On a Break

And then there was the end...

That pretty much sums up IUI #2.

It Only Takes One

Fertile and infertile women say this to me all the time, especially after my last IUI.  I know they are trying to be optimistic for me but I really find it annoying.  Honestly being in my shoes look at it this way:

	IUI #1	IUI #2	IUI	IUI
Motility	83%	45%	-	100%
Rapid & Linear	58%	5%	-	100%
Total Sperm	12.5 mil	1.3 mil	1	100 mil
Total Eggs	1	2	4	3
Outcome	-	- ?	LOL	+ ?

Logically if 12.5 million swimming to 1 egg = negative, then 1.3 million non-swimming to 2 eggs = most likely negative.  So just one sperm, swimming or not, to 17 fucking eggs is also going to equal negative.

I'd much rather be honest and realistic, and I know that doesn't work for some people.  But that is what works for me.  Once I get the hope in my mind, all the other happy thoughts and dreams come with it.  When I find out it didn't work I end up crying my eyes out for hours.  It's better off to be realistic, expect the worst and be emotional prepared for it.

Don't tell me "well it only takes one".  Just fucking say you're sorry and move on.

Maybe I've just had a crappy life and I'm used to horrible luck.

Chemical

My cramps have mine really bad this cycle.  I've been drugged up on Midol every few hours.  TMI  Tons of clots and my spotting was almost purple.  That combined with the test from the other day, maybe I'm having a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage?  I'd never know since I didn't get blood work and I'm not going to wander over to the ER now to have it done.  Not like they could do anything  for me anyways.  Labeling myself as having a chemical pregnancy isn't exactly on honor.  

Future Plans with IVF

My plans before with using Bean's cryopreservation was to complete about 8-ish IUIs before I got to the top of the IVF list.  So far we've done two, August and then September 2012.  October is canceled.  November might be canceled depending on some other scheduling.  December is still on.  After that my schedule gets sketchy.  It looks like December will be my third IUI and that's it.  I wouldn't mind going to IVF and not completing a third IUI.  Bean's numbers are not that great, so I'm not even sure it's worth it.  Only reason I even do the IUIs to begin with is there's a tiny bit of hope and they are only $200.  

I'm looking forward to this break for a cycle or two.  I'll still be on Met everyday.  I'd hate to stop and have to spend another three weeks of my body getting used to it again later on.  It's just easier to stick with it.  Met usually takes about three month in your body before it starts to work so I'm interested in seeing it it kicks in.

I hate the number 13.  The ultrasound was on a Friday the 13th.  Ever since I'm superstitious of it.  I don't like odd numbers, and 3's.  I don't really a baby born in 2013.  That might sound weird, but I really hoped to make the 2012 cut off.  Now 2014, that's a safe number.  At least I've checked off over half of 2013 now.

I'm going to call Madigan tomorrow and double check with them when my approximate IVF date is.  I can't always trust the things they tell me because they tend to leave out details and are unorganized.  I think the price increased from $6000 to $8000 a couple months ago too.  I'd like to have around $12-14k saved up for IVF and possibly a FET or two.

An IVF cycle ($8-13k) consists of injectable drugs, blood work, ultrasounds, going in to retrieve the eggs when mature, having the eggs combined with sperm in the lab to create embryos, and then a few days later putting 1 or 2 embryos in the uterus.  The extra embryos, can be none, can be 20, are frozen. If the IVF cycle does not work (or you want your baby to have siblings years down the road) then the next cycle the frozen embryos are used.  This cycle is called a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and costs about $4k on top of what you already paid for the IVF.  Every time you go to do FET with the remaining embryos and you have pay again.

I'm a much better candidate for IVF than IUI due to my age and that fact I have tons of eggs for the average 27 year old.  Plus if I have ten eggs, well theoretically Bean only needs 10 sperm, not 10 million.  And they don't even need to be swimming or have tails.

Since I'm not TTC I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging for the next month or so.  Forgive me if I'm missing for bits of time.

