Second Ultrasound - Part 2

... Continuation of Part 1

Bean asked me a few times on the way home if I wanted something to eat.  I kept saying I wasn't hungry.

I said I wanted to go car shopping so we drove to the dealership.  There is nothing wrong with my car.  But my favorite car ever got totaled last spring after someone drove me off the road.  We got the same car but newer and a convertible (original was a hatchback).  There were some problems from the start and I never really fell in love with the new one like I did the old.  Also the backseat doesn't fold down, the truck is tiny and the back window is so small that it lets little light in (because the convertible motor takes up much more room).  Grocery shopping for more than three bags is a pain, let alone anything larger.  My puppy still rides on my passenger seat, thankfully each time he is under the weight to set the "need a seatbelt" alarm off, though I know this will not last forever.  It is too much of a pain to put him in the backset.  While bringing him to puppy class last week I passed a car just like my old one and realized I missed it.  I didn't mention anything to Bean, didn't want to be one of those bitchy PG women, plus he has already heard it all.  This seemed like a great idea now to go car shopping.  It got me to stop crying.  I found a car I love at the dealership but what they are asking for my trade-in seems a bit low.  It was a used car I bought from them last April and they are now offering me 2/3 of the price.  I hate that dealership anyways after everything that happened.  We are going to look around more.  Least I was in such a horrible mood that I told them right to their face their offer was crap instead of just dealing.  I think this might be the preferred time to go car shopping now.

As we were driving home the nurse from the RE called with my next u/s appointment.  This is the appointment to make sure the heart has stopped before aborting my baby, if my body hasn't already done it before then.  They told me 1/24 for the appointment, in a week and a half!  I got angry.  (The 1/25 is also my birthday, crappy gift, dead baby.)  I told them if this thing dies I don't want to carry it around for longer than I have to.   She mentioned something about "time to grow" and finally agreed to make 1/17 the next u/s instead.  What women wants to walk around with their dead baby inside of them?  I want it out ASAP.

I began crying again.

I also began crying for one of my pets who is very sick right now.  I mentioned awhile ago he has terminal cancer.  There is nothing saving him, just stalling.  He's gone downhill a lot in the last month and since I got PG I was thinking it is time to put him down.  I felt one life ending (Munchlet), a new one beginning (the baby).  Especially after I thought I would hear the good news after this u/s.  Now I don't want to put him down, I don't want to lose two things at once.  I can't control what is happening to this baby, but I can try and save Munchlet.  I don't want to murder him too.

My head really hurt, I fell asleep for a short period of time and woke up to this same nightmare.  

Bean and I went out to the store.  I saw the maternity section but instead ignored it and went for the swim suits.  I bought one of those instead, even though I didn't need it.  If anything I would "need" a cute swim suit over maternity clothes this summer.  That and I brought out my "I'm skinny, you're fat, sucks to be you" attitude.  We passed some baby and child things, I looked the other way or down at the floor like they didn't exist.  When I got back to my car I wasn't able to open the door due to the car next to me having it's door WIDE open due to the young 19-ish mum in the backseat slowly unbuckling her child.  I waited a few second and then got angry.  Why should I have to wait, like I am below them?  I began to close their door so I could get by and open mine.  Mum nor baby were not out of the car yet, just sitting back there, so not like I closed it on ether of them.  I climbed in my car, slammed the door while giving them a dirty look.  Then mentioned to Bean about them as "rude" and "needing to use birth control."  This was uncalled for, but after today I was pissed.

I went and bought some new bras at the mall.  My boobs are still really sore, but I refuse to admit it is because I'm still PG.  Maybe I just need new bras.  I kept looking at my nipples in the mirror as I was trying the bras on.  My areolas are much larger, and slightly darker.  I hate this.  I would be happy if this was to feed my child come late August, but it doesn't look this way.  I can't wait for my nipples to return to normal and my breast become less sore.  I just want things to return to normal.

We drove around for a bit before I decided to eat at 10pm (hadn't eaten since before the u/s at 7am).  I became nauseous and we went home.  I woke up at 4am and began to vomit.  There wasn't much in my stomach so I only got a little up, rest was dry heaves.  Not sure if this is morning sickness or because I'm so upset.  But morning sickness has a crappy time of showing up now (I've been nauseous all week).  I haven't eaten anything yet today though.

This morning there was a lot more pulling and burning on my cervix.  Not sure what that is, dilation?  I reached up and touch it.  Yellow discharge and soft now.

I made it almost all the way to work before I started crying.  They are letting me have the next few days off.

I am sorry I am not very positive or optimistic.  There could be a small chance this thing could start growing quicker, and the heart get stronger.  But I'd rather prepare for the worst.  

-Selbe