Much Better Day

Special Puppy

After many phone calls and rushing my old records (which were supposed to be transferred over a month ago) we finally got what we wanted.

Provera & Pregnancy Tests

They gave me Provera.  Same 10mg but seven days this time.  I'm on day two of seven and I usually get AF 14 days after the last pill.  So CD1 in about three weeks.

Before the Provera they made me get a pregnancy test.  A urine PG test.  What is that?  I thought I would explain the two types of PG tests.

• Qualitatively - Meaning you get a "yes" or "no" if hCG is found.  Never a maybe.  This is with all urine tests (lab or at home) & some blood tests. 
• Quantitatively - You get a number of how much hCG is found.  Results are based on the number, so < 5 is not PG, 5 to 25 maybe, and > 25 is pregnant.  This is always blood and used by all REs.  I've never heard of an RE using a urine test.  This is also good because after multiple blood tests they can look at the trends in number to see if there is a problem with the pregnancy.  In the infertile world this is simply know as "beta".  

After being infertile this long I feel like a urine test is too much work for me.  Blood tests I just hop up on the chair, they stick me with a needle and then 30 second later I'm patched up and out of there.  It's more "painful" for me sitting in the overly crowded waiting room than the actual needle.  The urine test they gave me a bag with a cup, wipes and stickers and told me where the bathroom was.  Next I'm standing the the bathroom looking at the 12 steps on the wall of instruction on how to give a urine sample.   Then wondering to myself if this is enough pee to fulfill their 30ml requirement.  This is too much work, just stick me with a needle next time.  Anyways, it was negative.

Clomid Increased 

They decided to give me the Clomid this cycle, as long as I go to the high risk appointment on the 26th.  This also means I am doing Ovidrel with IUI.  Yay!

Last week they wanted Clomid 50mg for me.  After reviewing my records today they decided to increase my dose to 100mg.  Though I still hate Clomid I have more hope in 100 over 50.  

Frozen Sperm

We went into Seattle to freeze Bean's sperm yesterday.  It went well.  I don't have a count or any other numbers.  But he did produce one vial worth for freezing.  It's sperm in the freezer so I should be happy.  And we do plan on doing it a couple more times in the next few weeks.  But does one vial per ejaculation sound normal?  I'm trying to Google and it seems like only one is used per IUI.  Sustained all of Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  

I'm so grateful that Bean goes along with these ideas.  I know it's not easy to jerk off in a strange room with people walking around outside. 

Blood Work

Last Friday I has another series of blood work, seven vials this time.  I looked at my hand after he got done and it turned purple with white spots.  It was pretty amusing to me.  Today I picked up the results.

	Selbe's	Normal Range
Estradiol	134	27 - 433 pg/mL*
DHEA	205	18 - 391 ug/dL
LH	14.31	1.2 - 103.03 mIU/mL**
FSH	6.28	1.79 - 22.51 mIU/mL ***
Prolactin	10.53	3.34 - 26.72 ng/mL
Insulin	8.86	1.9 - 23 uIU/mL
Creatinine	0.8	0.6 - 1 mg/dL
ALT	32	30 - 65 U/L
Fasting Glucose	92	70 - 110 mg/dL
TSH	1.38	0.34 - 4.82 uIU/mL
Testosterone	68	2 - 45 mg/dL
HgbA1C	5.1	4.3 - 6.1 %
17-OHP	79	< 285 ng/dL ****

* Estradiol - Mid-follicular phase: 27-122;  Periovulatory: 95-433;  Mid-luteal phase: 49-291

** LH - Follicular phase: 2.12-10.89;  Mid-cycle: 19.18-103.03;  Luteal: 1.2-12.86

*** FSH - Follicular phase: 3.85-8.78;  Mid-cycle: 4.54-22.51;  Luteal: 1.79-5.12; Postmenopausal: 16.74-113.59

**** 17-OHP - Follicular phase: <185; Luteal phase: <285

A few of those with the *'s depend on where I am in my cycle.  Since I'm CD60 I'm guessing I'm in the luteal phase?  I'm sure that isn't right because I never ovulated.  The only number that is high is my testosterone and that is common for a women with PCOS.

IVF

I was told yesterday the IVF wait list is at about 9 months right now.  But it could become shorter if other people drop out of the program.

-Selbe

New RE

Source

17dpo, still BFN.  No signs of AF.  No spotting, the little cramping I had is now gone and cervix is hard.  I had some pulling/sharp pain the other day.  Nausea is still there, some days getting worse.  Just trying to make sure I have small meals often and there is no meal products. 