PS I got a new basal thermometer today!  My old one needed a new battery, and it was cheaper to buy a new thermometer than one of those tiny watch batteries.  I'll keep my current one as backup.

-Selbe

13dpo

Thanks for the emails/messages/comments everyone.  I know many of you were looking for an update.  The second line never seems as dark or pink as the other day, so I never posted anything else on here.  I figured it would start getting darker by now if it was a true BFP.  I also never went in for blood work ether.

Green is the July 23 cycle.
Purple is my current cycle.

Fertility Friend going by my BBT puts me at 14dpo.  Ovacue puts me at 14/12dpo (gave me two days, the 12dpo is probably more accurate).  My OPKs put me at 14/13dpo.  The O type pains I felt puts me at 12dpo.  The guess for the U/S and trigger timing puts me at 14/13dpo.  I think I will just average it out and say 13dpo for now, or 15dpt, 13dpiui.  AF should be here today, tomorrow, Sunday, or maybe Monday.

I'll do the TWW symptoms from Countdown to Pregnancy today.

Sharp/Stabbing Pains/Pulling/Pinching - Sometimes, off and on, usually the left side.  But I've had it other BFN cycles too.

Cramps (Like PMS/AF) - 11dpo, 13dpo.  I sometimes have no cramps before AF (last cycle) or it goes on for several days.  It doesn't randomly stop though.  But I cramp a lot more randomly since my D&E.

Ovulation Pain - 0dpo, before arriving at Location X.  

Backache - 13dpo

Sensitive Breasts - 9dpo-now.  Medium to very sore.

Weepy - 11-12dpo.

"I Feel Out This Month"/Depressed - 0dpo-now.  Not going to lie, it's infertility.

Headache - 13dpo

Stuffy/Running Nose - 1-10dpo.  I've had a cold.

Dizziness/Light Headed - Off and on, not as bad as other cycles though.

Sore Throat - 1-3dpo.  Again, sick.

Increased Sense of Smell - 11dpo-now.  Stuff stinks, it makes me stomach hurt more.  Not sure if it always stinks or it's just me.

Dry Mouth/Increased Thirst - 1-5dpo.  Again, sick.

Fatigue/Exhaustion - Off and on.  Probably from being sick.

BBT Luteal Phase Dip - 2, 8 and 12dpo.  Largest at 8dpo.

Vivid Dreams - 13dpo, they are more real?

Cervix Pain - 11dpo, typical pulling.

Diarrhea - Often.  Probably just the Met.

Increased Cervical Fluid - 13dpo, usually don't happen right before AF so that was a surprise.

Vomiting - 11dpo

Nausea - 11dpo - now.  My stomach still doesn't feel right, it hurts a lot.  I woke up during the night yesterday to eat.  And it still hurt today during my interview.  It feels better if I eat, but I have zero interest in doing so somedays.

New/Strange Cravings - 11dpo - now.  I want to eat peas and carrots.  And I had Taco Bell for the first time in years.

I don't think I'm pregnant.  We only had sex one day and the IUI was crap.  My hormones are probably very high, hence why I feel so awful.  As soon as I get AF then the sore boobs and nausea will go away.

I'm done TTC for awhile.  I don't have much choice anyways, but I am sick of being poked and prodded and all the doctors' appointments.  Even if we could do IVF in the next couple cycle I wouldn't in interested.  I'm tired of being that infertile.  The one that very much so wants a family for herself, her husband, and an addition to his family.  I feel like a failure for that.  And I feel like a failure for not being able to carry the one child we had to term.  Sometimes I honestly think certain people (family and friends) don't give a fuck about me because I don't have a child.  I'm less of a person, less of a "real" women because of my infertility.  I don't want to be this infertile anymore, I just want to be normal.  I've learned just because you have dreams doesn't mean they'll come true.

I've been working on buying somethings for Coral.  She doesn't need much, not like Loki did where we had to buy everything for a new dog.    I bought her some bows, and she needs a harness since I'm pretty sure we gave away Loki's puppy one he outgrew.  I'd do clothes just because she's cute and a girl, but dog clothes are expensive!  They also grow out of them within a matter of weeks at that age.  Not worth it.

