To My 16-Year-Old Self

My history with irregular periods has been a long one.  Most of the time I've just been pushed around by doctors telling me it was normal.  Being young I just accepted it.  But what if I could go back in time?

I got my first period when I was 11.  They were every month after that, pretty regular.  Not in the sense of every X number of days, but enough for me to at least tell the week it was coming in.  This is common for a teenage so I never thought much of it.

When I was 16 I missed a period, but then I got it the following month.  I wasn't sexually active at the time so being pregnant never crossed my mind.  I heard skipping a month here and there was normal. 

A few months later I skipped another month.  Then I skipped two months in a row.  I was 17 and had my first pregnancy panic attack.  My boyfriend ALWAYS used a condom.  Sorry I'm not as stupid as the girls on 16 & Pregnant, then again the punishment my father would have given me would be far worse than getting my own TV show.  But condoms do have a failure rate.  After 90 days I did get my period again.  

Over time it became less of skipping a month and more of just long periods of time.  Being able to approximate the week I was going to get my period in was long gone.  It was replaced with not even being able to tell what month I'd get it in.  Friends, even myself from time to time thought that was great. 

My mum was out of the picture most of the time, and I just lived with my father.  I was embarrassed to go to an OBGYN and in the early 2000's I began surfing the internet for anwsers.  I learned I would be described as oligomenorrhea, but why did I have this?  Was I stressed?  No.  Was I underweight?  Maybe, at the time I was 5'1" and 105 lbs.  The one condition that kept coming back to me in search engines was PCOS.

I went to Planned Parenthood at age 18 and they put me on birth control pills to fix this problem.  It worked but I kept throwing them up.  No one realized that I was estrogen dominance and they were giving me pill with high levels of estrogen in it.  They lead to even higher levels of estrogen in my body and a lot of time spent over the toilet.  The only thing that regulated my periods and I didn't get sick from was Depo-Provera.  And when I say regulate I mean it stopped my periods all together, for years.

Over the years I mentioned my problem to many family practices, Planned Parenthood and OBGYN.  Some didn't want to bother with testing or told me I'd outgrow it.  Sure maybe I'd have a little be harder time getting pregnant, but I'm not infertile.

It wasn't 'til Fall of 2010 when I heard that not all women ovulate.  I was one of them.  It's wasn't 'til Spring of 2011 that I was told I have mild PCOS because my periods are irregular.  Then Fall of 2011 again told I have PCOS because my irregular cycles.  Then Spring of 2012 before they found cysts and high testosterone.

It took eleven years and over eight doctors to come to the conclusion that I have PCOS, something I told them all along.

Advise to my 16 year old self:

1. You're not going to outgrow it
2. Do your research
3. Birth control has evil side effects
4. Depo doesn't cure PCOS, nor does BCP, it hides it
5. Don't waste your money with BC or condoms for contraception, you're already infertile, you don't need them
6. Temping your cycles is a waste of time at predicting when your period will come if you don't ovulate
7. Be way more of a bitch than you think you need to be
8. Don't listen to some idiot doctor tell you there is no cure or no need to know if you have something or not
9. If one doctor will not listen then move onto another one

I don't really like country music.  But I found this video awhile ago and thought I'd share.

-Selbe

My Doctor is an Asshole

IUI for June, and probably July, canceled.  After a few phone calls my day became pretty lousy.

I started spotting last Thursday right before my RE appointment.  Appointment went well and I was given the impression that when CD1 hit that I would call up and start Clomid CD3.  They even gave me all the paperwork with instructions on what number to call, when to take it, and what CD my other appointments would be on.  

The RE quickly mentioned about seeing a high risk OBGYN at some point.  She NEVER mentioned it was required to start CD3 Clomid.

I thought we were all set for the IUI.  Since I was spotting I assumed that would be sometime soon.

I normally spot before AF.  Usually just a few hours or a day.  Then it becomes heavy so nothing new there.  But I spotted all of Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Yesterday it stopped and nothing today ether.  That's weird for me.  I have never spotted for that long and then nothing.  The heaviest flow I got was maybe to fill a quarter size spot on pantiliner.  That's after wearing it all day.

I got concerned and called up the nurses line this morning.  This was first day they were open after the long weekend.  I had one simple question.  I spotted for four days then nothing.  Should I start Clomid anyways, do Provera or just keep waiting? 

The nurse told me that probably was my period.  I haven't had AF since April 1st and my lining was 15mm on last weeks ultrasound.  That was NOT my period.  She was confused by 15mm, so I said 1.5cm.  She then said, "oh you mean 1.5mm."  No fifteen, a whole fifteen millimeters!  I might be American but I do know some metric.  Trust me, 15mm lining and 60 days since my last AF means a lot more blood than a few pantiliners.  There is more in there.  

She then tells me she can't give me the Clomid or even the basic Provera until I have my first appointment with the high risk OBGYN.  Umm ok, but that's not what the doctor told me last week.

I'm told to call the appointment line to book a visit with the OBGYN.  I called it, they said they don't schedule appointments for that office by the appointment line.  Ok?  They gave me the number for information so they can give me the direct number for the OBGYN.

I called information and the operator rattled off a bunch of numbers off quick because I could write them down.  I had to ask three times.

Call number four was to the OBGYN clinic.  The start of the conversation was the basic myself telling them I need to book an appointment.  She quickly asked, "when your due date?"  I explained about the Clomid and needing a check up appointment.  She asked me when my due date was again.  Seriously?  I again explained about fertility drugs and bad cervix.  She then told me I had a wrong number and asked where I was calling.  I told her ADC (which I guess stands for high risk OBGYN, somehow).  Yup, I got the right place.  So she asked my due date again.  Then I'm put on hold while they look for my referral.

Quiet tears began running down my face.  I'm frustrated and being pushed off from office to office.  I was also lead to believe this IUI was soon rather than later.

They came back on the phone and told me the next available appointment was July 11th!  I began crying hysterically.  They won't even think about starting me on Provera 'til this appointment.  I'll be CD102 at this point.

Bean had to grab the phone and talk to them.  They were able to get me in June 26th but that's the best they could do.

I was stuck, what am I going to do?

Bean left a message at the RE letting them know how unhappy we were about the treatment.

