Acceptance

 

My husband and I moved to this area last summer.  He's in the military and is usually gone anywhere from a few days to several months at a time.  Planning anything sucks!  But we got word when we moved here and he was going to be home for a year and half!  Sounded like a good time to have a baby.  He'd be here for appointments, to buy me ice cream at midnight, I wouldn't have to worry about him missing the birth, and he'd be around for longer than the 10 standard days to change diapers.  Perfect time right?  Many others families thought the same thing.  We are currently in the middle of a baby train, one which I am not on.

What did I get this past year?  Knowledge that my body is more fucked up than I thought, and unprotected sex really doesn't = baby.

Bean is stationed here 'til next February, give or take a couple months (military and all).  After that we will be moving again, not sure where.  Our top options are Washington state (most likely), New York and South Carolina.  The job he applied for in Washington gives a whole new set of issues with having children, nothing I can really discuss here though.

Looking back to the start of Clomid I feel like I was so naive.  I never thought I'd see round #5.  My EDD for round #1 was right around Christmas.  I never really wanted a child born around the holidays but Bean would be here.  I have to take what I can get.  EDD for round #2 was at the end of January, right after my own birthday.  Bean, myself and baby would all be born in the same month.  EDD for round #3 was leap day.  What a fun day!  We could probably push it and still be living here.  EDD for round #4 is at the end of March.  Eh nothing then.  But it could still be pushed and I could stay behind.  I really like Dr. S and the local hospital.

I fear moving across country (New Hampshire to Washington) later in a pregnancy.  I  need to pee every two hours now and I'm not even PG.  Just think 3,162 miles worth of sitting in a car?  Plus getting there, finding a place, arranging our belonging to be delivered, and finding another OB/GYN that I actually like (this is pretty hard).  That seems like a lot of stress while being PG.

Before I was in denial, this is now acceptance.  I'm 99% sure I will not be having a child here.  I felt like I was rushing from cycle to cycle to make things work in this time crunch.  I've finally come to terms with things are not going to work out the way I hoped and I no longer need to rush.  I am done.

I've already started asked my IF friend (who is currently in Washington) about the centers out there, along with the cost. I need to start preparing.  Another military wife on one of my forums had a IUI with here husband's frozen sperm since he is currently deployed.  That gives another option.  

I'm not doing so hot on Clomid alone.  My current thought is switching to another drug or adding injectables.  Maybe IUI in the future.  But probably not for awhile.  I'd prefer to make a baby on my bed, or the back seat of the car, or... eh you'll figure it out.  Not artificially.  Plus ovulating twice in ten years doesn't give me much chance of getting PG naturally anyways.  My insurance only covers meds and injectables for natural timed intercourse, not for IUI/IVF.

As for the rest of you on the baby train, I'm fucking envious (it's the truth)!  And I'll send you to my doctor.  I don't think he really knows what to do with me, but great with everyone else.  Although last visit when he mentioned Letrozole (Femara) all on his own I was truly impressed.  It was something I was going to ask for and was sure I was going to get the "why do you want that" response.  (FYI, Femara is currently only FDA approved as a breast cancer drug.  But a large number of women who were on it got PG.  Now it is used much like Clomid to induce ovulation.)

PS I created a Facebook page for this blog.  Like me!

CD26, no O or AF