Not You, It's Me

It's Not You, It's Me

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I met you online before I moved here and we have a few common interests.  I know you have struggled with infertility in the past too.

I don't even know if you read this.  You have never mentioned this blog or anything on it, nor commented on it.  So maybe I'll send this to you in an email someday.  

We live near one another now yet we rarely hang out.  And when we do I'm kind of distant.  

See the thing is, when I was going through my miscarriage, you got pregnant naturally.  Your due date is close to mine.  September I believe.  So close that when I see that you have ultrasounds done, mention how great it is to feel movement, or whatever baby shopping that has been done I feel sad.  I am happy for you.  But I reminds me of what I would be doing right now with my baby boy, if he hadn't died.  That makes me hurt.

I know you've done fertility treatment before.  So we are equal in that sense.  But you've never felt loss.  I know you don't fully understand the emotions that float around in my head about my miscarriage.  Nor would I ever want you to.  And please don't feel bad for me.

I'm sorry I don't ask you how your baby is doing.  Or other baby related things going on in your life. I'm sorry I don't call or text to make plans to spend time with you.  I'm sorry I had to hide all your posts on Facebook, yet I do check on you once a day just to make sure you are OK.  I'm sorry I'm such a poor infertility friend, though if the tables were turned I wouldn't blame you.  

I'm trying to perverse my sanity and emotional well-being.  Like the bad break-up line, it really is me.

But if you do need a ride to the hospital, someone to come sit with you, need someone to bring a meal, someone to care for your pets or want me to show up at the hospital to photograph your newborn for free (like I've done for so many other military families), please feel free to call.

Cycle Moved Up

I started spotting Saturday.  I'm confused by it since it takes my body forever to respond to Provera.  This shouldn't be happening this early!  Maybe my Met is doing something for me.  But really it doesn't matter, it will push my next cycle up by a week but there was nothing pending on those dates to begin with.  I think Monday will be CD1 since there is more spotting and the cramping is getting worse.  But I've been wrong before.

Pregnancy Test Sale

One of the pharmacies had a sale on FRER HPT last week, plus I had my coupons.  I bought a bunch of them.  I remember the day I used to get embarrassed when I'd have to buy a pregnancy test.  And now I grab like five boxes and tell the cashier I don't even need a bag to hide them in.  

And remember those times you used to shave down there for your annual pap smear because you didn't want to be hairy and gross for the doctor.  And now you don't even care if Bigfoot is hanging out in your panties?  OK that's a lie.  I still have to make everything presentable.  I don't even know why, not like it matters anymore.

-Selbe