Behind the Glass

I think I'm going to have to be induced with Provera again.  It's a little upsetting.  The side effects are not the bad for me.  It's frustrating that I have to keep coming back to it.  I took it last April, then July, August and March.  I have extra here that I could take right now, but I'm saving it and holding off.  With my next RE appointment two weeks away they'll probably want to run more tests on me.  If I take the Provera now and it works quickly (probably not) then I could miss the specific testing days and have to wait another cycle for testing.  I'll just tough it out.  I'm about CD41 today and my cervix goes hard to soft over and over again.  My menstrual cramps are gone.  It seems so odd to have them so strong, then nothing.

I've been looking online for information about this doctor's office.  They seem to like to start women on Clomid before going to injectables, even if she has had no success on it before.  I did five rounds of Clomid last year, however I was never monitored via ultrasound.  Because there was no monitoring there was also no trigger shot.  With my past of not ovulated on Clomid 150mg, Dr. H wanted to get rid of Clomid all together and move me to Gonal-f (injectable) and Ovidrel (trigger).  I'm not sure that the new doctor will have the same opinion.  Clomid is not the worst thing in the world.  The side effects are not ideal, and it's not a needle.  It's just kind of territory that was already covered.  

I had a dream the other night about not being able to get the needles into my skin.  Ether my skin was leather or the needle was dull.  I just kept stabling myself over and over again in the stomach.

Attempt at Running

I went running today for the first time even pretty much.  I had a gym membership back in NH.  It's a chain gym so they are all over the US, except here.  I tried looking into a different gym here but so far the only one I like is double the price I was paying before.  This gym does have classes and other benefits that my old one didn't so I'm sure it's worth the extra money.  I just haven't come to terms with spending it yet.  I'm told I can get a free membership to the YMCA but it's a few towns over.  And an extra 10 minutes of driving time is probably going to used as an excuse for not going at all.  

I decided since I am new here and haven't seen much of the town that I'd just walk around and see it all by foot.  Which lead to running.  I'm not much of a runner.  I refer to myself as the fat kid.  I'm slow and have no coordination.  I'll see where it takes me.  My back and legs already hurt so that's good.

Still Standing

A couple people in the last few days have directed me over to Still Standing Magazine.  It's a new website launched this month about infertility and loss (pregnancy or infant).  I added myself to their monthly blog list.  They don't have too much on there yet but it does have promise. 

Behind the Glass

I did see this article, No Mother’s Day For Me, on Still Standing that mentioned Mother's Day is like sitting outside a candy store and watching everyone inside have fun.

This is interesting because I always describe it as similar.  I feel like I'm in grade school and everyone is allowed to go out for recess, but not me.  I got in trouble or didn't do my homework or something.  I have to stay inside.  Sitting next to the window I look out all my friends running around and having fun.  I wish I could be out there with them except I did something wrong and have to complete my punishment.

  

Only thing now I'm all grown up.  I'm infertile and still standing behind the window watching everyone have fun, smiling.  They are all so happy.  I can't figure out what I must have done wrong this time, what the cause of my punishment is.  How I can make it up?

I'm stuck behind the glass.  I can't find a way to the other side.  I sometimes pound on it, very few people hear me.  I am alone with tears running down my face.  Every once and awhile there is some hope, but it doesn't stay for long.

I feel like everyone I know is given something I want so much so easily.  It's just handed to them with little or no effort, sometimes they didn't even want it to begin with.  They go along with their pregnancies with little or no complications.  Their baby is perfectly healthy.   It's not like the car we want with all the features.  Or the new TV.  The want is something different.  We try and try and try, over and over again with so much hope.  Month after month, year after year.  Just hoping if this herbal tea, different drug or break from it all together works.  Then a miracle happens.  Only to find out the heart stopped, we go into labour early or the our baby is born stillborn.  We are left with nothing again.

This Mother's Day I will be behind the glass just like many other women struggling with infertility and the loss the their baby.  I will be alone and probably will not talk to anyone that day.  I will not be getting a handmade card, flower or chocolates.  Or even be getting a "Happy Mother's Day-to Be".  My child is no longer alive.  I would have been 25 weeks, 1 day on Sunday.  Any effort I have ever made at being a mother means nothing.  I will be forgotten, my baby will be forgotten.

“Happy Mother's Day”

It comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,

for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she works hard for just a chance,

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,

and yet she still has hope;

everyday is another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

- Saw this on a forum yesterday

-Selbe