I called up a little while later and the nurse still said no Provera, no Clomid, no IUI 'til I have the appointment on the 26th.  They are still discussing it with the doctor.  

First off, they NEVER said the appointment with the high risk OBGYN was required before starting fertility treatment.  They have never even seen my cervix in person, only what the last RE made notes of.  I discussed it the cervical cerclage with my last RE and OBGYN.  They told me it MIGHT be needed.  And the OBGYN said they wouldn't even be able to tell 'til an ultrasound at 12 weeks.  I'm not even PG, I don't see the point in rushing me off to an OBGYN now.  And if it is such an urgent matter then why is the next appointment six weeks away?

The nurse began telling Bean all the things that could happen if my cervix fails.  I could miscarry or do into labour early.  Then all the health problems the baby would have if born at X number of weeks.  I would have deal with those thing alone while my husband was deployed.  How would I deal with a dead or blind baby?  

This has gone too far.  I called up for one simple question and I got this.  If I didn't worry about PG before, I do now.  

I cried off and on for hours after this.

I have Provera left over from before that I started taking tonight.  I mentioned last September how I save medication because I don't trust doctors.  Odd that!  I don't know what else to do.  I can't move on with the Clomid even if I have AF or not.  But I also can't sit here without AF for much longer.  The surgery in October showed the abrasions in my uterus from holding onto the lining for too long.  Plus the heavy flow with clotting can be painful.  It's just not healthy sitting around doing nothing.  I'm sorry for going behind the doctor's back and "prescribing" it to myself.  But I asked for the drug nicely and I know what's best for myself.  

After my high risk OBGYN on June 26th I then had to make another appointment with the RE about three weeks after that.  If this is the case I'm going to ask for Gonal-F instead of Clomid.  It's what my other RE wanted and I have no faith in Clomid anymore.   

Since it looks like no Clomid or IUI this cycle I went to the vitamin store and stocked up on herbs that are supposed to be good for fertility.  The list to balance out my hormones:

• Vitex 1200mg daily - I've been taking this since September.  Though it worked before it has since stoppe since my MC.  But at this point I have nothing left to loss.
• Dong Quai 1130mg daily
• Maca 300mg daily 
• Red Clover Blossom 800mg daily
• Milk Thistle 175mg daily

To induce my period:

• Provera 10mg daily
• Vitamin C 6000mg daily

-Selbe

RE Appointment 5/24

My appointment went good today.  We did get lost when we first arrived.  I asked the little Korean lady at the information desk where to go but she didn't know where the "fertility clinic" or "Reproductive Endocrinologist" was.  She gave me two options.  First being the OBGYN on the third floor, for pregnancy tests, pregnancy and giving birth.  No, that's not me.  Plus when I made my appointment I was told me ground floor or lower level.  The second option was the OBGYN on the ground floor.   Hmm, I don't think that is me, but it could be?  I walk down to the OBGYN clinic and as soon as I walked in the door I notice the waiting room full and there are tons of newborns and babies everywhere.  Fuck!  I really hope this isn't the place.  Sure enough he sends me a door down to the actual fertility clinic.  This waiting room just had a couple waiting alone and a few women.  Much more my taste.

Basic Appointment Testing

Source

• Medical History - They didn't seem to care about the records that have yet to arrive.  Just asked me questions.
• Ultrasound
• Uterine Lining - Measured 15mm, too thick.  Obviously it's been some time since AF.
• Ovaries - I've never had cysts before, at least they haven't been found.  She showed me the left ovary, covered in small cysts.  Then scanned to the right ovary, also covered in cysts.  It's nickname is Ring of Pearls.  Yup, the classic PCOS cysts.
• Blood Work - I go for that tomorrow morning.  I'm having glucose done along with a few other thing, mostly stuff I've had done in the past.
• Semen Analysis - She's a little worried about Bean's low results in the past.  I'm not too concerned, they could be worse & I seen PG with less.  They are not bad enough to send us to an Urologist.

Dr. C told me there is overweight PCOS and skinny PCOS.  I have skinny PCOS.  Even with my anovulation and cysts I still don't look PCOS.  Which is probably why I've made it so long without a diagnosis.  I'm not overweight enough and I don't have thinning hair, hair in strange places or darkening of the skin.  She also said no amount of weight loss will make my PCOS better.  Though I don't like to make excuses nor am I lazy, this is something I have thought about from time to time due to the fact that my problems began when I was 16 and underweight at the time.  I actually wasn't allowed to donate blood in high school because I didn't weigh enough.  If I see the same problems at a BMI of 18 and a BMI of 29, weight probably it's related to it.  

Cervix

The description of the my cervix from the RE looks bad.  I guess most of it is gone and it's very short.  I am at a great risk for cervical incompetence and a cervical cerclage is most likely going to be needed.  This also comes with bed rest.  This scares me because I am a military wife without family in the area and very few friends.  I will have to figure out a plan once I get pregnant.  This also isn't new news to me so no surprise about the cerclage.  

She is having me met with the high risk OBGYN even before pregnancy is achieved so I know what to expect.

Overall

Even with my failing cervix, my polycystic ovaries and Bean's 23 million sperm count we are ready to move forward with IUI.

Move to IUI

I began spotting this morning, randomly without any cramping.  Not sure if this is AF, but if it is then tomorrow or the following day should be CD1.

I need to have a beta PG test done to make sure I'm not PG.  This part really doesn't seem necessary.

On CD3 I'll start Clomid 50mg for five days.  I'm not a fan of Clomid, I didn't ovulate at 150mg, let along 50mg.  My five rounds of Clomid before were unmonitored they don't know how I responded to it, other than not releasing eggs.  This time I will have ultrasounds to show the number of eggs and their sizes, along with the trigger shot to manually release them when they are ready (vs waiting for if/when my body to do it).  So I guess it's better, but I still don't like Clomid.  I've just already been down the road before and see no hope there.  

Around CD12 I'll have my first ultrasound to check the size of my follicles.  Possibly a few ultrasounds after that until my follicles are large enough.

I'll be given the Ovidrel trigger shot.

Following that will be my IUI with Bean's fresh or frozen sperm, depending on if he is home or not.  If it is fresh sperm and Monday-Friday then I'll go to Tacoma, if it's frozen or fresh on Saturday or Sunday then I'll go to Seattle.  

