exactly the same as Friday. I'll automatically see it blinking or not (heart). I'll know without them even saying a word that my baby is gone. Maybe it will be better that way. Even though I feel this baby is already gone I want to find out the truth. But right now there is a tiny chance I am still PG with a healthy baby in there, but after the U/S I'll know 100% for sure.
I really just want to move on. I don't feel like I can actually move on 'til it is physically out of me. But when will that be? When my body naturally decided, 'til the RE can schedule me for an D&C? It could be days, or weeks. I want it out NOW. I want to move on now.
Bean and I have thought of some things we could change for the next PG.
- Both of us have decided we want to try again soon after this MC ends.
- Since this PG resulted from Vitex, Softcups and Preseed we are going to try that mixture again.
- If for some reason my Vitex has stopped working I will move to injectables in the next few months.
- My progesterone looked good each time I went in, so they said. I don't think I'll need a progesterone supplement.
- My husband is scheduled to be gone long periods of time over the next couple years. We might move to IUI with his frozen sperm so I don't have to give up all together during this time.
- I don't want to give up on this dream.
What I regret from this PG:
- I'm not upset I told people close to me. It has actually helped me so I don't feel totally alone. And having my coworkers know about the PG and now MC makes them understand why I haven't been there much this week and that I'm not a total flake.
- Being happy. I'm so upset I wasted so much time and energy feeling happy after the TTC journey. I have nothing to show for it. Next time I'm going to ignore the PG (well not ignore ignore to the point of drinking alcohol & not taking vitamins) but put less happiness into it at first. Till 20 weeks or 24. But then I feel I'll miss part of it. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just angry I was so fucking happy for nothing.
- Not having more photos or physical items to hold onto. Then again there isn't too much you can collect in 3 weeks. Maybe I'll get a babies first Christmas ornament for 2012 or something.
- Buying things. This goes with being happy and excited. I'm not really too upset I bought some clothes. I've always had a baby bin in the basement I toss things in. And I'm a military wife so there is always some newly married youngest having a baby shower that I'm invited to. I'll just give the stuff I don't absolutely love to them. (I fucking hate baby showers. Everyone always woos over the mum-to-be & I'm made to play that stupid don't say baby game. I'm too bitter at most of them that I don't say much so I do pretty well at the game.)
- Wasting my time researching products. Although I know pretty much all the products I want for my newborn baby I am still unsure the actually brand and models (like carseat). So I decided each week of my PG I would pick a product and research the best brands and features I want. This week it was cloth diapers, and I narrowed it down to a couple brand. Though now my research has changed from that to different types of abortions to have done.
Things I'll do different next time:
- Drink more water.
- Maybe more vegetables, though I don't eat that unhealthy anyways.
- Omega supplement I was suposed to look into but never got around to.
- Stop Vitex post O. Though I don't think that will make much difference.
- Gym: Probably nothing different there since I got put on restriction at 6 weeks. I wish I had a healthy baby/reproductive system and could still work out light during my PG. So many women don't do anything at all and I actually want to and can't.
- Notify work early early on just how high risk I really am.
- Beta hCG BW I had done early on. My numbers were amazing, like super amazing. A 35 hour doubling time each time that set me up for a healthy pregnancy. Except it didn't. I don't want my beta done next time. If those numbers mean MC then no number I ever get will be good enough. I'd just rather not know. Bean is on the fence since they tell if the PG is ectopic, which is still a risk for future PG. Maybe I'll just have the nurse tell me "good" or "bad" instead of a number.
- Ultrasounds. Bean says no more 'til much later on since they are just too painful. I am still on the fence.