The Chalkboard Project

I started my chalkboard project the other day.  I decided just to label it 0, 1, 2, 3 (hopefully 4, 5, 6...) weeks.  It kind of went with the other idea.    I started out with a brief history of the infertile me (and a little Bean).  I have a much longer list on the timeline page if anyone is interested.

That's it for now.

-Selbe

Recap of the Year

The positive:  I've had more cycles this year than I've had in the past eight or so.  Between my PCOS, being drugged with birth control as birth control, and being drugged with birth control to "fix" me, I average about 4 cycles a year.  Which I probably never ovulated during.  The feminine hygiene products I've had to buy this year, wow.  I usually buy a box and I'm set for a year or two.  Fuck I still have stuff in my bathroom that is 5 or 10 years old that I need to go through and throw out.   

Cycle #1 - March 16th

First cycle off birth control to regulate my cycle, not as birth control.  Last time I was on birth control as birth control... I don't remember when that was.  But I did do a shot of Depo-Provera while my husband was deployed in 2009/2010.  Then realized that was a silly idea since Bean wasn't home anyways.  It was a spur of the moment idea while I was at Planned Parenthood for something else.  After Depo wore off and I got my period Bean was home.  We didn't try at pregnancy, or really prevent it.  After a couple months I decided to try and figure out when I ovulate.  However, my cycle was 7 months long which is not uncommon for me.  After a few useless doctors visits I decided to ask my new OBGYN for Clomid, something I read about on the Internet for women like me.  Clomid 50mg it was.  CD14, CD18, CD20 came and gone with no positive OPK.  I was given Provera to end the cycle.  No ovulation. My due date for this cycle was December 23rd, 2011.

Cycle #2 -  April 24th

I'm increased to Clomid 100mg.  I got a positive OPK around CD16, but it didn't result in pregnancy.  I got my period on my own.

Cycle #3 - May 22nd

Clomid 100mg again.  Another positive OPK for CD18.  But no pregnancy.  Period again arrived on it's own.  This is better than nothing.  My due date was February 29, 2011, Leap day.  It's sad I still remember all these due dates.

Cycle #4 - June 22nd

This is going to be my month!  Clomid 100mg again.  But no positive OPKs and my progesterone results came back extremely low.  My body stopped responding to 100mg.  More Provera for me.

Cycle #5 - July 29th

Increased to 150mg.  Ovulation scheduled for during our vacation, great!  Except my body also stopped responding to 150mg also.  I'm given Provera again and sent away to an RE.  An OBGYN can no longer help these ovaries.

Cycle #6 - September 16th

Lots of testing, no real baby making.  I started a herbal drug called Vitex expecting it not to work, 'til I surprisingly got my period after 31 days.

Cycle #7 - October 17th

More Vitex but no baby making due to lap surgery during around the time of ovulation.  However I got a positive OPK and the progesterone blood work came back great.

Cycle #8 - November 16th

Decides to give Vitex some more time before moving on to injectable like RE suggested.  Results in a BFP right before Christmas with a due date for August 25th, 2012.  Baby's heartbeat was lost about a month later.  

Cycle #9 - January 26th - Current

If the ovulation date I have is correct then I should get my period on February 29th.

-Selbe

Normalcy

At Bean's SA appointment I found a book in the waiting room labeled "Patient's Journal".  It was a recording from various patients of how their IF journey is going.  It's supposed to make you feel like you're not alone.  I skimmed through the whole book, how depressing.  These women (and men) talked about their past failed IUI and IVF procedures, some going through so many.  And their hope for their current cycle.  Some were written years ago.  It makes me wonder how many of them got their wish, and how many eventually put their dreams behind them and moved on.  I don't know if I want to put myself through that.  

Sometimes I don't feel like a women.  I'm not saying I'm going to start cross-dressing or get a sex change.  I have all the parts but they just don't work.  I love my boobs, and sometimes I use them to my advantage.  But they may never do what they were designed to do, feed my newborn child.  My ovaries are completely useless.  Fallopian tubes, they haven't failed me yet.  But without the ovaries they don't have much of a job.  Uterus, that doesn't do much of anything ether.  Even with Provera.  And my vagina.  Super high libido and I'm always ready to go.  That probably got the best deal out of all of this.  (I read this might be a PCOS symptom, extra male hormone & all.)  But in all honestly I do feel broken.  I don't feel like a real women.  I can't do the basics that these things were designed for.

