I went to check my cervix again. Bright red blood. I think this is the end.
I don't want it to end this way. I want a D&C under general anesthesia. I don't want to miscarry on my own or with the pills. I don't want to go through the physical pain of it passing. I hear women say all the time how painful it is. I'm strong, I have a high tolerance for pain. But with my cervical stenosis it makes even a heavy AF painful. How am I going to get the baby through my very scarred cervix? I'm going to have to see the baby, in my underwear, on the tolilet paper, or in the toilet. This is NOT the way I imagined seeing my baby for the first time. What do I do with the baby after? Do I just flush it? I wanted to be put out for this. I didn't want to have to deal with the physical pain or seeing the baby. I've already done enough.
I told Bean if I become in too much pain to bring me to the local ER. They can deal with me, ether by drugging me up or telling me to suck it up and go home.