Promises for the Future

The one positive I have to say from trying for a baby for an extended period of time is that I get to see what everyone else has done in their pregnancy.  Somethings I really like and would have never thought of that idea myself.  Pinterest has helped a lot with this.  And then sometimes I see things, and well, I promise myself I will never do.  

Things I will not do in future pregnancies:

Orange 3-D Ultrasounds

I like the 3-D/4-D ultrasounds and I do plan on paying out-of-pocket for one during my PG.  But why do they have to be orange?  It's like there is an Oompa Loompa in there.  I used hide under the covers when those creepy things came out to do their dance.  Unless my child has Jaundice I really don't think having them be orange is going to make me bond better.  I will change all those 3-D photos to black and white.  

Pregnancy Lineup

You know when they have all the preggos at the party or whatnot stand in a line for a photo.  Then everyone gets to compare the belly sizes and how many weeks along you are.  I don't mind belly photos in general and have no problem being photographed myself.  But don't make me stand in a line with other women like I just committed a crime and someone now needs to pick me out.  

I think deep down this brings out fear of being compared to others.  Not in the fat vs skinny way.  But that I'm not the same as them.  I had struggles, and they go much deeper than how big my bump is.

Rant - "It's in the Water..."

I HATE this saying.  Why do people have to equate a large number of women getting PG at once by saying something is in the water?  Do people really think there is something fucking in the water?  I know it's just a saying.  It just pisses me off when someone has zero knowledge of infertility says it to me.  Or any other crappy advice I'm given.  Old post but: 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility: There's Something in the Water

Name & Nursery Ideas

We thought of some more ideas.  Actually it was more me thinking of everything and my husband agreeing, for now. 

Girl - Pink & brown room theme, with owls.  Name:  Lillian Airi, or Arri

Boy - Blue & brown theme, with elephants.  Name:  never got that far

Lily, or Lillian, has been picked out for years.  Bean told me a long time ago that I needed to thing of an 'A' middle name so her initials would be LAB.  I'm not sure why.  It took me a year and a half to find Airi, and now he doesn't even remember the LAB idea.  Anyways good thing I'm infertile and had plenty of time to think of a middle name.

I'm hesitant to use owls because I know several people that have already decorated a child's room with them.  Owls = protection, elephants = good luck.  That seems fitting for any child of mine.

-Selbe

Ovulation in the Future?

Fertility Friend

I'm moving into ovulation week, if I ovulate.  I've got all the predictors going: OPKs, BBT, Ovacue, saliva ferning, checking the cervix.  Not that I need all those I just would like to see which method lines up with ovulation best, for cycles I'm not monitored via ultrasound.

I bought a VIP membership to Fertility Friend.  It's the charting program I like most, for right now.  I like all the custom setting I can add and the colours.  I just wish they had an Ovacue setting, well other than the custom ones I made.

I can feel slight pain in my right ovary at night when I lay in bed.  Only at CD8 or CD9.  Maybe that ovary is doing something?  I'm not really a fan of my right ovary, well actually the scarred and tangled fallopian tube it is connected to.  It slightly worries me and I feel more comfortable ovulating from my left, just because the increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy.  Even with surgery they can't fix my tube, at least not in 2012.  If I ended up having an ectopic there is a chance I'd lose that tube all together.  Honestly I'm OK with that.  If it causes more harm than good I'd rather have it removed.  Yes, that ovary would be MIA for natural intercourse and IUI.  But I would still have the left fallopian tube, and I'm already heading straight towards IVF with two tubes or zero.  That doesn't change much.  Will have to see on Tuesday is the right ovary is the one with the dominate follicle.  Or maybe I just have a pissed off cyst.

I try not to get my hopes up too much since my record of ovulating even with Clomid is few and far between.  But at least I have a tiny chance with Clomid, vs trying out new herbal drugs, and then a different herbal drug in 30 days to induce AF when it fails to work.  I feel like I'm doing something slightly productive even if I have zero follicles in there.  

I think I chipped the enamel on one of my teeth.  I never have dental problems, not even a cavity before in my life.  It's not noticeable to anyone but I can feel that it's different.  I have an appointment with my new dentist on Monday so hopefully they can bond it, sand it or whatever they do for something like this. 

-Selbe

Start of a New Cycle

Flood gates have opened.  I'll be starting Clomid 100mg tomorrow morning.  Although my track record with Clomid isn't all that great, I have the tinniest bit of excitement about it and the upcoming cycle.  

I have not posted because I haven't been feeling all that great lately.  Kind of been in a pissed off PMS mood and figured I wouldn't have anything nice to say anyways.  The TTC groups have been depressing lately, lots of babies lost this week and on a few of the blogs here.  Though I do wish to be there for them, for my sanity I need to step away.  Especially with my IUI and due date coming up.

Last post was pretty fucking depressing.  I wrote it in bed one night at 4am because I couldn't fall asleep.  I cried through half of it.  Even though it was the product of a snotty mess, I did feel better after a wrote it.  

