On a Break

And then there was the end...

That pretty much sums up IUI #2.

It Only Takes One

Fertile and infertile women say this to me all the time, especially after my last IUI.  I know they are trying to be optimistic for me but I really find it annoying.  Honestly being in my shoes look at it this way:

	IUI #1	IUI #2	IUI	IUI
Motility	83%	45%	-	100%
Rapid & Linear	58%	5%	-	100%
Total Sperm	12.5 mil	1.3 mil	1	100 mil
Total Eggs	1	2	4	3
Outcome	-	- ?	LOL	+ ?

Logically if 12.5 million swimming to 1 egg = negative, then 1.3 million non-swimming to 2 eggs = most likely negative.  So just one sperm, swimming or not, to 17 fucking eggs is also going to equal negative.

I'd much rather be honest and realistic, and I know that doesn't work for some people.  But that is what works for me.  Once I get the hope in my mind, all the other happy thoughts and dreams come with it.  When I find out it didn't work I end up crying my eyes out for hours.  It's better off to be realistic, expect the worst and be emotional prepared for it.

Don't tell me "well it only takes one".  Just fucking say you're sorry and move on.

Maybe I've just had a crappy life and I'm used to horrible luck.

Chemical

My cramps have mine really bad this cycle.  I've been drugged up on Midol every few hours.  TMI  Tons of clots and my spotting was almost purple.  That combined with the test from the other day, maybe I'm having a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage?  I'd never know since I didn't get blood work and I'm not going to wander over to the ER now to have it done.  Not like they could do anything  for me anyways.  Labeling myself as having a chemical pregnancy isn't exactly on honor.  

Future Plans with IVF

My plans before with using Bean's cryopreservation was to complete about 8-ish IUIs before I got to the top of the IVF list.  So far we've done two, August and then September 2012.  October is canceled.  November might be canceled depending on some other scheduling.  December is still on.  After that my schedule gets sketchy.  It looks like December will be my third IUI and that's it.  I wouldn't mind going to IVF and not completing a third IUI.  Bean's numbers are not that great, so I'm not even sure it's worth it.  Only reason I even do the IUIs to begin with is there's a tiny bit of hope and they are only $200.  

I'm looking forward to this break for a cycle or two.  I'll still be on Met everyday.  I'd hate to stop and have to spend another three weeks of my body getting used to it again later on.  It's just easier to stick with it.  Met usually takes about three month in your body before it starts to work so I'm interested in seeing it it kicks in.

I hate the number 13.  The ultrasound was on a Friday the 13th.  Ever since I'm superstitious of it.  I don't like odd numbers, and 3's.  I don't really a baby born in 2013.  That might sound weird, but I really hoped to make the 2012 cut off.  Now 2014, that's a safe number.  At least I've checked off over half of 2013 now.

I'm going to call Madigan tomorrow and double check with them when my approximate IVF date is.  I can't always trust the things they tell me because they tend to leave out details and are unorganized.  I think the price increased from $6000 to $8000 a couple months ago too.  I'd like to have around $12-14k saved up for IVF and possibly a FET or two.

An IVF cycle ($8-13k) consists of injectable drugs, blood work, ultrasounds, going in to retrieve the eggs when mature, having the eggs combined with sperm in the lab to create embryos, and then a few days later putting 1 or 2 embryos in the uterus.  The extra embryos, can be none, can be 20, are frozen. If the IVF cycle does not work (or you want your baby to have siblings years down the road) then the next cycle the frozen embryos are used.  This cycle is called a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and costs about $4k on top of what you already paid for the IVF.  Every time you go to do FET with the remaining embryos and you have pay again.

I'm a much better candidate for IVF than IUI due to my age and that fact I have tons of eggs for the average 27 year old.  Plus if I have ten eggs, well theoretically Bean only needs 10 sperm, not 10 million.  And they don't even need to be swimming or have tails.

Since I'm not TTC I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging for the next month or so.  Forgive me if I'm missing for bits of time.

PS I got a new basal thermometer today!  My old one needed a new battery, and it was cheaper to buy a new thermometer than one of those tiny watch batteries.  I'll keep my current one as backup.

