Infant Adoption

I'm exhausted and I've had a headache for days.  I don't feel like I get enough sleep.  Maybe my side effects are worse this time because I take it at noon instead of before bed.  Or maybe because I didn't bring myself up from a low dose like last year.  I've very happy tomorrow is my last day of it.

Bean and I talked about possibly going through with infant adoption in the future if this route doesn't work out.  I don't know how far down this road I want to go.  I'm tired with it all already.  I don't know how I'd take it if I lost another baby.  Although I want to carry a baby inside of me and feel it kick, it's not worth it.  I don't want to see another baby died vix early miscarriage or my cervical incompetence.  My cervix isn't something you can fix with IVF, donor eggs or donor embryos.  What if I take that risk and one of these fertility treatments work out?  What if my cervix falls and I go into labour early?  What if my baby dies because of it?  Then I'm going to fear than I'll blame it on myself for killing it.  

I got the slightest interest in looking at baby cribs today.  I wouldn't buy one though, I have to have to perfect design in the perfect colour.   Infertility sometimes makes you really picky.

My first follicle scan ultrasound is on the 26th.  I'm hoping to see at least one follicle.  That would make my day.

-Selbe

Long Walks

Bean and I (and the dog) went to visit some local parks today.  We wanted to go hiking but didn't wake up early enough to drive out there, hike the 8 mi (13 km) and get back before dark.  (We like to sleep in around here.)

I got a new camera last week, Samsung MV800.  I have a lot of cameras.  Normally I use a Pentax K-5 or just my iPhone.  I have a Pentax W80 I use from time to time also.  They all have things I love about them, and things I hate about them.  So it really depends on my mood and what I'm photographing.  

Clomid

My first day of Clomid went well.  No side effects except peeing a lot.  But I usually don't have side effects 'til my last couple pills or after I'm done with them all together (Thursday).  Puppy even sat in front of me as I was getting them out today.  He begs for anything that resembles food.  It's amazing how quick he ass hits the floor when you have a "treat".  He learned that sit = treat.  So now it sits, and sometimes stands back up and sits back down over and over again, just incase I missed it.  Odd thing is he only eats about 3% of the food I actually give him.  He still begs though, even with stuff like blueberries and Clomid.   

(PS the dog didn't get fertility drugs...)

Goals for This Cycle

Yup, I have more of them.

• Don't post anything negative on here 'til CD1. - This goes for depressing thoughts about my fertility, miscarriage and making fun of fertile women that give advice without actually knowing what they are talking about to begin with.  And no angry doctors posts.
• "Remember 100 worked before, and with the trigger it's different.  There is hope." - I was feeling down today so I wrote that on my phone so I could keep looking at it.  I keep thinking Clomid, been there done that.  (I did up to 150mg last year but was unresponsive.)  So I've been far from enthused about my sixth round of the drug.  But 100mg did work for 2 (out of the 3) cycles I took it last spring.  And I'll have monitoring now, and the trigger to release my eggs, and sperm pumped in my uterus.  So it will be different this time (I hope).
• Don't worry. - About my upcoming IUI, or the fear of losing baby in the future due to my cervix.  Today can't fix the future.
• I want to run/walk every other day, then just walk during my TWW. - I hear it's healthy, or something.   
• I want to paint pottery or something else really creative at least once a week. - For my mind.
• I want to try and get out more and less time sitting home. - Going to the store doesn't count.
• I want to try and get around to commenting on more TTC blogs. - I tend to slack at that sometimes.
• I need to stay away from some Facebook groups, and spend more time on others.  Also, less time newsfeed stalking Facebook.
• Spend more time on Baby Center groups. - The IUI and Clomid on, not the March/April 2013 group.  Stay away from the due date groups if you have struggled with any type of infertility or ever had any type of pregnancy loss. 
• I need to stop hiding so much behind my infertility and come out more about it. - I want to be there to support for those that are in the same situation, or for those that are just starting out and looking for information about infertility, PCOS or even cervical dysplasia.  Last week I opened up the Chalkboard Project to about 1/4 of my friend and family on Facebook that know what I going through.  I hope to eventually get brave enough to open it to 100%.

