Sunday, May 13, 2012

Second Place Gift

7 Weeks
It's kind of embarrassing to admit I feel this way.  Every so often this happens.

My husband asked for a dog for years and years.  I'm not really a dog person, I've never owned one growing up.  I've always told my husband no, they are too much work.  After this past year of infertility and just a crappy year in general Bean again asked for a dog.  I said yes this time.
  1. My year couldn't possible get anymore crappy than it already was.  At the time I had gone through five failed attempts at Clomid and lap surgery.  
  2. A dog and all the stuff that goes with a puppy is cheaper than fertility treatment.
So we bought a five week old puppy, he came home a few weeks later.  Puppy was $800 and all the stuff to go with him was $400, still cheaper than a round of IUI.  Plus he was a "baby" and I wanted a baby (human, not dog) so maybe this would do for now.

I did have a few people on Facebook troubled that I bought a puppy and didn't adopt a dog out of a shelter.  Yes, there are a lot of dogs in the shelter being put to sleep.  I do feel sorry for them.  It's sad that bad things have to happen to good animals (or people) that don't deserve it.  One of the biggest things I've learned with infertility is that life is not fair.  The next dog I get I promise I will look in a shelter first.  But if I never have a newborn baby, please let me have a newborn dog at least once in my life.  

Even before the dog arrived I thought, "maybe this is it for me?"  Maybe there is no baby for me?

We got Loki and a week later I found out I was pregnant.  My dream! 

A month later I lost the baby.   

I looked at Loki with resentment.  I know he didn't cause the miscarriage.  But he was my second place gift.  The gift I got because first place didn't work out.  And now it really didn't work out.  I so very much wanted first place.  I just wanted a baby of my own.  

He's not a bad dog.  I don't blame him for any of it, the infertility and miscarriage were not his fault.  And I surely don't abuse him.  However, I feel like I haven't been able to 100% bound with him because of this.  

I wonder if this was a one time miscarriage.  I just happened to fall into the percentage that naturally miscarries.  Or if what they say about how many women miscarry their first is true.  That the body just doesn't know what to do the first time.  But then what if I fall victim to RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss).  I don't think I could go through this over and over again like some women.

I know many people have it much easier than myself.  But I also know there are a lot of people out there that have it way worse.  I try to tell myself that when I'm feeling down and remind myself of what I do have.  I tell myself maybe that baby wasn't the right baby for me.  Even thought I very much so wanted it, maybe there is a better baby out there for me.  One that turns out to be super smart.  Or maybe boy-girl twins like I want (not greedy though).  Even after the doctor said there was something wrong I immediately though "well fix it".  It doesn't work that way with a fetus smaller than a flax seed.    Bean even questions how we would have been able to deal with a child born with severe mental or physical problems.

6 Months
Many days a week I still wonder what I could have done better in those early weeks of pregnancy so my baby could still be alive.  But really there are women that smoke, drink and do drugs during pregnancy.  And I keep going over the fact that 800mg of folic acid wasn't enough, or the fish sandwich I had once had mercury in it, or drinking a can of soda every so often was too much.  Maybe those things killed my baby.  Then I realize those thoughts are ridiculous. 

I'm trying to make myself feel better on this Mother's Day.  I admit often I do start crying silently.  Tear running down my face and then I fall to the floor.  I lean up against a wall or cabinet curled up in a ball crying.  This goes on for 5 or 10 minutes.  Then I get up off the floor and go on with my day.

Today I am hanging out with Loki all day (though I do most days anyways) and I will hug him over and over again.  I might not have the baby I dream of but I have to remind myself that I do at least have him.

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