The Chalkboard Project

I started my chalkboard project the other day.  I decided just to label it 0, 1, 2, 3 (hopefully 4, 5, 6...) weeks.  It kind of went with the other idea.    I started out with a brief history of the infertile me (and a little Bean).  I have a much longer list on the timeline page if anyone is interested.

That's it for now.

-Selbe

Sucking at Acceptance

Two Facebook pregnancy announcements in the last couple days.  Both from people that were pregnant in the spring and miscarried.  I should feel a tad better, but I really don't that much.  In all honestly I'm too busy feeling sorry for my own self.  I cry pretty much every day now.  I'm a quiet crier too, so I just sit there with the tears running down my face for awhile, not making a sound.  I spend way too much time and energy trying to accept my new fate.  

The one good thing about pregnancy announcements is they tend to come in waves.  So they'll be a few week or a month of a bunch of them, nine months of how the rotates around them, and years of baby photos.  And then they'll be another wave.  Most I hide after the first "I'm pregnant" update and ultrasound photo.  It's better for all of us this way.  

So my Lap surgery is on a Thursday.  I took that day off, obviously.  I'm thinking of taking Friday off too.  Saturday I have a baby shower during the day (how convenient) which I took time off for but said I could work at night.  I'm a pretty strong one.  I had a tonsillectomy five years ago, also on a Thursday.  I returned back to school on Tuesday even though I was told I'd need a week or two off.  I was so high off Codeine and could only eat mashed potatoes but I made it.  I fear this for work and the baby shower, and not the mashed potatoes part.  And that it's not my throat, but stomach and bending.  But they are small holes?  

My favorite thing is the RE office telling me to protect against pregnancy for my HSG and Lap.  Heathly Uteri don't sign themselves up for this shit out of fun.  They are at Babies"R"Us signing up for the gift registry.  So the whole "maybe I won't wear a condom this month and I'll get pregnant" has already been thought of.  I'm pretty sure regardless whether a condom is strapped on or not, I won't ovulate, I won't get knocked up, and I probably won't see my period 'til next March.  So protecting against pregnancy really doesn't need to be done since my body does an amazing job at that already.   

PS I probably do have a Babies"R"Us registry for my due date of December 21st, 2012.  Go look it up if you don't know what that day is.  

PSS  Plural of Uterus is Uteri.

-Selbe

CD8

What I Want

We got a referral from our health insurance so Bean will be doing semen analysis #2 on Wednesday.  SA #1 came out with borderline low count.  The last SA was done at a local hospital.  He took care of the business at home and then delivered them to the hospital.  Only thing is he needed to get them there within 60 minutes.  By the time you get them in the cup, drive the 30 minutes to the hospital, and then wait in line to drop them off, it is cutting it close.  That and we didn't really "withhold" long enough.  

SA #2 is done at the RE office.  I have to day off to I can go too!  Though I'll probably just be in the waiting room the whole time.  They don't need my saliva mixed in with the sample. :/ Maybe we'll get the results the same day?

Source

I have more bloodwork to check for PCOS later this week, or whenever Provera brings AF on so my next cycle can start.  One half of me is excited to find out.  For years I'm been telling doctors that this is the most likely thing wrong with me (I've done A LOT of research) and I've always been pushed around.  Finally proof there is something wrong with me.  

But the other half of me fears it.  I don't want to have PCOS.  I don't want to be infertile any longer.  I want to be a normal women.  But there is something wrong with me.  Normal women get AF about the same number of days each month.  Normal women ovulate.  Normal women get sore boobs.  Normal women don't do this crappy on Clomid.  Normal women don't get a fucking 1.7 on a progesterone test.  I am not normal.  I might not want PCOS but I know that if this isn't it then there is something else wrong with me.  Possible something else that they can't fix, even with the most advanced and expensive fertility drugs.  

If I have to take my pick, I'll go with PCOS.  Because I know my body isn't going to fix itself.

CD39

Lab Results 8/30

I got my BW tests today in 8 hours!  The results at my OBGYN take over a week.  So the results at CD33:

Beta HCG (PG test) - negative 

Progesterone (O test) - really bad

I did "amazing" like always.  I actually don't know the numbers since the nurse only left a voicemail.  They are starting me on Provera tomorrow.  I assume the progesterone results were that bad if they are giving up on ovulation all together this cycle and just going with Provera.  I keep thinking, "fuck, my ovaries can't even do their job when they are on fertility drugs."  I wonder what it's like to be fertile.  You know, release an egg each month and then get your period two weeks later.  Even at Clomid 150mg I still had zero eggs.  It's like my ovaries didn't even try.