I don't know what's wrong with me though.  Maybe I never ovulated?  Why do I feel like shit though?

I had a doctors appointment yesterday to get a referral to a new RE. With my insurance I need a referral from my PCM (primary doctor) to see an OB/GYN, RE or any speciality doctor.  I moved so that means I need to get all new referrals.  

With my nausea, missing period and sore boobs she ran a beta hCG.  She mentioned they'd call me by the end of the day if it was positive.  I guess that means they won't call if it was negative?  Yeah they didn't call.  

But that does mean I get the referral to move to another MTF (military treatment facility).  There I can start IUI, whenever they can get me in for an appointment.  

-Selbe

RE Appointment 3/15

Pre-op was pre-op.  I already had the surgery before, nothing new.  Just signed a bunch of papers. 

Friday morning (tomorrow 8dpo-ish) I have progesterone and estrogen blood work.  RE is going to check where I am in my cycle.  And the progesterone will tell if I ovulated.

Wednesday morning (13dpo-ish) I'll have another beta hCG to check for pregnancy.  Assuming the progesterone is decent.  If I get like a .2 on progesterone then no beta, I didn't ovulate anyways.

Thursday morning I have surgery.  Assuming I'm not pregnant.

Last night I told Bean I felt pregnant.  He said his usual, "OK".  Asked how I knew I ovulated and I told him about the pain I had last week.  I'm not sure if I ever told him, or he just wasn't listening.  This morning I showed him my daily HPT (the one in the photo, and said I said daily) and told him I saw a line.  He response, "OK".  I think he's done with my mess.  My craziness for made up symptoms and invisible lines.  He doesn't want to get him hopes up, I understand.    

-Selbe

Feeling Pregnant

Sometimes I still feel pregnant.

Dumb, I know.  I don't know if it is because I might be in my two week wait (I don't know for sure), or my progesterone is higher than normal, or that since I have been pregnant before I now know the symptoms to look for.  Maybe even making up those symptoms.

Like today for example.  I keep getting nauseous.  I eat and it goes away, but an hour later it returns.  I had a Luna bar for breakfast.  I started getting nauseous and was starving by first break at work, so I had my Greek yogurt and flax seeds (what was supposed to be my lunch).  Nauseous and starving again, for lunch I went and bought food.  By break two, same story.  I finished my lunch then.  Same thing when it was time to go home.  Then I thought the last time I got these short bouts of nausea was right before I found out I was pregnant, and didn't know what it was yet.  Come to think about it I was starving then too.  My stupid mind things maybe I am pregnant?

I quickly push that thought aside.  

 BFN (negative) after miscarriage

Same goes for the pregnancy tests.  Even though my beta was <5 last week sometimes I swear I still see a faint double line.  I have to be going insane.  That or my test are super sensitive.  Or now that I know where the second line is supposed to be I imagine it there.  

Or squishing my boob because I think they might be sore when moved a certain way.

The most practical answer is I'm a crazy infertile and probably making things up hoping to look for a way I might be pregnant.  

Fucking crazy...

Have any of you post-miscarriage women done the same thing?

And I'm nauseous again...

My body is exhausted from work.  I just worked the last six days in a row, 42 hours total.  I want to sleep forever.  And my back is killing me.  Today starts my weekend though and I'm happy for that.

My pre-op appointment is Thursday for my surgery.  I might mention to the RE the ovulation type pain I had last week and "accidentally" having sex twice around that time (nothing is a fucking accident in infertility).  Maybe get him to do a progesterone test on me Friday to see where my levels are.  The surgery can't be done on someone who is pregnant, it will kill the baby.  You're supposed to use protection CD1 and on to prevent against pregnancy.  Well I never had a CD1 after my D&C, so yeah, no protection was used.

The menstrual cramps I was having have gone away.  I thought they were going to be the start of AF, my first period since my D&C (it's been almost 7 weeks!)  It got worse and worse, then went away.  Fucking cock tease.  Well never mind there.

-Selbe

Not Pregnant

Beta @ 5 weeks, 6 days Pregnant - 5,944 mIU/ml

Beta @ 1 week post-D&C - 470 mIU/ml

Beta @ 3 weeks, 1 day post-D&C - 9 mIU/ml

Beta @ 4 weeks, 1 day post-D&C - 5 mIU/ml

Beta @ 6 weeks, 1 day post-D&C - 0 mIU/ml

ZERO!  