Nibbler

My ferret Nibbler has been diagnosed with adrenal disease/cancer.  Not a big surprise for me since I often know their diagnosis before even go to the vet.  He has the typical hair loss starting at the tail and moving up the body.  Without treatment he'll become completely bald and eventually die.  That will still happen but at a slower pace now.  He had an hormonal implant about the size of rice or a microchip put into his neck.  He was awake for it and they said he didn't seem to feel a thing after getting distracted with ferret candy.  They put a little bit of glue on his neck just in case, but he seems fine.  Nibbler may will eventually need another one of these implants, maybe a couple, depending on how long he lives for.  His fur should start coming back and I'm hoping he gains some weight too.

-Selbe

Spontaneous Plans

I'm booked on a super early (like getting up at 3am) flight tomorrow from Seattle to location X where Bean currently is.  I don't know if it will be too late.  I did my trigger Thursday night at 10pm so by the time I land it will be 60 hours after trigger.  

My temp was higher this morning but this was on very little sleep and taking the temp hours earlier since I had to be up to catch the ferry to Seattle.

I was so upset when I talked to Bean.  He got me on the earliest flight tomorrow, and then I fly home the following day. 

Not sure how realistic this plan is.  But I know I have a higher percentage doing this verses the IUI.

-Selbe

BFN... So Far

I think I'm out.  All I do is spot.  AF is due tomorrow or Friday and this is the third day of spotting.  Most of the time nothing shows up on a pantyliner and I only see it when I check my cervix.  It's only brown too, no red yet.  I'm not sure what would cause so much spotting, I only spot for a day before AF max.  Sometimes not even that long.  I figure it's just a slow and miserable start to AF.  

I've been cramping a lot too which makes me think AF is coming.  Nothing today but yesterday was bad.  I actually laid there crying because that combined with spotting means I'm done for this cycle.  I tend to start cramping right about the start of AF and it doesn't end 'til I take Midol or three days later.  Standing, sitting, laying down, and curled in a ball has no effect on the pain.  But yesterday I learned if I move the pain goes away.  Then comes back later and goes away again.  

My temp dipped really far down yesterday also, but went back up today.  My boobs do hurt, I'm tired, and scatterbrained. 

Oh course every HPT is negative.

Please, BFP or just give me AF so I can start over.  Preferable before Friday afternoon because my RE isn't open on the weekend.

The plan for next cycle?  I will start Femara again this weekend or maybe Monday.  My ultrasound will be around September 7th, trigger around 9th and IUI #2 on the 10th.  Same meds and procedure as before.

-Selbe

8dpo

9dpt 8dpo dpiui

Trigger is still hanging out.  Should be another day, two max, before it's completely out.

BBT is looking somewhat normal.  The reading come out better when I do them vaginally, not orally.  Is that an implantation dip on 7dpo?  Probably just wishful thinking.

-Selbe

7dpo

Trigger Shot 2dpt - 8dpt

I'm half way through my two week wait.  It's too early to tell if it worked or not.

Hormonally, I am pregnant.  Thanks to the trigger shot, which contains hCG hormone, same found in pregnancy.  I have been testing out my shot and right about now (8dpt) it should leave my system.  But my HPT do still have a faint line.  If I'm PG then: A. the line goes away and then comes back or B. the line never goes away but keeps getting darker.  I'm sure some of my symptoms are coming from the hCG injection.

Some things have been happening with my family that have been keeping me busy.  Nothing bad, just stuff that I can't post here for a little bit.  

Do I think I'm pregnant?

