Saturday, January 14, 2012

Might Be the End?

The rest of today my insides haven't felt right.  There is a lot of pulling.  Burning that feels like is coming from my clit but probably something behind it.  Through dinner I had sharp pains in my lower abdomen, every 30 seconds but sometimes a few minutes in between.  I went to the bathroom and everything felt so heavy and low.  It feels like the pressure I get when I have to poop, but not poop, something more in the front.  That probably makes no sense.  But there is something wrong.  I'm 90% sure these are not normal pregnancy symptoms.   

I went to check my cervix again.  Bright red blood.  I think this is the end.

I don't want it to end this way.  I want a D&C under general anesthesia.  I don't want to miscarry on my own or with the pills.  I don't want to go through the physical pain of it passing.  I hear women say all the time how painful it is.  I'm strong, I have a high tolerance for pain.  But with my cervical stenosis it makes even a heavy AF painful.  How am I going to get the baby through my very scarred cervix?  I'm going to have to see the baby, in my underwear, on the tolilet paper, or in the toilet.  This is NOT the way I imagined seeing my baby for the first time.  What do I do with the baby after?  Do I just flush it?  I wanted to be put out for this.  I didn't want to have to deal with the physical pain or seeing the baby.  I've already done enough. 

I told Bean if I become in too much pain to bring me to the local ER.  They can deal with me, ether by drugging me up or telling me to suck it up and go home.   


  1. You are not going to see anything other than blood. I had the same thing and I was 9 weeks when I mis -carried. It felt like a normal period. The only difference is that I bled a little heavier than normal.
    Honestly let your body do what it has to do naturally. D&C is very painful and that is a greater risk for more scarring.
    And to your previous status its the worst thing that can happen to you close to your birthday. It happened to me the night before mine 3 yrs ago and I think about it every year.. sucks

  2. I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. You and your husband are in our thoughts and prayers. :(

  3. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I will pray fo you. (((((Hugs)))))

  4. Hey hun :( I'm here for you if you need anything. I went through the whole thing alone in my bathroom. I did see my baby in the toilet and it was very painful to pass. I have a high threshold for pain but I was screaming and crying in my bathroom. Don't do it alone if you have to. I bled for 2 1/2 weeks before I passed it and my doctors wouldn't do anything for me but let my body try on my own. I know how hard it is. You can send me an email anytime! *hugs*

  5. My heart is breaking for you. I will be thinking about you and wishing you all the strength in the world to get through this and heal. It fucking sucks. It just fucking sucks.


Me <3 comments... and chocolate peanut butter cups!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...