Day Four

Bean & I

CD 6

As for my D&C I'm doing fine.  Some minor cramping, nothing too painful.  My bleeding has become less and less, and turned from red to brown.  Some "chunks" but I've seen worse.  I'm also a little moody, like PMS or Clomid angry.  So it just feels like a normal period.  

A commenter wrote on one of my other posts that CD1 starts when my hCG = zero, and that O might be later.  I'm still going to count the D&C as CD1 and keep counting from there.  It just makes it easier to keep track of things right now.  And then maybe restart CD1 once hCG is zero, or something.  I'm sure that will not be for awhile ether way.  

In December I mentioned I didn't care if I got pregnant or not, as long as I ovulated.  Same holds true now.  My ovaries need to go back to kindergarden.  Step 1:  Mature egg(s),  Step 2: Release them.  We can figure out the whole sperm and sex thing later on.  You can fill my uterus with swimmer until it's completely full but it will still do no good.  I don't care if I ovulate late, or if my real period just shows up randomly.  But for the love of PCOS, please ovaries don't make me sit around 'til CD90 and end up on Provera again.  Just do something, anything!

If I can get knocked up without fertility drugs, and some weird herbal stuff I bought on Amazon, then I'm going to get knocked up again on the weird herbal stuff.  This will be my approach until I get desperate enough to spend the $3k on an IUI.  The herbal stuff (Vitex) makes you poop a lot.  I forgot about this side effect when I started it last fall.  Oh well, my system with stabilize again and I'll be back to normal soon.

What's most annoying side effect from this whole thing?  I can't find its connection but I'm still really dizzy.  Actually I Googled it because I wasn't sure the different between dizzy, lightheaded and vertigo.

Loki & I

• The stuff around me is moving.  Sometimes it just randomly moves.  Other times I turn my head a certain way.  Or I blink and when I open my eyes it is moving.  Only lasts a few second then returns to normal again.  This happens when I'm standing or sitting, but not when I'm laying down.  - This is vertigo.
• When vertigo happens I feel like I'm going to fall down.  Or pass out, or hit the floor.  It's scary, especially at work.  I don't want to fall. - This is lightheadedness.

I feel like I'm drunk.  I went to a dinner this past Saturday.  I didn't drink or dance, or do any type of moving around really.  Just sat there.  I planned on drinking but didn't feel good all day and when I went to the bathroom I couldn't get the bathroom to stop moving.  I figured mixing booze and my current state wouldn't turn out well.  (PS it was an 80's party.  I added some photos since I'm normally bad about that.)

I've tried Sea Band, Dramamine and ginger ale.  Nothing works.  I don't know where it is coming from.  My shitty lagging pregnancy symptoms, surgery, future ear infection on the way, trauma?  If anyone has any tips on how to make it go away they will be greatly appreciated.  My appointment with my primary doctor isn't for a couple weeks for this.

-Selbe

Pregnancy Checklist for Fertiles & Infertiles

On another blog recently I saw a checklist for an infertile who recently got pregnant after a miscarriage in the past.  It was pretty much her detailed list of things that needed to be accomplished before that baby could arrive. 

Before I become infertile if I had to make a list it would include things list "buy baby stuff" or "paint baby room."  I looked at this women's list and saw "maintain cardiac activity" written several times.  It didn't matter about what shade of pink the walls were, she just wanted a healthy baby.  I think sometimes we take that for granted.  

So I have a checklist for fertiles AND infertiles.  Keep in mind this is VERY bias towards infertility (hence the blog).  So don't take it to heart.  But in my eyes this is how I see the world right now.

	Infertile	Fertile
Week 1	Maybe this is my turn after waiting several years.  Maybe some more fertility drugs.  Google, buy, & try new set of products that someone told you would work to get you pregnant.	Maybe this is my turn after waiting a cycle or two.
Week 2	Lots of OPKs, more drugs, maybe IUI/IVF.	Vagina + Penis Time.
Week 3	Google every early pregnancy symptom you can think of.  Take a few HPT just in case you get an early +.	La la la...
Week 4	+HPT, have blood pregnancy test beta #1 taken, worry about miscarriage, worry about beta #2 not going up quickly enough, worry about ectopic pregnancy.  Keep taking HPTs to make sure line is getting darker.	Hmm, late period.
Week 5	First ultrasound, look for multiple babies, hope to see SOMETHING, worry about baby growing, worry about no heartbeat found, worry about miscarriage, worry beta #3 doesn't go up enough.	+HPT, announce to EVERYONE you know, including Facebook
Week 6	Second ultrasound, look for heartbeat, again worry about growing, heart, miscarriage, and find some other things to worry about.	Again make sure everyone knows. Call OBGYN, they won't see you 'til 8 or 12 weeks. :(
Week 7	Repeat week 6 for third ultrasound.  Make sure heart is still beating.  Take trip to ER because you think your spotting equals miscarriage.	Start baby shopping.
Week 8	Forth ultrasound.  Baby still alive?  Write birth plan.	La, la, la?
Week 9	You are so grateful for morning sickness.  This means my baby is healthy.	Complain to everyone how horrible you feel with morning sickness.
Week 10	Baby still alive?  Graduate to OBGYN.  This is bittersweet.  Tell OB you ovulated January 13th at 11:30AM.  Get a very confused look.	First OBGYN appointment.  Complain about something.  Maybe having to get a pap smear. Tell OB you can't remember what your LMP was.  What's LMP?
Week 11	Worry about miscarriage.  Another trip to ER.	Start thinking about baby shower.
Week 12	Baby still alive?  I love throwing up.	First ultrasound, cell phone picture of ultrasound on Facebook before I even get home.  I hate throwing up.
Week 13	Out of first trimester.  Odds of miscarriage decrease.	Happy to be throwing up less.
Week 14	Worry about cervical incompetence.	Worry who to invite to baby shower.
Week 15	Baby still alive?	Shopping?
Week 16	Yes I need maternity clothes!  Look at that bump!	Worry about getting fat & needing maternity clothes.
Week 17	Re-read baby & pregnancy book for third time.	Buy pregnancy book.
Week 18	Worry about something.	La, la, la?
Week 19	Gender ultrasound.  Is my baby OK?  Does it have all limbs and organs?	Gender ultrasound.  I really want a ____.
Week 22	Worry baby isn't moving enough.	Buy stuff.
Week 24	Chances of baby surviving out of womb are higher now, if I went into labour early.	La, la, la?
Week 25	More tests?  Yes!  Is my baby healthy?	I hate the ____ test!
Week 26	Pay off expensive fertility treatment loan.	Buy expensive baby stuff.
Week 27	I wish I could have a free baby like fertiles.	All this baby stuff is really expensive.
Week 28	I love feeling the baby kick so I know it's OK.	This baby kicking is painful.  Soccer player on the way?
Week 29	Bedrest?  Sure, as long as my baby is healthy.	Yell at the 16 year old cashier at Babies"R"Us for something stupid & you'll regret later.  Dam hormones.
Week 30	Finally take baby bin out of basement that you've been saving for the last few years.	Set up baby's room.
Week 35	Hard time sleeping, but at least my baby is healthy.	So uncomfortable.  I want this baby out of me soon.
Week 36	Maybe I should of had a baby shower.  But I always hated those things.  Nevermind, something threw me a surprise shower anyways. :/	Use few giftcards I got for baby items.
Week 37	Worry about baby being stillborn, or something wrong with it.	Worry about baby being stillborn, or something wrong with it.
Week 38	I can't wait to met my baby.	I want this baby out of me NOW.
Week 39	La, la, la.	Employ the help of your whole Facebook friends list on how to induce labor.
Week 40	La, la, la.	After a few false alarms, finally in labor & delivery.
Baby Week 1	My baby is amazing.	My baby is amazing.