Next Tuesday we drive to Seattle to "drop off" some sperm to be frozen. 

Cost 

Clomid & Ovidrel are covered by my insurance, along with any blood work or ultrasounds.

The IUI is $200 for the sperm washing and inseminating me.

Freezing sperm and keeping it frozen is $250 for the first three months, then $125 every three months after that.  

This is a pretty good deal.  There is about a 20-25% chance of it working each cycle.

I'm also on the list for IVF.  It's about a year wait and costs $6000.

-Selbe

Appointment 5/17

Annually Pap Smear

This was yesterday, pretty routine.  With years of cervical dysplasia and infertility I'm no longer afraid of spread my legs to strangers.  In fact I get a little confused when I have an RE or OBGYN visit and they don't have me undress.  (But don't you want to see my vajayjay?)

I don't really care about the results.  If it's normal, great.  If it's abnormal, well I've already been down the road several times before.  

The one thing that annoys me about this facility (PCM) is they keep a record of how many pregnancies one has had.  One in my case.  But they don't keep a record of live births, losses or miscarriages, so they ask.  I guess this would not bother most fertile women because they can just say they have a healthy two year old at home. But someone like myself gets to tell them I've had a miscarriage EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Not cool.  Please just put a note in there about it, or change my number back to zero.  I loved my baby and no way do I want to say he didn't exist.  I also don't want to go over it each time I'm there.

Metformin & my PCOS

This new PCM wanted to put me on Metformin for my PCOS.  I'm all for it, I hear it makes you poop a lot other than that it can't hurt.  He said he would think about it and call me in a few hours.  

He decided no. :(  I have no note of being diagnosed with PCOS in the records.  My records haven't arrived from NH, from ether my OBGYN or RE.  I put a request on April 27th to have them transferred.  But this facility never got around to filling it 'til May 3rd, then told me yesterday when I went to check on them that it takes 4-6 weeks to be transferred.  Seriously?  Which concerns me for my appointment next week because they most likely will not be here for that.

This is not the first time Metformin has been discussed for me.  My last set of glucose blood work showed my levels were in the normal range and I am not insulin resistant.  The RE decided since I'm not insulin resistant that Met would not work for me.  Makes sense.  But I've also read online that Met might help for those that are PCOS and not insulin resistant.  I don't know, but I don't mind trying the drug if anyone of these doctors was willing to prescribe it.

To be honest I don't even know if PCOS is even in my records from the past RE.  Yes, I have oligoovulation.  I don't get my period often and most of those times I don't ovulate.  However, my ovaries are not polycystic, in six ultrasounds they have never found one cyst.  All the other symptoms could be blamed on something else.  Like my acne, that's always been bad even in my pre-teens.  I think my body is hairy but a lot of women probably do.  And I'm also German, we are known for being furry everywhere.  But it's not like I'm growing a beard or have some strange facial hair.  My head hair isn't thinning nor am I losing it.  It's super thick and grows quick.  Though I'm fat with a BMI of 29, I guess I could also blame that on my love of ice cream.  I was labeled PCOS because they couldn't figure out anything else that could cause lack of ovulation for over a decade in a 27 year old female.  If anyone has any other ideas, let me know.

Upcoming Appointment

My appointment with my new RE is this Thursday.  I'm excited for it, but also worried now because I'm medical record-less.  I really wish doctors would let me carry a copy of my own records.  This lack of paperwork now means they have no record of my five rounds of Clomid, any blood work I've had, SA, HSG, any of the U/S, or my past pregnancy.  I also worry about being turned away for being not infertile enough, records or not.  If that's the case I will have to leave the military system and go out in town to see a doctor, because there is nothing else that can be done for me if I am turned away.

I am probably worrying over nothing. 

Current Cycle

CD48.  Lots of cramping.  My breast are sore again but I'm not sure if that's from running.  I only got sick to my stomach once this week.

I'm just waiting for Thursdays appointment so I can start Provera.  

Pinterest

I found a new love of Pinterest.   I never really understood it when I signed up 6 months or so ago.  Then I bought a house and need new ideas for it.  I've made boards (groups) for baby stuff I want to do or buy whenever I get PG again.  Also made one for infertility.  Usually just graphics to be used on here one day.  You are welcome to follow me.

I found this chalkboard idea for pregnancy where women write their weekly update about the baby like what size it is in fruit terms.  Then sometimes stand next to it to show how big their bump is.  I was thinking of doing this for infertility, the weekly update part.  The bump is really just my belly fat, it isn't that interesting.

This is another example of the fun things fertile preggos get to do.  Just like this blog, which I really just wanted a PG blog to document everything.  Then decided to start the early and do a "journey to pregnancy" blog.  A year later I'm still blogging about the stupid journey and I'm not much closer to having a baby. 

Chalkboard are a lot harder to find than you thing.  I went to Wal-Mart, Office Max and then Home Depot to just buy the paint to make a chalkboard.  

-Selbe

New RE

Source

17dpo, still BFN.  No signs of AF.  No spotting, the little cramping I had is now gone and cervix is hard.  I had some pulling/sharp pain the other day.  Nausea is still there, some days getting worse.  Just trying to make sure I have small meals often and there is no meal products. 

I don't know what's wrong with me though.  Maybe I never ovulated?  Why do I feel like shit though?

I had a doctors appointment yesterday to get a referral to a new RE. With my insurance I need a referral from my PCM (primary doctor) to see an OB/GYN, RE or any speciality doctor.  I moved so that means I need to get all new referrals.  

With my nausea, missing period and sore boobs she ran a beta hCG.  She mentioned they'd call me by the end of the day if it was positive.  I guess that means they won't call if it was negative?  Yeah they didn't call.  

But that does mean I get the referral to move to another MTF (military treatment facility).  There I can start IUI, whenever they can get me in for an appointment.  

-Selbe

Good Luck State

This area is bad luck.

I didn't grow up around here.  People often ask me if I like living here.  I fucking hate it.  I don't mind the area so much, it's just that everything I touch turns to shit.  Something always goes horribly wrong.  At first I wanted to "fix" it, then realized there was no way.  I thought I'd list the bad things that have happened.