I am officially "not pregnant".

This is probably one of the few times on this infertility blog that I will be happy to say I am not pregnant.  Well not pregnant hormonally.  I haven't been pregnant pregnant in over 6 weeks.  Six fucking weeks for my hCG to drop down again.

I bought myself a margarita tonight.  Though I probably would have got one ether way because I'm a proud drunk.

I'm still having slight cramping and occasional ovary pain.  Cramping I'm not sure what that is.  Menstrual like cramping like the start of my period.  Maybe it's like the last time I took Provera and cramped for two weeks before ever getting AF.  The ovary pain is just my right side.  Maybe a cyst, or maybe my ovary just hates me.  Probably too late after a D&C to ovulate, though it felt like ovulation pains.

-Selbe

Beta #6

Fucking five.  I have to go back again for another beta.  Are you kidding me?

March 9th - Another date with the vampires for beta #7.  

March 15th - Pre-op for Hysteroscopy, not that I really need a pre-op considering the other surgeries I've been through.  There's nothing else to really explain that I don't already know.  

March 22nd - Hysteroscopy, whatever.

March 29th - Post-op.  

March 31st - Bean and I both leave our current job.  We are looking at getting the moves to come the first week in April, couple days of cleaning if needed, then we are heading across country to our new home.

-Selbe

Grrr!

I haven't been feeling amazing the last couple days.  Everyone at work is sick.  I decided to take a HPT, not sure why.  The cheap Wondfro one looks like it has two lines.  I stared at it in every light, took pictures of it with and without the flash.  So I went to Walgreens and bought a First Response Early Results 6 Days Sooner.  (Where they are way over priced, BTW.)  That has a slight second line too.  Maybe I'm imagining it.  

I'm 9dpo today.  My hCG beta was 9 last week, meaning it would be lower today.  I'm not sure the sensitivity of these two brands.  I don't understand why they would pick up on <9.  

I'm more annoyed.  This is like "happy new pregnancy" but probably isn't.  I'm not a lucky person.  It's probably leftover pregnancy hormones, or broken tests, or leftover parts they didn't get from the D&C.  Something other than a successful pregnancy.  I hate pregnancy test.  I'm going to keep taking them though.  

-Selbe

Beta #5

Nine.

If it's less than 5 mIU/ml, then you are not pregnant.  If it's greater than 25 mIU/ml, then you are pregnant.  Somewhere in between is the grey area.  HPT have a sensitivity around 20-50, depending on the brand.  My HPTs have been negative for a little bit now.  I'll just label myself as "not pregnant" since I am in the grey area.  Unfortunately that is not good for most REs and I have another beta next week.  I'm not sure if he is looking for <5 or 0, ether way 9 is not good enough.  The vampire at the RE office gets more of my blood.  

A low beta like this means my body can start functioning normally again as a non-pregnant person.  I'll ovulate and get my period again.  Well hopefully, as long as my PCOS doesn't have anything to do with it.

Maybe I already ovulated?  Ovacue is looking amazing for a broken person.  My numbers went from mid 150's to 390's for the switch after ovulation.  Except now 400 is the highest it goes and I seem to be going over that and causing an error on the reader.  This seems to be a rare problem in some women.  Maybe I have too much progesterone.  I'll just wait my 15 days for sore boobs and my period, that't the only 100% sure thing.

March 5th marks the one year anniversary of this infertility-pregnancy-back to infertility blog.  I'm sure they'll be a "party" or something.

I've begun to notice there is a different between a miscarriage between a fertile and a miscarriage between an infertile.  This blog has become my lastest bitch-fest for my loss.  Sometimes I even worry if I'm out of line with my thoughts or going insane.  Maybe I'm taking it harder than I should?  Maybe I'm not 100% understanding what has happened and trying to move on too quick?  Every once and awhile I'll stumble along another site for pregnancy loss or writen by an infertile women who has just miscarriage too.  I don't feel so bad, their feelings are the same as my own.

My next beta is 2/24 (11dpo if Ovacue is right).  Then I need to make an appointment early March with Dr. H for my pre-op for my hysteroscopy at the end of March.

-Selbe

Numb

I have a fear I learned about today.  I was reading Katie's post on how she told her husband she was pregnant.  (Congrats by the way!)  I was thinking back to the effort I put into telling Bean about our pregnancy.  Would I do something similar for my next pregnancy?  Probably not, I probably won't do anything special.  I regret putting effort into the pregnancy, for nothing.  