-Selbe

Day Two

CD3

Nothing too bad yet.  

I had some mild cramping today, not anything worse than menstrual cramps.  I took some Iburprofen before returning to work today incase I got stuck and even more pain.  

I'm doing better than I thought with the Doxycycline.  Last night I got it down fine by taking it before a meal.  No nausea or vomiting.  This morning the same.  But tonight I began getting nauseous about an hour after taking it.  I laid down and my stomach felt better.  This is also a drug you are not supposed to take with food.  Fuck that.  I say it doesn't matter.  It stays in my stomach, that is all that should matter.

Bleeding is like a light period.  I get a few drops and then nothing for a few more hours.  I was excepting worse.  I bought a bunch of heavy overnight pads for this special event.  (I can't use normal pads anymore, I ether bleed out the front or bleed out the back.  Not sure why since I have a small frame.)  I've moved to pantiliners since I can't use tampons.  Not sure why it is so light, I heard heavy for a week or two.  Maybe this is all I have, or the rest is coming for me soon, or they got it all out during the D&C.

I'm hoping for the pregnancy hormones to get out of me sooner rather than later.  I'm still really exhausted.  Come 9 or 10PM I start going downhill quick.  My boobs are still sore, not as bad as before and at night.  My dizziness is still there.  

My next "pregnancy test" is Thursday.  Nothing like one of those appointments you have to drag your feet to.  I honestly was thinking of skipping out on this experience all together until the RE mentioned some "rare" condition where not all of the placenta is removed and buries itself into the uterine wall.  Not sure the name since this was right before I was drugged.  But I agreed to test out the hCG because I don't want baby chunks inside me.  There, he scared me.

I need to change my Post-op appointment because I found out I work that morning.  Not like it matters. I'm not going forward with injectable anytime soon.  And I don't think the RE requested testing on the baby, least not with my consent.  If it was really big news the RE would have told us something before we left the surgery center, instead we got an "everything looks good" which I was drugged for and don't remember.

My biggest excitement for this cycle is testing out my new fertility monitor.  I started this morning, being CD2 and all... kinda.  I can't use the internal part for another week or so.  No penis', no tampons, no fingers, no special rubber toys, no internal vag readers for at least 7 days.  Those things are all "dirty".  No dirt in vagina.  

I did return to work today.  I just was told not to lift anything heavy, and something else maybe.  Anyways I survived.  

-Selbe

D&C Surgery

CD1... fucking again

Today was my D&C for my baby boy.  Although the board in the OR and my paper work says D&E.  I tired Googling to find the difference, only thing I could find the D&C is for first trimester, D&E for second.  Though they might just be used interchangeably.  

1/25 11:30 PM - Last meal of birthday cake and leftover french fries.  Real healthy!

1/26 12:15 AM - Last drink of water, don't tell anymore I drank past midnight!

Bracelets

7:00 AM - Wake up.  Braid my new blue hair. (Another post there.)

7:45 - Leave for surgery center for our 8:30 appointment.  So hungry and thirsty.  Bean decides to leave my 3 month old puppy out in the house unattended.  Tons of toys so "he'll be fine".

8:10 - Arrive and get registered.  New hospital bracelets.

8:15 - Waiting room.  I look around at all the other women there for Dr. H.  I wonder what they are there for.  Maybe they lost their babies too, or for a lap surgery like I had in October, or something else.  

Pre-Surgery Questionnaire

Sometimes I don't know what to put:

Pre-Surgery Questionnaire 

Oh well...

-Selbe

My Mum & My Infertility

I don't know how to describe my mum.  It seems like she is much older than she is.  She's only 57, 30 when she had me.  However, mentally she is no longer here.  It's like talking to a crazy old person who is off in their own world far from 2012.  A lot of things you tell her do not sink in or her mind starts to wander while in the middle of a conversation.  While she still is my mum, she is no long a mum to me.  She works fast food and lives in an assisted living complex for the elderly.  

I talk to her once a month or every other month by cell phone.  A cell phone that was given to her by the state with limited minutes.  She doesn't have text messaging, picture messaging.  No computer connected to the internet, so no email, Facebook, etc.  

In October I told her I had a surgery.  At Christmas she asked more about it.  I told her it was on on ovaries, tubes, uterus, etc.  She asked why I needed surgery on them.  I started out with "well I don't get my period anymore..." (thanks to PCOS).  She interrupted and let me know that was a blessing because most women didn't want AF.  Well that is true.  But no AF = no eggs = no grandchildren for her.  I didn't mention this though, she doesn't understand how it all works down there.  She doesn't know what PCOS is or anything else wrong with me.  And honestly it's too much work to explain it all for her to only understand 1/4 or less of it.  It's much easier to give short answers.