Provera, I don't know what it's doing.  Normally I start AF on the 6th or 7th day after taking the first pill, which would have been Monday or Tuesday.  But nothing yet.  All I've had is some brown spotting during sex, but nothing any other time.  And some light cramping.  Not sure what is going on.  

Sometimes I say I hate kids.  I feel if I talk myself into not liking children then I'll no longer want one and I can put this all behind me.  This really isn't the truth and I still melt at the sight of babies.  Last month I mentioned I didn't like working with pregnant women.  They believe the world just rotates around them.  Every once and awhile I'll have a conversation with one, but most days I'm silent.  I don't ask what they are having (although it's pretty obvious with all the pink or blue clothes) or when they are due.  I really don't give a fuck.  I do help them load their cart because I'm not a total bitch.  I sometimes remind myself that maybe they went through fertility treatments too.  But the ones that have several kids close in age I know that's a lie.  My fertile co-worker mentioned last week about how she hates dealing with PG women too, so I don't feel so bad.  Another thing I don't like is screaming kids.  If I acted the way some of these kids do I'd get beaten in public.  (I didn't grow up in the best home, I even got hit once in a grocery store as a child because I refused to push a shopping cart.)  But some of these parents just don't care.

I'm sick of Facebook and the constant updates reminding me I'm IF.  I'm sick of pregnancy announcements, those stupid automatic tickers that let me know you're x weeks now, belly photos, hearing about your pregnancy, hearing how you're kid is the best thing in the world or that your ALREADY on baby #2.  These come mostly from people I'm not close to, usually haven't seen in years.  I should just delete them all.  If you're close to me then I really do care about your PG.  I really don't use Facebook as much as I used to.  I used to update my status 3-4 times a day.  But now everyday I'm ether at work, class, a doctors appointment, or sleeping.  I don't do much else and it makes for some boring status updates.  I'm a very open person.  I really don't like hiding about my IF, but I feel like I kind of have to.  People really don't understand unless they have come over to this side of the track.  Many are naive and have no interest in even understanding it.  But once you've crossed the tracks, even if you have a successful pregnancy or pregnancies, you never go back to being that naive fertile.  It stays with you for life.  I know 99% of people don't have any idea what some of the feelings I've felt are like.  I'd love to educate about infertility, but unfortunately like most other causes out there people have no interest in listening until it affects them.

I'm tired of everything.  I'm sick of being poked and prodded.  I'm sick of running from doctors appointments to doctors appointments.  I want to be a normal person.  I want to go back to being the girl that bragged about having four periods a year, only buying a box of tampons once every two years, and never having PMS and sore boobs.  Fuck, I was amazing, most women would want that!  Maybe I'll go back to all-natural for awhile and take a bunch of vitamins.  I've taken almost all my GNC Prenatal vitamins now.  I don't feel like I've accomplished much with them, plus they are big and stinky.  I'm going to get some gummy prenatals at Target next.  No need to make this harder than it has to be.  

This was a nice dream.  Maybe it's time for move on for awhile.  Move on with my life.  

CD43

Lab Results 8/30

I got my BW tests today in 8 hours!  The results at my OBGYN take over a week.  So the results at CD33:

Beta HCG (PG test) - negative 

Progesterone (O test) - really bad

I did "amazing" like always.  I actually don't know the numbers since the nurse only left a voicemail.  They are starting me on Provera tomorrow.  I assume the progesterone results were that bad if they are giving up on ovulation all together this cycle and just going with Provera.  I keep thinking, "fuck, my ovaries can't even do their job when they are on fertility drugs."  I wonder what it's like to be fertile.  You know, release an egg each month and then get your period two weeks later.  Even at Clomid 150mg I still had zero eggs.  It's like my ovaries didn't even try.

These results were not much of a shock since I said this would happen yesterday.  Not like I'm disappointed, crying, or anything, more pissed at my useless ovaries.

I was talking with a co-worker this morning about my already shitty day.  Not too bad happened, just a bunch of small stuff and pretty much everything I touch gets pooped on.  She asked what my blood tests were for.  Fuck!  So I told her the truth, pregnancy & progesterone, and that it was just an precautions for putting me on a different drug.  I just didn't go into tons of details.  I really don't care if people know what's wrong with me, you never know who you'll met that is just as broken as you.  But sometimes I do care what people will think, especially older women.  The whole getting knocked up while in stirrups and shooting yourself up with needles really doesn't sound natural.  That or people feeling bad for me or looking down at myself.  So I don't tell a whole lot of people.

