To My 16-Year-Old Self

My history with irregular periods has been a long one.  Most of the time I've just been pushed around by doctors telling me it was normal.  Being young I just accepted it.  But what if I could go back in time?

I got my first period when I was 11.  They were every month after that, pretty regular.  Not in the sense of every X number of days, but enough for me to at least tell the week it was coming in.  This is common for a teenage so I never thought much of it.

When I was 16 I missed a period, but then I got it the following month.  I wasn't sexually active at the time so being pregnant never crossed my mind.  I heard skipping a month here and there was normal. 

A few months later I skipped another month.  Then I skipped two months in a row.  I was 17 and had my first pregnancy panic attack.  My boyfriend ALWAYS used a condom.  Sorry I'm not as stupid as the girls on 16 & Pregnant, then again the punishment my father would have given me would be far worse than getting my own TV show.  But condoms do have a failure rate.  After 90 days I did get my period again.  

Over time it became less of skipping a month and more of just long periods of time.  Being able to approximate the week I was going to get my period in was long gone.  It was replaced with not even being able to tell what month I'd get it in.  Friends, even myself from time to time thought that was great. 

My mum was out of the picture most of the time, and I just lived with my father.  I was embarrassed to go to an OBGYN and in the early 2000's I began surfing the internet for anwsers.  I learned I would be described as oligomenorrhea, but why did I have this?  Was I stressed?  No.  Was I underweight?  Maybe, at the time I was 5'1" and 105 lbs.  The one condition that kept coming back to me in search engines was PCOS.

I went to Planned Parenthood at age 18 and they put me on birth control pills to fix this problem.  It worked but I kept throwing them up.  No one realized that I was estrogen dominance and they were giving me pill with high levels of estrogen in it.  They lead to even higher levels of estrogen in my body and a lot of time spent over the toilet.  The only thing that regulated my periods and I didn't get sick from was Depo-Provera.  And when I say regulate I mean it stopped my periods all together, for years.

Over the years I mentioned my problem to many family practices, Planned Parenthood and OBGYN.  Some didn't want to bother with testing or told me I'd outgrow it.  Sure maybe I'd have a little be harder time getting pregnant, but I'm not infertile.

It wasn't 'til Fall of 2010 when I heard that not all women ovulate.  I was one of them.  It's wasn't 'til Spring of 2011 that I was told I have mild PCOS because my periods are irregular.  Then Fall of 2011 again told I have PCOS because my irregular cycles.  Then Spring of 2012 before they found cysts and high testosterone.

It took eleven years and over eight doctors to come to the conclusion that I have PCOS, something I told them all along.

Advise to my 16 year old self:

1. You're not going to outgrow it
2. Do your research
3. Birth control has evil side effects
4. Depo doesn't cure PCOS, nor does BCP, it hides it
5. Don't waste your money with BC or condoms for contraception, you're already infertile, you don't need them
6. Temping your cycles is a waste of time at predicting when your period will come if you don't ovulate
7. Be way more of a bitch than you think you need to be
8. Don't listen to some idiot doctor tell you there is no cure or no need to know if you have something or not
9. If one doctor will not listen then move onto another one

I don't really like country music.  But I found this video awhile ago and thought I'd share.

-Selbe

Health Insurance & WIC

My Current Cycle

Each day goes by with no AF and all BFN.  I'm beginning to think I never ovulated.  Fuck.  Since my D&C my ovaries have begun shutting down again.  I wont get AF until they give me Provera again.  Maybe I'll start taking my Vitex again (I stopped after what I thought was O).  I'm going to be happy to start fertility drugs again and be monitored.    

My Insurance & Military Treatment Facilities

There are two main MTF (military treatment facility, military hospitals) in the area.  MTF Bremerton (US Navy) is 20 minutes away and the primary one I go to.  MTF Madigan (US Army) an hour away.  MTF Bremerton does basic OBGYN, low-risk pregnancy and low end fertility treatment (Clomid only, no trigger, injectables, IUI or IVF).  Since I have already done my five rounds of Clomid with no luck I am ready to move on.  In order for me to go to MTF Madigan I need a referral from my PCM (primary doctor) at MTF Bremerton, I just can't make an appointment there on my own.  