-Selbe

A Move Closer to IVF

Today's IUI was done with 1.3 million sperm, not good.  "Vial 1" from May had 10 million post freeze, and most of those didn't survive the thaw.  I asked about "Vial 2" from June that was still frozen and they said it would produce about 2 million, 3 at the most.  A little bit better.  But the RE would like 10 million and above.  Plus motility and R&L went down.

	IUI #1 - BFN	IUI #2
Volume	0.5 ml	0.5 ml
Concentration	30 millon	5.6 millon
Motility	83%	45%
Rapid & Linear	58%	5%
Total	12.5 millon	1.3 million

They gave me the option of canceling the cycle and just walking away.  But I already did the Femara, trigger shot, had two great eggs and got lost in Seattle trying to get to the RE.  I already drank four cups of water to have a full bladder and I was half naked on their table.  The chances of getting PG with those numbers are next to nothing, even with two good quality eggs.  But I paid the $225 for the IUI and went through with it.  The fact that I actually had eggs to ovulate was rare and I just can't go home to have timed intercourse as a backup.  I had to do something.  

This is my first and last cycle doing IUI from a non fresh sample.  "Vial 2" will be labeled for IVF only, or discarded in the future.  

I will wait for AF and then next cycle I will have no meds except Metformin.  The October IUI will be canceled obviously.  My PCOS will probably just make my ovaries go into sleep mode again.  Right before my husband comes home from deployment I will take Provera to start my cycle again.  

I'm going to call the RE on Monday and double check where my spot is on the IVF wait list.  Then possibly having a WTF appointment and talk about having my ovaries drilled out while I wait in October.

-Selbe

Not You, It's Me

It's Not You, It's Me

Source

I met you online before I moved here and we have a few common interests.  I know you have struggled with infertility in the past too.

I don't even know if you read this.  You have never mentioned this blog or anything on it, nor commented on it.  So maybe I'll send this to you in an email someday.  

We live near one another now yet we rarely hang out.  And when we do I'm kind of distant.  

See the thing is, when I was going through my miscarriage, you got pregnant naturally.  Your due date is close to mine.  September I believe.  So close that when I see that you have ultrasounds done, mention how great it is to feel movement, or whatever baby shopping that has been done I feel sad.  I am happy for you.  But I reminds me of what I would be doing right now with my baby boy, if he hadn't died.  That makes me hurt.

I know you've done fertility treatment before.  So we are equal in that sense.  But you've never felt loss.  I know you don't fully understand the emotions that float around in my head about my miscarriage.  Nor would I ever want you to.  And please don't feel bad for me.

I'm sorry I don't ask you how your baby is doing.  Or other baby related things going on in your life. I'm sorry I don't call or text to make plans to spend time with you.  I'm sorry I had to hide all your posts on Facebook, yet I do check on you once a day just to make sure you are OK.  I'm sorry I'm such a poor infertility friend, though if the tables were turned I wouldn't blame you.  

I'm trying to perverse my sanity and emotional well-being.  Like the bad break-up line, it really is me.

But if you do need a ride to the hospital, someone to come sit with you, need someone to bring a meal, someone to care for your pets or want me to show up at the hospital to photograph your newborn for free (like I've done for so many other military families), please feel free to call.

Cycle Moved Up

I started spotting Saturday.  I'm confused by it since it takes my body forever to respond to Provera.  This shouldn't be happening this early!  Maybe my Met is doing something for me.  But really it doesn't matter, it will push my next cycle up by a week but there was nothing pending on those dates to begin with.  I think Monday will be CD1 since there is more spotting and the cramping is getting worse.  But I've been wrong before.

Pregnancy Test Sale

One of the pharmacies had a sale on FRER HPT last week, plus I had my coupons.  I bought a bunch of them.  I remember the day I used to get embarrassed when I'd have to buy a pregnancy test.  And now I grab like five boxes and tell the cashier I don't even need a bag to hide them in.  

And remember those times you used to shave down there for your annual pap smear because you didn't want to be hairy and gross for the doctor.  And now you don't even care if Bigfoot is hanging out in your panties?  OK that's a lie.  I still have to make everything presentable.  I don't even know why, not like it matters anymore.

