Physical Pain is Nothing

Looking at the last couple years of my fertility journey I've learned that the physical pain from everything is nothing compared to the emotional pain I've felt.

The side effects from the drugs (Clomid mostly) are there and blah.  The blood work is just needles in the arm.  I don't even take a deep breath like they tell me anymore.  It only affect me if they take a large number of vials (6+) on an empty stomach.  Bring a snack to eat after in that case.  The most painful thing about blood work is that sticky tape some offices use to patch you up after.  The internal ultrasounds are nothing.  The wand is the size of your standard dildo.  The HSG was hell, but I'd do it again (with a lot of complaining) if I had to.  Lap surgery left two incisions in my stomach.  It was sore but I didn't take any pain meds and was back at work 3 days later lifting heavy items.  The gas bubbles hurt the most.  The Hysteroscopies and D&E I was fine with.  Up walking around soon after and back to work the next day.  Both IUIs there was cramping, but nothing too terrible.  Injections the in stomach seem to creep more people out than the pain they cause me.  It takes a little force to push the needle to break the skin, but once it's in I am fine.  

Source

Many women would get queasy about the thought of simple the blood work or dildo cam.  None of that is pain to me.  I don't even look at the most painful thing in the world, labor, with fear anymore.  All that stuff is just temporary physical pain.

The emotional pain is what will get you.  Sometimes you go through a cycle with so much hope.  You had sex at the right time, or the IUI/IVF went perfect.  You wait two weeks with all these early pregnancy or implantation symptoms.  You think to yourself that you must be pregnant.  Maybe even take a early pregnancy test and swear you see a faint line.  Come to find out your cycle didn't work.  All the hope you had is now crushed.  The only thing you can do is pick up the piece and try again next cycle.  

Maybe your cycle does work, and then you lose your baby.

After my second ultrasound with my first pregnancy I had to start prepping for the great possibility I would need a D&E.  My emotions were a mess at first.  Why did I have to wait two years for this to only have it taken away?  Why does everyone else get pregnant with the snap of their fingers and they take a healthy baby home from the hospital?  Two weeks later at my fourth ultrasound they confirmed our fear.  They told me my body did everything right for the baby, it was still trying to feed it.  The sac was perfect size for a 10 week old.  But the baby wasn't perfect size.  It was no longer moving and the heart had stopped.  The following day was my 27th birthday, the day after I was in surgery for my D&E.  By the time my D&E came I was fine, I had already disconnected from my baby.  But never the same person I was before.

I went back to work before my D&E.  Most days I was so dizzy but my RE told me as long as I wasn't bleeding excessively then there was no need to go to the ER.  I had my insurance card in my pocket along with a brief note about what was wrong with me and my emergency contact.  Just in case because some days I was so sure I'd pass out with the building moving so much.  The dizziness went on for months, later diagnosed as Vertigo, but the worst of it ended after the D&E.

The thing that upset me the most were my boobs.  As soon as I hit 5 or 6 weeks pregnant my areolas began getting larger, along with the standard soreness.  Weeks after my D&E I remember standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror.  My areolas were still large and my boobs sore.  My body was still hormonally pregnant.  It made me angry and I just wanted everything to return to normal.  Those sore breasts where for pregnancy, and I was no longer pregnant.  One day I even wore a bathing suit top in the shower because I didn't want to feel the water hitting them and reminding me.

Emotional pain like this story hurts me way more than any physical pain of fertility treatment.  

-Selbe

TWO Mature Follicles

My ultrasound went amazing Thursday morning.  It was CD13, a day later than my normal U/S but it's not like I'm ever ready that early anyways.  My lining was 8mm, left ovary I had a 22mm follicle and right ovary with a 23mm follicle.  TWO mature follicles, and super early for me.  I triggered Thursday night at 10pm and my IUI is scheduled for 9:30am this morning.

I got a little annoyed with the RE when I first got there.  As soon as I checked in they asked if I had a full bladder for today.  FYI a full bladder is required for a external ultrasound, usually for pregnancy early on.  A empty bladder is required for an internal ultrasound, infertility.  It's a follicle scan so I answered no, why would I?  They let me know I need one today.  I asked why and the receptionist wasn't sure.  Why didn't they tell me in advance?  I drive over an hour there and could have downed water the whole way.  I had no where near a full bladder.  So they sent me down the medical mall to vending machines.  I only brought my phone, ID and car keys with me, not wallet.  A follicle scan is in and out. So I had to walk all the way back out to my car to get change and then back to the vending machines.  I get back to the waiting room and sit down trying to down this whole bottle of water quick because I can't have my appointment 'til I do.  They apologize, I need an empty bladder.  What?  I was mixed up with another patient.

The pharmacy wait time was ridiculous.  I needed my trigger that night so I couldn't come back another time.  I got there and picked a number: 256.  They were currently on 126.  WTF?  I drove to Panera Bread a couple towns over, got lunch to go.  Drove back and ate it while waiting, just in case they got to me.  About a half hour after I finished eating I was actually called.  I waited over an hour and a half.  

-Selbe

Ultrasound 8/6

I went to my CD15 ultrasound today.  The RE had a trainee with him today so he spent extra long with the U/S.  At first they couldn't find my uterus.  A shadow or something was in there.  I assured the RE it was still there.  (Gosh I'm going to turn into one of those.)  After five minutes or so and a lot of wand action he found it.  My lining was 8mm this time! Perfect for implantation.  Left ovary is doing nothing.  But the follicle on the right ovary is now 17.5mm!  