These results were not much of a shock since I said this would happen yesterday.  Not like I'm disappointed, crying, or anything, more pissed at my useless ovaries.

I was talking with a co-worker this morning about my already shitty day.  Not too bad happened, just a bunch of small stuff and pretty much everything I touch gets pooped on.  She asked what my blood tests were for.  Fuck!  So I told her the truth, pregnancy & progesterone, and that it was just an precautions for putting me on a different drug.  I just didn't go into tons of details.  I really don't care if people know what's wrong with me, you never know who you'll met that is just as broken as you.  But sometimes I do care what people will think, especially older women.  The whole getting knocked up while in stirrups and shooting yourself up with needles really doesn't sound natural.  That or people feeling bad for me or looking down at myself.  So I don't tell a whole lot of people.

I woke up with a sore throat today.  This doesn't happen too often since I had my tonsils removed five years ago.  I sucked it up and went to work, where my throat began hurting worse.  I then learned most of the people I work with are also sick.  Fuck!  I came home and took a nap but woke up feeling even worse.  My sore throat is going away, but I'm now becoming a snotty mess.  Oh the joys of socializing with other germ carrying beings.  What was I thinking getting a part-time job?  Oh right, expensive RE appointments.

CD33, no O, BFN

July BBT Chart

March BBT

Induced with BCP
Clomid 50mg CD3-7
March 16 - April 23, 2011 - 39 Day Cycle
Anovulatory - No Ovulation

---

April BBT

Induced with Provera
Clomid 100mg CD3-7, Provera 10mg 10 days
April 24 - May 21, 2011 - 29 Day Cycle
Ovulation on CD16

---

May/June BBT

Clomid 100mg CD3-7
May 22 - June 21, 2011 - 31 Day Cycle
Ovulation on CD18

---

And July... poop.

July BBT

Clomid 100mg CD2-6
June 22 - ?, 2011 - ? Day Cycle
Anovulatory - No Ovulation (Progesterone 1.7)

---

What's Next?
Induced with Provera
Clomid 150mg CD3-7, Provera 10mg 10 days

CD34, Provera day 3, no AF

Hello Provera

I start a new cycle of Provera on Saturday.  AF was due sometime this week but yeah...  I wonder what it's like to be fertile.  You know, when you miss your period and the first thought is that you might be PG?  Hmmm...

Anyways I'm trying to plan my next cycle around our anniversary vacation next month.  I hear it's good to get away, have sex in a new place and "just relax".  Not sure how true that is.  (Read Stuff Infertile People Like #5: Being told to “relax”)  Except of course I have to drag all the OPKs and the little cups to piss in with me.  So romantic!  I'll probably leave one on the bathroom sink for the maid staff to congratulate me on my "double line" and pregnancy.  (FYI double lines show up on OPKs regardless if they are + or -.  In fact Bean's pee has enough LH hormone to produce a double line.  And yes I made him take an ovulation test just for the hell of it.)

My mother-in-law (MIL) is coming to visit.  I have to pick her up in Boston later today (I hate driving in Boston, I ALWAYS get lost there.)  Lucky I'll only be on Provera and Clomid doesn't start 'til after she's gone.  Everyone is safed from my mood swings.

New Shipments:

• FSH tests - just because I'm curious, no reason
• Evening Primrose Oil - increases CM, which I have little of
  
• new BBT thermometer - I can try
• cheap OPKs and HPTs - running out
• expensive OPKs - sad these went up in price
• Pre-seed - running out of this too

PS I need a new layout, I'm sick of this one.

CD31, no AF

I'm a Mean Person

I saw this on the Facebook page yesterday for 999 reasons to laugh at infertility:

"Another pregnancy announcement on Facebook. First illogical thought was 'but she just got married...""

Oh the number of times I have thought that very thing.  I have a wide range of thoughts to the sight of a FB announcement, an PG announcement anywhere, or just seeing a pregnant women in public.  Some of these are things I thought of way before I was IF, so I know I'm not the only one.  Others have just made themselves a lot worse with infertility.