-Selbe

Being Happy After Everything

Happy and Sad cookies from a
bakery down the road from
my house.

Being Happy 

I've been pretty happy lately.

Not sure what it is.  My break from TTC?  Or realizing I'm no longer in the race to get pregnant by my due date?  Maybe  the Metformin affecting my mood?  Or the fact I actually remembered to take my vitamin D supplements (I'm deficient BTW)?  Or my running?  A few of those things are supposed to help with depression.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed though, or ever was.  I am lazy and mope around sometimes, and I do cry.  But given everything I've gone through in the last couple months I'm doing pretty well.  

My husband's work schedule has been far from ideal lately but I seem to be the only wife not complaining about it.  I admit it does suck he has to work long hours, even on the weekends.  But I find other things to do.  

With everything I am happy and content.  

Approaching Due Date

I mentioned before my due date is coming up at the end of August.  My original hope was to get pregnant again by then.  I mean it was nine months away, that's a LONG time.  And everyone always says you're more fertile after a miscarriage.  (I fucking hate this too.)  And I know SO MANY people that have gotten pregnant a month or three later.  (Most of them don't have PCOS and another other fertility problems.)  

Back in January getting pregnant by August 25th seemed easy.  It's like 7 months off.  My due date would be way easier emotionally if I knew I had another baby on the way.  And then it was 5 months off.  Plenty of time!  Then 3 months off.  Still doable.  And now...

It isn't going to happen.  And I'm OK with it.

Back when my last IUI got canceled I counted the days.  Days 'til I could take Provera.  Days 'til I'd get my period.  Days 'til I ovulate at the earliest.  Days of my two week wait.  Even if everything goes down to plan I still will not be pregnant by my due date.  

I've made other plans for the day now.

Food Aversion

Every since about April I have been having problems with food aversion, especially meat.  In the past I mention I don't eat cow.  It's not that I feel bad for little moo moo, it's that hamburgers and steaks don't taste good to me.  And over the last 15 years they kind of look gross too.  I do eat chicken, turkey and pig though.  Well that was 'til a couple months ago.  Those sound gross to me too now.  Bean has tried chicken in all forms, grilled, fried, mixed with other things.  Sometimes I'll eat it, most of the time I will not.  Turkey I wont really touch ether, and I haven't even attempted Wilbur. 

I would say it's my prego hormones, if I was pregnant.  I just figure it is all my other hormones out of whack.  I have been trying to find protein in other forms now.

We were buying some organic products in NH, and even more here since it's more available.  I'm not a hardcore organic eater, if I want raspberries and they only have the regular version then I'm still going to get raspberries.  But if the organic is there I'll grab that instead.  Only thing is they tend to cost a lot more.  Same goes for gluten-free products.  I hear organic and glute-free are better for fertility anyways.  For meals there is a lot more food made at home verses in a restaurant.  And what is made at home is much more from scratch.  Mainly Bean cooking because I am a horrible cook.  

Thank You Met!

My Metformin side effects this week = way less.  No nausea at all.  Woo hoo!  Now I just have to remember to eat three meals a day so I can take all three pills.

Deleting Spree

I went on a Facebook friends deleting spree the other day.  Mostly people I went to high school with, not even sure why I'm their "friend" anyways since we didn't talk that much back then.  I don't comment on any of their stuff, they don't comment on any of mine.  I really only keep them on there to look at their pictures from time to time.  You know the usually, make sure they are worse off than me, and make sure they got fatter than me.  The stuff that makes you feel better about yourself.  Well it's time to move on, it's been nine years since I graduated and about 3,000 miles.  We no longer have anything in common.  I still have a bunch more people to go though though.  

Tips For Upcoming Appointments

Before going to your OGBYN or RE appointment write down a list of questions you have, and maybe a set treatment you would like to look into.  That way you get the most out of your appointment.  And don't get down the road and suddenly remember something you forgot to ask about.  

-Selbe

Nasty Side Effects of Met

At Bean's Award Ceremony

TTC

My Met has been making me pretty sick lately.  Mostly the nausea and the other night I spent several hours vomiting.  Last night was pretty bad too.  I'm trying to find food that set this off, and other foods to cure it when the nausea starts.  Other days I am fine.  I'm going to try to increase to 1500mg in the next couple days.  Once I get to 1500mg I don't need to increase anymore.  The side effects will go away over time.

