Wednesday, January 25, 2012

My Mum & My Infertility

I don't know how to describe my mum.  It seems like she is much older than she is.  She's only 57, 30 when she had me.  However, mentally she is no longer here.  It's like talking to a crazy old person who is off in their own world far from 2012.  A lot of things you tell her do not sink in or her mind starts to wander while in the middle of a conversation.  While she still is my mum, she is no long a mum to me.  She works fast food and lives in an assisted living complex for the elderly.  

I talk to her once a month or every other month by cell phone.  A cell phone that was given to her by the state with limited minutes.  She doesn't have text messaging, picture messaging.  No computer connected to the internet, so no email, Facebook, etc.  

In October I told her I had a surgery.  At Christmas she asked more about it.  I told her it was on on ovaries, tubes, uterus, etc.  She asked why I needed surgery on them.  I started out with "well I don't get my period anymore..." (thanks to PCOS).  She interrupted and let me know that was a blessing because most women didn't want AF.  Well that is true.  But no AF = no eggs = no grandchildren for her.  I didn't mention this though, she doesn't understand how it all works down there.  She doesn't know what PCOS is or anything else wrong with me.  And honestly it's too much work to explain it all for her to only understand 1/4 or less of it.  It's much easier to give short answers.

Today she called for my birthday.  I mentioned I have surgery tomorrow.  She asked if it was on my ovaries again, and I said no, uterus.  She asked if they were going to fix me this time.  If only it were that simple.  I didn't mention that I was pregnant, that the baby died, that I was having surgery to remove the baby.  I didn't see the point.  I didn't want to get asked why it is dead.  

Part of me blames my mum too.  She left and was never around for my teen years.  I got my period, I used toilet paper.  I got made fun of for having hairy legs, I used a box cutter to shave them.  My hair got long, I cut it myself.  I stopped getting my period... well there was Google for that.  She was just never there for me.  I figure if she took me to a doctor when I was 16 they could have "fixed" me then, instead of waiting years and seeing many doctors.  Not sure if this is realistic but it has been a lot more work for me.

Needless to say she doesn't know I'm infertile.

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