What About Me?

As I was standing in the check out line at the grocery store the other night the cashier noticed the couple in front of me with the newborn baby.  Of course the cashier began adoring the baby.  My mind was filled with all the bitter things that one infertile could think of.  Along with the "I fucking hate babies" thought.  But the second though that came into my head: "what about me?"  

You can't really tell how long a couple has been TTC by just looking at them.  They could have been TTC for a whole two months, or did IVF after five years.  I admit I automatically go with the first of those two options.  Odds are they couldn't tell you much about most fertility treatments.  The "what about me" question pops into my head when, even though I have no proof, I believe I have been waiting longer for my baby while someone else is getting attention for their newborn.  I think of not just the months we have been TTC for, but years.  I have "done my time" with fertility treatment and think of my past loss.  To be absolutely honest I'm envious.  I wish some cashier (or anyone) was looking at my baby and tell me how beautiful s/he was.  But they are not.  I fall off the radar.  I am non-existent because I'm not a mommy.

I deserve some good attention.  Not some depressing crap when people ask how my fertility treatment is going.  It's going just as crappy as the last time they asked.  But I'd love for someone to look at my big belly, or my newborn or child, and compliment it.  

One of the things that upsets me the most and I was never given a chance at being a mother.  We can think for great mothers out there.  But we can also all think of horrible ones ether from the news or those we actually know.  The women that doesn't deserve to be mothers, or can't take care of the children she already has.  I'm not saying I'm going to be the absolute best mum on the face of the planet, no one it that.  But I have to be better than some of those other examples.  Why is it when the stork comes around to give their baby handouts for the month I am always passed up?  And every other infertile women.  Honestly, we can't be that bad of a future mother.  We are never even given a chance at parenthood.  Not even one tiny bit of chance.  Or worst yet, we are given a chance the baby is taken away from us.  

We have a great home here.  The baby will have his or her own room with painted walls to match the gender.  There will be a new crib and everything else will be brand new.  The best products for 2012, and everything checked for safety.  The SUV we bought last year is awesome.  The yard is a decent size and fenced in.  The baby will have a college fund before even being born.  We are financially stable enough that I can stay home and take care of the child for the first five years of their life.  Fuck I think I almost described a yuppie.  But whatever, none of that seems to be good enough.

The feelings that go with infertility is so complex.  I honestly don't believe one could even understand the emotions unless they have been in the shoes.  There is no "fairness" or waiting your turn.  Sometimes it so hard to justify what is happening.  The only thing we can hold onto is the quote: "everything happens for a reason".  But after a couple years honestly, what is the fucking reason?

The Future

Many days I just want give up on fertility treatment.  Even if money was unlimited, I don't want to do another IUI, I don't want to do IVF, I don't ever want to see Clomid or any of it's fucking friends again, and I hate OPKs.  No more!  I just want to be left alone.  I don't want a newborn, I don't want a child, I like my sleep and freedom.  I want to spend all my money on myself, I want to take off without needing a babysitter.  I want to keep my current body with my non-sagging breasts, and kinda flat stomach.  

And there is my husband with his one fucking million sperm he left me.  I am still angry at that.  It seems like his count keeps getting lower and lower over time.  I asked him to take the CountBoost or FertilAid but he told me those had the some vitamins and such as his regular multivitamin that he already takes.  I never looked into whether that was true or not, nor do I know if he even takes those multivitamins on a daily basis like he should.  What about the occasional alcoholic drink he has?  Or his stressful job?  The last two IUIs were great on my end, one and two eggs.  My cervix isn't a problem since they bypass it with the IUI.  My right fallopian tube isn't a problem since I know at least one egg went down my left tube.  I am left feeling like I should be pointing fingers and you can take a good guess who at.  

Some days I say it's OK I don't have children, or at least anytime soon.  I told Bean years ago if we never have kids I'm getting my boobs picked back up once they begin to sag.  I think the surgery cost less than IVF.  I might even be able to get it done for free if I can convince my health insurance my real boobs cause me emotional pain.  Because it's not like infertility cause anyone emotional issues, ever.  No one gives a fuck about that.  But new plastic boobs, well can't have me crying and being self-conscious about the pair I have now, can we?

I fucking hate life.  

Source

And I don't think there is a God anymore, not that I was 100% sure to begin with.  There I said it, and offended a few people.  I didn't grow up with too much religion in my life.  But somewhere I got in my mind that if I pray enough everything things would be alright and whatever I needed would be given to me.  I did pray, many times.  I'm also done blowing out birthday candles, wishing on stars and throwing pennies into a fountain for the same wish.  I'm sick of answering the same thing each year when Bean asks me what I want as a gifts for holidays.  It's been years since I've asked for a gift other than "baby".  And yes, I equated blowing out candles to prayer.  If there is a God I'm pretty sure he despise me or something, and my feelings seems to be heading that way too.  It's going on three years, God hasn't answered my prayers yet.  Unless you want to count the time I did get PG and it was taken away soon after.  I'd honestly rather of never been pregnant to begin with than be pregnant for a month and lose the baby.  I loved my baby boy but there is pain even today.  I still don't make it a whole week without crying about it.  For Christmas this year I want a really expensive piece of electronics, not even sure what.  And for the birthday, just let me eat the cake.  Fuck you candles.  If I'm stuck on this miserable earth I might as well have fun.  God, we are done.  

Next up on the list of spontaneous and random ideas I have:  skydiving.

Sometimes I look at the last ultrasound photo I have of my baby and think of how beautiful he was.  You can't see his face, or arms or much of anything.  But for some strange reason I find that blob to be beautiful.  

-Selbe

Moving On

View of Seattle from ferry on the way to my IUI Saturday

I've been on the waiting list for my old job since June.  I listed my store preference as the local one about 10 minutes from here, and then my second choice much farther away as a back up (hoping I'd get picked up by the local one).  It had been about 60 days and no store took a bite at me.  Nothing!  I get priority over new hires and I'm sure each one of these stores have begun hiring for the holiday season.  At the end of the 60 days I got re-added to the wait list, for the same local store, another one father away, and their brand new store in Seattle.