The plan:  I'll do OPKs all today, then tomorrow, then one Wednesday morning.  They are waiting for the natural LH surge.  If none come up positive then I'll trigger.  Which looks like a great possibly since my OPKs are still really light.  They showed me how and where to inject it, along with needle disposal.   Then I went to wait in a 45 minute line at the pharmacy to pick up the Ovidrel.

The only thing that seems odd is they told me to trigger on Wednesday morning or afternoon, but I've only ever heard of people triggering at night.  I'm going to call up the place doing my IUI tomorrow just to double check.

One of our first photos at a Navy Ball in 2007

• +OPK on Tuesday = IUI on Wednesday
• +OPK on Wednesday = IUI on Thursday
• Trigger on Wednesday = IUI on Thursday

I was told to BD tonight.  Check!  

Out three year wedding anniversary and five years together is on Wednesday.  

-Selbe

Ultrasound 8/3

Lining:  5.8mm

Right Ovary:  13mm (1)

Left Ovary: nothing good

So 13mm is larger than last cycle at 10mm.  The right and left ovary do have a bunch of tiny follicles but they don't count those.  Lining is a little weak.  I go back Monday for another u/s.

It could go ether way.  The 13mm can keep growing and become mature, which would mean IUI.  Or this could be it, like the 10mm before, and stop growing.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up for the IUI.  It looks more promising than last cycle, but far from set in stone.

If the 13mm is a dud I'll start Provera again.  Then next cycle will be Femara with injectables added.  I seem to respond better to Femara than Clomid.  

Photos from the Lavender Festival a couple weekends ago.

-Selbe

Ultrasound Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day for my CD12 ultrasound.  I'm trying not to think anything of it, no excitement, no being nervous.  My goals of pretty minimal, I just want so sort of response that is better than last cycle.  I need at least 1 follicle at 11mm or larger to show any type of improvement.  That follicle needs to be around 20mm (give or take a little) for me to trigger and have the IUI done.  My lining needs to be around 10mm (give or take) to be suitable for implantation. 

I haven't done much charting this cycle, I just can't stand doing it all anymore.  It is such a waste of time when I don't even attempt to ovulate.  No OPKs, no ferning, no checking the cervix and Ovacue and I are still not talking.  At least 'til I hear something tomorrow.  I have been doing BBT but that is a topic for another post.

-Selbe

Promises for the Future

The one positive I have to say from trying for a baby for an extended period of time is that I get to see what everyone else has done in their pregnancy.  Somethings I really like and would have never thought of that idea myself.  Pinterest has helped a lot with this.  And then sometimes I see things, and well, I promise myself I will never do.  

Things I will not do in future pregnancies:

Orange 3-D Ultrasounds

I like the 3-D/4-D ultrasounds and I do plan on paying out-of-pocket for one during my PG.  But why do they have to be orange?  It's like there is an Oompa Loompa in there.  I used hide under the covers when those creepy things came out to do their dance.  Unless my child has Jaundice I really don't think having them be orange is going to make me bond better.  I will change all those 3-D photos to black and white.  

Pregnancy Lineup

You know when they have all the preggos at the party or whatnot stand in a line for a photo.  Then everyone gets to compare the belly sizes and how many weeks along you are.  I don't mind belly photos in general and have no problem being photographed myself.  But don't make me stand in a line with other women like I just committed a crime and someone now needs to pick me out.  

I think deep down this brings out fear of being compared to others.  Not in the fat vs skinny way.  But that I'm not the same as them.  I had struggles, and they go much deeper than how big my bump is.

Rant - "It's in the Water..."

I HATE this saying.  Why do people have to equate a large number of women getting PG at once by saying something is in the water?  Do people really think there is something fucking in the water?  I know it's just a saying.  It just pisses me off when someone has zero knowledge of infertility says it to me.  Or any other crappy advice I'm given.  Old post but: 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility: There's Something in the Water

Name & Nursery Ideas

We thought of some more ideas.  Actually it was more me thinking of everything and my husband agreeing, for now. 

Girl - Pink & brown room theme, with owls.  Name:  Lillian Airi, or Arri

Boy - Blue & brown theme, with elephants.  Name:  never got that far

Lily, or Lillian, has been picked out for years.  Bean told me a long time ago that I needed to thing of an 'A' middle name so her initials would be LAB.  I'm not sure why.  It took me a year and a half to find Airi, and now he doesn't even remember the LAB idea.  Anyways good thing I'm infertile and had plenty of time to think of a middle name.

I'm hesitant to use owls because I know several people that have already decorated a child's room with them.  Owls = protection, elephants = good luck.  That seems fitting for any child of mine.

-Selbe

Blood Work 6/26

Blood work showed no ovulation.  That's OK.  It's early (CD13) so I didn't think I did anyways.

Friday I have another ultrasound appointment.  Let's hope there is a close to mature follicle.  I'd really like my IUI not to get canceled.  