Target

I lost my job last week.  Well I didn't lose it like I got fired, I just didn't get transferred by the deadline date.  I'm rehirable and all I have to do if fill out some forms and I'll get my old job back.

                                        

Target-2530

I talked about my job many times over the past year, but never mentioned the actual company.  The company was always good to me so I never wanted to bash it nor didn't want anyone from my "fan club" to come looking for me.  I worked for Target.  For those of you that do not know Target is a large retail store in the United States and now Canada.  They have a baby section, cribs all the way down newborn clothes.  That's where I got all my wonderful stories over the past year.

I'm contemplating going through with the rehire.  My doctor's appointment are so often, sometimes with a couple days notice.  Even if I did get pregnant I would have to leave at 4 weeks anyways.

I did go and change my Target baby registry from August 25, 2012 to August 25, 2013.  I spent long hours working on that.  I'm not going to let it go to waste!

Goals for Next Pregnancy

Just thoughts, nothing I've 100% decided on.

• No baby shower 'til after the baby is born.  Maybe a Welcome Baby party is better. - Baby shower games are stupid.
• One of those 3D ultrasounds ASAP. - Not sure the earliest one is done, just a regular 3D, not a gender one.
• Maternity photos as soon as my stomach starts looking like more baby, less like fat. - And later on also, I want to remember.
• Announce pregnancy early. - Still on the fence.  But I want to be PG as long as possible, and I already know the pros and cons if my baby doesn't make it.
• I'm not going to mention every single fucking that I'm pregnant on Facebook.  I'm sure the really important people in my life have figured it out by the 1st or 2nd status update.  I don't know why anyone would mention it everyday, incase the news didn't get to everyone?  - This one is 100%, those people get blocked on in my newsfeed.  And I know what hurt feels like now.

These are for my fear of not having a take home baby.

Goals for This Cycle

• Ovulate one egg.

I don't ask for much with ether ovaries.  It doesn't need to be more than one.  I don't even need to get pregnant.  I just want one egg matured and released.  Baby steps.  This was also the goal of my December cycle.  Which seemed to work.

Enlarge

I saw these question fly past me on one of the military wives groups I'm a part of.When is the earliest you can take a HPT?  Out of 30 or 40 responses only about three got it right.  Or maybe even understood the question.  I then got in a conversation with the poster about irregular cycles, tracking ovulation, PCOS and added her to the military wives that are TTC group.

-Selbe

Chalkboard Update

I'm still waiting on AF.  There has been off and on cramping, nothing else.  During my pregnancy in January it was the first time ever that I felt my cervix move (or do something).  I feel it every so often now even though I'm not PG.  It has been doing it the last few days so hoping it opens up soon.  

Other than my infertility bitching I really have nothing else to say.

-Selbe

I've Changed

Source

I used to get excited for pregnancy and all things I could purchase for my new baby.  I'd start shopping and getting the nursery ready during the first trimester.  Family and friends would send me cute stuff in the mail.  Then there would be my baby shower and we would all welcome the birth.  Such a happy and excited time.

Two years later and one loss.  I've changed.

I regretted the fact I did buy a few small things for my first pregnancy.  Buying those things gave me hope.  Not matter how much hope you have it still can't change the future.   As a result I bought items and then my baby died.

I really don't see myself buying much early on during my next pregnancy.  The nursery will go unpainted week after week.  It's just not in me anymore.  There is a fear to getting excited and then having to come home without a baby.  Looking into the doorway at the nursery seems so painful.  Pregnancy is an exciting time, but it is also a time full of worrying.  

When I look at what is ahead of me with getting pregnant and then carrying a baby to term it feels like two large mountains.  The first is the fertility treatments to get pregnant.  The second is to get to 40 weeks (or somewhere close) with my damaged cervix.  I'm not sure how to climb up and over the mountains, yet I keep trying.

-Selbe

The Chalkboard Project

I started my chalkboard project the other day.  I decided just to label it 0, 1, 2, 3 (hopefully 4, 5, 6...) weeks.  It kind of went with the other idea.    I started out with a brief history of the infertile me (and a little Bean).  I have a much longer list on the timeline page if anyone is interested.

That's it for now.

-Selbe

Random Update

Current Cycle

I wish I had more news.  I'm CD51,  my body is pretty much suck here until:

A.  a doctor prescribes me Provera, or

B.  my uterine lining gets thick enough that it drops on its own

Next appointment is Thursday.

Chalkboard Project

I wanted to start the chalkboard project this weekend but then realized the paint I bought takes three days to dry before writing on it.  I'll have to wait 'til the end of the week.

Running

My run time is getting faster.  Although I like to be active I still consider myself the fat kid.  I was always picked last in gym class which is understandable because I never had good coordination.  Even now I feel like I have no control of my limbs and I'm probably the first to fall flat on my face.  This is probably why I do all my physical activity alone.  No one I know is there to watch me screw up and I have no one to compare to so I actually feel better about myself.