I woke up with a sore throat today.  This doesn't happen too often since I had my tonsils removed five years ago.  I sucked it up and went to work, where my throat began hurting worse.  I then learned most of the people I work with are also sick.  Fuck!  I came home and took a nap but woke up feeling even worse.  My sore throat is going away, but I'm now becoming a snotty mess.  Oh the joys of socializing with other germ carrying beings.  What was I thinking getting a part-time job?  Oh right, expensive RE appointments.

CD33, no O, BFN

Having Hope (or Not)

Source

Every once and awhile someone tells me I have to have hope.  That's nice and all (and true for somethings).  But one thing I've learned with the last two unresponsive Clomid cycles, hope does not matter.  Round 4 @ 100mg ended with no ovulation.  Round 5 @ 150mg also looks like no ovulation.  It doesn't matter how much hope I have, or how much I've convinced myself the stars have lined up and this is it.  My ovaries do not see that.  With no eggs, there will be no pregnancy, and that's it.

Not saying I will give up on hope all together.  

I am emotionally drained.  I'm tired of the BBT, checking my cervix several times a day and saliva ferning.  I'm most sick of the ovulation predictor tests (OPKs), the fact I can't aim for the cup to save my life, and that they are ALL negative.  I've seen about 50 negative ones in the last two cycles.  Second I'm tired of all the meds.  I now have a pill case so I remember to take them all each day.  But it is already full with fertility meds, vitamins, allergy meds and any other herb that promises to fix something wrong with me.  I'm tired of taking all these things because I really don't see any of these things actually working (well except for the allergy stuff).  Then there is the side effects (fertility drugs).  I'm tired of timed intercourse, AKA forced sex.  Sure sex is fun and all, but when you feel you need to have it at certain intervals and not just when your horny, well it gets old... quick.  Sometimes I look up at Bean and wish he would just cum, as bad as that sounds.  Of course there is also the hope I do give myself each cycle which has resulted in nothing.  The hope I have the first two weeks that I might actually ovulate this cycle, or the hope in the two weeks following that I might be PG.  Then the disappointment after when you realize it didn't happen, and then do that over and over again.  

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  Half of me wants to give up and just let my body be as it is.  "Let God take it into his hand."  Just remove all meds and let AF come and go as it wishes, and without all the extra stress.  Maybe my body will "fix" itself (though I honestly don't believe this).  But I'm not one to give up.  The other half of me want to go forward with fertility treatment.  Whatever I do, THIS is not working.  As in Provera, Clomid, Provera, Clomid...  

The other part of my frustration is I don't actually understand what is wrong with me.  I don't have a 100% diagnoses.  I don't fit into a certain category.  I don't understand how I ended up this way.  What inside my body went wrong?  Maybe I have a much more severe case of PCOS than they think?

My OBGYN will not prescribe Clomid past 150mg.  A lot of GYN and RE are like that, although I've heard some will go as high as 250mg.  I'm pretty cool with never taking Clomid ever again in my life.  So I switch to Femara or get kicked out and sent to an RE.  Not really sure what the RE will do with me.  

I'm not really heartbroken that this is another anovulatory cycle.  But more disappointed.  I mean I was already on my way to the RE anyways, so that doesn't change anything.  Already dragging my raisin ovaries with me ether way.  

Sometimes I tell people I could cut my ovaries out and replace them with tennis balls and they would do the same thing.  That's a little true.  Tennis balls don't produce hormones (although I don't think my ovaries do most the time ether).  Sometimes I think there are 45 year old women that are more fertile than me.  Ok that one is true, and sad.  

PS I found this article about anovulatory cycles:  What Is An Anovulatory Cycle, What Causes It And How To Prevent It?

CD18, -OPK (whatever...)

July BBT Chart

March BBT

Induced with BCP
Clomid 50mg CD3-7
March 16 - April 23, 2011 - 39 Day Cycle
Anovulatory - No Ovulation

---

April BBT

Induced with Provera
Clomid 100mg CD3-7, Provera 10mg 10 days
April 24 - May 21, 2011 - 29 Day Cycle
Ovulation on CD16

---

May/June BBT

Clomid 100mg CD3-7
May 22 - June 21, 2011 - 31 Day Cycle
Ovulation on CD18

---

And July... poop.