-Selbe

Bare Minimum Kind of Girl

	Ideal for Trigger	My CD12
Follicle Size  (Dominant)	18-22mm	10mm (1)
Follicle Size (Non Dominant)	<16mm	5mm (1)
Number of  Dominant  Follicles for IUI	1-3	1
Number of Non Dominant  Follicles for IUI	No Limit	1
Lining	8-10mm	5.8mm
Estradiol	200+ pg/mL (per dominant follicle)	175 pg/mL

Ultrasound
I was so nervous going in for this ultrasound for the fear of hearing bad news.  I always try to expect the worst and when something better is heard I am excited.  That works out better for me since with TTC I often feel like I hear more bad news than good.  If I think the opposite way it ends with a lot of crushed hope.
Anyways for CD12 I'm not doing so well.  My right ovary has a 10mm and 5mm follicle, and my lining is only 5mm.  These numbers are about half of what is ideal for ovulation.  My left ovary has no follicles.  They still have time to grow, follicles grow about 1-2mm per day.  Not sure about lining.  
My RE originally thought the thin lining was due to low Estradiol (Estrogen or E2 commonly called) levels.  That seemed odd to me since I'm normally one for high E2 levels.  They sent me for E2 blood work letting me know not to expect that high of numbers.  With two small follicles and a thin lining they didn't even except me anywhere near 100 pg/mL.
He booked my next U/S for July 3rd (CD19) for me.  I was very worried that they would miss ovulation, and the IUI all together.  But he doesn't think I'm responding well to Clomid anyways (big surprise there) so my follicles will not be much bigger in 7 days from now.  So there is a great chance I'll be labeled anovulatory and just be put on Provera again.
The blood work came back a few hours later.  I got a 175 on my E2!  They are baffled to why someone with such little growth has such high E2 levels.  They have two theories: 

• I have already ovulated ether in the past 24 hours, or maybe I will really soon.  I'm instructed to have sex tonight since it is too late for IUI if that is the case.  A 175 is too high for a 10mm follicle so they think it might belong to another much larger one.  Possibly hiding or already been released.  They are running LH blood work to see if I'm going to ovulate soon, and Progesterone blood work to see if I already ovulated.  I really think this is an unlikely option since ovulation at CD11 seems impossible for me.  The two cycles I actually ovulated on Clomid was at CD16 and CD18.  It's really not like my reproductive organs to perform extraordinary or even at normal levels.  I shoot for the bare minimum levels and I'm happy with that.
• They expect my CD10 (and 5mm) to shoot off growing rapidly soon.  So my next ultrasound is Friday now (CD15) since that don't think I'll make it to next week now.  
• Bare Minimum - I've have high E2 naturally and responding crappy to Clomid... again.

I also got the RE to prescribe Metformin after a lot of talking him into it.  He let me know it probably will not help me since I'm not insulin resistance or fat enough.  I still want to try it though, it can't do anymore harm than what my body does on its own (PCOS).  Well minus the fabulous side effects.  I take 500mg this week, 1000mg (two pills) next week, then 1500mg (three pills) the following week and stay at that dose.  Unless I have horrible side effects then I'll increase on my time.

High Risk OBGYN

Source

I felt odd going to this appointment because my original thought was "are you my new OBGYN?"  I got there and it was in the hospital part of the medical center, as in labour and delivery.  Not an OBGYN doctors office.  The doctor rambled off a bunch of percentages of preterm labour after a LEEP, cone, with and without cervical cerclage.  After awhile my mind got lost, until I asked if I need a cerclage or not.  I really just want a "yes", "no" or "maybe" answer.  The short answer is no.  The last measurement of my cervix is 1.5cm.  Which is short for pregnancy, I think they are looking for a 3cm or longer.  They will have to wait 'til I'm past my first trimester to measure the cervix again and determine if the cerclage is need.  I honestly just want to say to put it in ether way.  But then there is the risk it was cause preterm labour on its own.
So rushing my ass to this really important appointment (thanks to the RE) was pretty much a waste of everyones time.  They can't give me a definite yes or no to what I'll need or not.  And they can't help my infertile self.  But they don't think my cervix is the end all so I am moving forward with fertility treatment vs adoption.
My IVF date is April 2013.

-Selbe

Infant Adoption

I'm exhausted and I've had a headache for days.  I don't feel like I get enough sleep.  Maybe my side effects are worse this time because I take it at noon instead of before bed.  Or maybe because I didn't bring myself up from a low dose like last year.  I've very happy tomorrow is my last day of it.

Bean and I talked about possibly going through with infant adoption in the future if this route doesn't work out.  I don't know how far down this road I want to go.  I'm tired with it all already.  I don't know how I'd take it if I lost another baby.  Although I want to carry a baby inside of me and feel it kick, it's not worth it.  I don't want to see another baby died vix early miscarriage or my cervical incompetence.  My cervix isn't something you can fix with IVF, donor eggs or donor embryos.  What if I take that risk and one of these fertility treatments work out?  What if my cervix falls and I go into labour early?  What if my baby dies because of it?  Then I'm going to fear than I'll blame it on myself for killing it.  

I got the slightest interest in looking at baby cribs today.  I wouldn't buy one though, I have to have to perfect design in the perfect colour.   Infertility sometimes makes you really picky.

My first follicle scan ultrasound is on the 26th.  I'm hoping to see at least one follicle.  That would make my day.

-Selbe

RE Appointment 5/24

My appointment went good today.  We did get lost when we first arrived.  I asked the little Korean lady at the information desk where to go but she didn't know where the "fertility clinic" or "Reproductive Endocrinologist" was.  She gave me two options.  First being the OBGYN on the third floor, for pregnancy tests, pregnancy and giving birth.  No, that's not me.  Plus when I made my appointment I was told me ground floor or lower level.  The second option was the OBGYN on the ground floor.   Hmm, I don't think that is me, but it could be?  I walk down to the OBGYN clinic and as soon as I walked in the door I notice the waiting room full and there are tons of newborns and babies everywhere.  Fuck!  I really hope this isn't the place.  Sure enough he sends me a door down to the actual fertility clinic.  This waiting room just had a couple waiting alone and a few women.  Much more my taste.

