Cervical Stenosis

Source

No new news.  I thought after I started spotting last night that would be the end.  I feared waking up this morning.  But since it has been all day and no spotting or cramping at all.  I did take a pregnancy test (like I mentioned before I have about 100 of them under my bathroom sink because they come with every OPK I order).  The line is now lighter than the control. :(  Meaning my hCG levels are dropping.  I think this baby is gone.  

I thought I would mention why I am all for D&C from my last post.  This is a TMI post, warning now.  I have Cervical Stenosis.  When I was 19 I developed Cervical Dysplasia, abnormal cell growth on my cervix.  It is what is between normal cell growth and cancer, sometimes called pre-cancer.  I had a LEEP to remove these cells.  A LEEP is great because it is the most effective treatment of all the ones out there for dysplasia.  Most people only need one to get rid of the cells, except if you are unlucky.  When I was 24 my dysplasia came back and I went for my second LEEP.  This one didn't go over so well.  

I noticed the few times I did get my period I was in extreme pain.  I'd bleed red for a day, then brown.  It was followed by extreme cramps.  Eventually I would start bleeding red again with tons of clots, but the pain would go away.  One time I remember the pain being so bad I could barely walk but my husband forced me to.  All of a sudden my pants felt so warm and wet.  I thought I peed only to go into the bathroom and find tons of blood.

I mentioned this to my past OBGYN and she passed me off like some other crazy women complaining about mild cramps.  Then in a pap smear she couldn't find my cervix.  When she finially did she mentioned it was very scarred.  

Over the next year I learned I have a condition called Cervical Stenosis.  This is a very rare risk to having a LEEP (or two) done.  My cervix is mainly scar tissue now.  Like most scar tissue it is much tougher than the original.  The opening in my cervix is very narrow.  

When I get my period and it starts to clot then my cervix "clogs" and doesn't allow anything to pass, so my flow up stops.  But my uterus is still going, it cramps more and more causing extreme presure.  Eventually the "flood gates" open and all is well again.

Also many procedures where tubes are inserted past my cervix are painful.  Last September my HSG got canceled after the RE could not insert the small tube into my uterus.

I'm assuming a 6 week old embryo and everything that goes with it is larger than the standard clot.  I'm worried my cervix will not know to dilate, or do anything to let this thing pass easily.  I'm worried about the pain.  I'd rather be knocked out and have a D&C.  I'm going to talk to the RE when I go in for Tuesday's u/s.

-Selbe

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to Bean and I (well on August 8th, couple days late)!  We started dating four years ago, and got married two years ago, both on the same day.  Bean and I spent the last few days in Niagara Falls.  Ontario, Canada, not New York.  The American side looks like shit compared to ON, don't even bother with it.   

I've been to the falls many times since I was a child.  My family used to visit every couple years (back when you didn't need a passport). We had family living in ON and a house (which was sold & I don't remember it).  Bean and I visited soon after we started dating but only spent a day and there is so much to do.  We stopped this past January on our way back from Ohio but that was also a short visit.  Bean got some time off for our anniversary so we started the drive on Saturday and got back on Wednesday.  This is actually the first year we got to celebrate our anniversary since Bean had a "business trip" last August and wasn't home for it.  I'll have to post some photos when I get them uploaded. 

Today is CD15, I usually start OPKs on CD10 or CD11.  So the whole vacation I've had to do them.  Which includes in public since we spent a lot of time away from the hotel or in the car.  I have a bag with my piss cups in it, and I got a container to hold my "used" OPKs.  One thing I've learned from this experience is to not use paper cups, go with plastic.  Paper cups do not hold warm liquids for very long.  Use your imagination, this makes for a big mess. *sigh*

No +OPK yet.  They are all still pretty light, cervix is medium, and just starting to fern.  Looks like a late O.  It would be amazing if I did O and this wasn't another AO cycle.  But honestly I'm not too worried about it.  I've already came up unresponsive for 2 out of my 4 cycles.  It's not like I'm doing that amazing on the drugs anyways.  Another unresponsive AO cycle wouldn't be the end of the world.  Plus I have my first RE appointment next week.  Looking at my current Clomid record I'm ether: A. going to get pulled from it, or B. adding injectables.  

The insurance department from my new RE called to tell me what coverage I have.  Basically stuff I already knew.  But they offer a 20% discount off what my insurance doesn't cover because of Bean's job.  I still feel bad for cheating on my OBGYN.  I really like Dr. S.  But I'm not PG, and my dysplasia is no where as bad as it used to be.  There is no reason for me to have an regular OBGYN since they can not run the tests I need.   Bittersweet I guess.