Fifty Followers

I officially have 50 followers on this blog.  Not sure if that is good or bad but the number is slowly going up over time.  

Thankful for Bean

I'm so thankful for my husband someday.  He goes along with this idea and doesn't ever question it (well once right before surgery #1 but that was decades ago now).  He given multiple "samples" for semen analysis.  And then drives the hours one way to jerk off some more for cryopreservation.  I know it's not easy doing your business in the strange room with people walking around outside.  He calls up without hesitation to check on the results.  

(PS One vial last week!  We currently have two frozen, enough for two IUIs without him here.)

He's also great with the appointments also.  I know he can't go to 100% of them.  When he's on a "business trip" he's gone for months on end and far far away from here.  When he's home the hours are long, sometimes working 6-7 days a week.  He tries to get away from work to go but I know he can't always.  Some appointments are not that important anyways.  Sometimes there are several a week and I don't even know how I remember them all.

But he did go to all four of the baby ultrasounds.  He went to the post-op and planning appointments.  He got the time off for all four times I went to the surgery center, sat with me, filled my medication, drove me home (sometimes while I threw up in the car), feed me and tucked me in.  

He's also dealt with any mood swings I've had thanks to these drugs.  And my nausea by driving to the nearest gas station to get me ginger ale.

(For those that know me in real life, you already know what my husband does for a living.  I've mentioned it briefly on here, but he has recently been sent somewhere new.  It is military.  I can not post any dates, locations, or what department he is assigned to.  I actually can not even give this information out to family.  Like in the past, we'll call it "business trips".  Thanks for understanding.)

-Selbe

Start of a New Cycle

Flood gates have opened.  I'll be starting Clomid 100mg tomorrow morning.  Although my track record with Clomid isn't all that great, I have the tinniest bit of excitement about it and the upcoming cycle.  

I have not posted because I haven't been feeling all that great lately.  Kind of been in a pissed off PMS mood and figured I wouldn't have anything nice to say anyways.  The TTC groups have been depressing lately, lots of babies lost this week and on a few of the blogs here.  Though I do wish to be there for them, for my sanity I need to step away.  Especially with my IUI and due date coming up.

Last post was pretty fucking depressing.  I wrote it in bed one night at 4am because I couldn't fall asleep.  I cried through half of it.  Even though it was the product of a snotty mess, I did feel better after a wrote it.  

Target

I lost my job last week.  Well I didn't lose it like I got fired, I just didn't get transferred by the deadline date.  I'm rehirable and all I have to do if fill out some forms and I'll get my old job back.

                                        

Target-2530

I talked about my job many times over the past year, but never mentioned the actual company.  The company was always good to me so I never wanted to bash it nor didn't want anyone from my "fan club" to come looking for me.  I worked for Target.  For those of you that do not know Target is a large retail store in the United States and now Canada.  They have a baby section, cribs all the way down newborn clothes.  That's where I got all my wonderful stories over the past year.

I'm contemplating going through with the rehire.  My doctor's appointment are so often, sometimes with a couple days notice.  Even if I did get pregnant I would have to leave at 4 weeks anyways.

I did go and change my Target baby registry from August 25, 2012 to August 25, 2013.  I spent long hours working on that.  I'm not going to let it go to waste!

Goals for Next Pregnancy

Just thoughts, nothing I've 100% decided on.

• No baby shower 'til after the baby is born.  Maybe a Welcome Baby party is better. - Baby shower games are stupid.
• One of those 3D ultrasounds ASAP. - Not sure the earliest one is done, just a regular 3D, not a gender one.
• Maternity photos as soon as my stomach starts looking like more baby, less like fat. - And later on also, I want to remember.
• Announce pregnancy early. - Still on the fence.  But I want to be PG as long as possible, and I already know the pros and cons if my baby doesn't make it.
• I'm not going to mention every single fucking that I'm pregnant on Facebook.  I'm sure the really important people in my life have figured it out by the 1st or 2nd status update.  I don't know why anyone would mention it everyday, incase the news didn't get to everyone?  - This one is 100%, those people get blocked on in my newsfeed.  And I know what hurt feels like now.

These are for my fear of not having a take home baby.