Basic Appointment Testing

Source

• Medical History - They didn't seem to care about the records that have yet to arrive.  Just asked me questions.
• Ultrasound
• Uterine Lining - Measured 15mm, too thick.  Obviously it's been some time since AF.
• Ovaries - I've never had cysts before, at least they haven't been found.  She showed me the left ovary, covered in small cysts.  Then scanned to the right ovary, also covered in cysts.  It's nickname is Ring of Pearls.  Yup, the classic PCOS cysts.
• Blood Work - I go for that tomorrow morning.  I'm having glucose done along with a few other thing, mostly stuff I've had done in the past.
• Semen Analysis - She's a little worried about Bean's low results in the past.  I'm not too concerned, they could be worse & I seen PG with less.  They are not bad enough to send us to an Urologist.

Dr. C told me there is overweight PCOS and skinny PCOS.  I have skinny PCOS.  Even with my anovulation and cysts I still don't look PCOS.  Which is probably why I've made it so long without a diagnosis.  I'm not overweight enough and I don't have thinning hair, hair in strange places or darkening of the skin.  She also said no amount of weight loss will make my PCOS better.  Though I don't like to make excuses nor am I lazy, this is something I have thought about from time to time due to the fact that my problems began when I was 16 and underweight at the time.  I actually wasn't allowed to donate blood in high school because I didn't weigh enough.  If I see the same problems at a BMI of 18 and a BMI of 29, weight probably it's related to it.  

Cervix

The description of the my cervix from the RE looks bad.  I guess most of it is gone and it's very short.  I am at a great risk for cervical incompetence and a cervical cerclage is most likely going to be needed.  This also comes with bed rest.  This scares me because I am a military wife without family in the area and very few friends.  I will have to figure out a plan once I get pregnant.  This also isn't new news to me so no surprise about the cerclage.  

She is having me met with the high risk OBGYN even before pregnancy is achieved so I know what to expect.

Overall

Even with my failing cervix, my polycystic ovaries and Bean's 23 million sperm count we are ready to move forward with IUI.

Move to IUI

I began spotting this morning, randomly without any cramping.  Not sure if this is AF, but if it is then tomorrow or the following day should be CD1.

I need to have a beta PG test done to make sure I'm not PG.  This part really doesn't seem necessary.

On CD3 I'll start Clomid 50mg for five days.  I'm not a fan of Clomid, I didn't ovulate at 150mg, let along 50mg.  My five rounds of Clomid before were unmonitored they don't know how I responded to it, other than not releasing eggs.  This time I will have ultrasounds to show the number of eggs and their sizes, along with the trigger shot to manually release them when they are ready (vs waiting for if/when my body to do it).  So I guess it's better, but I still don't like Clomid.  I've just already been down the road before and see no hope there.  

Around CD12 I'll have my first ultrasound to check the size of my follicles.  Possibly a few ultrasounds after that until my follicles are large enough.

I'll be given the Ovidrel trigger shot.

Following that will be my IUI with Bean's fresh or frozen sperm, depending on if he is home or not.  If it is fresh sperm and Monday-Friday then I'll go to Tacoma, if it's frozen or fresh on Saturday or Sunday then I'll go to Seattle.  

Next Tuesday we drive to Seattle to "drop off" some sperm to be frozen. 

Cost 

Clomid & Ovidrel are covered by my insurance, along with any blood work or ultrasounds.

The IUI is $200 for the sperm washing and inseminating me.

Freezing sperm and keeping it frozen is $250 for the first three months, then $125 every three months after that.  

This is a pretty good deal.  There is about a 20-25% chance of it working each cycle.

I'm also on the list for IVF.  It's about a year wait and costs $6000.

-Selbe

Remembering

This is my baby boy.

I think he is beautiful.

I'm proud that he existed.

He is about 8 weeks in this photo.

His heart stopped two weeks later.

I will never forget.

Nor will I hide in the dark about it.

-Selbe

Health Insurance & WIC

My Current Cycle

Each day goes by with no AF and all BFN.  I'm beginning to think I never ovulated.  Fuck.  Since my D&C my ovaries have begun shutting down again.  I wont get AF until they give me Provera again.  Maybe I'll start taking my Vitex again (I stopped after what I thought was O).  I'm going to be happy to start fertility drugs again and be monitored.    

My Insurance & Military Treatment Facilities

There are two main MTF (military treatment facility, military hospitals) in the area.  MTF Bremerton (US Navy) is 20 minutes away and the primary one I go to.  MTF Madigan (US Army) an hour away.  MTF Bremerton does basic OBGYN, low-risk pregnancy and low end fertility treatment (Clomid only, no trigger, injectables, IUI or IVF).  Since I have already done my five rounds of Clomid with no luck I am ready to move on.  In order for me to go to MTF Madigan I need a referral from my PCM (primary doctor) at MTF Bremerton, I just can't make an appointment there on my own.  

There are only a handful of MTF on the country that do more advanced fertility treatments.  Our last base was MTF Portsmouth, they didn't do much of anything there.  The closest to Portsmouth was 500 miles away in Washington DC (I believe).  So I was sent out into the civilian world.  Hence how I ended up at FCNE with Dr. H.