I keep reminding myself that I'm in no rush.  Sure fertility slowly decrease as you age.  But my ovaries are pretty useless as is, I mean they can't get much worse, right?  Not like I need to make it anywhere anytime soon (although that would be nice.)  This is a good thing.

PS My heart goes out to a friend who just lost her baby girl at 22 weeks.  :(

CD15, OPK-

Progesterone & Semen Results!

I got my CD21 Progesterone results today.  Generally 20+ ng/mL is great, 15+ is good on a medicated cycle, 10+ is eh, 5+ there is ovulation but low quality.  And mine:

Progesterone CD21 = 1.7 ng/mL

Ha!  The first thing Dr. S asked is if I had a +OPK, because if I had he would be surprised.  So 1.7 is pretty bad.  I got my Clomid increased to 150mg (3x the dose I started at) and I'm doing another round of Provera (assuming AF probably won't show up anytime soon).

I mentioned last week that I thought this was going to be low.  So it wasn't much of a surprise.  Plus my lack of post-ovulation crappy side effects gave it away.

Again he mentioned if I don't O at 150mg then I'm getting sent to a RE.  There isn't much else they can do for me at an OB/GYN.

Bean got his SA results today too.

	Bean's	Normal
Volume	4.0	1.5 - 5 mL
Count	20	40 - 250 Mil/ML
PH	7.6	7.2 - 7.8
Motility	60	>60%
Activity	3+	>2+
Morphology	49	>30%
Liquefaction	Liquid	Liquid
Fructose	Positive	Positive

Source

He came home all upset about only getting a 20 on his count, as in 20 MILLION!  It's like he failed at something.  It's on the low side, but I got a fucking 1.7 for Progesterone.  We have more to worry about than his body only making 20 million sperm in 18 hours.  

CD29, no AF (never took a POAS, there's no point, I will before Provera though)

Acceptance

 

My husband and I moved to this area last summer.  He's in the military and is usually gone anywhere from a few days to several months at a time.  Planning anything sucks!  But we got word when we moved here and he was going to be home for a year and half!  Sounded like a good time to have a baby.  He'd be here for appointments, to buy me ice cream at midnight, I wouldn't have to worry about him missing the birth, and he'd be around for longer than the 10 standard days to change diapers.  Perfect time right?  Many others families thought the same thing.  We are currently in the middle of a baby train, one which I am not on.

What did I get this past year?  Knowledge that my body is more fucked up than I thought, and unprotected sex really doesn't = baby.

Bean is stationed here 'til next February, give or take a couple months (military and all).  After that we will be moving again, not sure where.  Our top options are Washington state (most likely), New York and South Carolina.  The job he applied for in Washington gives a whole new set of issues with having children, nothing I can really discuss here though.

Looking back to the start of Clomid I feel like I was so naive.  I never thought I'd see round #5.  My EDD for round #1 was right around Christmas.  I never really wanted a child born around the holidays but Bean would be here.  I have to take what I can get.  EDD for round #2 was at the end of January, right after my own birthday.  Bean, myself and baby would all be born in the same month.  EDD for round #3 was leap day.  What a fun day!  We could probably push it and still be living here.  EDD for round #4 is at the end of March.  Eh nothing then.  But it could still be pushed and I could stay behind.  I really like Dr. S and the local hospital.

I fear moving across country (New Hampshire to Washington) later in a pregnancy.  I  need to pee every two hours now and I'm not even PG.  Just think 3,162 miles worth of sitting in a car?  Plus getting there, finding a place, arranging our belonging to be delivered, and finding another OB/GYN that I actually like (this is pretty hard).  That seems like a lot of stress while being PG.

Before I was in denial, this is now acceptance.  I'm 99% sure I will not be having a child here.  I felt like I was rushing from cycle to cycle to make things work in this time crunch.  I've finally come to terms with things are not going to work out the way I hoped and I no longer need to rush.  I am done.

I've already started asked my IF friend (who is currently in Washington) about the centers out there, along with the cost. I need to start preparing.  Another military wife on one of my forums had a IUI with here husband's frozen sperm since he is currently deployed.  That gives another option.  

I'm not doing so hot on Clomid alone.  My current thought is switching to another drug or adding injectables.  Maybe IUI in the future.  But probably not for awhile.  I'd prefer to make a baby on my bed, or the back seat of the car, or... eh you'll figure it out.  Not artificially.  Plus ovulating twice in ten years doesn't give me much chance of getting PG naturally anyways.  My insurance only covers meds and injectables for natural timed intercourse, not for IUI/IVF.