• "They just got married."  - WTF?  Do you know how long I've been off birth control? How are they even that quick?
• "They've been married way less time than us." - This is for anyone married after August 8th, 2009 at 4:30pm hawaiian time zone.
• "They aren't even fucking married". - I don't care how long your boyfriend/fiance have been TTC for.  Even though it's 2011 the thought of having a child out of wedlock still doesn't seem right to me.  I guess I'm ol' fashion.
• "She already has (X number of) kids."
• "Are they looking to be the next 19 Kids and Counting?" - BTW, I hate this show, but still watch it from time to time.
• "Seriously fucking again?"
• "She's too young to have a kid." -  For pretty much anyone ~25 and younger.
• "Oh... they're so much older." - Chances of convincing decreases after age 25, 30, 35+.  What's my problem then?
• "Least my child will know mommy has a college education."
• "My husband is older than your husband/boyfriend/fiance/random one night stand."
• Smoking? Illegal drugs? - Smoking also decreases fertility. 
• Getting pregnant on birth control, while using a condom, and the pull out method. - How is that even possible?
• "But they are overweight/underweight?" - Menstrual irregularities are linked with being both under and over weight.  So many IF are told to gain or lose weight to increase their chances.  I sometimes think this is a line of bull since my problems started when I was 105 lbs and continue no matter how fat or skinny I am.  That and I see women way more obese than myself PG.  Sorry to say!  So am I really too fat to have a baby?
• "How do they plan on taking care of this baby if they cant take care of the one they already have?" - Or their cat...
• "Looks like I'm paying for yet another one of your kids."
• "How are they even going to afford this baby?" - Babies are expensive, and I have a good idea how much your husband and you make.  I have an even better idea if you work with my husband.
• "Where are they even going to keep a baby in that apartment?"
• "How did you not know you were pregnant?" - Coming from the person that has taken probably 40 PG tests in the last few months.
• "But you already have an amazing/huge family..." - Two things I don't have.  I can't wait to have my own family.
• "Fucking breeders."
• "How come people can't figure out birth control pills? There's little arrows, take it the same time, EVERY day.  How hard is that?"
• "Congrats." - Only once this has happened to another women I know who was TTC for while and I knew had a miscarriage recently.  

Most of these things are mean.  I judge and compare to myself to see where I fit in.  Or maybe just rationalize why I would be a good parent.  I'm not really sure.

I notice my tolerance in PG women is decreasing.  Ones I see walking around, not ones I know personally.  I wore shorts for the first time in years today.  I really don't like my legs and only bought them to make Bean happy.  Oh course they are super short since that's the style right now.  During my trip to the market and Target yesterday I noticed quite of few people looking at my legs.  Not sure if there is something wrong with my legs or my shorts are really too short.  I saw a very young PG women looking at them as she shopped with her boyfriend.  I immediately got angry and thought, "don't look at me bitch, my body looks better than yours will be for a long time."  As I was leaving I drove past them in my convertible with the top down, and they drove away in their beat up Ford Focus.  Karma got the best of it though because it started raining half way home.  This seems to be the way I cope with my own IF.  The "fuck you" approach.  

A couple weeks ago I posted my goals for this cycle.

1. Paint pottery once a week. - Ok I've done this about every week.
2. Draw each day. - Never even started this.
3. Gym (or some kind of exercise) at least every other day. - Really good at this one.
4. Wake up each day and say today will be a good day. - Forgot about this.
5. Drink more water (less of the flavored/carbonated stuff). - Lots of water/flavored water.  Very little soda and carbonated water.
6. Be nice to those around me, especially the preggos. - Umm read the previous paragraph. 

I actually go to the gym pretty much every day.  I really like the gym, always have.  Sometimes I have to drag myself to get dressed and in the car, but once I get there I'm fine. I do 30 minutes on this elliptical type machine.  And then 15-30 minutes of strength training for my legs, arms or abs.  Plus the gym has better TV channels than I do at home so I'll bounce around on the elliptical or treadmill for an hour or two if there is something good on.

CD23, still no sign of O

Oligomenorrhea: How I Got Here

Cycles since 2008

This post has a few TMI sections. You've been warned.