No other TTC news.  I'll call up Thursday to get my Provera and Femara prescription.  Which will involve peeing in a cup and standing in a long pharmacy line.  So a waste of a Friday at a military hospital.  CD30 will be Saturday for me, which is the earliest I can take Provera.  Five days of that, then twelve days of waiting and I should be set for next cycle.  Looking at July 30th.

I want to take a trip to the local tattoo place sometime soon.  I'd like to have the tattoo done on or near my due date but since I'll be in cycle that will not work.  So I need to decide to have it done soon (within the next two weeks) or early September.

Other News

Bean had his awards ceremony last week that I went to.  We are brand new and I haven't really made many friends in our current command.  I'm old (27 is the new 50 for military spouses), this isn't our first sea tour, and my husband made E-7 last year.  With the US military E-7 and up can't really hang out with E-6 and below in the same command (except there are a couple exceptions).  Which doesn't effect me much, but inviting my husband to your BBQ isn't going to happen.  My husband is your husband's boss so I feel odd.  Combine the fact that I'm infertile and have no kids.  Well I don't expect to be making too many friends soon.  

My Tummy

I toured the gym not too far from my house the other day.  It came to be more expensive than I realized ($40 a month, $70 start-up, $15 for classes).  My old gym was only $20/month for unlimited everything!  Plus the new gym seemed kind of high class and didn't have much equipment.  I'm going to stick to running and then lift at the base gym since it is free there.  

-Selbe

Plan for the Future

The Plan

There are some thing in life that I'm adamant about having a plan for.  Like the time in Greece where Bean and I took a bus three hours to a tourist spot only to find they were closed for the day.  I ended up crying on the side of the road because we didn't have a hotel room and I didn't want to take the bus back.  That trip should of had a plan.  And there are some things in my life that I'm "whatever" about.  Like my college degrees, none which I use and I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life.  

So what's the plan if Femara doesn't work?  Femara is shown to have better success in PCOS, especially after Clomid has failed.  But it is not 100%.  I have a little knowledge about my insurance, cost of meds, IUI and pills vs. injectables.

In NH:

• I was seen by an outside provider (base didn't have someone to deal with infertility)
• Since I did so horrible on Clomid I was getting switched to injectables - Gonal-f, which would cost me about $500 since I would be on a low dose at first
• Trigger shot - $50
• IUI, with all the blood work and ultrasounds - $2-2.5k
• Total Out-of-Pocket - $3,000

In WA:

• I was sent out to a local Army Hospital, where they do have fertility doctors
• I can do Clomid+injectables, or Femara+injectable (but not straight injectables) - The meds for this piggy back cycle would be free
• Trigger - free
• IUI - $200
• Total Out-of-Pocket - $200

My insurance will not cover straight injectables.  But they will cover a cycle mixed with pill form fertility drugs.  This is stupid and I don't really get it.  Something about funding.  So even it I do get injectables I'll still be taking Clomid or Femara, even if it does nothing for me.  This is just to make them happy.  Or I could pay the full price of the injectable.  This is at least until I make it to my IVF date, then it will be all injectables.  

They also talked about possible doing ovary drilling.  

Met

My Patriot Nails

I haven't had any bad side effects from Metformin 1000mg ether.  The worst of it is during the morning when I first wake up I am nauseous.  Usually if I eat like half a granola bar and fall back asleep I am fine.

Fourth of July

Happy 4th of July America!  Bean and I are going to eat some unhealthy non-organic, non-glute free fast food, drink Mike's Hard Lemonade and be one of those crazies that sets fireworks off.  Hopefully we will not hurt ourselves or set anything on fire in the process.  It will be some stupid fun, which I think we all need right now.

-Selbe

Tattoo Ideas

I increased my Metformin to 1000mg today.  I haven't had any bad side effects.  One day of diarrhea which was more like an mild lactose intolerant attack.  Any other side effect I can push off as having too much dairy.    

Source

Bean's last two cryopreservations only resulted in one vial each time.  I found out why is because it is washed before frozen, cutting down on space.  We currently owe SRM $500 and have two vials in the freezer.