This is for Tricare Prime.  The only way I can get out of this referral system is downgrading to Tricare Standard.  I can see whatever doctor I pick in the civilian world (as long as they take Tricare) but have to pay copays.  Depending on your situation one can be better than the other.  But fertility treatment at a MTF tends to be cheaper than at a civilian doctor.

I'm hoping that my one natural pregnancy, although failed and ended with a miscarriage, means I'll have good odds with more advanced fertility treatments.  Though I've ovulated about five times in two years, I do have a good chance of getting PG when I ovulate.  IF I ovulate.

Referral Runaround

MTF Bremerton pissed me off yesterday.  At my appointment on Monday they told me my referral to MTF Madigan would be put in and in two days I could call up to make my next appointment.  

I called up yesterday (two days) to schedule my appointment.  The appointment line could not find my referral so they could not give me an appointment.

I called the referrals office.  They also couldn't find my referral, ether processed or waiting to be processed.

I then called my PCM that gave me the referral to begin with.  They couldn't find the doctor, or the referral and had no idea when they would.  Zero help.

Which left me only one option, call the appointment line and make another appointment with my PCM for another referral.

The appointment line only had two appointment available: A. in nine minutes; B. in two weeks.  Nine minutes just wouldn't work, and two weeks seems like a long wait for someone else's fuck up.  

So I drove there and talked to a couple people in person.  The PCM forgot to put the referral in.  I was informed a new one would be put in today and in two days (hopefully) I could make an appointment.  Which I'm sure in itself won't be for a month or so from now.  

WIC

I grew up in a family where getting food stamps, WIC or any other types of government programs was avoided as much as possible unless really needed.  It was an embarrassment.  My father says that times are changing and it's become less of an humiliation and more of people abusing the system.  I do believe there are many people out there abusing it, for as long as possible.  I also believe there are those that really do need it.  Our system just sucks at weeding out those that are abusing it and giving it to those that need it.  

I have been on government programs twice in my life.  I didn't have health insurance in my teens and early 20's, no job that offered it, no money to pay for private health care, and still in college.  I had government health insurance to remove cervical dysplasia, since that becomes worse if not taken care of.  Then another time to remove my tonsils since I was in a lot of pain and could not pay for the surgery out-of-pocket.  During this time I ate the same cheap food everyday and would donate blood to get free cookies and juice.  Though I was eligible, never during this time did I sign up for food stamps.   

I've also worked retail at several places that accepted food stamps (now EBT, no wait SNAP) and WIC. Again there are people out there that really do need food stamps.  Food stamps covers most food items. Every once and awhile I'd have a customer want to buy a "food item" and the card wouldn't accept it.  One example was years ago I had customer want to buy one of those tins filled with popcorn that stores sell around Christmas time.  The tins with not the greatest in the world but tolerable popcorn, and once you got done eating it (or throwing the stall shit out) a plastic bag was stuck in it and use around the house as a trash can, until it begins to rust.  She flipped out on me.  I've watched customers buy lobster, potato chips, soda pop, gum, and candy with food stamps.  Never fruits, vegetables or Ramen noodles.  I'm sorry, but if someone is broke and starving they have learned that if you eat certain foods they fill you up better than others, regardless of the calories.  And they know just how much sometimes cost.  I was limited growing up by my father on what I could buy at the grocery store to about $10/week.  One time I even got yelled at for wanting bread and milk in the same week.  Yes it was probably wrong on his part, and not something I'd do to my own child, but fuck I figured it out.  And now taxes are pulled from my crappy minimum wage job to pay for such programs. I don't really give a fuck that your Easter candy and not covered and how you "need" it.  Bitch to me and I'll tell you the real difference between a NEED and a WANT.  

Now moving on to WIC.  I like WIC better than food stamps because it does limit what you can purchase with it, such as only approved cereal, cheese, produce, formula, etc.  However WIC is a bitch for cashiers to ring out.  The WIC program requires cashier to go as far as writing their numbers perfectly (yes, they provide you a sheet on how to write a "7" correct).  Along with making sure the products are the correct type stated on the check and approved by WIC.  When a customer goes to use all her newly expiring WIC checks all at once it takes a great deal of time. 

I bring up this topic because Bean and I went to Wal-Mart late at night a few days ago.  When we got in line at 11:50PM there was only one person in front of us.  A lady, several years younger than myself, not married and with her daughter (about 1 year old) in the cart.  First off, it's almost midnight.  That child should be in bed asleep.  I don't understand why people don't have a sit bedtime and bring their kids out shopping late at night.  (Fuck, my six month old puppy even has a bedtime and falls asleep at 10PM, midnight the latest, each night!)  And then I looked at the belt and saw it.  Her separated stacks of groceries (baby food & formula) and the stack of EIGHT WIC checks right besides it.  

My infertile self got pissed.  She's broke, unmarried, has a child and for the next fifteen minutes I'm forced to stare at her in front of me.  Bean and I have been married for three years, have money (enough), a house, a dog, two cars and zero babies.  All I have to show for it is this shit and a dead baby.  Spectacular!  I looked at Bean and then her and mentioned something along the lines of "that is what you get when you don't use birth control".  Some days I admit, I'm just not a good person.

Not My Kind

Sometimes I wonder when I do get pregnant again how I'd react to other pregnant women around me that haven't had the same trials.  What if they got PG with little trying or on accident, instead of with fertility drugs, procedures and surgery?  Will I feel like they are not my kind?  Will I feel like I am above them? Especially if my pregnancy COST more (fertility treatment) than theirs?