Again the local store has blown me off.  They don't even return my calls.  I was beginning to wonder if my employee file was that bad.

Today I got a call from the store in Seattle and they want me to coming in Monday to talk with them.  

It's a hike to get there, but I calculated the price for public transportation and as long as I'm working at least two hours each shift it will cover it.  

I was in shock, this store is brand new (just opened less than two months ago).  And there are so many more people in Seattle.  

Cons:

• Cheapest way to get there is taking three forms of transportation
• To get there:
• Step one
• I can drive my car the 10-15 minutes to the ferry terminal. Cost: free, except gas.  I have to park my car at the terminal after this.  Cost $11/day  OR
• I can walk to the bus station 2 blocks from my house and take the bus to the ferry.  Cost: $2  But option is only available during morning and afternoon.
• Step Two
• Ride the ferry to Seattle.  Takes about 35 minutes.  Cost: free
• Step Three
• Walk the .5 mile (about 15 minutes) to the store.  Cost: free  OR
• Bus, takes the same amount of time as walking.  Cost: $2
• To get home:
• Step One
• Walk.  Cost: free
• Step Two
• Ferry:  Cost: $8
• Step Three
• Drive car home.  Cost: free  OR
• Bus:  $2
• Or I can get a monthly pass for the ferry, making it $16 a trip.  And hope the company I work for lets me park in their parking garage for free.
• Public transportation doesn't run on my schedule, I go by theirs.  The ferry can be a hold up, since the buses run off the ferry schedule they are in sync.  So my hour travel time might be longer with waiting around.

Pros:

• It's brand new, and coming from a newer store I'd rather go to a newer store
• It's one of three (I think) stores in the world like it.  It's a honor to work there.  (At least as far as retail stores go, but not for everyone else.)
• Opportunity of a lifetime.  
• It's a block from one of Seattle's largest tourist areas, Pike Place.
• I'll get to explore Seattle some more.
• They close earlier.

I'm not sure if I will take the job yet.  

I can't keep sitting around my house though.  I do have friends here, but not many and I don't expect them to want to hang out with me everyday.  My husband is gone and some days I don't leave the house at all, let alone talk to another human in person.  I dreamed of having a baby and staying home with him or her.  Watching him stand and teaching colours.  Bean is always gone, so I'm not going to drop my child off at daycare for the little time he has with a parent.  And I never planned to work during a pregnancy ether.  Not because I'm lazy, but because of my weak cervix and fear the baby is just going to fall out.  But I don't have a baby, and I'm not pregnant.  Looking into the future it looks like nether of those are going to happen anytime soon.  I need to move on.  Starting a family and being a mommy is a great dream, but it's not a dream that's happening right now.  

I always think of being in your 20's as one of two things: becoming a mommy, or partying all the time.  I've watched so many of my friends who are in the same age group get pregnant and give birth.  I very much wish I was with them, I'm envious of them.  But due to my infertility I can't join them.  (Unless someone just wants to hand me $13,000 for one cycle of IVF).  I almost feel like I'm held back.  I can't move forward with my dream.  I can't contribute to all the pregnancy talk (not like I fit in anyways) nor all the conversations that go with having a child.  I'm left out, even more so being a military wife.  There are events I go to where I'm the only one there without children.  I guess the other side is being a drunk.  I do like to go out and have fun, but I'm too old to do that all the time.  Where do I fit in?

I need to move on with my life NOT as the mommy-to-be I wish I was.

I refuse to test this cycle 'til at least September 25th.  I can't stand seeing anymore bare white test.  Or worse, imaginary lines that seem to exist in my head, in certain light, when I shake the test. I should have AF by the 25th anyways. 

-Selbe

Promises for the Future

The one positive I have to say from trying for a baby for an extended period of time is that I get to see what everyone else has done in their pregnancy.  Somethings I really like and would have never thought of that idea myself.  Pinterest has helped a lot with this.  And then sometimes I see things, and well, I promise myself I will never do.  

Things I will not do in future pregnancies:

Orange 3-D Ultrasounds

I like the 3-D/4-D ultrasounds and I do plan on paying out-of-pocket for one during my PG.  But why do they have to be orange?  It's like there is an Oompa Loompa in there.  I used hide under the covers when those creepy things came out to do their dance.  Unless my child has Jaundice I really don't think having them be orange is going to make me bond better.  I will change all those 3-D photos to black and white.  

Pregnancy Lineup

You know when they have all the preggos at the party or whatnot stand in a line for a photo.  Then everyone gets to compare the belly sizes and how many weeks along you are.  I don't mind belly photos in general and have no problem being photographed myself.  But don't make me stand in a line with other women like I just committed a crime and someone now needs to pick me out.  

I think deep down this brings out fear of being compared to others.  Not in the fat vs skinny way.  But that I'm not the same as them.  I had struggles, and they go much deeper than how big my bump is.

Rant - "It's in the Water..."

I HATE this saying.  Why do people have to equate a large number of women getting PG at once by saying something is in the water?  Do people really think there is something fucking in the water?  I know it's just a saying.  It just pisses me off when someone has zero knowledge of infertility says it to me.  Or any other crappy advice I'm given.  Old post but: 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility: There's Something in the Water

Name & Nursery Ideas

We thought of some more ideas.  Actually it was more me thinking of everything and my husband agreeing, for now. 

Girl - Pink & brown room theme, with owls.  Name:  Lillian Airi, or Arri

Boy - Blue & brown theme, with elephants.  Name:  never got that far

Lily, or Lillian, has been picked out for years.  Bean told me a long time ago that I needed to thing of an 'A' middle name so her initials would be LAB.  I'm not sure why.  It took me a year and a half to find Airi, and now he doesn't even remember the LAB idea.  Anyways good thing I'm infertile and had plenty of time to think of a middle name.