I thought I'd share the tattoo idea I had.  I like the wings, I like the footprint (though I only want one, not two) and I like the halo but in blue.  The one in the picture is very small, I'd like 3 or 4 times the size of it.  I don't want any names or dates on it though.  Now I just have to find a tattoo place I trust, being new to the area in all.

I added some photos from our hike last weekend.  This is the Spruce Railroad Trail on Lake Crescent outside of Port Angeles, WA.

Bean & Loki

Blue water

Blue water

Mountains

Trail

Bridge

Selbe & Loki

For all those Twilight fans out there

-Selbe

IUI Canceled

Source

IUI 1.0 got canceled today.  My lining grew, I was at 6.5 this morning.  But my 10mm follicle from the Tuesday was still 10mm this morning.  They don't except it to grow anymore, or for my ovaries to even release it.  

When CD30 hits I'll start Provera.  Or maybe a few days early because I have leftovers here.  I'm CD15 now so that will be July 14th.  Then the three weeks for AF to show up.  It puts me at mid-August for IUI 1.5.   

Originally they were going to bump me up to Clomid 150mg.  I thought, "Great, so I'm not doing anything next cycle."  (I was unresponsive last August on 150mg.)  Then they gave me the option of Femara so I took that instead.  It has less side effects, seems to have a better response for PCOSers and isn't Clomid.  

Since Femara is brand new to me I am excited for it.  My three cycles post-Clomid (and before I got pregnant) all resulted in ovulation.  Not sure if it was Clomid left in my system or Vitex.  Maybe I'll have the same luck next post-Clomid cycle.  RE also said my Metformin might help by then and lower my insulin levels.  Not that they are high to begin with (low 90's) but will make them low-normal or something like that.  Maybe normal levels are not good enough for these ovaries.  

Overall I'm fine.  I didn't cry or anything today.  I had I feeling from the beginning that this IUI wouldn't result in PG (although I though I'd make it to the actual IUI part).  I'm looking forward to enjoying my July 4th week like a normal person and not someone going though fertility treatment.  I'll also be enjoying my break since as much as back-to-back treatment cycles sound like a good idea, it is also very emotion draining.  

Thank you everyone for your prayers, thoughts, or whatever you do.  Please save them for August.  

(PS My due date for baby boy is coming up on August 25th and I'm currently looking around for ideas to celebrate him.  Feel free to post a comment if you have any good ones.  Or maybe it is time to give him an actual name.)

-Selbe

Bare Minimum Kind of Girl

	Ideal for Trigger	My CD12
Follicle Size  (Dominant)	18-22mm	10mm (1)
Follicle Size (Non Dominant)	<16mm	5mm (1)
Number of  Dominant  Follicles for IUI	1-3	1
Number of Non Dominant  Follicles for IUI	No Limit	1
Lining	8-10mm	5.8mm
Estradiol	200+ pg/mL (per dominant follicle)	175 pg/mL

Ultrasound
I was so nervous going in for this ultrasound for the fear of hearing bad news.  I always try to expect the worst and when something better is heard I am excited.  That works out better for me since with TTC I often feel like I hear more bad news than good.  If I think the opposite way it ends with a lot of crushed hope.
Anyways for CD12 I'm not doing so well.  My right ovary has a 10mm and 5mm follicle, and my lining is only 5mm.  These numbers are about half of what is ideal for ovulation.  My left ovary has no follicles.  They still have time to grow, follicles grow about 1-2mm per day.  Not sure about lining.  
My RE originally thought the thin lining was due to low Estradiol (Estrogen or E2 commonly called) levels.  That seemed odd to me since I'm normally one for high E2 levels.  They sent me for E2 blood work letting me know not to expect that high of numbers.  With two small follicles and a thin lining they didn't even except me anywhere near 100 pg/mL.
He booked my next U/S for July 3rd (CD19) for me.  I was very worried that they would miss ovulation, and the IUI all together.  But he doesn't think I'm responding well to Clomid anyways (big surprise there) so my follicles will not be much bigger in 7 days from now.  So there is a great chance I'll be labeled anovulatory and just be put on Provera again.
The blood work came back a few hours later.  I got a 175 on my E2!  They are baffled to why someone with such little growth has such high E2 levels.  They have two theories: 

