Ovulation?

Having a job and doing OPKs kind of sucks.  Some cycles I can kind of do them around my work schedule so they are all done at home, but not this week.  Two days I've had to bring my OPKs (cheap double line & digital ones) to work to do on my breaks.  Which means carrying them around in a little bag, going into the bathroom, peeing in a little paper cup, dipping the stripes, and then putting them back in the bag to read.  It sounds like a pain but I'd rather do this than what my RE has planned for me next (injectables).  Pissing in a cup sounds better than shooting myself up with needles, which will also have to be done at work.  I deal.

Then I had a day off.  I went back Friday and I completely forgot my bag of OPKs on my kitchen counter.  Fuck!  I ended up having to buy a box at work on my lunch break.  Not too bad since I go through them so quick that I know they'll get used.  I ended up in the line of one my pregnant co-workers cashier.  She's like 38 weeks or something.  I'm not sure, I really try to ignore that fact she's pregnant.  She probably thought it was a PG test (the box looks similar & the brand is the same).  Now she's going to ask me if it came back positive.  Maybe I could join her "club".  But she already has some other kids, and I'm pretty sure she's younger than me, and 99% sure she has no idea what an OPK, LH hormone, beta, PCOS or anything else related to infertility.  It'd be best for both of us if she never brought it up.

Yesterday I lost my digital OPK reader.  Well my husband lost it.  I left it on the bathroom counter and he decided to re-organize, but now can't remember where he put it.  I think that is a sign the OPKs are done for this cycle.

I'd just like to explain how to read these tests.  I have gotten a few friends congratulate me on my pregnancy after seeing this photos.  The photo above is NOT a pregnancy test.  They look very similar, sometimes even the same brand.  But:

Control line on RIGHT, test line on LEFT.  Friday morning
on TOP, Friday evening in MIDDLE, Saturday morning
on BOTTOM.

• Pregnancy tests read hCG hormone.  There is always a control line, but if a test line shows up no matter how dark or light it is then it's +.
• OPK (ovulation predictor kits) read LH hormone.  Again a control line, but there is always a test line.  The test line needs to be the SAME shade or DARKER than the control to be +.  A lighter test line is a -.

I'm confused by the readings this cycle.  In the mornings the OPK test lines are darker than afternoon.  

• TOP - Friday morning at work.  Lines are same shade, so +.
• MIDDLE - Friday evening.  Line is lighter than control, so -.
• BOTTOM - Saturday morning.  Line is much darker than control, so +.

This is the brand I bought at work after leaving all my others at home.  My digital one never picked up a +, or :) this cycle.  My cheap double line ones picked up a few + or close to it.  I'm not sure what to think, or what day to pin it on.  I'll just have to wait 'til AF.

Today I went shopping with Bean and began feeling a sharp pain inside me.  I was starving but the pain was much lower.  Only lasted a few minutes.  O pains maybe?  I made Bean come home and fuck me ether way.  

Whatever, I'll just be happy if I get AF in some sort of timely manner so I don't need more Provera or injectables.  I'm not asking to be PG, just a working set of ovaries.  One step at a time.

And we bought a puppy.  I'll write a post about him later.  Sorry I've been really busy with work and school lately.  

-Selbe

CD19, 1 dpo

Post-Op & Planning Appointment 11/3

The Surgery:

It went well.  I recovered quickly and he didn't even look at my stomach at the appointment.  I guess the stitches (?) is suposed to fall off or go away on it own.  I've never actually had stitches before.

RE talked about the same things from the pictures before.  

Right Fallopian Tube:  Eh but he's not too concerned the risk of an ectopic pregnancy.

Uterus:  I have an hyperplastic endometrium.  Not too much of a concern though.  The biopsy of it came back normal.

"a condition of excessive proliferation (cell growth) of the cells of the endometrium (inner lining of the uterus.)...

...result from high levels of estrogens, combined with insufficient levels of the progesterone-like hormones which ordinarily counteract estrogen's proliferative effects on this tissue. This may occur in a number of settings, including obesity, polycystic ovary syndrome, estrogen producing tumours and certain formulations of estrogen replacement therapy." - Wikipedia

Cervix:  I also have cervical stenosis as "very little normal cervix was remaining" and it was a bitch to dilate.  This was already assumed for awhile.  My cervix is scarring over and the opening is very narrow.  This is why cramps are so painful to me and my HSG was a trip from hell.  It's complements of my LEEP in 2005 and 2009, but mainly the second one.  It's a rare risk of having a LEEP done but of course my body loves to be "rare".  I forgot to ask Dr. H about the possibility of having an cervical cerclage put in if I do get PG.  The actual thought of having my cervix stitched closed terrifies me so we will put that thought off for awhile.  FYI a cervical cerclage is used in women that have a incompetence.  The cervix begin to dilate way before it should, maybe times due to the weight of the growing baby.  It results in miscarriage or early labor.  The cervix is stitched closed around 14 weeks and the stitches are removed around 37 weeks.

Ovaries, left fallopian tube and vagina are all good.  Fuck something semi works.  

What's Next?:

I have CD21 Progesterone BW next Monday.  I need to have at least a 3.3 to have ovulated, even if it's a crappy ovulation.  No 1.7!  A 10 is ideal for a non-medicated cycle.  (It was 15 when I was Clomid or if I'm on any other drugs.)

And then I need to decide, ovulation or not.  No ovulation then Provera will be my buddy again.  

Source

Dr. H began talking about doing an IUI (intrauterine insemination).  It's a couple types of shots and then Bean's sperm is poured into my uterus once I've ovulated.  My cervix hates me and I fear having another tube stuck up it, even though the RE assures me it is much smaller than the one for the HSG.  The cost is between $2000-2500 which will not include my meds, an additional $500.  But spending $3000 does not 100% get me a baby, only about a 17% of one.  So odds are I'll need multiple which is $3000 each cycle/month.  

