Thursday, September 8, 2011


At Bean's SA appointment I found a book in the waiting room labeled "Patient's Journal".  It was a recording from various patients of how their IF journey is going.  It's supposed to make you feel like you're not alone.  I skimmed through the whole book, how depressing.  These women (and men) talked about their past failed IUI and IVF procedures, some going through so many.  And their hope for their current cycle.  Some were written years ago.  It makes me wonder how many of them got their wish, and how many eventually put their dreams behind them and moved on.  I don't know if I want to put myself through that.  

Sometimes I don't feel like a women.  I'm not saying I'm going to start cross-dressing or get a sex change.  I have all the parts but they just don't work.  I love my boobs, and sometimes I use them to my advantage.  But they may never do what they were designed to do, feed my newborn child.  My ovaries are completely useless.  Fallopian tubes, they haven't failed me yet.  But without the ovaries they don't have much of a job.  Uterus, that doesn't do much of anything ether.  Even with Provera.  And my vagina.  Super high libido and I'm always ready to go.  That probably got the best deal out of all of this.  (I read this might be a PCOS symptom, extra male hormone & all.)  But in all honestly I do feel broken.  I don't feel like a real women.  I can't do the basics that these things were designed for.

Provera, I don't know what it's doing.  Normally I start AF on the 6th or 7th day after taking the first pill, which would have been Monday or Tuesday.  But nothing yet.  All I've had is some brown spotting during sex, but nothing any other time.  And some light cramping.  Not sure what is going on.  

Sometimes I say I hate kids.  I feel if I talk myself into not liking children then I'll no longer want one and I can put this all behind me.  This really isn't the truth and I still melt at the sight of babies.  Last month I mentioned I didn't like working with pregnant women.  They believe the world just rotates around them.  Every once and awhile I'll have a conversation with one, but most days I'm silent.  I don't ask what they are having (although it's pretty obvious with all the pink or blue clothes) or when they are due.  I really don't give a fuck.  I do help them load their cart because I'm not a total bitch.  I sometimes remind myself that maybe they went through fertility treatments too.  But the ones that have several kids close in age I know that's a lie.  My fertile co-worker mentioned last week about how she hates dealing with PG women too, so I don't feel so bad.  Another thing I don't like is screaming kids.  If I acted the way some of these kids do I'd get beaten in public.  (I didn't grow up in the best home, I even got hit once in a grocery store as a child because I refused to push a shopping cart.)  But some of these parents just don't care.

I'm sick of Facebook and the constant updates reminding me I'm IF.  I'm sick of pregnancy announcements, those stupid automatic tickers that let me know you're x weeks now, belly photos, hearing about your pregnancy, hearing how you're kid is the best thing in the world or that your ALREADY on baby #2.  These come mostly from people I'm not close to, usually haven't seen in years.  I should just delete them all.  If you're close to me then I really do care about your PG.  I really don't use Facebook as much as I used to.  I used to update my status 3-4 times a day.  But now everyday I'm ether at work, class, a doctors appointment, or sleeping.  I don't do much else and it makes for some boring status updates.  I'm a very open person.  I really don't like hiding about my IF, but I feel like I kind of have to.  People really don't understand unless they have come over to this side of the track.  Many are naive and have no interest in even understanding it.  But once you've crossed the tracks, even if you have a successful pregnancy or pregnancies, you never go back to being that naive fertile.  It stays with you for life.  I know 99% of people don't have any idea what some of the feelings I've felt are like.  I'd love to educate about infertility, but unfortunately like most other causes out there people have no interest in listening until it affects them.

I'm tired of everything.  I'm sick of being poked and prodded.  I'm sick of running from doctors appointments to doctors appointments.  I want to be a normal person.  I want to go back to being the girl that bragged about having four periods a year, only buying a box of tampons once every two years, and never having PMS and sore boobs.  Fuck, I was amazing, most women would want that!  Maybe I'll go back to all-natural for awhile and take a bunch of vitamins.  I've taken almost all my GNC Prenatal vitamins now.  I don't feel like I've accomplished much with them, plus they are big and stinky.  I'm going to get some gummy prenatals at Target next.  No need to make this harder than it has to be.  

This was a nice dream.  Maybe it's time for move on for awhile.  Move on with my life.  

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