Trip to NY

My surgery is in the morning.  I'm more frustrated with everything than anything else.  

Hysteroscopy & Laparoscopic Surgery  - October 2011

Dilation & Evacuation - January 2012

Hysteroscopy - March 2012

This is my third time at the surgery center since October (well fourth if you count the first one getting canceled).  I'm exhausted from the same process over and over again, for different reasons.

I'm still waiting for Provera to work.  I've taken six pills so far (was only supposed to take five but had extra).  I've also started Vitamin C.

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Trip to NY

I've had four days in a row off work this week.  Monday I drove five hours to NY to visit my father.  Tuesday morning I drove my father an hour each way to the Apple store to buy a new laptop.  Then spent the way transferring all his files from his really old PC.  Until 10PM when I was frustrated and couldn't do it anymore.  Today I helped him with his computer again.  Then drove the five hours back to NH to get here in time for my 6PM art class.  Tomorrow surgery, Friday I'm back at work.

This trip to NY is FAR from a vacation.  My father isn't that great with computers.  He gets a pop-up saying he has a virus, he downloads the program, installs it and then it shuts his computer down unless he pay them a certain amount of money.  Yes, someone actually falls for this.  Plus I'm pretty sure he visits a lot of porn sites.  The PC is loaded with so many viruses and spyware.  So I am switching him to a Mac, that way if he decides to download these programs they won't install.  My father has a temper, short patience, and asks questions using the wrong computer terms so you have to try is decipher what he really means.  If you guess wrong then he gets pissed at you.  It's frustrating and my patience also begins to run thin after hours of this.  Among other issues like "why doesn't it come with a book?" and making stupid jokes, I'd rather sit home and do nothing.  

I brought my five month old puppy with me, a test trip for him.  This was only 200+ miles, we'll be doing 3,000+ with him and two ferrets in three weeks.  (Ferrets are fine, we have done long road trips with them before.)  I wanted to make sure he'd up OK (not destroy the car, get car sick, have enough room, not get too hot, be alright in a new place) before finding out later on.  For being so young he was surprisingly decent.  He didn't chew on/dig at anything in the car or at my fathers.  He just sat there looking out the window or sleeping in the car.  He holds his bladder much longer now and had no accidents.  But is a little poop shy and had a hard time deciding to go.  The breed (Chow Chow) can be aggressive to strangers.  He barked at the toll booth collectors and strangers in the parking lot that got too close to the car.  Even grandpa (my father) he growled and barked at.  He waited and followed me around at grandpas.  If I was upstairs (Loki is still learning stairs) he'd wait at the bottom for me.  And waited by the door when I left to pick up pizza.  I told Bean about this "annoying" behavior and he said Loki is trying to protect me from people he thinks is a threat.  I've never had someone to protect me before (here and here), this might be nice.  Only thing that really pissed me off was I taught him the little stair in the garage.  I opened the door to start loading the car as we were leaving and he ran out and into the front yard without me.  I called him a couple times and he came running back, which was good.  But I was afraid I lost him forever.  I was upset at him for that.  I stuck him in the car while I loaded everything else.  Once we got on the road I noticed he was in the far back (not up by me) and looking out the window, only looking at me over his shoulder occasionally.  I could tell he was upset for getting yelled at and sensed I was still angry.  He didn't mean to be bad, I know he's young and just wanted to run and play in the yard, and he did come back when I said "come".  I ended up stopping at a local pet store and bringing him inside to pick out a toy.  There is this stupid sheep toy he plays with every puppy class (he plays with it more than the other puppies) that I have been avoiding buying because I know he'll destroy it quick.  Anyways he's the happiest dog every now with the sheep and carries it around wherever.  Overall the dog is way easier than my family.

-Selbe

Ovulation in the Future?

CD14

Or maybe just a false alarm?

Today would be CD14 today, from my surgery.  Which isn't accurate.  I don't think I'd actually ovulate this soon.  

My Ovacue is looking amazing.  Decreasing and increasing where it should be.  Almost perfect for someone with a regular cycle.  I figured it would be all over the place like an anovulatory cycle.  Right on time at CD14-ish.  Ovacue is telling me I am going to ovulate soon.  Darker the blue, closer to ovulation, 'til it turns pink/purple.  The falling purple dots (vagina sensor) tell so too.  If they start going up quickly then I've ovulated.

