Random Update

Teef

I got teeth cleaned and repaired last Wednesday following my initial appointment a couple weeks ago.  The cleaning was the basic normal stuff, though they looked really clean for forgetting about them for the last two years.  The chip was an easy fix and now my tooth is all smooth again.  They did numb my mouth for the sealant, once on the right, once on the left.  I don't remember being numbed last time and I hate it.  My tongue flaps around in there with no control over it and I have no idea if I'm drooling or not.  He took the drill to each one of my teeth before putting the sealing in.  I was all good but one tooth it really bothered.  Not ouch pain but annoying.  They still hurt a tiny bit.

Allergies

My nose has been insanely itchy the last couple days.  And my dog has started to shed.  Those are probably connected so I started taking my Clarinex again.  I really need to sit outside with him and brush his coat or vacuum him or something.  Maybe do some hardcore vacuuming around the house. 

Running

I don't mind running but I hate being in the sun and heat.  I'm a little whiny bitch sometimes when it comes to being hot.  The sun has been out all week.  So I run at 10pm now, which is much cooler and I get better times.  A few of the roads have limited lighting and with cars coming I'm blinded.  I'm 99.9% sure one night I will run into a mailbox.  Just saying...

Vent #1 - Really Infertile

I hate when people tell me they can't have kids.  I'm not talking about PCOS, Endo, unexplained, etc.  Severe problems like missing female organs, ovaries for example (BS).  And they get pregnant (and give birth) before I do.  It's some sort of miracle from God.  But I stand there with my mouth wide open then shaking my head.  My thoughts: 

1. I'm really, really screwed up on the inside if the women without a uterus gets PG before me
2. They want people to feel bad for them
3. They have a horrible doctor, lack basic medical knowledge and/or the ability to Google things

I'm going to go with #2, same cases #3.

Has anyone else met people like this?  I've had it happen several time.  

Vent #2 - Babies"R"Us

*sigh* I signed up for a Babies"R"Us registry last January for the items I couldn't find at Target.  Now that my "due date" is coming soon they have started calling me.  A couple weeks ago they wanted to welcome me and congratulating me on my upcoming addition.  I don't want to be congratulating.  Today the wanted to know if I got my sale coupons.  Call me one more fucking time and I will actually pick up the phone and tell my whole story.  Note to self:  Don't register with them next time.

Vent #3 - My Lil' Bump

While I was walking around Wal-Mart the other night I saw their maternity clothes that I never noticed before.  My Lil' Bump makes it sound so cute to be pregnant.  I got a quick glimpse of what type of women wear Wal-Mart's My Lil' Bump.  And it is not your 20 or 30's something married women with a house, job, SUV, dog, whatnot.  I could write a whole blog post about this with references to welfare, but I'm really not feeling bitter right now.  Nor do I really have to time to.  So I'll just drop it, but I did take a photo.

-Selbe

Having Hope (or Not)

Source

Every once and awhile someone tells me I have to have hope.  That's nice and all (and true for somethings).  But one thing I've learned with the last two unresponsive Clomid cycles, hope does not matter.  Round 4 @ 100mg ended with no ovulation.  Round 5 @ 150mg also looks like no ovulation.  It doesn't matter how much hope I have, or how much I've convinced myself the stars have lined up and this is it.  My ovaries do not see that.  With no eggs, there will be no pregnancy, and that's it.

Not saying I will give up on hope all together.  

I am emotionally drained.  I'm tired of the BBT, checking my cervix several times a day and saliva ferning.  I'm most sick of the ovulation predictor tests (OPKs), the fact I can't aim for the cup to save my life, and that they are ALL negative.  I've seen about 50 negative ones in the last two cycles.  Second I'm tired of all the meds.  I now have a pill case so I remember to take them all each day.  But it is already full with fertility meds, vitamins, allergy meds and any other herb that promises to fix something wrong with me.  I'm tired of taking all these things because I really don't see any of these things actually working (well except for the allergy stuff).  Then there is the side effects (fertility drugs).  I'm tired of timed intercourse, AKA forced sex.  Sure sex is fun and all, but when you feel you need to have it at certain intervals and not just when your horny, well it gets old... quick.  Sometimes I look up at Bean and wish he would just cum, as bad as that sounds.  Of course there is also the hope I do give myself each cycle which has resulted in nothing.  The hope I have the first two weeks that I might actually ovulate this cycle, or the hope in the two weeks following that I might be PG.  Then the disappointment after when you realize it didn't happen, and then do that over and over again.  