I even fear seeing my own positive pregnancy test.  Will I associate it with happiness and bringing home a baby in 9 months?  Or will I associate it with sadness, losing my baby and needing surgery.  Does a positive pregnancy test automatically mean D&C for me?  This scares me.

Emotionally I feel OK.  Even after everything I know I need to suck it up and move on.  There is no need to sit around and cry about the past.  It's the past and I can't go back and fix it.  There was something wrong with my baby from the beginning.  No amount of folic acid or whatever else I could talk myself into that I did wrong would change that.  Same for Munchlet.  I did above and beyond the typical ferret care.  He had special food his whole life, the organic laundry detergent, best ferret vet in New England and best health care money could buy.  I took better care of him that I think some idiots do for their own children.  But he still got cancer and died, nothing would have changed that.  Only thing I can do is pick up the pieces and move on.  I'm putting a wall up, I admit it.  All the sadness goes on the other side of the wall while I can go on with my life.  I fear the day that the wall might come crashing down.

My pregnancy hormones are dropping.  Looking at how light my pregnancy tests are I'm expecting my beta to hit zero (or close to it) by my next test on the 16th.  I no longer have the pregnancy exhaustion.  (And my boobs haven't been sore for awhile.)  I slept so well during my pregnancy, I loved it.  As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out for the whole night.  I got the best sleep then.  

Now I am exhausted for other reasons.  I'm not sleeping well at all.  I lay there for long periods of time.  When I go fall asleep I don't stay asleep for long.  My dreams are more fear and nightmares.  Today I woke up from a nap about Munchlet and him passing away.  I was crying during the whole dream (but not in real life).  Same thing happened the other day about my baby.  I don't feel like I rest.  The sleep is more emotionally draining than anything.  I wish I wasn't dreaming at all.  So everyday I am tired from my lack of good sleep.  

I feel these dreams come from a lack of emotional outbursts that I should be having.  Instead they are behind a wall and I am numb from everything.    

I'm OK if I don't get pregnant this cycle, if you could even call it a cycle.  I don't think I'm ovulating anyways.

Source

I consulted Cheri22 again.  I figured she was right before about AUGUST, since my due date was August 25th.  Maybe this psychic I've never met and found on the Internet does know something.  Or maybe it was just a coincidence.  Who knows.  Anyways I'm updated to APRIL and GIRL.  April is the month the baby will be born in, conceived or found out about.  Bean did ask me if we got pregnant in August what month the baby would be born in.  April is the answers.  August is a long ways off when you are no longer pregnant.

-Selbe

Beta #4

470.  Better than I expected.  

My last pregnancy beta was almost 6,000 at 5 weeks, 6 days.  I don't know how high it got to before I miscarried.  So 470 is good with me for a week after a D&C, since I thought it would be a lot higher still. I go back in two week for another hCG beta.

My pregnancy betas went up so quick.

• 86 @ 18dpo
• 251 @ 20dpo - 31 hour doubling
• 5944 @ 27dpo - 37 hour doubling

I'm not sure I trust betas equalling a healthy pregnancy.  Mine were great, even better than average.  And I have nothing to show for it.

-Selbe

It's 9AM Somewhere

CD8

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." - My new favorite quote.

One week post D&C.  I feel fine.  My RE told me no sex for 7 days.  I made it 6 days 'til the night before and told Bean a couple hours will not hurt, and that it's 9AM somewhere (about the time my D&C was done).  I got my way.  The bleeding had stopped the day before and there was no pain.  I did have a little bit for red blood after the act but that has since stopped too.  

My biggest issues are 1. dizziness; 2. exhaustion.  The dizziness has good and bad days.  I'm trying to suck it up.  Exhaustion is from high pregnancy hormones still in my body, everything I've been though physically and mentally, and from my really bad allergies that are at their worse this time of year.  And I'm really stubborn sometimes so it is hard to get me to sit down and rest.

PG test week after D&C

My next hCG beta blood test is in the morning.  This will tell me much how much pregnancy hormones are still floating around in me.  Hope for low numbers, probably will not happen though.  My pregnancy tests are still coming out really dark.