Bad:

1. I lost a lot of friends.  I moved here with a few good friends.  Something happened with one of them (that wasn't my fault) and I ended up losing the whole group of them.  They came around eventually so that was good.  But I spend a lot of time alone for awhile.  - Aug. '10
2. My husband's best friend attacked me.  I was never the same after that. - Sept. '10
3. My mum came to visit.  About 30 minutes after picking her up she fell down my stairs and broke her arm.  She ended up having to spend the night in the hospital. - Sept. '10
4. My husband missed our first anniversary and bought me a really nice camera lens to make up for it.  My Pell Grant for school decided to drop me and I had to sell the lens to make up the money. - Sept. '10
5. My ferret Munchlet got diagnosed with terminal cancer and needs surgery. - Oct. '10
6. Munchlet's surgery got canceled because he has an enlarged heart. - Dec. '10
7. I got food poisoning on Christmas day and Bean ended up having to take me to the ER. - Dec. '10
8. I cried for the first time over a negative pregnancy test. - Dec. '10
9. I got told I'm infertile. - Dec. '10
10. My husband's asshole of a friend (see #2) ruined a holiday party of me by spilling beer all over my clothes.  - Jan. '11
11. I have really bad allergies and require shots each week. - Mar. '11
12. Some asshole totaled my favorite car. - Apr. '11
13. My new car gives me tons of problems. - May '11
14. My fertility drugs stop working, for the third time. - Aug. '11
15. A really painful HSG requires Lap surgery. - Sept. '11
16. Stinker dies. - Nov. '11
17. The heartbeat on my first child stops and I need D&C surgery. - Jan. '12
18. I put Munchlet to sleep. - Feb. '12
19. D&C then requires a Hysteroscopy surgery. - Mar. '12

And then the good so I don't seem like such a pessimist.

Good:

1. I got a new couch. - Oct. '10
2. I got a new OBGYN.  - Mar. '11
3. I got a new car.  Thanks to #11 totaling it. - Apr. '11
4. Bean got a new car.  - Jun. '11
5. I got a new job and love the people I work with. - Jun. '11
6. I got a new RE.  (See #13) - Aug. '11
7. I got a dog named Loki. - Dec. '11
8. I got pregnant for the first time with a herbal drug.  (Then see #16) - Dec. '11
9. I trading my car in and dyed my hair blue thank to #16. - Jan. '12

Good Luck Necklace I Got

So outside of the materialist items I'm going to say my experience living here has been pretty crappy.  I've lost my health, my pets, and my child.  You can't simply replace those with a trip to the store.  I like my local friends around here.  But I am very happy to be leaving.  I feel like everything that could go wrong has here.  I don't know of anyways to fix it besides just getting up and leaving.

I still feel like crap!

My stomach hurts to much, usually in the morning or at night.  On an empty stomach or full one. Sometimes I just want to throw up and get everything else. This is like the two week wait symptoms I had for my pregnancy in December, but worse.  But the RE said pregnancy would be impossible since ovulation never happened at 0.5 progesterone.   I envy every preggo with morning sickness right now, least they are getting something out of it.  And the boobs still hurt.

-Selbe

Provera #3

One Year

Source

One year ago I start this blog.  Although I feel I haven't made it far in this past year, I have learned a lot. 

Last March I ditched my old OBGYN on base for one out in town.  This also ended my short time on birth control which was supposed to regulate my very irregular cycles.  I got my first ultrasound, which ended up being more awkward than anything.  I listened to the much younger than me, unmarried girl next to me be congratulated by the ultrasound techs.  She looked at me the whole time probably thinking I was pregnant just like her.  I also started my first round of Clomid that month.

In April, I realized Clomid wasn't working and took Provera to start my period again.  My Clomid dose got increased.  The OBGYN diagnosed me with minor PCOS.

In May, I actually ovulated with Clomid, but didn't get pregnant.  

In June, I get invited to a string of baby showers, one which I almost cried at.  Same story as May.

In July, my Clomid stopped working and my dose got increased for the second time.  Bean's semen analysis also came back borderline low and my blood test showed I just wasn't ovulating.

In August, I started my fifth and final round of Clomid.  I was sent to an RE after lack of response to the drug.  The RE diagnosed me with PCOS.  Bean & I also celebrated our second wedding anniversary.

In September, Bean's second semen analysis came back normal.  I replaced my Clomid with Vitex.  I had a second ultrasound which showed I was normal inside and had tons of follicles.  My blood work showed I had high estrogen.  And I learned an HSG is a lot more painful than they told me.  

In October, I went in for Laparoscopic Surgery and Hysteroscopy after they couldn't get the HSG tube past my cervix.  I also begin ovulating on my own.

In November, I gave Vitex a third try, first time trying to conceive after surgery.  RE suggested I move to injectables with TI, IUI or IVF instead.

A week before Christmas in December I learned I was pregnant.  My betas looked amazing.

In January, I began bleeding and was sent for an ultrasound where everything looked OK.  A week and half later I started bleeding again and was sent for an ultrasounds.  I saw my baby and it's heartbeat, then was told the baby is not going to make it.  After a few more ultrasounds the heart had stopped.  I had my D&C a day after my birthday.  Bean turned 32 and I turned 27 this month.

In February, I watched my beta numbers slowly head towards zero indicating I'm no longer pregnant.  

This March my beta numbers are still being watched.  I'm still waiting on my post D&C period to arrive.  And my second Hysteroscopy is booked for the end of the month.

I really hope this coming year is much better than the past.  I really hope when I update a year from now that I'm holding my new baby, or at least have one inside of me.

I don't know when I'm going to get my period again.  I've been cramping a lot lately, maybe soon?  

Honestly I feel like I don't even care anymore about being pregnant or having children.  I feel like the dream has gotten further away and even more unreachable.  To the point now I don't want to go through anymore medical procedures and spend my time tracking things.  I'm happy to move across country, move into our new house, met new people, and start my new job.  Leave my infertile self behind here.  I want to forget about this dream and have a bunch of unprotected sex for awhile.  Maybe someday the dream will come back to me.

-Selbe

My 2012 Baby

I've learned with infertility nothing ever goes as you planned it.  You can't just say you want to be pregnant now, or in the fall time, or give birth in the spring (common one of teachers so they have summer for maternity leave).  You don't get to pick.  And if something does go as planned I'm sure something else will come along to fuck it up. 