Yes - It's IUI, the sperm and egg are perfectly timed.  How could one not be PG?  I know a few people that got PG with their first IUI.  My boobs are not sore.  Nibbles a little perky, but boobs as a whole, nothing.  My boobs are always sore within a couple days of O.  Except the month I got my BFP, sore boobs didn't start 'til 11 or 12dpo.  This happened to my friend too.  Sore banger every month, except the month she got PG.  I was dizzy at the store tonight, really dizzy.  Maybe it happened a few other times too, but not as bad.  And lots of cramping down there.  It's feels like AF is coming and I even went running to the bathroom on the ferry the other day because I was so wet down there.  Today there is cramping too but it feels a little different, and more towards the right side.  I had a luteal phase dip in my BBT this morning.  I am pretty tired also.

No - You know I'm really not a lucky person.  The timing is too right in our life.  Sometimes people have to do IUI after IUI.  My acne is bad too.

-Selbe

Ultrasound Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day for my CD12 ultrasound.  I'm trying not to think anything of it, no excitement, no being nervous.  My goals of pretty minimal, I just want so sort of response that is better than last cycle.  I need at least 1 follicle at 11mm or larger to show any type of improvement.  That follicle needs to be around 20mm (give or take a little) for me to trigger and have the IUI done.  My lining needs to be around 10mm (give or take) to be suitable for implantation. 

I haven't done much charting this cycle, I just can't stand doing it all anymore.  It is such a waste of time when I don't even attempt to ovulate.  No OPKs, no ferning, no checking the cervix and Ovacue and I are still not talking.  At least 'til I hear something tomorrow.  I have been doing BBT but that is a topic for another post.

-Selbe

Ovulation in the Future?

Fertility Friend

I'm moving into ovulation week, if I ovulate.  I've got all the predictors going: OPKs, BBT, Ovacue, saliva ferning, checking the cervix.  Not that I need all those I just would like to see which method lines up with ovulation best, for cycles I'm not monitored via ultrasound.

I bought a VIP membership to Fertility Friend.  It's the charting program I like most, for right now.  I like all the custom setting I can add and the colours.  I just wish they had an Ovacue setting, well other than the custom ones I made.

I can feel slight pain in my right ovary at night when I lay in bed.  Only at CD8 or CD9.  Maybe that ovary is doing something?  I'm not really a fan of my right ovary, well actually the scarred and tangled fallopian tube it is connected to.  It slightly worries me and I feel more comfortable ovulating from my left, just because the increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy.  Even with surgery they can't fix my tube, at least not in 2012.  If I ended up having an ectopic there is a chance I'd lose that tube all together.  Honestly I'm OK with that.  If it causes more harm than good I'd rather have it removed.  Yes, that ovary would be MIA for natural intercourse and IUI.  But I would still have the left fallopian tube, and I'm already heading straight towards IVF with two tubes or zero.  That doesn't change much.  Will have to see on Tuesday is the right ovary is the one with the dominate follicle.  Or maybe I just have a pissed off cyst.

I try not to get my hopes up too much since my record of ovulating even with Clomid is few and far between.  But at least I have a tiny chance with Clomid, vs trying out new herbal drugs, and then a different herbal drug in 30 days to induce AF when it fails to work.  I feel like I'm doing something slightly productive even if I have zero follicles in there.  

I think I chipped the enamel on one of my teeth.  I never have dental problems, not even a cavity before in my life.  It's not noticeable to anyone but I can feel that it's different.  I have an appointment with my new dentist on Monday so hopefully they can bond it, sand it or whatever they do for something like this. 

-Selbe

CD7-9

I saw a pregnancy announcement today from a friend from high school.  She and her wife are expecting.  Yes, two women.  I don't know how they did it.  If sperm got in the mix or really expensive fertility treatment, my knowledge is limited in that field.  I have nothing against someone being gay or bisexual.  And honestly I label myself as bi-curious.  However, it is kind of depressing the vagina & vagina figured it out before the penis & vagina (Bean & myself).  We look like failures now.  Really, how hard could it be?  Well congrats to them.

