What About Me?

As I was standing in the check out line at the grocery store the other night the cashier noticed the couple in front of me with the newborn baby.  Of course the cashier began adoring the baby.  My mind was filled with all the bitter things that one infertile could think of.  Along with the "I fucking hate babies" thought.  But the second though that came into my head: "what about me?"  

You can't really tell how long a couple has been TTC by just looking at them.  They could have been TTC for a whole two months, or did IVF after five years.  I admit I automatically go with the first of those two options.  Odds are they couldn't tell you much about most fertility treatments.  The "what about me" question pops into my head when, even though I have no proof, I believe I have been waiting longer for my baby while someone else is getting attention for their newborn.  I think of not just the months we have been TTC for, but years.  I have "done my time" with fertility treatment and think of my past loss.  To be absolutely honest I'm envious.  I wish some cashier (or anyone) was looking at my baby and tell me how beautiful s/he was.  But they are not.  I fall off the radar.  I am non-existent because I'm not a mommy.

I deserve some good attention.  Not some depressing crap when people ask how my fertility treatment is going.  It's going just as crappy as the last time they asked.  But I'd love for someone to look at my big belly, or my newborn or child, and compliment it.  

One of the things that upsets me the most and I was never given a chance at being a mother.  We can think for great mothers out there.  But we can also all think of horrible ones ether from the news or those we actually know.  The women that doesn't deserve to be mothers, or can't take care of the children she already has.  I'm not saying I'm going to be the absolute best mum on the face of the planet, no one it that.  But I have to be better than some of those other examples.  Why is it when the stork comes around to give their baby handouts for the month I am always passed up?  And every other infertile women.  Honestly, we can't be that bad of a future mother.  We are never even given a chance at parenthood.  Not even one tiny bit of chance.  Or worst yet, we are given a chance the baby is taken away from us.  

We have a great home here.  The baby will have his or her own room with painted walls to match the gender.  There will be a new crib and everything else will be brand new.  The best products for 2012, and everything checked for safety.  The SUV we bought last year is awesome.  The yard is a decent size and fenced in.  The baby will have a college fund before even being born.  We are financially stable enough that I can stay home and take care of the child for the first five years of their life.  Fuck I think I almost described a yuppie.  But whatever, none of that seems to be good enough.

The feelings that go with infertility is so complex.  I honestly don't believe one could even understand the emotions unless they have been in the shoes.  There is no "fairness" or waiting your turn.  Sometimes it so hard to justify what is happening.  The only thing we can hold onto is the quote: "everything happens for a reason".  But after a couple years honestly, what is the fucking reason?

The Future

Many days I just want give up on fertility treatment.  Even if money was unlimited, I don't want to do another IUI, I don't want to do IVF, I don't ever want to see Clomid or any of it's fucking friends again, and I hate OPKs.  No more!  I just want to be left alone.  I don't want a newborn, I don't want a child, I like my sleep and freedom.  I want to spend all my money on myself, I want to take off without needing a babysitter.  I want to keep my current body with my non-sagging breasts, and kinda flat stomach.  

And there is my husband with his one fucking million sperm he left me.  I am still angry at that.  It seems like his count keeps getting lower and lower over time.  I asked him to take the CountBoost or FertilAid but he told me those had the some vitamins and such as his regular multivitamin that he already takes.  I never looked into whether that was true or not, nor do I know if he even takes those multivitamins on a daily basis like he should.  What about the occasional alcoholic drink he has?  Or his stressful job?  The last two IUIs were great on my end, one and two eggs.  My cervix isn't a problem since they bypass it with the IUI.  My right fallopian tube isn't a problem since I know at least one egg went down my left tube.  I am left feeling like I should be pointing fingers and you can take a good guess who at.  

Some days I say it's OK I don't have children, or at least anytime soon.  I told Bean years ago if we never have kids I'm getting my boobs picked back up once they begin to sag.  I think the surgery cost less than IVF.  I might even be able to get it done for free if I can convince my health insurance my real boobs cause me emotional pain.  Because it's not like infertility cause anyone emotional issues, ever.  No one gives a fuck about that.  But new plastic boobs, well can't have me crying and being self-conscious about the pair I have now, can we?

I fucking hate life.  

Source

And I don't think there is a God anymore, not that I was 100% sure to begin with.  There I said it, and offended a few people.  I didn't grow up with too much religion in my life.  But somewhere I got in my mind that if I pray enough everything things would be alright and whatever I needed would be given to me.  I did pray, many times.  I'm also done blowing out birthday candles, wishing on stars and throwing pennies into a fountain for the same wish.  I'm sick of answering the same thing each year when Bean asks me what I want as a gifts for holidays.  It's been years since I've asked for a gift other than "baby".  And yes, I equated blowing out candles to prayer.  If there is a God I'm pretty sure he despise me or something, and my feelings seems to be heading that way too.  It's going on three years, God hasn't answered my prayers yet.  Unless you want to count the time I did get PG and it was taken away soon after.  I'd honestly rather of never been pregnant to begin with than be pregnant for a month and lose the baby.  I loved my baby boy but there is pain even today.  I still don't make it a whole week without crying about it.  For Christmas this year I want a really expensive piece of electronics, not even sure what.  And for the birthday, just let me eat the cake.  Fuck you candles.  If I'm stuck on this miserable earth I might as well have fun.  God, we are done.  

Next up on the list of spontaneous and random ideas I have:  skydiving.

Sometimes I look at the last ultrasound photo I have of my baby and think of how beautiful he was.  You can't see his face, or arms or much of anything.  But for some strange reason I find that blob to be beautiful.  

-Selbe

Physical Pain is Nothing

Looking at the last couple years of my fertility journey I've learned that the physical pain from everything is nothing compared to the emotional pain I've felt.