Goals for This Cycle

• Ovulate one egg.

I don't ask for much with ether ovaries.  It doesn't need to be more than one.  I don't even need to get pregnant.  I just want one egg matured and released.  Baby steps.  This was also the goal of my December cycle.  Which seemed to work.

Enlarge

I saw these question fly past me on one of the military wives groups I'm a part of.When is the earliest you can take a HPT?  Out of 30 or 40 responses only about three got it right.  Or maybe even understood the question.  I then got in a conversation with the poster about irregular cycles, tracking ovulation, PCOS and added her to the military wives that are TTC group.

-Selbe

Much Better Day

Special Puppy

After many phone calls and rushing my old records (which were supposed to be transferred over a month ago) we finally got what we wanted.

Provera & Pregnancy Tests

They gave me Provera.  Same 10mg but seven days this time.  I'm on day two of seven and I usually get AF 14 days after the last pill.  So CD1 in about three weeks.

Before the Provera they made me get a pregnancy test.  A urine PG test.  What is that?  I thought I would explain the two types of PG tests.

• Qualitatively - Meaning you get a "yes" or "no" if hCG is found.  Never a maybe.  This is with all urine tests (lab or at home) & some blood tests. 
• Quantitatively - You get a number of how much hCG is found.  Results are based on the number, so < 5 is not PG, 5 to 25 maybe, and > 25 is pregnant.  This is always blood and used by all REs.  I've never heard of an RE using a urine test.  This is also good because after multiple blood tests they can look at the trends in number to see if there is a problem with the pregnancy.  In the infertile world this is simply know as "beta".  

After being infertile this long I feel like a urine test is too much work for me.  Blood tests I just hop up on the chair, they stick me with a needle and then 30 second later I'm patched up and out of there.  It's more "painful" for me sitting in the overly crowded waiting room than the actual needle.  The urine test they gave me a bag with a cup, wipes and stickers and told me where the bathroom was.  Next I'm standing the the bathroom looking at the 12 steps on the wall of instruction on how to give a urine sample.   Then wondering to myself if this is enough pee to fulfill their 30ml requirement.  This is too much work, just stick me with a needle next time.  Anyways, it was negative.

Clomid Increased 

They decided to give me the Clomid this cycle, as long as I go to the high risk appointment on the 26th.  This also means I am doing Ovidrel with IUI.  Yay!

Last week they wanted Clomid 50mg for me.  After reviewing my records today they decided to increase my dose to 100mg.  Though I still hate Clomid I have more hope in 100 over 50.  

Frozen Sperm

We went into Seattle to freeze Bean's sperm yesterday.  It went well.  I don't have a count or any other numbers.  But he did produce one vial worth for freezing.  It's sperm in the freezer so I should be happy.  And we do plan on doing it a couple more times in the next few weeks.  But does one vial per ejaculation sound normal?  I'm trying to Google and it seems like only one is used per IUI.  Sustained all of Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  

I'm so grateful that Bean goes along with these ideas.  I know it's not easy to jerk off in a strange room with people walking around outside. 

Blood Work

Last Friday I has another series of blood work, seven vials this time.  I looked at my hand after he got done and it turned purple with white spots.  It was pretty amusing to me.  Today I picked up the results.

	Selbe's	Normal Range
Estradiol	134	27 - 433 pg/mL*
DHEA	205	18 - 391 ug/dL
LH	14.31	1.2 - 103.03 mIU/mL**
FSH	6.28	1.79 - 22.51 mIU/mL ***
Prolactin	10.53	3.34 - 26.72 ng/mL
Insulin	8.86	1.9 - 23 uIU/mL
Creatinine	0.8	0.6 - 1 mg/dL
ALT	32	30 - 65 U/L
Fasting Glucose	92	70 - 110 mg/dL
TSH	1.38	0.34 - 4.82 uIU/mL
Testosterone	68	2 - 45 mg/dL
HgbA1C	5.1	4.3 - 6.1 %
17-OHP	79	< 285 ng/dL ****

* Estradiol - Mid-follicular phase: 27-122;  Periovulatory: 95-433;  Mid-luteal phase: 49-291

** LH - Follicular phase: 2.12-10.89;  Mid-cycle: 19.18-103.03;  Luteal: 1.2-12.86

*** FSH - Follicular phase: 3.85-8.78;  Mid-cycle: 4.54-22.51;  Luteal: 1.79-5.12; Postmenopausal: 16.74-113.59

**** 17-OHP - Follicular phase: <185; Luteal phase: <285

A few of those with the *'s depend on where I am in my cycle.  Since I'm CD60 I'm guessing I'm in the luteal phase?  I'm sure that isn't right because I never ovulated.  The only number that is high is my testosterone and that is common for a women with PCOS.