I'm hesitant to use owls because I know several people that have already decorated a child's room with them.  Owls = protection, elephants = good luck.  That seems fitting for any child of mine.

-Selbe

Not You, It's Me

It's Not You, It's Me

Source

I met you online before I moved here and we have a few common interests.  I know you have struggled with infertility in the past too.

I don't even know if you read this.  You have never mentioned this blog or anything on it, nor commented on it.  So maybe I'll send this to you in an email someday.  

We live near one another now yet we rarely hang out.  And when we do I'm kind of distant.  

See the thing is, when I was going through my miscarriage, you got pregnant naturally.  Your due date is close to mine.  September I believe.  So close that when I see that you have ultrasounds done, mention how great it is to feel movement, or whatever baby shopping that has been done I feel sad.  I am happy for you.  But I reminds me of what I would be doing right now with my baby boy, if he hadn't died.  That makes me hurt.

I know you've done fertility treatment before.  So we are equal in that sense.  But you've never felt loss.  I know you don't fully understand the emotions that float around in my head about my miscarriage.  Nor would I ever want you to.  And please don't feel bad for me.

I'm sorry I don't ask you how your baby is doing.  Or other baby related things going on in your life. I'm sorry I don't call or text to make plans to spend time with you.  I'm sorry I had to hide all your posts on Facebook, yet I do check on you once a day just to make sure you are OK.  I'm sorry I'm such a poor infertility friend, though if the tables were turned I wouldn't blame you.  

I'm trying to perverse my sanity and emotional well-being.  Like the bad break-up line, it really is me.

But if you do need a ride to the hospital, someone to come sit with you, need someone to bring a meal, someone to care for your pets or want me to show up at the hospital to photograph your newborn for free (like I've done for so many other military families), please feel free to call.

Cycle Moved Up

I started spotting Saturday.  I'm confused by it since it takes my body forever to respond to Provera.  This shouldn't be happening this early!  Maybe my Met is doing something for me.  But really it doesn't matter, it will push my next cycle up by a week but there was nothing pending on those dates to begin with.  I think Monday will be CD1 since there is more spotting and the cramping is getting worse.  But I've been wrong before.

Pregnancy Test Sale

One of the pharmacies had a sale on FRER HPT last week, plus I had my coupons.  I bought a bunch of them.  I remember the day I used to get embarrassed when I'd have to buy a pregnancy test.  And now I grab like five boxes and tell the cashier I don't even need a bag to hide them in.  

And remember those times you used to shave down there for your annual pap smear because you didn't want to be hairy and gross for the doctor.  And now you don't even care if Bigfoot is hanging out in your panties?  OK that's a lie.  I still have to make everything presentable.  I don't even know why, not like it matters anymore.

-Selbe

Long Walks

Bean and I (and the dog) went to visit some local parks today.  We wanted to go hiking but didn't wake up early enough to drive out there, hike the 8 mi (13 km) and get back before dark.  (We like to sleep in around here.)

I got a new camera last week, Samsung MV800.  I have a lot of cameras.  Normally I use a Pentax K-5 or just my iPhone.  I have a Pentax W80 I use from time to time also.  They all have things I love about them, and things I hate about them.  So it really depends on my mood and what I'm photographing.  

Clomid

My first day of Clomid went well.  No side effects except peeing a lot.  But I usually don't have side effects 'til my last couple pills or after I'm done with them all together (Thursday).  Puppy even sat in front of me as I was getting them out today.  He begs for anything that resembles food.  It's amazing how quick he ass hits the floor when you have a "treat".  He learned that sit = treat.  So now it sits, and sometimes stands back up and sits back down over and over again, just incase I missed it.  Odd thing is he only eats about 3% of the food I actually give him.  He still begs though, even with stuff like blueberries and Clomid.   

(PS the dog didn't get fertility drugs...)

Goals for This Cycle

Yup, I have more of them.

• Don't post anything negative on here 'til CD1. - This goes for depressing thoughts about my fertility, miscarriage and making fun of fertile women that give advice without actually knowing what they are talking about to begin with.  And no angry doctors posts.
• "Remember 100 worked before, and with the trigger it's different.  There is hope." - I was feeling down today so I wrote that on my phone so I could keep looking at it.  I keep thinking Clomid, been there done that.  (I did up to 150mg last year but was unresponsive.)  So I've been far from enthused about my sixth round of the drug.  But 100mg did work for 2 (out of the 3) cycles I took it last spring.  And I'll have monitoring now, and the trigger to release my eggs, and sperm pumped in my uterus.  So it will be different this time (I hope).
• Don't worry. - About my upcoming IUI, or the fear of losing baby in the future due to my cervix.  Today can't fix the future.
• I want to run/walk every other day, then just walk during my TWW. - I hear it's healthy, or something.   
• I want to paint pottery or something else really creative at least once a week. - For my mind.
• I want to try and get out more and less time sitting home. - Going to the store doesn't count.
• I want to try and get around to commenting on more TTC blogs. - I tend to slack at that sometimes.
• I need to stay away from some Facebook groups, and spend more time on others.  Also, less time newsfeed stalking Facebook.
• Spend more time on Baby Center groups. - The IUI and Clomid on, not the March/April 2013 group.  Stay away from the due date groups if you have struggled with any type of infertility or ever had any type of pregnancy loss. 
• I need to stop hiding so much behind my infertility and come out more about it. - I want to be there to support for those that are in the same situation, or for those that are just starting out and looking for information about infertility, PCOS or even cervical dysplasia.  Last week I opened up the Chalkboard Project to about 1/4 of my friend and family on Facebook that know what I going through.  I hope to eventually get brave enough to open it to 100%.

Fifty Followers

I officially have 50 followers on this blog.  Not sure if that is good or bad but the number is slowly going up over time.  