I decided to give an pregnancy test (HCG, pink) a try.  I didn't hold my pee in for an length of time, in fact I don't really know how long it was.  And I took it at night.  The pregnancy test had a faint positive, the lightest I've seen since December.  I decided to try an OPK (LH, blue).  Really positive.

This is probably a fake though.  I found this site about LH and hCG hormones and why my OPK is lieing to me right now.  OPK's as HPT's: using an ovulation test to confirm pregnancy:

"...OPK's detect LH (luteinizing hormone) which is the hormone associated with ovulation. Pregnancy tests detect hCG, the hormone associated with pregnancy. LH and hCG are, at a molecular level, nearly identical. hCG has a beta subunit, meaning it has an extra little "doodad." To use a stupid but easy to understand example, LH and hCG are identical twins, except that hCG wears a funny hat.

An OPK tests only for the part of the molecule that LH and hCG have in common (the "face" or "body" of the identical twins.)...

So an OPK will turn positive when it detects either of the "identical twins"-- ovulation or pregnancy hormone. 

The reverse is not true, however, because an HPT tests for the part of the molecule that is unique to hCG (the "hat.")...

Therefore, a pregnancy test will turn positive only in the presence of hCG, whereas an OPK will turn positive in the presence of hCG or LH. ...

Additionally, OPK's are not as sensitive as a lot of HPT's are. This means that, if pregnant, you are likely to get a positive HPT earlier than you would get a positive OPK. ...

...if you are comparing a sensitive (20 mIU) OPK to some less-sensitive HPT's (sensitive to 25-50 mIU) then yes, it's true an OPK may turn positive before an HPT. ... 

Finally, research has shown there are actually different kinds of hCG. In some cases (most common in early pregnancy, or in pregnancies with chromosomal abnormalities) the hCG molecule may become "nicked" or "cleaved" (partially or completely separating into its alpha and beta units.) Ovulation tests may not recognize (cross-react) with all types of hCG molecules, and may be falsely negative during pregnancy. ... 

At the end of the day, a positive result on an HPT means you are pregnant. A positive result on an OPK could mean you are near ovulation, pregnant, or the test is picking up an entirely different hormone or element. Or it may be negative even if a woman is pregnant. With a positive HPT there is no doubt; a positive OPK may provide a clue, but doesn't really give you an answer for sure. ...

...some women have experimented with the principle that an OPK, even if it's negative, will become increasingly darker if she is pregnant. ..."

Long story short my OPK is picking up on the lingering hCG and LH hormone in my body.  Not just the LH like it should.  Although there is a chance it is a true, or close to, true positive.  If it was positive and only picking up on LH and maybe a little hCG then it will get darker and darker over the next few days, then lighter and lighter.  If it was picking up on LH and hCG then it would just get lighter and lighter.  I don't think I have the patience to test it out so we will go with it as being a false positive.  I'll put more faith in the Ovacue or just wait for my period.

The bleeding from my D&C ended sometime last week.  Overall it was a lot less blood than I was expecting.  Today I noticed some brown spotting and tonight I'm having menstrual cramps.  I feel like I'm getting my period.  My D&C was two weeks ago.  Not sure if this is the lingering effect of the D&C, or my period coming early.  This is the most cramping I've had since the hours after surgery.  

Loki graduated from his puppy class.  He does have eyes, he's just scared of everything and closes them when the flash goes off.  The world is scary when you are only 3 months old.

-Selbe

It's 9AM Somewhere

CD8

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." - My new favorite quote.

One week post D&C.  I feel fine.  My RE told me no sex for 7 days.  I made it 6 days 'til the night before and told Bean a couple hours will not hurt, and that it's 9AM somewhere (about the time my D&C was done).  I got my way.  The bleeding had stopped the day before and there was no pain.  I did have a little bit for red blood after the act but that has since stopped too.  

My biggest issues are 1. dizziness; 2. exhaustion.  The dizziness has good and bad days.  I'm trying to suck it up.  Exhaustion is from high pregnancy hormones still in my body, everything I've been though physically and mentally, and from my really bad allergies that are at their worse this time of year.  And I'm really stubborn sometimes so it is hard to get me to sit down and rest.