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  Half of me wants to give up and just let my body be as it is.  "Let God take it into his hand."  Just remove all meds and let AF come and go as it wishes, and without all the extra stress.  Maybe my body will "fix" itself (though I honestly don't believe this).  But I'm not one to give up.  The other half of me want to go forward with fertility treatment.  Whatever I do, THIS is not working.  As in Provera, Clomid, Provera, Clomid...  

The other part of my frustration is I don't actually understand what is wrong with me.  I don't have a 100% diagnoses.  I don't fit into a certain category.  I don't understand how I ended up this way.  What inside my body went wrong?  Maybe I have a much more severe case of PCOS than they think?

My OBGYN will not prescribe Clomid past 150mg.  A lot of GYN and RE are like that, although I've heard some will go as high as 250mg.  I'm pretty cool with never taking Clomid ever again in my life.  So I switch to Femara or get kicked out and sent to an RE.  Not really sure what the RE will do with me.  

I'm not really heartbroken that this is another anovulatory cycle.  But more disappointed.  I mean I was already on my way to the RE anyways, so that doesn't change anything.  Already dragging my raisin ovaries with me ether way.  

Sometimes I tell people I could cut my ovaries out and replace them with tennis balls and they would do the same thing.  That's a little true.  Tennis balls don't produce hormones (although I don't think my ovaries do most the time ether).  Sometimes I think there are 45 year old women that are more fertile than me.  Ok that one is true, and sad.  

PS I found this article about anovulatory cycles:  What Is An Anovulatory Cycle, What Causes It And How To Prevent It?

CD18, -OPK (whatever...)

Good & Bad News

Good:  My husband got promoted at work.  As of September he'll be a Chief.

Bad:  Bean now works even longer hours for this Chief training.  He leaves the house at 3AM, and gets home at 9PM.  So I don't see much of him.

Bad: Our vacation for next week got changed.  Originally we were going to leave the 8th and return around the 14th.  Now we are leaving in the evening on the 6th and returning the 9th.  Much less time and a good portion of it will be driving since it's 9 hours one way.  I'm not sure what to do.  I was really looking forward to it so I don't want to cancel it.  But I just think it's a waste to drive all that way to stay there for such a short time.  It's so upsetting since Bean and myself already got time off work for it.  Now with less than a week to spare they are telling him he can no longer go.  I'm done making plans, there is no point anymore.

Good:  By the time my child is born Bean will be a Chief.  Sure First Class was OK if we had to, but Chief is even better.  My child will be proud.

Good:  I started another round of Clomid on Sunday.

Bad:  I got increased to 150mg, my Clomid rage has already began.  I've only taken 2 doses (6 pills).

Bad:  I planned for O and lots of sex around the time of our vacation.  Since the dates no longer line up this probably won't happen.   I'm worried Bean will be to worn out for anything.

Bad:  I'm worried the great hope I had for this cycle is fading away quickly.  And it's only CD6.

FCNE Packet

Good:  I got a packet from my new RE in the mail for my upcoming appointment on the 18th.

Bad:  The packet is really nice with a bunch of brochures.  Nothing like the standard copy paper forms you get from a normal doctor before a visit.  This reinforced my theory that a RE is going to be expensive.  It's like they are trying to sell their services.  Not like there is much competition since they are the only one within an hour of here.

FSH CD3-5

Good:  My  FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) came back negative.  Meaning no low egg supply/low egg quality/ovarian failure/early menopause.  Not sure how accurate it is since it was the urine type, not blood.  But I'm sure it would be long before they take my blood for that too.

Good:  I got more allergy testing the other day.  Mold!

Bad:  After 78 needles in my right and left arms, I showed up positive to every type of mold.  No surprise.