Thankful for Bean

I'm so thankful for my husband someday.  He goes along with this idea and doesn't ever question it (well once right before surgery #1 but that was decades ago now).  He given multiple "samples" for semen analysis.  And then drives the hours one way to jerk off some more for cryopreservation.  I know it's not easy doing your business in the strange room with people walking around outside.  He calls up without hesitation to check on the results.  

(PS One vial last week!  We currently have two frozen, enough for two IUIs without him here.)

He's also great with the appointments also.  I know he can't go to 100% of them.  When he's on a "business trip" he's gone for months on end and far far away from here.  When he's home the hours are long, sometimes working 6-7 days a week.  He tries to get away from work to go but I know he can't always.  Some appointments are not that important anyways.  Sometimes there are several a week and I don't even know how I remember them all.

But he did go to all four of the baby ultrasounds.  He went to the post-op and planning appointments.  He got the time off for all four times I went to the surgery center, sat with me, filled my medication, drove me home (sometimes while I threw up in the car), feed me and tucked me in.  

He's also dealt with any mood swings I've had thanks to these drugs.  And my nausea by driving to the nearest gas station to get me ginger ale.

(For those that know me in real life, you already know what my husband does for a living.  I've mentioned it briefly on here, but he has recently been sent somewhere new.  It is military.  I can not post any dates, locations, or what department he is assigned to.  I actually can not even give this information out to family.  Like in the past, we'll call it "business trips".  Thanks for understanding.)

-Selbe

World in the Eyes of Fertiles & Infertiles

I saw this story shared on Facebook: Mother Drives With 5-Week-Old on Top of Car.  She was under the influence of drugs so that's a good excuse for forgetting the baby on the roof and driving off.  *sigh*

---

It's been awhile since I posted one of these Fertiles vs Infertiles.  Last one was in January for my pregnancy week-by-week checklist.

	How Fertiles Think:	How Infertiles Think:
	Someone who gets pregnant with no medical intervention AND carries to term.	The rest of us.
Infertility	Rare, not common.  Comes with questions like: "Have you tired this drug/diet/product/etc?", "Someone I know who knows this person did _ & got pregnant", "Are you sure you're doing it right?" or some comment about God.	Welcome! Endo, PCOS, thyroid, unexplained?  Who cares you are one of us!  What procedures, surgeries, or meds have you done?  Starts sharing stories.
Fertiles	[insert some talk about baby showers, gender ultrasounds, strollers, baby food]	Naive.  The stuff they say with their lack of knowledge is even funny at time.  Always happy.
Singleton Pregnancy	Common, everyone can have one easily.	Amazing, our goal.
Twins	That's pretty cool.	Very common, almost desired.
Triples	Amazing.	Can be common, exciting, a lot of money/work.
4, 5, 6...	OMG!  Lucky almost.	Umm, there's a problem.
Miscarriage	Rare.  Missed miscarriage doesn't exist.  You know when your baby dies because you'll be gushing blood everywhere.	Common, most of us have had several.
Painful Testing	Comes with whining & a FB status post (or two).	Suck it up, it's life.
Giving Birth	Pain!  Worried about.	Whatever!  Who cares anymore?  I have more important things to worry about.
Hoping labour comes early so I can...	... be more comfortable.  I'm in pain & can't sleep.	... hold my baby in my arms & make sure s/he's alive.
Fertility Treatment	Needle.  Multiples.  [insert a comment about Jon & Kate Plus 8]	Everyday practice for many of us.
Baby Departments at the store	Shopping there often, look at all this cute stuff!	I refuse to even look.
Baby Shower	Cake, decorations, all the stuff people will buy for my baby.	Meh...
Cervix	Probably the same thing as your ovaries, or "You touch that thing?"	High up in vagina, feels like a donut.  Soft when fertile, hard when not.  Gate keeper to womb.
Ovaries	Probably the same as the cervix.  They are interchangeable.	Follicle size needs to be around 20mm when triggering.
Grass is Greener for:	Infertiles.  They have all that money since they don't have to buy diapers.  So lucky to go on cruises & buy new cars.  I'm just stuck here with a screaming baby.	Fertiles.  They have free babies without shelling out a lot of money on fertility treatment.  Though it may not be easy at times, they get to watch their children grow.
Baby #2	Going to get pregnant September 2013.	If it's not a twin from #1 then the thought doesn't exist.
Semen Analysis	Eww your husband jerks off in "public"?	My favorite appointments because they are easy & I'm not getting stuck with needles or the internal ultrasound.
Ultrasound	you have to drink a lot of water... you're fully dressed... they put this gel on your stomach... then you get to bring home all these photos	I pee three minutes before my U/S... "Fully dressed" meaning my nips are not out?  Because the last seven I've had my pants are off & vajayjay out for the world to see  ... WTF is this gel shit?  And they are NOT touching my stomach.  The ultrasound is on my uterus, not stomach... There are no photos.
Fights with the daddy daddy	Complains on FB.  Threatens to leave him & have abortion.  < OK, this doesn't always happen.  But pretty amusing when I see it in my newsfeed.	Locks myself in a separate room for an hour or two until I calm down.  Then offers to buy Taco Bell for dinner.
Adoption	For infertile women & people that like chinese babies.  Free & easy to get. Thousands of newborn babies just waiting for homes today!	Possibility.  Need to accept the child might not look like me.  A lot of paperwork & costing 15-60k.  Newborns are rare.  It's not any cheaper to adopt from over countries with travel expenses.  Best bet is to adopt older children.  Might have health problems and/or comes in groups with over siblings.
OPKs	Use phone app or other online program to tell when I've ovulating.  Free!	Please no more!  Just monitor me with ultrasounds.
Sore Boobs (or any other PG symptom)	Preggo!	Fucking progesterone.
Ovulation	If you're a women you have to ovulate.	That has happened a few times in my life.
D&C	For abortion.	For when the baby you tried so hard for dies.
Irregular Cycles	Being 3 or 5 days late.	Being 3 or 5 months late.
TTC for a Long Time	3 months	Over a year
TTC for a Really Long Time	4 months	3 years
FMU	Fuck My Uggs	First Morning Urine
Acronyms	WTF?	LMP 4.1.12 CD64 HPT & BW BFN - no AF since MC Vitex #3, waiting for IUI/Clomid/Ovidrel
	Fertiles see infertiles as bitter & cruel.  Better than them almost.	Infertiles see fertiles as naive & lacking basic pregnancy knowledge.