I say I have Oligomenorrhea but it is really just a symptom (like nausea), not an actual condition.  Under some definitions I'm even labeled under Amenorrhea.  I'm actually not labeled as any certain condition.  I've yet to have a doctor run enough tests to pinpoint my problem.   Sure I have mild PCOS but not enough for Metformin, and I have very few other symptoms.  Without BC, Provera or Clomid my cycles last 2 week to 7 months.  The days I bleed for can be 3 days to 3 weeks (but usually I'm around 4 days).

I wasn't always like this.  Hence why I am secondary, not primary.  I initially got my period when I was 11.  My mum was already gone by then.  At first I was embarrassed, I didn't wear any protection and thought I could "suck it up" back in me.

It sucks being a teenage without a mum.  My father didn't really know what to do with me so I was on my own most of the time.  I got teased one day in seventh grade for not shaving my legs yet.  So I came home and told my father that I wanted to shave them.  I heard I could do it with a regular razor blade (as in the ones that go in box cutters).  He allowed me to do it.   What a bloody mess!  Couple hours later I had only gotten the fronts and knees done (I wasn't sure if I was supposed to shave the backs).  There was blood running down my legs and I didn't wear shorts for a week after.  Lesson learned.

This wasn't the first time I tired I fixed something on my own.  My mum only left a few pads and I was too embarrassed to ask my father for more.  So I used rolled up toilet paper for years.  I guess I could say I didn't know any better.  Eventually I did get over my embarrassment.  I'm also really good at cutting my own hair, so good that now I'd rather cut it myself than go elsewhere.

Back to my story.  I used to have a regular period, much heavier and longer.  I was never able to pinpoint what day it was due, but I could at least know the week.  I was normal up until this point.  I had cramps (that I didn't know what they were at first.)  I had PMS the day before.  And I had hot flashes that would come on so quickly.  I'd end up on the tiled bathroom floor face down because I'd go from fine to burning up within seconds.  I was a normal teen.

After I turned 16 I missed a period.  No problem, I wasn't sexually active and I heard that sometimes happens when you're young.  I didn't think anything of it.  A couple months later I missed another, then a missed a couple in a row.  But I still didn't think anything of it and I kept being told I was young and it would fix itself.  That was a fucking lie.

The first time I saw an OBGYN was when I was 19.  I had no health insurance so it was just the local Planned Parenthood.  They did the basic Pap smear (this is when I learned I had dysplasia) and put me on birth control to fix my irregular periods and it's intended purpose.  Before they gave it to me I had to do a pregnancy test since I was already "late".  I told them over and over again this was normal.  I still had to drop my morning pee off in a yogurt container.  I freaked at the thought of this test, what if in some fucked up case I was actually PG?  But I wasn't and I got sent home with BCPs and that started my long history of side effects from them.

I spent years off and on BC trying to make my cycles regular.  But I could never stomach the side effects for too long and my period would go back to irregular soon after I stopped them.

This is how I got to where I am today.  Sometimes I even think if my mum was around she could have seen the problem sooner and it would have been fixed then.  Or maybe if I had health insurance I could have gone to a doctor.  I blame my mum the most though.  But you can't change the past, only the future.  I can't dwell on what could have been changed then.  No matter how much I want to change things I am not able to go back in time.  I can only change my future.  And my future is doctors appointments, fertility drugs and eventually adoption paperwork.  There is nothing I can do about it except suck it up and keep going.

If I even have a daughter she will never go through the things I have.  My children will be taken care of.

CD4, Clomid Day 3 (getting pissy, might want to ignore me this weekend)

POAS are Depressing

AF is due sometime today.  That's really a guess since my body is so messed up that there really isn't a "late" anymore.  Last cycle I O'ed at CD16 and AF showed up on 13dpo CD29.  I assume this cycle since I O'ed CD18 that AF would show up 13dpo CD31?  Approximately same number of days from O, not since the cycle start, right?

I've been having menstrual like cramps all day.  Weird thing is they only last about 15 minutes at a time and then go away.  Normally they start and I'm in for it for the next three days.  I keep running into the bathroom to check for AF.  I even checked my cervix a few times.  High and soft but no spotting yet.

I gave up on the POAS.  I have taken them at 7dpo, 9dpo, 10dpo and 11dpo, all negative.  I would love to be one of those women to know at 3 weeks X days.  But when they come back negative in the morning I'm then upset for several hours after.  I'd rather just presume that AF is around the corner or keep looking at each tiny early PG symptom.  It's just not worth knowing.  Maybe I'll take one in the morning or if AF doesn't show up 14dpo.  