Other Links

My old RE is offering a contest for a free IVF cycle.  This is only for those living in ME, NH, VT, MA, CT and RI.  You can enter to win by filling out the entry form here.  

An ultrasound device has been invented to work on smart phones.  I'd buy it if it wasn't $8k.  

-Selbe

Post-Op Appointment 3/29

You know a doctor's office is expensive
when you see these in the waiting room.

Today was my last appointment with my RE since I'm moving. We went over the surgery from last week.

Uterus looks normal.  Nothing wrong with it and it has been cleared for a "healthy pregnancy".  The abrasions they found during surgery in October are gone.  And the D&C in January left no scar tissue or damage.

Estrogen blood work from a couple weeks ago was high.  But RE isn't concerned.

One of my ultrasounds (ether in January or September) shows I have lots of follicles (eggs) in my ovaries.  They look good for 27 years old.

Biopsy of my uterine lining shows I'll get my period soon.  It has high levels of something I forgot the name of.  First he said that was because I ovulated.  I asked when he thought that was, because I don't.  Then said it might be due to the Provera I was taking being absorbed.  That's a better explanation since I was on it for the whole week before.  I should get my period in the next few days, or a week max.

One Year

Source

One year ago I start this blog.  Although I feel I haven't made it far in this past year, I have learned a lot. 

Last March I ditched my old OBGYN on base for one out in town.  This also ended my short time on birth control which was supposed to regulate my very irregular cycles.  I got my first ultrasound, which ended up being more awkward than anything.  I listened to the much younger than me, unmarried girl next to me be congratulated by the ultrasound techs.  She looked at me the whole time probably thinking I was pregnant just like her.  I also started my first round of Clomid that month.

In April, I realized Clomid wasn't working and took Provera to start my period again.  My Clomid dose got increased.  The OBGYN diagnosed me with minor PCOS.

In May, I actually ovulated with Clomid, but didn't get pregnant.  

In June, I get invited to a string of baby showers, one which I almost cried at.  Same story as May.

In July, my Clomid stopped working and my dose got increased for the second time.  Bean's semen analysis also came back borderline low and my blood test showed I just wasn't ovulating.

In August, I started my fifth and final round of Clomid.  I was sent to an RE after lack of response to the drug.  The RE diagnosed me with PCOS.  Bean & I also celebrated our second wedding anniversary.

In September, Bean's second semen analysis came back normal.  I replaced my Clomid with Vitex.  I had a second ultrasound which showed I was normal inside and had tons of follicles.  My blood work showed I had high estrogen.  And I learned an HSG is a lot more painful than they told me.  

In October, I went in for Laparoscopic Surgery and Hysteroscopy after they couldn't get the HSG tube past my cervix.  I also begin ovulating on my own.

In November, I gave Vitex a third try, first time trying to conceive after surgery.  RE suggested I move to injectables with TI, IUI or IVF instead.

A week before Christmas in December I learned I was pregnant.  My betas looked amazing.

In January, I began bleeding and was sent for an ultrasound where everything looked OK.  A week and half later I started bleeding again and was sent for an ultrasounds.  I saw my baby and it's heartbeat, then was told the baby is not going to make it.  After a few more ultrasounds the heart had stopped.  I had my D&C a day after my birthday.  Bean turned 32 and I turned 27 this month.

In February, I watched my beta numbers slowly head towards zero indicating I'm no longer pregnant.  

This March my beta numbers are still being watched.  I'm still waiting on my post D&C period to arrive.  And my second Hysteroscopy is booked for the end of the month.

I really hope this coming year is much better than the past.  I really hope when I update a year from now that I'm holding my new baby, or at least have one inside of me.

I don't know when I'm going to get my period again.  I've been cramping a lot lately, maybe soon?  

Honestly I feel like I don't even care anymore about being pregnant or having children.  I feel like the dream has gotten further away and even more unreachable.  To the point now I don't want to go through anymore medical procedures and spend my time tracking things.  I'm happy to move across country, move into our new house, met new people, and start my new job.  Leave my infertile self behind here.  I want to forget about this dream and have a bunch of unprotected sex for awhile.  Maybe someday the dream will come back to me.

-Selbe

Memory Book

My book came in the mail the other day.  Thought I would post some pictures of it. 

Cover

Telling Bean

Fourth Ultrasound

Source

No heartbeat found.

Yolk sac measured much farther along than 5w6d, doubling in size from last week.  My body continued going with what was my 9 or 10 week baby never getting the message that it was already gone.  I don't know the exact day the heart stopped.  

We didn't pick out a name because that seems too painful.  Bean and I did decide it's a boy, going by that's what I always thought and he kept calling it.  

-Selbe

New Fertility Monitor

I bought myself a new toy.  I went with the OvaCue Fertility Monitor, oral and vaginal.  It was expensive, $330!  But I am SO sick of OPKs, and buying more OPKs each or every other cycle.  Then dragging the OPKs to work (or on vacation like last summer) and holding my pee in.  Since I have PCOS I have NO idea when or if I ovulate most of the time.  And my birthday is Wednesday, this is cause for a present.

It took me a year and half to get where I am now.  I'm hoping if I throw some Vitex down again, some softcups and have sex every other day I'll get knocked up again in a month or two, or three.  Not another year and half.  This is another stalling attempt on injectables and IUI.  Bean mentioned back in December that even if this PG ended in MC that at least we know I can get naturally PG now.  Not sure if that helped any.  

