One Year

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One year ago I start this blog.  Although I feel I haven't made it far in this past year, I have learned a lot. 

Last March I ditched my old OBGYN on base for one out in town.  This also ended my short time on birth control which was supposed to regulate my very irregular cycles.  I got my first ultrasound, which ended up being more awkward than anything.  I listened to the much younger than me, unmarried girl next to me be congratulated by the ultrasound techs.  She looked at me the whole time probably thinking I was pregnant just like her.  I also started my first round of Clomid that month.

In April, I realized Clomid wasn't working and took Provera to start my period again.  My Clomid dose got increased.  The OBGYN diagnosed me with minor PCOS.

In May, I actually ovulated with Clomid, but didn't get pregnant.  

In June, I get invited to a string of baby showers, one which I almost cried at.  Same story as May.

In July, my Clomid stopped working and my dose got increased for the second time.  Bean's semen analysis also came back borderline low and my blood test showed I just wasn't ovulating.

In August, I started my fifth and final round of Clomid.  I was sent to an RE after lack of response to the drug.  The RE diagnosed me with PCOS.  Bean & I also celebrated our second wedding anniversary.

In September, Bean's second semen analysis came back normal.  I replaced my Clomid with Vitex.  I had a second ultrasound which showed I was normal inside and had tons of follicles.  My blood work showed I had high estrogen.  And I learned an HSG is a lot more painful than they told me.  

In October, I went in for Laparoscopic Surgery and Hysteroscopy after they couldn't get the HSG tube past my cervix.  I also begin ovulating on my own.

In November, I gave Vitex a third try, first time trying to conceive after surgery.  RE suggested I move to injectables with TI, IUI or IVF instead.

A week before Christmas in December I learned I was pregnant.  My betas looked amazing.

In January, I began bleeding and was sent for an ultrasound where everything looked OK.  A week and half later I started bleeding again and was sent for an ultrasounds.  I saw my baby and it's heartbeat, then was told the baby is not going to make it.  After a few more ultrasounds the heart had stopped.  I had my D&C a day after my birthday.  Bean turned 32 and I turned 27 this month.

In February, I watched my beta numbers slowly head towards zero indicating I'm no longer pregnant.  

This March my beta numbers are still being watched.  I'm still waiting on my post D&C period to arrive.  And my second Hysteroscopy is booked for the end of the month.

I really hope this coming year is much better than the past.  I really hope when I update a year from now that I'm holding my new baby, or at least have one inside of me.

I don't know when I'm going to get my period again.  I've been cramping a lot lately, maybe soon?  

Honestly I feel like I don't even care anymore about being pregnant or having children.  I feel like the dream has gotten further away and even more unreachable.  To the point now I don't want to go through anymore medical procedures and spend my time tracking things.  I'm happy to move across country, move into our new house, met new people, and start my new job.  Leave my infertile self behind here.  I want to forget about this dream and have a bunch of unprotected sex for awhile.  Maybe someday the dream will come back to me.

-Selbe