On a Break

And then there was the end...

That pretty much sums up IUI #2.

It Only Takes One

Fertile and infertile women say this to me all the time, especially after my last IUI.  I know they are trying to be optimistic for me but I really find it annoying.  Honestly being in my shoes look at it this way:

	IUI #1	IUI #2	IUI	IUI
Motility	83%	45%	-	100%
Rapid & Linear	58%	5%	-	100%
Total Sperm	12.5 mil	1.3 mil	1	100 mil
Total Eggs	1	2	4	3
Outcome	-	- ?	LOL	+ ?

Logically if 12.5 million swimming to 1 egg = negative, then 1.3 million non-swimming to 2 eggs = most likely negative.  So just one sperm, swimming or not, to 17 fucking eggs is also going to equal negative.

I'd much rather be honest and realistic, and I know that doesn't work for some people.  But that is what works for me.  Once I get the hope in my mind, all the other happy thoughts and dreams come with it.  When I find out it didn't work I end up crying my eyes out for hours.  It's better off to be realistic, expect the worst and be emotional prepared for it.

Don't tell me "well it only takes one".  Just fucking say you're sorry and move on.

Maybe I've just had a crappy life and I'm used to horrible luck.

Chemical

My cramps have mine really bad this cycle.  I've been drugged up on Midol every few hours.  TMI  Tons of clots and my spotting was almost purple.  That combined with the test from the other day, maybe I'm having a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage?  I'd never know since I didn't get blood work and I'm not going to wander over to the ER now to have it done.  Not like they could do anything  for me anyways.  Labeling myself as having a chemical pregnancy isn't exactly on honor.  

Future Plans with IVF

My plans before with using Bean's cryopreservation was to complete about 8-ish IUIs before I got to the top of the IVF list.  So far we've done two, August and then September 2012.  October is canceled.  November might be canceled depending on some other scheduling.  December is still on.  After that my schedule gets sketchy.  It looks like December will be my third IUI and that's it.  I wouldn't mind going to IVF and not completing a third IUI.  Bean's numbers are not that great, so I'm not even sure it's worth it.  Only reason I even do the IUIs to begin with is there's a tiny bit of hope and they are only $200.  

I'm looking forward to this break for a cycle or two.  I'll still be on Met everyday.  I'd hate to stop and have to spend another three weeks of my body getting used to it again later on.  It's just easier to stick with it.  Met usually takes about three month in your body before it starts to work so I'm interested in seeing it it kicks in.

I hate the number 13.  The ultrasound was on a Friday the 13th.  Ever since I'm superstitious of it.  I don't like odd numbers, and 3's.  I don't really a baby born in 2013.  That might sound weird, but I really hoped to make the 2012 cut off.  Now 2014, that's a safe number.  At least I've checked off over half of 2013 now.

I'm going to call Madigan tomorrow and double check with them when my approximate IVF date is.  I can't always trust the things they tell me because they tend to leave out details and are unorganized.  I think the price increased from $6000 to $8000 a couple months ago too.  I'd like to have around $12-14k saved up for IVF and possibly a FET or two.

An IVF cycle ($8-13k) consists of injectable drugs, blood work, ultrasounds, going in to retrieve the eggs when mature, having the eggs combined with sperm in the lab to create embryos, and then a few days later putting 1 or 2 embryos in the uterus.  The extra embryos, can be none, can be 20, are frozen. If the IVF cycle does not work (or you want your baby to have siblings years down the road) then the next cycle the frozen embryos are used.  This cycle is called a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and costs about $4k on top of what you already paid for the IVF.  Every time you go to do FET with the remaining embryos and you have pay again.

I'm a much better candidate for IVF than IUI due to my age and that fact I have tons of eggs for the average 27 year old.  Plus if I have ten eggs, well theoretically Bean only needs 10 sperm, not 10 million.  And they don't even need to be swimming or have tails.

Since I'm not TTC I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging for the next month or so.  Forgive me if I'm missing for bits of time.

PS I got a new basal thermometer today!  My old one needed a new battery, and it was cheaper to buy a new thermometer than one of those tiny watch batteries.  I'll keep my current one as backup.

-Selbe

Spontaneous Plans

I'm booked on a super early (like getting up at 3am) flight tomorrow from Seattle to location X where Bean currently is.  I don't know if it will be too late.  I did my trigger Thursday night at 10pm so by the time I land it will be 60 hours after trigger.  

My temp was higher this morning but this was on very little sleep and taking the temp hours earlier since I had to be up to catch the ferry to Seattle.

I was so upset when I talked to Bean.  He got me on the earliest flight tomorrow, and then I fly home the following day. 

Not sure how realistic this plan is.  But I know I have a higher percentage doing this verses the IUI.

-Selbe

A Move Closer to IVF

Today's IUI was done with 1.3 million sperm, not good.  "Vial 1" from May had 10 million post freeze, and most of those didn't survive the thaw.  I asked about "Vial 2" from June that was still frozen and they said it would produce about 2 million, 3 at the most.  A little bit better.  But the RE would like 10 million and above.  Plus motility and R&L went down.

	IUI #1 - BFN	IUI #2
Volume	0.5 ml	0.5 ml
Concentration	30 millon	5.6 millon
Motility	83%	45%
Rapid & Linear	58%	5%
Total	12.5 millon	1.3 million

They gave me the option of canceling the cycle and just walking away.  But I already did the Femara, trigger shot, had two great eggs and got lost in Seattle trying to get to the RE.  I already drank four cups of water to have a full bladder and I was half naked on their table.  The chances of getting PG with those numbers are next to nothing, even with two good quality eggs.  But I paid the $225 for the IUI and went through with it.  The fact that I actually had eggs to ovulate was rare and I just can't go home to have timed intercourse as a backup.  I had to do something.  

This is my first and last cycle doing IUI from a non fresh sample.  "Vial 2" will be labeled for IVF only, or discarded in the future.  

I will wait for AF and then next cycle I will have no meds except Metformin.  The October IUI will be canceled obviously.  My PCOS will probably just make my ovaries go into sleep mode again.  Right before my husband comes home from deployment I will take Provera to start my cycle again.  

I'm going to call the RE on Monday and double check where my spot is on the IVF wait list.  Then possibly having a WTF appointment and talk about having my ovaries drilled out while I wait in October.

-Selbe

Not Hopeful

Dog is super cute though...

Last two cycles I've been able to feel my ovaries, at least my right one that had follicles on it.  Even the tiny 10mm follicle.  This cycle, nothing.  My U/S is Thursday morning and something tells me this is not going to go good.  I'm trying to make a plan in advance if there are no follicles.  Ether I can go in for ovarian drilling surgery or do Femara plus injectables next cycle.  The surgery is good because I can get it done and still have the wait period before TTC again.  This will be the rest of the deployment.  Other than IUI with frozen sperm I'm not going to get much TTC in anyways.  Plus it could "cure" me or temporarily make my ovaries work better, or at least with low level drugs like dinky Clomid.  Only thing is my husband is not home so I'll have to find someone to drive and pick me up from the surgery.  

I'm not too hopeful for this U/S or even making it to IUI this cycle.

-Selbe