I returned to the gym tonight.  I was watching a show about weight loss (TLC show, My 600-lb Life) via gastric bypass surgery.  The women had become pregnant after losing all this weight.  My first thought is this show sucks now as they showed how excited they were at ultrasound #1.  But then the baby's heart stopped and it showed her going for a D&C.  I can relate now.  The husband came on to say how long they were trying for and how happy they were, only to have it ripped away so soon.  Unfortunately this is an all too common story.  Not sure if the D&C was all hyped up for TV, but I handling it way better than this women.  I had no tears surgery day, in fact I was smiling because this crappy road was coming to an end.  I knew my baby was gone and there was nothing that could be done.  There is no point in carrying my dead child around in the uterus any longer, it was time to move on.  And I sure as hell wasn't laying in the backseat of the car whining in pain or crying the whole way home.   So if you are scheduled for a D&C don't watch that episode.

Loki on Graduation Day

I watched another women at the gym tonight.  I always want to know what others are lifting so I can compare myself.  My arms are a lot weaker than the rest of my body, 30-90lbs I can lift.  Next my abs, 70-90lbs.  Then my legs, 130-230lbs.  I'm not super skinny at all.  I'm 5'1", 150lbs. and my BMI is around 28 which puts me right under obese.  (Stomach 7 weeks pregnant.)  I haven't been to the gym in weeks due to being on restriction and so tired.  When I see women similar in size and age to me, but lifting way less, taking huge breaks between reps, texting, and most likely not one week post surgery, well I don't feel so crappy.  

My little puppy finished his first obedience class on Tuesday.  He turned 3 months old on January 21st.  It was only the really basic puppy class.  He learned sit, lay down, come, and stand.  I got him at 7 weeks old and signed him up for classes before he even came home (I wanted to be prepared).  So he had a hard time concentrating in the class since he is so young.  I felt bad for the trainer since a few of the classes he just wasn't with it.  But this week he graduated.  Bean and I took him to pick out a toy for his present.  Well $20 bucks later he now has a new favorite toy with many "indestructible" squeakers. *sigh*  Least he's happy.

-Selbe

Day Four

Bean & I

CD 6

As for my D&C I'm doing fine.  Some minor cramping, nothing too painful.  My bleeding has become less and less, and turned from red to brown.  Some "chunks" but I've seen worse.  I'm also a little moody, like PMS or Clomid angry.  So it just feels like a normal period.  

A commenter wrote on one of my other posts that CD1 starts when my hCG = zero, and that O might be later.  I'm still going to count the D&C as CD1 and keep counting from there.  It just makes it easier to keep track of things right now.  And then maybe restart CD1 once hCG is zero, or something.  I'm sure that will not be for awhile ether way.  

In December I mentioned I didn't care if I got pregnant or not, as long as I ovulated.  Same holds true now.  My ovaries need to go back to kindergarden.  Step 1:  Mature egg(s),  Step 2: Release them.  We can figure out the whole sperm and sex thing later on.  You can fill my uterus with swimmer until it's completely full but it will still do no good.  I don't care if I ovulate late, or if my real period just shows up randomly.  But for the love of PCOS, please ovaries don't make me sit around 'til CD90 and end up on Provera again.  Just do something, anything!

If I can get knocked up without fertility drugs, and some weird herbal stuff I bought on Amazon, then I'm going to get knocked up again on the weird herbal stuff.  This will be my approach until I get desperate enough to spend the $3k on an IUI.  The herbal stuff (Vitex) makes you poop a lot.  I forgot about this side effect when I started it last fall.  Oh well, my system with stabilize again and I'll be back to normal soon.

What's most annoying side effect from this whole thing?  I can't find its connection but I'm still really dizzy.  Actually I Googled it because I wasn't sure the different between dizzy, lightheaded and vertigo.

Loki & I

• The stuff around me is moving.  Sometimes it just randomly moves.  Other times I turn my head a certain way.  Or I blink and when I open my eyes it is moving.  Only lasts a few second then returns to normal again.  This happens when I'm standing or sitting, but not when I'm laying down.  - This is vertigo.
• When vertigo happens I feel like I'm going to fall down.  Or pass out, or hit the floor.  It's scary, especially at work.  I don't want to fall. - This is lightheadedness.

I feel like I'm drunk.  I went to a dinner this past Saturday.  I didn't drink or dance, or do any type of moving around really.  Just sat there.  I planned on drinking but didn't feel good all day and when I went to the bathroom I couldn't get the bathroom to stop moving.  I figured mixing booze and my current state wouldn't turn out well.  (PS it was an 80's party.  I added some photos since I'm normally bad about that.)

I've tried Sea Band, Dramamine and ginger ale.  Nothing works.  I don't know where it is coming from.  My shitty lagging pregnancy symptoms, surgery, future ear infection on the way, trauma?  If anyone has any tips on how to make it go away they will be greatly appreciated.  My appointment with my primary doctor isn't for a couple weeks for this.