There are only a handful of MTF on the country that do more advanced fertility treatments.  Our last base was MTF Portsmouth, they didn't do much of anything there.  The closest to Portsmouth was 500 miles away in Washington DC (I believe).  So I was sent out into the civilian world.  Hence how I ended up at FCNE with Dr. H.

This is for Tricare Prime.  The only way I can get out of this referral system is downgrading to Tricare Standard.  I can see whatever doctor I pick in the civilian world (as long as they take Tricare) but have to pay copays.  Depending on your situation one can be better than the other.  But fertility treatment at a MTF tends to be cheaper than at a civilian doctor.

I'm hoping that my one natural pregnancy, although failed and ended with a miscarriage, means I'll have good odds with more advanced fertility treatments.  Though I've ovulated about five times in two years, I do have a good chance of getting PG when I ovulate.  IF I ovulate.

Referral Runaround

MTF Bremerton pissed me off yesterday.  At my appointment on Monday they told me my referral to MTF Madigan would be put in and in two days I could call up to make my next appointment.  

I called up yesterday (two days) to schedule my appointment.  The appointment line could not find my referral so they could not give me an appointment.

I called the referrals office.  They also couldn't find my referral, ether processed or waiting to be processed.

I then called my PCM that gave me the referral to begin with.  They couldn't find the doctor, or the referral and had no idea when they would.  Zero help.

Which left me only one option, call the appointment line and make another appointment with my PCM for another referral.

The appointment line only had two appointment available: A. in nine minutes; B. in two weeks.  Nine minutes just wouldn't work, and two weeks seems like a long wait for someone else's fuck up.  

So I drove there and talked to a couple people in person.  The PCM forgot to put the referral in.  I was informed a new one would be put in today and in two days (hopefully) I could make an appointment.  Which I'm sure in itself won't be for a month or so from now.  

WIC

I grew up in a family where getting food stamps, WIC or any other types of government programs was avoided as much as possible unless really needed.  It was an embarrassment.  My father says that times are changing and it's become less of an humiliation and more of people abusing the system.  I do believe there are many people out there abusing it, for as long as possible.  I also believe there are those that really do need it.  Our system just sucks at weeding out those that are abusing it and giving it to those that need it.  

I have been on government programs twice in my life.  I didn't have health insurance in my teens and early 20's, no job that offered it, no money to pay for private health care, and still in college.  I had government health insurance to remove cervical dysplasia, since that becomes worse if not taken care of.  Then another time to remove my tonsils since I was in a lot of pain and could not pay for the surgery out-of-pocket.  During this time I ate the same cheap food everyday and would donate blood to get free cookies and juice.  Though I was eligible, never during this time did I sign up for food stamps.   

I've also worked retail at several places that accepted food stamps (now EBT, no wait SNAP) and WIC. Again there are people out there that really do need food stamps.  Food stamps covers most food items. Every once and awhile I'd have a customer want to buy a "food item" and the card wouldn't accept it.  One example was years ago I had customer want to buy one of those tins filled with popcorn that stores sell around Christmas time.  The tins with not the greatest in the world but tolerable popcorn, and once you got done eating it (or throwing the stall shit out) a plastic bag was stuck in it and use around the house as a trash can, until it begins to rust.  She flipped out on me.  I've watched customers buy lobster, potato chips, soda pop, gum, and candy with food stamps.  Never fruits, vegetables or Ramen noodles.  I'm sorry, but if someone is broke and starving they have learned that if you eat certain foods they fill you up better than others, regardless of the calories.  And they know just how much sometimes cost.  I was limited growing up by my father on what I could buy at the grocery store to about $10/week.  One time I even got yelled at for wanting bread and milk in the same week.  Yes it was probably wrong on his part, and not something I'd do to my own child, but fuck I figured it out.  And now taxes are pulled from my crappy minimum wage job to pay for such programs. I don't really give a fuck that your Easter candy and not covered and how you "need" it.  Bitch to me and I'll tell you the real difference between a NEED and a WANT.  