I feel bad for those that didn't make Chief this year, especially those who have been eligible for 4+ times now.  (Bean got it on his first time.)  I'm trying to relate this to our IF journey.  I watch people get PG without trying or only after a month or so of trying.  Sometimes they do it all over again with baby #2, #3...  I get so fucking pissed since it's so easy for them.  I figure this is the same idea with a bunch of "why not me" and "but we've been trying for longer".  Ether way I still feel bad, hell some days I even feel bad for myself and my fucked up body.  So yeah... (I actually had good hope for this paragraph, but then got off track and realized it's 2AM.  I'm starting to get tired.)

CD6

Prenatal Vitamins

Nothing new really.

Bean hasn't gotten his SA results back yet.  I ask him everyday.  He told me yesterday that they are able to hold to results for up to 90 days (military health system).  Well lets hope I get knocked up between now and 90 days.

Not sure what my OPKs are doing this cycle.  They are dark, and then light, then dark, etc., over and over again.  It's CD16 so maybe I already missed it for this cycle, and my one boob has been sore the last few days.  I might be diluting it with my increased water intake or something.

I got new multivitamins, well more like prenatals.  My old ones only had the minimum for folic acid.  They also had caffeine and were running out anyways.  The caffeine worked out awesome if I remembered to take it in the morning, not so well in the afternoon.  I also noticed all the prenatals were low on vitamin D.  So from...

• Women's Energy & Metabolism Vitamins - 1600 IU Vitamin D, 400 mcg Folic Acid

to...

• Prenatal w/ Iron - 400 IU Vitamin D, 1000 mcg Folic Acid
• Vitamin D - 2000 IU

My ENT told me my ears and sinuses feel better than they look.  My ear drums are still sunken in and my nose is still filled with snot.  I have more allergy testing scheduled for next week, specific molds this time.  I guess this gets me ready for winter.  

CD16, OPK-

Keeping the Swimmers In

I said I'd give Instead Softcups an attempt for TTC since they got great reviews on Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com.

I had two fears of these things.  1. That is would act more as a diaphragm than an $8 IUI.  2.  It would turn into a huge mess.

And this is the part of the post that becomes TMI.

I have to keep this device in arm's reach during sex.  I can't really go looking for it after the act because...yeah...  So it sits on the bed next to me bouncing up and down having a great time with us.  Bean is honestly grossed out by the idea but he deals.  After we are done my butt is lifted high in the air to keep everyone in.  Getting it inside me really isn't that hard.  With my own fluid, lube and semen it slides right in.  The hardest part is trying to "scoop up" the swimming as it's inserted.  

I started using it CD10 just for practice.  After I put it in I just laid in bed for awhile in fear it would leak.  I actually think I just fell asleep.  It didn't leak at all and I took it out 8 hours later.  I tried pulling it as I was sitting down so I wouldn't dump the cup but I couldn't get my finger under the lip to pull.  So I tried standing up.  Of course I broke the seal and dumped it.  Everything that was in it was now all over my bathroom rug.  But I was surprised that it actually held and there was extra sperm, Pre-seed and fluid in the cup.

On CD11 it was also used.  A little bit more sperm can out while trying to insert it.  After 5 minutes of laying there I got up to pee with no leakage.  Everything was good except I did wake up in the middle of the night to find a small wet spot.  I removed it after 10 hours.  There was less than the previous day but I still dumped it and a good amount came out.

This is the stupidest idea ever but it might actually work.  So it gives me some hope.

If nothing happens this cycle then Bean is going for SA (Semen Analysis).  Dr. S has already asked me twice to have one done and I really should now that I O (sometimes) especially since I'm sure our insurance covers it.

I brought myself to paint pottery after my allergy shots today.  Painting usually puts me in a better mood.  My sleep schedule has 

improved compared to the 15 hours a day of sleep I needed for awhile.  Not sure if it was my allergies, one after another colds I had all winter or what that caused it.  I only need the standard 8 hours of sleep lately and I'm way less run down.  I now have tons of free time that I'm not sure what to do with.

CD12, OPK-

Why Not to be Pregnant

I try to stay positive so I thought of a few reasons why last month really wasn't a good month to get PG in anyways.