July BBT

Clomid 100mg CD2-6
June 22 - ?, 2011 - ? Day Cycle
Anovulatory - No Ovulation (Progesterone 1.7)

---

What's Next?
Induced with Provera
Clomid 150mg CD3-7, Provera 10mg 10 days

CD34, Provera day 3, no AF

Hello Provera

I start a new cycle of Provera on Saturday.  AF was due sometime this week but yeah...  I wonder what it's like to be fertile.  You know, when you miss your period and the first thought is that you might be PG?  Hmmm...

Anyways I'm trying to plan my next cycle around our anniversary vacation next month.  I hear it's good to get away, have sex in a new place and "just relax".  Not sure how true that is.  (Read Stuff Infertile People Like #5: Being told to “relax”)  Except of course I have to drag all the OPKs and the little cups to piss in with me.  So romantic!  I'll probably leave one on the bathroom sink for the maid staff to congratulate me on my "double line" and pregnancy.  (FYI double lines show up on OPKs regardless if they are + or -.  In fact Bean's pee has enough LH hormone to produce a double line.  And yes I made him take an ovulation test just for the hell of it.)

My mother-in-law (MIL) is coming to visit.  I have to pick her up in Boston later today (I hate driving in Boston, I ALWAYS get lost there.)  Lucky I'll only be on Provera and Clomid doesn't start 'til after she's gone.  Everyone is safed from my mood swings.

New Shipments:

• FSH tests - just because I'm curious, no reason
• Evening Primrose Oil - increases CM, which I have little of
  
• new BBT thermometer - I can try
• cheap OPKs and HPTs - running out
• expensive OPKs - sad these went up in price
• Pre-seed - running out of this too

PS I need a new layout, I'm sick of this one.

CD31, no AF

Progesterone & Semen Results!

I got my CD21 Progesterone results today.  Generally 20+ ng/mL is great, 15+ is good on a medicated cycle, 10+ is eh, 5+ there is ovulation but low quality.  And mine:

Progesterone CD21 = 1.7 ng/mL

Ha!  The first thing Dr. S asked is if I had a +OPK, because if I had he would be surprised.  So 1.7 is pretty bad.  I got my Clomid increased to 150mg (3x the dose I started at) and I'm doing another round of Provera (assuming AF probably won't show up anytime soon).

I mentioned last week that I thought this was going to be low.  So it wasn't much of a surprise.  Plus my lack of post-ovulation crappy side effects gave it away.

Again he mentioned if I don't O at 150mg then I'm getting sent to a RE.  There isn't much else they can do for me at an OB/GYN.

Bean got his SA results today too.

	Bean's	Normal
Volume	4.0	1.5 - 5 mL
Count	20	40 - 250 Mil/ML
PH	7.6	7.2 - 7.8
Motility	60	>60%
Activity	3+	>2+
Morphology	49	>30%
Liquefaction	Liquid	Liquid
Fructose	Positive	Positive

Source

He came home all upset about only getting a 20 on his count, as in 20 MILLION!  It's like he failed at something.  It's on the low side, but I got a fucking 1.7 for Progesterone.  We have more to worry about than his body only making 20 million sperm in 18 hours.  

CD29, no AF (never took a POAS, there's no point, I will before Provera though)

AF Doesn't Give Warning When Visiting

I'm just not good with changes in my hormones.  Birth control, Clomid, whatever, it tends to equal nausea, and sometimes vomiting or dizziness.  Maybe I just have a weak stomach.  But when I get a BFP I'm sure morning sickness will come find me with force.

I remember one day last cycle I woke, drove to the car dealership, sat in their waiting room for an hour and was still nauseous.  I ended up taking Dramamine is fear of vomiting all over the show room carpet.  *sigh*  Yesterday (CD26) I went on a whale watch.  I don't know what I was thinking.  For those of you that haven't been on a whale watch before, small boat way out in the ocean for several hours tends to equal sea sickness.  I forgot about this until I got on the boat and left my Dramamine (something I carry everywhere with me, along with the pocket vibrator & Basic Instinct) at home.  If anyone is going to be vomiting over the side of this boat, it's going to be me.  I spent five hours bobbing up and down in the ocean and I didn't even get the tiniest bit nauseous.  What the fuck?  I don't think my hormones are up to par this cycle = Clomid didn't work.

Whale Watch! These are actually
Atlantic White-sided Dolphins. 