-Selbe

Day Two

CD3

Nothing too bad yet.  

I had some mild cramping today, not anything worse than menstrual cramps.  I took some Iburprofen before returning to work today incase I got stuck and even more pain.  

I'm doing better than I thought with the Doxycycline.  Last night I got it down fine by taking it before a meal.  No nausea or vomiting.  This morning the same.  But tonight I began getting nauseous about an hour after taking it.  I laid down and my stomach felt better.  This is also a drug you are not supposed to take with food.  Fuck that.  I say it doesn't matter.  It stays in my stomach, that is all that should matter.

Bleeding is like a light period.  I get a few drops and then nothing for a few more hours.  I was excepting worse.  I bought a bunch of heavy overnight pads for this special event.  (I can't use normal pads anymore, I ether bleed out the front or bleed out the back.  Not sure why since I have a small frame.)  I've moved to pantiliners since I can't use tampons.  Not sure why it is so light, I heard heavy for a week or two.  Maybe this is all I have, or the rest is coming for me soon, or they got it all out during the D&C.

I'm hoping for the pregnancy hormones to get out of me sooner rather than later.  I'm still really exhausted.  Come 9 or 10PM I start going downhill quick.  My boobs are still sore, not as bad as before and at night.  My dizziness is still there.  

My next "pregnancy test" is Thursday.  Nothing like one of those appointments you have to drag your feet to.  I honestly was thinking of skipping out on this experience all together until the RE mentioned some "rare" condition where not all of the placenta is removed and buries itself into the uterine wall.  Not sure the name since this was right before I was drugged.  But I agreed to test out the hCG because I don't want baby chunks inside me.  There, he scared me.

I need to change my Post-op appointment because I found out I work that morning.  Not like it matters. I'm not going forward with injectable anytime soon.  And I don't think the RE requested testing on the baby, least not with my consent.  If it was really big news the RE would have told us something before we left the surgery center, instead we got an "everything looks good" which I was drugged for and don't remember.

My biggest excitement for this cycle is testing out my new fertility monitor.  I started this morning, being CD2 and all... kinda.  I can't use the internal part for another week or so.  No penis', no tampons, no fingers, no special rubber toys, no internal vag readers for at least 7 days.  Those things are all "dirty".  No dirt in vagina.  

I did return to work today.  I just was told not to lift anything heavy, and something else maybe.  Anyways I survived.  

-Selbe

D&C Surgery

CD1... fucking again

Today was my D&C for my baby boy.  Although the board in the OR and my paper work says D&E.  I tired Googling to find the difference, only thing I could find the D&C is for first trimester, D&E for second.  Though they might just be used interchangeably.  

1/25 11:30 PM - Last meal of birthday cake and leftover french fries.  Real healthy!

1/26 12:15 AM - Last drink of water, don't tell anymore I drank past midnight!

Bracelets

7:00 AM - Wake up.  Braid my new blue hair. (Another post there.)

7:45 - Leave for surgery center for our 8:30 appointment.  So hungry and thirsty.  Bean decides to leave my 3 month old puppy out in the house unattended.  Tons of toys so "he'll be fine".

8:10 - Arrive and get registered.  New hospital bracelets.

8:15 - Waiting room.  I look around at all the other women there for Dr. H.  I wonder what they are there for.  Maybe they lost their babies too, or for a lap surgery like I had in October, or something else.  

Future

Tomorrow morning is my next U/S with my RE.  I can't say I'm looking forward to it really, but I am eager to see the results.  I don't know if I want to see the screen or have them turn it away from the start.  I know from the second they put the wand in I'll know something is very different, or exactly the same as Friday.  I'll automatically see it blinking or not (heart).  I'll know without them even saying a word that my baby is gone.  Maybe it will be better that way.  Even though I feel this baby is already gone I want to find out the truth.  But right now there is a tiny chance I am still PG with a healthy baby in there, but after the U/S I'll know 100% for sure.  

I really just want to move on.  I don't feel like I can actually move on 'til it is physically out of me.  But when will that be?  When my body naturally decided, 'til the RE can schedule me for an D&C?  It could be days, or weeks.  I want it out NOW.  I want to move on now.  

Bean and I have thought of some things we could change for the next PG.

