Monday, January 16, 2012


Tomorrow morning is my next U/S with my RE.  I can't say I'm looking forward to it really, but I am eager to see the results.  I don't know if I want to see the screen or have them turn it away from the start.  I know from the second they put the wand in I'll know something is very different, or exactly the same as Friday.  I'll automatically see it blinking or not (heart).  I'll know without them even saying a word that my baby is gone.  Maybe it will be better that way.  Even though I feel this baby is already gone I want to find out the truth.  But right now there is a tiny chance I am still PG with a healthy baby in there, but after the U/S I'll know 100% for sure.  

I really just want to move on.  I don't feel like I can actually move on 'til it is physically out of me.  But when will that be?  When my body naturally decided, 'til the RE can schedule me for an D&C?  It could be days, or weeks.  I want it out NOW.  I want to move on now.  

Bean and I have thought of some things we could change for the next PG.


Trying again:
  • Both of us have decided we want to try again soon after this MC ends.
  • Since this PG resulted from Vitex, Softcups and Preseed we are going to try that mixture again.
  • If for some reason my Vitex has stopped working I will move to injectables in the next few months.
  • My progesterone looked good each time I went in, so they said.  I don't think I'll need a progesterone supplement.
  • My husband is scheduled to be gone long periods of time over the next couple years.  We might move to IUI with his frozen sperm so I don't have to give up all together during this time.
  • I don't want to give up on this dream.
What I regret from this PG:
  • I'm not upset I told people close to me.  It has actually helped me so I don't feel totally alone.  And having my coworkers know about the PG and now MC makes them understand why I haven't been there much this week and that I'm not a total flake.
  • Being happy.  I'm so upset I wasted so much time and energy feeling happy after the TTC journey.  I have nothing to show for it.  Next time I'm going to ignore the PG (well not ignore ignore to the point of drinking alcohol & not taking vitamins) but put less happiness into it at first.  Till 20 weeks or 24.  But then I feel I'll miss part of it.  I don't know where I'm going with this.  I'm just angry I was so fucking happy for nothing. 
  • Not having more photos or physical items to hold onto.  Then again there isn't too much you can collect in 3 weeks.  Maybe I'll get a babies first Christmas ornament for 2012 or something.  
  • Buying things.  This goes with being happy and excited.  I'm not really too upset I bought some clothes.  I've always had a baby bin in the basement I toss things in.  And I'm a military wife so there is always some newly married youngest having a baby shower that I'm invited to.  I'll just give the stuff I don't absolutely love to them.  (I fucking hate baby showers.  Everyone always woos over the mum-to-be & I'm made to play that stupid don't say baby game.  I'm too bitter at most of them that I don't say much so I do pretty well at the game.)  
  • Wasting my time researching products.  Although I know pretty much all the products I want for my newborn baby I am still unsure the actually brand and models (like carseat).  So I decided each week of my PG I would pick a product and research the best brands and features I want.  This week it was cloth diapers, and I narrowed it down to a couple brand.  Though now my research has changed from that to different types of abortions to have done.
Things I'll do different next time:
  • Drink more water.
  • Maybe more vegetables, though I don't eat that unhealthy anyways.
  • Omega supplement I was suposed to look into but never got around to.
  • Stop Vitex post O.  Though I don't think that will make much difference.
  • Gym:  Probably nothing different there since I got put on restriction at 6 weeks.  I wish I had a healthy baby/reproductive system and could still work out light during my PG.  So many women don't do anything at all and I actually want to and can't.
  • Notify work early early on just how high risk I really am.
  • Beta hCG BW I had done early on.  My numbers were amazing, like super amazing.  A 35 hour doubling time each time that set me up for a healthy pregnancy.  Except it didn't.  I don't want my beta done next time.  If those numbers mean MC then no number I ever get will be good enough.  I'd just rather not know.  Bean is on the fence since they tell if the PG is ectopic, which is still a risk for future PG.  Maybe I'll just have the nurse tell me "good" or "bad" instead of a number.
  • Ultrasounds.  Bean says no more 'til much later on since they are just too painful.  I am still on the fence.


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