The side effects from the drugs (Clomid mostly) are there and blah.  The blood work is just needles in the arm.  I don't even take a deep breath like they tell me anymore.  It only affect me if they take a large number of vials (6+) on an empty stomach.  Bring a snack to eat after in that case.  The most painful thing about blood work is that sticky tape some offices use to patch you up after.  The internal ultrasounds are nothing.  The wand is the size of your standard dildo.  The HSG was hell, but I'd do it again (with a lot of complaining) if I had to.  Lap surgery left two incisions in my stomach.  It was sore but I didn't take any pain meds and was back at work 3 days later lifting heavy items.  The gas bubbles hurt the most.  The Hysteroscopies and D&E I was fine with.  Up walking around soon after and back to work the next day.  Both IUIs there was cramping, but nothing too terrible.  Injections the in stomach seem to creep more people out than the pain they cause me.  It takes a little force to push the needle to break the skin, but once it's in I am fine.  

Source

Many women would get queasy about the thought of simple the blood work or dildo cam.  None of that is pain to me.  I don't even look at the most painful thing in the world, labor, with fear anymore.  All that stuff is just temporary physical pain.

The emotional pain is what will get you.  Sometimes you go through a cycle with so much hope.  You had sex at the right time, or the IUI/IVF went perfect.  You wait two weeks with all these early pregnancy or implantation symptoms.  You think to yourself that you must be pregnant.  Maybe even take a early pregnancy test and swear you see a faint line.  Come to find out your cycle didn't work.  All the hope you had is now crushed.  The only thing you can do is pick up the piece and try again next cycle.  

Maybe your cycle does work, and then you lose your baby.

After my second ultrasound with my first pregnancy I had to start prepping for the great possibility I would need a D&E.  My emotions were a mess at first.  Why did I have to wait two years for this to only have it taken away?  Why does everyone else get pregnant with the snap of their fingers and they take a healthy baby home from the hospital?  Two weeks later at my fourth ultrasound they confirmed our fear.  They told me my body did everything right for the baby, it was still trying to feed it.  The sac was perfect size for a 10 week old.  But the baby wasn't perfect size.  It was no longer moving and the heart had stopped.  The following day was my 27th birthday, the day after I was in surgery for my D&E.  By the time my D&E came I was fine, I had already disconnected from my baby.  But never the same person I was before.

I went back to work before my D&E.  Most days I was so dizzy but my RE told me as long as I wasn't bleeding excessively then there was no need to go to the ER.  I had my insurance card in my pocket along with a brief note about what was wrong with me and my emergency contact.  Just in case because some days I was so sure I'd pass out with the building moving so much.  The dizziness went on for months, later diagnosed as Vertigo, but the worst of it ended after the D&E.

The thing that upset me the most were my boobs.  As soon as I hit 5 or 6 weeks pregnant my areolas began getting larger, along with the standard soreness.  Weeks after my D&E I remember standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror.  My areolas were still large and my boobs sore.  My body was still hormonally pregnant.  It made me angry and I just wanted everything to return to normal.  Those sore breasts where for pregnancy, and I was no longer pregnant.  One day I even wore a bathing suit top in the shower because I didn't want to feel the water hitting them and reminding me.

Emotional pain like this story hurts me way more than any physical pain of fertility treatment.  

-Selbe

Moving On

View of Seattle from ferry on the way to my IUI Saturday

I've been on the waiting list for my old job since June.  I listed my store preference as the local one about 10 minutes from here, and then my second choice much farther away as a back up (hoping I'd get picked up by the local one).  It had been about 60 days and no store took a bite at me.  Nothing!  I get priority over new hires and I'm sure each one of these stores have begun hiring for the holiday season.  At the end of the 60 days I got re-added to the wait list, for the same local store, another one father away, and their brand new store in Seattle.

Again the local store has blown me off.  They don't even return my calls.  I was beginning to wonder if my employee file was that bad.

Today I got a call from the store in Seattle and they want me to coming in Monday to talk with them.  

It's a hike to get there, but I calculated the price for public transportation and as long as I'm working at least two hours each shift it will cover it.  

I was in shock, this store is brand new (just opened less than two months ago).  And there are so many more people in Seattle.  

Cons:

• Cheapest way to get there is taking three forms of transportation
• To get there:
• Step one
• I can drive my car the 10-15 minutes to the ferry terminal. Cost: free, except gas.  I have to park my car at the terminal after this.  Cost $11/day  OR
• I can walk to the bus station 2 blocks from my house and take the bus to the ferry.  Cost: $2  But option is only available during morning and afternoon.
• Step Two
• Ride the ferry to Seattle.  Takes about 35 minutes.  Cost: free
• Step Three
• Walk the .5 mile (about 15 minutes) to the store.  Cost: free  OR
• Bus, takes the same amount of time as walking.  Cost: $2
• To get home:
• Step One
• Walk.  Cost: free
• Step Two
• Ferry:  Cost: $8
• Step Three
• Drive car home.  Cost: free  OR
• Bus:  $2
• Or I can get a monthly pass for the ferry, making it $16 a trip.  And hope the company I work for lets me park in their parking garage for free.
• Public transportation doesn't run on my schedule, I go by theirs.  The ferry can be a hold up, since the buses run off the ferry schedule they are in sync.  So my hour travel time might be longer with waiting around.

Pros:

• It's brand new, and coming from a newer store I'd rather go to a newer store
• It's one of three (I think) stores in the world like it.  It's a honor to work there.  (At least as far as retail stores go, but not for everyone else.)
• Opportunity of a lifetime.  
• It's a block from one of Seattle's largest tourist areas, Pike Place.
• I'll get to explore Seattle some more.
• They close earlier.

I'm not sure if I will take the job yet.  

I can't keep sitting around my house though.  I do have friends here, but not many and I don't expect them to want to hang out with me everyday.  My husband is gone and some days I don't leave the house at all, let alone talk to another human in person.  I dreamed of having a baby and staying home with him or her.  Watching him stand and teaching colours.  Bean is always gone, so I'm not going to drop my child off at daycare for the little time he has with a parent.  And I never planned to work during a pregnancy ether.  Not because I'm lazy, but because of my weak cervix and fear the baby is just going to fall out.  But I don't have a baby, and I'm not pregnant.  Looking into the future it looks like nether of those are going to happen anytime soon.  I need to move on.  Starting a family and being a mommy is a great dream, but it's not a dream that's happening right now.  

