Dreams

Bean and I bought a puppy.

I wanted a small, short haired dog.

Bean wanted a Chow Chow.  Medium size with lots of furry fur.

I tried to compromise.  We got a Chow Chow.  He's red and was born October 21st.  He's not home yet, still too young.  But we are hoping this Sunday, as long as he gets a clean bill of health from the vet, he'll be able to come home.  

I mentioned in my post a couple weeks ago that I've never owned a dog before and I know nothing about them.  We've been slowly purchasing a bunch of puppy stuff from the pet store.  We got a crate (biggest purchase), food bowls, puppy toys, leashes, etc. for him.  The dog came to $800, one trip to the pet store was $300, plus other miscellaneous things being another $100.  This was OK with me since I already had in my mind how much the dog plus all the dog stuff would come to.  I actually thought ahead (verse impulse decisions).  That and I used to work at a pet store years ago so I have some idea what most things would cost.

I really wish most people would do this before deciding to have a kid (or forget their birth control).  It annoys me off so much when people complain how expensive baby stuff is.  Yes I admit, a lot of it is expensive.  But didn't you have some sort of common sense to get an approximate cost before hand?  I see this a lot on 16 & Pregnant.  I just don't get it.  I lost my virginity at 16, and I didn't come from that great of a family.  But I someone didn't end up pregnant.  Odd that!  

I work at a large retail store.  I had a young mom-to-be (late teens, early 20's) come up to me today so excited for the deal she was getting on a pack 'n play we sold.  I'm not really sure the exact price of an item but if I had to guess for my child I would say $100-300 for one is average.  (I've learned to not actually look to pick out a model number I want.  If I were to ever have a child I know whatever model number would no longer be made so there is no point.)  This young mom was excited the item was $160 but now $130.  Oh course I'm like whatever and smile because I'm paid to.  But then she starts talking about how she couldn't find one under $200, and that "not everyone has $200 to spend".  I compared $200 verse the cost of some fertility treatments.  Oh $200 seems so cheap.  (My ultrasounds alone are about $500, luckily my insurance covers that.)  I throw on my fake smile again.  I wish all people would think of the cost of raising a child (or puppy, or any animal) before getting the dick wet.  

I'm pretty sure the idea of "accidental pregnancy" is long gone from my dictionary.  I see myself (and other IF like me) going without birth control for over a year now, and having sex several times a week (if not more), with perfect timing still not pregnant.  How does an unplanned pregnancy actually work?  It seems right up there with the idea of unicorns and dragons now.  Sorry if I've offended anyone who has actually had one, or a unicorn.

I had lunch today with two co-workers, a diabetic one and a preggo one.  Preggo keep saying something about her fetus, not really sure what because it's best for me to tune her out and say "uh-huh" over and over again.  I was more interested in the diabetic who sticks needles in his stomach.  That's my next step in life, injectables NOT pregnancy.  I wanted to learn all about it.  Do you get used to it?  How do I stab myself with it, quick or slowly?  Pinch my tummy fat?  I've never given myself shots before.  

A friend of mine gave birth to her daughter today.  I'm happy for them.  But her due date was two days after mine for my first round of Clomid (this is the only due date I still remember.)  I can't help but to think "what if".  However there is no what if, because there was never anything in the first place.  Once again I've watched someone get pregnant, go though their whole pregnancy, and have their baby.  While I have made it absolutely nowhere.  Happy for them but sad for myself.

I found this article the other day.  Goodbye to the Children I Never Had by Leah Aaronson:

"...What about a situation where the person never actually existed? They existed only in my visions of what I wanted for myself, but not in flesh and blood. How can I say goodbye when I never even had the chance to really say hello? We never spoke or touched in life.

But in my dreams we did. In my dreams, it was all so real. I held them and cuddled them. They were so cute! Some had curly hair, some had straight; some were blonde headed (like their mom) and some had light brown hair (like their dad). They smiled and cooed. ... and I even allowed myself to dream about their wedding. They learned to walk. These children of my dreams brought home gorgeous artwork from school that I hung on the fridge. ...

These children existed - they seemed so real. Until I woke up and realized it was a dream. It was a dream that recurred for 25 years, in one form or another. The particulars may have changed, but the basic story line remained the same: I became pregnant, went through a birth, was granted a healthy child, and participated in the ensuing celebrations.

But this never happened. I never really said hello. And now it's time to say goodbye. Goodbye to the potential children, goodbye to that part of my life that allows this to happen, and goodbye to the dreams. I don't want to let the dreams go. I don't want to part with the potential that I can create life. ..."

Back to the puppy.  He's not just a puppy, he's a replacement for what I don't have.  I'm not stupid, and I'm being honest.  If I got pregnant on Clomid round #1, or round #5, or way before I even had to take fertility drugs we wouldn't be getting a dog now.  We are getting a dog because my ovaries failed, they failed at #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, they failed all together.  I failed.  Because I have nothing else.  Because my dreams are slowly slipping away.  Because someday I'll have to say goodbye to my dreams even when I don't want to.  A puppy is bittersweet.  I am happy I'll have something new to take care of.  I am sad because this feels like the start of saying goodbye to the dream and just moving on.  

I have a strong maternal instinct.  I will take care of the dog, just like I take care of my other pets and plants, because they are a life.  Because I am stuck in a shit hole of a world just like everyone else and there is nothing I can do about it but wake up every morning, drag myself out of bed and hold me head high.  I might as well make the best of it.  But I'll never forget the dream that never came true.  

-Selbe

CD22, 4DPO