A past plan of mine with having a baby while we live here.  My husband will we home for the birth and good part of the babies first few months, at least.  And I really like my OB Dr. S.  It's hard for me to find a good doctor, I have a problem trusting a lot of them.  Great plan?  Back in July I mentioned I had to let those ideas go when I learned I ran out of time.  

Even before all this I mentioned I wanted a baby born December 22, 2012.  I'm just strange like that.  Or December 2012, or even just fucking 2012.  I like even numbers.  Years ago these date seemed far off and not a concern.  Well once again I had to admit I have run out of time.  

April 9th, 2012

That is the date I need to ovulate by to have an EDD of December 31, 2012.  Give or take some.  Looking ahead this probably will not happen.

This cycle (February) is most likely a bust and my period is due next Tuesday-ish.  Next cycle (March) I am out.  I have surgery and really can't do any baby making.  So I will be back in April.

I'm sad to be doing nothing in March but it will be a nice break.  Plus I will be back in April with clean insides.

New Goal:  Baby by 2020, or something.

I still see two lines...

All I can say is I'm glad I'm going through all this now and not in my 30's or 40's.  That would make my already problems worse.  I sometimes feel bad for the women in the RE office that are much older.  They probably hate me, looking like I'm 20 and all.  I don't blame them.  However, we are all in the same miserable spot.

Sometimes you just have to let some dreams go and move on.  It was a stupid dream anyways.

-Selbe

Recap of the Year

The positive:  I've had more cycles this year than I've had in the past eight or so.  Between my PCOS, being drugged with birth control as birth control, and being drugged with birth control to "fix" me, I average about 4 cycles a year.  Which I probably never ovulated during.  The feminine hygiene products I've had to buy this year, wow.  I usually buy a box and I'm set for a year or two.  Fuck I still have stuff in my bathroom that is 5 or 10 years old that I need to go through and throw out.   

Cycle #1 - March 16th

First cycle off birth control to regulate my cycle, not as birth control.  Last time I was on birth control as birth control... I don't remember when that was.  But I did do a shot of Depo-Provera while my husband was deployed in 2009/2010.  Then realized that was a silly idea since Bean wasn't home anyways.  It was a spur of the moment idea while I was at Planned Parenthood for something else.  After Depo wore off and I got my period Bean was home.  We didn't try at pregnancy, or really prevent it.  After a couple months I decided to try and figure out when I ovulate.  However, my cycle was 7 months long which is not uncommon for me.  After a few useless doctors visits I decided to ask my new OBGYN for Clomid, something I read about on the Internet for women like me.  Clomid 50mg it was.  CD14, CD18, CD20 came and gone with no positive OPK.  I was given Provera to end the cycle.  No ovulation. My due date for this cycle was December 23rd, 2011.

Cycle #2 -  April 24th

I'm increased to Clomid 100mg.  I got a positive OPK around CD16, but it didn't result in pregnancy.  I got my period on my own.

Cycle #3 - May 22nd

Clomid 100mg again.  Another positive OPK for CD18.  But no pregnancy.  Period again arrived on it's own.  This is better than nothing.  My due date was February 29, 2011, Leap day.  It's sad I still remember all these due dates.

Cycle #4 - June 22nd

This is going to be my month!  Clomid 100mg again.  But no positive OPKs and my progesterone results came back extremely low.  My body stopped responding to 100mg.  More Provera for me.

Cycle #5 - July 29th

Increased to 150mg.  Ovulation scheduled for during our vacation, great!  Except my body also stopped responding to 150mg also.  I'm given Provera again and sent away to an RE.  An OBGYN can no longer help these ovaries.

Cycle #6 - September 16th

Lots of testing, no real baby making.  I started a herbal drug called Vitex expecting it not to work, 'til I surprisingly got my period after 31 days.

Cycle #7 - October 17th

More Vitex but no baby making due to lap surgery during around the time of ovulation.  However I got a positive OPK and the progesterone blood work came back great.

Cycle #8 - November 16th

Decides to give Vitex some more time before moving on to injectable like RE suggested.  Results in a BFP right before Christmas with a due date for August 25th, 2012.  Baby's heartbeat was lost about a month later.  

Cycle #9 - January 26th - Current

If the ovulation date I have is correct then I should get my period on February 29th.

-Selbe

Pregnancy Checklist for Fertiles & Infertiles

On another blog recently I saw a checklist for an infertile who recently got pregnant after a miscarriage in the past.  It was pretty much her detailed list of things that needed to be accomplished before that baby could arrive. 

Before I become infertile if I had to make a list it would include things list "buy baby stuff" or "paint baby room."  I looked at this women's list and saw "maintain cardiac activity" written several times.  It didn't matter about what shade of pink the walls were, she just wanted a healthy baby.  I think sometimes we take that for granted.  

So I have a checklist for fertiles AND infertiles.  Keep in mind this is VERY bias towards infertility (hence the blog).  So don't take it to heart.  But in my eyes this is how I see the world right now.