Now moving on to WIC.  I like WIC better than food stamps because it does limit what you can purchase with it, such as only approved cereal, cheese, produce, formula, etc.  However WIC is a bitch for cashiers to ring out.  The WIC program requires cashier to go as far as writing their numbers perfectly (yes, they provide you a sheet on how to write a "7" correct).  Along with making sure the products are the correct type stated on the check and approved by WIC.  When a customer goes to use all her newly expiring WIC checks all at once it takes a great deal of time. 

I bring up this topic because Bean and I went to Wal-Mart late at night a few days ago.  When we got in line at 11:50PM there was only one person in front of us.  A lady, several years younger than myself, not married and with her daughter (about 1 year old) in the cart.  First off, it's almost midnight.  That child should be in bed asleep.  I don't understand why people don't have a sit bedtime and bring their kids out shopping late at night.  (Fuck, my six month old puppy even has a bedtime and falls asleep at 10PM, midnight the latest, each night!)  And then I looked at the belt and saw it.  Her separated stacks of groceries (baby food & formula) and the stack of EIGHT WIC checks right besides it.  

My infertile self got pissed.  She's broke, unmarried, has a child and for the next fifteen minutes I'm forced to stare at her in front of me.  Bean and I have been married for three years, have money (enough), a house, a dog, two cars and zero babies.  All I have to show for it is this shit and a dead baby.  Spectacular!  I looked at Bean and then her and mentioned something along the lines of "that is what you get when you don't use birth control".  Some days I admit, I'm just not a good person.

Not My Kind

Sometimes I wonder when I do get pregnant again how I'd react to other pregnant women around me that haven't had the same trials.  What if they got PG with little trying or on accident, instead of with fertility drugs, procedures and surgery?  Will I feel like they are not my kind?  Will I feel like I am above them? Especially if my pregnancy COST more (fertility treatment) than theirs?

Other Links

My old RE is offering a contest for a free IVF cycle.  This is only for those living in ME, NH, VT, MA, CT and RI.  You can enter to win by filling out the entry form here.  

An ultrasound device has been invented to work on smart phones.  I'd buy it if it wasn't $8k.  

-Selbe

Recap of the Year

The positive:  I've had more cycles this year than I've had in the past eight or so.  Between my PCOS, being drugged with birth control as birth control, and being drugged with birth control to "fix" me, I average about 4 cycles a year.  Which I probably never ovulated during.  The feminine hygiene products I've had to buy this year, wow.  I usually buy a box and I'm set for a year or two.  Fuck I still have stuff in my bathroom that is 5 or 10 years old that I need to go through and throw out.   

Cycle #1 - March 16th

First cycle off birth control to regulate my cycle, not as birth control.  Last time I was on birth control as birth control... I don't remember when that was.  But I did do a shot of Depo-Provera while my husband was deployed in 2009/2010.  Then realized that was a silly idea since Bean wasn't home anyways.  It was a spur of the moment idea while I was at Planned Parenthood for something else.  After Depo wore off and I got my period Bean was home.  We didn't try at pregnancy, or really prevent it.  After a couple months I decided to try and figure out when I ovulate.  However, my cycle was 7 months long which is not uncommon for me.  After a few useless doctors visits I decided to ask my new OBGYN for Clomid, something I read about on the Internet for women like me.  Clomid 50mg it was.  CD14, CD18, CD20 came and gone with no positive OPK.  I was given Provera to end the cycle.  No ovulation. My due date for this cycle was December 23rd, 2011.

Cycle #2 -  April 24th

I'm increased to Clomid 100mg.  I got a positive OPK around CD16, but it didn't result in pregnancy.  I got my period on my own.

Cycle #3 - May 22nd

Clomid 100mg again.  Another positive OPK for CD18.  But no pregnancy.  Period again arrived on it's own.  This is better than nothing.  My due date was February 29, 2011, Leap day.  It's sad I still remember all these due dates.

