Saturday, February 4, 2012

Telling Those About My Pregnancy & Miscarriage


There is a big controversy with who and when to tell the ones around you that you are pregnant.  Some women announce it to everyone as soon as they get one positive home pregnancy test.  This is common of fertile where they are more naive about how common losing a baby is.  Or of infertiles who feel they are strong enough to deal with the emotion consequences if the baby is miscarried.  Some women wait much later 'til 13, 20 or 24 weeks.  Some only tell close friends and family.  This is common of infertile that are so afraid of losing their baby that they don't get to enjoy their pregnancy.

The number one regret of telling people you are pregnant, then miscarrying, is having to tell all those people you are not pregnant anymore.  It's a let down because you have to admit your uterus really does suck.  You relive the depressing moment over and over again.  While I do have some regrets from my short lived pregnancy, this is not one of them.  I told a lot of people, probably more than any sane infertile would.  I admit it, call me a fertile.  But this was my first pregnancy and I was fucking excited.  That and I knew the emotion consequences ahead of time and I could deal with them.


My co-workers & bosses.  I told a lot of people here, and the rest found out quick by word-of-mouth. I couldn't really lift much and had to take it easy since I am high risk.  I didn't want it to seem like I was lazy, especially when I had to call out.  The day after we found out the baby wasn't going to make it I decided I needed to go back to work.  That didn't work out so well since I ended up crying on the way there.  Then again soon after I got there in front of my male boss who is all Army and be strong and shit.  He sent me home... for the rest of the week.  Which was extremely nice, especially since I work for a large company.  Large companies tend to not give a fuck about their thousands of employees.  Then I also got time off for my D&C.  I know 2 or 3 people knew about the miscarriage but by the time I got back I had people that I didn't even think knew I was pregnant to begin with coming up to be to say they were sorry.  I figure this would upset most women, everyone knowing so quickly.  I didn't care, it made it easy for me not having to talk to each and every single one of them.  Next time I have big news about something I'm just going to tell a couple of the most social people.  Less work for me.  This even bought out many other co-workers that had similar stories, even a story from a male co-worker.  This probably couldn't have gone better.

My Family

I never told anyone in my family, I don't talk to them much.  Even though I knew I was pregnant at Christmas (last time I saw everyone) I wasn't planning on telling them 'til after the first trimester.  On Facebook I posted status updates hinting at something wrong, then "no heartbeat", then early ultrasound photos, then ultrasound video, then a post about having surgery.  I don't have many family members on my Facebook to begin with.  But the ones I do have didn't post anything.  Didn't ask what was going on, or say they were sorry.  A little upsetting but all I can do is move on.  This baby didn't exist to them.  And this is one reason why I want a child, I need that closeness in a family.

Bean's Family

Bean told his mum, she was excited.  Then found out later that the baby was gone and she called to say she was sorry.  A few other people asked what was up and said sorry too.  That went over well.  Again next time I'll be waiting 12+ weeks.  I hate disappointing people.


Other than work.  A lot of them read this so some even found out before Bean did.  That's fine.  They are quick to find out about a pregnancy, and quick to find out I lost one too.  A few I actually went to and told, but not many people.  Again waiting 'til a lot later.

Doctor's Office

I regret telling my ENT, well a nurse on the phone.  I had to, for medical reasons.  But my next ENT appointment was 3 weeks after that.  They congratulated me on my pregnancy... the day before my D&C.  Yep, that made me felt like an idiot.  Never mind, false alarm guys.  I'm not really pregnant... anymore.  This was the worst out of all the things listed here.

Other People

That Bean works with or a wife of someone he works with.  A few found out I was pregnant, somehow.  Probably word-of-mouth because I know they don't read this.  I don't really care though, I don't talk to them enough.

Sometimes it is bit for an overload with people coming to say they are sorry over and over again.  The worst was a friend that came to say she was sorry, and that she was really really drunk and had too much to drink.  That didn't help.  Sorry if you read this, I hope you were drunk enough not to remember this conversation.    

I have gotten an overwhelming number of women coming to me to tell me their miscarriage story.  Or about their D&C, LEEP or any fertility treatment they have had.  I know miscarriage was common but I didn't expect so many people to come forward to me to tell me about their own.  I don't mention names on here (even my own "Selbe" is fake) but I have had some surprising men tell me the stories of their wives or girlfriends too.  You guys are amazing.

I even go back is read the posts from other blogger written months/years ago about their miscarriage.  The heartbreak of learning the baby is no longer alive, natural or D&C, emotions afterwords.  I match them up with feelings.  You guys are all amazing and I don't think I could be as emotionally stable after such an heartbreak without you guys.  I hope my posts can do the same for other women who find themselves in my same place someday.


  1. After I had my m/c I also found that a lot of people came forward about their m/c. It really is amazing that something so horrible can help connect people.

  2. Even though you didn't necessarily reach out to tell me, I was happy to find out. I was excited with you, and then heartbroken with you. I wasn't disappointed by you for having a m/c bc you didn't do anything wrong. I hope to quickly find out on your next pregnancy too. :)

    David wanted to keep our pregnancy a secret for your exact fears, but I have always felt like if something did happen, the more ppl know, the more support you have. I couldn't imagine having to relive the story when explaining to every person, so I like your idea of telling the busy bodies HAHA

  3. Thank you for sharing your story ... you are right that it is through reading the words of others that we can gain strength. I gained a little from you and am grateful for that.


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