As for the rest of you on the baby train, I'm fucking envious (it's the truth)!  And I'll send you to my doctor.  I don't think he really knows what to do with me, but great with everyone else.  Although last visit when he mentioned Letrozole (Femara) all on his own I was truly impressed.  It was something I was going to ask for and was sure I was going to get the "why do you want that" response.  (FYI, Femara is currently only FDA approved as a breast cancer drug.  But a large number of women who were on it got PG.  Now it is used much like Clomid to induce ovulation.)

PS I created a Facebook page for this blog.  Like me!

CD26, no O or AF

Oligomenorrhea: How I Got Here

Cycles since 2008

This post has a few TMI sections. You've been warned.

I say I have Oligomenorrhea but it is really just a symptom (like nausea), not an actual condition.  Under some definitions I'm even labeled under Amenorrhea.  I'm actually not labeled as any certain condition.  I've yet to have a doctor run enough tests to pinpoint my problem.   Sure I have mild PCOS but not enough for Metformin, and I have very few other symptoms.  Without BC, Provera or Clomid my cycles last 2 week to 7 months.  The days I bleed for can be 3 days to 3 weeks (but usually I'm around 4 days).

I wasn't always like this.  Hence why I am secondary, not primary.  I initially got my period when I was 11.  My mum was already gone by then.  At first I was embarrassed, I didn't wear any protection and thought I could "suck it up" back in me.

It sucks being a teenage without a mum.  My father didn't really know what to do with me so I was on my own most of the time.  I got teased one day in seventh grade for not shaving my legs yet.  So I came home and told my father that I wanted to shave them.  I heard I could do it with a regular razor blade (as in the ones that go in box cutters).  He allowed me to do it.   What a bloody mess!  Couple hours later I had only gotten the fronts and knees done (I wasn't sure if I was supposed to shave the backs).  There was blood running down my legs and I didn't wear shorts for a week after.  Lesson learned.

This wasn't the first time I tired I fixed something on my own.  My mum only left a few pads and I was too embarrassed to ask my father for more.  So I used rolled up toilet paper for years.  I guess I could say I didn't know any better.  Eventually I did get over my embarrassment.  I'm also really good at cutting my own hair, so good that now I'd rather cut it myself than go elsewhere.

Back to my story.  I used to have a regular period, much heavier and longer.  I was never able to pinpoint what day it was due, but I could at least know the week.  I was normal up until this point.  I had cramps (that I didn't know what they were at first.)  I had PMS the day before.  And I had hot flashes that would come on so quickly.  I'd end up on the tiled bathroom floor face down because I'd go from fine to burning up within seconds.  I was a normal teen.

After I turned 16 I missed a period.  No problem, I wasn't sexually active and I heard that sometimes happens when you're young.  I didn't think anything of it.  A couple months later I missed another, then a missed a couple in a row.  But I still didn't think anything of it and I kept being told I was young and it would fix itself.  That was a fucking lie.

The first time I saw an OBGYN was when I was 19.  I had no health insurance so it was just the local Planned Parenthood.  They did the basic Pap smear (this is when I learned I had dysplasia) and put me on birth control to fix my irregular periods and it's intended purpose.  Before they gave it to me I had to do a pregnancy test since I was already "late".  I told them over and over again this was normal.  I still had to drop my morning pee off in a yogurt container.  I freaked at the thought of this test, what if in some fucked up case I was actually PG?  But I wasn't and I got sent home with BCPs and that started my long history of side effects from them.

I spent years off and on BC trying to make my cycles regular.  But I could never stomach the side effects for too long and my period would go back to irregular soon after I stopped them.

This is how I got to where I am today.  Sometimes I even think if my mum was around she could have seen the problem sooner and it would have been fixed then.  Or maybe if I had health insurance I could have gone to a doctor.  I blame my mum the most though.  But you can't change the past, only the future.  I can't dwell on what could have been changed then.  No matter how much I want to change things I am not able to go back in time.  I can only change my future.  And my future is doctors appointments, fertility drugs and eventually adoption paperwork.  There is nothing I can do about it except suck it up and keep going.

If I even have a daughter she will never go through the things I have.  My children will be taken care of.

CD4, Clomid Day 3 (getting pissy, might want to ignore me this weekend)

Round Four

AF waited 'til 12:09AM on 14dpo to show up.  I had hope for all of nine minutes.  Spotting, so I assume the rest will show up later today.

I put a refill in for round four of Clomid.  The automated system lets you know you can pick up the meds in four business days (next Monday).  Well that's great for most meds but not for fertility ones.  I'll just drive over there today and have them refill it in person.

I also need to call Dr. S in the morning for another appointment.

1. Bean needs SA (semen analysis).  I said if there was nothing cycle three then he's having it done.
2. I'm on my last refill of Clomid.
3. I want to know why I have ovulation pains for a week+ after O.

I'm really not as heartbroken as I should be.  This cycle went by fast and I knew from the beginning it wasn't going to be mine.  