-Selbe

I've Changed

Source

I used to get excited for pregnancy and all things I could purchase for my new baby.  I'd start shopping and getting the nursery ready during the first trimester.  Family and friends would send me cute stuff in the mail.  Then there would be my baby shower and we would all welcome the birth.  Such a happy and excited time.

Two years later and one loss.  I've changed.

I regretted the fact I did buy a few small things for my first pregnancy.  Buying those things gave me hope.  Not matter how much hope you have it still can't change the future.   As a result I bought items and then my baby died.

I really don't see myself buying much early on during my next pregnancy.  The nursery will go unpainted week after week.  It's just not in me anymore.  There is a fear to getting excited and then having to come home without a baby.  Looking into the doorway at the nursery seems so painful.  Pregnancy is an exciting time, but it is also a time full of worrying.  

When I look at what is ahead of me with getting pregnant and then carrying a baby to term it feels like two large mountains.  The first is the fertility treatments to get pregnant.  The second is to get to 40 weeks (or somewhere close) with my damaged cervix.  I'm not sure how to climb up and over the mountains, yet I keep trying.

-Selbe

The Things People Say

Pap Smear

Myself, because I don't
post many photos of me.

I have another appointment on the 17th (I think) for a basic pap smear.  It's with my primary doctor (PCM) because my insurance doesn't let me see a OBGYN for that.  Pap smears are easy for me, especially after everything else I've had done.  It's the PCM part that scares me.  The last one didn't know what she was doing, couldn't find my cervix (yeah, I know) and ended up shoving her fingers into it.  You'd figure because the doctor is a women and had those parts that she'd know what gentle means.

Me:  "I have really bad menstrual cramps."

Female Dr: "Yeah that's normal."

Me:  "No, they are REALLY bad."

Female Dr:  "Yup, normal."

Me:  "I haven't gotten my period in three months."

Female Dr: "Normal."

Me:  "I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME."

They also don't listen.  I like male doctors better. 

Shaking My Head

Sometimes people send me message or post comments on Facebook that all I can do is shake my head.  I thought I'd bundle up a few of them to share.

Example 1

Example 1 sent me a Facebook message congratulating on my pregnancy, four month AFTER my miscarriage.  Thanks but yeah... She saw my ultrasound photos from January, the ones that mention D&C and where everyone commented saying they were sorry.  

Example 2

Example 2 was a comment from a family friend.  I'm not sure if she is talking about OPKs, saliva ferning or she's just confused.  Probably the last one.  I'm going to assume OPKs.  I've used them once or twice (ha!).  See there is something called PCOS.  My ovaries do pretty much fucking nothing every day of their life.  It doesn't matter how many of those strips I piss on, if I don't ovulate there is no "right time".  No eggs, no babies.  Got it?  Taking away "pop" might work.  We don't normally have "bears" walking around unless you count the dog, good there.  No alcohol would probably help.  Tight underwear, ha!  I make sure there are no tighty whities in this house!  I wonder how long someone has to trying to believe these little "tips" really work.  Two, maybe three, months?

Example 3

Example 3 was left on this post for me.  So I generally blog about my our infertility and pregnancy loss.  I'm sorry I couldn't make it sound happier.  It's not really a happy topic to talk about.

• "Yes!  More nausea today.  All this throwing up is going to make me lose weight."
• "The rage from these fertility drugs is great.  I love telling people what I really think of them."
• "I love throw and destroy things during rage, it shows the durablity of items.  Except this calendar.  I didn't really like those landscape scenes anyways."
• "Transvaginal utlrasound today!  It's like using a dildo that doesn't move?"
• "More bloodwork = awesome bandaid wrap thing!"
• "So glad my baby's heart stopped, now I don't have to be pregnant in the summer."
• "I didn't want a January baby anyways."
• "I love that fertility treatment costs so much.  I mean what else could I spend me money on?"
• "Welfare is great because it's like a have millions of kids that I pay for, but I don't ever have to deal with their crying!"

There you go.  There is your positive blog of an infertile women who lost her baby.  

-Selbe

Health Insurance & WIC

My Current Cycle

Each day goes by with no AF and all BFN.  I'm beginning to think I never ovulated.  Fuck.  Since my D&C my ovaries have begun shutting down again.  I wont get AF until they give me Provera again.  Maybe I'll start taking my Vitex again (I stopped after what I thought was O).  I'm going to be happy to start fertility drugs again and be monitored.    

My Insurance & Military Treatment Facilities

There are two main MTF (military treatment facility, military hospitals) in the area.  MTF Bremerton (US Navy) is 20 minutes away and the primary one I go to.  MTF Madigan (US Army) an hour away.  MTF Bremerton does basic OBGYN, low-risk pregnancy and low end fertility treatment (Clomid only, no trigger, injectables, IUI or IVF).  Since I have already done my five rounds of Clomid with no luck I am ready to move on.  In order for me to go to MTF Madigan I need a referral from my PCM (primary doctor) at MTF Bremerton, I just can't make an appointment there on my own.  

There are only a handful of MTF on the country that do more advanced fertility treatments.  Our last base was MTF Portsmouth, they didn't do much of anything there.  The closest to Portsmouth was 500 miles away in Washington DC (I believe).  So I was sent out into the civilian world.  Hence how I ended up at FCNE with Dr. H.

This is for Tricare Prime.  The only way I can get out of this referral system is downgrading to Tricare Standard.  I can see whatever doctor I pick in the civilian world (as long as they take Tricare) but have to pay copays.  Depending on your situation one can be better than the other.  But fertility treatment at a MTF tends to be cheaper than at a civilian doctor.