• I have already ovulated ether in the past 24 hours, or maybe I will really soon.  I'm instructed to have sex tonight since it is too late for IUI if that is the case.  A 175 is too high for a 10mm follicle so they think it might belong to another much larger one.  Possibly hiding or already been released.  They are running LH blood work to see if I'm going to ovulate soon, and Progesterone blood work to see if I already ovulated.  I really think this is an unlikely option since ovulation at CD11 seems impossible for me.  The two cycles I actually ovulated on Clomid was at CD16 and CD18.  It's really not like my reproductive organs to perform extraordinary or even at normal levels.  I shoot for the bare minimum levels and I'm happy with that.
• They expect my CD10 (and 5mm) to shoot off growing rapidly soon.  So my next ultrasound is Friday now (CD15) since that don't think I'll make it to next week now.  
• Bare Minimum - I've have high E2 naturally and responding crappy to Clomid... again.

I also got the RE to prescribe Metformin after a lot of talking him into it.  He let me know it probably will not help me since I'm not insulin resistance or fat enough.  I still want to try it though, it can't do anymore harm than what my body does on its own (PCOS).  Well minus the fabulous side effects.  I take 500mg this week, 1000mg (two pills) next week, then 1500mg (three pills) the following week and stay at that dose.  Unless I have horrible side effects then I'll increase on my time.

High Risk OBGYN

Source

I felt odd going to this appointment because my original thought was "are you my new OBGYN?"  I got there and it was in the hospital part of the medical center, as in labour and delivery.  Not an OBGYN doctors office.  The doctor rambled off a bunch of percentages of preterm labour after a LEEP, cone, with and without cervical cerclage.  After awhile my mind got lost, until I asked if I need a cerclage or not.  I really just want a "yes", "no" or "maybe" answer.  The short answer is no.  The last measurement of my cervix is 1.5cm.  Which is short for pregnancy, I think they are looking for a 3cm or longer.  They will have to wait 'til I'm past my first trimester to measure the cervix again and determine if the cerclage is need.  I honestly just want to say to put it in ether way.  But then there is the risk it was cause preterm labour on its own.
So rushing my ass to this really important appointment (thanks to the RE) was pretty much a waste of everyones time.  They can't give me a definite yes or no to what I'll need or not.  And they can't help my infertile self.  But they don't think my cervix is the end all so I am moving forward with fertility treatment vs adoption.
My IVF date is April 2013.

-Selbe

Appointment 5/17

Annually Pap Smear

This was yesterday, pretty routine.  With years of cervical dysplasia and infertility I'm no longer afraid of spread my legs to strangers.  In fact I get a little confused when I have an RE or OBGYN visit and they don't have me undress.  (But don't you want to see my vajayjay?)

I don't really care about the results.  If it's normal, great.  If it's abnormal, well I've already been down the road several times before.  

The one thing that annoys me about this facility (PCM) is they keep a record of how many pregnancies one has had.  One in my case.  But they don't keep a record of live births, losses or miscarriages, so they ask.  I guess this would not bother most fertile women because they can just say they have a healthy two year old at home. But someone like myself gets to tell them I've had a miscarriage EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Not cool.  Please just put a note in there about it, or change my number back to zero.  I loved my baby and no way do I want to say he didn't exist.  I also don't want to go over it each time I'm there.

Metformin & my PCOS

This new PCM wanted to put me on Metformin for my PCOS.  I'm all for it, I hear it makes you poop a lot other than that it can't hurt.  He said he would think about it and call me in a few hours.  

He decided no. :(  I have no note of being diagnosed with PCOS in the records.  My records haven't arrived from NH, from ether my OBGYN or RE.  I put a request on April 27th to have them transferred.  But this facility never got around to filling it 'til May 3rd, then told me yesterday when I went to check on them that it takes 4-6 weeks to be transferred.  Seriously?  Which concerns me for my appointment next week because they most likely will not be here for that.