	Infertile	Fertile
Week 1	Maybe this is my turn after waiting several years.  Maybe some more fertility drugs.  Google, buy, & try new set of products that someone told you would work to get you pregnant.	Maybe this is my turn after waiting a cycle or two.
Week 2	Lots of OPKs, more drugs, maybe IUI/IVF.	Vagina + Penis Time.
Week 3	Google every early pregnancy symptom you can think of.  Take a few HPT just in case you get an early +.	La la la...
Week 4	+HPT, have blood pregnancy test beta #1 taken, worry about miscarriage, worry about beta #2 not going up quickly enough, worry about ectopic pregnancy.  Keep taking HPTs to make sure line is getting darker.	Hmm, late period.
Week 5	First ultrasound, look for multiple babies, hope to see SOMETHING, worry about baby growing, worry about no heartbeat found, worry about miscarriage, worry beta #3 doesn't go up enough.	+HPT, announce to EVERYONE you know, including Facebook
Week 6	Second ultrasound, look for heartbeat, again worry about growing, heart, miscarriage, and find some other things to worry about.	Again make sure everyone knows. Call OBGYN, they won't see you 'til 8 or 12 weeks. :(
Week 7	Repeat week 6 for third ultrasound.  Make sure heart is still beating.  Take trip to ER because you think your spotting equals miscarriage.	Start baby shopping.
Week 8	Forth ultrasound.  Baby still alive?  Write birth plan.	La, la, la?
Week 9	You are so grateful for morning sickness.  This means my baby is healthy.	Complain to everyone how horrible you feel with morning sickness.
Week 10	Baby still alive?  Graduate to OBGYN.  This is bittersweet.  Tell OB you ovulated January 13th at 11:30AM.  Get a very confused look.	First OBGYN appointment.  Complain about something.  Maybe having to get a pap smear. Tell OB you can't remember what your LMP was.  What's LMP?
Week 11	Worry about miscarriage.  Another trip to ER.	Start thinking about baby shower.
Week 12	Baby still alive?  I love throwing up.	First ultrasound, cell phone picture of ultrasound on Facebook before I even get home.  I hate throwing up.
Week 13	Out of first trimester.  Odds of miscarriage decrease.	Happy to be throwing up less.
Week 14	Worry about cervical incompetence.	Worry who to invite to baby shower.
Week 15	Baby still alive?	Shopping?
Week 16	Yes I need maternity clothes!  Look at that bump!	Worry about getting fat & needing maternity clothes.
Week 17	Re-read baby & pregnancy book for third time.	Buy pregnancy book.
Week 18	Worry about something.	La, la, la?
Week 19	Gender ultrasound.  Is my baby OK?  Does it have all limbs and organs?	Gender ultrasound.  I really want a ____.
Week 22	Worry baby isn't moving enough.	Buy stuff.
Week 24	Chances of baby surviving out of womb are higher now, if I went into labour early.	La, la, la?
Week 25	More tests?  Yes!  Is my baby healthy?	I hate the ____ test!
Week 26	Pay off expensive fertility treatment loan.	Buy expensive baby stuff.
Week 27	I wish I could have a free baby like fertiles.	All this baby stuff is really expensive.
Week 28	I love feeling the baby kick so I know it's OK.	This baby kicking is painful.  Soccer player on the way?
Week 29	Bedrest?  Sure, as long as my baby is healthy.	Yell at the 16 year old cashier at Babies"R"Us for something stupid & you'll regret later.  Dam hormones.
Week 30	Finally take baby bin out of basement that you've been saving for the last few years.	Set up baby's room.
Week 35	Hard time sleeping, but at least my baby is healthy.	So uncomfortable.  I want this baby out of me soon.
Week 36	Maybe I should of had a baby shower.  But I always hated those things.  Nevermind, something threw me a surprise shower anyways. :/	Use few giftcards I got for baby items.
Week 37	Worry about baby being stillborn, or something wrong with it.	Worry about baby being stillborn, or something wrong with it.
Week 38	I can't wait to met my baby.	I want this baby out of me NOW.
Week 39	La, la, la.	Employ the help of your whole Facebook friends list on how to induce labor.
Week 40	La, la, la.	After a few false alarms, finally in labor & delivery.
Baby Week 1	My baby is amazing.	My baby is amazing.

-Selbe

Cervical Stenosis

Source

No new news.  I thought after I started spotting last night that would be the end.  I feared waking up this morning.  But since it has been all day and no spotting or cramping at all.  I did take a pregnancy test (like I mentioned before I have about 100 of them under my bathroom sink because they come with every OPK I order).  The line is now lighter than the control. :(  Meaning my hCG levels are dropping.  I think this baby is gone.  

I thought I would mention why I am all for D&C from my last post.  This is a TMI post, warning now.  I have Cervical Stenosis.  When I was 19 I developed Cervical Dysplasia, abnormal cell growth on my cervix.  It is what is between normal cell growth and cancer, sometimes called pre-cancer.  I had a LEEP to remove these cells.  A LEEP is great because it is the most effective treatment of all the ones out there for dysplasia.  Most people only need one to get rid of the cells, except if you are unlucky.  When I was 24 my dysplasia came back and I went for my second LEEP.  This one didn't go over so well.  

I noticed the few times I did get my period I was in extreme pain.  I'd bleed red for a day, then brown.  It was followed by extreme cramps.  Eventually I would start bleeding red again with tons of clots, but the pain would go away.  One time I remember the pain being so bad I could barely walk but my husband forced me to.  All of a sudden my pants felt so warm and wet.  I thought I peed only to go into the bathroom and find tons of blood.

I mentioned this to my past OBGYN and she passed me off like some other crazy women complaining about mild cramps.  Then in a pap smear she couldn't find my cervix.  When she finially did she mentioned it was very scarred.  

Over the next year I learned I have a condition called Cervical Stenosis.  This is a very rare risk to having a LEEP (or two) done.  My cervix is mainly scar tissue now.  Like most scar tissue it is much tougher than the original.  The opening in my cervix is very narrow.  

When I get my period and it starts to clot then my cervix "clogs" and doesn't allow anything to pass, so my flow up stops.  But my uterus is still going, it cramps more and more causing extreme presure.  Eventually the "flood gates" open and all is well again.

Also many procedures where tubes are inserted past my cervix are painful.  Last September my HSG got canceled after the RE could not insert the small tube into my uterus.

I'm assuming a 6 week old embryo and everything that goes with it is larger than the standard clot.  I'm worried my cervix will not know to dilate, or do anything to let this thing pass easily.  I'm worried about the pain.  I'd rather be knocked out and have a D&C.  I'm going to talk to the RE when I go in for Tuesday's u/s.

-Selbe

Ultrasound in the Morning

OBGYN - I never called them back.

RE - I go in tomorrow morning (7 weeks, 6 days) for another u/s (probably instead of the one that was scheduled for next Tuesday).  My RE has offices all over New England, including about a half hour from here right next down the road from my work.  Very convenient!  Except some days, like tomorrow, no one is in that office and I'm sent to the main office instead.  In a different state, a little over an hour from here.  I hate the drive, it's right outside of Boston.  But I suck it up.  And on the way back I pass one of the few Sonic restaurants in all of New England, you know the rest of the story.  

Best Case Scenario - They find a baby (or two) that actually looks 7 or 8 weeks and has heartbeat.  

Worst Case Scenario - They find the same thing they saw two weeks ago, just the 5 week sac.