Today she called for my birthday.  I mentioned I have surgery tomorrow.  She asked if it was on my ovaries again, and I said no, uterus.  She asked if they were going to fix me this time.  If only it were that simple.  I didn't mention that I was pregnant, that the baby died, that I was having surgery to remove the baby.  I didn't see the point.  I didn't want to get asked why it is dead.  

Part of me blames my mum too.  She left and was never around for my teen years.  I got my period, I used toilet paper.  I got made fun of for having hairy legs, I used a box cutter to shave them.  My hair got long, I cut it myself.  I stopped getting my period... well there was Google for that.  She was just never there for me.  I figure if she took me to a doctor when I was 16 they could have "fixed" me then, instead of waiting years and seeing many doctors.  Not sure if this is realistic but it has been a lot more work for me.

Needless to say she doesn't know I'm infertile.

-Selbe

Fourth Ultrasound

Source

No heartbeat found.

Yolk sac measured much farther along than 5w6d, doubling in size from last week.  My body continued going with what was my 9 or 10 week baby never getting the message that it was already gone.  I don't know the exact day the heart stopped.  

We didn't pick out a name because that seems too painful.  Bean and I did decide it's a boy, going by that's what I always thought and he kept calling it.  

-Selbe

New Fertility Monitor

I bought myself a new toy.  I went with the OvaCue Fertility Monitor, oral and vaginal.  It was expensive, $330!  But I am SO sick of OPKs, and buying more OPKs each or every other cycle.  Then dragging the OPKs to work (or on vacation like last summer) and holding my pee in.  Since I have PCOS I have NO idea when or if I ovulate most of the time.  And my birthday is Wednesday, this is cause for a present.

It took me a year and half to get where I am now.  I'm hoping if I throw some Vitex down again, some softcups and have sex every other day I'll get knocked up again in a month or two, or three.  Not another year and half.  This is another stalling attempt on injectables and IUI.  Bean mentioned back in December that even if this PG ended in MC that at least we know I can get naturally PG now.  Not sure if that helped any.  

I decided to take a break from Facebook for at least a week.  It's too depressing.  Feel free to post on my wall or send me messages, I'll get back to you that way.  (I don't really mind if readers of this blog add me.)  Or "Like" the page for this blog.  But no more stalking the newsfeed.  Everyone is so happy with their PG announcements, or birth announcements, or cute baby photos, or just saying insensitive, stupid things.  I really want no part of it.  I'm sure I'll post something from time to time, and probably a cute puppy photo (because that's all I have).  But this is my "I don't care about anyone else" state which is really just to save my own sanity.  

I found this post by another blogger this morning:  The Facebook Miscarriage Announcement.  My favorite:

"10.  The Ultrasound Annoucement, Redoux (Inspired by Elphie’s #2): This one is specific to Blighted ovums. Post the ultrasound pic, with a big red arrow pointing to the empty sac. In case your pool of friends is particularly challenged, write “Doesn’t that Empty Sac look just like me?” above said red arrow."

That's the closest thing that I did.  Uploaded my two ultrasound photos into a generic January album.  Under I wrote when my D&C was scheduled for.  I figured they were a part of my life in January 2012 so that is where it belonged.  Luckly everyone seemed to read and I got no "congratulations", because if they did it would make them look like a huge ass.  I did get a few messages from other women that have gone through the same thing.  One that had a couple LEEPs herself and IUI.  So I think it helped.  

Work sucks lately.  I keep getting dizzy and it really more uncomfortable than anything.  My uterus/ovaries/something down there keeps getting sharp pains.  I have a fear I'll start bleeding out and that will be a mess, so there are frequent trips to the bathroom.  So I just feel yucky, along with emotionally.  I'm glad I'm only working four hours tonight.

Tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound at 7am.  This is the same as last weeks u/s.  Checking for a heartbeat, checking for growth.  

Best Case Scenario:  They miraculously find find a 9 week (or 8, or 7 week old baby) with a heartbeat of 120+ bpm.  -  This also has a less than 0% chance of happening. 

Second Best Case:  This find a 5w6d baby with zero heartbeat.  -  This is most likely.  As sad as it sounds I can move forward with D&C. 

Worst Case Scenario:  They find a 5w6d baby with a heartbeat.  -  Could happen.  This means the baby would be close to a month behind now and cause for D&C anyways.  

-Selbe

Anger

I returned back to work Thursday, Bean on Wednesday.  I'd rather be at work, although there are some things that do upset me.  If not working then I'm just sitting on the couch or laying in bed.  That really doesn't help ether.

People keep asking me how I'm doing.   Honestly how would you be doing in my position?  I'm pissed, I'm angry.  I'm angry at other fertiles, at God, at myself.

Fertilies

I'm upset at couples that can get pregnant so easy.  The ones that try for 2 or 3 months or have just gotten off birth control.  Or the ones that get PG on accident.  Or the ones that get PG on accident while ON birth control (how does that even fucking happen?)  

I've been to the hospital for so many times this year for those that have had healthy babies.  We tried so long, so much.  Finally we got our dream only to have it taken away so soon.  I just happened to be in the small percentage of women this happens to.  A case of bad luck yet again.  Why do I feel like I'm the only one?  I know this isn't that uncommon, this happens to many women.  But yet I feel like I'm the only one to leave the hospital without a baby.  

Before complaining how crappy your pregnancy symptoms are or how horrible your child is, think of all the infertile women.  They would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  

The other day saw someone post on Facebook that they are upset they are not PG yet and would even take a miscarriage right now.  You want to take my life over and see your baby die?  Go right for it.  I'll give you this crappy situation.  Enjoy!

I don't know what's worse.  Getting PG and then losing your baby, or not getting PG at all.  I'm going to go with losing the baby.

