Moving On

View of Seattle from ferry on the way to my IUI Saturday

I've been on the waiting list for my old job since June.  I listed my store preference as the local one about 10 minutes from here, and then my second choice much farther away as a back up (hoping I'd get picked up by the local one).  It had been about 60 days and no store took a bite at me.  Nothing!  I get priority over new hires and I'm sure each one of these stores have begun hiring for the holiday season.  At the end of the 60 days I got re-added to the wait list, for the same local store, another one father away, and their brand new store in Seattle.

Again the local store has blown me off.  They don't even return my calls.  I was beginning to wonder if my employee file was that bad.

Today I got a call from the store in Seattle and they want me to coming in Monday to talk with them.  

It's a hike to get there, but I calculated the price for public transportation and as long as I'm working at least two hours each shift it will cover it.  

I was in shock, this store is brand new (just opened less than two months ago).  And there are so many more people in Seattle.  

Cons:

• Cheapest way to get there is taking three forms of transportation
• To get there:
• Step one
• I can drive my car the 10-15 minutes to the ferry terminal. Cost: free, except gas.  I have to park my car at the terminal after this.  Cost $11/day  OR
• I can walk to the bus station 2 blocks from my house and take the bus to the ferry.  Cost: $2  But option is only available during morning and afternoon.
• Step Two
• Ride the ferry to Seattle.  Takes about 35 minutes.  Cost: free
• Step Three
• Walk the .5 mile (about 15 minutes) to the store.  Cost: free  OR
• Bus, takes the same amount of time as walking.  Cost: $2
• To get home:
• Step One
• Walk.  Cost: free
• Step Two
• Ferry:  Cost: $8
• Step Three
• Drive car home.  Cost: free  OR
• Bus:  $2
• Or I can get a monthly pass for the ferry, making it $16 a trip.  And hope the company I work for lets me park in their parking garage for free.
• Public transportation doesn't run on my schedule, I go by theirs.  The ferry can be a hold up, since the buses run off the ferry schedule they are in sync.  So my hour travel time might be longer with waiting around.

Pros:

• It's brand new, and coming from a newer store I'd rather go to a newer store
• It's one of three (I think) stores in the world like it.  It's a honor to work there.  (At least as far as retail stores go, but not for everyone else.)
• Opportunity of a lifetime.  
• It's a block from one of Seattle's largest tourist areas, Pike Place.
• I'll get to explore Seattle some more.
• They close earlier.

I'm not sure if I will take the job yet.  

I can't keep sitting around my house though.  I do have friends here, but not many and I don't expect them to want to hang out with me everyday.  My husband is gone and some days I don't leave the house at all, let alone talk to another human in person.  I dreamed of having a baby and staying home with him or her.  Watching him stand and teaching colours.  Bean is always gone, so I'm not going to drop my child off at daycare for the little time he has with a parent.  And I never planned to work during a pregnancy ether.  Not because I'm lazy, but because of my weak cervix and fear the baby is just going to fall out.  But I don't have a baby, and I'm not pregnant.  Looking into the future it looks like nether of those are going to happen anytime soon.  I need to move on.  Starting a family and being a mommy is a great dream, but it's not a dream that's happening right now.  

I always think of being in your 20's as one of two things: becoming a mommy, or partying all the time.  I've watched so many of my friends who are in the same age group get pregnant and give birth.  I very much wish I was with them, I'm envious of them.  But due to my infertility I can't join them.  (Unless someone just wants to hand me $13,000 for one cycle of IVF).  I almost feel like I'm held back.  I can't move forward with my dream.  I can't contribute to all the pregnancy talk (not like I fit in anyways) nor all the conversations that go with having a child.  I'm left out, even more so being a military wife.  There are events I go to where I'm the only one there without children.  I guess the other side is being a drunk.  I do like to go out and have fun, but I'm too old to do that all the time.  Where do I fit in?

I need to move on with my life NOT as the mommy-to-be I wish I was.

I refuse to test this cycle 'til at least September 25th.  I can't stand seeing anymore bare white test.  Or worse, imaginary lines that seem to exist in my head, in certain light, when I shake the test. I should have AF by the 25th anyways. 

-Selbe