This cycle will be mine.

Don't ever plan life, it will never follow the perfect path you made no matter how hard you try to make it.

CD1

New Car

I kind of fell off the face of the internet this past week.  I had a military ball to go to on Friday and then was forced to spend the whole weekend, and now this week, car shopping.

I had another appointment at my GYN on Tuesday.  I'm currently CD36, no +OPK, no +HPT and my BBT looks like an up and down roller coaster.  Another anovulatory cycle.   I was put on  Provera (progesterone) to induce my period and my Clomid was increased from 50mg to 100mg.  No BW or U/S because they weren't sure my insurance would cover it.  So double meds means double mood swings.  Everyones favorite!

If Clomid 100mg and 150mg do not work then he mentioned referring me to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  Again he started talking about having a SA (semen analysis) done on Bean, but at this point it doesn't matter how great or shitty the swimmers are because they have nothing to swim to.

Last weeks accident left my car totaled.  I really liked car and I don't enjoy car shopping.  When I bought my car I didn't care what year it was, the color or the features.  I just wanted that type of car and bought the first one I went to see.  I was easy then.  Not so easy this time.  Awhile ago I mentioned upgrading my husband's truck for a more family friendly vehicle like a smaller SUV.  After driving Tank (the rental car) around for the past week I decided I didn't want a larger vehicle.  I don't need the space.  All I carry around are my pets and photography equipment, nether take up that much space.  There is the occasional airport run but I'm sure there is a bus schedule or something for those people.  I don't have kids and at the rate I'm going the car will be paid off before the ovaries return from their vacation.

I bought a VW New Beetle convertible.  Same car I had before but a few years newer, different color and no roof.  No roof means I lost a lot of trunk space since my backseat no longer folds down.  I figured this choice would be the least family friendly.  I'll be a happy infertile... 

When I go to my GYN appointment to get a refill on my fertility meds or another layer of cell cut off my cervix I'll think of the soccer mom in the mini van.  Especially when I pass them on the highway because they couldn't get to 60MPH in less than 10 second.  Oh the wind blowing threw my hair and the sun on my vitamin D deficient skin.  Enjoy Radio Disney and the stretch marks!

Hidden Text:  York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr.,

Random Update

Bean and I spent a good portion of the weekend arguing.  I'm angry and depressed because I'm broken and he just doesn't get it.  I told him I was pissed because it's so frustrating trying to get an appointment at the new GYN, among other things.  So he offered to call Monday morning.  Of course by Monday I forgot all about it.  But he did get me an appointment for early next week.

Along with being an GYN mess, I'm also made myself a regular at the ENT (Ear, Nose, & Throat or Otolaryngologists).  I've managed to collect problems in all three of those categories.

Ears - Both conductive & sensorineural hearing loss.  Not sure the cause but I had ear infection after infection as a child. Also have ETD (Eustachian Tube Dysfunction) & a family history of hearing loss.  Both grandparents were deaf.

Nose - Oh snotty nose!  Bring the allergies on.

Throat - Tonsillitis & I share a long past.  After my tonsils swelled almost completely closed several times in college, they were removed when I was 21.  No problems since. 

I had allergy testing a couple weeks ago.   After going for the results last week I learned I'll allergic to everything they tested me for.  Including trees, grass, weeds, cotton, puppies, kitties, mold, dust and the American cockroach (so gross).  I'd go live in a bubble but I'm probably allergic to that too.  *sigh* I start allergy shots soon.  But my hearing has gotten slightly better.  The ENT is still talking about putting tubes in my ears to even out the pressure from ETD.  I feel too old for ear tubes.

My blood pressure dropped from 140/90 to 115/80 since stopping Microgestin. Yay!

---

Last year when Bean was deployed I started painting pottery.  I always liked ceramics in high school but never liked actually working with the clay (it was always so messy).  This is perfect since I really just liked painting anyways.  So now I have a house full of things I painted.  Bean told me he likes my painted bowls and plates over the actual matching set we own.  But he might of just said that to make me stop crying over said brokenness.  So now a couple times a month I go back to paint until I have a baby, gain my sanity back, or we just don't have room for anymore (I put my money on this one).

I need a more irresponsible look on life too.  It seems to work for everyone else.  I have three piercing in each ear along with a short lived (rejected) navel piercing a couple years ago.  I decided to have my navel re-pierced this past weekend.  Why?  I've always liked them, even with the slut stereotype.  My stomach already has several scars on it so it's not like I have that much to lose.  Not too many people actually see my stomach (or would want to) other than Bean.  It was my random idea a month or so ago if Clomid #1 didn't work.  I'm actually glad I did.  It has been way less painful than the first time I had it done.