God

For the infertile community I usually see one belief in God or the other.  1.  Those that believe God has a way for them and if they pray enough they will get it.  2.  Those that have seen so many bad things happen that they no longer believe said God exists.  I grew up learning God brings good things to those that deserve it and pray.  But what about bad things?  Does God also bring bad things to those that deserve it?  Does something else bring bad things?  Do bad things just come out of nowhere unlike good things?  I've seen a lot of bad things now, abuse and infertility to name a few.  Why does God give those that are clearly unfit to be parent a child?  (story of Caylee Anthony)  Why does he give those that are unwed (a sin) a child?  Why does he let people that are going to suck off welfare have unlimited children?  Why does he deny that to couples that are married, have amazing families and homes?  The anwser is simple.  1.  There is no God.  or 2. God does not control who gets good and bad.  Life is not fair.  If there was a being up there deciding who gets good and bad then life would be fair.  Shithole parents would become infertile and the infertiles would be given the amazing gift of life. However, it doesn't work that way. 

Myself

I'm angry I got myself so happy about the pregnancy.  I'm angry I had so much hope in it.  Maybe I didn't take enough folic acid?  Maybe 800mcg wasn't good enough for me?  (I literally went shopping for MORE folic acid supplements today.  Bean asked how much I need and I told him "more than I have now.")  I'm upset I can't be naive and enjoy a pregnancy without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong.  The ectopic, the miscarriage, my cervix falling.  I'll find something else once I'm cleared safe of all those.  I'm upset I know too much.  

And I'm also angry at my 18 year old unmarried co-worker than opps got pregnant.  I'm sorry I'm not all happy and hugs.  I am a bitch, I am angry.  The baby that took me 1.5 years to make is dying.  If you are pregnant then don't bother talking to me (unless you've been though the same things I have).  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to listen to the complaining.  I don't want to hear how horrible your life is.  Just let me be in my own bubble and looking out the window.  I'll come around someday, but it won't be today, or tomorrow, or even next week.  This goes for everyone who is pregnant.

My few days back at work have been alright.  I'm still kind of out of it.  I'm sure I spend a lot of time staring off into space.  Bean took me shopping last week and I randomly started walking away from him when he was looking at something on a shelve.  He found me half the store away looking at something.  He asked me what I was looking at and I told him "I don't know."  I really don't know.  I just wanted to walk.  I'm there but sometimes my mind isn't.

The hardest was today at work.  I had a few ladies buying tons of baby stuff for their grandchildren (guessing by their ages).  They were so excited and proud for their babies.  Makes me think of my own family.  Sometimes I feel like I never do anything right, my father is never proud of me.  And my mum is just too out of it in general.  I wonder what that's like to have someone proud of you.  But I will never know, least not with this baby.  Because I feel like I fucked up again.  

I keep getting dizzy.  Not sure if this is part of a miscarriage or my ears are messing with me.  I wrote a note with a short description of my medical problem and put it in the pocket.  I figure if I pass out or am in too much pain then someone will know what to do with me.

I got asked by a few people if I'm scared for my D&C on Thursday.  Odd enough both Bean and I are excited for it!  I was never really scared for my lap surgery last October ether, just more what they could find wrong with me since they were going in with the intent of finding something.  But the actually surgery, the IVs, being put out, waking up in pain later really doesn't concern me at all.  And this time they are not digging for something wrong.  Whenever I'm told I need another procedure, LEEP, HSG, lap surgery, the D&C now, at first I do feel sorry for myself.  Then I read a lot online, especially seeing many other women go though the same thing, and just tell myself they are routine procedures or something.  I don't feel bad anymore and then somehow assume EVERY women has them done.  Until I met someone one day that is in fear of something stupid like an abnormal pap smear or simple IV and think they are a little bitch.  Not sure if this helps the situation at all.  Haha.  Anyways we are excited for the D&C and chance to move on for baby #2.  

At the store tonight I saw this toy.  Bean told me it's a baby toy.  I told him I found it in the dog aisle, and it says "pet" on it.  It's for puppies.  Then talked him into buying it.  Toys like this are for pet owners who don't have children.  Especially those that are infertile and have replaced the dog as a child.  We buy toys like this, and the Kong Puppy Binkie, so we feel semi better about the lack of child we don't have.  Dear dog, please wait at least a week before ripping its wings off.

I went on a beauty supply shopping spree the other night.  It made me feel semi better.  Today I made an appointment to get my hair done next week.

-Selbe

Why It Was Great For Me To Miscarry

I decided I'm make a list of a bunch of reasons why it was good to have a miscarriage.  This is really just to make me feel better.  I'd rather actually be holding my baby at the end of August, but that doesn't look like it is going to be happening.

Why It Was Great For Me To Miscarry

1. I get to eat feta cheese, bleu cheese and turkey sandwiches again.  (I have already taken advantage of all three of those.)
2. I am off gym restriction.  (I miss you gym!)
3. I can go skiing, snow tubing, ride roller coasters or any other extreme activity.
4. I can dye my hair blue.
5. I can pierce unmentionable parts of my body.
6. I will (eventually) stop getting nauseous.
7. (Eventually) my boobs will stop hurting.
8. My boobs will be spared the sagging and leaking that comes with PG and breastfeeding for awhile longer.  
9. I can get so drunk I can't feel my face. (In time...)
10. I can drink unlimited high caffeinated soda pop.
11. I can work past what would have been my first trimester. (High risk, bed rest possibility.)
12. My husband won't miss the birth due to work now.  (Because there won't be one!)
13. I don't have to move the 2,500+ miles across country riding in a car with something sitting on my bladder.  
14. I don't have to be PG in the summer.  (I hear that sucks.)
15. I can re-start allergy shots.  
16. I can lift heavy things again.
17. Pap smear, and hopefully nothing more.
18. I can have sex again!  (Sex restriction sucks too, all this time making a baby to actually get PG and not be able to have sex!  Fear no more, I have another baby to make.) 

And then...