TMI warning.  Last month a friend asked what signs I have that AF is on her way.  Umm what?  Normally nothing.  My cramps don't start 'til after I start bleeding, and I don't get sore boobs or anything along those lines.  Just one random day my underwear feels wet.  A trip to the bathroom shows bright red blood everywhere (I ruin many pairs of panties this way.)  Sometimes I get psyched out by an abundance of CM or lots of sweating.  AF shows up when my uterine lining becomes too heavy for my uterus to support.  I have no warning.  Except with hormones.  BC I get angry three days before.  Clomid I get the nauseous, sensitive nips and off & on cramping the two weeks before.  Not sure if these things are a blessing or a curse.

CD27

Acceptance

 

My husband and I moved to this area last summer.  He's in the military and is usually gone anywhere from a few days to several months at a time.  Planning anything sucks!  But we got word when we moved here and he was going to be home for a year and half!  Sounded like a good time to have a baby.  He'd be here for appointments, to buy me ice cream at midnight, I wouldn't have to worry about him missing the birth, and he'd be around for longer than the 10 standard days to change diapers.  Perfect time right?  Many others families thought the same thing.  We are currently in the middle of a baby train, one which I am not on.

What did I get this past year?  Knowledge that my body is more fucked up than I thought, and unprotected sex really doesn't = baby.

Bean is stationed here 'til next February, give or take a couple months (military and all).  After that we will be moving again, not sure where.  Our top options are Washington state (most likely), New York and South Carolina.  The job he applied for in Washington gives a whole new set of issues with having children, nothing I can really discuss here though.

Looking back to the start of Clomid I feel like I was so naive.  I never thought I'd see round #5.  My EDD for round #1 was right around Christmas.  I never really wanted a child born around the holidays but Bean would be here.  I have to take what I can get.  EDD for round #2 was at the end of January, right after my own birthday.  Bean, myself and baby would all be born in the same month.  EDD for round #3 was leap day.  What a fun day!  We could probably push it and still be living here.  EDD for round #4 is at the end of March.  Eh nothing then.  But it could still be pushed and I could stay behind.  I really like Dr. S and the local hospital.

I fear moving across country (New Hampshire to Washington) later in a pregnancy.  I  need to pee every two hours now and I'm not even PG.  Just think 3,162 miles worth of sitting in a car?  Plus getting there, finding a place, arranging our belonging to be delivered, and finding another OB/GYN that I actually like (this is pretty hard).  That seems like a lot of stress while being PG.

Before I was in denial, this is now acceptance.  I'm 99% sure I will not be having a child here.  I felt like I was rushing from cycle to cycle to make things work in this time crunch.  I've finally come to terms with things are not going to work out the way I hoped and I no longer need to rush.  I am done.

I've already started asked my IF friend (who is currently in Washington) about the centers out there, along with the cost. I need to start preparing.  Another military wife on one of my forums had a IUI with here husband's frozen sperm since he is currently deployed.  That gives another option.  

I'm not doing so hot on Clomid alone.  My current thought is switching to another drug or adding injectables.  Maybe IUI in the future.  But probably not for awhile.  I'd prefer to make a baby on my bed, or the back seat of the car, or... eh you'll figure it out.  Not artificially.  Plus ovulating twice in ten years doesn't give me much chance of getting PG naturally anyways.  My insurance only covers meds and injectables for natural timed intercourse, not for IUI/IVF.

As for the rest of you on the baby train, I'm fucking envious (it's the truth)!  And I'll send you to my doctor.  I don't think he really knows what to do with me, but great with everyone else.  Although last visit when he mentioned Letrozole (Femara) all on his own I was truly impressed.  It was something I was going to ask for and was sure I was going to get the "why do you want that" response.  (FYI, Femara is currently only FDA approved as a breast cancer drug.  But a large number of women who were on it got PG.  Now it is used much like Clomid to induce ovulation.)

PS I created a Facebook page for this blog.  Like me!

CD26, no O or AF

Random Update

I made an appointment with my PCM (Primary Care Manager) for a referral to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist AKA fertility doctor) at the end of the month.  I went years without health insurance and I love having it now, but some days it is a pain in the ass.  I have to make an appointment with my PCM before going to any specialist (ENT, OB/GYN, RE, etc.).  Getting an appointment with my PCM usually takes a week, but this time the earliest is 3 weeks away.  Another week for the referral.  Then however long 'til the specialist can get me in.  It's bull and I miss just calling up to set up an appointment myself.  But that's the way it works.

