Tuesday, June 12, 2012

He Was Real

I don't even know who I am anymore. All I feel is sadness. Some days I feel like the only smile I can put on my face is a fake plastered on one. I don't want to partake in activities. Nor do I want to get out and be social. I help women on the forums and here. The rest of the world doesn't have a clue how I feel. And I ignore Facebook. It's just full of everyone telling how great and happy their life is. Or complain how hard they have it. I don't want to hear ether of those things.

No one in my family recognizes my baby or miscarriage. They don't talk about it or asks how I'm doing. Bean says it's because I didn't bring baby home from the hospital, so it wasn't real. At least to them. As much as I don't want to admit it, I know he's right. But my baby was real. It had a heartbeat and I saw it on the ultrasound. It was alive and he was real.

I think I would be in a better mood if I was ovulating and getting my period regularly after my miscarriage. Then I'd feel like I had hope. But my body had stopped doing everything all together. I have zero hope. This is the worst case scenario after a miscarriage. Maybe after I get my period again and start Clomid and do the IUI I'll be happier. Nothing is 100% but I'll at least have a few more ounces of hope than what I have now.

The cramping continues. I take Midol up to three times a day now. Sometime it really hurts and I need it. Other times it's only mild but I still take the Midol. I don't even want to be in the littlest amount of pain. I don't want to be reminded of why I'm in pain. I'm in pain because I was pregnant. I'm in pain because my baby's heart stopped. I'm in pain because I had a D&E. I'm in physical and emotional pain.

(sorry for typos, I wrote this from my iPhone)


  1. Oh sweetie, I understand this all too well. No one acknowledges my baby as real, either. Even Mr. Husband sometimes looks so exasperated when I talk about Pip. I know we don't know one another, but if you ever need to talk about your loss, I'm here. I hope your period comes soon and gives you a little renewed hope. xoxo

  2. No one acknowledges my son as real either - he was born alive, and lived for two days. But he never came home, so for some bizarre reason - doesn't seem to be classed as a real person, who I'm entitled to love and miss and grieve for. I hope you get your period soon. *hugs* xx

  3. I hope things get better for you. I understand how you feel. I deal with that issue a lot. Those who haven't had a loss or stuggle really don't understand! Many hugs!

  4. He was real. I (and we - those of us here) understand, even if others don't. Thank you for sharing his memory with us all here.

  5. Hi, this is Liz again -who wrote previous comment about feeling upset about your posts on fertile couples.

    I am sorry if I sounded harsh, and yes I don't fully understand how you feel about not getting your baby. However, I know you feel hurt everyday and I want nothing more than to read you have a child with your husband.

    Your miscarriage and baby you call your baby boy, were/are real and you will forever hold him in your heart, no matter how you live your future.

    I am so eager to see you stay positive about getting your child. I know I know, what do I know about suffering? About not getting a baby I've wanted and tried for for years? True. But all I know is, for your state of welfare, you NEED to believe in the hope you will get pregnant, stay pregnant and have a child (and more).

    I want to see you happy, I know a baby is the answer to your happiness. Though, if you never get that chance, I want to see you living your life to the fullest and loving it.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please believe and do not let sad feelings ruin your life. Lots of love and hope, Liz.

  6. I think Bean is right about how people think about it. Unless there is an actual physical baby that you bring home, nobody seems to care. So many of them have never dealt with anything like that before or have kids of their own that they conceived with no problems, so they just assume that its no big deal and that you should just get over it and move on with life. They don't know the pain that goes along with it and that its not easy to just get over it and move on with life like they expect you too. The way I've always looked at it is that if people are your true friends they will be there for you and will support you through it, maybe not bring it up since they may feel it might be too painful to you if they mention it, but they will be there if you need to vent and offer whatever support you need. Same goes with family. I'm not necessarily close to any family members and often feel that some of my friends are more like my family, then my actual family are, but same goes with that. You really learn a lot about your friends and family when you go through situations like this and you learn who you can trust and who will support you through anything. Your little boy was alive and will always be a part of you. ((hugs))


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