And then there is IVF.  We are not even going to get into that because each cycle costs $12,000.  Again no 100% guarantee.  But if I buy two (results in BFN) then the third if free.  How nice of them!  If I spend $24k I'd better get a lot for free, along with a free crib, stroller and all the other stuff.  We can just pretend like this doesn't exist for now, like the cerclage I'll probably need.

My insurance will NOT cover any of my meds used for an IUI or IVF.  In fact they will even refuse to pay for basic U/S and BW.  They want no part of it.  (Then again my infertile ass is expensive, I don't want to pay for me ether.)  But they will cover my meds for timed intercourse (TI).

So for TI it is the same meds and monitoring as an IUI.  Except when I ovulate I have sex like a normal person, you know penis in the vagina, no tube of sperm in the uterus.  I'd like it to be as normal as possible.  This has a lower success rate but then again it's a lot cheaper.  

The meds I'd use for the TI (or IUI) are:

Gonal-f RFF Pen 450 IU @ 75iu/day - Daily injection used for ovulation induction (OI) with FSH hormone from CD4 for a week or two.  This makes my ovaries produce lot 'o eggs.  This is much like Clomid but for those who don't do so well on it.  I can't wait to stab myself in my stomach!

Ovidrel - Once injection of HCG hormone for my ovaries to drop all the eggs.  I'll be monitored with several U/S to see when my eggs have fully matured with Gonal, then this shot is used.  

I might be on Progesterone also to reduce the risk of MC since my body doesn't produce enough of it on its own.

The injectables come with a higher risk of multiples.  I'm pretty sure it made Bean worry a bit when the nurse said that.  But it's a 10% chance of twin, and much lower for triples and so on.  She let him know there wouldn't be six which I'm sure he was picturing in his head.  To be honest we are both pretty excited for twinkies!

Decision:

I'm going to see what the Progesterone comes back as.  If it's good then I'll hang out on Vitex and hope to be normal for awhile longer.  Or I'll move to TI with the injectables.  If it's too low then I'll definitely be moving to TI.

I'm not ready for IUI.  We have the money but I feel I haven't had enough time having natural sex to have given it a good shot.  I've been having unprotected sex for over a year but very rarely have my ovaries actually released eggs.  And a couple my age only has 20% change each time with perfect timing.  

I'm also waiting to move since our new home (hopefully) has an Army base that does IVF at a discounted rate and includes the drugs.  

Bean is most likely going to be sent back out to sea in the spring.  I can do IUI and IVF while he is gone with his frozen sperm.  I'm going to use the "fresh" stuff now.

If TI works:

I'll have BW for check my betas (PG test) 14dpo after each TI cycle.

I will stay at my RE until 8-14 weeks before being sent to an OBGYN.  My first fetal U/S will be at 6 weeks, then one or two more at a later date before going to the OBGYN.

-Selbe 

CD19, 4dpo

Fuck You Ovaries

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that this was going to be my cycle.  Well that was a fucking lie.  I have zero +OPKs, my cervix is hard and I haven't started my 2ww feeling like shit yet.  So that means no ovulation.  Unless I missed my surge, and the 2ww is sparing me the nausea and sensitive nipples this cycle (that would be nice).  But it is more likely that it never happened.  When my ovaries go on vacation that means no eggs being released, which means zero possibility of getting PG, no matter how many times I say it's going to be my month.  So fuck you ovaries!

So the plan is to wait it out because there is really nothing else I can do.  I have three options:

• AF shows up in 10-14 days = I did ovulate at some point, theoretically.
• AF doesn't show by CD35 = No ovulation, Provera to induce, round #5 of drugs.
• AF doesn't show by CD31-ish = Pregnant.  The most hopeful but least likely to happen of the three.

I have to think of what I want to do next with Clomid vs. Femara.  I can switch to Femara to give that a try.  Or I can give Clomid another try, probably increasing from 100mg to 150mg. 

I'm also thinking of adding Metformin.  PCOS or not I read it is supposed to help.  

And not sure what to do about the OB/GYN vs. RE decision.  I'm only going to be living in the area for another seven months.  Not sure if it's beneficial to switch to an RE now.

 Any advice would be appreciated.

PS I got sick of the pink layout.  It was too "happy".  

CD19, -OPK

Question of Why

Source

When we try to understand things, whether we believe in God, the universe or whatever, we always ask why.  Why do some people want children so bad but can't have them?  Why do some have miscarriage after miscarriage?  Why do some have to go through procedure after procedure and give themselves shots in the ass for a tiny glimmer of hope?  And then you look at the other side of the track.  Why does the crack whore mum on welfare get five kids?

I really don't know why.  I try not to ask myself "why me?"  I figure it does no good.

There have been quite a few losses this week in the IF blog community, ones that were far past the 12 week safety period.  These women that have gone through multiple treatments and miscarriages.  They now have nothing to show for it.  Yet fertile mertile Betsy flys past with her three kids and prefect pregnancies.  We ask why some have it so easy while others do not?  For the rest of us it makes us super conscious of what could happen if we ever were to get a BFP.  And the last thing you see is an infertile announcing their pregnancy at Facebook at 4 weeks when the pee stick is still wet.

Every once and awhile I ask myself why my body has been so fucked up the last 10 years and why I still have problems.  All I can think of is that it teaches me to appreciate my future child more and be a better mother.  Not saying the fertile mertile doesn't love her children but you get the idea.  That's how I deal.

PS Two week wait!  Trying to fill the time so no one has to hear about the made up PG symptoms I find for the next 13 days.