IVF

I was told yesterday the IVF wait list is at about 9 months right now.  But it could become shorter if other people drop out of the program.

-Selbe

Recap of the Year

The positive:  I've had more cycles this year than I've had in the past eight or so.  Between my PCOS, being drugged with birth control as birth control, and being drugged with birth control to "fix" me, I average about 4 cycles a year.  Which I probably never ovulated during.  The feminine hygiene products I've had to buy this year, wow.  I usually buy a box and I'm set for a year or two.  Fuck I still have stuff in my bathroom that is 5 or 10 years old that I need to go through and throw out.   

Cycle #1 - March 16th

First cycle off birth control to regulate my cycle, not as birth control.  Last time I was on birth control as birth control... I don't remember when that was.  But I did do a shot of Depo-Provera while my husband was deployed in 2009/2010.  Then realized that was a silly idea since Bean wasn't home anyways.  It was a spur of the moment idea while I was at Planned Parenthood for something else.  After Depo wore off and I got my period Bean was home.  We didn't try at pregnancy, or really prevent it.  After a couple months I decided to try and figure out when I ovulate.  However, my cycle was 7 months long which is not uncommon for me.  After a few useless doctors visits I decided to ask my new OBGYN for Clomid, something I read about on the Internet for women like me.  Clomid 50mg it was.  CD14, CD18, CD20 came and gone with no positive OPK.  I was given Provera to end the cycle.  No ovulation. My due date for this cycle was December 23rd, 2011.

Cycle #2 -  April 24th

I'm increased to Clomid 100mg.  I got a positive OPK around CD16, but it didn't result in pregnancy.  I got my period on my own.

Cycle #3 - May 22nd

Clomid 100mg again.  Another positive OPK for CD18.  But no pregnancy.  Period again arrived on it's own.  This is better than nothing.  My due date was February 29, 2011, Leap day.  It's sad I still remember all these due dates.

Cycle #4 - June 22nd

This is going to be my month!  Clomid 100mg again.  But no positive OPKs and my progesterone results came back extremely low.  My body stopped responding to 100mg.  More Provera for me.

Cycle #5 - July 29th

Increased to 150mg.  Ovulation scheduled for during our vacation, great!  Except my body also stopped responding to 150mg also.  I'm given Provera again and sent away to an RE.  An OBGYN can no longer help these ovaries.

Cycle #6 - September 16th

Lots of testing, no real baby making.  I started a herbal drug called Vitex expecting it not to work, 'til I surprisingly got my period after 31 days.

Cycle #7 - October 17th

More Vitex but no baby making due to lap surgery during around the time of ovulation.  However I got a positive OPK and the progesterone blood work came back great.

Cycle #8 - November 16th

Decides to give Vitex some more time before moving on to injectable like RE suggested.  Results in a BFP right before Christmas with a due date for August 25th, 2012.  Baby's heartbeat was lost about a month later.  

Cycle #9 - January 26th - Current

If the ovulation date I have is correct then I should get my period on February 29th.

-Selbe

July BBT Chart

March BBT

Induced with BCP
Clomid 50mg CD3-7
March 16 - April 23, 2011 - 39 Day Cycle
Anovulatory - No Ovulation

---

April BBT

Induced with Provera
Clomid 100mg CD3-7, Provera 10mg 10 days
April 24 - May 21, 2011 - 29 Day Cycle
Ovulation on CD16

---

May/June BBT

Clomid 100mg CD3-7
May 22 - June 21, 2011 - 31 Day Cycle
Ovulation on CD18

---

And July... poop.