I'm doing my Progesterone BW later today.  I'm doing it the standard CD21 since I really have no idea when or if I O'ed.  (Normally CD21 Progesterone BW is done 7 days after O, not so much on CD21, which is just a guess for the average women that does O on ~CD14.)  I have a feeling it's going to be pretty low unless I really did O at some point.

I gave up on the OPKs this cycle.  O then after CD20 results in a spoiled egg.  So there is no point in continuing.

Source

I found this interesting for fellow PCOSers.  It was posted on the Clomid forum today.  I also found a couple websites that showed a link between PCOS and Vitamin D deficiency.  Hey I might not be fat or hairy enough to fit into the typical PCOS category, but I am Vitamin D deficient.  Now I just have to remember to take my vitamins every day.

CD21

Fuck You Ovaries

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that this was going to be my cycle.  Well that was a fucking lie.  I have zero +OPKs, my cervix is hard and I haven't started my 2ww feeling like shit yet.  So that means no ovulation.  Unless I missed my surge, and the 2ww is sparing me the nausea and sensitive nipples this cycle (that would be nice).  But it is more likely that it never happened.  When my ovaries go on vacation that means no eggs being released, which means zero possibility of getting PG, no matter how many times I say it's going to be my month.  So fuck you ovaries!

So the plan is to wait it out because there is really nothing else I can do.  I have three options:

• AF shows up in 10-14 days = I did ovulate at some point, theoretically.
• AF doesn't show by CD35 = No ovulation, Provera to induce, round #5 of drugs.
• AF doesn't show by CD31-ish = Pregnant.  The most hopeful but least likely to happen of the three.

I have to think of what I want to do next with Clomid vs. Femara.  I can switch to Femara to give that a try.  Or I can give Clomid another try, probably increasing from 100mg to 150mg. 

I'm also thinking of adding Metformin.  PCOS or not I read it is supposed to help.  

And not sure what to do about the OB/GYN vs. RE decision.  I'm only going to be living in the area for another seven months.  Not sure if it's beneficial to switch to an RE now.

 Any advice would be appreciated.

PS I got sick of the pink layout.  It was too "happy".  

CD19, -OPK

Unsure

I just don't feel anything this cycle.  Maybe it's just the mindset I'm in, or the fact I didn't have much hope even from the beginning of the cycle.  Maybe I somehow cursed it into not working from the start.  But I don't feel like my body is doing anything.

My saliva ferning has been going crazy since I O'ed last cycle.  All through my 2ww, AF and up until now.  I'm not sure what that means besides that I have a lot of Estrogen in my system.  My cervix was soft all week, but now has gone back to being firm again.  It's currently CD14.  My first AO (anovulatory) cycle that I tracked it went from soft to firm over and over again so that concerns me.  My OPKs are still really light too.  Those are my biggest worries.  That and I don't feel anything like cramps.  So I'm worried this will be another AO cycle.

I'm also worried because this is my third cycle on Clomid.  If I do the standard six cycles this means I am already half done and I feel like I've only made a tiny step forward.

I'm unsure about my doctor.  He seems nice and does whatever I ask for the most part.  But every pregnant women I know also goes to that office.  It's just a standard OBGYN and they can only do so much for me.  Any blood work or ultrasounds I need I am sent to the hospital next door since they can't do those things in-house.  I think I have moved to the point of needed an RE instead, especially if this cycle is AO.  I'd love to have the mid-cycle U/S to see if these ovaries are actually doing anything.

I threw two forks at a wall last night (no damage) after getting pissed at Bean.  Then I cried with my irrational thoughts for an hour before falling asleep.  I woke up this morning and also cried in fear of an AO cycle.  I'm trying to pull it together for a friend's baby shower this afternoon.  I know it's supposed to be a happy time for her but I also don't want to be a crying, snotty mess.  And I'd prefer not to show up intoxicated.

CD14, OPK-

New Car

I kind of fell off the face of the internet this past week.  I had a military ball to go to on Friday and then was forced to spend the whole weekend, and now this week, car shopping.

I had another appointment at my GYN on Tuesday.  I'm currently CD36, no +OPK, no +HPT and my BBT looks like an up and down roller coaster.  Another anovulatory cycle.   I was put on  Provera (progesterone) to induce my period and my Clomid was increased from 50mg to 100mg.  No BW or U/S because they weren't sure my insurance would cover it.  So double meds means double mood swings.  Everyones favorite!

If Clomid 100mg and 150mg do not work then he mentioned referring me to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  Again he started talking about having a SA (semen analysis) done on Bean, but at this point it doesn't matter how great or shitty the swimmers are because they have nothing to swim to.