I always think of being in your 20's as one of two things: becoming a mommy, or partying all the time.  I've watched so many of my friends who are in the same age group get pregnant and give birth.  I very much wish I was with them, I'm envious of them.  But due to my infertility I can't join them.  (Unless someone just wants to hand me $13,000 for one cycle of IVF).  I almost feel like I'm held back.  I can't move forward with my dream.  I can't contribute to all the pregnancy talk (not like I fit in anyways) nor all the conversations that go with having a child.  I'm left out, even more so being a military wife.  There are events I go to where I'm the only one there without children.  I guess the other side is being a drunk.  I do like to go out and have fun, but I'm too old to do that all the time.  Where do I fit in?

I need to move on with my life NOT as the mommy-to-be I wish I was.

I refuse to test this cycle 'til at least September 25th.  I can't stand seeing anymore bare white test.  Or worse, imaginary lines that seem to exist in my head, in certain light, when I shake the test. I should have AF by the 25th anyways. 

-Selbe

Promises for the Future

The one positive I have to say from trying for a baby for an extended period of time is that I get to see what everyone else has done in their pregnancy.  Somethings I really like and would have never thought of that idea myself.  Pinterest has helped a lot with this.  And then sometimes I see things, and well, I promise myself I will never do.  

Things I will not do in future pregnancies:

Orange 3-D Ultrasounds

I like the 3-D/4-D ultrasounds and I do plan on paying out-of-pocket for one during my PG.  But why do they have to be orange?  It's like there is an Oompa Loompa in there.  I used hide under the covers when those creepy things came out to do their dance.  Unless my child has Jaundice I really don't think having them be orange is going to make me bond better.  I will change all those 3-D photos to black and white.  

Pregnancy Lineup

You know when they have all the preggos at the party or whatnot stand in a line for a photo.  Then everyone gets to compare the belly sizes and how many weeks along you are.  I don't mind belly photos in general and have no problem being photographed myself.  But don't make me stand in a line with other women like I just committed a crime and someone now needs to pick me out.  

I think deep down this brings out fear of being compared to others.  Not in the fat vs skinny way.  But that I'm not the same as them.  I had struggles, and they go much deeper than how big my bump is.

Rant - "It's in the Water..."

I HATE this saying.  Why do people have to equate a large number of women getting PG at once by saying something is in the water?  Do people really think there is something fucking in the water?  I know it's just a saying.  It just pisses me off when someone has zero knowledge of infertility says it to me.  Or any other crappy advice I'm given.  Old post but: 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility: There's Something in the Water

Name & Nursery Ideas

We thought of some more ideas.  Actually it was more me thinking of everything and my husband agreeing, for now. 

Girl - Pink & brown room theme, with owls.  Name:  Lillian Airi, or Arri

Boy - Blue & brown theme, with elephants.  Name:  never got that far

Lily, or Lillian, has been picked out for years.  Bean told me a long time ago that I needed to thing of an 'A' middle name so her initials would be LAB.  I'm not sure why.  It took me a year and a half to find Airi, and now he doesn't even remember the LAB idea.  Anyways good thing I'm infertile and had plenty of time to think of a middle name.

I'm hesitant to use owls because I know several people that have already decorated a child's room with them.  Owls = protection, elephants = good luck.  That seems fitting for any child of mine.

-Selbe

Not You, It's Me

It's Not You, It's Me

Source

I met you online before I moved here and we have a few common interests.  I know you have struggled with infertility in the past too.

I don't even know if you read this.  You have never mentioned this blog or anything on it, nor commented on it.  So maybe I'll send this to you in an email someday.  

We live near one another now yet we rarely hang out.  And when we do I'm kind of distant.  

See the thing is, when I was going through my miscarriage, you got pregnant naturally.  Your due date is close to mine.  September I believe.  So close that when I see that you have ultrasounds done, mention how great it is to feel movement, or whatever baby shopping that has been done I feel sad.  I am happy for you.  But I reminds me of what I would be doing right now with my baby boy, if he hadn't died.  That makes me hurt.

I know you've done fertility treatment before.  So we are equal in that sense.  But you've never felt loss.  I know you don't fully understand the emotions that float around in my head about my miscarriage.  Nor would I ever want you to.  And please don't feel bad for me.

I'm sorry I don't ask you how your baby is doing.  Or other baby related things going on in your life. I'm sorry I don't call or text to make plans to spend time with you.  I'm sorry I had to hide all your posts on Facebook, yet I do check on you once a day just to make sure you are OK.  I'm sorry I'm such a poor infertility friend, though if the tables were turned I wouldn't blame you.  

I'm trying to perverse my sanity and emotional well-being.  Like the bad break-up line, it really is me.

But if you do need a ride to the hospital, someone to come sit with you, need someone to bring a meal, someone to care for your pets or want me to show up at the hospital to photograph your newborn for free (like I've done for so many other military families), please feel free to call.

Cycle Moved Up

I started spotting Saturday.  I'm confused by it since it takes my body forever to respond to Provera.  This shouldn't be happening this early!  Maybe my Met is doing something for me.  But really it doesn't matter, it will push my next cycle up by a week but there was nothing pending on those dates to begin with.  I think Monday will be CD1 since there is more spotting and the cramping is getting worse.  But I've been wrong before.

Pregnancy Test Sale

One of the pharmacies had a sale on FRER HPT last week, plus I had my coupons.  I bought a bunch of them.  I remember the day I used to get embarrassed when I'd have to buy a pregnancy test.  And now I grab like five boxes and tell the cashier I don't even need a bag to hide them in.  