And honestly I'm just assuming AF is on her way soon (sorry for the lack of optimism).  I'm getting kind of sick of the nausea and sore boobs.  The boobs are worse than cycle #2.  I actually wore a bra to bed last night because they kept flopping around (I usually sleep naked).  And I almost vomited in the car the other day.  I'm really looking forward to both these things to go away.  I'd vomit and deal with my sore boobs if I was pregnant with no complaining.  But I'm not PG so please let this IF be.  

CD31, 13DPO

Unsure

I just don't feel anything this cycle.  Maybe it's just the mindset I'm in, or the fact I didn't have much hope even from the beginning of the cycle.  Maybe I somehow cursed it into not working from the start.  But I don't feel like my body is doing anything.

My saliva ferning has been going crazy since I O'ed last cycle.  All through my 2ww, AF and up until now.  I'm not sure what that means besides that I have a lot of Estrogen in my system.  My cervix was soft all week, but now has gone back to being firm again.  It's currently CD14.  My first AO (anovulatory) cycle that I tracked it went from soft to firm over and over again so that concerns me.  My OPKs are still really light too.  Those are my biggest worries.  That and I don't feel anything like cramps.  So I'm worried this will be another AO cycle.

I'm also worried because this is my third cycle on Clomid.  If I do the standard six cycles this means I am already half done and I feel like I've only made a tiny step forward.

I'm unsure about my doctor.  He seems nice and does whatever I ask for the most part.  But every pregnant women I know also goes to that office.  It's just a standard OBGYN and they can only do so much for me.  Any blood work or ultrasounds I need I am sent to the hospital next door since they can't do those things in-house.  I think I have moved to the point of needed an RE instead, especially if this cycle is AO.  I'd love to have the mid-cycle U/S to see if these ovaries are actually doing anything.

I threw two forks at a wall last night (no damage) after getting pissed at Bean.  Then I cried with my irrational thoughts for an hour before falling asleep.  I woke up this morning and also cried in fear of an AO cycle.  I'm trying to pull it together for a friend's baby shower this afternoon.  I know it's supposed to be a happy time for her but I also don't want to be a crying, snotty mess.  And I'd prefer not to show up intoxicated.

CD14, OPK-

Pity

Source

I created this blog a couple months ago to tell my story.  Never along the way have I wanted anyone to feel bad for me or what I have gone through.  I don't want pity but only for people to understand.

I used to want to be an OBGYN and deliver babies.  But the whole 8+ years of school turned me off.  Instead I just expend my time with Dr. Google and reading about pregnancy, birth, and any disorders of the female reproductive system.  I've collected tons of knowledge that is pretty much useless to me right now.  And I probably have a more detailed birth plan than a women in her third trimester.  But now I no longer spend time researching pregnancy.  Everything has now shifted to how to get pregnant to begin with.  I research the differences between fertility drugs, how they work, side effects, increased risk for miscarriage or multiples.  How each procedure and test works.  And who can forget Aunt Judith's cousin's neighbours secret on how she got PG.  I have to say this stuff is nowhere near as exciting as learning about a 30 week fetus or Pitocin.  It is almost ironic.

I still consider myself a "new" infertile.  In fact Dr. S lists me as "subfertile."  Which means I might be able to conceive on my own someday, but not today or probably anytime soon.   I am not waiting 'til I'm 42 to see if maybe my ovaries will start working again.  I'm fixing the problem now.  And I honestly have very, very, little hope that I'll ever have a 28 day cycle (or anywhere near that) with ovulation for an extended period of time.  I was told ten years ago that I would "outgrow" this problem and that my cycles would become more regular as I got older.  That's a lie and in fact I seem to have done the opposite.  If I've seen CD200 on more than one occasion I'll just mark myself as infertile.

I've yet to do IVF or IUI.  I've had no surgeries related to IF and the only testing I've had is some simple BW and an U/S.  The only drugs I've been on is Clomid and Provera.  And I have never had a miscarriage.  I've had it pretty easy so far compared to most.  So I don't want anyone to feel bad for me.   If you want a national feel-bad-for-an-infertile day then I'll give you a list of many other women that have just had their 5th miscarriage or are going through their 3rd try at IVF.