Future

Trying again:

• Both of us have decided we want to try again soon after this MC ends.
• Since this PG resulted from Vitex, Softcups and Preseed we are going to try that mixture again.
• If for some reason my Vitex has stopped working I will move to injectables in the next few months.
• My progesterone looked good each time I went in, so they said.  I don't think I'll need a progesterone supplement.
• My husband is scheduled to be gone long periods of time over the next couple years.  We might move to IUI with his frozen sperm so I don't have to give up all together during this time.
• I don't want to give up on this dream.

What I regret from this PG:

• I'm not upset I told people close to me.  It has actually helped me so I don't feel totally alone.  And having my coworkers know about the PG and now MC makes them understand why I haven't been there much this week and that I'm not a total flake.
• Being happy.  I'm so upset I wasted so much time and energy feeling happy after the TTC journey.  I have nothing to show for it.  Next time I'm going to ignore the PG (well not ignore ignore to the point of drinking alcohol & not taking vitamins) but put less happiness into it at first.  Till 20 weeks or 24.  But then I feel I'll miss part of it.  I don't know where I'm going with this.  I'm just angry I was so fucking happy for nothing. 
• Not having more photos or physical items to hold onto.  Then again there isn't too much you can collect in 3 weeks.  Maybe I'll get a babies first Christmas ornament for 2012 or something.  
• Buying things.  This goes with being happy and excited.  I'm not really too upset I bought some clothes.  I've always had a baby bin in the basement I toss things in.  And I'm a military wife so there is always some newly married youngest having a baby shower that I'm invited to.  I'll just give the stuff I don't absolutely love to them.  (I fucking hate baby showers.  Everyone always woos over the mum-to-be & I'm made to play that stupid don't say baby game.  I'm too bitter at most of them that I don't say much so I do pretty well at the game.)  
• Wasting my time researching products.  Although I know pretty much all the products I want for my newborn baby I am still unsure the actually brand and models (like carseat).  So I decided each week of my PG I would pick a product and research the best brands and features I want.  This week it was cloth diapers, and I narrowed it down to a couple brand.  Though now my research has changed from that to different types of abortions to have done.

Things I'll do different next time:

• Drink more water.
• Maybe more vegetables, though I don't eat that unhealthy anyways.
• Omega supplement I was suposed to look into but never got around to.
• Stop Vitex post O.  Though I don't think that will make much difference.
• Gym:  Probably nothing different there since I got put on restriction at 6 weeks.  I wish I had a healthy baby/reproductive system and could still work out light during my PG.  So many women don't do anything at all and I actually want to and can't.
• Notify work early early on just how high risk I really am.

Medical:

• Beta hCG BW I had done early on.  My numbers were amazing, like super amazing.  A 35 hour doubling time each time that set me up for a healthy pregnancy.  Except it didn't.  I don't want my beta done next time.  If those numbers mean MC then no number I ever get will be good enough.  I'd just rather not know.  Bean is on the fence since they tell if the PG is ectopic, which is still a risk for future PG.  Maybe I'll just have the nurse tell me "good" or "bad" instead of a number.
• Ultrasounds.  Bean says no more 'til much later on since they are just too painful.  I am still on the fence.

-Selbe

Fertile Infertile?

There has always been a line between being fertile and infertile.  You can't really be both.  When you are infertile you look at an fertile as being naive, always happy.  The grass is definitely greener on their side.  We long to stand on that nice grass, instead we are put through more pain.  Pain in the form of disappointment or in the form of physical pain from our bodies or medical procedures.  We feel most fertile don't want to be bothered with knowing about the pain infertile women go through.  Sure there are a few excepts and I have some great real life friends that are interested in what is going on with my uterus.  But for the most part (like many things) if it doesn't effect you or someone you know personally then it is kind of out of mind.  I'm not exactly sure how fertiles see infertiles since I've never been one.  That's just my opinion from my side of the line.

Two weeks ago I go to cross the line to the fertile side.  I am currently 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant.  I am very happy.   But I don't feel like a "fertile".  I'm not one of them, I've seen too much, I've been infertile for too long.  Those pregnant women are different from me.

Up until now the only forums I've been apart of online are for infertile, ether certain drugs I've been on, military spouses or just general ones.  I fit best there.  I still visit those groups but I don't post much anymore because I don't want to rub my pregnancy in.  I decided to join a few pregnancy groups, particular for women due in August also.  I don't fit there ether.  

