The Blog

I got a couple medical "bills" lately.  Not really bills, but paperwork from my insurance company letting me know what they paid for and how expensive I am.  I've listed all my expensive from this year on my Cost of Infertility page.

This is just for the month of September:

• Blood work: $1,297
• Ultrasound:  $551
• HSG:  $1,770
• Medication:  $50
• Total:  $3,668

This does not include surgery or anything related to it.  So I'm sure October will be even higher.  

We do have a $250 semen analysis bill that we are still trying to get our insurance to cover.  

I originally started this blog last spring to document my infertility (IF) journey.  I admit I wish the journey was much shorter because it's like fucking December again.  Sometimes writing helps me sort out my thoughts.  And I wanted to help others on the same journey.  Before I started I read several IF blogs.  They were bitter, angry, depressing, cautious, and honest.  But those were exactly the things I felt too!  Before I was crying at a negative pregnancy (PG) test and I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy for my PG friends.  I was shown I wasn't alone, and those are things that other IF people feel.  I write for all the other IF women and couples.

I do link a blog post to my Facebook every once and awhile. (This is closely monitored and I only have a set number of people that see it.)  I also have one of those fan pages for people to Like me.  However, I'm still not comfortable enough to "advertise" my brokeness.  I usually go one of two ways.  I'll talk about everything in detail about my ovaries and cervix.  I'll even do this to men.  If you want to know, I'll just throw it right out there.  Or I don't say much at all.  Maybe tell them I hate kids, or I'm not ready for them, or I can lock my pets up when they are bad.  Anything quick that moves right to another topic.  It depends on the person and how I'm feeling that day.  But more often the second one happens.  I keep everything hidden and tucked inside of me.  Most fertiles do not respond to IF well.  Often times it is looked down upon.  

Over the last couple weeks I've gotten a few compliments from fertiles I know telling me they love this blog.  Which is surprising to me because it is not really written for the fertile population, or at least not to be accepted by it.  I do throw my true feeling out there because I know there is at least 1, 10, or 100+ other IF women that feel the exact same way.  But my true feeling are not always the nicest thing I could say and probably offend many people.  So sorry I'm a bitter, infertile, bitch. (This is probably the only apology this blog will ever give.)  And thanks to those few that have sent me messages and enjoy my blog.  

The other day I was sharing photos of my pets at work.  I showed an older co-worker this picture of Buddy.  I think I called him my "baby" or "furkid", something like that.  She gave me a looks of disappointment and told me I need to have real babies.     *awkward silence*  I responded a few seconds later with, "umm I'm broken... ovaries and all."  And then I walked off.  I really wasn't sure what to say.  But until these ovaries actually do their job there are going to be LOTS of photos of my furkids because that's all I fucking got.  So deal.  Buddy is pretty cute though.

I just drove five hours to my hometown three states away.  I haven't lived here since 2007.  It has changed so much.  I love driving around and seeing all the new stores that have been built.  But in other ways it has changes so little.  Same ol' shit, just years later.  I am happy I moved away from this area.  

-Selbe

CD7