Still no cramping though.  I figure I'd be in extreme pain if my body was trying to export a baby due to my cervical stenosis.  Even simple period clots are made extremely painful with this.  I don't see anything anymore when I wipe (brown or red), and nothing on the pantyliner.  Just when I check my cervix (which is still high and hard today).

-Selbe

Update

OBGYN told me to call back in an hour if the bleeding gets heavier, or I'm in pain.  So they can get me in for an appointment and u/s today.

RE has yet to call me back.  Monitoring hour (u/s and bw) ended for the day a couple hours ago.

The bright red has started changing to a dark brown.  It hasn't become heavier.  And I'm not cramping.  But it is still more brown than last time.  So even though it has been an hour I never called the OB back.  Going to wait it out a little longer.  

I called out of work today, first time at this jobs.  I figured I'd get sent to the OB, RE or ER.  That and it is not good for me to be standing and walking around for the next six hours.  We are in the middle of a snow storm, just a little one though, I think only 3" out there so far.  I'm going to spend the rest of the day in bed or on the couch.  

-Selbe

Appointments 12/21

Source 

RE

Went OK.  I just went to monitoring hour so I only see the nurse then, not the actual doctor.

They called back this afternoon to tell me my beta is 86.

OBGYN

He can't do much to check for an ectopic this early.  I need a beta of at least 2000 to see the fetus on the ultrasound and check where it's located.  He told me my beta needs to increase by 60-80% at least in 48 hours.  If it doesn't, or decreases, then there is a high chance for an ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage.  

He's happy my tube is at least open, even though it's scarred and looks like crap.

Cervix might be a problem later on.

I'm going to remain in care of my RE the next couple weeks.  It's much easier for them to do blood work and ultrasounds.  

-Selbe

RE & OB Appointments Tomorrow

My RE was able to get back to me and said my insurance will cover all testing and monitoring.  I go for my beta (blood pregnancy test) and progesterone test tomorrow morning.  

I also have my first appointment with the OBGYN tomorrow morning.

My uterus feels weird.  Like twinges, or pulling.  Or like cramps but they are not menstrual cramps.  I keep looking for AF because I'm still in shock.  My boobs still hurt, I figure they will for awhile.  Sports bras are my friend right now, even to bed.  But I don't care.  I'd rather be uncomfortable, even in some pain, and be pregnant.  Rather than not be pregnant at all.  I consider myself lucky.  

Line is slightly darker today.

My biggest fear is miscarrying.  Most of the time there isn't much one can do to prevent it.  But I know I'd be heartbroken after all this time to have my baby taken away.  I want my uterus and boobs to be uncomfortable so I know I'm still PG.

Some things to put in Daddy's box

-Selbe

4wk, 3days

August 25th, 2012

Today I started out by calling my RE.  I wasn't able to get ahold of the nurse until a few hours later.  Since I'm on a natural cycle, not a medicated one, they are unsure that they can monitor me.  If I was on Clomid, injectable or did IUI, IVF then they would monitor me up to about 12 weeks (early appointments, blood work, ultrasounds).  Then I would get sent to my old OBGYN.  They are still trying to get a hold of my insurance company about monitoring me.

I also called my PCM (primary doctor, military medical center).  They do pregnancy tests without appointments.  Oddly enough Bean had an appointment in the same building at the same time so I had to lie why I was there.  My trip to PCM was LONG:

1. I walked up to the desk and they sent me to the nurse down the hall.  
2. I had to wait about 5 minutes to get in to talk to the nurse.  
3. Talked to the nurse for 10 minutes while she took down all my infomation. 
4. I got sent downstairs to the lab to pee in a cup (I guess they don't do blood betas there?)
5. Back upstairs to spend 15 minutes in the waiting room.
6. Back to the nurse and had to wait 5 minutes to see her.
7. She started talking about the baby and eating right, blah, blah.  My response: "wait is it even positive?"  She kind of skipped over that part.
8. I listened to her talk for about 30 minutes about basic pregnancy facts.  All stuff I already knew.  And then put it all in a folder from me to take home.  
9. I filled out a survey about my medical history.  Ectopic pregnancy, STDs, abnormal paps, genetic history.  
10. I was sent back to the waiting room from 20 minutes for my PCM doctor to review it.
11. Back to the nurse and she explained the referral out to the OB.  Normal referrals take a week or two to process, then however long until the OB feel the first appointment should be.  She explains to me that I'm consider high risk and I'm going to be seen a lot sooner.  
12. Downstairs to the refferals office.  There was already someone in front of me so I went to sit in the waiting room down the hall.  I went to check every so often and then to find out someone cut infront of me.  I just spent over two hours being passed from office to waiting room and my paitence and energy was beginning to wear thin.  
13. Refferals office called the OB for me.  They wanted me to come in tomorrow but I already have to work.

The due date they marked down is August 22nd, 2012.  This is from my LPM (last menstrual period) on November 16th.  If you go by the day I ovulated on, December 3rd then my due date is August 25th instead.  That seems like it would be more accurate.  

I'm 4 weeks, 2 days.

My first OB appointment is Wednesday morning (4wk,4days).  My refferal paperwork states: "LMP 16 Nov 11. EGA (estimated gestation age) 4+5 weeks Infertility pt with HSG Oct' '11 demonstrating "scarring of right tube". Please eval for IUP (intrauterine pregnancy) vs ectopic in this high risk patient."  Since my lap surgery showed a lot of scarring of my right fallopian tube the risk of ectopic is higher than normal, if I ovulated from my right ovary.  They are rushing to get me in sooner rather than waiting a few weeks.  Ectopic would mean I'd have to MC, naturally or with drugs.  And it can cause a lot of problems for me if it is not caught early enough.  I'm pretty sure it's not ectopic, most of the pain I've felt is from the left side, not right.  I knew I'd be high risk for a long time.  My cervix is a mess too. No surprise there.

16dpo @ FMU

16dpo @ FMU

16dpo @ 11PM

-Selbe

4wk, 2day

Hoarding Provera

I'm a bad person.  This goes with my post about hoarding meds.  

This morning I refiled my Provera 10mg 10 days/pills from Dr. S (OBGYN).  He used to give me a bunch of refills on the meds, I'm not sure why.  I have three refills still left.  It was free with my health insurance.