This is not the first time Metformin has been discussed for me.  My last set of glucose blood work showed my levels were in the normal range and I am not insulin resistant.  The RE decided since I'm not insulin resistant that Met would not work for me.  Makes sense.  But I've also read online that Met might help for those that are PCOS and not insulin resistant.  I don't know, but I don't mind trying the drug if anyone of these doctors was willing to prescribe it.

To be honest I don't even know if PCOS is even in my records from the past RE.  Yes, I have oligoovulation.  I don't get my period often and most of those times I don't ovulate.  However, my ovaries are not polycystic, in six ultrasounds they have never found one cyst.  All the other symptoms could be blamed on something else.  Like my acne, that's always been bad even in my pre-teens.  I think my body is hairy but a lot of women probably do.  And I'm also German, we are known for being furry everywhere.  But it's not like I'm growing a beard or have some strange facial hair.  My head hair isn't thinning nor am I losing it.  It's super thick and grows quick.  Though I'm fat with a BMI of 29, I guess I could also blame that on my love of ice cream.  I was labeled PCOS because they couldn't figure out anything else that could cause lack of ovulation for over a decade in a 27 year old female.  If anyone has any other ideas, let me know.

Upcoming Appointment

My appointment with my new RE is this Thursday.  I'm excited for it, but also worried now because I'm medical record-less.  I really wish doctors would let me carry a copy of my own records.  This lack of paperwork now means they have no record of my five rounds of Clomid, any blood work I've had, SA, HSG, any of the U/S, or my past pregnancy.  I also worry about being turned away for being not infertile enough, records or not.  If that's the case I will have to leave the military system and go out in town to see a doctor, because there is nothing else that can be done for me if I am turned away.

I am probably worrying over nothing. 

Current Cycle

CD48.  Lots of cramping.  My breast are sore again but I'm not sure if that's from running.  I only got sick to my stomach once this week.

I'm just waiting for Thursdays appointment so I can start Provera.  

Pinterest

I found a new love of Pinterest.   I never really understood it when I signed up 6 months or so ago.  Then I bought a house and need new ideas for it.  I've made boards (groups) for baby stuff I want to do or buy whenever I get PG again.  Also made one for infertility.  Usually just graphics to be used on here one day.  You are welcome to follow me.

I found this chalkboard idea for pregnancy where women write their weekly update about the baby like what size it is in fruit terms.  Then sometimes stand next to it to show how big their bump is.  I was thinking of doing this for infertility, the weekly update part.  The bump is really just my belly fat, it isn't that interesting.

This is another example of the fun things fertile preggos get to do.  Just like this blog, which I really just wanted a PG blog to document everything.  Then decided to start the early and do a "journey to pregnancy" blog.  A year later I'm still blogging about the stupid journey and I'm not much closer to having a baby. 

Chalkboard are a lot harder to find than you thing.  I went to Wal-Mart, Office Max and then Home Depot to just buy the paint to make a chalkboard.  

-Selbe

Fuck You Ovaries

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that this was going to be my cycle.  Well that was a fucking lie.  I have zero +OPKs, my cervix is hard and I haven't started my 2ww feeling like shit yet.  So that means no ovulation.  Unless I missed my surge, and the 2ww is sparing me the nausea and sensitive nipples this cycle (that would be nice).  But it is more likely that it never happened.  When my ovaries go on vacation that means no eggs being released, which means zero possibility of getting PG, no matter how many times I say it's going to be my month.  So fuck you ovaries!

So the plan is to wait it out because there is really nothing else I can do.  I have three options:

• AF shows up in 10-14 days = I did ovulate at some point, theoretically.
• AF doesn't show by CD35 = No ovulation, Provera to induce, round #5 of drugs.
• AF doesn't show by CD31-ish = Pregnant.  The most hopeful but least likely to happen of the three.

I have to think of what I want to do next with Clomid vs. Femara.  I can switch to Femara to give that a try.  Or I can give Clomid another try, probably increasing from 100mg to 150mg. 

I'm also thinking of adding Metformin.  PCOS or not I read it is supposed to help.  

And not sure what to do about the OB/GYN vs. RE decision.  I'm only going to be living in the area for another seven months.  Not sure if it's beneficial to switch to an RE now.

 Any advice would be appreciated.

PS I got sick of the pink layout.  It was too "happy".  

CD19, -OPK