I would much rather bring awareness to the topic that is almost seen at taboo.  No one wants to talk about it but you know it's there.  The world will be all sunshine and rainbows if it didn't exist.  And that's wrong.  I was never afraid of talking about my cervical dysplasia or any STD I might of had.  These things do exist and I want to help others.  It's not something you look down at someone for.  

Never pity me.

CD11, OPK-

New Car

I kind of fell off the face of the internet this past week.  I had a military ball to go to on Friday and then was forced to spend the whole weekend, and now this week, car shopping.

I had another appointment at my GYN on Tuesday.  I'm currently CD36, no +OPK, no +HPT and my BBT looks like an up and down roller coaster.  Another anovulatory cycle.   I was put on  Provera (progesterone) to induce my period and my Clomid was increased from 50mg to 100mg.  No BW or U/S because they weren't sure my insurance would cover it.  So double meds means double mood swings.  Everyones favorite!

If Clomid 100mg and 150mg do not work then he mentioned referring me to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  Again he started talking about having a SA (semen analysis) done on Bean, but at this point it doesn't matter how great or shitty the swimmers are because they have nothing to swim to.

Last weeks accident left my car totaled.  I really liked car and I don't enjoy car shopping.  When I bought my car I didn't care what year it was, the color or the features.  I just wanted that type of car and bought the first one I went to see.  I was easy then.  Not so easy this time.  Awhile ago I mentioned upgrading my husband's truck for a more family friendly vehicle like a smaller SUV.  After driving Tank (the rental car) around for the past week I decided I didn't want a larger vehicle.  I don't need the space.  All I carry around are my pets and photography equipment, nether take up that much space.  There is the occasional airport run but I'm sure there is a bus schedule or something for those people.  I don't have kids and at the rate I'm going the car will be paid off before the ovaries return from their vacation.

I bought a VW New Beetle convertible.  Same car I had before but a few years newer, different color and no roof.  No roof means I lost a lot of trunk space since my backseat no longer folds down.  I figured this choice would be the least family friendly.  I'll be a happy infertile... 

When I go to my GYN appointment to get a refill on my fertility meds or another layer of cell cut off my cervix I'll think of the soccer mom in the mini van.  Especially when I pass them on the highway because they couldn't get to 60MPH in less than 10 second.  Oh the wind blowing threw my hair and the sun on my vitamin D deficient skin.  Enjoy Radio Disney and the stretch marks!

Hidden Text:  York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr.,

Clomid Fail

I tried but I guess my own ovaries didn't.  I charted the temperatures, did the OPKs (sometimes twice a day), used saliva ferning, poked at my cervix, and playing with my CM.  I even tried looking at every tiny symptom I've had as possible ovulation.  The nausea, headaches, pains in the side and the cramping.  And I've got nothing.  Sometimes I think it's been so long since I actually ovulated on my own that I no longer know what I'm supposed to be looking for.

Today is CD20 I finally called the GYN thinking, "what the hell?" I really just wanted an appointment for blood work or something.  They said I ether already ovulated at some point or I'm not going to this cycle.  The nurse told me to start taking HPTs (home pregnancy test) in a few days and stop the OPKs.  I have to call back up if my period is late.

The word "late" is not in my menstrual vocabulary.  At least it hasn't been in the last 10 years.  Late to me would be a cycle lasting longer than 8 months, and by then I probably would have figured out I was pregnant long before.  The nurse told me since my last cycle was 28 days long (because of BCP) that means I'm late after 28 days.  Umm ok?  Whatever, 28 is a short cycle for me and I only have a week before calling back up.

I don't really trust doctors of any kind.  I've had a lot of bad experiences. Most of the time I just feel that I get pushed around.  Dr. Google and I spend most our time together researching different drugs and procedures.  Now I just write down what I want done, and hand it to the doctor at the appointment.  I feel I get the most accomplished that way.

Fucking raisin ovaries, I wish you would come back from vacation so we could get something done.

PS The photos are from a school project I did today on depression. Hey I'm good with that topic!

Hidden Text:  York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr.,

Drawings

The last few months have sucked.

This was going to be a post about a bunch of different random topics.  But after five paragraphs about the same thing I decided to leave the other stuff for a different day.