And remember those times you used to shave down there for your annual pap smear because you didn't want to be hairy and gross for the doctor.  And now you don't even care if Bigfoot is hanging out in your panties?  OK that's a lie.  I still have to make everything presentable.  I don't even know why, not like it matters anymore.

-Selbe

World in the Eyes of Fertiles & Infertiles

I saw this story shared on Facebook: Mother Drives With 5-Week-Old on Top of Car.  She was under the influence of drugs so that's a good excuse for forgetting the baby on the roof and driving off.  *sigh*

---

It's been awhile since I posted one of these Fertiles vs Infertiles.  Last one was in January for my pregnancy week-by-week checklist.

	How Fertiles Think:	How Infertiles Think:
	Someone who gets pregnant with no medical intervention AND carries to term.	The rest of us.
Infertility	Rare, not common.  Comes with questions like: "Have you tired this drug/diet/product/etc?", "Someone I know who knows this person did _ & got pregnant", "Are you sure you're doing it right?" or some comment about God.	Welcome! Endo, PCOS, thyroid, unexplained?  Who cares you are one of us!  What procedures, surgeries, or meds have you done?  Starts sharing stories.
Fertiles	[insert some talk about baby showers, gender ultrasounds, strollers, baby food]	Naive.  The stuff they say with their lack of knowledge is even funny at time.  Always happy.
Singleton Pregnancy	Common, everyone can have one easily.	Amazing, our goal.
Twins	That's pretty cool.	Very common, almost desired.
Triples	Amazing.	Can be common, exciting, a lot of money/work.
4, 5, 6...	OMG!  Lucky almost.	Umm, there's a problem.
Miscarriage	Rare.  Missed miscarriage doesn't exist.  You know when your baby dies because you'll be gushing blood everywhere.	Common, most of us have had several.
Painful Testing	Comes with whining & a FB status post (or two).	Suck it up, it's life.
Giving Birth	Pain!  Worried about.	Whatever!  Who cares anymore?  I have more important things to worry about.
Hoping labour comes early so I can...	... be more comfortable.  I'm in pain & can't sleep.	... hold my baby in my arms & make sure s/he's alive.
Fertility Treatment	Needle.  Multiples.  [insert a comment about Jon & Kate Plus 8]	Everyday practice for many of us.
Baby Departments at the store	Shopping there often, look at all this cute stuff!	I refuse to even look.
Baby Shower	Cake, decorations, all the stuff people will buy for my baby.	Meh...
Cervix	Probably the same thing as your ovaries, or "You touch that thing?"	High up in vagina, feels like a donut.  Soft when fertile, hard when not.  Gate keeper to womb.
Ovaries	Probably the same as the cervix.  They are interchangeable.	Follicle size needs to be around 20mm when triggering.
Grass is Greener for:	Infertiles.  They have all that money since they don't have to buy diapers.  So lucky to go on cruises & buy new cars.  I'm just stuck here with a screaming baby.	Fertiles.  They have free babies without shelling out a lot of money on fertility treatment.  Though it may not be easy at times, they get to watch their children grow.
Baby #2	Going to get pregnant September 2013.	If it's not a twin from #1 then the thought doesn't exist.
Semen Analysis	Eww your husband jerks off in "public"?	My favorite appointments because they are easy & I'm not getting stuck with needles or the internal ultrasound.
Ultrasound	you have to drink a lot of water... you're fully dressed... they put this gel on your stomach... then you get to bring home all these photos	I pee three minutes before my U/S... "Fully dressed" meaning my nips are not out?  Because the last seven I've had my pants are off & vajayjay out for the world to see  ... WTF is this gel shit?  And they are NOT touching my stomach.  The ultrasound is on my uterus, not stomach... There are no photos.
Fights with the daddy daddy	Complains on FB.  Threatens to leave him & have abortion.  < OK, this doesn't always happen.  But pretty amusing when I see it in my newsfeed.	Locks myself in a separate room for an hour or two until I calm down.  Then offers to buy Taco Bell for dinner.
Adoption	For infertile women & people that like chinese babies.  Free & easy to get. Thousands of newborn babies just waiting for homes today!	Possibility.  Need to accept the child might not look like me.  A lot of paperwork & costing 15-60k.  Newborns are rare.  It's not any cheaper to adopt from over countries with travel expenses.  Best bet is to adopt older children.  Might have health problems and/or comes in groups with over siblings.
OPKs	Use phone app or other online program to tell when I've ovulating.  Free!	Please no more!  Just monitor me with ultrasounds.
Sore Boobs (or any other PG symptom)	Preggo!	Fucking progesterone.
Ovulation	If you're a women you have to ovulate.	That has happened a few times in my life.
D&C	For abortion.	For when the baby you tried so hard for dies.
Irregular Cycles	Being 3 or 5 days late.	Being 3 or 5 months late.
TTC for a Long Time	3 months	Over a year
TTC for a Really Long Time	4 months	3 years
FMU	Fuck My Uggs	First Morning Urine
Acronyms	WTF?	LMP 4.1.12 CD64 HPT & BW BFN - no AF since MC Vitex #3, waiting for IUI/Clomid/Ovidrel
	Fertiles see infertiles as bitter & cruel.  Better than them almost.	Infertiles see fertiles as naive & lacking basic pregnancy knowledge.

-Selbe

I've Changed

Source

I used to get excited for pregnancy and all things I could purchase for my new baby.  I'd start shopping and getting the nursery ready during the first trimester.  Family and friends would send me cute stuff in the mail.  Then there would be my baby shower and we would all welcome the birth.  Such a happy and excited time.

Two years later and one loss.  I've changed.

I regretted the fact I did buy a few small things for my first pregnancy.  Buying those things gave me hope.  Not matter how much hope you have it still can't change the future.   As a result I bought items and then my baby died.

I really don't see myself buying much early on during my next pregnancy.  The nursery will go unpainted week after week.  It's just not in me anymore.  There is a fear to getting excited and then having to come home without a baby.  Looking into the doorway at the nursery seems so painful.  Pregnancy is an exciting time, but it is also a time full of worrying.  