Great Things About Having a D&C

1. The surgery center gives out a free pair of these amazing soft socks every time I go there.
2. The center has diet ginger ale.
3. Said ginger ale & sock cost my insurance about $10k because that is what they are billed from the RE, anesthesiologist and center.
4. This will be my third time there since October.
5. I wake up, go to the center, get put out, wake up, go home, fall asleep.  I get to catch up on sleep.
6. I get a day off work.
7. I get my period without Provera.
8. Husband is also excited for his day off work.  (Though I'm sure he wishes he was doing something more fun than watching me sleep.)
9. I don't have to be in a lot of pain or see my baby come out my vagina.
10. This should be simple compared to the lap surgery because they are not cutting into my stomach or filling my abdomen with gas this time. (Though not like lap surgery was that bad.)
11. I get more pain meds that I can sell to make more money to pay for infertility treatment.  (OK that's a lie, but it did come to mind.)
12. I get another IV in my arm and watch my husband squirm.  I call him a baby in front of all the nurses.  Then realize why women delivery babies, not men!
13. More hospital bracelets for the baby book. (Another infertile women mentioned to me putting all her bracelets in the book, not just the one from the delivery.  They were all about "making the baby".  I could fill a whole page of these bracelets now.)
14. It's scheduled the day after my 27th birthday, so now I'll forever know the date of this surgery when I'm filling out my medical history each time I go to a new doctor. (My first LEEP was Valentines Day 2005, still remember the date to this day.)
15. I really like those socks.

We are taking full advantage of no sex restriction this week.  I told Bean we need to get going because I'm ovulating.  He questions that  considering I am still PG so I tell him to go Google it.  But by then I already have my clothes off.  End of story.  Yes I lie and tell my husband I'm ovulating, even when I'm not, so he'll have sex with me.

And my last U/S is January 24th, my birthday is January 25th, and my D&C is January 26th.  I'm forward to this amazing week!  This is EXACTLY what I wanted for my birthday!  Please send me cute stuff and booze!

-Selbe

Third Ultrasound

Friday I measured 5w6d and baby had a heart rate of 86bpm.  

Today I measured 5w6d with 70bpm.

I would have been 8w3d today.  My baby grew zero in 4 days.  The baby's heart is slowing down.  RE has close to zero hope for it.

I have another U/S on 1/24.  As long as the heart stops by then and I don't MC naturally then my D&C is scheduled for 1/26.  If not 2/9.  I'll be put out for it so I'll be happy to not be in anymore pain or see any more than I want to.

I knew looking at the U/S right away the baby had passed or stopped growing.  It looked exactly the same as the other day.  I saw the heart blinking but knew it was flashing at a slower rate.  The RE grabbed my wrist and check my own heart rate against the baby and found mine faster where it should be the other way around.

RE said since my yolk sac was large and baby small that the baby had a chromosomal abnormality.  I guess my yolk sac keep going to feed my 8 week old embryo that never made it that far.  

-Selbe

Future

Tomorrow morning is my next U/S with my RE.  I can't say I'm looking forward to it really, but I am eager to see the results.  I don't know if I want to see the screen or have them turn it away from the start.  I know from the second they put the wand in I'll know something is very different, or exactly the same as Friday.  I'll automatically see it blinking or not (heart).  I'll know without them even saying a word that my baby is gone.  Maybe it will be better that way.  Even though I feel this baby is already gone I want to find out the truth.  But right now there is a tiny chance I am still PG with a healthy baby in there, but after the U/S I'll know 100% for sure.  

I really just want to move on.  I don't feel like I can actually move on 'til it is physically out of me.  But when will that be?  When my body naturally decided, 'til the RE can schedule me for an D&C?  It could be days, or weeks.  I want it out NOW.  I want to move on now.  

Bean and I have thought of some things we could change for the next PG.

Future

Trying again:

• Both of us have decided we want to try again soon after this MC ends.
• Since this PG resulted from Vitex, Softcups and Preseed we are going to try that mixture again.
• If for some reason my Vitex has stopped working I will move to injectables in the next few months.
• My progesterone looked good each time I went in, so they said.  I don't think I'll need a progesterone supplement.
• My husband is scheduled to be gone long periods of time over the next couple years.  We might move to IUI with his frozen sperm so I don't have to give up all together during this time.
• I don't want to give up on this dream.

What I regret from this PG:

• I'm not upset I told people close to me.  It has actually helped me so I don't feel totally alone.  And having my coworkers know about the PG and now MC makes them understand why I haven't been there much this week and that I'm not a total flake.
• Being happy.  I'm so upset I wasted so much time and energy feeling happy after the TTC journey.  I have nothing to show for it.  Next time I'm going to ignore the PG (well not ignore ignore to the point of drinking alcohol & not taking vitamins) but put less happiness into it at first.  Till 20 weeks or 24.  But then I feel I'll miss part of it.  I don't know where I'm going with this.  I'm just angry I was so fucking happy for nothing. 
• Not having more photos or physical items to hold onto.  Then again there isn't too much you can collect in 3 weeks.  Maybe I'll get a babies first Christmas ornament for 2012 or something.  
• Buying things.  This goes with being happy and excited.  I'm not really too upset I bought some clothes.  I've always had a baby bin in the basement I toss things in.  And I'm a military wife so there is always some newly married youngest having a baby shower that I'm invited to.  I'll just give the stuff I don't absolutely love to them.  (I fucking hate baby showers.  Everyone always woos over the mum-to-be & I'm made to play that stupid don't say baby game.  I'm too bitter at most of them that I don't say much so I do pretty well at the game.)  
• Wasting my time researching products.  Although I know pretty much all the products I want for my newborn baby I am still unsure the actually brand and models (like carseat).  So I decided each week of my PG I would pick a product and research the best brands and features I want.  This week it was cloth diapers, and I narrowed it down to a couple brand.  Though now my research has changed from that to different types of abortions to have done.

Things I'll do different next time:

• Drink more water.
• Maybe more vegetables, though I don't eat that unhealthy anyways.
• Omega supplement I was suposed to look into but never got around to.
• Stop Vitex post O.  Though I don't think that will make much difference.
• Gym:  Probably nothing different there since I got put on restriction at 6 weeks.  I wish I had a healthy baby/reproductive system and could still work out light during my PG.  So many women don't do anything at all and I actually want to and can't.
• Notify work early early on just how high risk I really am.