PG test week after D&C

My next hCG beta blood test is in the morning.  This will tell me much how much pregnancy hormones are still floating around in me.  Hope for low numbers, probably will not happen though.  My pregnancy tests are still coming out really dark.

I returned to the gym tonight.  I was watching a show about weight loss (TLC show, My 600-lb Life) via gastric bypass surgery.  The women had become pregnant after losing all this weight.  My first thought is this show sucks now as they showed how excited they were at ultrasound #1.  But then the baby's heart stopped and it showed her going for a D&C.  I can relate now.  The husband came on to say how long they were trying for and how happy they were, only to have it ripped away so soon.  Unfortunately this is an all too common story.  Not sure if the D&C was all hyped up for TV, but I handling it way better than this women.  I had no tears surgery day, in fact I was smiling because this crappy road was coming to an end.  I knew my baby was gone and there was nothing that could be done.  There is no point in carrying my dead child around in the uterus any longer, it was time to move on.  And I sure as hell wasn't laying in the backseat of the car whining in pain or crying the whole way home.   So if you are scheduled for a D&C don't watch that episode.

Loki on Graduation Day

I watched another women at the gym tonight.  I always want to know what others are lifting so I can compare myself.  My arms are a lot weaker than the rest of my body, 30-90lbs I can lift.  Next my abs, 70-90lbs.  Then my legs, 130-230lbs.  I'm not super skinny at all.  I'm 5'1", 150lbs. and my BMI is around 28 which puts me right under obese.  (Stomach 7 weeks pregnant.)  I haven't been to the gym in weeks due to being on restriction and so tired.  When I see women similar in size and age to me, but lifting way less, taking huge breaks between reps, texting, and most likely not one week post surgery, well I don't feel so crappy.  

My little puppy finished his first obedience class on Tuesday.  He turned 3 months old on January 21st.  It was only the really basic puppy class.  He learned sit, lay down, come, and stand.  I got him at 7 weeks old and signed him up for classes before he even came home (I wanted to be prepared).  So he had a hard time concentrating in the class since he is so young.  I felt bad for the trainer since a few of the classes he just wasn't with it.  But this week he graduated.  Bean and I took him to pick out a toy for his present.  Well $20 bucks later he now has a new favorite toy with many "indestructible" squeakers. *sigh*  Least he's happy.

-Selbe

Anger

I returned back to work Thursday, Bean on Wednesday.  I'd rather be at work, although there are some things that do upset me.  If not working then I'm just sitting on the couch or laying in bed.  That really doesn't help ether.

People keep asking me how I'm doing.   Honestly how would you be doing in my position?  I'm pissed, I'm angry.  I'm angry at other fertiles, at God, at myself.

Fertilies

I'm upset at couples that can get pregnant so easy.  The ones that try for 2 or 3 months or have just gotten off birth control.  Or the ones that get PG on accident.  Or the ones that get PG on accident while ON birth control (how does that even fucking happen?)  

I've been to the hospital for so many times this year for those that have had healthy babies.  We tried so long, so much.  Finally we got our dream only to have it taken away so soon.  I just happened to be in the small percentage of women this happens to.  A case of bad luck yet again.  Why do I feel like I'm the only one?  I know this isn't that uncommon, this happens to many women.  But yet I feel like I'm the only one to leave the hospital without a baby.  

Before complaining how crappy your pregnancy symptoms are or how horrible your child is, think of all the infertile women.  They would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  

The other day saw someone post on Facebook that they are upset they are not PG yet and would even take a miscarriage right now.  You want to take my life over and see your baby die?  Go right for it.  I'll give you this crappy situation.  Enjoy!

I don't know what's worse.  Getting PG and then losing your baby, or not getting PG at all.  I'm going to go with losing the baby.