I'm hoping that my one natural pregnancy, although failed and ended with a miscarriage, means I'll have good odds with more advanced fertility treatments.  Though I've ovulated about five times in two years, I do have a good chance of getting PG when I ovulate.  IF I ovulate.

Referral Runaround

MTF Bremerton pissed me off yesterday.  At my appointment on Monday they told me my referral to MTF Madigan would be put in and in two days I could call up to make my next appointment.  

I called up yesterday (two days) to schedule my appointment.  The appointment line could not find my referral so they could not give me an appointment.

I called the referrals office.  They also couldn't find my referral, ether processed or waiting to be processed.

I then called my PCM that gave me the referral to begin with.  They couldn't find the doctor, or the referral and had no idea when they would.  Zero help.

Which left me only one option, call the appointment line and make another appointment with my PCM for another referral.

The appointment line only had two appointment available: A. in nine minutes; B. in two weeks.  Nine minutes just wouldn't work, and two weeks seems like a long wait for someone else's fuck up.  

So I drove there and talked to a couple people in person.  The PCM forgot to put the referral in.  I was informed a new one would be put in today and in two days (hopefully) I could make an appointment.  Which I'm sure in itself won't be for a month or so from now.  

WIC

I grew up in a family where getting food stamps, WIC or any other types of government programs was avoided as much as possible unless really needed.  It was an embarrassment.  My father says that times are changing and it's become less of an humiliation and more of people abusing the system.  I do believe there are many people out there abusing it, for as long as possible.  I also believe there are those that really do need it.  Our system just sucks at weeding out those that are abusing it and giving it to those that need it.  

I have been on government programs twice in my life.  I didn't have health insurance in my teens and early 20's, no job that offered it, no money to pay for private health care, and still in college.  I had government health insurance to remove cervical dysplasia, since that becomes worse if not taken care of.  Then another time to remove my tonsils since I was in a lot of pain and could not pay for the surgery out-of-pocket.  During this time I ate the same cheap food everyday and would donate blood to get free cookies and juice.  Though I was eligible, never during this time did I sign up for food stamps.   

I've also worked retail at several places that accepted food stamps (now EBT, no wait SNAP) and WIC. Again there are people out there that really do need food stamps.  Food stamps covers most food items. Every once and awhile I'd have a customer want to buy a "food item" and the card wouldn't accept it.  One example was years ago I had customer want to buy one of those tins filled with popcorn that stores sell around Christmas time.  The tins with not the greatest in the world but tolerable popcorn, and once you got done eating it (or throwing the stall shit out) a plastic bag was stuck in it and use around the house as a trash can, until it begins to rust.  She flipped out on me.  I've watched customers buy lobster, potato chips, soda pop, gum, and candy with food stamps.  Never fruits, vegetables or Ramen noodles.  I'm sorry, but if someone is broke and starving they have learned that if you eat certain foods they fill you up better than others, regardless of the calories.  And they know just how much sometimes cost.  I was limited growing up by my father on what I could buy at the grocery store to about $10/week.  One time I even got yelled at for wanting bread and milk in the same week.  Yes it was probably wrong on his part, and not something I'd do to my own child, but fuck I figured it out.  And now taxes are pulled from my crappy minimum wage job to pay for such programs. I don't really give a fuck that your Easter candy and not covered and how you "need" it.  Bitch to me and I'll tell you the real difference between a NEED and a WANT.  

Now moving on to WIC.  I like WIC better than food stamps because it does limit what you can purchase with it, such as only approved cereal, cheese, produce, formula, etc.  However WIC is a bitch for cashiers to ring out.  The WIC program requires cashier to go as far as writing their numbers perfectly (yes, they provide you a sheet on how to write a "7" correct).  Along with making sure the products are the correct type stated on the check and approved by WIC.  When a customer goes to use all her newly expiring WIC checks all at once it takes a great deal of time. 

I bring up this topic because Bean and I went to Wal-Mart late at night a few days ago.  When we got in line at 11:50PM there was only one person in front of us.  A lady, several years younger than myself, not married and with her daughter (about 1 year old) in the cart.  First off, it's almost midnight.  That child should be in bed asleep.  I don't understand why people don't have a sit bedtime and bring their kids out shopping late at night.  (Fuck, my six month old puppy even has a bedtime and falls asleep at 10PM, midnight the latest, each night!)  And then I looked at the belt and saw it.  Her separated stacks of groceries (baby food & formula) and the stack of EIGHT WIC checks right besides it.  

My infertile self got pissed.  She's broke, unmarried, has a child and for the next fifteen minutes I'm forced to stare at her in front of me.  Bean and I have been married for three years, have money (enough), a house, a dog, two cars and zero babies.  All I have to show for it is this shit and a dead baby.  Spectacular!  I looked at Bean and then her and mentioned something along the lines of "that is what you get when you don't use birth control".  Some days I admit, I'm just not a good person.

Not My Kind

Sometimes I wonder when I do get pregnant again how I'd react to other pregnant women around me that haven't had the same trials.  What if they got PG with little trying or on accident, instead of with fertility drugs, procedures and surgery?  Will I feel like they are not my kind?  Will I feel like I am above them? Especially if my pregnancy COST more (fertility treatment) than theirs?

Other Links

My old RE is offering a contest for a free IVF cycle.  This is only for those living in ME, NH, VT, MA, CT and RI.  You can enter to win by filling out the entry form here.  

An ultrasound device has been invented to work on smart phones.  I'd buy it if it wasn't $8k.  

-Selbe

Lots of Cramps

I'm not sure if my current cramping is from my surgery last week or a Provera induced period that is on it's way.  My days off I'm fine.  But if I'm at work standing all day then it hurts.  It hurts to put pressure on it too.  And I feel pulling or movement like when I was pregnant.  Yet my body doesn't do anything else!