I moved to a new state last summer, only about 3 hours from the last place we lived.  Originally I was all for the move.  I moved here with a bunch of women I was previously friends with, group move for my husband's job.  So the movers came and took all my things away to delivered in our new home.  Bean's job made him be away for over the first month so I was stuck in the middle of nowhere programing my GPS for the local Wal-Mart.  My "friends" began dropping off the face of the earth.  My pell grant dropped me for school, which means I now have to pay a lot out of pocket.  My mum visited in September & then fell down a flight of stairs right after arriving.  Long night at the ER and a broken wrist later... Then my pet got diagnosed with cancer in October.  His surgery was for December but that fell through when the x-ray came back showing he had an enlarged heart.  After finding out (what felt like) everyone I knew was pregnant and my own missing AF, I decided to make an appointment with a new doctor.  I realized I'm way more broken than I thought.  My "Welcome to (this awesome new state)!" package got pissed on.

After feeling like shit and another argument with Bean about who knows what, he dropped me off at the therapeutic pottery painting studio.  I had nothing I really needed to paint, my house is already filled with tons of cute figurines and bowls.  I picked a small tile and decided to paint that I was feeling instead.  Although what I painted wasn't pretty, it seems to make me feel a little better.

But pottery painting is expensive and I can't have a million little tiles all over my house.  Honestly the one I painted is not something one would display to guests.  Ummm... errr...  So I bought a sketch pad and began drawing how I felt instead.  It really began to help, although the first month most of the drawing were pretty depressing.  Most show some sort of infertility issue, female nudity and/or abuse from my past life.  However, I feel better now.

One morning I woke up from a dream I was having.  It was of myself during natural childbirth and breastfeeding my future child.  It wasn't a scary dream at all, it was a happy one.  I drew what I saw in the dream, post-labor with my new baby.  I've never been a fan of fertility drugs and treatment.  I realized I would never get a chance to experience that happiness if I didn't stop dragging my feet and a least give the drugs a try.

So that is how I got where I am today.

PS My drawing are not that great.  I only took one drawing class in college and I almost failed it.  This is as good as it gets, the others are way worse.

PSS I added some new about me-ish pages on here.

CD10

Wanting Children

My recent need-to-have children.

My mum left me when I was 11.  I don't even remember what it's like to have a mother.  I always just assumes I had no motherly instinct, thus told myself I never wanted my own kids.

I've owned ferrets for about 12 years now.  Many have come and gone.  My Rikki passed away in 2006 and soon after I started looking for another.  Late in the season by I found a breeder with a male that fit what I wanted.  I choose a private breeder this time, they tend to have healthy ferrets with less cases of cancer.  I got photo updates of him every week.  Then I drove eight hours to pick him up, and eight hours home.

My eight week old Munchlet cried when I didn't hold him.  He would drop everything to come see me walk in the door.  He was helpless without me.  He wanted and needed me.  My motherly instinct kicked in, even though he was just a pet.  I though, "maybe I can be a mother".  But I was only 21 at the time, I waited.

I'm now 26, married, financially stable, rent a house.  My husband is five years older with at least another five years in the military.  Most of my friends have children by now.  Sometimes I'm even ostracized because I don't have a toddler or bun in the oven.  But then again why would I want to be around your screaming child or listen to you complain how horrible being pregnant is.

Munchlet was diagnosed with cancer in October.  It's a common, slow-moving cancer called insulinoma.  He still has time, but there is no cure and it will kill him.  I tell people him having insulinoma is normal, a lot of ferrets get it.  It's a way of life.  I stay strong for him.  But I am heartbroken.  He is too young for this, it wasn't supposed to happen so soon.  My "baby", the eight week old baby that has been though everything I have in the past five years, is dying.

My husband and I have been "all natural" for awhile now.  But when you have up to eight months between periods there isn't much hope that something is going to happen.  I've decided to start fertility treatment.  I understand I could get pregnant next cycle or years from now.  I understand I am high rate for miscarriage.    But I need to at least give it a try.  I need to move onto a different stage of my life.

Blaming Google

Doctors Appointment 3/7

New OB/GYN today.  It was kind of weird.  And every time he starting talking about a different medicine or procedure I would already know all about it, sometimes the pro, cons, side effects, what it's used for.  Maybe I just have too much GYN knowledge.  I blame Google.

• I have my first ultrasound next week, pelvic (lower stomach) and transvaginal (inside).  Looking for PCOS and/or whatever else they can find.