I decided to take a break from Facebook for at least a week.  It's too depressing.  Feel free to post on my wall or send me messages, I'll get back to you that way.  (I don't really mind if readers of this blog add me.)  Or "Like" the page for this blog.  But no more stalking the newsfeed.  Everyone is so happy with their PG announcements, or birth announcements, or cute baby photos, or just saying insensitive, stupid things.  I really want no part of it.  I'm sure I'll post something from time to time, and probably a cute puppy photo (because that's all I have).  But this is my "I don't care about anyone else" state which is really just to save my own sanity.  

I found this post by another blogger this morning:  The Facebook Miscarriage Announcement.  My favorite:

"10.  The Ultrasound Annoucement, Redoux (Inspired by Elphie’s #2): This one is specific to Blighted ovums. Post the ultrasound pic, with a big red arrow pointing to the empty sac. In case your pool of friends is particularly challenged, write “Doesn’t that Empty Sac look just like me?” above said red arrow."

That's the closest thing that I did.  Uploaded my two ultrasound photos into a generic January album.  Under I wrote when my D&C was scheduled for.  I figured they were a part of my life in January 2012 so that is where it belonged.  Luckly everyone seemed to read and I got no "congratulations", because if they did it would make them look like a huge ass.  I did get a few messages from other women that have gone through the same thing.  One that had a couple LEEPs herself and IUI.  So I think it helped.  

Work sucks lately.  I keep getting dizzy and it really more uncomfortable than anything.  My uterus/ovaries/something down there keeps getting sharp pains.  I have a fear I'll start bleeding out and that will be a mess, so there are frequent trips to the bathroom.  So I just feel yucky, along with emotionally.  I'm glad I'm only working four hours tonight.

Tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound at 7am.  This is the same as last weeks u/s.  Checking for a heartbeat, checking for growth.  

Best Case Scenario:  They miraculously find find a 9 week (or 8, or 7 week old baby) with a heartbeat of 120+ bpm.  -  This also has a less than 0% chance of happening. 

Second Best Case:  This find a 5w6d baby with zero heartbeat.  -  This is most likely.  As sad as it sounds I can move forward with D&C. 

Worst Case Scenario:  They find a 5w6d baby with a heartbeat.  -  Could happen.  This means the baby would be close to a month behind now and cause for D&C anyways.  

-Selbe

Why It Was Great For Me To Miscarry

I decided I'm make a list of a bunch of reasons why it was good to have a miscarriage.  This is really just to make me feel better.  I'd rather actually be holding my baby at the end of August, but that doesn't look like it is going to be happening.

Why It Was Great For Me To Miscarry

1. I get to eat feta cheese, bleu cheese and turkey sandwiches again.  (I have already taken advantage of all three of those.)
2. I am off gym restriction.  (I miss you gym!)
3. I can go skiing, snow tubing, ride roller coasters or any other extreme activity.
4. I can dye my hair blue.
5. I can pierce unmentionable parts of my body.
6. I will (eventually) stop getting nauseous.
7. (Eventually) my boobs will stop hurting.
8. My boobs will be spared the sagging and leaking that comes with PG and breastfeeding for awhile longer.  
9. I can get so drunk I can't feel my face. (In time...)
10. I can drink unlimited high caffeinated soda pop.
11. I can work past what would have been my first trimester. (High risk, bed rest possibility.)
12. My husband won't miss the birth due to work now.  (Because there won't be one!)
13. I don't have to move the 2,500+ miles across country riding in a car with something sitting on my bladder.  
14. I don't have to be PG in the summer.  (I hear that sucks.)
15. I can re-start allergy shots.  
16. I can lift heavy things again.
17. Pap smear, and hopefully nothing more.
18. I can have sex again!  (Sex restriction sucks too, all this time making a baby to actually get PG and not be able to have sex!  Fear no more, I have another baby to make.) 

And then...

Great Things About Having a D&C

1. The surgery center gives out a free pair of these amazing soft socks every time I go there.
2. The center has diet ginger ale.
3. Said ginger ale & sock cost my insurance about $10k because that is what they are billed from the RE, anesthesiologist and center.
4. This will be my third time there since October.
5. I wake up, go to the center, get put out, wake up, go home, fall asleep.  I get to catch up on sleep.
6. I get a day off work.
7. I get my period without Provera.
8. Husband is also excited for his day off work.  (Though I'm sure he wishes he was doing something more fun than watching me sleep.)
9. I don't have to be in a lot of pain or see my baby come out my vagina.
10. This should be simple compared to the lap surgery because they are not cutting into my stomach or filling my abdomen with gas this time. (Though not like lap surgery was that bad.)
11. I get more pain meds that I can sell to make more money to pay for infertility treatment.  (OK that's a lie, but it did come to mind.)
12. I get another IV in my arm and watch my husband squirm.  I call him a baby in front of all the nurses.  Then realize why women delivery babies, not men!
13. More hospital bracelets for the baby book. (Another infertile women mentioned to me putting all her bracelets in the book, not just the one from the delivery.  They were all about "making the baby".  I could fill a whole page of these bracelets now.)
14. It's scheduled the day after my 27th birthday, so now I'll forever know the date of this surgery when I'm filling out my medical history each time I go to a new doctor. (My first LEEP was Valentines Day 2005, still remember the date to this day.)
15. I really like those socks.