• These women are naive.  They have a very limited knowledge about pregnancy.  They don't believe anything bad could ever happen.
• These women complain about their symptoms.  I got it, you feel like crap.  I few people that posted were concerned about their lack of symptoms (lack or decrease can sometimes hint towards miscarriage).  They have every right to be worried, some have already gone through several MC.  One person mentioned how "lucky" they are that they don't have symptoms.  All depend on how you look at it.  Honestly I'd rather feel like crap and have every symptom in the book, then MC or be infertile.  I've been infertile too long. I know every time a fertile complains about morning sickness or whatever other issues they've had there are a handful of infertile women that would give anything to vomit everyday for 9 months straight if that meant they were bringing a baby home at the end of it.  
• They complain about their lack of medical care, ultrasounds or doctors appointments compared to the other women in the group.  Most OBGYNs won't even see a women 'til they are 8-12 weeks, and some won't even give an u/s 'til 20 weeks.  The women that have the u/s early are high risk or have gone through some fertility treatment.  If anything they deserve something out of the deal.  Leave them alone.

Next topic....

I'm going to try and have more faith in the baby.  My biggest fear right now is MC.  I've been trying for too long to have it finally given to me and then taken away so quick.  But after the last cry fest I realized something.  If it were to happen there is nothing that can be done to prevent it so I just have to let nature take its course.  

I really was looking forward to seeing the baby's heartbeat at the u/s the other day.  I knew I wouldn't see much ether way because it is too early.  And everything is way too small right now to get an answer ether way.  I was taken back by measuring around 5 weeks vs 6 weeks.  I'm 90% sure on the day I O'ed, I mean with the OPKs.  But it could have been later I guess.  I was thinking after beta #1 at 18dpo that was only 86.  That is low on average for 18dpo, not impossible but more close to 13.5dpo (Beta Base).  Same with 20dpo = average 16.5; however, 26dpo = average 26dpo.  And I didn't get my first BFP 'til 15dpo, kind of late.  Maybe my O date is off, or the embryo implanted late.  Ether one of those could throw my dates off by several days and push be back to 5 weeks.  I am not worried about it, the RE is not worried about it.  He wouldn't have told me about getting sent back to the OBGYN if he didn't think the baby would make it.  

I've had more symptoms the last couple days.  Sore and itchy boobs, almost threw up my vitamins today, peed a lot.  And a lot more cramps, pressure/full cramps.  I wouldn't feel the pressure of my uterus growing if there was no baby.  I have faith in you baby, I'm sure there will be a heartbeat at the next u/s.

-Selbe

Beta #3

5,944!

I needed 1500-2000 to be considered "normal", or a doubling time of 72-96 hours (it slows down as the beta gets higher).  My doubling time was only 37 hours.

Could be:

• Molar Pregnancy :(
• Multiple babies in there (not an 100% though)
• Just one good little baby

My first ultrasound is January 10th (7wk, 3days).

-Selbe

5wk, 6days

Beta #2

Source

I spent an hour and a half crying this morning in fear of the beta results.  Bean ended up taking me to my 7am appointment with my eyes all red and puffy.  I got upset because my boobs were not sore this morning.

So I got an 86 on Wednesday. 

The standard doubling time (how long it takes for two beta numbers to double) is 48 hours, but up to 72 hours is still normal.  

• 48 hours = 172 beta
• 72 hours = 136 beta

OB wants an 60-80% increase in numbers in 48 hours.

• 60% = 137 beta
• 80% = 155 beta

I got a 251 today!  Meaning a 31 hour doubling time or 192%!  Baby is ahead of schedule. 

Numbers are going up too quick to probably be ectopic.

My next beta is next Friday. 

-Selbe

4wk, 6days

Appointments 12/21

Source 

RE

Went OK.  I just went to monitoring hour so I only see the nurse then, not the actual doctor.

They called back this afternoon to tell me my beta is 86.

OBGYN

He can't do much to check for an ectopic this early.  I need a beta of at least 2000 to see the fetus on the ultrasound and check where it's located.  He told me my beta needs to increase by 60-80% at least in 48 hours.  If it doesn't, or decreases, then there is a high chance for an ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage.  

He's happy my tube is at least open, even though it's scarred and looks like crap.

Cervix might be a problem later on.

I'm going to remain in care of my RE the next couple weeks.  It's much easier for them to do blood work and ultrasounds.  

-Selbe

Beta #1

Source

86!  Officially pregnant.  

My progesterone looks good too, they didn't give me a number.

I think my beta is lower than average at 18dpo.  :(  But it's more important they double in 48-72 hours.  My next one is in two days, hoping for a 170 (or close to it) or higher.

-Selbe