When I look at what is ahead of me with getting pregnant and then carrying a baby to term it feels like two large mountains.  The first is the fertility treatments to get pregnant.  The second is to get to 40 weeks (or somewhere close) with my damaged cervix.  I'm not sure how to climb up and over the mountains, yet I keep trying.

-Selbe

Second Place Gift

7 Weeks

It's kind of embarrassing to admit I feel this way.  Every so often this happens.

My husband asked for a dog for years and years.  I'm not really a dog person, I've never owned one growing up.  I've always told my husband no, they are too much work.  After this past year of infertility and just a crappy year in general Bean again asked for a dog.  I said yes this time.

1. My year couldn't possible get anymore crappy than it already was.  At the time I had gone through five failed attempts at Clomid and lap surgery.  
2. A dog and all the stuff that goes with a puppy is cheaper than fertility treatment.

So we bought a five week old puppy, he came home a few weeks later.  Puppy was $800 and all the stuff to go with him was $400, still cheaper than a round of IUI.  Plus he was a "baby" and I wanted a baby (human, not dog) so maybe this would do for now.

I did have a few people on Facebook troubled that I bought a puppy and didn't adopt a dog out of a shelter.  Yes, there are a lot of dogs in the shelter being put to sleep.  I do feel sorry for them.  It's sad that bad things have to happen to good animals (or people) that don't deserve it.  One of the biggest things I've learned with infertility is that life is not fair.  The next dog I get I promise I will look in a shelter first.  But if I never have a newborn baby, please let me have a newborn dog at least once in my life.  

Even before the dog arrived I thought, "maybe this is it for me?"  Maybe there is no baby for me?

We got Loki and a week later I found out I was pregnant.  My dream! 

A month later I lost the baby.   

I looked at Loki with resentment.  I know he didn't cause the miscarriage.  But he was my second place gift.  The gift I got because first place didn't work out.  And now it really didn't work out.  I so very much wanted first place.  I just wanted a baby of my own.  

He's not a bad dog.  I don't blame him for any of it, the infertility and miscarriage were not his fault.  And I surely don't abuse him.  However, I feel like I haven't been able to 100% bound with him because of this.  

I wonder if this was a one time miscarriage.  I just happened to fall into the percentage that naturally miscarries.  Or if what they say about how many women miscarry their first is true.  That the body just doesn't know what to do the first time.  But then what if I fall victim to RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss).  I don't think I could go through this over and over again like some women.

I know many people have it much easier than myself.  But I also know there are a lot of people out there that have it way worse.  I try to tell myself that when I'm feeling down and remind myself of what I do have.  I tell myself maybe that baby wasn't the right baby for me.  Even thought I very much so wanted it, maybe there is a better baby out there for me.  One that turns out to be super smart.  Or maybe boy-girl twins like I want (not greedy though).  Even after the doctor said there was something wrong I immediately though "well fix it".  It doesn't work that way with a fetus smaller than a flax seed.    Bean even questions how we would have been able to deal with a child born with severe mental or physical problems.

6 Months

Many days a week I still wonder what I could have done better in those early weeks of pregnancy so my baby could still be alive.  But really there are women that smoke, drink and do drugs during pregnancy.  And I keep going over the fact that 800mg of folic acid wasn't enough, or the fish sandwich I had once had mercury in it, or drinking a can of soda every so often was too much.  Maybe those things killed my baby.  Then I realize those thoughts are ridiculous. 

I'm trying to make myself feel better on this Mother's Day.  I admit often I do start crying silently.  Tear running down my face and then I fall to the floor.  I lean up against a wall or cabinet curled up in a ball crying.  This goes on for 5 or 10 minutes.  Then I get up off the floor and go on with my day.

Today I am hanging out with Loki all day (though I do most days anyways) and I will hug him over and over again.  I might not have the baby I dream of but I have to remind myself that I do at least have him.

-Selbe

The Things People Say

Pap Smear

Myself, because I don't
post many photos of me.

I have another appointment on the 17th (I think) for a basic pap smear.  It's with my primary doctor (PCM) because my insurance doesn't let me see a OBGYN for that.  Pap smears are easy for me, especially after everything else I've had done.  It's the PCM part that scares me.  The last one didn't know what she was doing, couldn't find my cervix (yeah, I know) and ended up shoving her fingers into it.  You'd figure because the doctor is a women and had those parts that she'd know what gentle means.

Me:  "I have really bad menstrual cramps."

Female Dr: "Yeah that's normal."

Me:  "No, they are REALLY bad."

Female Dr:  "Yup, normal."

Me:  "I haven't gotten my period in three months."

Female Dr: "Normal."

Me:  "I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME."

They also don't listen.  I like male doctors better. 

Shaking My Head

Sometimes people send me message or post comments on Facebook that all I can do is shake my head.  I thought I'd bundle up a few of them to share.

Example 1

Example 1 sent me a Facebook message congratulating on my pregnancy, four month AFTER my miscarriage.  Thanks but yeah... She saw my ultrasound photos from January, the ones that mention D&C and where everyone commented saying they were sorry.  

Example 2

Example 2 was a comment from a family friend.  I'm not sure if she is talking about OPKs, saliva ferning or she's just confused.  Probably the last one.  I'm going to assume OPKs.  I've used them once or twice (ha!).  See there is something called PCOS.  My ovaries do pretty much fucking nothing every day of their life.  It doesn't matter how many of those strips I piss on, if I don't ovulate there is no "right time".  No eggs, no babies.  Got it?  Taking away "pop" might work.  We don't normally have "bears" walking around unless you count the dog, good there.  No alcohol would probably help.  Tight underwear, ha!  I make sure there are no tighty whities in this house!  I wonder how long someone has to trying to believe these little "tips" really work.  Two, maybe three, months?