Source

My wait for ovulation is going OK.  I started ovulation predictor tests (OPK) today at CD10.  My Ovacue has yet to pick anything up, my number are really high though.  My basal body temperature (BBT) looks horrible (typical).  I've gotten more and more ferns with my saliva ferning.  And my cervix went from soft (period) to hard (before ovulation).  My stomach was so sick the last couple days.  I almost threw up last night.  And my acne has also gotten worse.  It feels like my estrogen (estradiol) is high.  I went looking for one of those female hormone charts and my estrogen would match up with what is normal.

I still have a lot of hope for this cycle though.

First RE Appointment

HSG - Source

The plan:

• Wait 'til August 29th to see if AF shows up on her own.
• This probably won't happen.  The 29th is CD32 for me.  I haven't had a period that short (and un-medicated) in two years.  I'll need Provera... again.
• CD3 
• Bloodwork - Looking at insulin levels to try to diagnose PCOS.
• Ultrasound - To look at my ovaries, or something.
• ~CD8
• Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) - Checking to see is my fallopian tubes are blocked or other problems in my uterus & tubes.  
• Another SA
• Bean gets to jerk off in a cup again.  I guess the testing is more in depth here, or they just want more of our money.

Dr. H was OK, still think I like Dr. S better.  He didn't show up 'til after my appointment time.  And I felt kind of rushed.  He talked fast and I got a little confused.  But a nurse sat down with me later and went over it all again.  I read this is pretty common in his reviews from other patients online.

I liked that the waiting room wasn't filled with pregnant women.  That's my favorite thing to do at the OBGYN, look at the young PG women, judge and give dirty looks in their direction.  There was only one other couple in the waiting room and they were in their 40's.  I felt better that I'm not the only broken one.  "Great these people are just as fucked up as myself, I like them already."

There also wasn't any baby or parenting magazines.  What would be the point with a bunch of infertiles?  Instead they had Cosmo with "50 Sex Moves".  Because I guess "timed intercourse" becomes old quick so you need to spice it up.  That's more fitting than how to make your own baby food.

Oh Provera.  I can't wait for the 2x menstrual cramps and gross clotting.  I'll be induced for the third time this year, and probably another time after this evaluation cycle.

Dr. H said I most likely have PCOS.  But I've been saying that is probably what I have for over five years now, so that's not much of a shock.  I'd just get treatment for it now (Metformin) if I show to be insulin resistant.  I'm begining to wonder if this ties in with Diabetes.  No one in my family (that I know of) has PCOS.  But my mum's side has had a couple cases of Diabetes, both type 1 and 2.

The ultrasound seems simple and the same as the one I had a couple months ago.  Nothing too interesting there.

The HSG kind of worries me the most.  I hear it's nothing to some women with no pain at all, or the opposite and hell.  I'm most worried about the tube dilating my cervix than anything else.  He said this is the most painful fertility procedure, more so than IVF or IUI.  But is goes quick.  With Bean's work schedule he probably won't be able to go with me.  However, Dr. H said I could drive myself home right after.  And well if not, it's done at the local hospital and I can always hang out there until someone comes to get me.

I'm done with Clomid.  I was told if it doesn't work after three cycles, then give up.  So no more for me, or at least not for awhile.  And I was told to burn my BBTs because they looked that bad and are useless.  I guess that's one less thing I need to track each cycle.  

Bean gets a trip to the special "male room" to drop his crew off.  Only thing is they can only do it once a month at this location, which happens to be tomorrow.  Bean can't get off work or get a referral in time for our health insurance.  The other location is an hour away.

The biggest thing with all this crap is the time it takes.  Bean goes to work early and doesn't get out 'til late, so most offices open and close by then.  My new job is eventually going to get sick of my endless, and sometimes last minute, appointments.  I guess I could just call in "sick", but that would be a last resort.  This RE does have monitoring hours from 7-7:30AM every day but Sunday for BW & U/S.  This works out well for me since my job is literally 5 minutes down the road, and the earliest I ever have to be there is 8AM.

Dr. H does have hope for me.  I was told I have a 1 or 2% chance (or less) of conceiving naturally.  Ok that's not really that good.  But I'm young (26) and I should respond to fertility treatments well (but not Clomid I guess).