1.  I can drive my small convertible for awhile longer.

Because it's not like I can fit a car seat and stroller in that car at the same time.

2.  I can get drunk for two more weeks (at least)!

Even though I'm kind of getting sick of drinking.

3.  I can start allergy shots.

Which I should have done last month but I got busy and never made an appointment.  Typical me.  So two shots in my arm twice a week for what feels like the rest of my life.

4.  X-rays for me at the dentist.  

Again if I ever make an appointment.  This might not be a positive thing if I need my wisdom teeth out.

5.  January really isn't a good month to be born in anyways.

I'm a January baby, so is Bean, and the rest of my family.  It's too close to Christmas, you always get those "combination" gifts.  I always said I never wanted my child born in that month anyways.  

6.  I now have a better chance for the 2012 baby I always wanted.

Or 2013, 2014...

7.  I'll at least be 27 by the time my first child is born.

Hey it's better than 17.

8.  I get new running/walking shoes.

Thanks to Bean's bet I now have $100 to buy myself new shoes.  Which is good because I can no longer use the treadmill at the gym with my current sneakers.  They are too small for my feet and rub.

9.  More time to lose weight.

Yeah that one probably won't happen.

10.  Less time PG during the summer.

Because it's fucking humid here.  You don't want to be knocked up during the summer.

I kind of had to stretch with a few of those.  I'm really one of those "all things happen for a reason" people.  Maybe I just haven't been TTC for long enough to believe that's a line of bull yet.

Which makes be realize that it's May.  Last year this time we decided to stop using all birth control and condoms to "see what would happen."  The answer is nothing, nothing happens.  Gosh that would have been good to know back when I was in college.  

Today is also CD3 so more Clomid.

CD3

Random Update

Bean and I spent a good portion of the weekend arguing.  I'm angry and depressed because I'm broken and he just doesn't get it.  I told him I was pissed because it's so frustrating trying to get an appointment at the new GYN, among other things.  So he offered to call Monday morning.  Of course by Monday I forgot all about it.  But he did get me an appointment for early next week.

Along with being an GYN mess, I'm also made myself a regular at the ENT (Ear, Nose, & Throat or Otolaryngologists).  I've managed to collect problems in all three of those categories.

Ears - Both conductive & sensorineural hearing loss.  Not sure the cause but I had ear infection after infection as a child. Also have ETD (Eustachian Tube Dysfunction) & a family history of hearing loss.  Both grandparents were deaf.

Nose - Oh snotty nose!  Bring the allergies on.

Throat - Tonsillitis & I share a long past.  After my tonsils swelled almost completely closed several times in college, they were removed when I was 21.  No problems since. 

I had allergy testing a couple weeks ago.   After going for the results last week I learned I'll allergic to everything they tested me for.  Including trees, grass, weeds, cotton, puppies, kitties, mold, dust and the American cockroach (so gross).  I'd go live in a bubble but I'm probably allergic to that too.  *sigh* I start allergy shots soon.  But my hearing has gotten slightly better.  The ENT is still talking about putting tubes in my ears to even out the pressure from ETD.  I feel too old for ear tubes.

My blood pressure dropped from 140/90 to 115/80 since stopping Microgestin. Yay!

---

Last year when Bean was deployed I started painting pottery.  I always liked ceramics in high school but never liked actually working with the clay (it was always so messy).  This is perfect since I really just liked painting anyways.  So now I have a house full of things I painted.  Bean told me he likes my painted bowls and plates over the actual matching set we own.  But he might of just said that to make me stop crying over said brokenness.  So now a couple times a month I go back to paint until I have a baby, gain my sanity back, or we just don't have room for anymore (I put my money on this one).

I need a more irresponsible look on life too.  It seems to work for everyone else.  I have three piercing in each ear along with a short lived (rejected) navel piercing a couple years ago.  I decided to have my navel re-pierced this past weekend.  Why?  I've always liked them, even with the slut stereotype.  My stomach already has several scars on it so it's not like I have that much to lose.  Not too many people actually see my stomach (or would want to) other than Bean.  It was my random idea a month or so ago if Clomid #1 didn't work.  I'm actually glad I did.  It has been way less painful than the first time I had it done.