Example 3

Example 3 was left on this post for me.  So I generally blog about my our infertility and pregnancy loss.  I'm sorry I couldn't make it sound happier.  It's not really a happy topic to talk about.

• "Yes!  More nausea today.  All this throwing up is going to make me lose weight."
• "The rage from these fertility drugs is great.  I love telling people what I really think of them."
• "I love throw and destroy things during rage, it shows the durablity of items.  Except this calendar.  I didn't really like those landscape scenes anyways."
• "Transvaginal utlrasound today!  It's like using a dildo that doesn't move?"
• "More bloodwork = awesome bandaid wrap thing!"
• "So glad my baby's heart stopped, now I don't have to be pregnant in the summer."
• "I didn't want a January baby anyways."
• "I love that fertility treatment costs so much.  I mean what else could I spend me money on?"
• "Welfare is great because it's like a have millions of kids that I pay for, but I don't ever have to deal with their crying!"

There you go.  There is your positive blog of an infertile women who lost her baby.  

-Selbe

Happy Mother's Day

I saw this on another blog today, International Bereaved Mothers Day.

Like most infertile women I hate Mother's day.  It's the fact that I want to be a mother but can't, then watching everything else celebrate it.  People put moms to a high pedestal like some sort of god you need to shower with material gifts.

What if there was a Mommy Pet Owners Day?  For my ferrets in the last 24 hours I gave them food, water and treats.  I wiped their cage down with Wet Ones and emptied and refilled two litter boxed full of shit and piss.  For my puppy in the last 24 hours I brought him to the dog park where he got diarrhea and pooped all down his fur.  I brought him home with poopy all over his butt since I didn't have anything to clean it.  Later I had to wipe and brush the poop out of him while he ran away in fear of the whole process.  He has also been feed.  I picked up his toys only to find them scattered all over again.  I got woken up several times this morning thanks to him making noise.  And I picked up all the dog poop around the yard. Even though I did all that a Mommy Pet Owners Day sounds silly.  I am just doing basic care and I knew what I was in for when I got them.  I don't need flowers or a card says I'm an amazing pet owners for wiping my six month old puppy's butt.  Just promise not to destroy my house too much and have Daddy Pet Owner buy me a milkshake every once and awhile.

Even when I become a Mother I don't expect to celebrate it.  Especially not now.  Not after these last few years of infertility, not after losing my baby.  Any couple can become parents (except infertile ones), it doesn't take many brain cells.  However, it's not always guaranteed they'll be good parents.  Just because someone figured out that vagina + penis = baby, or forgot to use a condom doesn't mean they need to be celebrated.  

After infertility, waiting years, injections, drugs with horrible side effects, procedures, surgery, and losing our babies on Mother's Day we are thrown to the side and forgotten.  No one ever sends a card to a women who has had another failed fertility treatment.  No one ever sends flowers to a women on Mother's Day remembering her stillborn or miscarriage baby.  The world shuts our sadness out.  

I don't know when Mother's Day is this year, nor do I really care.  What I would love is for infertility and pregnancy loss to be not so taboo.  

I'm sure they'll be another post about Mother's Day whenever Facebook alerts me that it is here.

For now, those that have lost their baby at 5 weeks, 11 weeks, 18 weeks, 24 weeks or 40 weeks, or if you are just struggling with infertility, I'm sorry, and I wish I could send flowers to each one of you.  Happy Mother's Day to you!


Links

If you have lost a baby in the past you might want to check out Christian's Beach to have your little ones name written in the sand off this beautiful beach in AU.

-Selbe

Attack of the Giant Maxi Pads

Giant maxi pads are unsexy.

This was inspired by Bébé Suisse's post.

I don't normally wear pads.  They are thick (well getting thinner), and long like a giant diaper.  I can't wear the normal short ones because I bleed out the front or the back each time I've used them.  Not sure if it's me or if I'm not supposed to move in them or something.  They are uncool and I can't wear them with a thong.  And I'm still worried people can see my pad outline by looking at my butt, yes I thought I'd outgrow this too.  They are avoid at all cost.

Drop Rating System

I finally got rid of them all right before I got pregnant, prefect timing.  Then I lost my baby.  I was stuck going to Wal-Mart to find some sort of giant pad for this problem.  It's not like a can stick a tampon in there and come back 8 hours later.  I'm going to A. miscarry at home, where the baby and everything baby related is going to fall out of me, or B. I'll have a D&C, and then I can't stick anything inside me for awhile anyways so pads are the only option. 

I walked up and down the aisle looking at all the options.  I've heard the horror story of gushing blood and baby parts everywhere.  What would be the best pad since it's like like they market ones just for this.

(After my D&C it never ended up being that bad, so I was OK.)

I got to the checkout and the cashier started talking about the product I choose and whether I liked it.  I responded with some quick answer.  And then she went on and on about the product.  I stopped listening.

What I wanted to say:  "I have a dead baby inside of me and I'm only buying this product because I'm in the middle of a miscarriage and I really hope to get knocked up again soon after this so I never have to use the product again."

I know the friendly Wal-Mart cashier doesn't want to hear this.  I just move along.

The current dose of medication:

• Provera 10mg - 1x day (I think for three more days, to induce my period, medically) 
• Vitex 400mg - 3x a day = 1200mg (forever pretty much, to level out my hormones)
• Vitamin C 500mg - 4 at a time, 3x a day = 6000mg (two or three more days, to induce my period, herbally)

Do I have a say even if I'm not a mother, or haven't been pregnant for 40 weeks?

I saw this conversation on Facebook the other day.  Nothing against the person who posted it, conversations like this happen all the time.  As infertile women (with no children), do we even have a say when it comes to parenting and pregnancy?  Because we are not a mother are we just expected to keep quiet?  Sometimes I do feel odd when I'm put in conversations with people that talk about their pregnancy and a new baby.  What do you really want me to say?  And is what I say really taken seriously?

Here's a shocker:  Being infertile for 3 years makes you much more knowledgeable about conception and pregnancy than one might think.