Medical:

• Beta hCG BW I had done early on.  My numbers were amazing, like super amazing.  A 35 hour doubling time each time that set me up for a healthy pregnancy.  Except it didn't.  I don't want my beta done next time.  If those numbers mean MC then no number I ever get will be good enough.  I'd just rather not know.  Bean is on the fence since they tell if the PG is ectopic, which is still a risk for future PG.  Maybe I'll just have the nurse tell me "good" or "bad" instead of a number.
• Ultrasounds.  Bean says no more 'til much later on since they are just too painful.  I am still on the fence.

-Selbe

Cervical Stenosis

Source

No new news.  I thought after I started spotting last night that would be the end.  I feared waking up this morning.  But since it has been all day and no spotting or cramping at all.  I did take a pregnancy test (like I mentioned before I have about 100 of them under my bathroom sink because they come with every OPK I order).  The line is now lighter than the control. :(  Meaning my hCG levels are dropping.  I think this baby is gone.  

I thought I would mention why I am all for D&C from my last post.  This is a TMI post, warning now.  I have Cervical Stenosis.  When I was 19 I developed Cervical Dysplasia, abnormal cell growth on my cervix.  It is what is between normal cell growth and cancer, sometimes called pre-cancer.  I had a LEEP to remove these cells.  A LEEP is great because it is the most effective treatment of all the ones out there for dysplasia.  Most people only need one to get rid of the cells, except if you are unlucky.  When I was 24 my dysplasia came back and I went for my second LEEP.  This one didn't go over so well.  

I noticed the few times I did get my period I was in extreme pain.  I'd bleed red for a day, then brown.  It was followed by extreme cramps.  Eventually I would start bleeding red again with tons of clots, but the pain would go away.  One time I remember the pain being so bad I could barely walk but my husband forced me to.  All of a sudden my pants felt so warm and wet.  I thought I peed only to go into the bathroom and find tons of blood.

I mentioned this to my past OBGYN and she passed me off like some other crazy women complaining about mild cramps.  Then in a pap smear she couldn't find my cervix.  When she finially did she mentioned it was very scarred.  

Over the next year I learned I have a condition called Cervical Stenosis.  This is a very rare risk to having a LEEP (or two) done.  My cervix is mainly scar tissue now.  Like most scar tissue it is much tougher than the original.  The opening in my cervix is very narrow.  

When I get my period and it starts to clot then my cervix "clogs" and doesn't allow anything to pass, so my flow up stops.  But my uterus is still going, it cramps more and more causing extreme presure.  Eventually the "flood gates" open and all is well again.

Also many procedures where tubes are inserted past my cervix are painful.  Last September my HSG got canceled after the RE could not insert the small tube into my uterus.

I'm assuming a 6 week old embryo and everything that goes with it is larger than the standard clot.  I'm worried my cervix will not know to dilate, or do anything to let this thing pass easily.  I'm worried about the pain.  I'd rather be knocked out and have a D&C.  I'm going to talk to the RE when I go in for Tuesday's u/s.

-Selbe

Might Be the End?

The rest of today my insides haven't felt right.  There is a lot of pulling.  Burning that feels like is coming from my clit but probably something behind it.  Through dinner I had sharp pains in my lower abdomen, every 30 seconds but sometimes a few minutes in between.  I went to the bathroom and everything felt so heavy and low.  It feels like the pressure I get when I have to poop, but not poop, something more in the front.  That probably makes no sense.  But there is something wrong.  I'm 90% sure these are not normal pregnancy symptoms.   

I went to check my cervix again.  Bright red blood.  I think this is the end.

I don't want it to end this way.  I want a D&C under general anesthesia.  I don't want to miscarry on my own or with the pills.  I don't want to go through the physical pain of it passing.  I hear women say all the time how painful it is.  I'm strong, I have a high tolerance for pain.  But with my cervical stenosis it makes even a heavy AF painful.  How am I going to get the baby through my very scarred cervix?  I'm going to have to see the baby, in my underwear, on the tolilet paper, or in the toilet.  This is NOT the way I imagined seeing my baby for the first time.  What do I do with the baby after?  Do I just flush it?  I wanted to be put out for this.  I didn't want to have to deal with the physical pain or seeing the baby.  I've already done enough. 

I told Bean if I become in too much pain to bring me to the local ER.  They can deal with me, ether by drugging me up or telling me to suck it up and go home.   

-Selbe

Second Ultrasound - Part 2

... Continuation of Part 1

Bean asked me a few times on the way home if I wanted something to eat.  I kept saying I wasn't hungry.

I said I wanted to go car shopping so we drove to the dealership.  There is nothing wrong with my car.  But my favorite car ever got totaled last spring after someone drove me off the road.  We got the same car but newer and a convertible (original was a hatchback).  There were some problems from the start and I never really fell in love with the new one like I did the old.  Also the backseat doesn't fold down, the truck is tiny and the back window is so small that it lets little light in (because the convertible motor takes up much more room).  Grocery shopping for more than three bags is a pain, let alone anything larger.  My puppy still rides on my passenger seat, thankfully each time he is under the weight to set the "need a seatbelt" alarm off, though I know this will not last forever.  It is too much of a pain to put him in the backset.  While bringing him to puppy class last week I passed a car just like my old one and realized I missed it.  I didn't mention anything to Bean, didn't want to be one of those bitchy PG women, plus he has already heard it all.  This seemed like a great idea now to go car shopping.  It got me to stop crying.  I found a car I love at the dealership but what they are asking for my trade-in seems a bit low.  It was a used car I bought from them last April and they are now offering me 2/3 of the price.  I hate that dealership anyways after everything that happened.  We are going to look around more.  Least I was in such a horrible mood that I told them right to their face their offer was crap instead of just dealing.  I think this might be the preferred time to go car shopping now.

As we were driving home the nurse from the RE called with my next u/s appointment.  This is the appointment to make sure the heart has stopped before aborting my baby, if my body hasn't already done it before then.  They told me 1/24 for the appointment, in a week and a half!  I got angry.  (The 1/25 is also my birthday, crappy gift, dead baby.)  I told them if this thing dies I don't want to carry it around for longer than I have to.   She mentioned something about "time to grow" and finally agreed to make 1/17 the next u/s instead.  What women wants to walk around with their dead baby inside of them?  I want it out ASAP.

I began crying again.