Anyways I have no flat land here to run on.  I live about halfway up a hill/mountain.  I'm ether going up hill or down hill.  Unless I make it all the way to the bottom (valley) then it's flat down there.  But I still have to come up the hill at the end to get back home.  I get 24 minutes on a 1.6 mile (2.6km) ranging from 87-260 feet (27-79m).  My muscles no longer get sore.  

Weekend

Bean came home from his two week business trip on Friday.  I drove into Seattle to pick him up at the airport.  Saturday we brought Loki and walked to the Viking Festival in the town we currently live in (town has a Scandinavian history). 

-Selbe

Appointment 5/17

Annually Pap Smear

This was yesterday, pretty routine.  With years of cervical dysplasia and infertility I'm no longer afraid of spread my legs to strangers.  In fact I get a little confused when I have an RE or OBGYN visit and they don't have me undress.  (But don't you want to see my vajayjay?)

I don't really care about the results.  If it's normal, great.  If it's abnormal, well I've already been down the road several times before.  

The one thing that annoys me about this facility (PCM) is they keep a record of how many pregnancies one has had.  One in my case.  But they don't keep a record of live births, losses or miscarriages, so they ask.  I guess this would not bother most fertile women because they can just say they have a healthy two year old at home. But someone like myself gets to tell them I've had a miscarriage EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Not cool.  Please just put a note in there about it, or change my number back to zero.  I loved my baby and no way do I want to say he didn't exist.  I also don't want to go over it each time I'm there.

Metformin & my PCOS

This new PCM wanted to put me on Metformin for my PCOS.  I'm all for it, I hear it makes you poop a lot other than that it can't hurt.  He said he would think about it and call me in a few hours.  

He decided no. :(  I have no note of being diagnosed with PCOS in the records.  My records haven't arrived from NH, from ether my OBGYN or RE.  I put a request on April 27th to have them transferred.  But this facility never got around to filling it 'til May 3rd, then told me yesterday when I went to check on them that it takes 4-6 weeks to be transferred.  Seriously?  Which concerns me for my appointment next week because they most likely will not be here for that.

This is not the first time Metformin has been discussed for me.  My last set of glucose blood work showed my levels were in the normal range and I am not insulin resistant.  The RE decided since I'm not insulin resistant that Met would not work for me.  Makes sense.  But I've also read online that Met might help for those that are PCOS and not insulin resistant.  I don't know, but I don't mind trying the drug if anyone of these doctors was willing to prescribe it.

To be honest I don't even know if PCOS is even in my records from the past RE.  Yes, I have oligoovulation.  I don't get my period often and most of those times I don't ovulate.  However, my ovaries are not polycystic, in six ultrasounds they have never found one cyst.  All the other symptoms could be blamed on something else.  Like my acne, that's always been bad even in my pre-teens.  I think my body is hairy but a lot of women probably do.  And I'm also German, we are known for being furry everywhere.  But it's not like I'm growing a beard or have some strange facial hair.  My head hair isn't thinning nor am I losing it.  It's super thick and grows quick.  Though I'm fat with a BMI of 29, I guess I could also blame that on my love of ice cream.  I was labeled PCOS because they couldn't figure out anything else that could cause lack of ovulation for over a decade in a 27 year old female.  If anyone has any other ideas, let me know.

Upcoming Appointment

My appointment with my new RE is this Thursday.  I'm excited for it, but also worried now because I'm medical record-less.  I really wish doctors would let me carry a copy of my own records.  This lack of paperwork now means they have no record of my five rounds of Clomid, any blood work I've had, SA, HSG, any of the U/S, or my past pregnancy.  I also worry about being turned away for being not infertile enough, records or not.  If that's the case I will have to leave the military system and go out in town to see a doctor, because there is nothing else that can be done for me if I am turned away.

I am probably worrying over nothing. 

Current Cycle

CD48.  Lots of cramping.  My breast are sore again but I'm not sure if that's from running.  I only got sick to my stomach once this week.

I'm just waiting for Thursdays appointment so I can start Provera.  

Pinterest

I found a new love of Pinterest.   I never really understood it when I signed up 6 months or so ago.  Then I bought a house and need new ideas for it.  I've made boards (groups) for baby stuff I want to do or buy whenever I get PG again.  Also made one for infertility.  Usually just graphics to be used on here one day.  You are welcome to follow me.

I found this chalkboard idea for pregnancy where women write their weekly update about the baby like what size it is in fruit terms.  Then sometimes stand next to it to show how big their bump is.  I was thinking of doing this for infertility, the weekly update part.  The bump is really just my belly fat, it isn't that interesting.

This is another example of the fun things fertile preggos get to do.  Just like this blog, which I really just wanted a PG blog to document everything.  Then decided to start the early and do a "journey to pregnancy" blog.  A year later I'm still blogging about the stupid journey and I'm not much closer to having a baby. 

Chalkboard are a lot harder to find than you thing.  I went to Wal-Mart, Office Max and then Home Depot to just buy the paint to make a chalkboard.  

-Selbe