Last weeks accident left my car totaled.  I really liked car and I don't enjoy car shopping.  When I bought my car I didn't care what year it was, the color or the features.  I just wanted that type of car and bought the first one I went to see.  I was easy then.  Not so easy this time.  Awhile ago I mentioned upgrading my husband's truck for a more family friendly vehicle like a smaller SUV.  After driving Tank (the rental car) around for the past week I decided I didn't want a larger vehicle.  I don't need the space.  All I carry around are my pets and photography equipment, nether take up that much space.  There is the occasional airport run but I'm sure there is a bus schedule or something for those people.  I don't have kids and at the rate I'm going the car will be paid off before the ovaries return from their vacation.

I bought a VW New Beetle convertible.  Same car I had before but a few years newer, different color and no roof.  No roof means I lost a lot of trunk space since my backseat no longer folds down.  I figured this choice would be the least family friendly.  I'll be a happy infertile... 

When I go to my GYN appointment to get a refill on my fertility meds or another layer of cell cut off my cervix I'll think of the soccer mom in the mini van.  Especially when I pass them on the highway because they couldn't get to 60MPH in less than 10 second.  Oh the wind blowing threw my hair and the sun on my vitamin D deficient skin.  Enjoy Radio Disney and the stretch marks!

Hidden Text:  York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr.,

March BBT

I don't get these temperatures.  I said I'd post my current BBT a few days ago.   So I'm looking at this for the last 23 days and I don't see a thermal shift or whatever else I'm supposed to be looking for.  (Sorry the numbers are in Fahrenheit.  Silly American with my stubborn government.  But that's a whole other blog post.)

My ovaries/uterus/tubes/whatever-the-else-is-down-there are in pain.   Not like menstrual cramps, but like someone took them out, beat them up and put them back in my body.  Any attempt at intercourse ends in discomfit now.  This is usually the time of the month that my libido goes crazy, I can take a lot.  But not right now.  I'll be on the couch whining instead.  Someone will eventually bring me hot coco.

Clomid Fail

I tried but I guess my own ovaries didn't.  I charted the temperatures, did the OPKs (sometimes twice a day), used saliva ferning, poked at my cervix, and playing with my CM.  I even tried looking at every tiny symptom I've had as possible ovulation.  The nausea, headaches, pains in the side and the cramping.  And I've got nothing.  Sometimes I think it's been so long since I actually ovulated on my own that I no longer know what I'm supposed to be looking for.

Today is CD20 I finally called the GYN thinking, "what the hell?" I really just wanted an appointment for blood work or something.  They said I ether already ovulated at some point or I'm not going to this cycle.  The nurse told me to start taking HPTs (home pregnancy test) in a few days and stop the OPKs.  I have to call back up if my period is late.

The word "late" is not in my menstrual vocabulary.  At least it hasn't been in the last 10 years.  Late to me would be a cycle lasting longer than 8 months, and by then I probably would have figured out I was pregnant long before.  The nurse told me since my last cycle was 28 days long (because of BCP) that means I'm late after 28 days.  Umm ok?  Whatever, 28 is a short cycle for me and I only have a week before calling back up.

I don't really trust doctors of any kind.  I've had a lot of bad experiences. Most of the time I just feel that I get pushed around.  Dr. Google and I spend most our time together researching different drugs and procedures.  Now I just write down what I want done, and hand it to the doctor at the appointment.  I feel I get the most accomplished that way.

Fucking raisin ovaries, I wish you would come back from vacation so we could get something done.

PS The photos are from a school project I did today on depression. Hey I'm good with that topic!

Hidden Text:  York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr.,

Still Waiting...

I'm getting kind of concerned.  It's CD18 and I've yet to have a positive OPK.  My temperature hasn't increased, my CM (cervical mucus) has been the same all cycle long, and my cervix went from firm to soft, and now heading back to firm again.  All I've got is nausea for the last 4 days (it's getting worse).  I'm wondering if this is another anovulatory cycle.  When should I call the GYN?  (And yes I've asked all of this to the strangers on Yahoo Answers too.)

Blaming Google

Doctors Appointment 3/7

New OB/GYN today.  It was kind of weird.  And every time he starting talking about a different medicine or procedure I would already know all about it, sometimes the pro, cons, side effects, what it's used for.  Maybe I just have too much GYN knowledge.  I blame Google.