It was way easier to stay pregnant.  That's what I concluded after a bunch of blood work and two surgeries.  And feeling like my uterus might fall out.  I don't blame it though, I'd run away too after everything I've put it through.  

I ended up crying to the dog last night, and telling him what a miserable failure I am because I can't carry a baby for 40 weeks.  Seems like everyone else has figured it out just fine.  This was the first time in a long while I cried about my miscarriage.  

Maybe I'm having some form of PMS.  I've been moody and depressed the last couple days.  And my acne hasn't been this bad in a long time.

I Don't Like Your Kids

I don't mind my friend's kids.  I'm talking about complete strangers.  People you see in waiting rooms, bouncing their baby on their hips as everyone cooes and talks about him/her.  And then there is myself, looking down at my iPhone and the floor, trying not to notice they exist.  It always seems like they expect some sort of response from me, maybe because I'm female in my childbearing years.  I should have some response like: "omg the cutest baby ever, I want one!"  Instead I am cold.  

They'll never know why I'm this cold.  They wouldn't understand anyways, what I have been through or the way life really works.  Or they would say some stupid fertile comment.  Their life is all happiness.  To me the worst thing in their life is far from bad at all.  

Attack of the Giant Maxi Pads

Giant maxi pads are unsexy.

This was inspired by Bébé Suisse's post.

I don't normally wear pads.  They are thick (well getting thinner), and long like a giant diaper.  I can't wear the normal short ones because I bleed out the front or the back each time I've used them.  Not sure if it's me or if I'm not supposed to move in them or something.  They are uncool and I can't wear them with a thong.  And I'm still worried people can see my pad outline by looking at my butt, yes I thought I'd outgrow this too.  They are avoid at all cost.

Drop Rating System

I finally got rid of them all right before I got pregnant, prefect timing.  Then I lost my baby.  I was stuck going to Wal-Mart to find some sort of giant pad for this problem.  It's not like a can stick a tampon in there and come back 8 hours later.  I'm going to A. miscarry at home, where the baby and everything baby related is going to fall out of me, or B. I'll have a D&C, and then I can't stick anything inside me for awhile anyways so pads are the only option. 

I walked up and down the aisle looking at all the options.  I've heard the horror story of gushing blood and baby parts everywhere.  What would be the best pad since it's like like they market ones just for this.

(After my D&C it never ended up being that bad, so I was OK.)

I got to the checkout and the cashier started talking about the product I choose and whether I liked it.  I responded with some quick answer.  And then she went on and on about the product.  I stopped listening.

What I wanted to say:  "I have a dead baby inside of me and I'm only buying this product because I'm in the middle of a miscarriage and I really hope to get knocked up again soon after this so I never have to use the product again."

I know the friendly Wal-Mart cashier doesn't want to hear this.  I just move along.

The current dose of medication:

• Provera 10mg - 1x day (I think for three more days, to induce my period, medically) 
• Vitex 400mg - 3x a day = 1200mg (forever pretty much, to level out my hormones)
• Vitamin C 500mg - 4 at a time, 3x a day = 6000mg (two or three more days, to induce my period, herbally)

Do I have a say even if I'm not a mother, or haven't been pregnant for 40 weeks?

I saw this conversation on Facebook the other day.  Nothing against the person who posted it, conversations like this happen all the time.  As infertile women (with no children), do we even have a say when it comes to parenting and pregnancy?  Because we are not a mother are we just expected to keep quiet?  Sometimes I do feel odd when I'm put in conversations with people that talk about their pregnancy and a new baby.  What do you really want me to say?  And is what I say really taken seriously?

Here's a shocker:  Being infertile for 3 years makes you much more knowledgeable about conception and pregnancy than one might think.

Please don't tell me to try ovulation predictor kits, or have some certain tests.  I've had more things shoveled up my vagina, peed on more tests, and swallowed more combinations of pills that you'd ever know.  And if I haven't had said test, procedure or taken a certain medication it's probably because it cost a lot more money they you think it does.  And no, my insurance does not cover it.  

-Selbe

Being Happy For Pregnant Women

I went to work today and worked a 8.5 hour shift.  I thought about not going in at all.  My back hurt from working late the night before, I was tired, and still nauseous.  But I sucked it up.  

I mentioned my 19-year-old co-worker that accidentally got pregnant.  She is 20-ish weeks along now.  It just kind of upsets me that my baby was planned and took a lot of trying, only for it to die.  I see her and the healthy  baby bump everyday.  It's very hard to look at her some days.  Or hear other co-workers talking about the baby.  She calls out A LOT... for being pregnant.  I've never made it past 10 weeks, my input and experience doesn't count much.  But I think of all the times I went to work during my miscarriage, and then returning back the day after my D&C.  I sucked it up and showed up.  Pregnancy is not an excuse!  Nor is a miscarriage.  It was my own fault for getting pregnant, I wanted it.  Even during my miscarriage I was called in to cover her ass. Doesn't it seem odd that I'm the one in the middle of losing my baby, and I'm having to cover for someone who got pregnant on accident.  I don't blame the company, I chose to go in and get on with my life.  It seems ironic.  

During my long shift today I realized I wish was I was more happy for those that are pregnant around me.  Sometimes it's hard to show that I'm happy for someone that has gotten something I want so easy.  (Other infertile women I am much more tolerant of.)  I understand it's a happy time in their life, it'd be a happy time in my life too.  If I was them.  It's hard to be ecstatic for someone when all you feel is pain inside.  I wish I could see it from their eyes.  That's a new goal, although I think an unrealistic one.  I've been infertile for too long.  

I wish I could see the happiness and not pain.

I am happy for them deep down, even though most of the time I don't show it.  But I also very sad for myself.  I wish God (or narwhal god) would make them wait a month or two longer, and give myself or another infertile a chance.  But this isn't pick a number like at the local deli.  It's not first-come, first-served.  It's more like a gamble.  Sometimes we are hanging out at the deli for way too long waiting for our turkey.  Only to watch person after person cut in line and get served.  The only thing we can do is stand off to the side, because saying something is socially unacceptable.  Our biggest fear: we finally do get up there and there is no turkey, or ham or yummy cheddar cheese left.  There is nothing left for us.

