was a dream. It was a dream that recurred for 25 years, in one form or another. The particulars may have changed, but the basic story line remained the same: I became pregnant, went through a birth, was granted a healthy child, and participated in the ensuing celebrations.

But this never happened. I never really said hello. And now it's time to say goodbye. Goodbye to the potential children, goodbye to that part of my life that allows this to happen, and goodbye to the dreams. I don't want to let the dreams go. I don't want to part with the potential that I can create life. ..."

Back to the puppy.  He's not just a puppy, he's a replacement for what I don't have.  I'm not stupid, and I'm being honest.  If I got pregnant on Clomid round #1, or round #5, or way before I even had to take fertility drugs we wouldn't be getting a dog now.  We are getting a dog because my ovaries failed, they failed at #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, they failed all together.  I failed.  Because I have nothing else.  Because my dreams are slowly slipping away.  Because someday I'll have to say goodbye to my dreams even when I don't want to.  A puppy is bittersweet.  I am happy I'll have something new to take care of.  I am sad because this feels like the start of saying goodbye to the dream and just moving on.  

I have a strong maternal instinct.  I will take care of the dog, just like I take care of my other pets and plants, because they are a life.  Because I am stuck in a shit hole of a world just like everyone else and there is nothing I can do about it but wake up every morning, drag myself out of bed and hold me head high.  I might as well make the best of it.  But I'll never forget the dream that never came true.  

-Selbe

CD22, 4DPO