Cycle #4 - June 22nd

This is going to be my month!  Clomid 100mg again.  But no positive OPKs and my progesterone results came back extremely low.  My body stopped responding to 100mg.  More Provera for me.

Cycle #5 - July 29th

Increased to 150mg.  Ovulation scheduled for during our vacation, great!  Except my body also stopped responding to 150mg also.  I'm given Provera again and sent away to an RE.  An OBGYN can no longer help these ovaries.

Cycle #6 - September 16th

Lots of testing, no real baby making.  I started a herbal drug called Vitex expecting it not to work, 'til I surprisingly got my period after 31 days.

Cycle #7 - October 17th

More Vitex but no baby making due to lap surgery during around the time of ovulation.  However I got a positive OPK and the progesterone blood work came back great.

Cycle #8 - November 16th

Decides to give Vitex some more time before moving on to injectable like RE suggested.  Results in a BFP right before Christmas with a due date for August 25th, 2012.  Baby's heartbeat was lost about a month later.  

Cycle #9 - January 26th - Current

If the ovulation date I have is correct then I should get my period on February 29th.

-Selbe

Broken

I'm broken, I've known for awhile now.  It's pretty obvious.

I decided to start this because I think pregnancy blogs are a great way to document the 9 months.  Unfortunately I'm not pregnant, I'm broken instead.  Sorry, not ultrasound photos or cute photos of my growing belly (it might be growing, but it's not cute).

So here is the story how I got this way:

I got my period just like any other girl.  Nothing odd there, it was even regular back then.  But when I was 16 I skipped a month, then another month, then a couple months... That pattern continued. I now get my period anywhere from 3 weeks to 8 months apart, lasting 3 days to 3 weeks long.  It almost sounds kind of awesome, but now I'm 26, married and ready for a child.  I want to know why I'm like this.  I've also had two LEEPs to remove precancerous cells from my cervix when I was 19 and 24.  That is a while other set of problems...

In the past I have been on Ortho Novum, Ortho Evra (the patch), Depo-Provera (the shot), nothing, Depo again, Yaz, nothing and now Microgestin (Loestrin).  The ones with estrogen are supposed to "fix" me.  They really just hide what is wrong until I get off them again.  That and the side effects are horrible.  The progestin only ones are great, no side effects, except they stop my period all together.

I've been to probably 10 OB/GYNs in the past years (we are military, I move around a lot.)  I said before I moved here I would get myself "fixed", or something like that.  Of course I stalled for 6 months to make an appointment (normal for me.)

December 2010:

First appointment with new GYN.  I have a body temperature of 94.8°F on two different thermometers.  I'm sent for a TSH thyroid test after the doctor felt my neck up.  I'm told it came back normal.  GYN couldn't find my cervix during my pap smear, a lot of scarring & very small opening due to second LEEP.  I'm put on Microgestin for 6-12 months to correct my irregular period.

February 2011:

Another GYN appointment to switch my Microgestin, that was running out, to the patch (less side effects & easier to use).  Doctor told me I had to stay on Microgestin for at least another month.  Blood pressure increased from 120/80 to 130/80.  I asked for testing for PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome). I'm informed it is just an ultrasound & GYN wouldn't authorize it.  I got the "no testing, no treatment, no need to know" speech and told all they can do is keep me on Microgestin.  I'm told to come back in 4 weeks to recheck the blood pressure & more Microgestin.

March 2011:

Ditched that GYN & had appointment at my regular primary doctor to get a referral to another OB/GYN (military policy).  I'm told I'm most likely having anovulatory cycles (stopped ovulation). Microgestin will not fix that & I'm taken off it.  My thyroid test (from December) came back at 4.08, slight hypothyroidism (underactive).  Could be the cause of my problem.  I'm maked down for Oligomenorrhea (4-9 periods/year, 35+ days) for the first time, even though I've know that's what I've been for years.

I have an appointment with my new OB/GYN on Monday.  I'm worried I'm not fixable...