• I have PCOS, whether or not they find cysts on the ultrasound.  A mild case, I guess. 
• I have: acne (but getting better, my back is the worst), irregular periods (very irregular), obesity (maybe, BMI 29), breathing problems while sleeping (I'm a ENT mess), oily skin (goes w/ the acne), infertility (yeah...), elevated blood pressure (thanks to Microgestin), excess hair growth (I guess, I have hair?), pain in abdomen (sore ovaries), mood swings (it comes w/ being female), anovulation,  dandruff (but cleared up since I use henna). 
• I don't have: skin tags, skin discolorations, high cholesterol, smaller breast (opposite there), deeper voice, thinning hair (super thick hair here), darkening skin.  The irregular periods are the worst though.

• He thinks I'm anovulatory, or very, very close to it.  

• My blood pressure keeps increasing.  It was 120/80 three months ago before starting Microgestin. Last month it was 130/80.  Now it's 140/90.  

• I start Clomid 50mg day 3-7 next week.

• I also need to start using OPK (ovulation predictor kits).  Already bought these from Amazon.

So I got what I wanted out of the appointment, an ultrasound and Clomid.

My ENT ran a full thyriod check, it came back normal.  So no hypothyroidism.  I do have a vitamin d deficiency.  Could explain why I am so tired.  I need to take my vitamins more often, at least 1000 IU/day.

I also found this website: Taking Charge of Your Fertility. They have charts you can create for everything fertility related.

Hidden Text:  York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr.,

Broken

I'm broken, I've known for awhile now.  It's pretty obvious.

I decided to start this because I think pregnancy blogs are a great way to document the 9 months.  Unfortunately I'm not pregnant, I'm broken instead.  Sorry, not ultrasound photos or cute photos of my growing belly (it might be growing, but it's not cute).

So here is the story how I got this way:

I got my period just like any other girl.  Nothing odd there, it was even regular back then.  But when I was 16 I skipped a month, then another month, then a couple months... That pattern continued. I now get my period anywhere from 3 weeks to 8 months apart, lasting 3 days to 3 weeks long.  It almost sounds kind of awesome, but now I'm 26, married and ready for a child.  I want to know why I'm like this.  I've also had two LEEPs to remove precancerous cells from my cervix when I was 19 and 24.  That is a while other set of problems...

In the past I have been on Ortho Novum, Ortho Evra (the patch), Depo-Provera (the shot), nothing, Depo again, Yaz, nothing and now Microgestin (Loestrin).  The ones with estrogen are supposed to "fix" me.  They really just hide what is wrong until I get off them again.  That and the side effects are horrible.  The progestin only ones are great, no side effects, except they stop my period all together.

I've been to probably 10 OB/GYNs in the past years (we are military, I move around a lot.)  I said before I moved here I would get myself "fixed", or something like that.  Of course I stalled for 6 months to make an appointment (normal for me.)

December 2010:

First appointment with new GYN.  I have a body temperature of 94.8°F on two different thermometers.  I'm sent for a TSH thyroid test after the doctor felt my neck up.  I'm told it came back normal.  GYN couldn't find my cervix during my pap smear, a lot of scarring & very small opening due to second LEEP.  I'm put on Microgestin for 6-12 months to correct my irregular period.

February 2011:

Another GYN appointment to switch my Microgestin, that was running out, to the patch (less side effects & easier to use).  Doctor told me I had to stay on Microgestin for at least another month.  Blood pressure increased from 120/80 to 130/80.  I asked for testing for PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome). I'm informed it is just an ultrasound & GYN wouldn't authorize it.  I got the "no testing, no treatment, no need to know" speech and told all they can do is keep me on Microgestin.  I'm told to come back in 4 weeks to recheck the blood pressure & more Microgestin.

March 2011:

Ditched that GYN & had appointment at my regular primary doctor to get a referral to another OB/GYN (military policy).  I'm told I'm most likely having anovulatory cycles (stopped ovulation). Microgestin will not fix that & I'm taken off it.  My thyroid test (from December) came back at 4.08, slight hypothyroidism (underactive).  Could be the cause of my problem.  I'm maked down for Oligomenorrhea (4-9 periods/year, 35+ days) for the first time, even though I've know that's what I've been for years.

I have an appointment with my new OB/GYN on Monday.  I'm worried I'm not fixable...