I also began crying for one of my pets who is very sick right now.  I mentioned awhile ago he has terminal cancer.  There is nothing saving him, just stalling.  He's gone downhill a lot in the last month and since I got PG I was thinking it is time to put him down.  I felt one life ending (Munchlet), a new one beginning (the baby).  Especially after I thought I would hear the good news after this u/s.  Now I don't want to put him down, I don't want to lose two things at once.  I can't control what is happening to this baby, but I can try and save Munchlet.  I don't want to murder him too.

My head really hurt, I fell asleep for a short period of time and woke up to this same nightmare.  

Bean and I went out to the store.  I saw the maternity section but instead ignored it and went for the swim suits.  I bought one of those instead, even though I didn't need it.  If anything I would "need" a cute swim suit over maternity clothes this summer.  That and I brought out my "I'm skinny, you're fat, sucks to be you" attitude.  We passed some baby and child things, I looked the other way or down at the floor like they didn't exist.  When I got back to my car I wasn't able to open the door due to the car next to me having it's door WIDE open due to the young 19-ish mum in the backseat slowly unbuckling her child.  I waited a few second and then got angry.  Why should I have to wait, like I am below them?  I began to close their door so I could get by and open mine.  Mum nor baby were not out of the car yet, just sitting back there, so not like I closed it on ether of them.  I climbed in my car, slammed the door while giving them a dirty look.  Then mentioned to Bean about them as "rude" and "needing to use birth control."  This was uncalled for, but after today I was pissed.

I went and bought some new bras at the mall.  My boobs are still really sore, but I refuse to admit it is because I'm still PG.  Maybe I just need new bras.  I kept looking at my nipples in the mirror as I was trying the bras on.  My areolas are much larger, and slightly darker.  I hate this.  I would be happy if this was to feed my child come late August, but it doesn't look this way.  I can't wait for my nipples to return to normal and my breast become less sore.  I just want things to return to normal.

We drove around for a bit before I decided to eat at 10pm (hadn't eaten since before the u/s at 7am).  I became nauseous and we went home.  I woke up at 4am and began to vomit.  There wasn't much in my stomach so I only got a little up, rest was dry heaves.  Not sure if this is morning sickness or because I'm so upset.  But morning sickness has a crappy time of showing up now (I've been nauseous all week).  I haven't eaten anything yet today though.

This morning there was a lot more pulling and burning on my cervix.  Not sure what that is, dilation?  I reached up and touch it.  Yellow discharge and soft now.

I made it almost all the way to work before I started crying.  They are letting me have the next few days off.

I am sorry I am not very positive or optimistic.  There could be a small chance this thing could start growing quicker, and the heart get stronger.  But I'd rather prepare for the worst.  

-Selbe

Second Ultrasound - Part 1

I started this blog early last March after we really started trying.  Before then we didn't use any birth control or condoms and thought we'd get PG, you know just of like everyone else does.  Then I really wanted was a pregnancy blog.  Even picked out a name for it and a template.  I thought I would get to use it soon, but got impatient of waiting and just started a journey to pregnancy blog instead.  I'm sure it wouldn't be long, a couple months.  Unfortunately it has been almost a year later, I've forgotten the name I picked out and this blog has been far from the rainbows a PG one would have been.  But I will continue with the blog because it is a story.  Hopefully someday they'll be a "happily ever after" but it is not going to be today.  I need to share my story because there are so many other women going through the same thing.  

Bean got the morning off work yesterday to drive me to my ultrasound appointment.  I originally told him he didn't need to go.  We headed there very happy, we should see the baby and heartbeat.  My PG symptoms became a lot worse this week so I'm sure the baby was fine.  

We went in the u/s room, I emptied my bladder, undressed and the tech started with the scan.  I could tell it had grown.  The yolk sac was much more visible.  She zoomed in and we saw something attached to it, and blinking.  My baby and its heartbeat!  She did a measurement of the baby and it came up 5w6d.  That's odd, I'm 7w6d.  Maybe they measured it wrong.  She recorded its heartbeat and it came out 86bpm.  Tech said that was really low and measured it again and again while I held my breath.  She wasn't able to get a number much higher but said maybe it just started up.  She printed out some photos, left and we waiting for the RE (not one I normally see or have ever met before) to come in.  I was happy.  There was a baby now, and it was alive with a heart! 

7 weeks 6 days measuring 5 weeks 6 days

The RE came in.  She said I'm very far behind, that it hasn't grown enough since the last u/s, and it's heartbeat is very weak.  She said they is something wrong with it, that I will most likely MC soon, and this will probably be the last time I see the heartbeat.  

My baby is going to die?  Tears began rolling down my face.

After that the tears just kept coming.  I didn't pay much attention.  She talked about how this was a case of abnormal chromosomes.  The baby wouldn't survive out of my body and this was the way it was ending its life now.  It wasn't my fault.  And that we were lucky that now we know my body can carry a baby.

None of those things helped.

I don't care how abnormal chromosomes growth is "common", "normal" or "happens frequently".  I'm infertile.  I did my time with the drugs, and procedures, the surgery.  All the other women have done their time with IUI or IVF.  We are not just women that get PG on accident or after a month or two of trying.  We should opt-out of this, but we don't.  

It wasn't my fault is a joke to tell anyone who has had a loss.  Honestly I did everything right, I'm watched people do a lot worse in their PG and deliver healthy babies.  But I'm still going to believe I did something wrong.  I think any sane person would.

And I am far from "lucky".  I'm the same infertile I've always been.  I don't see how making it to a whole 6 weeks is lucky.  What about the other 34?

They left us in the room crying for awhile before I got up and said I just wanted to go home.  I didn't say much on the way home, just looked out the window with tears rolling down my face.  Finally before mentioning I really had to pee (story of my life right now.)  I went into some random gas station bathroom with tears in my eyes.  Then back out to the car in the same fashion.

I added a video I record off the monitor.  The flashing and wiggling thing is the baby and heartbeat.

Continue to Part 2...

-Selbe

Not What I Hoped

Good: 
Baby is now visible.
Baby has a heartbeat.

Bad: 
The heartbeat is only 86.
Baby measures 5w6d when I am 7w6d.
Baby is too far behind.
Baby only did 6 days of growth in 10 days.