I wish I was better at throwing on a face smile and saying "congrats".  

Please pray to narwhal god that my next cycle (April) shows happiness again.

-Selbe

Provera #4

Five Stages of Loss - Month Two

Source

The five stages of loss, for two months after my miscarriage. 

1. Denial & Isolation - Denial, none.  It happened.  I still feel like a distance myself from those around me.  I really do try though.  This is my last month in this area and probably the last time I'll see many of my military friends.  So I do try to get out there for the last get togethers.  I know once I move I won't have that many friends for awhile, being new and all.

2. Anger - I feel much more calm now.  I'm still sad it happened, I wish my baby didn't have to die.  But I'm also not extremely angry at other pregnant women.  Every once and awhile I make a hateful remark but I feel less bitter overall than after my miscarriage and some days before I even got pregnant.  

3. Bargaining - None, again what am I even going to bargain for?  It's already done.

4. Depression - I still get out of bed every day.  I still go to work.  I still come home and feed and take care of the pets.  My miscarriage isn't affecting my day to day life.  I don't feel like I am depressed.  Sure I am sad.  Anyone who would say it wasn't a sad experience is a heartless bitch.  

5. Acceptance - I have accepted.

I have improved since last month.

Not caring about trying for a baby again has helped me heal.

Right after my miscarriage I wanted to try again and get pregnant again as soon as possible.  Then a couple posts back I mentioned I didn't care for TTC much anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I still want children and all.  However, the TTC effort has decreased a lot.  I am almost even afraid to get pregnant again.  Being pregnant doesn't mean 40 weeks and I bring a healthy baby home from the hospital, least not for me anymore.  Seeing those double lines automatically makes me think I'm going to relive this experience.  At any one of those ultrasounds my baby will now be dead, that I will have to go through a D&C and all the other testing I've had since.  Pregnancy will now never be the same for me.

This not really caring attitude has helped me a lot.  I almost asked a pregnant women at work when her due date was.  Then decided that was pushing it for me.  Another guest came to me with a container of those gummy prenatals vitamins.  I mentioned how much I love them (they really are good, I could eat the whole container in one sitting).  She told me they're good but she couldn't really take them 'til the afternoon, because "you know why".  I looked at her confused, I can take mine in the morning, night, whenever.  Sometimes several times a day.  Then I realized she actually takes them for pregnancy.  Odd that.  Then said my baby had died (bringing out the happy train) and that they have extra folic acid (good to take any time).  I didn't ask her due date ether.  She wasn't showing so it was probably close or after mine.  

Hearing about women that are close to my due date upsets me.

I overheard another conversation with a women saying her due date was August 26th, a day after mine.  Those are the ones I fear the most.  The ones due right around the same time as I was.  I'd be close to 17 weeks right now.  Wow that's a big number.  I would be finding out the sex soon.  I'd have a baby belly soon, if I didn't already.  I would have already bought maternity clothes.  I'd start feeling my baby move.  My pregnancy would be almost half over.  That's where I could have been.  That's not where I am though.  I need to let it go.  Sometimes it is hard though, seeing where I could have been put right in my face.  Sometimes by people that are ignorant and don't realize how lucky they have it.

My dizziness is getting better.

My pregnancy bloody nose has stopped, along with my dizziness.  I've been sick so I think my constant snotty nose as kept it from drying out.  Last week my ENT gave me stuff to lubricate (?) the inside of my nose to help.  I didn't think I would need it since it seems to be healed.  Until yesterday, it started bleeding again.  Shit.  Hopefully the dizziness won't come back with it.  So far all I've had is nausea this week.  And my blood pressure has dropped to 110/70 (it was kind of high the few weeks after the D&C).

-Selbe

The Book

This book was given to me on the military base when I first found out I was pregnant.  Along with other useless information like pamphlet on why it's not OK to get drunk while pregnant.  I found the book in a stack of papers the other night.  

Things It Addresses:

• lists important doctors numbers & visits
• week by week guide to your pregnancy, warning signs, weight and blood pressure
• space to fill out how your pregnancy is going
• delivery & how to feel after
• list of discomforts of pregnancy
• risks of drug use and STDs
• how to feel during pregnancy
• baby stuff to buy

Of course all to those things are useless to me.  This book is for a healthy pregnancy.  In fact the only to possible problems it addresses are Downs Syndrome and Cystic Fibrosis.  Not even the basic mention on gestational diabetes or preeclampsia.  Nothing about miscarriage, stillbirth, or any of the other many many problems that could arise during pregnancy.  It tell you how to feel during and after pregnancy, but not after you lose your baby.  In fact "miscarriage", "pregnancy loss", etc. are not even mentioned in the glossary.     

Things I Have Learned From the Book:

• drinking, smoking & using cocaine can cause miscarriage & stillbirth babies (the only mention of pregnancy loss)
• if you don't use any birth control for a whole year then you have a 85 in 100 chance of getting pregnant (my ovaries didn't get this memo)
• infertility doesn't seem to exist (because other than the page about twins it doesn't mention trying for a baby)
• I'm obese (according to the height vs. weight chart) 
• my insurance won't pay for an abortion if the baby has a health defect and will pass away before or soon after birth (not sure how my D&C fits into that)
• I dislike this preggo guide and probably everyone that has a healthy pregnancy to go along with it

I'm a drug addict and fat cow, but don't worry I'll get knocked up again soon because I'm going to be irresponsible and not use any birth control (probably for the rest of my life).  

This book looks like a good source of info and a way to track your pregnancy.  I'll throw it in the baby bin in the basement with all the other pregnancy books for now.  I need to order some infertility books, something that is more useful.  

-Selbe