Please don't tell me to try ovulation predictor kits, or have some certain tests.  I've had more things shoveled up my vagina, peed on more tests, and swallowed more combinations of pills that you'd ever know.  And if I haven't had said test, procedure or taken a certain medication it's probably because it cost a lot more money they you think it does.  And no, my insurance does not cover it.  

-Selbe

Being Happy For Pregnant Women

I went to work today and worked a 8.5 hour shift.  I thought about not going in at all.  My back hurt from working late the night before, I was tired, and still nauseous.  But I sucked it up.  

I mentioned my 19-year-old co-worker that accidentally got pregnant.  She is 20-ish weeks along now.  It just kind of upsets me that my baby was planned and took a lot of trying, only for it to die.  I see her and the healthy  baby bump everyday.  It's very hard to look at her some days.  Or hear other co-workers talking about the baby.  She calls out A LOT... for being pregnant.  I've never made it past 10 weeks, my input and experience doesn't count much.  But I think of all the times I went to work during my miscarriage, and then returning back the day after my D&C.  I sucked it up and showed up.  Pregnancy is not an excuse!  Nor is a miscarriage.  It was my own fault for getting pregnant, I wanted it.  Even during my miscarriage I was called in to cover her ass. Doesn't it seem odd that I'm the one in the middle of losing my baby, and I'm having to cover for someone who got pregnant on accident.  I don't blame the company, I chose to go in and get on with my life.  It seems ironic.  

During my long shift today I realized I wish was I was more happy for those that are pregnant around me.  Sometimes it's hard to show that I'm happy for someone that has gotten something I want so easy.  (Other infertile women I am much more tolerant of.)  I understand it's a happy time in their life, it'd be a happy time in my life too.  If I was them.  It's hard to be ecstatic for someone when all you feel is pain inside.  I wish I could see it from their eyes.  That's a new goal, although I think an unrealistic one.  I've been infertile for too long.  

I wish I could see the happiness and not pain.

I am happy for them deep down, even though most of the time I don't show it.  But I also very sad for myself.  I wish God (or narwhal god) would make them wait a month or two longer, and give myself or another infertile a chance.  But this isn't pick a number like at the local deli.  It's not first-come, first-served.  It's more like a gamble.  Sometimes we are hanging out at the deli for way too long waiting for our turkey.  Only to watch person after person cut in line and get served.  The only thing we can do is stand off to the side, because saying something is socially unacceptable.  Our biggest fear: we finally do get up there and there is no turkey, or ham or yummy cheddar cheese left.  There is nothing left for us.

I wish I was better at throwing on a face smile and saying "congrats".  

Please pray to narwhal god that my next cycle (April) shows happiness again.

-Selbe

Provera #4

Good Luck State

This area is bad luck.

I didn't grow up around here.  People often ask me if I like living here.  I fucking hate it.  I don't mind the area so much, it's just that everything I touch turns to shit.  Something always goes horribly wrong.  At first I wanted to "fix" it, then realized there was no way.  I thought I'd list the bad things that have happened.

Bad:

1. I lost a lot of friends.  I moved here with a few good friends.  Something happened with one of them (that wasn't my fault) and I ended up losing the whole group of them.  They came around eventually so that was good.  But I spend a lot of time alone for awhile.  - Aug. '10
2. My husband's best friend attacked me.  I was never the same after that. - Sept. '10
3. My mum came to visit.  About 30 minutes after picking her up she fell down my stairs and broke her arm.  She ended up having to spend the night in the hospital. - Sept. '10
4. My husband missed our first anniversary and bought me a really nice camera lens to make up for it.  My Pell Grant for school decided to drop me and I had to sell the lens to make up the money. - Sept. '10
5. My ferret Munchlet got diagnosed with terminal cancer and needs surgery. - Oct. '10
6. Munchlet's surgery got canceled because he has an enlarged heart. - Dec. '10
7. I got food poisoning on Christmas day and Bean ended up having to take me to the ER. - Dec. '10
8. I cried for the first time over a negative pregnancy test. - Dec. '10
9. I got told I'm infertile. - Dec. '10
10. My husband's asshole of a friend (see #2) ruined a holiday party of me by spilling beer all over my clothes.  - Jan. '11
11. I have really bad allergies and require shots each week. - Mar. '11
12. Some asshole totaled my favorite car. - Apr. '11
13. My new car gives me tons of problems. - May '11
14. My fertility drugs stop working, for the third time. - Aug. '11
15. A really painful HSG requires Lap surgery. - Sept. '11
16. Stinker dies. - Nov. '11
17. The heartbeat on my first child stops and I need D&C surgery. - Jan. '12
18. I put Munchlet to sleep. - Feb. '12
19. D&C then requires a Hysteroscopy surgery. - Mar. '12

And then the good so I don't seem like such a pessimist.

Good:

1. I got a new couch. - Oct. '10
2. I got a new OBGYN.  - Mar. '11
3. I got a new car.  Thanks to #11 totaling it. - Apr. '11
4. Bean got a new car.  - Jun. '11
5. I got a new job and love the people I work with. - Jun. '11
6. I got a new RE.  (See #13) - Aug. '11
7. I got a dog named Loki. - Dec. '11
8. I got pregnant for the first time with a herbal drug.  (Then see #16) - Dec. '11
9. I trading my car in and dyed my hair blue thank to #16. - Jan. '12

Good Luck Necklace I Got

So outside of the materialist items I'm going to say my experience living here has been pretty crappy.  I've lost my health, my pets, and my child.  You can't simply replace those with a trip to the store.  I like my local friends around here.  But I am very happy to be leaving.  I feel like everything that could go wrong has here.  I don't know of anyways to fix it besides just getting up and leaving.

I still feel like crap!

My stomach hurts to much, usually in the morning or at night.  On an empty stomach or full one. Sometimes I just want to throw up and get everything else. This is like the two week wait symptoms I had for my pregnancy in December, but worse.  But the RE said pregnancy would be impossible since ovulation never happened at 0.5 progesterone.   I envy every preggo with morning sickness right now, least they are getting something out of it.  And the boobs still hurt.

