Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Pit

After five cycles of Clomid (current one I did nothing), and three rounds of Provera (current one also a bust), saying I'm disappointed would be an understatement.  I am heartbroken.  And not over just the fact that I am not PG yet, but that I responded so poorly.  My hope is down to nothing right now.

Over the past couple years I have watched most of my friends become pregnant, give birth and start their families.  Thanks to Facebook I even get to see the guys I dated in the past start their families too. I can't help but wonder "what if", but I know if is all me.  I'm happy for them but I feel like they are flying past me.  I feel like I'm in this pit with zero chance of catching up.  And there is nothing for me to do except watch.

So many nights I lay in bed with tears rolling down my face, sometimes for hours.  I think of my lack of family, and how I'm not really close to anyone in it.  I think of my pet who I watch slowly get worse month after month.  Again there is nothing I can do except watch.  Or my useless ovaries and how I may never see my own children.

My life feels like so little.  My family doesn't even seem to really miss me.  My pet is going to die anyways.  I have no children to relay on me.  If I had to look at my own life in the eyes that are around me I'd have to say it has a pretty low value.  Now that we are heading into the winter season (and some hurricanes) I told work I'd come in during the snow storms if they need someone.  I'd rather myself go than someone who has a family.  If someone if going to drive off the road I'd rather have it be myself than someone with a couple kids.  Not like I'm heading anywhere spectacular in life anyways.

I don't know what else to do except cry sometimes.  I have to build acceptance that I may never get to hold my baby in my arms.  I have to move on.

Somedays I want to just run away to a place where all these problems do not exist.  I'm pretty sure that place also doesn't exist.  I feel like I'm forever suck in this shit hole just waiting for the tiny glimpse of light.  Maybe one of these days I'll get to see it.
CD49, this is fucking crap

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