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I really don't have anything "happy" to announce.  Same crap, same doctors, same meds, same unresponsive ovaries and same tears.

I saw the bill for the cost of my HSG last week, $1250.50.  Lots of money for a painful procedure that they didn't even get results from.  As of right now I only owe $49 of it.  Health insurance ♥ Selbe!

Two doctors appointments this week.  ENT today to have my ears checked again.  I'm amazing how much enthusiasm I had during my first few hearing tests.  Now I wake up right before I'm suposed to leave the house, show up 20 minutes late and I'm barely awake as I hold me hand up over and over again for the testing.  The results were the same as always, mixed hearing loss, both conductive and sensorineural.  They are trying to fix my conductive with allergy shots, and hoping the sensorineural goes with it.  I've been saying for years that I can hear people at a normal sound level but their words were all mushed together.  My lip reading has become better though, but as soon as someone turns their head I become lost.  I'm good at mimicking facial expressions so it seems like I'm still with the topic.  If you smile, I smile.  If you look sad, I look sad.  If I change the topic right after, I had no idea what we were talking about to begin with.

• Conductive Hearing Loss - when sound is not conducted efficiently through the outer ear canal to the eardrum & the tiny bones of the middle ear... reduction in sound level or the ability to hear faint sounds. Causes: Fluid in the middle ear, Ear infection, Allergies, Poor eustachian tube function
• Sensorineural Hearing Loss - when there is damage to the inner ear, or to the nerve pathways from the inner ear to the brain... cannot be medically or surgically corrected... reduces the ability to hear faint sounds... Even when speech is loud enough to hear, it may still be unclear or sound muffled. Causes: Hearing loss that runs in the family, Aging, Malformation of the inner ear - From: American Speech-Language-Hearing Association

The other appointment is for my pre-op on Thursday.  I have mixed feeling about laparoscopic surgery.

• Am I excited?  Far from it.  I was excited to have my tonsils removed because I knew it was the end of my pain (physically).  This is different.  This could be the start of more pain (emotionally).
• Do I fear the physical pain after?  No, then again I have no idea what to expect.  I heard it's like gallbladder surgery, though I've heard bad stories of that too.  Last two people I've known to have their gallbladder removed talked about the pain for a month past.  Literally I heard less whining from a friend who recently had a C-section.
• Do I fear the emotional pain after?  Very much!
• Why do it?  I feel I have to, that I have no other choice.  Mainly for Bean (who can hopefully fucking show up to this one).  Really I can go any further 'til I have it done.  And it's been too long of not knowing.  People ask me all the time what is wrong with me, and I really don't have a good answer for them because I don't understand it myself.  I could have a whole 30 minute conversation about everything that is wrong, which tends to come with a lot of questions.  Sometimes I just say something simple like "ovary failure".  Short, simple and doesn't come with questions.
• What can they find wrong?  Endometriosis, cysts, scarring, blocked fallopian tubes, malformations, nothing at all.
• What's next?  Fix or remove whatever is wrong, maybe other possible procedures.  
• Fixable?  Who knows.  But it will probably mean 99% chance I'll need IUI or IVF in the future, which means lots of $$$.
• Not fixable?  Not sure.  Eventually move on to adoption, again lots of $$$.
• My poor stomach?  Honestly it doesn't look so hot now.  I have other scars on it and at 5'1" my modeling days are over before they ever began.  I'm most worried about losing my navel ring since it's not healed enough to be removed and put back in yet.  I'm thinking of just getting  tattoos instead. 
• Days off work?  Three days.  I'm a strong cookie.  I'll just find someone else to do heavy lifting for me.  And if I'm really in too much pain then I'm sure Bean will call out for me, because I don't think I'll do it myself.  

It's not that I'm really needed that much at work.  Ok well it's the holiday season so my position is needed, but I myself am not.  And I don't really need need the money.  But deep down I don't want to be broken.  I don't want to be my broken self.  I don't want to admit there is something wrong with me.  I want to be a normal person, and I attend to go back to acting like one as soon as possible.  Even though that might be unrealistic.  

I don't know what I'm doing with my life ether.  

-Selbe