-Selbe

Provera #3

Feeling Pregnant

Sometimes I still feel pregnant.

Dumb, I know.  I don't know if it is because I might be in my two week wait (I don't know for sure), or my progesterone is higher than normal, or that since I have been pregnant before I now know the symptoms to look for.  Maybe even making up those symptoms.

Like today for example.  I keep getting nauseous.  I eat and it goes away, but an hour later it returns.  I had a Luna bar for breakfast.  I started getting nauseous and was starving by first break at work, so I had my Greek yogurt and flax seeds (what was supposed to be my lunch).  Nauseous and starving again, for lunch I went and bought food.  By break two, same story.  I finished my lunch then.  Same thing when it was time to go home.  Then I thought the last time I got these short bouts of nausea was right before I found out I was pregnant, and didn't know what it was yet.  Come to think about it I was starving then too.  My stupid mind things maybe I am pregnant?

I quickly push that thought aside.  

 BFN (negative) after miscarriage

Same goes for the pregnancy tests.  Even though my beta was <5 last week sometimes I swear I still see a faint double line.  I have to be going insane.  That or my test are super sensitive.  Or now that I know where the second line is supposed to be I imagine it there.  

Or squishing my boob because I think they might be sore when moved a certain way.

The most practical answer is I'm a crazy infertile and probably making things up hoping to look for a way I might be pregnant.  

Fucking crazy...

Have any of you post-miscarriage women done the same thing?

And I'm nauseous again...

My body is exhausted from work.  I just worked the last six days in a row, 42 hours total.  I want to sleep forever.  And my back is killing me.  Today starts my weekend though and I'm happy for that.

My pre-op appointment is Thursday for my surgery.  I might mention to the RE the ovulation type pain I had last week and "accidentally" having sex twice around that time (nothing is a fucking accident in infertility).  Maybe get him to do a progesterone test on me Friday to see where my levels are.  The surgery can't be done on someone who is pregnant, it will kill the baby.  You're supposed to use protection CD1 and on to prevent against pregnancy.  Well I never had a CD1 after my D&C, so yeah, no protection was used.

The menstrual cramps I was having have gone away.  I thought they were going to be the start of AF, my first period since my D&C (it's been almost 7 weeks!)  It got worse and worse, then went away.  Fucking cock tease.  Well never mind there.

-Selbe

The Book

This book was given to me on the military base when I first found out I was pregnant.  Along with other useless information like pamphlet on why it's not OK to get drunk while pregnant.  I found the book in a stack of papers the other night.  

Things It Addresses:

• lists important doctors numbers & visits
• week by week guide to your pregnancy, warning signs, weight and blood pressure
• space to fill out how your pregnancy is going
• delivery & how to feel after
• list of discomforts of pregnancy
• risks of drug use and STDs
• how to feel during pregnancy
• baby stuff to buy

Of course all to those things are useless to me.  This book is for a healthy pregnancy.  In fact the only to possible problems it addresses are Downs Syndrome and Cystic Fibrosis.  Not even the basic mention on gestational diabetes or preeclampsia.  Nothing about miscarriage, stillbirth, or any of the other many many problems that could arise during pregnancy.  It tell you how to feel during and after pregnancy, but not after you lose your baby.  In fact "miscarriage", "pregnancy loss", etc. are not even mentioned in the glossary.     

Things I Have Learned From the Book:

• drinking, smoking & using cocaine can cause miscarriage & stillbirth babies (the only mention of pregnancy loss)
• if you don't use any birth control for a whole year then you have a 85 in 100 chance of getting pregnant (my ovaries didn't get this memo)
• infertility doesn't seem to exist (because other than the page about twins it doesn't mention trying for a baby)
• I'm obese (according to the height vs. weight chart) 
• my insurance won't pay for an abortion if the baby has a health defect and will pass away before or soon after birth (not sure how my D&C fits into that)
• I dislike this preggo guide and probably everyone that has a healthy pregnancy to go along with it

I'm a drug addict and fat cow, but don't worry I'll get knocked up again soon because I'm going to be irresponsible and not use any birth control (probably for the rest of my life).  

This book looks like a good source of info and a way to track your pregnancy.  I'll throw it in the baby bin in the basement with all the other pregnancy books for now.  I need to order some infertility books, something that is more useful.  

-Selbe

Life is Not Great

Fuck you, Rosie the riveter

"Life is great."  This is what I heard from an older customer at work last right.  She was excited for another grandchild.  I stopped listening after this.  Back to life being great.  Blah.  This person obviously hasn't walked around in my shoes around for any length of time.  My blog anniversary is in early March.  One thing I have learned in the past year: life is not great, life is unfair and cruel and a miserable pit that we are forced to live in everyday.  Only thing we can do is pick up the pieces and move forward.  Try to make today better than the past.

The other thing that took me by surprise is how proud she was.  Growing up I've never felt like my family was proud of me.  Verbal abuse showed me I fucked everything up in life.  Everything good I've ever done was erased with something bad.  I've since left with an overwhelming desire to please my family.  My short lived pregnancy was alright.  However, losing my baby screams FAILURE.  Yet another thing I fucked up in life.

I hate all the happy attention pregnant women get.  I hate all the attention they get in general.

Infertile women and those that have lost a baby get nothing.  Just the suck it up and get over it attitude.  Or "just relax".  

I've kind of withdrawn from some of my friends.  They are at a different point in their life, with a baby or two.  So happy.  I just don't fit in.  I don't have a baby or even pregnant belly to show for it.  I have nothing.

I feel closer to my co-workers if anything.  Just different stages in our life.  

Sorry this is a depressing post.  I've been sick with a cold the last couple days and that puts me in a miserable mood.  

No AF yet.  I did buy these cute nails for good luck for our next TTC cycle.  

-Selbe