July BBT

Clomid 100mg CD2-6
June 22 - ?, 2011 - ? Day Cycle
Anovulatory - No Ovulation (Progesterone 1.7)

---

What's Next?
Induced with Provera
Clomid 150mg CD3-7, Provera 10mg 10 days

CD34, Provera day 3, no AF

Fuck You Ovaries

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that this was going to be my cycle.  Well that was a fucking lie.  I have zero +OPKs, my cervix is hard and I haven't started my 2ww feeling like shit yet.  So that means no ovulation.  Unless I missed my surge, and the 2ww is sparing me the nausea and sensitive nipples this cycle (that would be nice).  But it is more likely that it never happened.  When my ovaries go on vacation that means no eggs being released, which means zero possibility of getting PG, no matter how many times I say it's going to be my month.  So fuck you ovaries!

So the plan is to wait it out because there is really nothing else I can do.  I have three options:

• AF shows up in 10-14 days = I did ovulate at some point, theoretically.
• AF doesn't show by CD35 = No ovulation, Provera to induce, round #5 of drugs.
• AF doesn't show by CD31-ish = Pregnant.  The most hopeful but least likely to happen of the three.

I have to think of what I want to do next with Clomid vs. Femara.  I can switch to Femara to give that a try.  Or I can give Clomid another try, probably increasing from 100mg to 150mg. 

I'm also thinking of adding Metformin.  PCOS or not I read it is supposed to help.  

And not sure what to do about the OB/GYN vs. RE decision.  I'm only going to be living in the area for another seven months.  Not sure if it's beneficial to switch to an RE now.

 Any advice would be appreciated.

PS I got sick of the pink layout.  It was too "happy".  

CD19, -OPK

Appointment 6/27

Doctors apppointment yesterday!

• I got a Clomid refill for next cycle.  Dr. S said I'm not very optimistic since I'm asking for it already.  I'm optimistic but I'm not going to try and track him down with less than 3 days to spare when I realize it didn't work.  Planning!
• Talked a little about making the switch to Femara, instead of Clomid.
• Progesterone BW CD21.  Or CD22, or CD23.  Whatever works best with O since that changes every cycle.
• SA for Bean!  He actually got all the paperwork and the special cup yesterday from work.  And since his job gave him a couple days off (not to jerk off, other reasons), we got the little guys dropped off too.  They gave him an hour to get them to the hospital but with the drive and registration I'm not sure they got tested in time.  

CD7, Clomid all done for this cycle

Oligomenorrhea: How I Got Here

Cycles since 2008

This post has a few TMI sections. You've been warned.

I say I have Oligomenorrhea but it is really just a symptom (like nausea), not an actual condition.  Under some definitions I'm even labeled under Amenorrhea.  I'm actually not labeled as any certain condition.  I've yet to have a doctor run enough tests to pinpoint my problem.   Sure I have mild PCOS but not enough for Metformin, and I have very few other symptoms.  Without BC, Provera or Clomid my cycles last 2 week to 7 months.  The days I bleed for can be 3 days to 3 weeks (but usually I'm around 4 days).

I wasn't always like this.  Hence why I am secondary, not primary.  I initially got my period when I was 11.  My mum was already gone by then.  At first I was embarrassed, I didn't wear any protection and thought I could "suck it up" back in me.

It sucks being a teenage without a mum.  My father didn't really know what to do with me so I was on my own most of the time.  I got teased one day in seventh grade for not shaving my legs yet.  So I came home and told my father that I wanted to shave them.  I heard I could do it with a regular razor blade (as in the ones that go in box cutters).  He allowed me to do it.   What a bloody mess!  Couple hours later I had only gotten the fronts and knees done (I wasn't sure if I was supposed to shave the backs).  There was blood running down my legs and I didn't wear shorts for a week after.  Lesson learned.

This wasn't the first time I tired I fixed something on my own.  My mum only left a few pads and I was too embarrassed to ask my father for more.  So I used rolled up toilet paper for years.  I guess I could say I didn't know any better.  Eventually I did get over my embarrassment.  I'm also really good at cutting my own hair, so good that now I'd rather cut it myself than go elsewhere.