RE is not optimistic. She said there is something wrong with it and I'll 90% miscarry. I have another u/s next week. RE said this is probably the last time we'll see the heart beating. After my next u/s and the heartbeat had stopped and I haven't miscarried naturally then they will abort it. Ether pills or D&C (preferred option).

Ultrasound in the Morning

OBGYN - I never called them back.

RE - I go in tomorrow morning (7 weeks, 6 days) for another u/s (probably instead of the one that was scheduled for next Tuesday).  My RE has offices all over New England, including about a half hour from here right next down the road from my work.  Very convenient!  Except some days, like tomorrow, no one is in that office and I'm sent to the main office instead.  In a different state, a little over an hour from here.  I hate the drive, it's right outside of Boston.  But I suck it up.  And on the way back I pass one of the few Sonic restaurants in all of New England, you know the rest of the story.  

Best Case Scenario - They find a baby (or two) that actually looks 7 or 8 weeks and has heartbeat.  

Worst Case Scenario - They find the same thing they saw two weeks ago, just the 5 week sac.

Still no cramping though.  I figure I'd be in extreme pain if my body was trying to export a baby due to my cervical stenosis.  Even simple period clots are made extremely painful with this.  I don't see anything anymore when I wipe (brown or red), and nothing on the pantyliner.  Just when I check my cervix (which is still high and hard today).

-Selbe

Update

OBGYN told me to call back in an hour if the bleeding gets heavier, or I'm in pain.  So they can get me in for an appointment and u/s today.

RE has yet to call me back.  Monitoring hour (u/s and bw) ended for the day a couple hours ago.

The bright red has started changing to a dark brown.  It hasn't become heavier.  And I'm not cramping.  But it is still more brown than last time.  So even though it has been an hour I never called the OB back.  Going to wait it out a little longer.  

I called out of work today, first time at this jobs.  I figured I'd get sent to the OB, RE or ER.  That and it is not good for me to be standing and walking around for the next six hours.  We are in the middle of a snow storm, just a little one though, I think only 3" out there so far.  I'm going to spend the rest of the day in bed or on the couch.  

-Selbe

Bright Red

Lots of bright red this morning. :(  Calling the doctor when they open in a few minutes to see what they'll do with me.

-Selbe

7 wks, 5 days

7 Weeks

7 Weeks

Symptoms:  

• Exhausted - Not too bad this week.  Caught up on a lot of sleep because I had less hours at work.  Every once and awhile I start to fade fast.  Once I lay down I'm out like a light in a deep sleep.  This is the best sleep I've gotten in a long time.  I <3 being knocked up!
• Nausea - Short bouts of nausea before I eat (when I'm really hungry) or after I'm full.  After throwing up on birth control all those times, and my constant nausea on Clomid I thought for sure I'd be signed up for the worst morning sickness ever. My body seems to hate hormone changes.  Maybe it's delayed, or I'll just be lucky.  I did get really nauseous to the point I was going to throw up at work the other day.  I took my prenatals on what I thought was a full stomach.  Maybe my stomach emptied a lot quicker than I thought.  I found a piece of candy in my pocket and started sucking on that. 
• Boobs - Worst week so far.  Super sore for several days now.  Most days I just wear a sports bra since they are comfy & keep everything tucked in.  Only thing is my bras are not padded & my nipples are like hard gumdrops (Bean & I came up with this term after building gingerbread houses).  I can feel them through my shirt & wonder if others can see them too.  One night this week I went to bed without a bra on (I really like to sleep naked).  I woke up a couple hours later and put a sports bra on because I was in so much pain.  I couldn't stand them being squished & flopping around anymore.  
• Uterus - It cramped and "pulls" sometimes.  Usually after being bent over for awhile (like at puppy class when I'm on the ground trying to get the dog to do something other than chase other puppies & lick the ground.)  Maybe I'm "squishing" the baby.
• Bleeding - Some brown discharge off & on.  Not much.  I try not to worry about it, there is no pain that comes with it.  It's been about a week now & hasn't changed to red.
• Frequent Urination - Same as before.
• Nose - Still bloody.  Sometimes when I blow it it looks like I have a bloody nose, but I've never had one ever in my life.  (This is normal in PG since blood vessels expand, same goes for bloody gums.)
• Back - Still in pain, especially after long hours at work.  More middle back this week.
• Appetite - Always hungry.  But even eating extra I haven't gained any weight.  So it has to going somewhere.
• Digestion - Ether comes out too quick or not at all.  I find my lactose intolerance is worse now.  Lots of gas.
• Heartburn - Nothing.  Even coming from a family that has a lot of acid reflux I have never had heartburn in my life.
• Increased Sense of Smell - Nothing too bad.  Tuna kind of stinks.
• Dizziness - It has returned from my 2ww.

How far along?   7 weeks, 1 day

Size of baby:   1/4 in., or size of Tic Tac

Boy or Girl?   Bean & I both want a girl.  I "feel" a boy though.  He still keeps saying girl.

What baby is doing this week:  Growing legs, arms & lungs.

Best moment this week?  See "something" on u/s #1.

Meds?  GNC or Gummy Prenatals, depending on the day.

Milestones:  Making it to 7 weeks, not bleeding red.
Biggest Worries:  #1 Miscarriage.  #2 Cervix failing & needing cervical clerage and/or bed rest.  #3 Moving to the other side of the country without a place to live.  #4 Good chance my husband will miss the birth due to his new job.
Food cravings?   Nothing.  I do request foods with more flavor.  I'm more open to eating things I wouldn't normally, & leftovers.  Baby likes pasta & chocolate. :)

Food Aversions?  Chicken, thought of it kind of sounds gross, along with the sight.  Maybe if you hide it in breading?

What I miss?   Maybe feta cheese?

Emotions:   I haven't been on an emotional roller coaster.  No anger, no crying over TV commercials.  I do worry a lot though.

Books Reading:  the Pregnancy Instruction Manual - Sarah Jordan & David Ufberg 

Exercise:  Restriction until further notice.

Baby Stuff Purchased:  Another set of onesie on clearance at work.  Looked at the video baby monitors.

What happened this week?  Bean had his 32nd birthday today.

-Selbe