• I have my first ultrasound next week, pelvic (lower stomach) and transvaginal (inside).  Looking for PCOS and/or whatever else they can find.

• I have PCOS, whether or not they find cysts on the ultrasound.  A mild case, I guess. 
• I have: acne (but getting better, my back is the worst), irregular periods (very irregular), obesity (maybe, BMI 29), breathing problems while sleeping (I'm a ENT mess), oily skin (goes w/ the acne), infertility (yeah...), elevated blood pressure (thanks to Microgestin), excess hair growth (I guess, I have hair?), pain in abdomen (sore ovaries), mood swings (it comes w/ being female), anovulation,  dandruff (but cleared up since I use henna). 
• I don't have: skin tags, skin discolorations, high cholesterol, smaller breast (opposite there), deeper voice, thinning hair (super thick hair here), darkening skin.  The irregular periods are the worst though.

• He thinks I'm anovulatory, or very, very close to it.  

• My blood pressure keeps increasing.  It was 120/80 three months ago before starting Microgestin. Last month it was 130/80.  Now it's 140/90.  

• I start Clomid 50mg day 3-7 next week.

• I also need to start using OPK (ovulation predictor kits).  Already bought these from Amazon.

So I got what I wanted out of the appointment, an ultrasound and Clomid.

My ENT ran a full thyriod check, it came back normal.  So no hypothyroidism.  I do have a vitamin d deficiency.  Could explain why I am so tired.  I need to take my vitamins more often, at least 1000 IU/day.

I also found this website: Taking Charge of Your Fertility. They have charts you can create for everything fertility related.

Hidden Text:  York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr.,

Broken

I'm broken, I've known for awhile now.  It's pretty obvious.

I decided to start this because I think pregnancy blogs are a great way to document the 9 months.  Unfortunately I'm not pregnant, I'm broken instead.  Sorry, not ultrasound photos or cute photos of my growing belly (it might be growing, but it's not cute).

So here is the story how I got this way:

I got my period just like any other girl.  Nothing odd there, it was even regular back then.  But when I was 16 I skipped a month, then another month, then a couple months... That pattern continued. I now get my period anywhere from 3 weeks to 8 months apart, lasting 3 days to 3 weeks long.  It almost sounds kind of awesome, but now I'm 26, married and ready for a child.  I want to know why I'm like this.  I've also had two LEEPs to remove precancerous cells from my cervix when I was 19 and 24.  That is a while other set of problems...

In the past I have been on Ortho Novum, Ortho Evra (the patch), Depo-Provera (the shot), nothing, Depo again, Yaz, nothing and now Microgestin (Loestrin).  The ones with estrogen are supposed to "fix" me.  They really just hide what is wrong until I get off them again.  That and the side effects are horrible.  The progestin only ones are great, no side effects, except they stop my period all together.

I've been to probably 10 OB/GYNs in the past years (we are military, I move around a lot.)  I said before I moved here I would get myself "fixed", or something like that.  Of course I stalled for 6 months to make an appointment (normal for me.)

December 2010:

First appointment with new GYN.  I have a body temperature of 94.8°F on two different thermometers.  I'm sent for a TSH thyroid test after the doctor felt my neck up.  I'm told it came back normal.  GYN couldn't find my cervix during my pap smear, a lot of scarring & very small opening due to second LEEP.  I'm put on Microgestin for 6-12 months to correct my irregular period.

February 2011:

Another GYN appointment to switch my Microgestin, that was running out, to the patch (less side effects & easier to use).  Doctor told me I had to stay on Microgestin for at least another month.  Blood pressure increased from 120/80 to 130/80.  I asked for testing for PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome). I'm informed it is just an ultrasound & GYN wouldn't authorize it.  I got the "no testing, no treatment, no need to know" speech and told all they can do is keep me on Microgestin.  I'm told to come back in 4 weeks to recheck the blood pressure & more Microgestin.

March 2011:

Ditched that GYN & had appointment at my regular primary doctor to get a referral to another OB/GYN (military policy).  I'm told I'm most likely having anovulatory cycles (stopped ovulation). Microgestin will not fix that & I'm taken off it.  My thyroid test (from December) came back at 4.08, slight hypothyroidism (underactive).  Could be the cause of my problem.  I'm maked down for Oligomenorrhea (4-9 periods/year, 35+ days) for the first time, even though I've know that's what I've been for years.

I have an appointment with my new OB/GYN on Monday.  I'm worried I'm not fixable...