God

For the infertile community I usually see one belief in God or the other.  1.  Those that believe God has a way for them and if they pray enough they will get it.  2.  Those that have seen so many bad things happen that they no longer believe said God exists.  I grew up learning God brings good things to those that deserve it and pray.  But what about bad things?  Does God also bring bad things to those that deserve it?  Does something else bring bad things?  Do bad things just come out of nowhere unlike good things?  I've seen a lot of bad things now, abuse and infertility to name a few.  Why does God give those that are clearly unfit to be parent a child?  (story of Caylee Anthony)  Why does he give those that are unwed (a sin) a child?  Why does he let people that are going to suck off welfare have unlimited children?  Why does he deny that to couples that are married, have amazing families and homes?  The anwser is simple.  1.  There is no God.  or 2. God does not control who gets good and bad.  Life is not fair.  If there was a being up there deciding who gets good and bad then life would be fair.  Shithole parents would become infertile and the infertiles would be given the amazing gift of life. However, it doesn't work that way. 

Myself

I'm angry I got myself so happy about the pregnancy.  I'm angry I had so much hope in it.  Maybe I didn't take enough folic acid?  Maybe 800mcg wasn't good enough for me?  (I literally went shopping for MORE folic acid supplements today.  Bean asked how much I need and I told him "more than I have now.")  I'm upset I can't be naive and enjoy a pregnancy without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong.  The ectopic, the miscarriage, my cervix falling.  I'll find something else once I'm cleared safe of all those.  I'm upset I know too much.  

And I'm also angry at my 18 year old unmarried co-worker than opps got pregnant.  I'm sorry I'm not all happy and hugs.  I am a bitch, I am angry.  The baby that took me 1.5 years to make is dying.  If you are pregnant then don't bother talking to me (unless you've been though the same things I have).  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to listen to the complaining.  I don't want to hear how horrible your life is.  Just let me be in my own bubble and looking out the window.  I'll come around someday, but it won't be today, or tomorrow, or even next week.  This goes for everyone who is pregnant.

My few days back at work have been alright.  I'm still kind of out of it.  I'm sure I spend a lot of time staring off into space.  Bean took me shopping last week and I randomly started walking away from him when he was looking at something on a shelve.  He found me half the store away looking at something.  He asked me what I was looking at and I told him "I don't know."  I really don't know.  I just wanted to walk.  I'm there but sometimes my mind isn't.

The hardest was today at work.  I had a few ladies buying tons of baby stuff for their grandchildren (guessing by their ages).  They were so excited and proud for their babies.  Makes me think of my own family.  Sometimes I feel like I never do anything right, my father is never proud of me.  And my mum is just too out of it in general.  I wonder what that's like to have someone proud of you.  But I will never know, least not with this baby.  Because I feel like I fucked up again.  

I keep getting dizzy.  Not sure if this is part of a miscarriage or my ears are messing with me.  I wrote a note with a short description of my medical problem and put it in the pocket.  I figure if I pass out or am in too much pain then someone will know what to do with me.

I got asked by a few people if I'm scared for my D&C on Thursday.  Odd enough both Bean and I are excited for it!  I was never really scared for my lap surgery last October ether, just more what they could find wrong with me since they were going in with the intent of finding something.  But the actually surgery, the IVs, being put out, waking up in pain later really doesn't concern me at all.  And this time they are not digging for something wrong.  Whenever I'm told I need another procedure, LEEP, HSG, lap surgery, the D&C now, at first I do feel sorry for myself.  Then I read a lot online, especially seeing many other women go though the same thing, and just tell myself they are routine procedures or something.  I don't feel bad anymore and then somehow assume EVERY women has them done.  Until I met someone one day that is in fear of something stupid like an abnormal pap smear or simple IV and think they are a little bitch.  Not sure if this helps the situation at all.  Haha.  Anyways we are excited for the D&C and chance to move on for baby #2.  

At the store tonight I saw this toy.  Bean told me it's a baby toy.  I told him I found it in the dog aisle, and it says "pet" on it.  It's for puppies.  Then talked him into buying it.  Toys like this are for pet owners who don't have children.  Especially those that are infertile and have replaced the dog as a child.  We buy toys like this, and the Kong Puppy Binkie, so we feel semi better about the lack of child we don't have.  Dear dog, please wait at least a week before ripping its wings off.

I went on a beauty supply shopping spree the other night.  It made me feel semi better.  Today I made an appointment to get my hair done next week.

-Selbe