This afternoon I picked up my Provera 10mg 5 days/pills from a completely different pharmacy.  This was prescribed by Dr. H (RE).  I told Target I had no insurance, and with their generic prescriptions it came to $4.  

I'm not sure why I'm taking it for only 5 days this time?

I have a fear that someday I'll need this med or any other and I won't have insurance or a doctor to prescribe it.  I even see this med being trading on the TTC forums.  It's not like it's a horrible drug like a pain medication.  It fucking makes my uterus bleed.   No one would even want it unless they had PCOS or something that makes them just as broken as myself.  So it seems OK to me.  

CD34

Lab Results 8/30

I got my BW tests today in 8 hours!  The results at my OBGYN take over a week.  So the results at CD33:

Beta HCG (PG test) - negative 

Progesterone (O test) - really bad

I did "amazing" like always.  I actually don't know the numbers since the nurse only left a voicemail.  They are starting me on Provera tomorrow.  I assume the progesterone results were that bad if they are giving up on ovulation all together this cycle and just going with Provera.  I keep thinking, "fuck, my ovaries can't even do their job when they are on fertility drugs."  I wonder what it's like to be fertile.  You know, release an egg each month and then get your period two weeks later.  Even at Clomid 150mg I still had zero eggs.  It's like my ovaries didn't even try.

These results were not much of a shock since I said this would happen yesterday.  Not like I'm disappointed, crying, or anything, more pissed at my useless ovaries.

I was talking with a co-worker this morning about my already shitty day.  Not too bad happened, just a bunch of small stuff and pretty much everything I touch gets pooped on.  She asked what my blood tests were for.  Fuck!  So I told her the truth, pregnancy & progesterone, and that it was just an precautions for putting me on a different drug.  I just didn't go into tons of details.  I really don't care if people know what's wrong with me, you never know who you'll met that is just as broken as you.  But sometimes I do care what people will think, especially older women.  The whole getting knocked up while in stirrups and shooting yourself up with needles really doesn't sound natural.  That or people feeling bad for me or looking down at myself.  So I don't tell a whole lot of people.

I woke up with a sore throat today.  This doesn't happen too often since I had my tonsils removed five years ago.  I sucked it up and went to work, where my throat began hurting worse.  I then learned most of the people I work with are also sick.  Fuck!  I came home and took a nap but woke up feeling even worse.  My sore throat is going away, but I'm now becoming a snotty mess.  Oh the joys of socializing with other germ carrying beings.  What was I thinking getting a part-time job?  Oh right, expensive RE appointments.

CD33, no O, BFN

First RE Appointment

HSG - Source

The plan:

• Wait 'til August 29th to see if AF shows up on her own.
• This probably won't happen.  The 29th is CD32 for me.  I haven't had a period that short (and un-medicated) in two years.  I'll need Provera... again.
• CD3 
• Bloodwork - Looking at insulin levels to try to diagnose PCOS.
• Ultrasound - To look at my ovaries, or something.
• ~CD8
• Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) - Checking to see is my fallopian tubes are blocked or other problems in my uterus & tubes.  
• Another SA
• Bean gets to jerk off in a cup again.  I guess the testing is more in depth here, or they just want more of our money.

Dr. H was OK, still think I like Dr. S better.  He didn't show up 'til after my appointment time.  And I felt kind of rushed.  He talked fast and I got a little confused.  But a nurse sat down with me later and went over it all again.  I read this is pretty common in his reviews from other patients online.

I liked that the waiting room wasn't filled with pregnant women.  That's my favorite thing to do at the OBGYN, look at the young PG women, judge and give dirty looks in their direction.  There was only one other couple in the waiting room and they were in their 40's.  I felt better that I'm not the only broken one.  "Great these people are just as fucked up as myself, I like them already."

There also wasn't any baby or parenting magazines.  What would be the point with a bunch of infertiles?  Instead they had Cosmo with "50 Sex Moves".  Because I guess "timed intercourse" becomes old quick so you need to spice it up.  That's more fitting than how to make your own baby food.

Oh Provera.  I can't wait for the 2x menstrual cramps and gross clotting.  I'll be induced for the third time this year, and probably another time after this evaluation cycle.

Dr. H said I most likely have PCOS.  But I've been saying that is probably what I have for over five years now, so that's not much of a shock.  I'd just get treatment for it now (Metformin) if I show to be insulin resistant.  I'm begining to wonder if this ties in with Diabetes.  No one in my family (that I know of) has PCOS.  But my mum's side has had a couple cases of Diabetes, both type 1 and 2.

The ultrasound seems simple and the same as the one I had a couple months ago.  Nothing too interesting there.

The HSG kind of worries me the most.  I hear it's nothing to some women with no pain at all, or the opposite and hell.  I'm most worried about the tube dilating my cervix than anything else.  He said this is the most painful fertility procedure, more so than IVF or IUI.  But is goes quick.  With Bean's work schedule he probably won't be able to go with me.  However, Dr. H said I could drive myself home right after.  And well if not, it's done at the local hospital and I can always hang out there until someone comes to get me.

I'm done with Clomid.  I was told if it doesn't work after three cycles, then give up.  So no more for me, or at least not for awhile.  And I was told to burn my BBTs because they looked that bad and are useless.  I guess that's one less thing I need to track each cycle.  

Bean gets a trip to the special "male room" to drop his crew off.  Only thing is they can only do it once a month at this location, which happens to be tomorrow.  Bean can't get off work or get a referral in time for our health insurance.  The other location is an hour away.

The biggest thing with all this crap is the time it takes.  Bean goes to work early and doesn't get out 'til late, so most offices open and close by then.  My new job is eventually going to get sick of my endless, and sometimes last minute, appointments.  I guess I could just call in "sick", but that would be a last resort.  This RE does have monitoring hours from 7-7:30AM every day but Sunday for BW & U/S.  This works out well for me since my job is literally 5 minutes down the road, and the earliest I ever have to be there is 8AM.

Dr. H does have hope for me.  I was told I have a 1 or 2% chance (or less) of conceiving naturally.  Ok that's not really that good.  But I'm young (26) and I should respond to fertility treatments well (but not Clomid I guess).

CD21