CD21

Having Hope (or Not)

Source

Every once and awhile someone tells me I have to have hope.  That's nice and all (and true for somethings).  But one thing I've learned with the last two unresponsive Clomid cycles, hope does not matter.  Round 4 @ 100mg ended with no ovulation.  Round 5 @ 150mg also looks like no ovulation.  It doesn't matter how much hope I have, or how much I've convinced myself the stars have lined up and this is it.  My ovaries do not see that.  With no eggs, there will be no pregnancy, and that's it.

Not saying I will give up on hope all together.  

I am emotionally drained.  I'm tired of the BBT, checking my cervix several times a day and saliva ferning.  I'm most sick of the ovulation predictor tests (OPKs), the fact I can't aim for the cup to save my life, and that they are ALL negative.  I've seen about 50 negative ones in the last two cycles.  Second I'm tired of all the meds.  I now have a pill case so I remember to take them all each day.  But it is already full with fertility meds, vitamins, allergy meds and any other herb that promises to fix something wrong with me.  I'm tired of taking all these things because I really don't see any of these things actually working (well except for the allergy stuff).  Then there is the side effects (fertility drugs).  I'm tired of timed intercourse, AKA forced sex.  Sure sex is fun and all, but when you feel you need to have it at certain intervals and not just when your horny, well it gets old... quick.  Sometimes I look up at Bean and wish he would just cum, as bad as that sounds.  Of course there is also the hope I do give myself each cycle which has resulted in nothing.  The hope I have the first two weeks that I might actually ovulate this cycle, or the hope in the two weeks following that I might be PG.  Then the disappointment after when you realize it didn't happen, and then do that over and over again.  

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  Half of me wants to give up and just let my body be as it is.  "Let God take it into his hand."  Just remove all meds and let AF come and go as it wishes, and without all the extra stress.  Maybe my body will "fix" itself (though I honestly don't believe this).  But I'm not one to give up.  The other half of me want to go forward with fertility treatment.  Whatever I do, THIS is not working.  As in Provera, Clomid, Provera, Clomid...  

The other part of my frustration is I don't actually understand what is wrong with me.  I don't have a 100% diagnoses.  I don't fit into a certain category.  I don't understand how I ended up this way.  What inside my body went wrong?  Maybe I have a much more severe case of PCOS than they think?

My OBGYN will not prescribe Clomid past 150mg.  A lot of GYN and RE are like that, although I've heard some will go as high as 250mg.  I'm pretty cool with never taking Clomid ever again in my life.  So I switch to Femara or get kicked out and sent to an RE.  Not really sure what the RE will do with me.  

I'm not really heartbroken that this is another anovulatory cycle.  But more disappointed.  I mean I was already on my way to the RE anyways, so that doesn't change anything.  Already dragging my raisin ovaries with me ether way.  

Sometimes I tell people I could cut my ovaries out and replace them with tennis balls and they would do the same thing.  That's a little true.  Tennis balls don't produce hormones (although I don't think my ovaries do most the time ether).  Sometimes I think there are 45 year old women that are more fertile than me.  Ok that one is true, and sad.  

PS I found this article about anovulatory cycles:  What Is An Anovulatory Cycle, What Causes It And How To Prevent It?

CD18, -OPK (whatever...)

Not Looking Good

Today is CD17 and no +OPKs yet.  Light, dark, light, dark... back and forth but never dark enough dark enough to be a +.  *sigh*  Maybe it's another anovulatory cycle?  This looks really bad if I can't even ovulate on 150mg of Clomid.  :/  I'm hoping they do a progesterone test on Thursday at the new RE, since it will be CD21 that day.

And my BBT looks horrible.  I'm not even sure why I bother charting.  WTF am I even supposed to do with a chart that looks like this?

So tired of all the drugs.