We are taking full advantage of no sex restriction this week.  I told Bean we need to get going because I'm ovulating.  He questions that  considering I am still PG so I tell him to go Google it.  But by then I already have my clothes off.  End of story.  Yes I lie and tell my husband I'm ovulating, even when I'm not, so he'll have sex with me.

And my last U/S is January 24th, my birthday is January 25th, and my D&C is January 26th.  I'm forward to this amazing week!  This is EXACTLY what I wanted for my birthday!  Please send me cute stuff and booze!

-Selbe

Third Ultrasound

Friday I measured 5w6d and baby had a heart rate of 86bpm.  

Today I measured 5w6d with 70bpm.

I would have been 8w3d today.  My baby grew zero in 4 days.  The baby's heart is slowing down.  RE has close to zero hope for it.

I have another U/S on 1/24.  As long as the heart stops by then and I don't MC naturally then my D&C is scheduled for 1/26.  If not 2/9.  I'll be put out for it so I'll be happy to not be in anymore pain or see any more than I want to.

I knew looking at the U/S right away the baby had passed or stopped growing.  It looked exactly the same as the other day.  I saw the heart blinking but knew it was flashing at a slower rate.  The RE grabbed my wrist and check my own heart rate against the baby and found mine faster where it should be the other way around.

RE said since my yolk sac was large and baby small that the baby had a chromosomal abnormality.  I guess my yolk sac keep going to feed my 8 week old embryo that never made it that far.  

-Selbe

Future

Tomorrow morning is my next U/S with my RE.  I can't say I'm looking forward to it really, but I am eager to see the results.  I don't know if I want to see the screen or have them turn it away from the start.  I know from the second they put the wand in I'll know something is very different, or exactly the same as Friday.  I'll automatically see it blinking or not (heart).  I'll know without them even saying a word that my baby is gone.  Maybe it will be better that way.  Even though I feel this baby is already gone I want to find out the truth.  But right now there is a tiny chance I am still PG with a healthy baby in there, but after the U/S I'll know 100% for sure.  

I really just want to move on.  I don't feel like I can actually move on 'til it is physically out of me.  But when will that be?  When my body naturally decided, 'til the RE can schedule me for an D&C?  It could be days, or weeks.  I want it out NOW.  I want to move on now.  

Bean and I have thought of some things we could change for the next PG.

Future

Trying again:

• Both of us have decided we want to try again soon after this MC ends.
• Since this PG resulted from Vitex, Softcups and Preseed we are going to try that mixture again.
• If for some reason my Vitex has stopped working I will move to injectables in the next few months.
• My progesterone looked good each time I went in, so they said.  I don't think I'll need a progesterone supplement.
• My husband is scheduled to be gone long periods of time over the next couple years.  We might move to IUI with his frozen sperm so I don't have to give up all together during this time.
• I don't want to give up on this dream.

What I regret from this PG:

• I'm not upset I told people close to me.  It has actually helped me so I don't feel totally alone.  And having my coworkers know about the PG and now MC makes them understand why I haven't been there much this week and that I'm not a total flake.
• Being happy.  I'm so upset I wasted so much time and energy feeling happy after the TTC journey.  I have nothing to show for it.  Next time I'm going to ignore the PG (well not ignore ignore to the point of drinking alcohol & not taking vitamins) but put less happiness into it at first.  Till 20 weeks or 24.  But then I feel I'll miss part of it.  I don't know where I'm going with this.  I'm just angry I was so fucking happy for nothing. 
• Not having more photos or physical items to hold onto.  Then again there isn't too much you can collect in 3 weeks.  Maybe I'll get a babies first Christmas ornament for 2012 or something.  
• Buying things.  This goes with being happy and excited.  I'm not really too upset I bought some clothes.  I've always had a baby bin in the basement I toss things in.  And I'm a military wife so there is always some newly married youngest having a baby shower that I'm invited to.  I'll just give the stuff I don't absolutely love to them.  (I fucking hate baby showers.  Everyone always woos over the mum-to-be & I'm made to play that stupid don't say baby game.  I'm too bitter at most of them that I don't say much so I do pretty well at the game.)  
• Wasting my time researching products.  Although I know pretty much all the products I want for my newborn baby I am still unsure the actually brand and models (like carseat).  So I decided each week of my PG I would pick a product and research the best brands and features I want.  This week it was cloth diapers, and I narrowed it down to a couple brand.  Though now my research has changed from that to different types of abortions to have done.

Things I'll do different next time:

• Drink more water.
• Maybe more vegetables, though I don't eat that unhealthy anyways.
• Omega supplement I was suposed to look into but never got around to.
• Stop Vitex post O.  Though I don't think that will make much difference.
• Gym:  Probably nothing different there since I got put on restriction at 6 weeks.  I wish I had a healthy baby/reproductive system and could still work out light during my PG.  So many women don't do anything at all and I actually want to and can't.
• Notify work early early on just how high risk I really am.

Medical:

• Beta hCG BW I had done early on.  My numbers were amazing, like super amazing.  A 35 hour doubling time each time that set me up for a healthy pregnancy.  Except it didn't.  I don't want my beta done next time.  If those numbers mean MC then no number I ever get will be good enough.  I'd just rather not know.  Bean is on the fence since they tell if the PG is ectopic, which is still a risk for future PG.  Maybe I'll just have the nurse tell me "good" or "bad" instead of a number.
• Ultrasounds.  Bean says no more 'til much later on since they are just too painful.  I am still on the fence.

-Selbe