Back to my story.  I used to have a regular period, much heavier and longer.  I was never able to pinpoint what day it was due, but I could at least know the week.  I was normal up until this point.  I had cramps (that I didn't know what they were at first.)  I had PMS the day before.  And I had hot flashes that would come on so quickly.  I'd end up on the tiled bathroom floor face down because I'd go from fine to burning up within seconds.  I was a normal teen.

After I turned 16 I missed a period.  No problem, I wasn't sexually active and I heard that sometimes happens when you're young.  I didn't think anything of it.  A couple months later I missed another, then a missed a couple in a row.  But I still didn't think anything of it and I kept being told I was young and it would fix itself.  That was a fucking lie.

The first time I saw an OBGYN was when I was 19.  I had no health insurance so it was just the local Planned Parenthood.  They did the basic Pap smear (this is when I learned I had dysplasia) and put me on birth control to fix my irregular periods and it's intended purpose.  Before they gave it to me I had to do a pregnancy test since I was already "late".  I told them over and over again this was normal.  I still had to drop my morning pee off in a yogurt container.  I freaked at the thought of this test, what if in some fucked up case I was actually PG?  But I wasn't and I got sent home with BCPs and that started my long history of side effects from them.

I spent years off and on BC trying to make my cycles regular.  But I could never stomach the side effects for too long and my period would go back to irregular soon after I stopped them.

This is how I got to where I am today.  Sometimes I even think if my mum was around she could have seen the problem sooner and it would have been fixed then.  Or maybe if I had health insurance I could have gone to a doctor.  I blame my mum the most though.  But you can't change the past, only the future.  I can't dwell on what could have been changed then.  No matter how much I want to change things I am not able to go back in time.  I can only change my future.  And my future is doctors appointments, fertility drugs and eventually adoption paperwork.  There is nothing I can do about it except suck it up and keep going.

If I even have a daughter she will never go through the things I have.  My children will be taken care of.

CD4, Clomid Day 3 (getting pissy, might want to ignore me this weekend)

Guess Who's Back

We are becoming such good friends.  I thought, why not invite my favorite hormone drug to take four?

I'm taking it CD2-6 this cycle, not CD3-7 like prescribed.  Why?  Because I want to.  And because I'm impatient and really don't have much to lose.  Someone explained to me on a forum that:

"My RE explained that taking it 2-6/3-7 makes more eggs (for those that don't O) while taking it 5-9 makes more mature (for those that O on their own)."

Twins, triples, whatever.  I'll take what I can get.  Most of my friends will be on their second or third pregnancy by the time I'm done with all this shit anyways.  I'll just catch up all at once.

I have another appointment next Monday with my GYN.

CD2, Clomid Day 1

Round Four

AF waited 'til 12:09AM on 14dpo to show up.  I had hope for all of nine minutes.  Spotting, so I assume the rest will show up later today.

I put a refill in for round four of Clomid.  The automated system lets you know you can pick up the meds in four business days (next Monday).  Well that's great for most meds but not for fertility ones.  I'll just drive over there today and have them refill it in person.

I also need to call Dr. S in the morning for another appointment.

1. Bean needs SA (semen analysis).  I said if there was nothing cycle three then he's having it done.
2. I'm on my last refill of Clomid.
3. I want to know why I have ovulation pains for a week+ after O.

I'm really not as heartbroken as I should be.  This cycle went by fast and I knew from the beginning it wasn't going to be mine.  

This cycle will be mine.

Don't ever plan life, it will never follow the perfect path you made no matter how hard you try to make it.

CD1

Due Dates

Source

I know my approximate due date for each cycle.  I used to use one of those calculators to figure it out but now Countdown to Pregnancy tells me at the start of each cycle so...

My EDD for this cycle is February 29th, 2012.  Leap year yo!  It was the 26th but I O'ed late.

The sucky things is that when people announce their pregnancy with their EDD (estimated due date) I now know within a few days which day they ovulated on.  Hey I know when you had sex!  Because that was my EDD-ish once too!  It's kind of creepy I can pull this info out of my ass now.

Or better yet letting your friends know what day they were conceived on.  Because everyone wants to know that.  

Fuck, if only I wasn't so good with numbers.