CD17, -OPK (still waiting)

July BBT Chart

March BBT

Induced with BCP
Clomid 50mg CD3-7
March 16 - April 23, 2011 - 39 Day Cycle
Anovulatory - No Ovulation

---

April BBT

Induced with Provera
Clomid 100mg CD3-7, Provera 10mg 10 days
April 24 - May 21, 2011 - 29 Day Cycle
Ovulation on CD16

---

May/June BBT

Clomid 100mg CD3-7
May 22 - June 21, 2011 - 31 Day Cycle
Ovulation on CD18

---

And July... poop.

July BBT

Clomid 100mg CD2-6
June 22 - ?, 2011 - ? Day Cycle
Anovulatory - No Ovulation (Progesterone 1.7)

---

What's Next?
Induced with Provera
Clomid 150mg CD3-7, Provera 10mg 10 days

CD34, Provera day 3, no AF

Hello Provera

I start a new cycle of Provera on Saturday.  AF was due sometime this week but yeah...  I wonder what it's like to be fertile.  You know, when you miss your period and the first thought is that you might be PG?  Hmmm...

Anyways I'm trying to plan my next cycle around our anniversary vacation next month.  I hear it's good to get away, have sex in a new place and "just relax".  Not sure how true that is.  (Read Stuff Infertile People Like #5: Being told to “relax”)  Except of course I have to drag all the OPKs and the little cups to piss in with me.  So romantic!  I'll probably leave one on the bathroom sink for the maid staff to congratulate me on my "double line" and pregnancy.  (FYI double lines show up on OPKs regardless if they are + or -.  In fact Bean's pee has enough LH hormone to produce a double line.  And yes I made him take an ovulation test just for the hell of it.)

My mother-in-law (MIL) is coming to visit.  I have to pick her up in Boston later today (I hate driving in Boston, I ALWAYS get lost there.)  Lucky I'll only be on Provera and Clomid doesn't start 'til after she's gone.  Everyone is safed from my mood swings.

New Shipments:

• FSH tests - just because I'm curious, no reason
• Evening Primrose Oil - increases CM, which I have little of
  
• new BBT thermometer - I can try
• cheap OPKs and HPTs - running out
• expensive OPKs - sad these went up in price
• Pre-seed - running out of this too

PS I need a new layout, I'm sick of this one.

CD31, no AF

Cycle Chart

I signed up for Countdown to Pregnancy for new BBT charting and 2WW symptoms.  I was using Taking Charge of Your Fertility but the website is a little flakey and slow.  But now I can share my current cycle!

http://www.countdowntopregnancy.com/homepage/?u=31207

CD6

AF is a Bitch

That pretty much sums it up.  Oddly I'm still in a decent mood... today.  I start my third round of Clomid on Tuesday.  And a new shipment of OPK & HPT are coming from Amazon.  

So here's May's BBT (basal body temperature) chart:

Provera 10mg for 10 days (AF started on the 6th day) and then Clomid 100mg days 3-7.  O (ovulated) on CD16.  I gave up on BBT.  I guess a positive is that I got AF all on my own without meds birth control.  Only thing I don't understand is we BD'ed all three days before O and on it. :/

January is a pretty shitty month to be born in anyways (I should know).  February will be better.

CD2

Insanity

Source

Yesterday as I hit the same button over and over again trying to get our Blu-ray player to work my husband asked me if I knew the definition of insanity.  Then began to tell me.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Google told me Rita Mae Brown or Albert Einstein actually said that quote, but it couldn't decide which.  

It reminded me of infertility.  Doing the same treatment (IVF, IUI, fertility meds, tracking BBT) cycle after cycle hoping for the result you want.  Maybe we might change something small.  Squirt some Pre-Seed in or something.  But it's the same thing over and over again.  We are all fucking insane.  But I guess we already knew that.  

New Car

I kind of fell off the face of the internet this past week.  I had a military ball to go to on Friday and then was forced to spend the whole weekend, and now this week, car shopping.

I had another appointment at my GYN on Tuesday.  I'm currently CD36, no +OPK, no +HPT and my BBT looks like an up and down roller coaster.  Another anovulatory cycle.   I was put on  Provera (progesterone) to induce my period and my Clomid was increased from 50mg to 100mg.  No BW or U/S because they weren't sure my insurance would cover it.  So double meds means double mood swings.  Everyones favorite!

