Over the past couple years I have watched most of my friends become pregnant, give birth and start their families. Thanks to Facebook I even get to see the guys I dated in the past start their families too. I can't help but wonder "what if", but I know if is all me. I'm happy for them but I feel like they are flying past me. I feel like I'm in this pit with zero chance of catching up. And there is nothing for me to do except watch.
So many nights I lay in bed with tears rolling down my face, sometimes for hours. I think of my lack of family, and how I'm not really close to anyone in it. I think of my pet who I watch slowly get worse month after month. Again there is nothing I can do except watch. Or my useless ovaries and how I may never see my own children.
My life feels like so little. My family doesn't even seem to really miss me. My pet is going to die anyways. I have no children to relay on me. If I had to look at my own life in the eyes that are around me I'd have to say it has a pretty low value. Now that we are heading into the winter season (and some hurricanes) I told work I'd come in during the snow storms if they need someone. I'd rather myself go than someone who has a family. If someone if going to drive off the road I'd rather have it be myself than someone with a couple kids. Not like I'm heading anywhere spectacular in life anyways.
I don't know what else to do except cry sometimes. I have to build acceptance that I may never get to hold my baby in my arms. I have to move on.
Somedays I want to just run away to a place where all these problems do not exist. I'm pretty sure that place also doesn't exist. I feel like I'm forever suck in this shit hole just waiting for the tiny glimpse of light. Maybe one of these days I'll get to see it.
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