If Clomid 100mg and 150mg do not work then he mentioned referring me to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  Again he started talking about having a SA (semen analysis) done on Bean, but at this point it doesn't matter how great or shitty the swimmers are because they have nothing to swim to.

Last weeks accident left my car totaled.  I really liked car and I don't enjoy car shopping.  When I bought my car I didn't care what year it was, the color or the features.  I just wanted that type of car and bought the first one I went to see.  I was easy then.  Not so easy this time.  Awhile ago I mentioned upgrading my husband's truck for a more family friendly vehicle like a smaller SUV.  After driving Tank (the rental car) around for the past week I decided I didn't want a larger vehicle.  I don't need the space.  All I carry around are my pets and photography equipment, nether take up that much space.  There is the occasional airport run but I'm sure there is a bus schedule or something for those people.  I don't have kids and at the rate I'm going the car will be paid off before the ovaries return from their vacation.

I bought a VW New Beetle convertible.  Same car I had before but a few years newer, different color and no roof.  No roof means I lost a lot of trunk space since my backseat no longer folds down.  I figured this choice would be the least family friendly.  I'll be a happy infertile... 

When I go to my GYN appointment to get a refill on my fertility meds or another layer of cell cut off my cervix I'll think of the soccer mom in the mini van.  Especially when I pass them on the highway because they couldn't get to 60MPH in less than 10 second.  Oh the wind blowing threw my hair and the sun on my vitamin D deficient skin.  Enjoy Radio Disney and the stretch marks!

Hidden Text:  York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr.,

March BBT

I don't get these temperatures.  I said I'd post my current BBT a few days ago.   So I'm looking at this for the last 23 days and I don't see a thermal shift or whatever else I'm supposed to be looking for.  (Sorry the numbers are in Fahrenheit.  Silly American with my stubborn government.  But that's a whole other blog post.)

My ovaries/uterus/tubes/whatever-the-else-is-down-there are in pain.   Not like menstrual cramps, but like someone took them out, beat them up and put them back in my body.  Any attempt at intercourse ends in discomfit now.  This is usually the time of the month that my libido goes crazy, I can take a lot.  But not right now.  I'll be on the couch whining instead.  Someone will eventually bring me hot coco.

Clomid Fail

I tried but I guess my own ovaries didn't.  I charted the temperatures, did the OPKs (sometimes twice a day), used saliva ferning, poked at my cervix, and playing with my CM.  I even tried looking at every tiny symptom I've had as possible ovulation.  The nausea, headaches, pains in the side and the cramping.  And I've got nothing.  Sometimes I think it's been so long since I actually ovulated on my own that I no longer know what I'm supposed to be looking for.

Today is CD20 I finally called the GYN thinking, "what the hell?" I really just wanted an appointment for blood work or something.  They said I ether already ovulated at some point or I'm not going to this cycle.  The nurse told me to start taking HPTs (home pregnancy test) in a few days and stop the OPKs.  I have to call back up if my period is late.

The word "late" is not in my menstrual vocabulary.  At least it hasn't been in the last 10 years.  Late to me would be a cycle lasting longer than 8 months, and by then I probably would have figured out I was pregnant long before.  The nurse told me since my last cycle was 28 days long (because of BCP) that means I'm late after 28 days.  Umm ok?  Whatever, 28 is a short cycle for me and I only have a week before calling back up.

I don't really trust doctors of any kind.  I've had a lot of bad experiences. Most of the time I just feel that I get pushed around.  Dr. Google and I spend most our time together researching different drugs and procedures.  Now I just write down what I want done, and hand it to the doctor at the appointment.  I feel I get the most accomplished that way.

Fucking raisin ovaries, I wish you would come back from vacation so we could get something done.

PS The photos are from a school project I did today on depression. Hey I'm good with that topic!

Hidden Text:  York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr.,